Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I said dance Little Sister, DANCE! Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Sable's HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT HAD US ALL ON THE EDGE OF OUR SEATS NOT DARING TO EVEN LOOK AT THE REMOTE CONTROL IN ANTICIPATION WAS....... -she intoduced Kurrgan and the Oddities............. -.................................... -............................ -.............umm....yeah. -Mero came out...alone. He had the mic and said that since he was all alone, Kurrgan should make his little group leave too. They left...Sable stayed. Golga looked into the camera and reminded us that he wasn't a fish. -Kurrgan powered Mero around a bit..and danced for Sable...Sable looked bored. -Thank God Kurrgan dropped that Claw nonsense by the way -Ross to Lawler, "Have you been approached to be Sable's partner?" -Lawler, "Well not WRESTLING wise." -Ross, "Easy now!" -Lawler, "What?" -Ross, "Tiger!" -Lawler, "Hey, I can't help it if I'm a love machine." -I'm tempted to give RAW the whole night right now. -Meanwhile, someone wearing a Rastafarian cap attacked Sable....."Ay Sable woomAn, woody you like to smoke some Ganja weed wit me?" (Hey, it may suck, but it's better than other web sites that have white guys trying to write black....you know who I'm talking about...."brudda") -of course...the rastafarian was really Jacky.....who started choking Sable....meanwhile, Mero got DQ'ed for using a low blow...the Oddities charged...Mero and Jacky blew out of there...Luna went hysterical.....I went to the can. -Lawler and Ross discussed the "Deviously Satanic" "Hell in the Cell" -backstage with X-Pac....he simulated peeing on Jeff Jarrett's cowboy boots......(Boy...Jarrett never had to worry about that kind of stuff in WCW by God!) -Spot for the WWF on the Home Shopping Channel......too tame for you? Then flip on over to "Spice" to order the "Sable Blow Up Doll" (with adjustable breasts!!!)...Still not satisfied? Then buy the latest issue of "Blue Boy" and order the "Patterson Blow Up Doll"! More?? The get the latest issue of "Ambiguous WoMan" and order the "Chyna Blow Up Doll" (with muscles that grow and shrink in CYCLES!!!!) STILL WANT MORE???? Then enter the WCW Nitro Party and win a Party pack..INCLUDING the ever popular Lex Luger "Vibrating" action figure. -commercials (and not a moment too soon) -Southern Justice was in the ring.......Jim Ross was interrupted by someone making noises and demanded that they kill his mic. -Lawler tried to get through his "Paid for by the following" spot...and was also interrupted... -We see Hawk seated next to them dressed in street clothes and sloshed out of his mind.....he wanted to help them out with a little "color dysentery"...which was funny in more ways than one. He also asked if JR's wife still had the belt...which is WAAAY too inside for even me. -Hawk then asked Lawler if he remembered 1986 in the Mid-South Coliseum.....I rewound the tape a dozen times...but couldn't make it out...something about a piledriver.....whatever it was..it got Ross PISSED. -Then Hawk asked them to talk to Vince McMahon for him...but they turned the mic off by then....Ross apologized to us....I have NO CLUE where they are going with this....but they are playing it BEAUTIFULLY. -By the way Southern Justice was taking on the New Age Outlaws.....Road Dog did his thing....Bad Ass did his thing... -Bad Ass had his hair braided......I automatically pissed my pants....almost by reflex -Jeff Jarrett marched to the ringside and grabbed a mic...it wasn't working....Hawk started talking about asking Vince for a raise...Lawler said that maybe he should get some sleep. -Jarrett ripped the headset off Hawk...Hawk told him to talk to the hand...