Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

I am the little engine that can't...9/30/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Why Bad Ass?? Why?........has it ever dawned on you just how phenomenally STUPID this business can be? -Ohh Sweet Lordy...Dan "The Beast" Severn made his way to the ring for a wild throwdown before hitting the road for a club gig with his Queen tribute band. This is gonna be a special "Submission Match" against Owen Hart. -BUT FIRST.....Michael Cole was outside DX's locker room door.....lots of banging and yelling can be heard from within. Kole pussied out and took off. -Owen Hart came out. Severn took his towel off and feigned throwing it (a little F-YOU from Summerslam for you attention deficit, MTV, white boy wannabe black rappers out there....yo, yo, yo...what the dillio? Gettin all up in dat jiggy in da hizzouse! Word) -So, the match progressed as followed: Even though Hart worked last night while Severn was lazing on a Sunday afternoon, neither man showed any signs of rust or exhaustion. Severn hit Owen with a quick belly to belly which showed Owen that it is a hard life. Severn was a man on the prowl as he gave Owen a bohemian rhapsody of forearm punches....Owen tried to block. Owen put Severn in a sleeper which he dedicated to...... uhh, no one, but Severn was a hammer to fall on Owen time in and time out. Indeed, a running powerslam from Severn showed that he was definitely death on two legs. Owen responded with a spinning kick to tear it up, but Danny boy had plans to bend this seaside rendezvous with that choke sleeper of his. Suddenly, Owen flipped over the sleeper, picked up Severn like a sweet lady and have him a reverse piledriver....... -and then the match sort of stopped.... -Owen didn't pin Severn, instead he just watched him as Danny said that he couldn't move. He was paralyzed. Ross made it clear to the backstage that he was in trouble. Owen looked scared......Ross solemnly took us to some... -commercials -a somber JR and a kayfabe breaking Lawler offered their sincere condolences and best wishes to Severn as he was stretchered into an ambulance. Owen was nowhere to be seen. Jim Ross mumbled on about going on with the show as... -wait a second.....one question...sure, millions of us fans were disappointed, but what about those HUNDREDS OF DETROIT FANS WHO PAID GOOD MONEY TO SEE SEVERN PERFORM WITH HIS TRIBUTE BAND???? LOCK UP YOUR HOUSES DETROIT "CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE A CITYWIDE RIOT TONIGHT!!!!!! -Oh please...when was the last time you saw a neck injury be rushed from the ring to a stretcher to an ambulance in the space of one commercial break???? Hell, Buff Bagwells' fake injury ate up a good 10 PPV minutes!!!!!!! Think about it! -BUT..should Severn really be hurt, then I apologize for the above comments and hope for a speedy recovery......and I am totally serious. -Bob Ryder is a boring old fart who everybody knows is a WCW mark......and I am totally serious too. -Vader came out with Commissioner Slaughter. Vader took on Al Snow....Al Snow won and his pop is building slowly but surely. Vader lost...again........makes you want to cry don't it? -we see a pissed Billy Gunn storm away with his travel bags to his car....COULD THIS BE THE END OF DEGENERATION X AS WE KNOW IT???????????? FIND OUT IN THE WEEKS AHEAD!!!!!!!! (ugh...you know, I could happily drink Bleach right now) -commercials -nonsense with Gangrel and Edge from some show that I did not see. -Speaking of Mr. Edge...he is coming to the ring to take on Gangrel, D-Lo, Mero, Jarrett, and Droz in a 6 man four corners elimination brohaha that would determine who gets first dibs at that European belt....even though it almost NEVER gets defended in Europe. -Edge quickly gets rid of Gangrel...or "Corky"...as I like to call him. -D-Lo nailed Edge....then screamed that the Edge better"recognize"...(Recognize? Recognize what? Recognize all the gimmicks Edge is shamelessly RIPPING OFF????) -D-Lo asked the fans "WHO SUCKS NOW??" The fans answered, "YOU DO".....that's a new one on me. -I don't care WHAT you say...the WWF has done a GREAT job with their young talent as of late. Even Jarrett, who is a ripe young 30, is starting to see results from his recent re-re-overhaul. -Jarrett and Droz were counted out because neither one of them wanted to job tonight. -Mero tried to hit the Edge with the "Marvelocity"...but D-Lo shook the ropes until he crotched himself. One thing led to yo momma and Mero was gone. -Edge and D-Lo lasted as long as THESE TWO MORTAL COMBATANTS COULD POSSIBLY GO UNDER THE HOT LIGHTS AND THE UNBEARABLE PRESSURE OF BEING IN THE BIG TIMEKNOWN AS THE WWF!!!!! -Translation: