Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
It's almost ALL over now...10/7/98
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)]
-Third hour fireworks kick off.....Oh..tell me this is not a sick, sick joke
-Mike Tenay tails the Wolfpac into bar number 1.......no deal Daddy-O....place is dead actually...they must have been at home watching RAW.
-Note....staring at Tenay's bald spot will give you a severe case of the DOUCHECHILLS for some odd reason...I think because it just looks so UGLY. You have been warned.
-commercials
-Oh Good...I can breeze. Hogan, Bischoff, kisses, speeches, mouthing Hogan's speech word for word, selling the PPV....not much else. We can move on.
-NO WE CAN'T!!!!! Because the SIGN OF THE NIGHT goes to the sign that read "Patterson loves Hyatte" of course, but if THAT one was disqualified, or failed to live up to it's expected duties, the runner up would be the one that figured prominently during this segment, it read, "GETTING OLDBERG" NICE one!!! Creative, thoughtful, and great placement next to Bischoff's head.
-Notice that there are NO MORE Halloween Havoc commercials in the second and third hour?
-Horsemen video spot.
-The Nitro Girls are all done for the night...they don't even have the passion anymore.
-Kanyon comes out, looking like he is smelling something NASTY...then again, he ALWAYS looks like he's smelling something nasty. It's the one facial expression he's got. Which is probably why he never made it as a face....well, that and he is a complete doofus.
-Raven was with him by the way...and was taking on Dallas Page.
-Lodi showed up looking to get back into Raven's good graces....oh let him go back Bischoff...WHAT OTHER PLANS COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE FOR THE MORON?? A CRUISERWEIGHT RUN???
-I can picture Eric sitting in his office, looking at Lodi, and saying "I'm going to make you the next Rock. No, I'm going to make you BIGGER than the Rock! That'll show McMahon how it's done!! You can picture it too....don't deny it.
-So, it was a back and forth affair guaranteed to keep us at the edge of our seats...that is until Raven and Lodi interfered for the final time....and the bell rang.
-and the beat down continued...
-and then Goldberg charged in.....stopping along the way to recharge some hick's phone battery with his heavenly charged powers, then jamming the phone up his ass when he learned that the hick just wanted to know what was happening on RAW from his friend.
-Goldberg and Page cleaned house, then stared at each other like two guys who knew damn well that they were one of only a few guys who could have a nice career without EVER seeing the inside of Hogan's ass.
-commercials
-Mike Tenay chases the Wolfpac into another bar.....uh uh...not this time either. The clientele looked SHOCKED that this was going on. Meanwhile, he was putting up a brave front, but you could tell...Tenay was getting thirsty.....desperately thirsty.
-Oh yeah, someone said the F-word....which was bleeped.
-Beefcake comes down to the ring...he yells something into the camera..which goes to show how much thought he has put into this.
-The Disciple took on Lenny Lane (who's parents ALMOST named, "Lou Seantheskywithdiamonds"). Again, check out what a clueless douchebag this guy is...
-Lenny Lane mocks Beefcake by shaking the ropes and getting a small reaction......so Beefcake makes like, "Let me show you how it's done" and HE shakes the ropes...TO ABSOLUTELY NO REACTION AT ALL!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT??? HE IS A GOOD GUY NOW!!!!! AND HE IS ON THE WARRIOR'S SIDE!!!!! YOU HAVE TO CHEER HIM NOW!!!!!
-The match was the match......Dickhead refuses to show any sign of pain, or even effort....yet Lane still kept away from his face. It ended peacefully and calmly enough with a pin after the Stone Cold Stunner rip off.
-After the match ends, Beefcake screams that he is "his own man now!!!! Now and forever!!!"...then he thumped his chest, shook the ropes, and stared at his hands with a look of wonder on his face.
-Next week he'll shave his head bald a start spearing people....he is SUCH a bitch.
-So, he walked backstage...but Hogan and Bischoff came out from the side and chased after him....
-Apparently, the Disciple can also move at super human speed....but ONLY when no one is watching, because he suddenly had a HUGE head start on them as they got backstage....
