Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And it ends here. Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -Konnan comes out as Bobby Heenan joins the fun. Marty Jannetty comes out sporting a SNAZZY new haircut and some new attire...(Ohh, so it was the HAIR and OUTFIT that kept him down while HBK became a superstar...IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!!!!!! BISCHOFF IS A GENIUS!!!!!!!) -Oh CRAP...K-Dog won...it's back to the drawing board for Jannetty and Eric.....but rest assured, one day soon..Marty will assume his rightful place as THE REAL SHOWSTOPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -by the way...the match ran about...oh I'd say around 8 minutes.....5 of those minutes were rest holds. Out of those 8 minutes...Tony and the boys spent a WHOPPING 90 seconds calling the match. The other 6 and a half involved explaining to us how RAW isn't on the air this week because they didn't want to go up against the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! -To be honest...they didn't try very hard to sell the fact....but they mentioned it nonetheless -commercials -Raven came out with the kids...Lodi made Saturn hold up a sign. Saturn stuck out his lower lip in defiance. -Raven told Lodi to tell Saturn not to touch either him or Kanyon....Lodi did so...then Raven told Kanyon to "break him"....THEN he tossed the mic to Kanyon...which Kanyon dropped...which made everyone in the building laugh at him....(which is better than the yawns that Kanyon usually gets, I guess) -Then Kanyon picked up the mic and goofed on Saturn for having "pride and integrity"....then tried to goad Saturn into hitting him. Saturn refused. Then Raven told Saturn that Lodi would be his tag partner. -High Voltage came out to take on Saturn and Lodi.....this keeps getting worse and worse. -You know...I've seen clowns, giant birds, IRS agents, repossession men, Outback Jacks, Hillbillies, idiot football players, Crow wannabes, Dudes with Attitudes, Bischoff in the ring, Leno, the NWO Nightcap with Eric Bischoff, fake Razor Ramons, Fake Diesals, Ze Gangstas, Final Solutions, grown men acting like a rooster, AND NWO Souled Out.......but nothing....and I mean NOTHING has made me feel like this segment has made me feel. I have NO CLUE why Saturn is following Lodi...I have NO CLUE why Kanyon is now with Raven......I have NO CLUE when ANY of this took place...and you know what? I DON'T CARE EITHER!!!!!! Usually, I am at least CURIOUS as to wear an angle may go...like Ernest Miller for instance...I may not give a crap..but I am curious....but for this.....I simply have no desire to see where this leads..not one shred. -commercials -Tony is in the ring..and calls out DDP. -Page comes out and runs through the crowd to go find his car keys....he dropped them earlier today and...well....Eric left his "Gray Out" in the car...and he is now FREAKING. -DDP hits the ring and calls Schiavone "T-Bone" .....well, there is no more goofing on Tony now...Page has officially labeled him as "cool"...and since Page is OUR CHAMPION....we have to do WHATEVER he says. -You know...Page is like "Fruitopia".......a carefully conceived, well thought out, corporate "rebel who plays by his own rules"...I'm not knocking him really...just pointing out a fact. -Now that I think of it...the Pimple on My Ass fits that description too. -Page called Tony "T-Bone" again......I was about to go watch Tennis when... -Piper came out.....now I REALLY should go watch tennis now right? -Right...but first, I want to hear his Hip 80's reference of the week..and how he squeezes cheap applause out of the Miami crowd. -Tenay is counting on our blissful ignorance and our innate stupidity by calling Wargames the "most dangerous match in wrestling history"...(well.....it IS Piper/Hogan in a cage.....and Piper still has one good hip to break) -Piper has the mic and mentions Marilyn Manson, Barney the Dinosaur, and the Power Rangers...well I'll be damned....Piper has entered the early 90's!!!!!! At this rate, he'll be discussing Puff Daddy and Master P sometime in the year 2009!!!! Good for you Hot Rod!!!! -Then Piper started a LOOOOONG speech about Bret Hart.....even bringing up the fact that he was a Tag Team, Inter-Continental, and World champ! (Whaa? When?? In WCW? What is this....Inter-Continental nonsense? When was Bret a world champ? OR a tag team champ???? When? WHEN??????? Didn't Bret debut about 9 months ago? Isn't he just a ROOKIE????) -Then the Giant ran out because commercial time was looming large and bills had to be paid. The Giant beat the crap out of both of them. I hope Flair is watching this....because this is what happens to the guys who are LOYAL to Eric. -Dillenger showed up with his minions. They put handcuffs on the Giant...he didn't break them off.....nor was any real reason given for why he was being taken to the pokey...and you wonder why I can't stand Bischoff? -commercials -The third hour arrives.......I need to get drunk....right now -Scott Steiner comes out with his Dr. He hits the ring and grabs the mic. He talked about getting heat from the sun and the broads....too bad he can't get any from the fans -He did his schtick with his Doctor......the Doc kept saying "right on" ...and mentioned the name, "Ju Ju Ubangee"...who is another Doctor who can and will testify to Steiner's injuries. Steiner asked for Dr Ubangee to come out... -the LINE OF THE NIGHT goes to Bobby Heenan, who said, "The Doctor has no pants on."