Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Go read the Raw Mop-Up first Mop-Up Nitro I've said more than enough stuff over on the RAW Mop-Up....plus, I have a BIG double closer all ready to rock...so why don't we just get into it..... Nitro: (or The thrill is gone....already?) -Opens with shot of a limo pulling up.... -out comes Hulk Hogan, Beefypoof, Lizbian, and of course...Uncle Eric....Hendrix starts to play.......the director decides to go "Scorcese" on our asses and follow them all the way from the car to the ring.....because of course...every step that Bischoff takes must be caught on film and every word he utters must be recorded so that others may follow in the future. -In the entranceway...Hogan proclaims his undying love for Eric and kisses him on the cheek..the camera was pulled back, so we could see a nice stain slowly form on his zipper.....slowly forming...and spreading.... -Why doesn't anyone toss a beverage at Bischoff's head anymore?? It be nice to see him catch a face full of beer again.....like that time Flair caught a BEAUTIFUL shot right in the kisser directly in front of the camera...I felt so bad for him..... -In the ring....Bischoff held out pen and said that he controlled WCW and the NWO with it. It was THAT pen that ran Vader out of WCW...that ran Johnny B. Badd out of WCW...it was THAT pen that keeps people in...and keeps people OUT... -Now, I'm assuming that he meant that Vader and Johnny B Badd HATE that pen...because that pen kept them out of the glory that is WCW and into the sheer Hell that is the WWF....so my questions are.... 1: So..it was THAT pen that made Sable a Superstar? 2: It was THAT pen that allowed Mero to take off that faggy makeup? 3: Did THAT pen fire X-Pac? 4: Did THAT pen FIRE that mid carder known as STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN????????? 5: Can't really argue with that Vader line. 6: Was THAT the pen that signed Davey Boy Smith? 7: Marty Jannety???? 8: Rick Martel????? 9: THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ????? -oops...cancel that last one -Gosh...now that I think of it....that pen is a real DOUCHEBAG!!!!!!! -Then Hogan talked...and talked....and talked......and talked.....about stuff that should come as a shock to nobody. -During Hulky's tirade...Bischoff and Beefat shared a chuckle over something...since I read lips (the ones found on the MOUTH, you DEGENERATES!!!!!!!!) I caught the exchange: -Eric, "Hogan's got a cute ass!" -Beefcake, "I know...I own a time share in it." -Eric, "I know, I'm your neighbor!" -Beefcake, "Hee hee" -Eric, "Ha ha" -it ended painfully enough with all three idiots looking into the camera and acting tough.....if a fan threw a toy boat in there...Beefcake would've dropped the tough look and start to scream like a girl in a Kevin Williamson flick. -commercials -opening theme -Tony welcomes us to Chicago.....and welcomes us again to the hype that never ends....oddly enough...he didn't mock RAW's main event tonight....I wonder why? -It's time for some RASSLIN'!!!!! as Mike Enos walks to the ring...and pulls away his hand just before someone can slap it....(Why do I get the feeling that the fan wasn't exactly...umm...heartbroken?) -He took on Kanyon..who had a groovy new theme song with a beginning that was BLATANTLY RIPPED OFF from Van Halen's "Running with the Devil"...I mean..they didn't even TRY to cover it up.... -whoopsie...it wasn't Kanyon...it was the return of WRAITH....hey...YOU try to tell the difference at a glance.... -Gotta like the sign seen early on that resad, "THIS NITRO SUCKS".....come on dude...even I wait until the third hour before passing judgem..........WHOA....I mean I watch the ENTIRE show from START TO FINISH, then CAREFULLY weigh the good and the bad before making my decision......whew -I must admit...I spent the majority of the match giggling over the fact that someone had the sick sense of humor to put the name ENOS over his tuckus. -Hey, I'll be cool here...Wraith is a good, strong, BIG man who can actually move...and the name isn't that bad either....he's got potential... -He also won with a Pump Handle/Powerslam combo......Tony brought all his knowledge and experience into play and called it a "Sidewalk Slam". -commercials -Warrior clips from last week. -Tony is STILL hard from last week....Larry said Hi to his fans....no...it isn't piped in....as the rumor had it...