Gangrel and that guy who looks like the lead singer from Poison distracted Edge and D-Lo won the match. -commercials -the second hour arrives with all the force of a....a.....oh who gives a fu&% -Those cops are back, as is Brisco, Slaughter, Mr. Patrick Patterson, and of course, Vincent K. (Hurricane Georges? HA!!! I laugh at thee!! Come on..try to take it off...COME ON!!!! TRY IT!!!!!!) McMahon make there way to the ring for a little new champion crowning and young stud pantsing. Vince poses for a picture for a young whippersnapper who was yelling bloody murder at him an hour ago......fickle little turd. -Vince goes through some ceremony....then calls out the Undertaker. -UT comes out...it takes a while -Then Vince calls out Kane -Kane comes out, hits the ring...raises his arms.....drops them violently..the lights dim.... -and nothing happens...zilch, zippo, nada.... -Ross covers ass by saying that since the fire came from KANE'S OTHERWORLDY POWER!!!!!!!!!!!! Then he must have been playing mind games. -Of course, the truth is that Vince was a little late with his "donation" to the Teamster's Women and Infants "charity fund"........oh yes my children...you must not fornicate with the Teamsters....lest you don't like your legs straight and your pyro tech up to snuff. -With all the players in the ring......Vince got into the speech again...when suddenly.... -Austin is seen outside driving a Zamboni Machine right through a fence, and right past some scurrying policemen...(why didn't they just start shooting? A Zamboni is a LETHAL WEAPON!!!! Draw your guns and POP A CAP IN AUSTIN'S ASS!!!!! Bischoff would have gave you a high paying job! Hell, Bischoff would have given you his daughter!!!!) -Austin barrels into something...and the sound gives ou......... -...................... - - - - - nd THAT'S how you can get any woman on the planet to sleep with you. I can't believe I waited this long to finally reveal that.. -The audio kicked back in...well, not really..they just played the live transmission instead of the delayed transmission....so what you HEAR was live, but what you SEE was delayed 7-10 seconds -Austin drove the thing into the arena, and up the aisle.....Ross went into his standard "STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD!!!!!!!!" rant. -The Zamboni bumpoed into the ring and moved the damn thing a damn 2 inches. Austin lept on top of it and tackled Vince in a great shot. A fan tossed in an Austin blow up doll(must'a been Patterson's marketing brilliance hard at work there....emphasis on "hard") -Detroit's Finest jumped on Austin and whipped out the cuffs.....Patterson tried to get all up in that action.....and like I said, the DPD was NOT playin' that!!! -It was quite a sight watching this pileup......and I'll say this much....Austiin is MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING when he ISN'T THE CHAMP. -They jammed Austin in the squad car...Vince followed them and made frequent use of the words "son of a bitch" and his middle finger....the audio kicked back on to delayed time, so everything was properly in synch. -Austin was hauled off to the pokey...and possibly into the loving arms of my old friend...Z-Smooth......ugggghhh...I.....I....I shouldn't have went there.....I....oh no....I need a time out...ho...hold on. -.................... -..................... -....................... -......................... -commercials -footage of the action we just witnessed -If Bischoff was running this show, we would have had to waited until next week or so to find out who the new champ was...but Bischoff ain't running the show...Vince is..and Vince has a PPV to hype in a scant three weeks....with that in mind... -"taker,"ane, and 'ince were back in the ring. Vince mentioned being so "rudely interrupted" by that no good ratings grabbed Austin, then got into it. -Y'see...the deal was that Kane and UT was supposed to "watch Vince's back", and even though there is a Patterson joke just SCREAMING to get in there...I will show the restraint that I always seem to find this late into the recap and ignore it. -Anywhoo.....Kane and UT were supposed to keep Austin away from Vince...which they failed at three times...so since they didn't live up to the deal...Vince said that "I'm not gonna live up to MIIIIIIIIIIINE!" Thus, Kane and the UT will have to FIGHT for the WWF title at the very next PPV (in just 3 SHORT WEEKS!!! Kids, F your parents permission and order it NOW!!!!!!!). Oh yes, just for the Hell of it, and to get him on the card without having to wrestle...let's make Steve Austin the guest ref...just to mess with his head too. -BUT...Vince is a benevolent soul and knows a good quarterly ratings spike when he