Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
My Kingdom for a porn star...9/9/98
"I have no idea who Chris Hyatte even is. If he wants to make fun of the way Bob speaks, he can have a party. I am above all of that. Quite frankly, I personally detest when people try to make themselves part of the show. That's not my thing. If it's Chris Hyatte's thing, good for him."
Dave Scherer: owner/operator of the Daily Lariat at wrestling1.com, SERIOUS wrestling journalist (How DARE you have FUN!!!), and someone who is NOT reading this right now.....shhhh...don't tell him.
"I'm not a journalist!!!! So Marc Madden can't POSSIBLY be talking about me!!!"
90% of the Internet....scattering like roaches when the lights come on.
Come on...you HAVE to laugh. This is the Mop-Up and I'm Chris.....but I guess since last week officially became "SCOOPS SUCKS AND IF YOU HAVE ANY BRAINS AT ALL...YOU WILL NEVER READ IT AGAIN!!!!" week....I guess nobody is reading this.....sigh....breaks my heart.
As far as my take on Madden goes.....well, since they switched the Hotline backdoor number I had before he came back, I have never had the chance to listen to him. I'll be humble on this and assume that (like everybody else) he has never heard of me, much less read my work....so I really don't think I was foremost on his mind when he issued his "challenge" to the "Internet Geeks" (can't argue with him on that point). So, until WCW gives the REBEL WHO PLAYS BY HIS OWN RULES Madden permission to name names...I won't say a word.
By the way....if anyone reading this knows the WCW, WWF, ECW, or any other hotline backdoor numbers...feel free to send them to me. I won't ever mention having access either way and of course, confidentiality is guaranteed. I mean really...do you really think I'd PAY to hear Lee Marshall?? Or Jeff Katz (sp???), Or that Deli guy? Just don't forget...I would need the codes too.
That's about it for openers....let's get going...as was the case last week, no RAW mean a half assed Mop-Up and a quick breeze through Nitro. Last week, watching Nitro was like waiting in line at the DMV. This week? Well, considering the numbers that they managed to draw...what do YOU think? Something new? Fresh?? Exciting??? You do? Really???? Exactly what color is the sky in YOUR world, Buddy?
Nitro: (or How do you sell a chair shot again?)
-(BREAKING NEWS, BREAKING NEWS!!) This just in, WCW has issued the following press release immediately following Mark McGwire's 62nd homerun:
"World Championship Wrestling wishes to congratulate Mark McGwire for breaking Roger Maris's 37 year old record and reaching 62 homeruns in a single season. We cannot help but take partial credit for this remarkable feat as it was WCW World Champion Goldberg who allowed McGwire to rub his glorious chest with his bat for luck, thus elevating McGwire's bat from MLB standard wood to a staff borne fit for the Gods. Were it not for our Heaven sent champion gracing said bat with a bit of his magnificent essence, it would be safe to say that McGwire would still be struggling to break 60 home runs. We can only hope that McGwire remembers this when we call upon him to work a WCW pay per view in the near future. Again, congratulations to Mark McGwire for a job well done, which was all made possible by World Championship Wrestling, Eric Bischoff, and of course Goldberg, who coincidentally enough, has yet to do ANY well done job, or any well done match., or any sort of JOB for that matter.
p.s. Vince McMahon rapes chickens
World Championship Wrestling"
-opens with the camera frantically running backstage and Tony frantically swallowing his pre-match Pancakes...(heavy on the chocolate sauce).
-the camera kicks into a room to see Hogan, the Giant, Beefeater, and of course, Uncle Eric raising heck in their dressing room. Bischoff seems to be doing some "kata" as Hogan is bitching at everyone who will listen. On the wall, a big Warrior sign and the letters OWN have been spraypainted on it. Hogan ponders how Warrior could have "slipped through the cracks"....(too early to go THERE, kids). Bischoff leads them to go look for Dillenger....for obvious reasons.
-The camera follows Hogan's back down a corridor....notice how Beefcake kept running past the camera to be at Hogan's side.
-Next thing we see..they come across and ambulance just pulling away and Vincent yelling something to Hogan about Norton and Brian Adams have been taken out. Try as he might, Vincent could NOT stop laughing at all this nonsense.