-Hogan and Bischoff hit his dressing room, but he was....gasp...gone!!!!
-SUDDENLY!!!!!! Just as the two were bickering about where he went to....the Warrior appeared in the mirror that Hogan was facing....Tony whispered, "What the..."
-Hogan turned around..expecting a jam....but the Warrior was IN THE MIRROR...or was he...
-Y'see..WE saw it....Hogan saw it...Tony and Heenan saw it....and Hogan even started to talk to it....but the thing is....
-Bischoff did NOT see it.....which means that it was a figment of Hogan's mind, perhaps projected there by the Warrior.
-Let me break it down for you....the Warrior's mind is SO STRONG that he is able to invade Hogan's mind with his image...than convert the image of what Hogan is seeing into the CAMERA'S EYE..EVEN THOUGH THE CAMERA HAS NO REAL BRAIN AT ALL!!!!!
-Now, that is where you come in....since the Warrior mentally projected his image into Hogan's mind, then reinforced the image from Hogan's mind into the camera..which beams it directly to us...
-This takes effort..so only if you REALLY BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR...AND YOU REALLY ARE A MEMBER OF THE ONE WARRIOR NATION...A FORCE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND JUST AND DEDICATED TO ERADICATING THE WORLD OF ALL THINGS BAD!!! IF YOU ARE A WARRIOR..THEN YOU SAW IT.
-It also helps if you had any imagination to work with...which is why Bischoff didn't see jack sh*t.
-So guess what...we are ALL MEMBERS OF THE ONE WARRIOR NATION!!!!!
-well, I'm not....someone told me what was happening.....I didn't see a friggin' thing.
-Oh yes, Hogan showed his training off and pretended to "crack up"...can we go home now? Please?
-Oh yes again....I saw this exact same scene played out in the flick "No Hold's Barred"..which means Hogan is picking the WORST material in the world to borrow from.
-commercials
-Look, quite frankly...it's been a long night and I just want to get to bed.....I'm breezing...F-You if you don't like it.
-The Wolfpac checked out bar number three and found Hall...Nash tuned on him a bit, then dunked his head in the toilet. I still think Hall's outside drinking behavior is a work. Or he could have a juicy lawsuit against his company for forcing an alcoholic to try to play up the part.
-Bischoff came to the ring and said that Hogan was fine. he also said that Flair wasn't here and will never be here because he rules the place.
-So Arn Anderson comes out and says that he has Flair here....and he brought him out..
-Jesus Christ?....Flair must of had a facelift? AND IT WORKED MIRACLES!!!!
-Oh, right..it was his son, Reid, (It may be "Read"...but Scherer calls him "Reid" and God knows he would never lie...other than about that Tod Gordon/ECW/WCW Mole thing). So, read came to the ring with Arn....and..
-Reid then made me sick by doing a foolish Mean Gene impression (God I hate that)
-But THEN he said that since Bischoff liked to crack on his Daddy...he feels it is only fitting to handle his Daddy's light work...
-Bischoff rebuffed him
-Arn told him to show a few moves....so Reed...did something with his legs...like slide on one..or something...
-Which didn't stop Bischoff from SIGNING HIM TO A TEN YEAR EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT!!!!!!! THIS BOY WILL BE THE NEXT GOLDBERG IN TWO MONTHS AND HE'LL REALLY SHOW MCMAHON HOW TO DEVELOP YOUNG TALENT!!!!!!!
-Okay, then he turned around right on cue...and the kid clipped him in the knee
-Then Bischoff stood up, and the kid speared his ass back down again.
-Bischoff got up hopping mad....and went for the kid..that when Arn got into it and stared him down.....Bischoff would have slugged him, but he would have gotten Arn's left side, so he wouldn't have felt a thing.
-Then the kid gave him the four horsemen sign..and they took off.
-commercials
-AG..MORE FU&%$#@ BISCHOFF?????????????