sees one...he decided to make UT and Kane team up in a handicap match against Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and the Rock later on tonight. (Show of hands, how many people think that Vince booked that as soon as he heard that Hogan was fighting Hart tonight?? Put your hand down Scherer...I can't see you....moron. -Then McMahon called Kane a freak and the UT a retard....or was it the other way around? He didn't use those words EXACTLY...but F-It. -Upon being called a freak and a retard, Kane and UT cornered Vince. UT told Vince that they were NOT Handicapped...they were handicapable (I heard that line used on Diff'rent Strokes decades ago...I've been waiting ALL THIS time for the right moment to use it).and if Vince calls them that again.....there will be heck to pay. -UT and Kane turned around and Vince gave them the double middle finger...UT caught him doing it...the beat down began. -Then UT started to wrench, bend, and twist the knee...in that order too. Brisco charged...Patterson was backstage putting his pants back on before he could get out there. -Then UT dropped the steel steps on Vince's leg. The steps hit everything BUT the leg, but that didn't stop Ross from screaming "OH MY GOD" in triplicate. By the way, Patterson arrived in time to say a silent prayer of thanks that the leg was the ONLY appendage that was.......well, you get the idea. -UT and Kane walked off...Vince was lying on the ground, Ross wondered just what else could possibly happen here? -commercials -Vince is being stretchered backstage...someone is offering him a cup of liquid to sip from a straw, Vince is kicking at that person in rage. Brisco is making sure Vince's piece is kept straight. -Chyna comes to the ring as guest ref. Faarooq is already in the ring. -We see Chyna tune on Mark Henry from the other night. -Henry hits the ring, waggling his tongue at the young lassy. The match is on... -Henry had Faarooq beat inside seconds, Chyna chose to crotch him....Farrooq scored the defacto pin. Afterwards someone sneaks into the ring and hands Chyna an envelope (Ross was good enough to tell us idiots that it was a process server). She opens it, reads it, makes a face, and tosses it away...(Oh Dear God...if it's a court order for a DNA test...there may be some MIGHTY BIG CHANGES blowing our way!!!!!!) -Back again with Vince who was still being loaded into an ambulance...the guy who was offering him a beverage was none other than Mankind...God Bless him. -commercials -Michael Cole talked to Ken Shamrock....Shamrock hates Detroit, hates what happened to him at the PPV, hates UT, hates Kane, hates the Rock, hates Mankind, hates the chair that Mankind used on him, and hates all things that a guy who is well on his way to a heel turn hates. -commercials -Steve Regal is now a Lumberjack.......as the promo says -The Oddities took on, and ultimately defeated the Headbangers....the Insane Clown Posse showed up for a brief rap and to trip up one of them...I'm sorry..but I have no clown luv. -Michael Cole tried his luck with the Rock..the Rock shoved him out of camera range and had this to say.... "Listen the fact of the matter is this, the Rock did exactly what he said he was going to do when he walked into Breakdown last night! he walked into the People's Cage, he flexed the People's Eyebrow, he dropped the double People's Elbow, and he planted some poor jabroni with the Rock Bottom. So now tonight, the Rock has go into the damn People's ring, with the same two jabronies who the Rock beat last night as his partners! but that's okay, because the rock is now the number one contender for the WWF title, but make no mistake about it, the Rock could care less about being the number one contender for the world title, because whether you like it, whether this piece of trash over here likes it, whether this big fat female pig over here likes it, the fact of the matter is this: there ain't nothing, and the Rock means NOTHING, that could ever compare to being the People's Champion." -then he raised his eyebrow and ended the segment -for lack of a better description...we see Terri Runnels giving Val Venis the "People's Blowj*b" -commercials -Val Venis comes to the ring with Terri Runnels....the "Gropefest" they displayed on the PPV was noticeably tamer this time......and bloody well GOOD!!!! Venis had the mic and made the women craaaaazy with his unique brand of charm, wit, and sexual innuendo...as well as his huge pecker. -X-Pac came to the ring with tape over his eye...(little punk..who does he think he is?? RIGGS??? GOLDBERG?????? wait a second...his last name is "Waltman"....I guess it's possible) -X-Pac lost his eyepatch, but put up a game fight. Lots of speed and action. Venis owned for a while.... -Then Terri tripped up X-Pac -then Chyna showed up and pushed down Terri -Then Venis got in Chyna's face...