....it was the only full laugh that I've had all night long.... -Out comes Buff Bagwell.....dressed as a Rastafarian....they should have put black face on him.....because screw it, when you go down, you go down in FLAMES!!!!!!! -Meanwhile...Bobby Walker saw this and his eyes lit up with dollar signs. -Meanwhile...Bobby Walker's attorneys saw this and broke out the champagne. -Meanwhile...Turner Sports Lawyers saw this and ran....nay...SPRINTED to the phones.....one of them went into cardiac arrest. -Meanwhile, the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ was at home embroiled in a good book. -Bagwell did a little voodoo goofing in the ring..which included some sort of powered...when Heenan saw the white powder on his fingers, he said, "It's like Dillenger after the donuts"........(Oh My God...Dillenger got to Heenan...HEENAN HAS SOULED HIS SOUL TO DILLENGER AND IS GOING ALONG WITH....WITH.....) -You know...F-It...the show is a disaster and this week's column is a disaster....let me just blow this off and save the good Dillenger stuff for when I'm really cooking. -Rick Steiner showed up and chased them away....about 5 minutes too late -Then the Warrior showed up again...in the rafters.....Tony said, "The One Warrior Nation looks after us ALL!"....What amazes me is why anyone watching this would NOT WANT TO BEAT THE LIVING SNOT OUT OF HIM???????? Come on Marks....YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO JUST TUNE ON HIS ASS!!!! -commercials -Juventud Guerrera comes out with the Cruiserweight belt. He is taking on Evan Karagias. Wouldn't it be SO COOL if he was named "Haywood Jablomee"? -The crowd was more into watching some hooligans cause trouble off camera than the match...it is SO surreal to see EVERY head look away from the match in unison. -Never saw Karagias before.....or maybe I did and forgot...but that didn't stop Tony from remarking on the MAJOR WAVES THAT KARAGIAS IS ALREADY MAKING IN THE CRUISERWEIGHT DIVISION!!!!!!!! AND THAT HE IS ALREADY 9 TIMES THE STAR THAT THE EDGE COULD EVER POSSIBLY HOPE TO BE!!!!!!!!! -Star or no...Guerrera won it...pretty long match...best one of the night...but that ain't saying much. -Nitro Girls here.... -Nitro Girls there.... brought to you by "Mugg's Root Beer"....I would say something about their tagline, "The foam goes straight to your brain"...but Zimmerman has pretty much staked his claim there...and I try to leave a LITTLE something for everyone. -Nitro Party....I told you already...I've had enough of this already. -Oh sh*t,,,,how can I pass this one up.....Geno, "It's been a long time since I had this much fun!"....must have been because of that raping over the coals thing. -And Hacksaw Jim Duggan showed up to call the cheerleaders a bunch of Hoes. -Nitro must be ending soon...because Gene announced that it was FINALLY "party time". -Jericho took on Disco Inferno....but not before he grabbed the mic and said that he was better than each and every one of us (at this point in my life...I am in no mood to argue) -This was another long match...which pretty much sealed the deal that we are DEEPLY SUBMERGED into a little slice of ratings joy which is known "round these parts as the MIGHTY DINF PUSH: PHASE IV -Of course...Jericho is on the verge of superstardom.....and signed an extension to his contract...figure that into the equation and do the math -Since there was no RAW...I have to take what I can get...which means that YOU get this... Tony, "Disco's been looking very good! I guess he realizes that of the two, he is not the biggest jerk in the ring! That's new for him" Heenan, "No, the referee is. Well, he's not the BIGGEST jerk, he's a small guy." Tony, "Would you....oh just shut up." -Tony is now reduced to answering EVERY Heenan line with "shut up".......I am starting to question whether or not he was EVER any good. -commercials -Kevin Nash kicks Tenay out and assumes his place with the announcers....Tenay wanders off to freshen up his flask. Heenan immediately begins to kiss ass. -Goldberg comes out of his dressing room flanked by WCW Security (because he is a FRAIDY CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Dillenger following close behind...just watching............ -and waiting........... -He comes to the ring....along the way he spots a young man in his teens looking depressed.....he wanders over to the kid and asks what his problem was...the kid said that he spent his WHOLE summer allowance on a ticket to the show...and the show ends up sucking.....the kid started to cry. -Goldberg laid a giant paw on the kid's face and lifted his eyes up to meet his own....the kid looked up and Goldberg said, "Sorry kid.....even I can't save this piece of crap show tonight"...then he told a nearby security guard to sell the kid a Goldberg shirt at 5% off...just to show what a good hearted capitalist he is... -The kid beamed and asked, "Can I have a Goldberg Sucks/Austin Rules" shirt? Goldberg kicked the kid in the groin so hard that he suddenly had the number of Adam's Apple's in his throat suddenly tripled. -Goldberg was taking on Al Green. Nash said that Green was his original tag team partner when he started in WCW 9 years ago. I guess WCW history has changed to where