-Yes, more FU*&^%$ Bischoff..who was in the ring and demanding that Elizabeth call Ric Flair's house. Flair wasn't home..Flair was there...him and the Horsemen.
-One quicky note though....in his huff, Bischoff used the name "HULK HOGAN"
-Flair came out...the NWO came out..the Horsemen came out and chased them off (Poor Vincent had to sell a beating from Reid Flair....and you KNOW Bobby Walker saw that and IMMEDIATELY called up his Attorneys..ordering to up the demands by about 200%)
-Flair's other son, the one with the Goldberg shirt on) came in...a fine strapping lad
-But the best part of this...How about little Reid sporting the GUY GARDNER HAIRCUT???? THERE YOU GO LITTLE BROTHER!!!! KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE!!!! ONE DAY GUY WILL RIDE TALL AGAIN!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO
-The announcers kill time.....Tony stated that he couldn't believe it before...but with the truth staring him so openly in the face..he would be a fool, not to admit....that we find ourselves looking at the final nail in the glorious coffin of the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!
-Sting came out...
-Bret came out..then turned around and left.
-Sting chased after him.
-and caught him in the backstage area....Hart was banged around..including into a soda machine which looked painful.
-Sting was banged around in the scummiest looking cafeteria that I have ever seen...all that fighting didn't stop the janitors from sweeping up though, believe you me.
-Sting was suplexed into a wooden table..that took some effort to break.
-Sting was beaned with a heavy trash can.
-Sting pushed a blue trunk on wheels onto Hart..down he went.
-Hart tried to start a go cart to hit him with...no sale.
-This was a pretty brutal match for WCW standards...I enjoyed it.
-Sting put Hart in the Scorpion Deathlock....Hart groaned that he was a "cheater".
-Sting replied, "Where's your man now?"
-Sting tried to get a garbage can...it was chained up.
Dillenger showed up to save the day and also curse the day...and the days and days and days following as the UnHoly night falls upon......Oh yeah, I said I'd give it a rest tonight.
-Tony turned the tables on Ross and commented on the "carnage" of what we just saw. He could have used the phrase "My God" and single handily won the night for his company. The show ended on this note.
Umm, I didn't mind either show, really...but this is one of the occasions where a strong Nitro is destroyed by it's horrendous first hour. I can't take three hours..especially when the first hour is nothing but plugs, past footage, and Schiavone hyping up the last 15 minutes. RAW wins...if only for the sign..and the Vince stuff. Oh, and there was pretty snazzy wrestling too. Big closer, then get to work...
Okay, closer time. It's time I brought back the always popular, always thought provoking, always insightful, and always a tried and true alternative to whatever slapped together crap that I usually jam in here just seconds before sending it off to SCOOPS. It's the Almighty TOP TEN PORN LIST!!!!!!!!!!
No, not really.....it's the MOP-UP POLL!!!! Actually, it's TWO polls....since you'll vote for one, you'll vote for the other while you're at it right? RIGHT? oh God, please say "right"
POLL #1: What do you think of Internet Feuds? This past week, I've gotten a few letters from folks about how I rag on other sites and people....the people who are for it, enjoy it...they get an amusing kick when I take a shot at someone, especially someone who they feel need to "loosen up" (which is roughly 75% of these kids, and the sad old men, by my count). The one's who DON'T care for it...HATE it. I have letters from people PLEADING with me to leave these guys alone. They find it boring and unnecessary (I would toss in another Nwwwo reference here, but that would defeat the purpose). So the first part of the Poll is...
SHOULD I LIVE AND LET LIVE? OR SHOULD I KEEP ON GOOFING ON OTHER WEB SITES?
No promises, and no absolutes. If the responses run evenly, then I will try my best to compromise. If I am assaulted by letters screaming LEAVE THEM ALONE!!! Then I'll chill out, until Scherer opens his yap about how his mailbox is flooded again (which I don't believe for a second....he reads SCOOPS and he reads me...I have proof too). If you want me to REALLY go hardcore on their asses until they go whining to Al....then I do it that way. I'll never lie to you guys about the result and will listen to the final tally.