(A rumor NOT STARTED or REPORTED by Al Isaacs....by the way). -Footage from last week's main event which Tony crowed about for 2 hours and 55 minutes....a main event that ended with Beefcake interferring. -the Nitro Girls get manhandled in the seats...who is that idiot with the George Washington wig on? -Whoa...that Nitro chick with the long black hair has MASSIVE BREASTESESESSSS...she is swimming MIGHTY close to "Sable territory" -Nitro Party.....bunch of losers.....with chicks so young that they still haven't developed yet. -Kaz Yayashi comes out....makes a fist...looks at said fist.....grunts....and runs to the ring......do whatever you want with that info. -Malenko comes out to jam.....Tony bellyached about the Horsemen without ONCE mentioning the name of that "Flair" guy. -Tenay says that we ALL were impressed withe Kaz's first Nitro appearence a few months ago......I thought he was Tokyo Magnum in disguise. -so good was this match, that it carried on through a set of well intended... -commercials -OH THANK GOD!!!! the match didn't end while we were away. -By the way...Kaz performed a Dragon Suplex....Tony called it a great "power move"...then went right back to discussing the "revolution". -Guess who won...and guess how -right and right again -a VERY GOOD video of the Wolfpac.....THIS was probably made to keep Nash happy for a while..until Hogan and Uncle Eric screw him over again of course... -The Wolfpac comes out without Sting...I guess his new contract states that he doesn't have to work during the first hour of Nitro as well as on Thunder. -Luger pointed out the obvious and said that they were in the house......(Good Lord....is there ANY term that black rappers are allowed to KEEP for THEMSELVES??????) -guess not....'cause Konnan asked if we were "rowdy" twice and also if we were "bout it" twice too (or BOUTY...I really don't give a fu^%...so do NOT write to me and explain it please) -Then Kevin Nash goofed on Hogan...and even went so far as to make the BOLD prediction that he would one day run the company. -Then Nash talked about Goldberg......he offered Goldberg a shot to "bury the hatchet" from last week's carefully choreographed accident and tag up with him against Hogan and the Giant for later in the show... -Goldberg's music plays -Goldberg is walking down the aisle...flanked by security and the Evil Chyld Dillenger by his side....keeping a close eye on the Golden Boy..... -If he is so big and bad...then why does he need security backstage?? IS HE A PUSSY????? -Goldberg walks out and almost blows off the explosion....his face erupts into a billion facial ticks.....a young boy gestures to him with his hands...Goldberg shrugs him off....."Not now kid...RAW ain't on yet and I ain't wastin' my skills on you on free time!"....alas..the boy was deaf...but he COULD read lips...he broke out in silent tears.... -Goldberg hits the ring...mutters something to Nash..and walks out.....his intro was longer than his ring time....Tony and the boys claimed that he said "You got it"...but I heard several possibilities...such as... -"Hey, in two more months I will OWN your ass!" -"Do you miss Bischoff's tongue up your ass?" -"I'm so over it isn't even funny." -"Your buddy Hall is running around backstage with a half empty bottle of Cuervo in one hand and a used condom...he's singing the entire score to "Les Mis" right now....Eric's throwing chairs!" -"Stone Cold who?" -Nash played the good employee and lied to us by saying that Goldberg simply agreed to the offer.....Tony officially gave birth. -commercials -Warrior stuff from last week -Jim Neidhart comes out...knowing full well what his lot in life is from here on out...and really doesn't care anymore -Konnan comes out too.....knowing FULL well what Neidhart's lot in life is from here on out.....and really doesn't give a crap...he's got his own problems. -Tony and the kids kept asking for someone to check out the "Weather Channel"...because the MIRACLE of Nash and Goldberg agreeing to team up simply HAD to result in one of the Oceans being parted. -Konnan won...Jimmy made another payment on his mortgage...both parties went home happy. -Mean Gene Okerlund must be getting his dome spit polished by Lee Marshall.....because Tony was conducting the interviews.....he brought out Stevie Ray... -Tony asked Stevie about some weird doings on the last Thunder...since I have never seen Thunder and never plan to...it was all gibberish to me.... -Then Booker T came out.....Booker claimed to be "on vacation" out of the country......and only occasionally came back to help bring some homies over the border.. -BUT.....antics by his no good brother forced Booker to make an early return and see what the Dealie-Yo was...