Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I haven't worn underwear in ten years Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -the Third Hour arrives........I now believe in Angels. -what is this??? NWO NITRO???? For like the TENTH time.....another black and whiter comes out...this time it's Hennig...without Rude -Jericho came out...and trashed a pro-Jericho sign...then kicked at a piece of the sign on the floor and fell on his ass.....funny sight gag. -Y'know...this should be a great match....it's one of those matches that if booked on a PPV...you'd buy it for the main event...but you would probably be quietly looking forward to this one too. -Early into this...it was a real nice study of conflicting mentalities. Jericho's brash, arrogant chutzpah and Hennig's calm, experienced confidence.... -Hennig had early moments, Jericho had middle moments....Hennig rebounded, Jericho got in the Lion Tamer, Hennig got in the ropes, Hennig tried the Hennigplex, Jericho turned it into a roll up... -Schiavone showed his intelligence by pointing out that even though these two men were EVIL HEEL SCUM THAT SHOULD BE IN FRONT OF A FIRING SQUAD WITH A CATTLE PROD SHOVED UP THEIR ASSES........you still should appreciate the show they are putting on. If Tony walks out of Chicago with all his teeth intact...then Chicago must be filled with nothing but FAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The bell rang......they called it a draw......what a weenie way out....no wonder they paced it so slowly. -The Giant came out as Hennig kept attacking Jericho....the Giant grabbed Hennig by the throat and shoved him down...Hennig looked confused, Jericho looked relieved, Tony sounded clueless. -The Nitro Girls kill time. -backstage shot of Stevie Ray still trying to get that white man mentality out of his brother's head.... -commercials -Bret Hart comes out....he grabs the mic and tells the fans that he was once screwed over by Vince McMahon.....among other things. And he STILL sounded amazed that Austin is so gosh darned popular. -He also discussed Sting and Hogan -Booker T's music came on...Tony psychoanalyzed Bret and came to the conclusion that he was a "pathological liar"....(Bret...not Tony...well..then again....) -Then it dawned on Tony that Booker hadn't come out as of yet...he rushed us to... -commercials -Oh My God.....IT WAS A DRIVE BY SHOOTING AND BOOKER T WAS CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -He was lying on the floor......Stevie Ray yelled at him, then tried to keep some Harlem respect by marching to the ring and confronting Hart... -Stevie came to the ring and called Hart a "sucka"...Hart told him to "take off, you hoser...eh"...this degradation of civilization continued until... -The NWO B players (and the Giant) came out offered Stevie a spot in the NWO...Hart called himself the "Head recruiter"....(Which is the job title of Pat Patterson FYI) -Stevie joined the NWO White...and now Bischoff has a NWO C-Team...... -Tony re-iterated Tenay's earlier comments and stated that since the UNREALIZABLE has been REALIZED....that since the UNIMAGINABLE has been IMAGINED...that since the UNBELIEVEABLE HAS BEEN BELIEVED TONIGHT...that we have no choice but to FACE THE FACT THAT WE ARE WITNESSING THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!commercials -Out comes Hogan and the Giant.......Beefpuke is there too. -By the way.....the SIGN OF THE NIGHT goes to the one in the bleachers that read, "HART TOSSES HOGAN'S SALAD"....I LOVE it...LINE OF THE NIGHT goes to just about anything I transcribed from RAW...pick one and be happy with it. -No Michael Buffer to announce the match.......I'm tempted to give Nitro the night on that fact alone. -commercials -Nash came out -Goldberg's music came on.....Chicago tried to chant...bless their little hearts. -Goldberg makes his way to the ring...NOW he stops for that little boy who was making rapid hand gestures....