Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I'm nowhere near finished...or happy...9/17/98
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-Kane comes out with his Brother (where is Paul Bearer?)
-Michael Kole is backstage with the Rock and the Nation.....he tries to talk to him. The Rock says, "Shut Up" and lifts his hand up to hit him....Kole scampers away and goes off to spit shine Vince's shoes....using his tongue as a shammy. The the Rock stars giving orders to the nation, they argue and tease an eventual disbanding.
-Maivia comes out...the place erupts....you know something...WCW may have MORE talent...but I'm willing to bet that the WWF has more OVER talent!!!
-The match is on....it's a VERY back and forth affair.
-The Rock performed a roll around DDT that he almost lost at the end, but Kane helped him pull it off, he followed it up with the People's Elbow that drove the house NUTS.
-well, he didn't exactly FOLLOW it up, but he got it in there eventually.
-oh yeah, the ref was knocked out....for a second, I thought that Kane and Maivia had joined WCW.
-Then that DAMNABLE Undertaker got into it, and beat up on Maivia..
-Then that ALSO DAMNABLE Mankind hit the ring with a Sledgehammer....and clocked Kane on the back with it.
-One thing led to yo' momma and Maivia pulled a genuine upset win over Kane. Ross was so excited his second chin actually vibrated so fast that it passed through his neck.
-UT stood over Kane, who was trying to sit up but had problems, then UT grabbed the mic and told Mankind to get his chunky ass in the ring tonight for one last blowout.
-commercials
-Mankind talked to Michael Kole, he had a Hell of a shiner on his eye and a bandaged hand from the sledgehammer attack perpetrated on him by Kane. He was also wearing his Dude Love T-shirt underneath his "corporate Mankind" work shirt. Mankind gave me a chuckle, as he is wont to do, when he said that he had been working on a few scientific moves as of late, and was looking forward to a bloody good row with the Undertaker...(I just can't help but use the word "bloody" nowadays...what is wrong with me?)
-Dustin Runnels was in the ring dressed in all BLACK....(AHA!! A Walking contradiction used to symbolize Dustin's eternal struggle between love and hate, good and evil, order and chaos, Goofus and Gallant, Marilyn Manson and Boyz 2 Men, Seinfeld and Dice Clay, Dave Scherer and anyone who wants to make themselves part of the show, Bob Ryder and any hint of emotion, Hyatte and Humor)
-Dustin welcomes us to hell....(Hell? he doesn't know what HELL is...try waking up in a Tijuana hotel room with a raging hangover, your head shaved, a "GAY PRIDE" tattoo on your chest, a bloody rectum, and some naked guy named Julio rifling through your wallet....now THAT'S HELL!!!!!!!). Dustin started to talk about how the WWF is "stained with vulgar language, aggression, and SEX" (Oh crap...of ALL the weeks to keep the Patterson jokes to one...DAMMIT)
-Dustin then looked at the camera and told Val Venis that "HE is coming, and when HE gets here, YOU will repent!"
-Perhaps by luck, perhaps by coincidence, or perhaps because the sound guy was cued...out comes Val Venis...Venis did a little thing, then debuted a clip from his new movie, called "The Preacher's Wife"
-On the TitanTron, we see Val Venis in the exact same bed and setting that he was in with Mrs. Yamaguchi San. Only this time, who's head should poke out from under the covers but...
-PATTERSON?????? OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!! VINCE HAS GONE TOO FAR NOW!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ IS VINCE TRYING TO DO???? EVEN I'M OFFENDED!!!!
-I know, I know....I know I promised only one Patterson joke this week...but come on.....I ran out of fresh material 9 months ago.....WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???
-So, of course...it was NOT Patterson under the covers, it was none other than MARLENA!!! She poked her head out and said, "Hi Dustin".
-The look on Dustin's face was priceless...nicely acted......Ross was just as shocked, gasping, "Oh my God!".
-Dustin fell to his knees with his fists buried in his face, Venis made a remark about how that position must run in his family.