-Eric started to chase the Ambulance......in a perfect world, that would be a full time job for him.
-Bischoff starts calling for Dillenger.....Dillenger was nowhere to be found...he was too busy readying the seeds of Black Seduction so when it's time for the Ascension of the Unholy, the Dark Chyld Dillenger will be able to CORRUPT AND SEIZE THE UNWASHED MASSES AND TAKE HIS RIGHTFUL THRONE AS THE PLANET IS HURTLED INTO THE VAST COLDNESS OF DAMNATION!!!!!!!
-Either that or he was having a cigarette.
-No Hendrix, no air guitar, no airplane flying, no kiss on the cheek.....Eric and Hulk stomped their way to the ring....the Douchiple jogged behind them to catch up. Before hitting the ring, Bischoff made a HUGE production out of looking under the ring for Mr. Helwig, then displayed his thespian training by holding his arms out and screaming, "WHERE IS HE???"
-Then the Booty Man was seen looking under the ring...only HE was looking for his eyeball.....it kinda popped out and rolled underneath the ring....(now you know why you can't hit his face)
-Bischoff called out the Warrior...and called him a "gutless piece of garbage"
-Hogan called out the Warrior....quite outraged that he would "leave his STAINS on his dressing room wall"....(see, Patterson TOLD him that target practice would come in handy one day!!!)
-Then Hogan said that in order to get to HIM, the Warrior would first have to get through Beefcake...(I smell a main event for Starrcade), then the Giant (I smell a main event for Thunder) before he could get to him.
-note...Giant looks as bored as Hell here
-A full 110 seconds of Hogan and Bischoff looking around followed....Tony was so excited for the Warrior's possible ENTRANCE THAT COULD TAKE PLACE AT ANY GOD GIVEN SECOND THAT THEY WERE ON THE AIR SO DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK ABOUT TURNING THE CHANNEL...that he almost forget to scream, "WHAT A WAY TO BEGIN NITRO LIIIIIIVE!!!!!"
-opening theme
-commercials
-Tony welcomes us to Pensacola, Florida...first hour fireworks kick off. Tony announces that Nitro is officially 3 years old today....which is really special because 3 years old is about the age you would have to be in order to truly buy every angle, gimmick, and storyline that they throw at us.
-Case in point..Mike Tenay, explaining it to us like were we all 3 year old, and acting like this was the first time he even heard of such a concept, "What is this? Bret Hart??? Is now.......out of the WARGAMES????? Off??? Off Team Hollywood??????
-Larry Z declared that the third year was "the charm" and THIS is the year the WCW REGROUPS AND FINALLY MANAGES TO DESTROY THOSE NWO INVADERS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!
-Konnan took on Bull Pain...who looked to be in real pain wearing that ridiculous outfit. Konnan did his little thing.....which will stop being cool in about 6 more months. Tony proclaimed that Konnan has already gotten the fans, "WHIPPED into a FEVER pitch!!!" (sigh .....$50 and a Blowj&%.......you people know what to do....Hell, if you really, really want me to...I'll even swallow)
-Konnan won...and I'll be a sumbitch....Konnan was SOOO over it wasn't even funny....the rat bastard was HUGE.
-Tony and the boys ignored the match in favor for talking about the cage match tonight......commenting that it was a year ago when Hennig slammed the cage door on (some guy who we can't mention yet but we will be able to next week even though you all know and we all know who it is we still have to keep it quiet so as not to give it away to the 3 year olds whom this show is geared for anyway) the TRADITION of the Horsemen.
-One guy won, the other guy lost....and you don't need a G.E.D to figure it out
-Tony and the boys officially say hello....Larry does his thing. Tony looks around nervously as he tells us the the Warrior is "everywhere and nowhere at the same time..and it's downright SPOOKY...but it's okay fans, because the Warrior fights for the side of WCW!!! The side of GOOD, the side of JUST, the side of ALL THINGS THAT ARE RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!!!! (In other words, Patterson better be biting his pillow tonight out of FEAR...and not out of pleasure.......I think I have reached a brand new low).
