Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

You MUST read the Raw recap first...10/7/98 Mop-Up Nitro Seeing how I had a chunky ass opener and an even CHUNKIER ASSED closer..let's just dive right into the mush and try not to drown in it's moronic silliness. Try not to drown in MY moronic silliness either..... NITRO (or Pansy ass MAMA'S BOY!!!!!!!!) -opens with a dramatic retelling of last week's spine tingling Bret Hart double crossing of Sting. Told over haunting classical music that and edited for maximum excitement. It's purpose was to show that EVERY SINGLE SECOND of WCW TV is groundbreaking lore. Did I feed my dog yet? -In case the video spot didn't get the point into our brains, Tony opens the mic and bellows that "IT WILL GO DOWN AS ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING MOMENTS IN MONDAY NITRO HISTORY!!!!!" Then called TNT/WCW the "Leader in Pro Wrestling!!!!" Then claimed that we, as a collective group, knew that already. -The Nitro Girls ARE the most gorgeous girls on cable TV.....unless the "Facts of Life" is still playing in reruns somewhere. -Tony promises us a hot off the press UPDATE on Halloween Havoc....and EXCLUSIVE REPORT DESIGNED TO SET THE WRESTLING COMMUNITY INTO A TAILSPIN!!!!! -The they played that cartoonish spot, where the boogie man pops out of the pumpkins and the "forgotten soul released from the shadows" to "awaken the evils within"....(HALT...I SAY HALT THE PRESSES!!!!!!) -Oh yeah, and someone was laughing too.....it's either the Sandman or Chucky.....neither option is making me flee to the phone to order the thing. -Tony officially welcomes us to Columbia, South Carolina. Columbia? Isn't that where all the drug Czars hang out and kill judges? IS PABLO ESCOBAR IN THE AUDIENCE??????? He'd be the one dressed in drag. -Tony also does a little poetic jam and says, "There ain't nothin' fina' then bein' in Carolina"....I on the other hand, prefer the old fable, "Oh there ain't nothin' fina' then sticking it in her va(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) -First hour fireworks welcome us, Tony promises to announce a match that will "knock our socks off, and a good chunk of our feet and toes." -Tony (jeeze) and the boys say Hello, Larry goes frolic with the fans. These three guys look like the blandest trio to ever grace the television screen. Christ, I've seen more personality in a Funeral Parlor.....more sex appeal too (let's not read anymore into that one kids, shall we? -Footage from Nitro way back in August where Piper gave Bret the pep talk that most assuredly turned him back into a heel. (Hell, after listening to Piper rant on about the loving fans, even I turned heel and kicked my Grandmother in her hip....old bag) -More Piper crap....now I want to work on her other hip....and stick bestiality pictures throughout her new "Reader's Digest" -MORE footage, now from when Hart and Hogan teased a breakup for the first time. -Tony voices over that TONIGHT...Bret Hart and Sting will battle for the US heavyweight title in the main vent match to end ALL main event matches and which is destined to CROSS THE BARRIERS OF TIME AND SPACE AND AWASH THE MASSES IN THE BOUNDLESS GLORY OF.....Of......of....ahhh....he didn't try to sell it THAT hard. -commercials (Note: if your keeping score, the first segment of Nitro was entirely composed of video clips) -Spot for the WCW Credit Card....9 out of every ten Vegas Whorehouses accept them (Marshall tested them ALL out....some TWICE) -opening theme -We're welcomed back. Tony dared to say (his words too) that tonight will hold one of the most HEATED RIVALRIES SINCE TIME OUT OF MIND...even though they have only been feuding for a week or so.....Bret Hart vs. Sting. -Lizmark Jr. came to the ring. Saturn followed suit. The one who is closer to uranus won. -another Halloween Havoc spot....(Uh oh...SOMEBODY must have seen the PPV returns for Fall Brawl). -On the Road with Lee Marshall and a trunkfull of Snickers.....he's coming to Chicago for next week's Nitro...hide your women Chi-Town, Marshall's coming, and he's hopped up on Chocolate.....better hide your kids too. -Chicago next week huh? I guess I better start heating up my "Mancow SUCKS" material again. -commercials -ANOTHER spot for Halloween Havoc -The Nitro Girls make Tony stutter mid hype....he's a lonely, lonely man. -Tenay wakes up to the fact that tonight's main event will also FINALLY ask the question, "Why are we watching this crap?" -No, no...of course not...EVERY Nitro is THE Nitro to watch...don't you know that? No, the REAL question Tenay posed was, "The Scorpion DeathLock vs. the Sharpshooter...which is the better hold?" (personally..I prefer the Vulcan