Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The ball starts rolling right here Yo Mop-Up RAW "Dear Chris, Thank you so much for permitting me to write a spoof Mop-Up. I hope when you read it, you'll try to enjoy it for what it is. As I told you before, all I'm trying to do is get readers. I slaved and slaved for 14 hours on my list of the top 100 Wrestlers and got almost no response. It's frustrating man. So I decided to turn "heel" and get some readers by mentioning your name in my column. I always get reaction by mentioning your name, so I figured to keep riding your coattails forever. I hope you don't mind. I really doubt you will...you are much too cool for that. Besides, I know that I CAN never be in your league when it comes to being interesting. In fact, I am merely a simple pimple on your ass. I think everybody knows that by now. Thank you SO much for letting me do your PPV recaps by the way, I tried to be as much like you as possible. I don't know how long I'll be keeping up this "heel" character, but as long as I have your approval, then my life is complete. Forever your Pimple Jay Kirell p.s. As I said, I'm going to post more fake letters under your name. I just wish you would write to me for real and tell me what you think from time to time". Jay Kirell BigJayCool@aol.com: Hyatte Worshipper, Pimple on my Ass, and a kid DESPERATELY looking for readers ....go check the Pimple's column out here on SCOOPS...give him a reason to live. I hope THAT cleared things up! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. You know the drill...some openers, some recappin'....a closer and then it's all over. In fact, this week we have TWO BIG closers that is guaranteed to give you a chuckle. The beauty for ME is...I didn't have to write either of them. Reader's sent them to me and I was so tickled that I HAD to share it. But that's at the bottom...we are at the top...we got a LOT to cover here so let's get to it. AIM or ICQ...the burning question of the week. You ALL had strong feelings towards both services...with AIM supporters citing the simplicity of the product, the reliabilty, and the fact that more people are on it. ICQ supporters screamed about the wider variety of options and perks that come with ICQ, and the fact that AIM is part of AOL...and AOL is a.....(as my buddy Ed said)...A SPAWN OF SATAN'S CORNHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Actually, a FEW folks remarked on the evil that is AOL....who knew? So, after weighing options...I figured "F-It"...and get them both...HOWEVER....my comp is having problems downloading them....so I may have to completely reboot my computer, rebuild my programs from scratch, and try it then. Obviously, in my need to clear more room on my hardrive, I got rid of a few vital components...soooooo. Either way....it's a LONG process so I'll get back to you next week on all this. An update on my adventures on the http://www.prowrestling.com/chat room. I walked in there Monday afternoon...the next thing I knew...there was a WHOPPING 8 people in there with "Hyatte" in their screen name. Whenever I go in there, many of the people I goof on run scatter like roaches.....and now we have some AWESOME trivial games. It's loads of fun, whether I'm fighting or trivia...ing. Go in there and we'll hang...and no..you don't have to kiss my ass....as the above paragraph so eloquently says, I already have a pimple on my ass who is busy sucking away. Come on in and we'll rule the room. Okay, that's it for the opener. Time to get into it. I have no witty segway into this. No smoothly fluid transition from the opener to the recap....instead, just like everything else I do, I have to awkwardly blunder through with no grace and no delicacy. I am the Bull in the China Shop known as the Internet and I'm fixin' to smash some trinkets RAW IS WAR (or Did Shawn save Chyna? Or did he REALLY save US?) -opens with the Undertaker walking out of a room and into a dark hallway. Then Kane walks out of the same room. Wait a few beats...then Patterson walks out of the room with his hair disheveled, his shirt untucked, his collar unbottoned, sweating profusely, and smoking a cigarette...and thire MAY have been a stain near his nether regions....but it was too dark to tell. Pat was breathing heavy too. Just before the cut away, Patterson yells the words, "Call me!" to the dead brothers. -the WWF One World spot.....almost like a "One WWF Nation" tagline.......interesting -opening theme -Philadelphia is rocking for this show. Jim Ross is rocking in his seat, Lawler is just rocking (GOD BLESS THE KING BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -To open things up with prerequisite ten minute storyline developer. The Undertaker comes out to his SNAZZY new theme song.....