Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
It starts here.
Mop-Up Nitro - 9/2
"You must be a homosexual or have some serious homosexual tendency because I have never read some many references to homosexual sex as did in your last column. Hey, I'm mean the occasionally, reference of how far Bischoff is up Hogan's ass is one thing but "tongue up ass", "know how to give good head", "time share in Hogan ass"(Ok that one was pretty funny),"wet spot on the zipper" comments are a sign you are deeply denying your sexual feelings and should just come out of the closet. I mean I read the mop-up to find out what happen on Nitro and I get a gay f*&% story. Personally, I don't care if you are gay but you should keep your fantasies out your column and stick to the facts. Also, Scoops is a business now and they are going after advertisers, but some your comments might turn them off. So respect Al and respect your readers and keep your comments PG-13 instead of XXX. Kids do read this site you know."
Sam Lover (I kid you not): Mop-Up reader, true stud, and a man TOTALLY comfortable with his masculinity....he's just sick of all this gay crap.....and ENOUGH with the Gay Pride parades already....ENOUGH....ENOUGH DAMMIT!!!!!!!
Hi Fellas! I'm Chris and this is a shortened Mop-Up. Since RAW has the next two weeks off, I'm on a bit of a vacation....cool huh? There won't be a RAW Mop-Up for the shows that USA is putting on Saturday night...so feel free to read the spoilers all you want....okay? Okay!
Speaking of which....I had intended on having this ready by Tuesday morning....seeing how this is an easy half month for me....but I was caught up into something Monday and couldn't get to the friggin' thing...I can't get into details 'cause it ain't none of your damn beeswax.....(nosy bastards)....but I will admit that alcohol was involved....lots and lots of alcohol. I don't know if it's my tolerance or what...but I pounded down about 5 Vodka Martini's in about 90 minutes and barely caught a buzz.....the Martini is SUCH a weenie drink....I had to start ordering Jack Daniels....THEN things got hoppin' I tells ya'!
Getting into things, Summerslam. Good show, solid effort from everyone. Some points that no one has touched upon...as far as I can tell:
1: Notice how Ross had to point out EVERYBODY'S age? X-Pac is 27 HHH is 29, Venis is 27.......anyone dumb enough to NOT know what he was really saying?
2: That top rope leg dive UT took on Austin was KILLER!! I damn near thought that Austin broke his neck again.....especially since it looked to me as if UT's foot drove right into Austin's face.
3: The biggest complaint I'm getting is that the screwjob ending on the Venis/D-Lo match...granted, it WAS a silly way to end it...but it was the ONLY screwjob ending on the whole NIGHT....quit yer bitchin' people....or just order WCW PPV's from now on and be satisfied.
4: Would somebody explain to me how they can make those "GOLDBERG SUCKS/AUSTIN RULES" shirts? WCW sure ain't making them...WWF sure CAN'T make them...so who makes them? And how come they aren't getting their asses sued because of it? Don't you need permission or something?
Since by now, the show has been analyzed to death....we'll move on to other things.
I did the radio thing again with Rob and the boys at WRBB...104.9 "Inside the Squared Circle" Monday afternoon. Hey, I'll be honest, I was booked on VERY short notice (we are talking minutes)....so my performance was less than stellar (my BIG prediction for the night...I said that Nitro would either "suck or be very good"....nice one Hyatte...way to be insightful)....my apologies to Rob and co. and PROMISE to kick ass next time I go on....because I really want to put an effort in everything I do......and I understand that no matter who tells you differently.....the Net is still a joke. Just because you have some wrestling facts does NOT make you anything special or even interesting. You need to be entertaining as well.....and it helps if you don't have a droning hick voice that puts people to sleep.
Thanks to TLMFBI (Daniel) from the http://prowrestling.com/chat for those pictures...consider my mind blown.
Thanks to the Pimple for his constant plugs of my column in his. I have never read the words "Hyatte" and "the Mop-Up" so much in one column......"Who's Next, I'm Next" is now a Mop-Up Infomercial apparently.