(called "signing"...for you unwashed masses). With a twinkle in his eye and muscle spasms on his face, the big lug put his meaty paws over the brats ears and closed his eyes......a glow emitted form his hands and the boy's mouth opened wide in awe...Goldberg lifted his hands away and the boy screamed, "I CAN HEAR!!! I CAN HEAR!!!!!! OH THANK YOU MR. GOLDBERG!!!!!! I CAN HEAR AGAIN!!!!!!!!!" -The boy asked Goldberg what station Mancow was on....just so he could finally hear the prick.....Goldberg's eyes erupted in a fury...he speared the brat so hard he landed in the middle of Soldier Field.....Goldberg screamed, "STERN RULES, YOU DUMB PUNK!!!!!!!!!!!"....Alas...the kid became deaf again mid -air...so he didn't hear him. -Well...I finally found a reason to like the big galoot. -Nash started off with the Giant. The Giant offered up a test of strength....Nash went for it and was suckered into a headbut.....dumb ass -Then Nash rebounded......then they both went down to a double big boot. -Then Goldberg was tagged...as was Hogan.... -Goldberg performed a Shoulderblock...Tony acted like he just performed a Corscrew Plancha off the rafters. -The Booty Man interferred...of course...Nash chased him...the screw job was upon us... -Hennig comes out and starts trouble..the match breaks down....4 men beat on Goldberg.... -Nash tries to help....Luger charges....Konnan charges.....'tis a free for all. -Hennig gets speared.....Hennig gets Jackhammered...Hennig gets pinned.. by the moron ref makes the count...because nobody else was willing to do the job. -Because of Hogan.....Nash ends up kicking Goldberg in the face....for a more detailed explanation....go to Zimmerman (note to Zimmerman...every letter I got agreed with my assesment of Schiavone....not one disagreement in the BIG bunch...go figure).....I'm still stewing over that ridiculous ref. -Giant ends up clotheslining Goldberg over the top rope....Tony proclaims that the Rapture is upon us..... -Warrior and Page run to the ring...Piper is walking VERY fast to the ring. -The WCW "Dream Team" (snicker) clean house...if any of the Warrior's punches actually hit anybody...it was a friggin' mistake..... -It ends with Nash and Goldberg staring at each other outside.....Goldberg is hissing, "COME OOOOONNNNNNNNNN"......Tony had a seizure as the show ends. -Love the ending...absolutely LOVED it....I checked...Nitro wallopped RAW pretty good in the ratings...alas...Warrior is only a part time publicity stunt....and Flair's deal is coming to a head. Nitro's future success will NOT hinge of the UW...but on the Nature Boy's plans for the future.....IF Flair loses and/or wins and goes right to WCW....the WWF winning streak is effectively over in my honest opinion...If Flair heads to Titan...we got us a horserace of MEGA proportions. Nitro wins the night by the way...because I had a lot of fun goofing on it and Tony was on a real mellow groove tonight...and Bischoff was virtually absent too. Two closers for the price of none coming right at'cha As I said one line ago, we got us TWO closers this week. Both of them sent to me by great readers. The first one comes from a guy who wanted me to call him ONLY by his screen name. Here is the first closer 1: I asked about AIM and ICQ. This inspired Pornserv to send me this example of what you can expect from AOL Instant Messenger. I kid you not when I say that it CRACKED ME UP.....and it also made me weep for the future...good Lord..there are a LOT of RETARDS out there...as this little AOL Instant Messenger exchange will show: Remember, Pornserv is a REAL guy PuggyBaby1: HI PornServ: Hi! Do you wish to talk? PuggyBaby1: YA OK PornServ: Great! With the Interactive Talkmatic, you can talk to PornServ for hours at a time! PuggyBaby1: WHAT? PornServ: We can talk about: (pick one) Sports, Current News Issues, Occupation, or Other! PuggyBaby1: OTHER PornServ: Great! What do you wish to talk about? And for how long? PuggyBaby1: DUNNO? PornServ: You have selected: DUNNO? Great! How long would you wish to speak to the Interactive Talkmatic? PuggyBaby1: ? PuggyBaby1: HOW DO U DO THAT? PornServ: You have selected: ? Great! PuggyBaby1: HOW DO U DO THAT> PornServ: So, begin the chat! What is it you do? PuggyBaby1: GO 2 SCHOOL