As I listen to ALL criticisms.....you know by now that I do respond to 90% of my e-mail and have ALWAYS carefully weighed your opinions. If there is a gag I do that you really hate, then I consider eliminating them, but if there is something you guys like....then I keep it up, Patterson jokes are a classic example. I'm always open to hear your thoughts, just thought that I'd remind you of this.
POLL #2 This one deals more with wrestling. It deals specifically with the Big Two (ECW won't be involved because too few people have the opportunity to watch their product). The question is this...
WHICH IS THE SUPERIOR COMPANY? WWF OR WCW?
Simple huh? NO IT ISN'T...DO NOT MARK OUT AND VOTE RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!!!!!! Just listen a bit.
It would seem clear that, especially on the web, the WWF would reign supreme, but would it really? I'm asking you to throw away your mark hats, get rid of your lemming helmets, and get rid of any and all bias just this once. Both companies are a LOT more than just booking and fan loyalty...there are a LOT of little details beyond the obvious.
When I say SUPERIOR, I mean in all regards, which will be listed as a "guideline" for you to decide. I'm asking you to forget about the endless supply of money that Bischoff seems to have, because Vince isn't living in his Dodge either....Last year, I read somewhere (not on the "net) that the WWF nettled in a cool 100 million annual gross, mostly from their overseas tours, and the take off of those damn Austin shirts...and that was with the defection of Bret Hart, and with Nitro trouncing their asses in the ratings every single week. This year, they'll probably score twice that...so Vince isn't exactly a pauper up against the mighty Time Warner. So ignore the cash issue. Instead, when really considering what company is superior, consider these categories.
-Talent: WCW has all the huge names, but the WWF has the most OVER names. The New Age Outlaws, Val Venis, The Rock, DX, and Sable really came into their own this year, and I SWEAR that they get more reaction from the crowd than Hogan does nowadays. And over a couple of short months, young men like D-Lo, Edge, Gangrel, and Venis have really worked their asses off in the ring.
-Gimmicks and Angles: Who is the better heel boss? Vince or Eric? What is the more interesting wrestling gimmick" Al Snow looking for WWF respect or Eddie Guerrero looking for WCW respect? Don't take my examples literally...cover the WHOLE SPECTRUM. Are you more prone to cheer a porn star? Or a homeboy who screams "ROWDY ROWDY" and "BOUT IT BOUT IT"?
-Booking: Yes, Bischoff's booking strategy mostly makes me want to put my head through a wall and surrender to merciful blackness, but Bischoff isn't looking to appease just me, his mission is to present WCW as a show FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY...especially children. He keeps things simple and friendly. No matter what I think of him personally, that is SMART thinking. Vince used to do that, but was forced to target a certain audience, the college crowd who get a jazz out seeing Jacqueline's nipples pop out and the older crowd who remember just how phenomenally BAD Hogan vs. the Warrior was 9 years ago.
-The Shows: Bischoff plans every second of Nitro based on what RAW is doing at any given moment, and also tries to make sure that RAW does not have a single second of unopposed airtime whenever possible. That is smart. However, Bischoff is also afraid of change, and hates giving stuff away for free...meanwhile, the is ALWAYS excitement whenever RAW has a live show. However, when Bischoff puts his mind to it, he can hand us a KILLER show that rocks on EVERY LEVEL (I still consider that final hour of Nitro, when Flair returned, to be the finest masterpiece I have ever watched...period)
-The PPV's: nuff said
-The Houses: The WWF tours longer and harder than WCW. BUT, from what I hear, the WWF also has a better House show than WCW...and WCW's bigger names don't work those shows. WCW also is getting Nitro into MAJOR WWF strongholds (Boston, New York, Conn....anyone NOT think WCW will one day invade Madison Square Garden in what would be one of THE most historic events ever). Meanwhile, Deep Southern trips for the WWF are rare, and RAW has YET to invade Atlanta. Then again, the WWF does leave the country and head on out to the Middle East and Europe from time to time. I told you this was something to think about.