Anything else? Ummm.....nope. So we can get into it.....this should be interesting. Without any competition, will Uncle Eric give us "one for the ages" that Tenay seems to declare every week....or will he shift into cruise control and give us crap, crap, and more crap because he has us by the short hairs and HE KNOWS IT!!!!!!!!!!....in other words....is this Nitro? Or Thunder???? And if it IS Thunder..then why the Hell am I recapping it? Then again.....it seems obvious to me that......uhh...maybe not....better not go there...nevermind!!
Nitro:(or WHO THE FU%$ IS AL GREEN??)
-Opens with "Voodoo Child and/or Chile" bursting over the loudspeakers before Tony could get his first hype in.
-And out they come....Hogan, Baldcake, and of course Mr. Airplane. Hogan tells the camera that he has taken over the world when we weren't looking and it was all because of Eric. Meanwhile, Eric was trying for that tough but lovable pose.....either that or he was trying to stop himself from farting....my bets on the latter
-Hogan declares his undying love for the kid.....and plants a wet on his hair....Eric's eyes rolled into the back of his head in an orgasmic frenzy...and let loose an ass blast that fogged up Beefcake's sunglasses....self control goes out the window once Hogan's lips caress you...I'll tell you whut.
-They hit the ring and take they're places....Eric has the mic and brags that he's carrying a loaded weapon.....which is a DAMNABLE LIE.!!!!!! As you all know by now...Hogan's tender kisses are MORE than enough to empty Eric's chamber prematurely.....I'll tell you whut. Hell, the fact that Nitro is running solo tonight is enough to make Eric take target practice into tissues all night long.
-Anywhoo, Eric pulls out his pen and calls it the most powerful weapon in the world.....for some reason, I thought he would pull up something...umm...bigger. The he tells Eddie Guerrero that he WILL be wrestling tonight..and that the Warrior will NOT be there tonight......(one could only pray couldn't one?).
-Then he hands it off to Hogan......he rambled about Wargames
-He prattled about the main event for tonight
-He twaddled about Goldberg
-Then he started in on the Warrior.....leading up to the point in the script when he was supposed to cue the Warrior....so he did.
-And out came the Warrior.....Tony's veins bursts as he screeches, "ANOTHER SPECTACULAR ENTRANCE....AND ANOTHER SPECTACULAR MOMENT ON NITRO!!!!!!!!!"
-The crowd pops...the ropes are shaken.
-Then Hogan shows that hanging around with the Evil Prynce Dillenger has it's advantages.....and now he can SUMMON THE BRIMSTONEY FIRES OF HELL TO EXPLODE BY THE SHEER FORCE OF HIS CORRUPTED WILL!!!!......in other words, the pyro tech was cued to hit a button and all fire shot out of the packs tied to all four ring posts....but my explanation was MUCH cooler.
-Out of nowhere...the NWO White (Racist pricks) surrounded the ring...Hogan tells the Warrior that he is about to get crucified (Hey! No wonder the hired Scott Putski!! They needed his CROSS!!!). Warrior offers himself up for the taking...(Is anyone NOT surprised? Any idiot can see that he has a HUGE Messiah Complex...go read his web site for 10 minutes)
-The lights blink on and off......Warrior asks his fans to speak to him......smoke fills up the ring....fans at ringside suddenly start giggling and get the munchies.
-The light come back on and the smoke clears...no Warrior. Tony's jaw hits the table....the Big Mac he was eating follows suit.
-The lights dim again and the Warrior signal shines brightly in the sky......obviously, the Warrior had to go back to Gotham and stop the Penguin from rigging the Mayoral Election.
-commercials
-opening theme
-We are welcomed into Miami, Tony and the boys catch up on lost hype. Larry says hello to the crowds.
-Want to watch something FASCINATING? The watch Tony's eyes and head move as someone else speaks....he's trying SO hard to look important.
-Why in all Hell is someone holding up a picture of Jim Carrey behind the announcers?
-Why in all Hell is a fan dressed up like X-Pac behind the announcers?
-Why in all Hell have they pulled in closer to Tony and Tenay? So we can see that Tony has finally developed breasts in his old age?
-Why in all Hell am I wearing a condom right now?