Death Grip...because it makes the victim's face twist into a hideous grimace....or was that my face twisting when I caught a glance at Shatner acting?) -Kaz Hayashi (bless you) comes to the ring with Sonny Ono...whom they FINALLY stopped having him take pictures of his wrestlers, which is an UNFAIR STEREOTYPE THAT I REFUSE TO BE A PARTY TO OR SUPPORT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!!! -The two then hit the ring and ate their pre-match bowl of noodles, complete with chopsticks (sigh). -Ernest Miller then came out . I think I figured out the whole problem with him...even when he's doing his hilarious "I am HEEL, hear me RAW" act..he NEVER sounds authentic....to me, he ALWAYS sounds and acts like he is trying HARD not to mess up the script. -Without knowing it, Tony made an ass of himself for the first time tonight when he said, "The three fingers up means three time Karate champion, that we've heard ad naseum. Over and over and over, and over again; and I'd venture to say that we will hear it again!!"....I wonder if Tony even REALIZES that he is about 9 times as guilty as Miller in that regard? I wonder if Tony realizes that I am about THIS CLOSE to putting a bounty on his daughter's pinkie finger if he doesn't SHUT THE FU&# UP!!!!!!!!!!! -So....Miller tells us to "shut up", then informs "Jackie Chan" to bail out in 5 seconds or the fit is gonna hit the shan.....Tony dumbly informs us ignorant cattle that Jackie Chan is NOT in the ring right now. Thank you Tony. -Miller gave the fans a quickie crotch chop behind the camera's eye. Thought you would like to know that. -Tony took a break from calling the action (my, how rare, and said that coming up later on was one of the MOST IMPORTANT.......MOST VOLATILE......US TITLE BELTS WE'VE HAD EVER!!!!!!!! ON NITRO, ON PPV, ON THUNDER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT, ON WORLDWIDE, ON ANYWHERE!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (LIES I SAY!!!! I saw One Man Gang defend the US belt on Worldwide many moons ago against Tim Horner that STILL has me questioning my religion and the existence of GOD!!!!!!) -The one getting the push won...then he grabbed the mic.....then Sonny Ono became his manager......sort of. -A Nitro party involving SEVERAL male kids with no shirts on.........Patterson saw this and officially gave birth. (Note: I promised to Patterson jokes on the RAW Mop-Up...I didn't say a friggin' thing about the NITRO recap....f-you) -commercials -Goldberg vs. Page spot.....we have to stare at this for the next 20 days. -Jerry Flynn comes out...wondering why he has to wear that Karate uniform if Miller is getting the Karate push. -Then Juventud Guerrera comes out, and didn't ask you was going to "Get the Jews"(WELL...thank GOD he smartened up) -Then Disco Inferno raided the announcers booth and booted out Tenay...Tenay barely left camera range before digging for his flask. DINF called Guerrera "Juvenstooge" and proceeded to sell whatever upcoming match that they have coming up before he is sent packing back to Jobberville USA (5 minutes South of Atlanta). The Mayor is none other than the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!! (or "Jackie" to his friends...and Sean Shannon). -So, DINF argued with Tony about his weight and Juvee wrestled his brains out. Then he got the pinfall. Juvee kept his yap shut about the Jews too.....thank God -It's been 4 whole minutes since we had a... -spot for Page/Goldberg -so of course...t'was time for another one. -In a pre-taped bit...a pre-Rum and Coke Tenay talked to the fans who promised NOT to scream "AUSTIN RULES". Tenay has THE most false, insincere, just give me a paycheck, smiles in the HISTORY of television broadcasting. -commercials -Bobby Heenan joined the fun EARLY. Zbyszko stayed put. Tony stayed put too. The lush was gone. They chatted up Hogan vs. Warrior in the most eagerly awaited rematch since Goliath went after David after getting bitchslapped (y'see..the Bible doesn't tell you EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!! There's always MORE to the story!!!!!!!). -Video spot for Hogan and the Warrior......I smell desperation under Bischoff's $500 cologne. -Wrath came out to face........Oh dear Lord no -omygodomygodomygodomygodomygodomygodomy -they're back.......THEY'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The GROUNDS OF AMERICAN CAPITALISM ARE CURRENTLY SHAKING DOWN TO THEIR FOUNDATIONS!!!!!!! THE VILLANOS ARE ONCE AGAIN STATESIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The Familia is BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and what better place than Columbia??) South Carolina...I IMPLORE YOU!!!! BOARD