PuggyBaby1: HOW OLD R U PornServ: You have selected: GO 2 SCHOOL! Great! PornServ: You have also selected: HOW OLD R U! Great! PuggyBaby1: WHAT I DONT GET IT AM I TALKIN TO THE RREAL PERSON U? PornServ: Your time with the Interactive Talkmatic is up. Please send a self addressed stamped envelope, along with your check for 75 dollars! Thank you PuggyBaby1! PuggyBaby1: NOY? PuggyBaby1: U STUPID U MEAN IT? PornServ: Your selection of NOY? is invalid. Please send your check for 75 dollars. Thank you! PuggyBaby1: Y 75 DOLLARS? PornServ: Your selection of Y 75 DOLLARS? is invalid. Your time with the Interactive Talkmatic is up. Please send a self addressed stamped envelope, along with your check for 75 dollars! PuggyBaby1: IF I HAVE 2 SEND U 75 DOLLARS I WILL GET ALL MY FRIENDS TO BOMB U SO TOO BAD I AM NOT SENDIN 75 DOLLAS 2 U SO GO F&% URSELF. PornServ: Thank you, come again! PuggyBaby1: SHUT UP PuggyBaby1: AND U GET NO MONEY. PuggyBaby1: ! PornServ: Thank you! Hope to be hearing from you soon! PuggyBaby1: NO NEVER AGAIN PornServ: Thank you for your time! PuggyBaby1: AND NO MONEY PuggyBaby1: GOT IT OK? PuggyBaby1: LOL I AM NOT WORRIED PornServ: Your refusal to send money will result in automatic canceling of your Interactive Talkmatic usage. PornServ: We mentioned the fee in previous Instant Message Notes. Thank you. PuggyBaby1: O WELL MI DAD IS A DETECTIVE AND IF I DONT GET WHAT I WANT U WILL B SORRY CAUSE HE WILL FIND OUT WHO U R AND U WILL BE IN TROUBLE! PuggyBaby1: NO MONEY OK? PuggyBaby1: GOD THAT IS SO DUMB! PornServ: Thank you, come again! PuggyBaby1: SHUT UP PornServ: Thank you, come again! PuggyBaby1: REMEMBER MI DAD WILL FIND OUT WHO U R! PuggyBaby1: NO I WONT PornServ: Thank you, come again! Of course...I had to put in the % and the $...but she misspelled it anyway. 2: Someone sent me this a LOOOOOONG time ago,,,and I am just getting to it. Again, inspired by my past closer, "Real Men", John King sent me a list of the "100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy". Now, I can't give you all 100..so I thought I'd sprinkle in about 15 or so every so often to give you kids a chuckle. I don't know if he came up with these all by himself, or if he lifted them from aniother site..but I hope you all get a kick out of them anyway... 100 Great Reasons To Be A Guy: 12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go 23. The garage is all yours 38. You can write your name in the snow 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat 50. You can say anything (Wow, do my balls hurt!!!) and not worry 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy 72. Wedding dress: $2,000 Tuxedo rental: $75 79. ESPN's SportsCenter 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase 'F&$k it' 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries Again, thanks to PornServe and John King for the assist. I'm getting the Hell outta here. Next week....I guess RAW is taking a few weeks off so that faggy Tennis can be shown. Looks like I'm gonna have a nice post Summer vacation....kind/sorta. I tell ya, SO much stuff happens on RAW that it eats up about...ooh, I'd say 75% of the hours I do this column. A 3 hour Nitro generally is more of a breeze....so I'll be breezing for the next two weeks.....cool. Okay, I'm bailing....remember...only TWO more weeks until the NEW FALL TV SEASON!!!! This is gonna be the BEST NEW SEASON EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...or so "Entertainment Tonight" tells me. Your missions for the week......go boo the Warrior, Go ask Vince on AOL why Vader hasn't gotten a decent push, go smell the roses, go goof on every other recapper out there who isn't me, and try not to have your mother catch you playing with yourself.....(Lord.....if Hell had an eighth level...that would be it)..the worst was when she'd catch me...THEN she would make this face like I am a mental case or something....oh man...oh Lord.....Then there was the day my Grandmother caught me.....oh man....I...I...I.....I have to go. This is Hyatte (kiss my ass) Chris Hyatte
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