-We see Goldberg signing autographs at Pro Players Stadium before a baseball game. The we see him hugging Mark Maguire twice.....FAGS!!!!!!!
-Check out Goldberg's super short shorts...AND the little "fag bag" he has stationed strategically over his groin......now I remember why I put on that.........WHOA!!!!! NEVERMIND...FORGET I SAID THAT....familypagefamilypagefamilypage.
-We also see McQuire rub Goldberg with his wood.
-And now...let us take a moment to ponder that last sentence...and all the implications therein
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-Jim Powers comes to the ring as Tenay compares the careers of Goldberg and Maguire...and says that they are almost identical!!! (Right...Maguire has been a pro for what? 10-12 years? Goldberg has been a wrestler for 10 MONTHS.....they have TOTALLY MIRRORED each other!!!)
-Welcome to WCW Logic.....L. Ron Hubbard makes more sense.
-Jim Powers comes to the ring...(he patiently stopped and waited for me to finish). Poor Jimbo...most of you weren't even BORN when he first started...and he STILL hasn't gotten a push. That would all change tonight....TONIGHT, JIM POWERS WILL FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO SHINE AND SPIT IN THE EYE OF ALL THE PROMOTERS WHO DENIED HIM A SHOT!!!!! TONIGHT...BISCHOFF GIVES JIM POWERS SOMETHING HE HAS NEVER GOTTEN BEFORE....A CHANCE!!!!! WE ARE PULLING FOR YA JIMMY...GO GET "EM!!!!!!
-Wrath came out......I think Jim got two boots to the midsection in.....and a couple of punches......then he wrenched his knee and screamed like a p***y. It was over in minutes....light a candle for Jim Powers tonight, kids....and shed a tear for the perennial foot soldier.
-commercials
-4 Nitro Girls surround the announcers....two of them in front and two of them behind. The two behind try to smile as they deal with Tony's constant farting (YOU try holding it in when your Boss keeps berating you over the headset). Zbyszko keeps staring at them and wiping his mouth.....Tenay just looks drunk.
-Oh Sweet Jesus No.....another Live Nitro Party with Gene Okerlund and the other half of those Nitro Girls....they are in a High School this time.....(HIGH SCHOOL???? HORNY TEENAGE BOYS WITH THE NITRO GIRLS????...AND HORNY OKERLUND WITH TEENAGE GIRLS?????? ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MINDS??? Man.....WCW's Deep Southern roots are showing brightly...much like the light on Okerlund's scalp.
-The school is called Wapakoneta High School.....with a picture of an Indian Chief and a message reading, "Welcome to Redskin Country".......this may be the most blatantly racist thing ever shown on a pro wrestling show.
-Gene says hello and is swamped by Cheerleaders...the one directly in front of him suddenly jumps up and whips her head around to look at him.....
-Y'know...the original concept of a Nitro Party was to videotape you and your friends watching the show....now it's as manufactured as Goldberg. It makes me so......well.....pretty indifferent to tell you the truth....I didn't give a fu&% then and I don't give a fu&% now.
-Norman Smiley comes out......and I'll be damned...he is actually SMILING!!! He sells his soul by announcing that this is where the "Big Boys play".....uh oh, a black guy Uncle Tomming out and calling himself a "boy"? (Bobby Walker heard that...and added about 12 new charges to his lawsuit against WCW....I hope he soaks those bastards for all they're WORTH!!!!!!! YOU GO BOBBY!!!! TAKE IT TO THE MAN!!!!!!!)
-By the way...Tony made it official and said that EVERY SINGLE COLLEGE CAMPUS IN THE WORLD watches Nitro and Nitro alone......RAW is apparently for High school dropouts and Prison inmates
-Smiley took on Scott Norton and his tongue.....the tongue won with a powerbomb...Norton was counted out.
-Then the lights went out and the Warrior appeared. He was halfway to Gotham when he suddenly remembered that the Mayoral election wasn't until November...so he didn't have to go after the Penguin tonight.