UP YOUR HOUSES AND STAY INDOORS!!!!! THE FAMILIA IS THERE....FOR CHRISSAKES, HIDE!!!!! -I don't know why he is there, I don't know how he got past my sources....but VILLANO V (The Gatekeeper) has been stationed by his "Papa", the infamous Villano I (The Godfather) for some purpose. I can tell you only this: They were away on "business", mostly consisting of dealing with...umm....."former business associates" who decided to turn against the Cartel and venture out on their own (Rey Mysterio Jr had his very own Guerrilla unit to try to liberate the peasants from the Iron Grasp of the Familia....the end result cost Rey a testicle and two ribs......and one kidney). Since then, I heard they were strengthening their overseas powerbase (How do YOU think the Middle east got Nuclear capabilities??? Think they have Plutonium just LYING AROUND????? GET YOUR FRIGGIN' HEADS OUT OF THE SAND PEOPLE!!!!!!!! Obviously, the Godfather wanted to return to the states.......and I fear the reason why. -Wrath won in about two seconds.....but there will be a day of reckoning for Wrath...y'see....at home, watching V get squashed was none other than VILLANO XXIV(The Rectal Extractor)...and he has plans for Mr. Adam Bomb....oh yes....he has plans.....dear God....it's starting again. -By my calculations....I'd wager that 60% of you know what the Hell I'm talking about, 40% have no friggin clue. I'd also wager that 50% of the 60% are cheering right now, and the rest of you are thinking that this is the most retarded crap you have ever read and are currently agreeing with Sean Shannon about me. -ANOTHER GODDAMN spot for Hogan vs. Warrior (is this supposed to keep us away from RAW?) -Another pre-taped spot with a slightly less pre-liquor Tenay. This time round, he talked to a black gentleman who had a female hand feel up and down his chest during his soundbite. Did I mention that the female hand was WHITE????? You GO BOYEEEE!!!!!!! -commercials -A HumVee Limousine pulled up and out came the Wolfpac. Another name for a HumVee is a "Hummer" Oh baby...it's been too long since I got into a nice, long Hummer.......oooo yeah.....a beautiful Hummer.....humming as she went.....blowing cool or hot air (depending on the weather of course).....powerful traction that can take ALL the bumps....oh man...I do like those Hummers......man alive. Automatic so you don't have to adjust your stick......oh man.......just cruising in a Hummer....oh....oh.....yeeeahhhh -eww....what the fu&% just happened? Why are my pants we......oh crap...be back in a second..... -..................... -........................ -............................ -............................. -Anywhoo..out comes the Wolfpac, and they looked MAD! They immediately start looking for something....and they're looking all around... -and looking past a gaggle of Luchadors (who were probably discussing the return of VILLANO V as well) -and looking through doors... -and down long hallways... -and quick turn arounds make them bump into each other like Keystone cops...D'OH -Then they walk into a dressing room and start to jam with the NWO B-Team...Stevie Ray, and Norton, and Bagwell, and Steiner, and Norton's tongue, and Vincent, and Brian Adams, and Aunty Em, and Toto too. -And they jam...the real cops came out...with one of them slipping on the floor and wiping out on his ASS (HA!!!!!) -And Dillenger comes out too...sorry..but I'm too messed up by the Villanos return to talk about the OTHER great Evil that permeates our world for tonight. For this week..the Dark Chylde will be known simply as "Dillenger".....but I won't forget him...believe you me.....I won't. -So...it's a row....and a darn long one too. The cops tried to break it up, but were ignored...Steiner even shoved a chick cop. (Pussies....pull out your guns and START CAPPING ASSES!!!!! THAT'LL GET SOME RESPECT!!!!!!....aim for Vincent first) -and the GIANT showed up too, which is sure to send a tidal wave of Internet speculation crashing through the chatrooms. (Personally, the Giant would be better off in WCW...what could he do in the WWF? There is no real challenge for him and losing to men half his weight would ruin his credibility...it would be Vader all over again) -But with all "rasslin'" real life brawls...this one had it's share of surrealism....such as some guys taking a break and hanging out until the camera went back on them, then the start banging away again...or when Sting and Steiner started to "fight" down the hall, which quickly turned into Sting and Steiner walking down the hall, until they noticed the camera and started to fight again. Or how, and I SWEAR, I heard Steiner ask Sting what he shot on the Golf course that morning....stuff like that. -Sting shot 10 over par...in case you were wondering. -and they fought back to where the Luchadors were loitering.....they didn't get involved.....