-The Marketing: Goldberg is a marketing phenom. Austin is a phenom who was properly marketed. Then there is DX, NWO, LWO, the Undertaker, The Rock, and the Horsemen. All of which have t-shirts. There is also the UT's comic book, the WWF Casino, the upcoming WCW/NWO Cafe, the WWF Vegas Casino, WCW Credit Cards, QVC, Home Shopping, and videotapes. Not to mention those Nitro Parties which are branching out into Monday Nitro Bowling League tourneys. There are also major misses, such as the UnGodly Video DeathMatch that WCW tried to run with MTV, which helped Austin's success with the Clay Celebrity DeathMatch. Both companies are HUGE marketing monsters. Also, what company does more live spots? Autographs sessions, PR moves (Goldberg taking batting practice, Austin getting a street named after him, Lawler and Carrey, The Headbangers showing the "Road Rules" kids how to take a fall, the WWF Wrestle Vessel).
-The Divisions: Who makes the most out of their divisions? The WWF has done a horrendous job with the Light Heavyweight division and the Euro division (Has D-Lo ever BEEN to Europe with his belt? Helloooooo?). WCW' tag team division is a sham, and the world champ spends most of his time beating up Scott Putski.
-The Web Sites, Hotlines, and Magazines. Again, no explanation needed. Try to be fair to WCW, even though Bob Ryder regularly haunts the NWO Hotline on Sundays with his sleep inducing drone.
-The announcers: Well, they are the pitchmen for the company. The only question I would ask here is who is more annoying? Shane or Schiavone?
-Miscellaneous: This involves anything I missed. That's up to you to think about it. Be serious about it...that's all I ask.
Two more things than I'm done. First, remember the major question..I want your opinion on the superior COMPANY AS A WHOLE!!! Not the sum of it's parts as I have cited in the examples below. If you want to break it down for me..go ahead...It'll help me piece together the distinctions....but I need a decisive answer. AND NO TIES GODDAMIT!!!! I find them horribly annoying. TRUST ME...people in BOTH companies read this, so your voice will be heard beyond dicks like me. Whether they'll do anything about it is beyond me.
Second: PLEASE VOTE!!! I know, I know...90% of you could give a rip about talking to me, or opening a dumb little dialogue. Well that's cool. Just write down your answers to one or both of my polls, then send it off quick. I won't even thank you for it if you don't want. If you like my stuff here, or hate me and SCOOPS with a stinking passion (then why are you here anyway?) just grow some nuts and vote. I'll set aside any differences with anyone of you who just want to vote and don't want me coming on here next week and screaming, HEY, ZIMMERMAN EVEN VOTED!!! (of course, I have no "differences" with him at all.....yet). It'll all be confidential, I promise. So vote....vote quickly and painlessly or offer a hefty explanation....I don't care...just vote....and vote for BOTH POLLS TOO, (although I have no problems with anyone who chooses to vote for one and ignore the other, keep that in mind too). I don't do these too often, and it IS me after all...you know, the cool one. So it's okay to help me out here...God knows I don't ask for much.
Whew...a pretty long winded column this week...pretty pointless too.....and TOTALLY unnecessary t'boot. But at least it wasn't whiny and self pitying, and there WAS effort and thought involved so it all works out in the end. Hell, I didn't even bring up Pillman's name either!! Whattaguy!!! Go watch OZ this week because it is WAAAY more innovative than that DARIA crap (why a twenty something male would enjoy a cartoon about a homely CHICK is beyond me). Ahh, Sean likes Oz too, you can just tell. Who knows, who cares....my life is no different because of it. Time marches on like the God Forsaken bitch that she is, Clinton is on his way OUT, Mancow sucks, and millions of Iraquis want to kill us Americans slowly and painfully, and you Canadians too, because they can't tell us pasty faced white skins apart. Alas....alas. See you next week, unless that Comet crashes into us a wee bit earlier than expected...one could only hope.
This is Hyatte (VOTE DAMN YOU!!!!)
Chris Hyatte
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