(Yeah, like..whatEver). Jarrett demanded X-Pac ...claiming to be sick and tired of this silliness....Jarrett was barefoot by the way....for those of you that need a computer to, like Tony, put two and two together. -It was pretty funny really....when Jarrett gets on a roll and is playing up the "outraged heel" bit...he's friggin' hilarious... -The Outlaws won after Bad Ass gave Dennis (Phineus) Knight an UGLY piledriver (It was like the powerbomb that Nash gave the Giant at either Souled Out or Starrcade)..... -Jarrett still demanded X-Pac to get out there......then he and the Hillbillies gave the cameraman a haircut because he kept pointing the camera at his shoeless feet...even though he had many warnings....Ross demanded that they stop....downright BELLOWED for them to stop......of course...Jimbo didn't try to MAKE them stop.....but he just settled into his seat and once you got the ass grooves formed....it's just too damn comfy to get up from. -UT and Kane are seen walking backstage -commercials -Ross points out that the "Satanically Devious" Hell in the Cell was being lowered... -Kane and the Undertaker come out....Ross says that "No single human being on this EARTH, can get through those two!!!" (Oh really JR?? Haven't you heard of the phenomina known as GOLDBERG?????? GOLDBERG WOULD SPEAR THROUGH THESE TWO DOUCHEBAGS SO FAST THAT YOUR BRAIN WOULD EXPLODE IN TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HIM!!!!! DON'T FU%$ WITH GOLDBERG ROSS....HE IS THE KING OF THE JEWS!!!!!!!!) -The above missive was a bonus treat for you WCW fans out there who think I am too hard on your promotion. See, I take care of you guys too.. -AND DON'T GIVE ME ANY CRAP on that "King of the Jews" line.....Nitro showed a sign that read that very same sentence and STAYED on that sign for a good 2 seconds....go bitch at them....not me and not Al. -Besides..so what? Who cares if you bitch or not? Don't you get it by now? I OWN the Net...I AM THE SHOW HERE!!! MATT DRUDGE CAN KISS MY ASS IN MACEY'S WINDOW!!! I AM THE ONLY THING ON THIS WEB WORTH ANYTHING!!!!!!! I AM THE KING HERE...IT'S MY HOUSE, MY COLUMN, MY SITE..MY FU&^%$#$ SHOW HERE!!!!!! I AM HYATTE AND I AM SCOOPS..AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?? THEN YOU CAN GO(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) FOR THE CANDLE WAX!!!!!!!!!! -Kane hits the ring...UT stays at ringside. Meanwhile on Nitro...the Warrior was busy making up new words....(I'm STILL not sold on "epical") -Mankind comes out and tried to climb the cage...WWF refs stop him...Mankind attacks the refs....Kane attacks Mankind.. -Mankind grabs a chair and tries throwing it up on the roof...he missed twice...on of the chairs bounced down near Lawler......Lawler jumped higher than his 14 year old girlfriend's father when they first met. -Mankind tried to scale the cage again...UT grabbed him and threw him into the Mexican announcer table...that one Mexican guy ALWAYS goes down in his chair and ALWAYS lies there motionless like he had a heart attack and died right there....I'm cracking up thinking about it right now....BWAAAahahahaaaaaaa...it IS funny -It was a good drop.....Foley was in the same point where HBK was when HE took the Hell in the Cell plunge....and it looked damnright safer than Foley's previous spots. -Mankind was the bitch for a while, and allowed Kane to get him in the cage and get it locked... -Kane dropped the steel steps on Mankind.... -Kane did a damn impressive cross body off the top ropes..... -Mankind went under the ring...came out on the other end with a chair and thumb tacks... -Ross...after a nasty chairshot on Kane..."AWWW Who's your daddy Kane?"...Haven't we been through that already? -The scattered thumb tacks were kept in the corner......Kane ended up with a padded ass full of them.. -Kane's ass was COVERED with thumb tacks.....word has it that it took about 6 men...INCLUDING Vince and Brisco..to keep Patterson from blitzing out there and playing "Connect the Dots"...and Pat had NO intention of using a pen, pencil, or even his hands........ -Kane tombstoned Mankind...then looked at the UT -UT ran his thumb across his throat -2 chairshots to mankind's head....Ross, "STOP IT....DAMN IT!!! HOW VILE!! HOW EVIL!!! HOW DEMONIC!!!!" -Tombstone on a chair.... -Ausitn came out of NOWHERE...(well...Ross said he came from under the ring) and attacked Kane...UT climbed to the roof to get in.... -Austin was going nuts on the Big Red machine Stunner's galore. -UT on the roof...kicked a hole into the cage and was trying to open it up more...then... -The cage rose up...we see Vince is pushing the cage button to lift it up....thus keeping UT safe for SummerSlam... -another Stunner for Kane... -Austin's music plays.....Austin goes up the ramp...rolls onto the floor and heads towards something...we see Vince tear ass out of there... -Austin grabs the stretcher and carries it to the ring......Ross shrieks like a woman...we go off to some.. -commercials -Ut and Kane in the ring....UT has the mic and promised all sorts of pain for the Rattlesnake... -Chyna stomps to the ring.....in a huff and looking...well....looking like a man quite frankly....(but not as much of a man as Nicole Bass...as seen on Howard Stern and ECW)...she stands in the middle of the ring and waits... -Out comes the "People's Champion" (F-YOU DDP!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!!!!!!) Maivia has a mic... -the Nation comes out sans the Godfather..who Ross said was recovering from the Braw for All and will be back to Ho beating form before we know it....they brought a ladder with them. -In the ring, Maivia said that he knew that this thing was a simple set up conspired by DX...but he jumped a few moves ahead and turned the tables on them....in other words... -we see a fork lift parked in front of DX's locker room.....DX was trapped (and apparently, not bright enough to realized that the doors opened IN....not OUT) -so, with Chyna all alone in their Maivia had his way with her and JUMPED HER!!!!!!!!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN...THE NATION GANG BANGED CHYNA ON LIVE TV!!!!! THIS TIME YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR VINCE!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -oh of course not.....morons. -no...after reminding us that HHH will be jamming with him at Summerslam, he decided that since Chyna is obviously so hot for him......he would give her a little "cooking lesson" around 2 o'clock tomorrow morning.....Chyna went for him.... -The Nation caught her and pushed her to her knees.....Maivia commented that it looked like a "natural position" for her... -Okay, D-Lo and Owen were holding her down on her knees...Maivia had her face and moved to kiss her...then... -The Rock said that there was NO WAY he would kiss a piece of trash like her.... -Mark HENRY, on the other hand......well...this was right up his alley.....Maivia ordered him to get jiggy wit' the bitch.. -Henry started flicking his tongue and got ready......I.....umm..I mean Chyna.......uhh....oh my God...... -ummmmm.....I'm having these....errr....flashbacks......ummm I was 23........doing time in prison for tax evasion......ummmm....c-block....NO...NO.....D-BLOCK.... -I was in D-Block......washing the floor.....when the "King Niggaz" approached me......they ummmmm errr.......one of them was called Z-Smooth.....he had braids.........oh God..they held me down........Z-Smooth told me to do something...but I...I.....I.... -Shawn Michaels ran in...chaired Henry...tossed the IC belt back to Maivia...offered the chair to Chyna..she took it with reluctance......she was pissed.... -No skinny guy with a pony tail saved me....it was a bald guy...with tattoos...his name was...was.....I don't remember....he was part of the "Latin Kings".... -he saved me from Z-Smooth and his gang...they never bothered me again......but I had to pay for the protection...Lord I had to pay.... -at night.......when the screws were having lunch.....I had to repay the favor.....oh yes...I had to repay -oh man.....I....I....I had blocked all this out.....now it's rushing back.......I...I...I need a breather.....hang on.... - - -commercials -we see DX out in the parking lot...looking for either the Nation of for Z-Smooth...WHERE IS HE??? I CAN SMELL HIM...I CAN FEEL HIS EYES ON ME!!!!!!!! - - -sorry......ahem..... -Out comes Val Venis.....