(I miss the old one) he is walking side by side with Kane. Jim Ross is so hopped up on Philly Cheese Steaks, that he accidentally claimed that this is the "first time that Kane and MANKIND have walked side by side". -They hit the ring....Jim Ross points out that the "Heniously Demonic" Hell in the Cell is omniously hanging over their heads....What could that mean? What does Mr. McMahon have up his sleeve? And do you wanna place bets that we'll find out right around the time the Ultimate Warrior shows his face on Nitro to wax moronic? -Jim Ross inadvertantly cause a MONSTER spittake over here at the Hyatte Household that caught my dog COMPLETELY in the face...thank God I was only drinking water. Jim Ross said...and I quote, "Aw somebody's going down tonight! And they're going down HARD"....(good Lord...this whole sport is gay!!) -UT has the mic and is about to speak when..... -Out comes Vincent K. (No Brisco...we will NOT be placing candles on my toupee for me to blow out) McMahon. Vince was looking happier than a pig in sh*t (Insert joke about your ex-girlfriend here). -In the ring Vince said, "Well, finally Undertaker and Kane have come out of the casket!!!" (Come out??? Of the???? Oh...My....GOD.....I WAS RIGHT!!!!! WRESTLING IS RUN BY THE PINK SQUAD!!!!!!!!! THEY'VE ALL GONE HOMO!!!!!!) -Vince also said that this was the best television since President Clinton's "Mea Culpa" from a week ago......(They oughtta run his horny ass out of the White House.....Gore can run it for a few years, but he won't get elected...screw it...BRING IN NEWT GINGRICH!!!!!!!! HE'LL TAKE CARE OF SOME BIZNESS!!!!!!! AND HE'LL KEEP HIS PANTS ON TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Liberals......feh -Anywhoo.....Vince was happy because he was right the whole time and the Brother's were indeed in...."cahoots"...(Thanks to Vince..."cahoots" is now the most used word in all the chat rooms.....the SECOND and THIRD most used words are "Hyatte" and "Sucks"....the FOURTH most used word is "Who?") -Sooo...Vince went on and on.....tell you the truth, I was picking my toenails and wasn't really paying attention. It boiled down to this: Since Kane is back with his bro', Austin has no chance at Summerslam.....BUT...UT the new World champ is will NEED Vince McMahon on his side for guidance, influence, molding, full bodied oil massages, and friendship.. -THUS...the burning question of the night turned out to be..."When is the Warrior coming out?" -THEN AFTER that...the OTHER burning question is..."Vince McMahon: Friend or Foe?" And Vince damn sure wanted an answer by the end of tonight....roughly around the time that Goldberg comes out. -Ross again wondered why the "Demonically Henious" Hell in the Cell was looming large as.... -Paul Bearer came out to add depth to this storyline....lots and lots of depth. Bearer looked like he was trying real hard not to laugh at all this nonsense. -Bearer went off on a well scripted tirade about how Kane turned his back on him in favor of the UT...even going so far as to call UT's mother a "sleazy whore". (Ross, "Oh God") -Bearer begged Kane to do "one last favor" for his Pop and destroy the Undertaker. Kane turned his back on Bearer and UT gave him a HUGE boot to the face and started pounding on him..... -Out came Mankind...Vince ran out of there like he heard that Sy Sperling was having a "going out of business" sale. -Kane attacked Mankind..then the UT joined him. Foley offered no resistance.... -The boys gave Mankind a Spike Tombstone....Ross began the eulogy. -Vince came back in time to set up the cue for the final player in this silly ass little melodrama.... -and out came Austin...almost walking right smack into a wall of fire at the entrance way provided by either WWF pyrotechnics......OR the Hellspawned powers of the Dead Brothers....YOU decide! -Austin had his own mic....what were the odds of THAT happening huh? -Austin blah blah blahed about this, that, these and those......and said that before the night was over....he'd be kicking someone's ass. You don't need a Bachelor's Degree to get the gist. -Ross and Lawler told us what the rest of the 1:40 minutes of the show (minus commercials) had in store for us.....plenty of fun that should keep us away from TNT....assuming that we have any brains in our heads. -Ken "Flash" Shamrock comes to the ring...if the "zone" was a woman....he'd be in up to his waist already -"Flash" Shamrock lept out of the ring and screamed at Ross....this bit of pre-amble was denied to us in favor of the night's first set of piping hot..... -commercials -footage of what happened between Kane, UT, and