(Geeze, speaking of phrases stolen by black rappers.......as opposed to WHITE rappers Hyatte??? Good one, you Nitwit!!!!!) -anywhoo...Booker asked for an explanation...Stevie got defensive and said that JJ Dillon was "pimpin'" Booker to these people (PIMPIN'??????? MY GOD!!!!!! THE RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -and Jesus Christ...why on Earth would you use the word "PIMP" as a gimmick? -Booker said that he ain't no Uncle Tom and JJ ain't no plantation owner...Stevie disagreed... -Tony...the WHITEST guy in Chicago at that point...with Bischoff and Dillon running a TIGHT second and third...interjected by saying that JJ made Booker the #1 contender for the US title...even though Booker's return was a TOTAL SHOCK to Tony just 10 seconds ago....(you know....sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry) -Stevie flipped and blamed the white man for keeping them down...Booker ignored him and promised to "raise the roof on this mutha" and take care of Bret Hart....when did Spike Lee start writing these scripts? -Tenay gushed that this is shaping up to be THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! -You know....I KNOW that SOMEONE in WCW reads this column.......maybe not an exec or anything..but SOMEBODY does...AND I am willing to bet ANY money that the announcers now call every Nitro the best one ever JUST to spite me.....I know they do it just to BUG me....because now, this is getting ridiculous. -The Nitro Girls eat up time in the ring.....time that could have been better served playing some... -commercials -Tony was in the ring....he calls out DDP.... -Page comes out..and runs through the seats looking for the bastard that tried to finger Kimberly....he didn't find him.... -Tenay called Page the "People's Champ"...even though he had no belt that I could see and the Battle Bowl ring hasn't been seen or defended in years....(F-YOU MAIVIA...F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU) -In the ring, Page talked about "Sleazy E" and "Hollywood SCUM Hogan".....(You think he's proud of those phrases?)....then he calls out for someone to "step up to the plate" for the Wargames... -cue the music.....and Oh Lord he's back.... -"Rowdy" Roddy Piper dragged his age old tired ass out to the ring....looking about as frisky as Bob Hope... -He grabs the mic and keeps up that RIDICULOUS...INSULTING.....COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE notion that he is some sort of "acting commissioner"...even though he disappears for months on end. -Then he shows off his hipness by making a reference to Eddie Munster and Mick Jagger... -Then he brags about a movie he's making that nobody will see...or would want to... -THEN he went for desperate heat by mentioning Sammy Sousa -THEN he offered his services to Page's "dream team"..... -THEN he promised to try to get Warrior in on this mess -You realize of course..that "Team WCW" is comprised of a part timer still known from the WWF..a VERY part timer VERY known for the WWF, and a full timer who probably will be the one who ends up submitting......(either him or Luger). -Page leaps over the railing...Piper SLOWLY climbs over it...and probably broke the other hip in the process. -the second hour comes upon us... -commercials -Mongo comes out..he's taking on Riggs....need I say more? -well...YES. I should tell you that Mongo acknowledged a chant of "WE WANT FLAIR" -I should tell you that the Flock showed up and Horace nailed Mongo with a Stop sign... -I should tell you that Sickboy was kicking him. -I should tell you that Malenko ran in and made the save -I should tell you that I like to eat lipstick. -I should tell you that Saturn came in and dove at Horace, who was on the outside...Horace is such a non talent that he screwed up the spot and Saturn damn near broke every bone in his body. -I should tell you that Mongo wanted Malenko to give the 4H sign.....Malenko simply shook his hand and walked off. -I should NOT have to tell you that this is a sheer disgrace. -The Nitro Girls are in leather...I'll let that stand -commercials -Warrior stuff from last week...Heenan joins the fun -Rick Fuller comes out...Fuller piss and