(who basically STOLE HBK AND HHH's act...if you think about it!)....he took on Taka Michinoku.....Shawn Michaels joined the kids at ringside and deflected any and all questions. -The match lasted about 140 seconds when.... -HHH came out and chaired both of them out...(HEY DICKHEAD..I WAS MAKING REMARKS ABOUT MY GENITALIA WAAAAAAAY BEFORE YOU.....MY GOD!!! YOU RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!) -Guess what HHH talked about...go ahead..guess..... -see...I knew you could figure it out if you REALLY tried....he did say that Maivia was going to be his "BITCH" at SS...and he really used the word....God...I haven't heard anyone say that with such force since Z-Smooth said.......ummm......ahhhh.....oh dear..... -................ - - -nevermind.... -commercials -they showed the Summerslam video...I have three things I want to point out.... 1: Anything involving AC/DC is automatically GOOD. 2: I SWEAR I saw nipples on that babe in the video 3: While the street scenes were just okay...the match clips were AWESOME. -and that's all I have to say on that -We see Gangrel warming up for a big snowflake catching contest being held in Alaska next week.....HBK says that Gangrel gives him the "willies" (oh man...he ain't cutting it...he just.......ain't.........cutting it!) -commercials -out comes Gangrel...looking a LOT like Drew Carrey -He drinks his blood.... -out comes X-Pac to jam....and so they did.. -Nice move where Gangrel catches X-Pac in mid spin kick and chokeslams him... -X-Pac goes for the "Bronco Buster"......I'm telling ya'.....even DX has turned faggy... IT'S ALL ELLEN DEGENEROUS' FAULT....HER AND THAT ANNE HECHE CHARACTER!!!!!! -Jarrett showed up and put the guitar right through the little Pecker's head.....it stayed there too... -Meanwhile..the Edge attacked Gangrel for unknown reasons.....it kind of reminds me of the OLD WWF back in the 80's when Vince would start feuds for no apparent reason other than to fill up a card....Snuka vs the Honky Tonk Man is a CLASSIC example -by the way...Gangrel was laughing after the attack and the Edge was wearing a black overcoat....between these two, I've counted about 20 RIPPED OFF gimmicks ALREADY. -commercials -Much like the NBA.....it is the FINALS of the Brawl For Al (AL???? WHAT'S WRONG BUDDY? WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME WHY THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR YOU????? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? DO YOU HAVE A DISEASE? CANCER??? OH THAT'S IT ISN'T IT? AL HAS CANCER...OH WHY????WHYYYYYYYYY?? TAKE ME LORD...SPARE AL AND INFECT ME INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!) -anywhoo....MUCH like the NBA...the Brawl For Al (????) only gets interesting at the end..when it's down to two guys....Bart Gunn and Bradshaw,....they hit the ring...got their instructions....and the bell rang.. -Bradshaw went down twice...the second time ended it..... -Was it a work? Maybe. Was it a shoot? Maybe. I think what happened was that this started out as a shoot.....with Williams being kept in mind as the all out winner here...but Gunn stole his thunder....and really got the attention of the right people. Lots of people...too many in fact...were injured from this....so it couldn't be a total work.....I think of it as a shoot...with a wink wink, nudge nudge to who Vince wanted to see win. Besides...Bart Gunn now has the dream push that EVERY WRESTLER WHO HAS NEVER WORKED A MAIN EVENT has prayed for...whether he makes something of it remains to be seen. -Oh yeah...and Bradshaw is ready for a push too....a BIG push -Michael Kole has had enough....his