Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And just like that, it's almost over...9/9/98 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -Bobby Heenan joins the fun as Trumpets played seemingly from the Heavens! -Wait a second......trumpets from the Heavens????? -Oh my God...the Bible was right??? IT'S THE RAPTURE!!! IT'S THE RAPTURE!!!!!!! GOD IS BRINGING UP ALL THE GOOD SOULS!!! DILLENGER'S UNHOLY CRUSADE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!!! GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG FOR MERCY PEOPLE!!!!! BECAUSE GOD IS BRINGING ONLY HIS MOST LOYAL FOLLOWERS HOME TO THE PROMISE LAND!!!! OH TAKE ME LORD...TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME!!!!! -Then Chris Adams comes out.....(Chris Adams is God???? Didn't see that one coming! The Bible didn't say anything about that!) -Oh...wait....he's wrestling Stevie Ray...no rapture...you have more time to repent....Blasphemous Heathens. -Let me tell you about Stevie Ray's get up....he was wearing traditional NWO White gear.....but all the black was now white and all the white was now black...in other words, remember Scott Steiner's "White Thunder" outfit??? Bingo. -Vincent was dressed with Hogan's doo'rag on...... -Meanwhile, Bobby Walker saw all this and immediately put a down payment on a Condo in Maui......that dude's gonna be ROLLING in the coin when it's all said and done -Stevie Ray called Adams a "sucka"...Adams called Stevie Ray a "wanker". -Tony said that Brian Adams and Scott Norton were recovering in the hospital....Norton's tongue already checked out and hit the nearest Denny's....it had no problems getting served. -FINALLY......Stevie Ray was sporting a G.U.T that made Tony look like and Olympic swimmer......spandex is NOT Stevie's friend. -by the way...Heenan was there for all of ten minutes before Tony ran out of comebacks and just told him to "shut up".......hey Madden, you can suckle me...Schiavone is a JOKE..no matter HOW you look at it. -commercials -the Nitro Girls get ANOTHER video dedicated to them....Kimberly must do WONDERS with her mouth. -Riggs took on Saturn......in the end, Saturn ended up having his fingers broken by Raven.......now there is a LOT of stuff that happened in between...but I don't CARE about Riggs, Lodi, OR Kanyon....and if you had any sense at all..neither would you. -One quick thing.....Lodi held a sign that read "JOHN BOY AND BILLY DUH HUH"...I know who they are, but I never heard them....and I'm pretty sure that I can live a nice, peaceful life without EVER hearing them...either way, one thing I'm SURE of...is that they just HAVE to be MUCH funnier than Mancow (F-you Marc..F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU!!!!!). -I'm sorry, I should give this better coverage...but I don't GIVE A FU%$ ABOUT THIS FRIGGIN' STORYLINE!!!!!! -I'M SICK OF THESE GODDAM NITRO GIRLS TOO!!!! Does WCW realize that the audience doesn't CARE about them??????? Or is the the old philosophy, "We're WCW...EVERYTHING we do is loved by the fans!!!" -Third hour fireworks AGAIN!!!!!!! Aw SH*T... there IS a God..and he's a gag writer (quick, name the movie and win a prize). -Jericho came to the ring...he seems to have the "Amish beard" cooking. -Jim Niedhart comes out and yells at the home audience to "GET UP BABY"...and like a total fagola, I jumped in shock....(I think it was a repressed "Z-Smooth" memory coming back briefly). -Jericho grabs the mic and, among other things, announced that he was the walrus...then said "Goo Goo Gachoob" (His words exactly, so don't come bitchin' to ME about screwing up the Beatle's lyrics). -Of course, no surprise who won...but HOW he won is something that needs MAJOR looking into...follow along and don't get lost.. -Jericho tried to put Jimmy in the Lion Tamer...much like 5 of my 6 ex girlfriends, Jimmy wouldn't flip over. -Jericho tried some more...Jimmy seemed to be either really stuck, or really fighting. -Jimmy laid down on his back, Jericho lost of of the legs and tried to get it back..the ref called for the bell...but it didn't ring...Tony and the boys must of unloaded a GALLON of flop sweat (among other bodily fluids) in trying to cover for it...(He tapped, No, the ref stopped it, NO Jimmy was out cold, NO, he was awake and gave up) -Jericho tried to get it on again and tried to flip him...Jimmy first acted knocked out..then fought him again, THEN reached for the ropes...the ref called for the bell AGAIN...no bell. -Jericho dropped the legs in disgust...the ref SCREAMED for the bell..eventually, it rang. Jimmy looked PISSED -Jericho and the ref left.... -The camera looked right at Jimmy in the ring (or was it the other way around?)...Jimmy barked, "NO WAY JERICHO!!!!!!!"