vinegar -Scott Norton's tongue comes out with Vincent -Scott Norton comes out...full of beer -Why is Norton called "Flash"? Is it an inside joke? Like calling a fat guy "Slim?" Or a dumb guy "Genius"? Or Hyatte "Talented"? -Norton won.....his tongue lost by DQ...go figure -video of Hogan's NWO.....another well crafted piece of work....think opening credits for the movie "Seven"...except for the fact that Bischoff had to get his face in there. -commercials -Warrior, Warrior, Warrior -Scott Steiner comes out with his Doctor.....he grabs the mic... -He talks about...aw Hell...I don't know...all I know is that Buff came out dressed like Rick Steiner and they goofed on him -Oh yes...Scotty said that Chicago sucked BEFORE Michael Jordan came to town..and that Chicago will SUCK AFTER Jordan leaves...that is NONSENSE...I LOVE Chicago....Chicago is SO cool....except that they have HORRIBLE taste in morning radio DJs......Hey Chicago...even though he syndicates his show to Chico, California and calls it Los Angeles....NOBODY OUTSIDE YOUR CITY GIVES A CRAP ABOUT HIM!!!!!!! -commercials -The face off between Goldberg and Nash from earlier is replayed.....word has it a young girl in Jerusalem had a conversation with a burning bush AT THE EXACT SAME TIME!!!!!! -Brian Adams came out with Vincent.......he took a gander at a nearby lady and said, "The only thing that looks good on me is you"....whatta sweet talker. -Lex Luthor came out to bring his unique brand of corporate evil to antagonize Superm......whoops...it's LUGER...not LUTHOR -Tony took a breathe from the non stop excitement to remark about what a night it's been so far... -I wonder...is this a "main event in any arena?" -By the way...Tony called Heenan a "spineless jellyfish"...isn't there a saying about glass houses and stones that applies here? -This was a LOOOOOONG match..which is GOOD for you DIE HARD LUGER AND CRUSH FANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -of course..the rest of us were in dreadful pain. -Torture Rack...Luger wins...Tony calls it an "unimaginable feat" -More Warrior stuff....haaaaang in there marks...he's coming -commercials -And here he is...the Warrior.....he runs to the ring and shakes the ropes.....MY GOD!!!!!!! THAT WAS THE RENEGADE'S MOVE!!!!! MY GOD AGAIN!!!!! THAT WAS THE BOOTY MAN'S MOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!MY GOD AGAIN AND AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! HE RIPS OFF EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Again...like last week...I won't be transcribing......I WILL be making commentary: 1: He's panting AWFULLY early isn't he? 2: How in the HELL do they have "One Warrior Nation" shirts already in print? He didn't even ANNOUNCE IT YET????? 3: "It's common knowledge that if you want to excel in any field...you study the masters, emulate the champions, model the virtues of the preeminant individuals in that particular field"......and it helps to know how to give good head too. 4: "and if there are any (virtues left within Hogan), they lay shrouded beneath layers of deceit and infamy! Frankly Hogan, how your present condition manifested itself, is it the material that needs to be analyzed and brought to closure on the world's number one wrestling program?" Right here...the cheers stopped....and there was a moment of deep, deep quiet.....as the masses looked to each other and said...."uhhh...what? When is he gonna shake the ropes again?" 5: MED-IO-CRI-TEEEEEE 6: looooooong pause as he tried to remember the friggin' script....Heaven help us if he starts to improvise. 7: "Patience is a great virtue"...I bet ANY money that he got that line from the old "Trix Cereal" commercial with the Trix rabbit. 8: How can he pull off a "Revolution" on just 15 appearences? 13 counting these last two? 9: and I can't figure out how he plans on "harnessing the power or the Warriors"...don't the fans have to sign a release or something? 10: "I intend to show the world a revolution that's based on magnificence and not..MAL....MAL....MALFEEZENCE?? WHAT???....oh yeah..he's STILL a BIG prick." 11: The Warrior Revolution will continue next week....hopefully, without those mean old booers in the crowd. -Then the Bat Signal appeared...Warrior bailed out and headed to Gotham City to stop the Catwoman from stealing the Cheshire Pearls.... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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