-Did I mention that the Warrior was in the rafters? Yeah, that's right...the FU&%$@# RAFTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGAIN WITH THE GODDAM RAFTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I tell ya'..I came THIS close to quitting the Mop-Up and chasing my dream of writing Children's Books!!! My first one is called, "Petey and Billy play with Uncle Pat and his "friend" Glenn" (and you thought I couldn't get a Patterson reference in a RAWless Mop-Up......I'm SO disappointed in you)
-A pre-taped bit with a post-Highball Tenay talking to Saturn about some silly stuff dealing with him being Lodi's loveslave for the time being. Saturn announced that he took FULL advantage of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy and became an Army Airborne Ranger....he also said that he wasn't going to let the Flock "rape him" ....which I guess is a GOOD thing.......isn't it? I mean it IS Saturn and Raven we are talking about here....I don't want to get into trouble, but aren't they(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR OUR PROTECTION THIS TIME) anything WRONG with that...of course!
-commercials
-Out comes da Wolfpac.......sans Sting, because he is TOO COOL to work the first hour.
-Nash says hello.....and announces that the Wolfpack just purchased a house and already had cable hooked up.........I think
-K-Dawg told the crowd to swing their hands in the air and swing them like they just don't care.
-SIGN OF THE NIGHT goes to the guy who's sign read, "WCW CENSORED MY SIGNS"......I feel for ya bud.
-Luger grabbed the mic and announced that Sting will be happy to help him fight Hogan in Hart....so long as they don't do the match in the first hour.
-Nash grabbed the mic again and said that all the rumors we heard about him being LEADER of the Wolfpac(k??) (Rumors that were NOT started by Al Isaacs...by the way) were just plain false. In fact, they had to draw straws to figure out who would be in the Wargames match.....guess who was the odd man out? Take a wild guess? I'll give you a hint...it's the one without hair....NO, NOT LUGER!!
-Then Nash reminded us that Page was offered a spot in the pack...but like a chick, he hadn't decided yet....he gave Page a week to decide.
-As far as Piper went...Nash did a BIT of a quasi shoot and said that they had run ins both in the ring and in the back..and he had no problem with another confrontation...
-Now THIS was cool..and also vintage Nash.....concerning the Warrior...I will cheerfully transcribe for you,
"I'm gonna have to say this so you'll understand it, "cause you don't talk like the rest of us. So Warrior, there's an old story about an ancient warrior who walked alone. He fell asleep underneath a tree and when he woke up, there were four wolves looking at him."
(then Nash raised one eyebrow and smirked to the camera...for some reason, I started giggling like a school girl discovering the wonders of sitting on a washing machine for the first time)
"One of the wolves seemed to look familiar, but when he reached out to pet the wolf, it took off his hand. The other three joined into the feeding fury. The only thing we got to say is this, if you're not part of the Red and Black, and you get into that cage, it's quite simple...if you're not running with the Pac, you're HUNTED by it!!"
-Then Larry ruined it by saying, "And he's not talking about Goldilocks!" (I PROMISE you...Larry was ACTUALLY PROUD of that line).
-The Pack took off and we took off to some...
-commercials
-Where the hell is the second hour? I MUST have been dozing when the fireworks came...there is no WAY we are still in the first hour!
-Tony was in the ring with JJ Dillon. JJ didn't want to discuss Fall Brawl (IDIOT!!! Doesn't he realize that Fall Brawl must be DRILLED INTO OUR HEADS EVERY SINGLE SECOND THAT ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RELATED TO WCW IS ON THE AIR?????????)...instead, he was there to have an "off the record" conversation with Arn Anderson in front of millions of people.
-So he asked Arn to come out.....and like a sucker....he did. (to a VERY respectful pop by the way). Also coming out was "WE WANT FLAIR"....patience little ones...apparently, he IS coming soon...and BOY...will I have a LOT to say about him and his situation when he does.
-In the ring, JJ admitted that among the countless Porn and Disney videotapes that he keeps in stock, he even has a couple of old Horsemen clips that he likes to relive every so often. Hell, he even brought an old tape with him...then he motioned Arn to turn around and watch the WCW wall screen (Which, according to Tony..is MUCH BETTER than that low tech TitanTron piece of crap)
-We see a younger, but still bald Arn Anderson talking about entering the Mid Atlantic area....he was trash talking Dusty Rhodes, Ricky Steamboat, Magnum TA (uh oh...the wounds are still sore there...they should have edited that one out).