-Footage from last week dealing with everything and anything concerning Hogan and Hart
-Mean Gene talk to JJ Dillon...whose hair seems to have time traveled back in time about 20 years....while the rest of him stayed put. JJ announced that Bret Hart WILL be on "Team Hulk" for Wargames...so F-You Hogan.
-The Nitro Girls are in the ring....Tony calls them, "drop dead gorgeous"......but Tony hasn't been laid in over 4 years.
-commercials...including a T-shirt for WCW's version of "Wag the Dog"...Goldberg
-Mean Gene was in the ring, and he brought out Diamond Dallas Page
-Page came out, then ran through the seats looking for Kimberly's birth control pills....apparently, Eric's feeling frisky tonight and...well....hey, YOU explain his big push!!!! They ARE neighbors after all...sheesh...grow up and see the world.
-In the ring, Page did what the script told him to do and say that he HATES being told what to do. He also didn't like being threatened by Nash to either join the Wolfpac or be sodomized by the Wolfpac. He said that he didn't trust Nash.
-Out comes Nash...
-Mean Gene..in a CLASSIC fu%$ up, said, "Well, apparently you have opened up a can of................(long pause as Gene was taking an earpiece full of Bischoff SHRIEKING AT HIM TO SHUT THE HELL UP)............well........NWO Black and.............red." (to hear him MUMBLE that last part out was a particular delight....I bet he was getting REAMED)
-Nash hit the ring with a handy mic. He told Page that he has been invited into the "elitist group in professional wrestling history"....and if he isn't in Nash's "foxhole" (dug by Pat Patterson a few years ago.....for those who need a Pat joke or two in EVERY Mop-Up) then he is in.....well, you know the rest.
-Page told Nash that he can't trust him and he had no clue how Luger and Sting can trust him either.
-Which cued Luger and Sting to come out.....Sting was looking PISSED that he had to work the first hour.
-Luger grabbed the mic and basically said the exact friggin thing Nash said...except for reminding Page that they had patiently waited for him to finish "Karl Maloning and Jay Lenoing" it before giving them an answer.
-Page asked Lex if he REALLY thought Nash wouldn't jackknife him or Sting in a heartbeat during the Wargames? If it meant a win and a shot at the title?
-Sting grabbed the mic and said that he felt Nash's powerbomb a couple of times, so it wasn't a problem....AND he remarked that he had to bail Page out of trouble once or twice t'boot..(which made no sense to include in the speech, but screw it).
-In the end, Sting told Page to go get Piper and they will have a jam with two of the Wolfpac later on that night. Page agreed, then personally invited Nash to be part of that team so he can go porno on TNT and give him a little bang.
-Mean Gene, "What can I say?? it's NITRO, it's TNT, it's EXPLOSIVE, I'm in BIG TROUBLE FOR ALMOST QUOTING AUSTIN!, and we're gonna be right back!"
-Guess what...the segment WORKED! It was well paced, tense, and nicely.....(heh)...acted. (Jason Hervey's backstage Method training must be paying off)
-commercials
-Gene was STILL in the ring and brought out Piper. Tony commented on "that slow walk of his, deliberate and with purpose." (translation....He would have brought his walker out if he didn't think the world would laugh at him)
-Piper makes his way to the ring.....
-Piper makes his way to the ring.....
-Piper still was making his way to the ring...
-Piper begins panting as he makes his way to the ring
-They play his music from the beginning
-Piper reaches the halfway point
-Eventually, Piper hit the ring apron and leans against the ropes to catch his breath
-Piper opens his mouth and makes a "hip" reference on how Hogan looks like ET: the Extra Terrestrial.
-THEN he said that he ain't DDP's lap dog and does NOT like working a match that he didn't agree to work.
-THEN Piper said that it's every man for himself in the Wargames...and that there were no teams.
-THEN he said that he would work that tag match with Page because deep down, he really is a lapdog.
-Oh yes, he called Bischoff the "Bill Clinton of the wrestling world" ......I agree....Clinton fancies himself the next Kennedy and Bischoff fancies himself the next McMahon.