-Well, it took a year, but Vince FINALLY got the Dustin/Marlena split thing going again.....the first try was with Brian Pillman. Not that I don't think that Pillman really minds having his angle ripped off. One would assume that he is currently frying bigger fish nowadays. (Personally, a part of me still thinks his death is a work, and one day he'll show up on RAW again and completely rock the wrestling world.)
-You do realize that Venis is the FACE and Dustin is the HEEL in this situation, right?
-commercials
-spot with Steven Regal.....chopping down a tree. So, the Blue Blood is now a Lumberjack......makes you want to cry.
-y'know, I ain't no FAG.....but that Regal is a very handsome man.
-X-Pac comes to the ring with Chyna and Triple H. Chyna is wearing sunglasses....obviously, Chyna got a little mouthy with Vince, so he brought in Ike Turner for some "attitude adjustment".
-Owen Hart came out with Mark Henry. It's a jam for the IC title. The crowd chants "NUGGET".
-It's a fairly long scrape, more methodical than action packed...then Chyna and Henry faced off outside.....Henry stuck out his tongue and gave me the douchechills like you wouldn't BELIEVE...(I wonder why?).
-X-Pac jumped on top of Henry, Henry flipped him off....all this distracted Owen....Owen turned back to HHH and it was all over after the Pedigree.
-Then Michael Kole tried to talk to Henry at the entrance way.....Henry grabbed the mic and sent Kole off to scour the neighborhood dumpsters for his kids' dinner. Henry challenged both X-Pac and Chyna to a handicapped match for later tonight.....DX agreed.
-shot backstage of Mankind filling up his dumpster with all sorts of crap...he was singing "HI HO, HI HO"
-I got a riddle for ya'.....how do you introduce yourself to a call girl?
-answer: HI HO! BA-DUM-DUM Thank you everybody, I'll be here all week, Two drink minimum and the kids get in for free!
-commercials
-Mankind comes out with a sledgehammer and a ladder. Teamsters had brought down the dumpster during the commercials.
-commercials
-The Undertaker comes out with a Sledgehammer and his brother. The second hour falls upon us even though it is roughly 10:07 in the PM. The fight is on...
-They spent most of the match outside. UT focused on wrecking Mankind's hand. The he threw Foley into a wooden table and it broke...(A WOODEN table? Oh Lord...KEVIN SULLIVAN IS NOW WORKING FOR THE WWF!!!!!!!! WHERE IS "MR REAL SCOOP" DAVE SCHERER TO REPORT ON ALL THIS?????)
-Oh..of course Sullivan is NOT working for the WWF...they just learned where he bought all those wooden chairs that he used to break over Benoit's head.
-By the way, Mankind broke the table, which broke right around his waist region...that didn't stop Ross from shrieking that his head broke it.
-By the way, $50 and my right nut says that table was pre-cut. It's okay though...if ANYONE deserves a pre-cut table...it's Mick Foley.
-UT took off Mankind's mask at one point
-Then Kane chokeslammed/pushed Mankind into the Time Keeper's table......UT almost hit him with the Sledgehammer right on the head, but Foley got out of the way.
-Back in the ring, Mankind tried to use a chair, but ended up getting chokeslammed, then Tombstoned on top of it.. UT picked up the sledgehammer to finish the job on the poor wanker.
-when all of the sudden, out from the dumpster jumped STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN TO SAVE THE DAY AND FOIL THE DEVIOUS PLANS OF MR. VINCE MCMAHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-When did Austin grow hair? Come to think of it...how did he get so tan too?
-Oh heck....it wasn't Austin...it was the ROCK!! The Rock jumped out of the dumpster, clipped UT, grabbed Foley, took him out of the ring and threw him over the railings. Then he marched away with the two kids chasing after him. As Ross screamed, "WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN HERE TONIGHT????" We storm off for some more...
-commercials
-Gangrel took on the Edge....it was about 5 minutes of hard action...then Gangrel gave Edge a Super DDT on the outside floor, then spit blood all over him and said, "The blood of Gangrel flows through your veins...eternity is forever Edge!"
-Isn't that how AIDS got started?
