Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I haven't slept for two days Dammit. Mop-Up RAW...9/17/98 MAIL ME A PICTURE OF YOU SO THAT IF I SEE YOU ON THE STREET ME AND MY JEW FRIENDS CAN KICK THE SHOT OUT OF YOU, YOU ANTI-SEMITIC F&^%ING DORK. GO JERK OFF TO F@#$ING WRESTLING YOU FAGGOT B%^CH. YOU AREN'T FUNNY AND YOU CAN'T WRITE FOR SH*T." Dabaum1@aol.com: Mop-Up reader, literary giant, and a very, very violent individual. What the heck did I say?? This is Chris and I am the Mop-Up. The vacation is over, RAW is back on the air so now I'm back to full force. So much so that this week's column is a friggin' MONSTER . I am not kidding kids....this week is a HUGE outing.....so better get comfy. If you're looking for quicky match results (and Jesus...it's Thursday...you should know the results by now), go read Zimmerman...... Actually....there isn't any need to go read him for QUICK results, Al supplies the results every Tuesday...very brief, to the point, and exactly what you would need. I SWEAR, I didn't even NOTICE that Al did this until yesterday. I just like to mention Zimmerman's name all the time because his bosses (well, one of them at least) HATES it when he tries to return the favor. For some reason, I find it hysterical. As always, we start things off with a TON of opening notes.....let's get going. It would seem that I missed a pretty good Thunder last week huh? Well, guess what...I'LL MISS THE WEEK AFTER THAT AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT!!!! I simply cannot take WCW for more than one night and a monthly PPV. I'm sorry, I just can't. That's why there isn't a THUNDER Mop-Up......maybe one day I'll change my tune and tell SCOOPS that I'm ready to add Thunder to my writing assignments here (at the rate I'm going, they would be posted on Sundays) but don't hold yer breath Anyone care to bet that the kid who recaps Thunder here just started to hyperventilate. My point is.....instead of watching Thunder...I watched the MTV Video Music Awards.....I even started to tape it. About 90 minutes into it, I stopped the tape. The show sucked....the show sucked BIG TIME. It was just horrible.....well, maybe it wasn't THAT bad, but Lord...it wasn't good. Some thoughts: -Madonna: It's clear to me at least that this show was MTV's latest public ass licking of this outdated chick. I mean, who do YOU think "votes" for these awards? Some sort of academy? Musical peers? No, MTV votes, and since they owe their success to her (and vice/versa), they rewarded her once more. -One more thing about Madonna, this Hindu thing she has going is as transparent as that T-shirt she was wearing. It's just Madonna trying to get more "heat" to get her name in the papers. No more, no less. -That Pras/Wycleff (Wycleff? Wy?)/Old Dirty Bastard (Big Baby Jesus) jam was SO COOL....but "ODB" has GOT to be the UGLIEST mutha that ever picked up a mic. -Ben Stiller: You know you're hurting when you have to stagedive to get applause. He blew chunks. -Steve Tyler and Joe Perry looked twice their age and laughably out of place. -Hole rules. -Marylin Manson rules....even though he's trying WAY too hard to be outrageous too. -What the Hell was Brian Seltzer doing there? Why the Hell did he close the show? Okay, I'll admit it...it was a cool move putting him in there. -Jennifer Love Hewitt: I'll tell you whut...if this chick eats 3 meals a day...she's sticking her finger down her throat at least 5 times a day. Just had to get some thoughts off my chest...thank you for your patience.....of course, I am NOWHERE NEAR done yet... Congrats to David Letterman for winning an Emmy. Maybe people are starting to learn that Leno sucks and DAVE IS KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone else completely sick of that song, "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger yet? The song is cool but MAN, I can't get away from the bloody thing! Hmm, who was it that reported a RUMOR that Sid was seen at Titan Towers? A RUMOR that was squashed and criticized by Kevin Kelly at WWF.com? Was it Al Isaacs?? Nope, not THIS time! WOW!! A false rumor got out that WASN'T reported by AL??? FU%$^@# AMAZING!!! Hmm, who could it be? And why hasn't Dave Scherer commented on it? Hmmmmm? Could it be that the RUMOR wa someone at wrestling1.com's site??? Oh No!! That can't be!! They are INFALLIBLE??? They are NEVER WRONG!!!!!!! Hypocritical douchebag. Maybe now you'll learn to keep your opinions about SCOOPS (which is far from perfect, but at least Al addresses his mistakes) to yourself.....because I can keep this up forever. And I can get worse.....much much worse. Now watch...Sid will be back On RAW within two