-What? You wanted a Monica Lewinsky joke? Sorry, that one's WAY too obvious for me....go to another "humorous recap with bite" out there (Jesus...they seem to be popping up by the DOZENS now)...at least ONE of them will get a Lewinsky joke in there.
-A video production montage of the Nitro Girls...................
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-.........is THIS our reward for giving them 6.0 last week? Is this necessary? IS THIS SOMETHING THAT THE FANS TRULY NEEDED IN THEIR LIVES?????
-Sadly, they are bad dancers even on a video production.
-quite obviously, they needed it to fill time while Piper hobbled out of there.
-Zbyszko, "I think that Fyre can melt the North Pole." I think Larry's South Pole is seeking ex-wife number 5.....and that ain't snow it's spitting out.
-Lenny Lane (Who's parents almost named, "Bobtopus Garden") came to the ring to take on Wrath.. Wrath won before Van Halen's lawyers could make their first phone call to WCW.
-commercials
-we come back to see the cameras following an agitated Vincent (he must of gotten a subpoena from Bobby Walker's attorneys) down a corridor.
-Next thing we see, Hogan and Bischoff run into their dressing room to see Beefcake hanging upside down against the wall, strung up by his feet...looking like a freshly caught fish.....(freshly caught fish? OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!! THE BOAT IS BACK!!! THE BOAT IS BACK!!!!! THAT DAMN BOAT IS BACK TO FINISH THE JOB IT STARTED 8 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!)
-Hey...how's this for a cool sign, "BEEFCAKE'S FACE SANK THE TITANIC"...why the fu$% not? Get to it people...make me proud.
-Bischoff started to scream for someone to get a good plastic surgeon. Hogan cradled Beeffag in his arms...shaking in rage....summoning up all his Hervey trained, thespian might, he screamed "WARRIOOOOOOOOR" as Tony sent us off to some...
-commercials
-I may have missed something, because I flipped back a bit late into it...the first visual I caught was...
-Bret Hart in the ring and waiting for something.
-Out comes Henning, Vincent, and Stevie Ray...not for match (Heaven forbid), but for a conversation with Bret over his refusal to dip deep within the well of Mr. Hogan's tuckus.
-Stevie Ray called Hart a "sucka" about 5 times as he walked to the ring.....a personal best.
-Then Sting ran out for no discernible reason (Crap...I must have missed a LOT)
-Sting chased the NWOers out with a bat...then gave it to Bret and turned his back....(quite frankly, Sting looked very, VERY tired of this foolishness...didn't he lose the bat when he lost the white makeup?)
-commercials (I must of missed a sh*#load)
-Oh thank GOD!!!! It's the THIRD hour fireworks......There really IS a God!!
-Up Close & Personal with Rick Steiner.....if it's all the same, I'd rather I keep this Very Far & Businesslike
-Making his NITRO debut!!!!!!!!!!! EVAN KARAGIAS!!! comes to the ring to give the promoters a glimpse of a REAL up and comer with a spark in his eye and a desire to reach the HIGHEST pinnacle of success in WCW...go GET "EM EVAN!!!! WE ARE ALL ROOTING FOR YA'!!!!!!!!!!
-Scott Steiner came out.....Buff Bagwell invaded the announcer's booth and sent Tenay scurrying away to a bottle of Johnny Walker and the loving arms of Stagger Lee Marshall
-Someone should tell Steiner that Vince closed down the WBF a loooooooooong time ago......so he ain't getting in.
-After a rambling diatribe that sounded like he had the words taped behind his sunglasses...Steiner beat the living snot out of young Karagias...I hope they give him another shot at proving himself on live TV....one day.
-By the way, apparently, Steiner had "laid out" Karagias's REAL opponent...but since nobody in the locker room would allow to be jobbed out like that...they didn't mention anyone's name.
-Zbyszko to Bagwell, "The NWO already used you up, they already took your SOUL."
-Buff's response, "Took my soul?? Oh grow up, you goofy dickhead!!" (well, not really....but you KNEW he wanted to say that....he just pointed out that he makes a lot of money)
-Larry shot back, "Hey, My ex wives have as much money as anyone and it didn't cost me my soul....just my house, my cars, my golf clubs, my stock options, my gold fillings, my shower curtain..."