he NEVER left at all....will wonders never cease.....Hell, will believability ever cease? -FOR GOD'S SAKES...WILL THIS SHOW EVER CEASE????????? -Who the FU#$ is Al Green? Why is he in the third hour??? WHERE THE HELL IS MENG WHEN WE NEED HIM?????? -You're not that stupid are you? You really need me to go on here??? -Well too bad.... -commercials -Michael Buffer told us to get ready to rumble -Hogan and Hart came out....Hart informed the camera that he was once screwed over by Vince McMahon. This lecture ate up enough time to drag our asses into some final... -commercials -Luger and Sting came out. The match was on... -Lex and Hart stared out.........Lex ended up flat on his back...which is where he stayed for most of the match. -Hart refused to fight Sting....Sting squeezed a last few drops of comedy out of the old "Pull Hogan's doo rag off" trick...and by God...he gave me a chuckle in the process! -If Hart was in there, he was fighting Luger..... -If Sting was in there, he was fighting Hogan. -If Hogan was in there, he was fighting either Sting or Luger. -Repeat the above sentence....substitute "Luger" for "Hogan" and "Hart or Hogan" for "Sting or Luger" -Then Hogan started to whip Sting with his belt.. Hart yanked the belt away from him and got in his face....then he walked off -Hogan chased after him....Bret yelled that Hogan broke his word to him.....Sting and Luger won by countout. -Hogan and Hart came back to the ring and beefed a bit....Beeffart tried to keep the peace Hart gestured towards his face...Beefcake ran out of the arena screaming with fear. -The rest of the NWO came out...Hogan reminded Hart about the NWO rules (what I wouldn't give to see THAT rulebook). -By the way...we were DEEP into the fourth hour by this time. -The lights dimmed and smoke filled the ring.....we see NWO members FALL TO THE GROUND ON THEIR OWN ACCORD...(there are SOOO many places I can go with this...but ALL of them would get me into trouble) -Then the lights come back in and the Warrior is in the ring thumping his chest....the announcers put the icing on this week's lame ass cake by claiming that the Warrior had "laid them all OUT" -"Hogan!! You can get up!! We can smell your feeeeeeeeeear" (oddly enough, it smells like Obsession by Calvin Klein) -Hogan runs like Hell.....the show ends like Hell too. The show began like Hell as well.....pretty much, the show was like Hell all around. It was a lazy outing.....pure and simple. So, in as such, this was a lazy column. Hey, I'm good, but I can't make magic if I don't have SOMETHING to go with. I give the first hour to Melrose Place, the second hour to staring at my wall, and the third hour to OZ.....simply because I REFUSE to give the night to anything that has Al Green in the third hour...and another idiot in the rafters for the whole show. Read the closer then go recover from this bad outing... We'll make it simple this week. Here are some fun things I like to do when I'm not sleeping, eating, pooping, showering, or writing: -Go out at night with a cable remote...find a house with a TV on facing an open window....turn the channels on them sumbitches. -Call people until you get a answering machine...tell them you are "Bob" from you're local Pest Control place or a local stump removal company.....say that you'll be there around 6 AM tomorrow morning to start digging and/or fumigating. Be sure to tell them to have all pets and small children removed from the premises for no less than 24 hours -Go to the grocery store and buy only apples and razorblades. Watch the looks on their faces....especially effective around Halloween -While driving down a freeway for any length of time, always look out for people singing in their car. Then just stare at them. If you are REALLY lucky, you'll come across someone moving, shaking, and working the dashboard....they're putting on a Hell of a concert. Getting caught is absolutely humiliating....not that I would know...of course. -If you are a girl in High school...get you and you're friends to pick any guy in class...look at him, and when he looks back...start giggling. Watch his face turn beat red. -Walking outside in the dead of night absolutely naked is one of the few true exhilerations in life. -Turning people's driver's plates upside down is always amusing.....just do the rear and it may take them WEEKS to catch on. -This takes some guts. Walk into a videostore wearing an trench coat and shorts...so your legs are exposed.....ask if there is a adult section. Watch the clerk's face change as he (or hopefully) she looks you over. If they have one...go in there and stay there for 20-30 minutes.....but don't buy anything...then you come out panting. It helps if you don't shave for a few days too. -At a wrestling show....preferably during a televised event, scream, "HEY, IT'S (insert either Austin or Goldberg or Al Snow's name....depending on which company's show you are at) " and point.....watch EVERY HEAD turn. I SWEAR...you can do that at LEAST 9 times before they stop listening... THEN start screaming, "IT'S A FIGHT!!" and point away from the ring. If YOU have cool things like that to do...let me know and I'll use them in the future. I'm getting out of here....really...I am..no, I mean it...goodbye This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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