Mankind... -we see Mankind being stretchered out into an ambulance. -out comes Dan Severn....who has maybe the BEST theme music out of EVERYBODY. Danny boy had a big gig later that night with his......well..you know...but he was willing to take a few minutes out of his warming up to deal with "Flash" Shamrock.....the match...to wit: -This was no wedding march, this was a battle theme football fight. Too bad it wasn't held in the death cell known as the UFC Octagon....no....this match was held in the space capsule known as the WWF squared circle. Both Severn and Ken "Flash" Shamrock both went for the ankles and legs. They both fought for control of the ring. Severn screamed every time he executed a move...like a powerslam. But Flash's theme was survival, and he hung in there. Eventually, Owen Hart showed up and attacked Kenny, assisting in the execution of Flash. Blackman showed up...looking like he was ready to crash dive on Mingo City. He attacked Severn. Severn and Owen both escaped from the swamp as Shamrock effectively began to "snap". The Hero gave Blackman and belly to belly suplex....Blackman returned the favor and gave HIM a belly to belly....(Patterson ran out screaming "ME NEXT, ME NEXT!!!!!"....but that was off camera). When it was apparent that neither man was going to give the kiss to the other, WWF troopers ran out to break it up. "Flash" Shamrock was busy banging his head against the steps....putting himself in a state of arboria. -scene from backstage...Mankind has left the Ambulance and is pushing his stretcher around the backstage -commercials -shot outside the arena...a big balloon statue of Austin has been erected....speaking of erected....I SWEAR I saw Patterson climbing up the balloon's leg wearing a miner's hat and carrying a pickaxe......looks like Pat is going spelunking in them thar caves -Mankind rolls the stretcher down the ramp with him on it...he crashes into the ring.....a simple bump like that and he sold it...unreal. He has a bag filled with thumb tacks with him. -Mankind demands a mic...and gets one. -In the ring, Mankind said that Vince McMahon told him that Kane and the UT were in cahoots......but he didn't believe him, BUT if Mankind wanted redemption....then he would have to fight Kane in the "Hell in the Cell".....his exact words on this matter: "Because Vince McMahon knows....that when Kane and Mankind are locked inside the Hell in the Cell...that I'm going to...I'm......well I'm gonna get my ass kicked aren't I? What kind of an idiot would step into the same cell match that nearly cost him his life? Well Philadelphia, you're looking at that idiot right now! You see, I've got a plan, and it does not involve stepping inside that ring...no, just like Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring, tonight Mankind is gonna walk up to the top the cage! And if I can put Kane through that cage or off that cage....well, I've got a surprise for that big burnt bastard...7'000 thumb tacks! I'm gonna turn him into, the world's largest pin cushion! So Philadephia, if all this goes my way...well, we're gonna make a little history tonight......and if things take a turn for the worse well.....it won't be the first time I had my ass kicked in Philadelphia!! And either way, I truly do not give a damn!! So Kane, later tonight...I'll see you in Hell! Have a nice day!" -I said it before and I'll say it again....Foley is the BEST FU&%*(@# SPEAKER IN WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!! -Ross lambasted Vince for taking advantage of Foley's poor, fragile psyche...then claimed that Vince has given him a "video" of some sort.......(IF THE VIDEO DEPICTS FOLEY SINGING TO A WOMAN WHILE DANCING AROUND A PUNCHING BAG AND INCLUDES AS SHOT OF FOLEY LOOKING UP AT AN ARENA MARQUEE THAT SAYS MICK FOLEY VS HULK HOGAN FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!! AND IF FOLEY HAS A LOOK OF SADNESS, REGRET, AND DETERMINATION ON HIS FACE AS HE READS THE BLOODY THING...I SWEAR TO GOD I AM QUITTING THE MOP-UP AND GOING TO WORK FOR RICK SCAIA OVER AT WRESTLEMANIACS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -well...maybe I wouldn't go THAT far. Samuda MAYBE.....but that's it. -Oh thank God....it was just footage from Hell in the Cell....take a guess which spots were highlighted. -Ross hyped up all the possibilities that tonight's HITC may produce...when all of the sudden... -Sable comes out.....Ross and Lawler feign shock that she is there....Ross said that whatever MIND BLOWING, EARTH SHAKING REASON WHY SABLE IS OUT THERE WILL BE REVEALED RIGHT AFTER THESE BILL PAYING.... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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