(Lordy..what I wouldn't pay to see THAT porno...if only for the scientific fascination factor) -Eventually, X-Pac and Chyna licked Venis some until Paccer was DQed......the DX kids left. -Venis and Terri were in the ring, doing stuff that's illegal in 39 states and at Dave Scherer's house.... -all of the sudden....the TitanTron lit up and the music blasted...the GOLDUST music by God. -The TitanTron said that this was a Shattered Dreams production..then we saw footage of Goldust from the past. -A voice said, "Hey Val, I told you he was coming back....fhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" -Ross screamed that the crowd was EXPLODING....I have to admit..it was pretty darn loud. -Then gold glitter (or, dare I say it..Gold DUST???) littered the ground.... -Such is the bitter, bitter irony of Dustin Runnel's life....a tough Texan with strong wrestling roots and a dad who coined the term "Bunkhouse Brawl" can ONLY get heat when he dresses like an ambigious fag.......alas.....alas. -of course, even I marked out over this...this outta be a HOOT. -Cole talked to Mankind, to wit: "Well two things became apparent after Breakdown! Number one: Mankind swings a mighty chair and you can ask Ken Shamrock about that. Number two: in the 100 plus years of wrestling's existence, last night's People's Elbow was the worst move I've ever seen! But I'm not about to let the fact that I hit a Mark McGuire impression with Ken Shamrock's head, or the fact that I split the People's Eyebrow worse than Bill and Hillary Clinton's marriage Inaguration day January 2001, stand in the way of tonight's match with Undertaker and Kane! I'm looking for our friendship and mutual respect to more than overcome Kane and Undertaker's prowess and geometric knowledge and it will be a nice day!" -great stuff....of course -Kane and the UT are seen stomping around backstage -commercials -out comes Shamrock..... -out comes Mankind.....they immediately brawl for a while... -Then the Rock comes out...you know...in about a year or so...people will be talking about "Breakdown" as the Rock's own personal "3:16". Just like KOTR from 3 years ago started Austin's ball rolling, last night was when the Rock became the main event player. AND THE SONAFABITCH HAS ONLY BEEN WRESTLING FOR TWO YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Think about it..Goldberg has been wrestling for one year....Rock has been at it only one year longer..and HE has never been accused of ripping someone off. -So...Rock hits the ring and starts brawling with Shamrock and Mankind....it's a triple threat match all over again... -UT and Kane hit the ring and it's on.... -It turns into a genuine tag team match....who'da thunk it? -Mankind was in there the longest, and took the biggest beating...which was still rather tame for him. -Rock tagged in and gave a quick People's Elbow on Kane to please the fans. -In a HUGE moment of total KAYFABE BREAKING.....after about ten minutes of commercial free action (as Jimbo so happily pointed out...either before or after he happily pointed out that there were no "bald 45 year old playing air guitar" in this match), the ref clearly told everyone "35 SECONDS, 35 SECONDS!! LET'S GO!!!" (it occured right after Shamrock grabbed UT in the AnkleLock...for you anal retentive hacks who need to track EVERYTHING). -So, with the cue to end things given, the Rock ended up nailing the UT with the Rock Bottom and SCORING THE UPSET WIN!!!!!!! (Oh trust me..it was an UPSET BABY) -With Kane and the UT arguing with each other..Ross had enough time to scream, "MY GOD!! THE CARNAGE!!!!!!" before... -the show ended. Oh dudes....(and dudettes)...let's face it....ANY RAW which has Austin get sent to jail is always a good RAW!!! And BY THE F'K'N WAY...for those who STILL think that the WWF is a one pony show..with that pony being a bald Texan who used to have flowing blonde hair? Well guess what? Austin was on tonight's show for ten minutes...tops. Ten minutes, and the rest of the show was purty darn good without him. Of course, the WWF would probably sink like a lead fart if he ever jumped ship...but still food for thought. By the way..no HHH and no Shawn Michaels either...looks like that talent depth is a WEE bit deeper than everyone tends to scream about. I've had enough of the WWF, let's see what a 3 hour Nitro can serve us? Whatever it does give us, you can bet that Schiavone will have no problem selling the SH*T out of it until we try to poke our eardrums out with a screwdriver. Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 12