-Steiner wins, Buff leaves, Tony vows to send someone out to search the bathroom stalls for Tenay (and I'm not even kidding).
-WCW Nitro Party Pack winner......THIS time it was REALLY a bunch of kids....and a few adults....and I SWEAR I saw Lawler lurking in the background with a game of "Chutes and Ladders" under his arm!
-commercials
-Oh Sweet Merciful...Hector Garza makes his RETURN to WCW after several months (and a LOT of Burritoes apparently...that boy got PUDGY).
-Juventud Guerrera came out to defend the Cruiserweight belt against Garza...who is even LESS cruiserweightish then Jericho was.
-On his way to the ring, Guerrera looked at the camera and said, "Who's gonna get the JEWS???" WHAAA? Why the HELL would Juventud want ANYONE to get the Jews? What did they ever do to HIM??? Get the JEWS?? I don't get it? Does that mean that Juvee is into (EDITED BY SCOOPS BECAUSE WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE TROUBLE AND HYATTE BETTER CEASE THIS LINE OF COMMENTARY BEFORE WE BRING IN ZIMMERMAN TO REPLACE HIS FAT ASS)
-Tony and Larry moved FAR away from Tenay as he dropped trou' and prepared to erupt should Garza prove able to pull over his Supercorkscrewdoordienothinginthisuniversecantopincredibleunbelieveabledaveschereisa dweebandbobryderisadweebtooonlyheisboringaswelleitherwaybothofthemcan suckmeinmaceyswindowiwonderifanyoneisreadingthis Plancha that he has...
-God...I've been waiting for MONTHS to do one of those again....now if Bischoff can bring back the VILLANOS....I'd be a happy camper
-The match was the match......what you would expect from these kids...EXCEPT for....
-...a questionable moment where Guerrera for the Top Rope Hurricarana..he leaped back, but Garza wasn't playing. Tony screamed that it was a block, but it could have very well been a monster fu$# up.
-Guerrera won...in case you are anal retentive and need to know EVERYTHING (And if you are...then why the Hell are you reading THIS???)
-Mean Gene brings out Curt Hennig and Rick Rude....Hennig bragged about ending the Horsemen one year ago and how he's gonna tune on Malenko....other notable points...
-Rude called Gene "divet head"...which gave me a laugh
-Hennig said that Malenko wants to be a Horseman so bad that, "He doesn't know which end of the horse he wants to be" (I got dibs on the groin area...just so I can say that I'm hung like a horse)
-Hennig treaded into some VERRRY dangerous waters when he said, (when he gets through with Malenko in the cag) "The whole world is gonna know, that you are nothing more...than a horse's.....assk Rick Rude!!!"
-There was some real good, lighthearted fun in there at the end. As Gene was wrapping up, Hennig checked his reflection off Gene's head and Rude brushed stuff off his shoulder's.....Gene looked at them and said, "That's not dandruff, give me a break!" Hennig gave Gene a pat on the chest and walked off smiling..Gene started to laugh mid sentence....nice stuff, so you KNOW that Bischoff grabbed hold of Hennig and Rude backstage and BLASTED their asses for even HINTING that they may be cool guys....Dumb asses...HOW DARE THEY EVEN COME CLOSE TO BREAKING KAYFABE ON NITRO!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE THEY HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!
-Rumor has it that Bischoff docked all three men a month's pay. Just to let you know, the rumor was NOT STARTED by Al Isaacs.
-commercials
-Ernest Shamrock took on Kenny Kaos.....with a name like that, he could be a porn star.
-The "Jericholization" of the Cat continues...he grabs the mic and started to PREACH about how great he was.....going so far as to start dancing and challenging anyone to get out there and take him out.....and My Word...was that Boy PREACHING!!!!! He sounded like Jesse Jackson on crack.
-Not that I ever HEARD Jesse Jackson on crack...in fact, as far as I know...the good Reverend has never done drugs of ANY kind. From what I understand, Jackson is a fine, good hearted, morally just, UPSTANDING citizen of the United States....nay....the World.
-Which does NOT stop Ernest Miller from sounding like Jesse Jackson on crack.
-commercials
Chris Hyatte
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