Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I have no idea what I'm doing...9/30/98 Mop-Up RAW "I bet you thought you were real funny making up all that fake news the other day. Do me a favor and don't ever pull that bulls**t again. When I read that all those people were coming back to the REAL wrestling league, I couldn't believe it. And then I saw your name at the bottom, you bastard. If I were Scoops, I'd fire your ass for misleading the public like that. You call yourself a reporter, but you're just some pathetic, WCW mark, a$$hole. You crossed the line." Elliott Minardi: leafreak@hotmail.com.. WCW mark? That's a new one. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. I take a week off and all sorts of stuff hits the fans. Jeeze, here I am, coming up with a great plan to post my own NEWS update on a Monday and look at what happens, heads explode all over the place!! Jeeze! I thought I'd take the opening notes to address a few of the other web guys who weighed in with their thoughts on this...among other things. Well, first off, Rick Scaia had this to say about my SCOOPMANIACS bit... "It wasn't funny to begin with, and it's even less funny now that I'm playing along." Sorry, but it WAS funny and he knows it...he'll never admit it though. He never struck me as having a sense of humor anyway. Maybe it's just me. But I really doubt it. Then his NWWWO buddies got into it. Well, two of them did anyway. Two of the lower tier guys. I don't have exact quotes, but what I do have is this... "Buph" called me "whiney" and "self pitying".......nice try, but try again. LOTS and adjectives could describe me. But whiney???? Self Pitying??? That dude is reeeeeeaching. And is that how you spell "whiney"? Isn't it "Whiny"? "Infoman" called me an "idiot who uses the same jokes over and over again instead of putting any thought or effort into his columns". Well, I have never denied the over and over part....I pretty much warn you before hand. So that isn't anything I can bitch about. As for putting thought or effort in my column? Dude...please. This guy really doesn't bother me....his web site is on GEOCITIES for Chrissakes!!! Now, How am I supposed to take a guy on GEOCITIES seriously? BJ Bethel said, "I guess since Hyatte can't figure out other ways to be a racist, and re-tell the old jokes again on the Nitro report, Al decided to give him a shot at the news for some reason" I never heard of the guy, but with a name like "BJ"...you'd think he would be a rather mellow dude. Some guy who's name I can't recall on RSPW called me, among other things, a "childish twit just begging for attention". Well DUUH...if you want people to read your stuff on the Internet, you better DAMN WELL ATTRACT ATTENTION!!!! YOU FUC*^%$# IDIOT!!!!! WHAT A DUMBASS!!!! If you don't want attention, then why are you writing anything in the first friggin' place? Douchebag! Speaking of wanting attention, the absolute FUNNIEST part of this whole thing came from none other than the "Parody Master from Canada", who posted letters from kids who speculated that Al let me write the news because they were "really getting to him"!!! I can't believe the guy STILL thinks Al is concerned about him. You are a non factor bro', get over it. Besides, that "several page spazzfest about STC" that I wrote about him chased him off the net for 6 months. HE may want to forget about that little tidbit, but I haven't, and neither have the readers. Now go post this up in your letters and have something cute to say about....and make sure the response paints you as the scrappy innocent fighting against the "Evil Empire" that is SCOOPS...and do some more "Pussy Rants"...cause they are really, really funny. All right Gosh darn it all to heckfire!! Thus endeth the "response to all the friggin' dweebs" portion of the column. Now it's time to get to things. Last week may have been the WORST POSSIBLE week to take a break.....but what's done is done....so let's just sit back, relax, and get ready for the COMEDY TRAIN THAT'S ROLLING IN!!!! CHOO- CHOOOOO.....CHOOO CHOOOOOOOO ALL ABOARD FOR LAUGHS!!!! NEXT STOP: CHUCKLESVILLE!!!!!..........oh God.....somebody shoot me in the balls right now......I may be the biggest dweeb of them all.....God Help me. RAW IS WAR (or DIE SHANE!!! DIE!!!!) -Note: Shane McMahon had NOTHING to do with this week's show....but let's face it...it STILL APPLIES!!! -Note deux: What is the worst case of nepotism? Shane having a job or Beefcake having a job? I know, I know...Beefcake isn't related to Hogan..but still. -Opens with one of those ultra cool videos dealing with the dreaded "Master Plan". -Apparently, the WWF has now dubbed the opening theme as "uncool", so the went right to the arena filled with signs and.... -breaking glass as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's theme music played. The crowd popped on command like the Pavlovian Dogs that they are. -Out comes a posse of police officers....... -...police officers?? -...POLICE OFFICERS!!!!!!!! -OH MY GOD!!!!! VINCE HAS SIGNED GOLDBERG!!! HE'S GONNA COME OUT AND DUMP THE WCW WORLD TITLE IN THE GARBAGE!!!!! IT'S THE MASTER STROKE OF THE CENTURY!!! F-YOU BISCHOFF, F-YOU AND YOUR STORE-BOUGHT HAIR ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Jesus Hyatte....it's too early for this isn't it? -starting over...out comes a gaggle of police officers (HOLY SMOKES.....GOLDBERG IS.....oh sh*t...nevermind), who led out Gerald Brisco, Commissioner Slaughter, the EVER effervescent Pat Patterson (sporting his new Fall hair color...."Autumn Sunset" and of course, Vincent K.(Shane is the heir to the Toupee Collection) McMahon, who had the WWF title draped over his shoulder. -Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome us to the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit...(On instinct, I check to make sure I still have my wallet). -Before hitting el ringo (the squared circle, not the Beatle), Vince took the time to get an earful from a group of ringside fans. -In the ring, Slaughter holds up two thumbs ands says, "You the man" to Vince. Patterson raises his arms and then bends down to touch his toes......the cops who were behind him were NOT amused (oooh you have to be a REAL man to be a DETROIT COP BABY!!! No Streisand lovers there!!!!!!!!). -Then Pat actually held out his arms and FELL TO HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF VINCE MCMAHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ladies and Gentlemen......I truly believe that Mr. Pat Patterson is on the verge of a nervous breakdown of EPIC proportions!!!!!!! The man is CRACKING UP!!!!! -Then again, he always "cracks up".....right around 30 minutes after the bars close. -aw geeze..that was mean...even for me. I'm sorry "bout that. I take it ALL back. In fact, I'll make it the LAST PATTERSON REMARK EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So heat up those printers kids.... -Vince grabs the mic and Pat grabs his croooooOOOHHH......excuse me, nevermind...sorry. -I'm not transribing this.....F-You...it was too long. Basically, Vince guaranteed that Austin will get a rematch by guaranteeing that there will be no rematch for Austin. -Then Vince degreed tonight as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin Night (Hey, Goldberg gets all those cool religious holidays off....why bloody NOT?) and had another gaggle of Detroit's finest ready to greet him outside. -Vince continued on about how he would award a brand spanking new WWF title to a brand spanking new WWF champion, (who will be allowed to give Patterson a new brand spanki...WHOA...JEEZUS....SORRY..sorry). Because this old/stillkindanew belt of Austin's had an ugly snake on it. Vince said that he'll taker this crap belt and place it over his fireplace in one of his homes. -Finally, Vince had Slaughter wrap the title around his waist...(DAMN IT.......CAN'T.....FIGHT.......MUST.........STOP....MYSELF......) -Then Vince stood on the second corner ropes and pumped his fist in the air.....which allowed Patterson to mosey on up behind him and pump HIS fist into (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) me some slack would ya?..I'M ONLY HUMAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!! -Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler talk up the night's events...a rambunctious fans runs up behind them with a head and starts....well......frreaking out. Then a security guard yanks the kid away. apparently, the head he was holding was REAL!!!!!!! (I told you..Detroit is not for the weak at heart). -Out comes Road Dog and Bad Ass to their usual pop. Roady Doggy made me PHYSICALLY FRICKIN' SICK by referring to himself as the "Dizzog" (Oh God...now the chat rooms will be LOADED with geniuses naming themselves the "Dizzog"...and they'll be screaming, "DIZZOGS IN DA HIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOUUUUUUUSE"......Ugh.....faggots. -Bad Ass made sure the camera took a gander at his pecker.......Dustin is MUCH bigger. -Road Dog did his thing, Bad Ass did his...and the crowd ate it up -I would just like to say that I was the VERY FIRST WEB GUY to see major potential in this team.....I saw it almost a YEAR or so ago when they first teamed up.....so F-YOU!!!!!!!!!! -Jerry Lawler promised "a few choice words" for Jim Carrey...but first we would have to bite our nails in WILD anticipation as they pawned us off on a couple of well meaning.... -commercials -Okay, they were back and Lawler had the mic...he cleared his throat and said that Jim Carrey BITCHSLAPPED HIM AND SCREWED HIS 16 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!!!! LAWLER ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BE TAKEN TO SCHOOL BY A 100 POUND ACTOR AND HAD THE LIVING POOP KICKED OUT OF HIM!!!!!!!!!! -I can't believe it...Lawler just admitted to be de-balled on live TV.....I...I...I'm crushed.....it's is my sad duty to inform you that the KING IS DEAD!!!!! -actually, Lawler tickled our asses with a feather and said that he'll tell what happened when Carrey is there live......what a rip off...I SPENT $30 ON A PPV FOR NOTHING!!!!!!! SCREW IT!!! I'M WATCHING NITRO TONIGHT!!!!! -I flip to Nitro...I see Bulldog telling Alex Wright to "suck it". I quickly decide that RAW is the lesser of two enemas and flip right back. -The New Age Outlaws are taking on Southern Justice in a TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH THAT WILL CHANGE THE COURSE OF PRO WRESTLING AS WE KNOW IT AND CAUSE THE COSMOS TO FOLD UNTO ITSELF MAKING DEEP SPACE TRAVEL POSSIBLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN RECORDED HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!! -Whoops, flipped to Nitro again by accident.....that was Schiavone talking about Hogan vs Hart -So, as with all matches dealing with those bloody hillbillies, time is better spent picking my toenails..... -Road Dog hit one of the Inbreds with a guitar just as Billy Gunn was about to pin him.....Bad Ass was quite pissed and shoved him twice. -X-Pac came in to explain that this dissension NEVER happened when HE was in the NWO (How many people thin that if Syxx stayed with WCW right now, Bischoff would have stuck him in with Raven? And then Raven would have stuck him in "other ways"?) -Bad Ass accidentally clipped X-Pac in the eye....X-Pac went down harder than "The Avengers".....but not as fast. -Gunn left the ring, was met by Triple H in a wheelchair and Chyna...he blew them off too. Everyone was asking, "Why Bad Ass? Why? As JR shuttled us to a set of... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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