-commercials
-After slapping on some pancake makeup to hide her bruises, Chyna and X-Pac head to the ring to take on Mark Henry..(word is, right outside the entrance way Ike Turner was giving Henry some last minute advice, "Now if yo hand gets tired, you can always take off yo shoe! Now go get freaky deaky with the bitch!") D-Lo had joined Henry for his match.
-It took about 60 seconds before Jarrett and Southern Justice to show up.
-Chyna and X-pac gave Henry a double suplex that rocked the joint.
-Chyna came in...and the first thing she did was....
-SPEAR HIM!!! SHE SPEARED HENRY RIGHT OUT OF HIS SHOES!! F-YOU GOLDBERG!! F-YOU, F-YOU. F-YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-X-Pac gave Z-Smooth a busting bronco and rode his face in order to survive.....I...I...I better move on.
-It all ended when X-Pac went outside to deal with that pesky D-Lo....Chyna mounted the second ropes for a flying body block...Henry reversed it and powerslammed her for the win....watch how close his face was to her booby as he pinned her.
-we see Jacqueline brushing her hair and getting ready.
-Lady Jacqueline came to the ring with Marc Mero....meanwhile, guess who was currently ranting away on Nitro?
-Sable came to the ring...even though NOBODY was watching, they began the match anyway.
-This match VERY quickly turned into a "How many times can we glimpse Jacky's nipples?...the answer...FIVE F'K'N TIMES. Within a minute, she was too busy holding her arms over her chest to mount any offense. The fact that this took place EXACTLY AS FLAIR WAS GOING OFF ON BISCHOFF can NOT be a coincidence...this was as calculated as it gets.
-Sable won....Jackie might as well have taken off her top from the get go...because we saw it all. Then Sable took off her own nightgown just for the Hell of it....CLEAR THE BATHROOMS MOM AND DAD...JUNIOR HAS SOME BIZNESS TO TAKE CARE OF!!!!!! GIVE HIM ROOM, HE'S GONNA BLOW!!!!!!!
-Go ahead, tell me again how those Nitro Girl twits rule wrestling.
-By the way, the camera took a long, hard look at a woman sitting in the front row and looking upset....Ross didn't mention her.....I expect this to lead to something.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened.....including another shot of the Sable Bomb from a NEW ANGLE.....we had the BEST titty shot yet!!!! CLEAR A PATH MOM AND DAD!!!! JUNOIR HAS TO GET BACK IN THERE!!!!!!! HE "FORGOT" SOMETHING!!!!! (ahh to be 15-16 again...so full of energy...so full of steam....so full of come on Hyatte, strop screwing around here...let's finish this up.
-Ken Shamrock promises to put his foot up Austin's "zone"...or something like that.
-Shamrock hits the ring.....Ross tells us that there will be NO MORE...
-commercials
-..for the rest of the night....Ross also subliminally tells us that Goldberg is a faggoty ass pussy who is simple ripping off Austin for all he's worth......He tells us this SUBLIMINALLY......I heard him because of my enhanced senses...and my radar sense....because of the radioactive isotope that blinded me as a child. Now I write the Mop-Up by day and fight crime in Hell's Kitchen by night. And Kevin Smith is overrated too....F-YOU
-Austin hits the ring...the match is on, with Austin playing up more heelish than normal because Shamrock is suck a babyface.
-This thing went a while.....and stayed mostly in the ring! There were a few too many rest periods, but other than that...no complaints.
-After, oh...I'd say 7 minutes of this, Kane and the Undertaker showed up and attacked...
-Then the Rock and Mankind charge in to jam....
-Then Austin grabs a chair and whacks both those spawns of Dillenger, then chased after Vince...who showed up just because he had been working on his "I can't believe Austin is still breathing" look ALL day and he simply HAD to try it out on TV.
-With all this going on, Jim Ross hoarsely screamed, "MY GOD, THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE" then they went off the air.
What can I say? This was perhaps THE BEST RAW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was a pay per view quality show from top to bottom. Not a single squash on the books and not even a single clunker. They had two weeks off and MAN, they came out swinging. There's still a Nitro to plow through, including the return of...some guy....I forget his name....but it rhymes with "underwear"
Chris Hyatte
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