-Arn was pickled tink over that...but JJ wasn't through with him yet...he wanted Arn to do that Horsemen thing again....making the COMPLETELY LAUGHABLE claim that the Horsemen could REIGN SUPREME in a WCW run by Eric Bischoff.
-Chris Benoit came out....(bit of a shock there, I guess) followed by Mongo. They muscled Tony away and talked to Arn privately. Dillon pretty much guaranteed the outcome by announcing that the Horsemen were BACK!!!!!!!!!
-Arn tried to walk away...Dillon stopped him and asked what the Dealy-Yo was.....Arn asked him why he was doing this to him. JJ called him a p***y...Arn walked away. Tony said that the show was over.
-It was over? That's it? Whoa man...this was the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NITRO WINS THE NIGHT!!!
-Aw sh*t.....he meant the segment was over...crap.
-commercials...dammit
-second hour fireworks......NOW??? Oh man...I got a LOOONG ways to go!
-The announcers eulogize the Horsemen (should have done it years ago). Larry has a feeling that Arn is hiding something VERY, VERY personal inside...but he can't quite figure out what it is......(every mark with a 10th Grade education can figure it out...but Larry can't....go figure)
-Tony discusses Bischoff's power while wielding a pen of his own......I doubt he knew what he was doing.
-Footage from two weeks ago when Eddie delivered a carefully scripted, well rehearsed SHOOT!!!!!!
-Anyone else think this whole Eddie Guerrero angle is one big F-YOU to Flair? Of COURSE it is....and THAT'S why Flair's career is ruined if/when he comes back......kids, I know Eric Bischoff.....he is NOT a hard man to figure out.
-Brian Adams comes out with Vincent...who is SUCH a lost cause that Bobby Walker didn't even TRY to talk to him....(I THINK there is a joke in there somewhere....feel free to look for it if you want)
-The Warrior appears in the rafters again.....(sigh....sometimes, you just want to bang your head against the wall until you fall into a black, dreamless sleep)
-Eddie Guerrero comes to the ring nonchalantly...and lays across the ring corner (Oh Man.....MY GOD THEY RIP OOOOOOOooooh who cares anymore anyway? screw it)
-Eddie lays down for Crush and offers himself up for an easy pin....since Crush is usually the one who does the job.....he was confused.
-Tony ignores everything that wrestling is about and says that he has never seen a wrestler job before in his LIFE.....and then has the balls to sell us the notion that the Warrior's presence has shaken him up.
-Okay Dammit...I admit it...this is a pretty good angle.....but I KNOW Eric will ruin it somehow.
-of course Adams wins.
-The Eddie grabs the mic and says that he won't let Bischoff sue him like he did that "other guy whose name I can't mention even though I'm shooting because nobody knows if everything is legally ready yet"...then they cut his mic off mid sentence and a nervous Tony stutters us into an emergency set of....
-commercials
-Footage from last week's Thunder...dealing with Ernest "Shamrock" Miller...don't know, don't care
-Then "The P***y" comes to the ring to take on Riggs...still don't know and still for DAMN SURE don't care. If you do....heh.....you've got some PROBLEMS
-Miller also grabbed the mic after the fiasco......."Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" was the only thing worth noting...for now.
-The Nitro Girls just don't have that ZIP without Kimberly's leadership.
-More fun with Mean Gene and the Nitro Party...he interviewed a kid.....then claimed for some unGodly reason that the kid "raped him over the coals"....
-That's TWICE the word "rape" has been said on a wrestling show......the incredible part is that it was said by two men.....what was even MORE amazing was that PATTERSON DOESN'T EVEN WORK FOR WCW!!!!!!!
-That's TWO Patterson lines in a RAWless Mop-Up......and they said it couldn't be done.
-Gene tells AC Jazz that Larry Z said hi.......AC made a dumb face.....which is kinda redundant.
-God...I hope you had enough of this...because I won't be mentioning this crap for the rest of the column.
Chris Hyatte
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