kids are starving....he has no electricity..and Nynex is about to turn off his phones....he has an interview scheduled with Vince Mcmahon and he is GOING TO DEMAND TO KNOW WHERE HE STANDS WITH THE COMPANY!!!!!! DOES KOLE GET TO STAY OR SHOULD HE SEND BISCHOFF A BOUQUET OF ROSES AND A RESUME???? IT'S NOW OR NEVER FOR MR COLE!!!!!!!!! -Cole freezes up...asks Vince about the Undertaker....Vince mumbles something with confidence..then tells Cole to get out before he is thrown out....Cole leaves a puddle on the floor as he runs like Hell. -some weird music plays...the lights go out...blue light comes on... -out come some guys with hoods on...Lawler and Ross call them Jews...(Jews?? JEWS????....JEWS??? Does GOLDBERG APPROVE OF.......oh heck....maybe not....methinks it's best to stay VERY clear from this subject matter......) -The HOODED guys carry a casket to the ringside.... -out comes the UT -UT grabs the mic and talks about Summerslam -Out comes Vincent K (My toupee wiped up Cole's mess with ease....and gave me that kinky "wet look").....he hit the ring and asked the big question...Vince McMahon: Friend or Foe? -UT stuck out his hand....Vince went to shake it... -UT chokeslams Vince... -Austin comes out of the casket and yells in Vince's face...he faces off with the UT... -Kane comes out of the casket and attacks Austin...UT stands by and watches... -one thing leads to your mother and.... -Austin is walking up the ramp backwards with a chair....a line of fire erupts up the ramp and AC/DC starts up...which kind of buttons up the Infomercial that was tonight's show. -Oh yes...and in case you were looking for this....just what THE HELL WAS KANE AND AUSTIN DOING LOCKED IN THAT CASKET TOGETHER?????? MY GOD ALLMIGHTY IN HEAVEN ABOVE!!!!!!! IT'S PATTERSON'S WORLD AND WE ALL JUST LIVE IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!! The show wove a good series of tales...but there wasn't a Hell of a lot of actual wrestling...and what wrestling there WAS ALL ended in screwjobs save for one...which was mostly known for Jarrett shaving a camera guy and Hawk acting drunk. Oh yeah...and Ross showed some class by ignoring Schiavone's antics last week.....he claimed to have read Internet remarks about Tony....but seeing how EVERYBODY on the Net had something bad to say about Schiavone....I won't make any assumptions that he wandered in here...(even though he did....EVERYBODY DOES!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAaaaa.....eh). Miles covered, miles to go..read the Nitro Mop-Up NOW......before I have to go to each and every one of your houses and kick your asses! Speaking of which...no Sandman tonight.....hmm.but, but, but...Al Isaacs PROMISED US THAT THE SANDMAN WOULD SHOW UP!!!!! HE WROTE IT IN STONE AND PRACTICALLY GUARENTEED THAT THE SANDMAN WOULD BE ON RAW TONIGHT...HE IS A LIAR AND A DIRTY BASTARD AND SHOULD BE CRUCIFIED IN THE MIDDLE OF TIMES SQUARE OVER A SLOW BURNING PIT AND BOB RYDER SHOULD BE WHIPPING HIM WITH A BARBED WIRE STRAP!!!!!!! Of course not......especially since Al NEVER promised it....he simply said that there was a RUMOR at the WWF about it...and he later said that the RUMOR which he DID NOT START was not going to happen anyway. It is the INTERNET....it is WRESTLING ON THE INTERNET, you anal retentive asswhipes...Reporting (NOT STARTING...REPORTING) rumors is NOT a crime....especially when the rumors come from sources in Stamford and Atlanta. If you guys have a problem with someone reporting RUMORS and STRESSING that they are JUST rumors...then you should....oh...fu&$ it...just go get laid and mellow out.....go get some strange chick with big breasts to blow ya...you'll feel MUCH better. And for Chrissakes...will someone go to Nitro or Raw and put these "respectable" sites on TV with signs please....maybe then they'll chill out and stop being such jealous bitches. NOW go read the Nitro Mop-Up Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1