months.....just to make me look bad. Speaking of which, remember that low level web guy that I slapped around in here a couple of months ago? Well, he shut his site down. Of course, he'll probably come back on in about 6 months and pretend that he never left and ignore the fact that I humiliated him, BUT he'll WILL still talk about how someone from SCOOPS talked about him a year ago, just to keep milking from a cow that dried up a long time ago. That's how it works. FINALLY, to the three people who wanted an update......Nicole Bass' DNA results came in......it's a girl! See, I try to please everyone. Thank you for you're patience....or if you simply scrolled down to this part...well F-YOU THEN!!!!! I sweated for HOURS on this....how DARE YOU!!!! Well, okay, I sweated for minutes on this....well, okay...I didn't really sweat....well okay...I barely put any effort into it. Oh all right, I'm not even writing this, I'm in my room watching "Dawson's Creek" while some homeless guy I hired is writing this for some Ritz Crackers and a shower, so long as he cleans it afterwards. So, while I am not that bummed if you skipped the opener, Chester is PISSED. In any case, now it's time to get going on matters and take a hard look at the show's. With the speed of an underwater fart bubble and the sweatiness of an 18 year old in a strip club with a fake ID and a fist full of singles...it's time to....oh you know.. RAW IS WAR: (or Screw Flair, we've got NIPPLES!!!) -With Schiavone spending the first hour on his knees BEGGING us not to switch over...Vince and co. figured it would be best to grab us by the pubes right away with... -...the glass breaking..and out comes "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...sporting a BRAND NEW T-shirt (AGAIN???? ANOTHER FRIGGIN' SHIRT????? SWEET JES.....oh...wait a sec...maybe it isn't a new one...there are so many of them nowadays, I lost the ability to differencetiate....apparently, I also lost the ability to spell "differentiate") -Austin hits the ring as Jim Ross welcomes us back to a live RAW. Jimbo quickly issues an apology to the fans for having to spend the last two weeks suffering through the crap that Ted Turner's "rasslin" company had put us through without a RAW alternative to switch to. See...Jimmy DOES care about us! -So, Austin hits the ring, which is already carrying the Undertaker, Kane, and Vincent K. (During the 2 weeks off, I traded in my toupee for a newer model....this one has a microwave in the back!) McMahon. Vince was in full bark right off the bat as he ordered the sound guy to cut the damn music off. -So Vince delivered a loooooooong speech to Austin about "master plans", "cahooting", "triple threat matches", "pay per views", how is son is really a GOOD announcer, and how Ted Turner's grandparents were Father and Daughter....the usual hype we've been hearing for the past 2 months. The points he made: 1: The Demon Seed brothers are now Vince's bodyguards, because this storyline simply must go on FOREVER. 2: In the Triple Threat Match, the Sons of Dillenger are NOT allowed to pin each other. Thus, this is basically a handicapped match. -That was about it. Then Vince got all full of his bad self. He got right in Austin's face and said that "Vince McMahon didn't screw Steve Austin....Steve Austin screwed Steve Austin!" (Oh Why Steve? Why?....sorry for that...it was cheap and too easy, but I've had a bad week..so f-off). Austin nailed Vince and jumped on top of him, the dead boys attacked Austin and gave him a double chokeslam. -Then Vince dropped to his hands and knees, got his face into Austin's, and started to scream and shake his head wildly.....then he stood up, fell backwards with his double birdies blazing, and rolled out of the ring in a very respectable Austin impression.... -Then Pat Patterson ran to the ring, got on his hands and knees, shoved his face into Austin's, and did the same thing that Vince just did....... -...only he used a LOT more tongue.... -...and he wasn't wearing any pants. -Ladies and Gentlemen.....that was the LAST Patterson joke of the NIGHT...I hope you enjoyed it..GOODNIGHT EVERYONE...DRIVE SAFELY! - - - - -Oh okay....Vince and the kids took off....they stopped at the entrance way. UT grabbed the mic and said nothing personal, just business. -Then Vince grabbed the mic and told Austin that just for the Hell of it, and because Goldberg was fighting Sting, he'd have to jam with Ken Shamrock later that night. Ross screamed, "My GOD!!! WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GONNA DO TO POOR AUSTIN TONIGHT??????" -Ross sent us packing by declaring that tonight would be a "RAW that we will NEVER FORGET!!!" -commercials -Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler showed us footage of what just happened.....in case you were too embroiled in the to see it. -Backstage with Austin, just pacing back and forth in a rage. Once he notices that the red camera light was on, he picks up a hand truck and throws it at the camera guy. -Road Dog and Billy Bad Ass come out to their theme song that of course...rocks the joint. Bad Ass is wearing braids in his hair.......... -braids?.........BRAIDS? -braids? NO Z-SMOOTH...GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!! I AIN'T NO SNITCH...I WON'T RAT YOU OUT TO THE SCREWS...NO!