(If you're Mexican...you don't BREATHE without the permission of the "Familia") -Eventually, Sting found his way to ANOTHER locker room and found his way to Bret Hart, "tis more of the same jammage...until WCW security, South Carolina's finest, the script, and commercial spot time dictated that this brouhaha is ha ha'ed out. -By the way, RAW came on around this time, and for the first time...maybe EVER....I was too engrossed in NITRO to remember to check the time. It was a nice little romp indeed. -commercials -Those crazy Wolfpac kids are still at it...this time Sting has hopped into a Forklift....(a Forklift??? A FORKLIFT????? Is that like a giant ZAMBONI???? MY GOD THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Sting takes the Forklift and hurtles it into the nearest Limousine...Tony bellows that it's Hogan's Limo. The Forklift then lifts the Limo up high, then tips it down onto it's back, where it crashes....(duhhhh...nice observation there gizzball) -How much do you want to bet that the Limo had a big key scratch running across it? I have a feeling that Hall keyed it the other night as a work to try to fool the Net...I don't believe it for a second. -Then Nash and Luger took a couple of Sledgehammers to the Limo...Tony assured us that those Sledge hammers were MUCH TOUGHER THAN ANYTHING THE COMPETITION ON THAT "OTHER" NETWORK HAS USED IN THE PAST!!!!!!! -The cops finally wake up and demand that they stop...they are ignored. Sting asks for a knife and slices the tires. -As Sting deflated the tires, Larry remembered his second divorce and screamed, "HE'S TAKING THE HUBCAPS!!!!!" -commercials -Second hour fireworks blast about 8 minutes too late.....oh well. -Rockem' Sockem' Damien hit the ring to take on pudgy Hector Garza in a thrill fest.... -Unfortunately, Eddie Guerrero came out to BLAST BISCHOFF OUT OF THE WATER AND DELIVER A SHOOT INTERVIEW THAT WILL KNOCK THE WRESTLING WORLD ON IT'S COLLECTIVE POOPY HOLES!!!!! -He asked both men if Bischoff treated them fairly, neither of them said yes... -He said that neither of them had money to get their own rent-a-car or hotel room....both men agreed....I swear I heard Damian say, "Man, I ain't got two pesos to rub together Homes." -Eddie said that if they couldn't get anywhere in this business unless they had their noses where Bischoff's is...........pause for dramatic effect.................HOLLYWOOD Hogannnnn" -BUT...Eddie had a plan, and it started tonight.....he has started a brand new group, and him, with these two guys will form the CORNERSTONE OF THE GROUP WHICH WILL SHAKE UP THE WCW AND NWO FOR ALL IT'S WORTH AND REALLY MAKE THINGS HAPPEN THAT WILL HAVE THE WRESTLING WORLD BUZZING FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME -Then he pulled out a WCW MARKETED, WCW CREATED, WCW COPYRIGHTED T-shirt that read, "AUSTIN RULES, GOLDBERG SUCKS" (HOLY CRAP!!! IT REALLY IS ALL A SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! EDDIE IS DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT ALL THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Of course not..the shirt read...."LWO" "Latino World Order"...and all three of them will TURN THIS BUSINESS ON IT'S EAR!!!!!!!!! -Garza said, "Yeah man, whatever, but, could we wrestle the match now? So I can drop my Superduperhailmaryfullofgracethelordiswiththeeblessedartthouamongwomenblessedistyhefruitofthywombjesusholymarymotherofgodprayforasinsnowandatthehourofourdeathamen Plancha that Tenay seems to like so well? Eddie said no. -Do we REALLY need this in our lives? Do you realize how bad he is bastardizing the original concept of the NWO now?? Do you realize how desperate he is for the ratings and heat he used to have?? -Mike Tenay grabbed Nash, who was conferring with his posse....Nash said that he knows where Hall could possibly be drinking at and is going out to find his greasy ass. The Wolfpac proceeded to pile into the Hummer (hmmmmm...baby) and get off.....I mean TAKE off...take off. -WELL, hearing that this is a road trip to some WATERING HOLES, Tenay tried to weasel his way into the Hummer.....he was denied...needless to say, Mikey hauled ass to his car for a piece of this lush puppy action! Yeah BABY!!! -commercials -The Nitro Girls eat up precious time. They only have another hour and a half to give us everything we need to get through our miserably paltry lives...THEY CAN'T WASTE OUR TIME WITH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Ahhhh...that's better....Psychosis came to the ring to take on Kidman for