......Douchebag Tony claimed that he really said, "I DIDN'T GIVE UP!" -I have nothing to add here...that was FUDGED UP!!!!!!! I think Jimmy just REFUSED to job the kid over...but the guy allowed DX to spraypaint WCW across his back and send him to Atlanta.......WHAT'S THE DEALY-F'K'N-YO?????? I mean, I'd ask Al, but Al sucks....remember? What's the deal Scherer? GET ON THE BALL AND TELL THE PEOPLE!!!!!! -Eddie Guerrero comes out for another well rehearsed, carefully scripted, Bischoff approved SHOOT THAT'S GUARENTEED TO KNOCK THE SMARTS ON OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES!!!!!!!!!!! -He called Bischoff, "Uncle Eric" (I'd LOVED to take credit for that and to use it as prove that SOMEONE in WCW reads this column....but I can't). Tony apparently never HEARD of the term "Uncle Eric"...why am I not surprised? -He said that he hurt his back (F-YOU HALL) wrestling Crush last week and his Dr. won't let him wrestle until he has an MRI -He talked about contracts, lawsuits, lawyers, how much he loves it here in WCW.....yadda yadda yadda -Then he said he was giving himself the night off, then kissed his hand and slapped his ass with it......Tony remarked that "Now he made it personal" -Screw the speculation...let me break it down for you..Eddie was wearing a T-shirt. On the front there was a BIG pencil with a red circle crossed through it. On the BACK, the words FREE, FREE, PLEASE were placed next to a big ME. A WCW made shirt that will be available to the public probably within a few weeks......get it now? This is just Eric's little F-YOU to the Internet smarts...and it's trying to show that he doesn't care WHAT we think. -of course....you could also assume that it means that Eeric has a sense of humor about all this................yeah right. That would mean that he actually CARES about the fans....which of course he doesn't...he cares about our MONEY...he cares about our RATINGS...but that's about it. -commercials -the cage is lowered -Curt Hennig comes out...no Micheal Buffer there to introduce the contestants...(Mid carders are BENEATH me and do not WARRENT my angelic voice!!!!!!) -commercials -Dean Malenko comes out....Tony hypes away at our sensibilities by screaming, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU HOW A CAGE MATCH IS REALLY ALL ABOUT!!!!!!! PEOPLE TALK ABOUT A "HECK IN THE CELL"...BUT WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT CAGE MATCHES FOR ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!" -It was boring.....miserably boring..... -It begs the age old question....."If a cage drops around two combatants, but no one really puts it to use..is it really a cage match?" -At one point, Hennig grabbed an above rail and hung on to it with both hands and feet...then he just hung there motionless like a TOTAL MORON as Malenko took his sweet ass time in getting up and slamming him down. Completely awkward and as fake as I have ever seen wrestling get. -At ANOTHER point, Rude got a foreign object from Rude, used it on Malenko, then clearly tossed it away....the announcers were SO wrapped up in the Warrior that they TOTALLY IGNORED IT!!!!!!!! NOT ONCE DID THEY EVEN MENTION IT!!!!! (Note to Madden......hey douchebag...defend THAT!!!!!) -Hell, Tenay even commented on the SHOT that Hennig gave Malenko, but ignored the foreign object involved. -I'll save you the time and boil it down....ref went down, Bischoff charged with Stevie Ray, cage was opened, Rude and Ray pounded on Malenko, Rude and Hennig were about to slam the door on Malenko's head, all hope seemed lost...then -Out from the back, Arn Anderson RAN out, gave Rude and Hennig double forearm shots... -He hit the ring and had a brief strip down with Stevie Ray.....Ray charged, AA sent his head into the cage, Arn pounded on Stevie Ray until he got out of the ring... -The fans exploded, Heenan exploded, Tenay took a gulp from his flask, Tony shrieked, "WHAT A MOMENT IN PRO WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BY MY CHILDREN'S EYES, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT THIS IS THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -alright dammit...I admit it..I was marking out too...just like EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU MORONS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go ahead, admit it. It's okay. -commercials -Scott Putski came to the ring with a giant cross on his chest and with his fingers smelling like Missy Hyatt. -Goldberg comes out......you know the drill. -on his way to the ring, a middle aged woman in a wheelchair signalled to him...Goldberg ignored her.....it was Labor day after all. -I'm not going to get into the match...you know how it ended -I'm not going to get into the fact that Putski apparently was the number 1 contender....too easy. -I'm not going to mention the sign in the seats that said, "GOLDBERG DA JEW"...I'm still dazed about the Juvee crack awhile ago. -No, what I'm going to say about the match is this...WCW put Goldberg in the ring and had him DESTROY a man with a GIANT CROSS on his chest!!!!! Just think about that for a while.....chew it over. There you go....just ponder that for a bit........I'll pause the Mop-Up so you can consider the symbolism therein....... -......................................................... -.................................................... -................................................................ -.................................................. -The Nitro Girls came out so we could "catch our breaths" over the wonderment of Goldberg...and so Tony could raid the Kraft Food Buffet -commercials -Buffer asked us to get ready now that those mid card losers were all done with -Out comes Sting and Luger -Out comes Piper....looking....oh Lord.....he was looking BRITTLE -Out comes Page...still searching for his wife's birth control pills.....Eric must be getting "randy". -Page and Piper argued about had the Ben Gay for after the match. -The match began...Luger laid down on the mat and spent the majority of the match there. -Sting gave DDP a JUMPING DDT that was all sorts of cool. -More weirdness.......Nash ran out...no shocker there. -Nash introduces Piper to the post....the audience thanked him for it. -Page tossed Sting over the ropes...SOMEBODY...I don't know who, I don't know where...SCREAMED "HEY YOU MOTHER FU&%#@" ...it didn't sound like a fan goofing around..it sounded real. The censors caught it....and bleeped a follow up curse that I missed....I think it came from Sting? -Nash gave DDP a powerbomb...that just about wrapped it up. -commercials -Look...this final segment was SHEER stupidity...stupid for even WCW standards.....allow me to blow this off as quickly as possible. -EXCEPT.....the sign of the NIGHT...as BIG and as BOLD as POSSIBLE....a sign that NOT ONLY FILLED THE SCREEN......but that the CAMERA ACTUALLY STAYED ON FOR A HALF SECOND!!!!!!!! As CLEAR as DAY.... HYATTE FEARS JOHNNY RODZ -OH YES BABY!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU SIR!!!!!! -I wonder....did that make me "part of the show"? And if so, am I now "detestable"? -Okay...NOW we breeze, because judging from the ratings...nobody cares much anymore anyway... -Hogan, Giant, and Bischoff hit the ring..the cage was lowered. -Hogan's calls out the Warrior. -Smoke fills the cage, Giant crashes to the ground in front of everybody...which doesn't stop the announcers from screaming bloody murder. -Warrior is in the ring with Hogan sitting on a chair.....one thing leads to your mother and.... -Hogan hits Warrior on the back with a chair...Warrior refuses to sell it...or even blink for Chrissakes -He DID shake the HELL out of those ropes though. -He runs to the door..then waits patiently as Buischoff fumbles with the keys to lock it. -Warrior is locked inside the cage...."HE'S TRAPPED, HE'S TRAPPED!!!" -More smoke.... -Smoke clears...no Warrior.....Bischoff and Warrior make Lee Strasburg flip over in his grave. Clear enough picture for ya?' -Show ended. - Now here's where I turn into a total hypocrite.....I kind of LIKED the show!!! It didn't suck, it had Beefcake strung up like Jaws, Niedhart refusing to job (I think), a LOT of missteps and miscues that I barely covered, Gene almost quoting Austin on live TV, that Arn thing which was GREAT, and of course, HYATTE FEARS JOHNNY RODZ!!, Hell, I think there was even a fan fight in there somewhere! Truth is, I found a LOT of things about tonight mighty enteratining..and isn't that what's it's all about? By the way, just because RAW wasn't on does NOT mean that Nitro had no competition..."Buffy" had the show where John Ritter guest starred as an Android....and as you all WELL know...JOHN RITTER RULES!!!!!!! No closer this week. I'm giving myself a week off. Really, coming up with a decent closer is the toughest part of this gig sometimes (easy to believe judging from the quality of some of my past efforts). So, I'll just leave you right here. Missions for the week......well, watch MTV thursday night for the Video music awards show...because it's the ONE night of the YEAR when MTV REALLY cooks.....the other 364 days totally suck nowadays. Other than that? Nothing...I'm back on PPV duty starting this Sunday with Wargames, so I'll be looking forward to that (whoopie). You look forward to whatever the hell you look forward too. Goodbye, Godspeed, and keep it in your pants. This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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