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!......huff huff huff.... -................................... -................................... -.......................................... --------------------I.....I.....I'm sorry......I just had a.......ummmm......my days in C-Block..........I just wanted to pay my debt to society..........and he....he...... -.............................................. -.............................ahem....okay, I'm okay now. -X-Pac joined the two...now get a load of this.... -They were wearing these brand new T-shirts that read DOWN WHERE? DOWN HERE...which of course, is a perfect opportunity for me to throw in a MY GOD!! THEY RIP OFF EV.........ahh screw it...Bischoff banned that phrase anyway, so it was up for grabs...besides, although I can't be sure, maybe X-Pac INVENTED the phrase when he was Syxx? Ever think of that? -Road Dog did his thing....which is still amazing to me how fast and huge it caught on with the public...people LOVE it. -Jeff Jarrett came out with Southern Justice and his new haircut. He also had a guitar that didn't like to be pissed off.....so, Jarrett has a new gimmick and Tennessee Lee is on welfare, and the world keeps spinning like the callous, uncaring bitch that she is. -Because the WWF REMEMBERS WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST UNLIKE THAT HILLBILLY ORGANIZATION THAT'S ON THE OTHER CHANNEL!!!!!!!!! They show us footage of the days when Road Dog was the Bischoff to Jarrett's Hogan, and God Help us, they came DAAAAANGEROUSLY close to reminding us of his "Jesse James: Country Singer" gimmick that went nowhere fast... -How did that song that he used to sing go? "I SPEND THE YEARS OF MY LIFE ON THE GO ...ONE MORE TOWN, ONE MORE SHOW, ALL SO I CAN BE WITH MY BABY TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIHGT" -I purposely screwed up the words because now you ALL will be playing that over and over in your head trying to remember the exact lyrics.....upon realizing that you can't, you will try to forget about it.....but you can't can you? Now it's stuck in your brain isn't it? It'll be playing over and over and over and over in your noggins ALL DAY LONG!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA I suckered you RIGHT INTO IT!!!!!!! I AM THE KING!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA -Dammit....now I can't get the song out of my head either.....DAMN YOU POETIC IRONY!!!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!! -tis a mano y mano showdown "tween Jarrett and the Road Dog, with Jarrett attacking early. Doggy got a little funky with his shucking and jiving before punches and elbowdrops......which of course, is a DIRECT RIP OFF OF DUSTY RHODES!!!! But I'm sure the Dream doesn't mind...he goes WAAAAAY back with the Armstrong clan. -Then Southern Justice interfered....... -Then X-Pac and Bad Ass interfered... -One of the Hillbillies got hit with the guitar -Then Jarrett nailed Road Dog with what was left of the guitar....I guess it was pissed. Jarrett scored the win...and it's about time....they can change Jarrett's gimmick all they want, but if they don't start letting him WIN SOME MATCHES!!!!!! He won't get heat. -Ross and Lawler hype away with the action for tonight, including an "Evening Gown" match between Sable and Jacqueline....in an attempt to get the horny young teens on the precipice of discovering their own innate sexuality. (in other words....parents, if you're young teen suddenly charges into the bathroom roughly around 9:30 tonight....for God's sakes....LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And make sure you don't have any clothes hanging around in there either.....just trust me....and I suggest you change the towels after tonight too....because....well, just because. -Kane and the Undertaker are seen walking side by side down a corridor.....that reminds me, did I return that Bondage video I rented the other day?) -commercials Chris Hyatte
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