the Cruiserweight belt. -Tony mentioned that Rey Mysterio Jr. was currently in San Diego enjoying his Padre's battle for a World Series shot.....try again Schiavone...with the Familia back in town...we know that...that....of F-IT....even I'm sick of it by now. -Kidman, Psychosis, cruiserweights, long, match of the year candidate,neither have any personality, I know I should pay attention.....but I went and got a bowl of Cocoa Pebbles.....because I LOVE drinking the special "cocoa" milk after eating it up. Kidman wins...yawn. -we see David Flair watching the show and wearing Goldberg shirts......I'll bet a MILLION dollars that he isn't even a fan. -A long winded, pointless, and unnecessary monologue from the Warrior...make any joke you want about anything dealing with the monologue and/or this sentence. Me? I'm keeping quiet. -EXCEPT...for the point that it was edited......which is a SCARY concept. -commercials -NWO spot with Scotty Steiner bragging about how he carried his brother. Nicely done spot really....quick cut overdubbing and lots of old clips. -Mike Tenay is cutting people off and weaving in and out of traffic in order to keep up with the Wolfpac and to make his way to the Holy Land of sweet inebriation. He also has both hands on the wheel and is sweating like a stuck pig as he talked to Tony and drove at the same time...(Oh God....how about and accident RIGHT NOW!!!!! Think of the ratings Eric...THE RATINGS!!!!!!!!) -Buff Bagwell came out with Scott Steiner....Tony was baffled, seeing how his script read Brian Adams and Rick Steiner. -Buff seems inordinately pleased with his clothes doesn't he? -They hit the ring. Steiner sent this one out to the "phreaks" and said that "Big Poppa Pump is yo' hookup"...then he said that "He had the 411 on the 911 and that they can gang this joint Up so long as they be gone "fore 5-0 shows up!!" Well play the funky music white boy! -Steiner didn't last long when..... -Rick Steiner came out in a leather jacket that was easily the MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN A MAN WEAR IN MY LIFE!!! The thing made him look like he had 50 pounds of belly on him, obscenely painted, and sporting two retarded dog ornaments on it's shoulders. He looks like the Gimp from "Pulp Fiction" on massive steroids. -Anywhoo...Ricky reminded us that this was the very ring that paralyzed Bagwell lo these many months ago....and how he lied there for three hours...(whew...that must have been a LONNNNNNNNNG Thunder) -Ricky didn't like the fact that Bagwell thought that all of this was a big joke, and neither did his MOM....so Rick called her out... -Out comes Mrs. Judy Bagwell, who came out with confidence....she moves easily on the ring apron and berated Buff for being such a lousy punk who never cut the lawn, cleaned his room, or massaged her feet when her corns were acting up.... -Ohh was she furious.....she sold the passion play and SCREAMED at him...(methinks she wasn't 100% convinced that this was NOT a work) -Buff finally had enough and gave her a little piece of his mind, saying that he supports her, his father, and his family and without him, she couldn't afford to EAT... -Mrs. Bagwell got into the ring....and slapped him in the face...Buff went down like a FAGGY LITTLE GIRLYMAN HA HA HAHA HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! -Then she went after Scott, but he wasn't having any part of it... -So Rick attacked Scott as Mrs. Bagwell grabbed her son by the ear and dragged him backstage, Well, she grabbed him by his HAT and dragged him away. What a little MAMA'S BOY!!!! WHAT A LITTLE BABY BOY!!!!! -With that aside, she took one final round of applause at the entrance way, then ran backstage to deal with her no good son. The thing is...she was GREAT!!! She did a bang up job and drew some real fun out of this...a great spot. She's also a total natural out there....and a better actor than Hogan could ever be. -Isn't it odd that the only woman we have seen in Buff's life is his MOM? - commercials -Uh oh....fun is fun but NWO is NWO and Bischoff has to keep the playing field slightly uneven. In other words, Scott Steiner and Brian Adams double teamed Ricky and beat him up some during the break. -Ah...Ricky is saved...JJ Dillon charged out to put an end to this nonsense...he sends Scotty backstage to make sure Reid Flair stays away from his "roids" -So it's a one on one affair now.....and a lengthy piece of work too. -a lengthy piece of work starring Rick Steiner.... -a lengthy piece of work starring Crush -My point exactly. Steiner wins. He walked away barking..and he looked totally miserable doing it. Chris Hyatte
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