Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The big show starts right here...10/7/98 Mop-Up RAW No hate mail this week....got too much stuff to go through. Check it out now, this is the Mop-Up and I am Chris...the Funk Soul Brother. We'll start things up with some opening notes, middle things up with a recap or two, then close things up with....a closer. Read it all or go away now, either way your presence here has already been registered and one more hit has been added to my record (God I love this Internet scam). Well, let's get into it, since the NWWWO has been waiting days for this. The mighty RESPONSE to Sean Shannon's (I refuse to call him by his silly "alter ego") little tirade about me. Not that I can blame him, he is the guy who basically runs the site. He's just defending his turf. I do it all the time here at SCOOPS. NOTE: I am well aware that a few of you have A: never heard of Sean Shannon and/or B: Really don't care about this "flame" war. (Am I crazy or does "flame war" sound like rival Homo gangs going at it at the Gay Pride Parade?? Oops, there are my latent feelings of innate homosexuality rearing their ugly heads again...back demons!!...BACK) Well, I encourage you to scroll down to the recaps, because this is the only opening note of the week, and it's a DOOZY. And be sure to read the closer this week at the bottom of the Nitro recap.....it addresses the very subject of Internet feuds in this column. I apologize for taking up so much space on Shannon here, but if you want to blow by this, I'll separate this section nice and evenly for ya', to make your trip to the recaps that much easier!!! How "bout that huh?. ---------------------------------------- And before I REALLY get going...go to www.nwwwo.com and read the column with my name on the title. I won't offer a link like he dared me to do...you'll have to go get there yourself. The thing is, I LIKE Sean Shannon, not personally because I don't know the kid, but I applaud his honesty. He went online and told his readers that he was a 300+, twenty something with few real friends and a speech impediment. That took guts....honest to goodness BALLS to post. In a world where ALL Internet people look like Brad Pitt with a 9 inch shlong, his statement was a refreshing dose of reality. I said that he had guts right here in the column and he posted it on his....proudly (still there in fact). I stand by my statement, the man had guts. As far as his writing style goes, I find it amusing. He writes like a guy on the verge of a nervous breakdown, as if his head is always about to explode when it comes to dealing with readers. It's a real hoot. So with all that said, why would Sean rag on me? Well, because I wrote one sentence about the NWWWO two weeks ago. One little sentence about how the Warrior's long winded, pointless, and unnecessary rants could qualify his as a writer for the NWWWO. Sean didn't like that. Did I say anything else? Nope. Did I rail, ream, and spout on and on about them? Nope. That's all I wrote..and the heads exploded...right on cue. Two of them responded, which I responded back...but the basis revolves around one tiny little sentence. Now, THIS is a guy who rails, who reams, who spouts on and on and on about a fellow named Herb Kunz, who writes "Herbs Wrestling Tidbits" on the web (I don't have the addy offhand). For MONTHS (including his very own "parody" of Herb's site...soon to be updated), Sean has thrown fits over Herb Kunz's very existence on the Internet....SHREDDING him a new butthole every time he gets around to updating his site. Why you ask? Okay...get ready..here it comes...because Herb DOES NOT LIKE THE WWF!!!!! PREFERS WCW OVER THE WWF!!!!! AND PREFERS JAPANESE WRESTLING OVER AMERICAN WRESTLING!!!!!! and what's worse...HE HAS THE BALLS TO WRITE DOWN HIS FEELINGS!!!!!!!!! The sonofaBITCH....he should be hung by his nuts in Time Square and burned alive over a roasting fire. How dare he have a unique OPINION!!!!! Even Scaia has gotten into the act and has gone after Herb, but Rick is another tale for another time, let's stick with Sean. What is BLATANTLY clear to me is that Sean's true hatred for Herb stems from how Herb has responded to Sean's relentless attacks.....he has IGNORED it. Hell, I doubt Herb even READS it, (although trust me..someone has e-mailed him with FULL details, probably Shannon himself under a different name). Kunz chooses to ignore it and keep doing what he does. The bastard....he should be skinned alive. I read Kunz from time to time....I sure don't agree with his viewpoints, but they are his and he has every right to post them....just like I do here, much to everyone's delight and/or chagrin. So..seeing that Herb refuses to play games, Shannon goes for me and my VERY harmless (but true...sorry kids, but in your heart of hearts, you know it to be true....nobody is curing cancer at your site....nor am I..but I know what this column is and I proudly acknowledge it..it's a place for an occasional chuckle and a big laugh once in a while...no more, no less) joke. The obvious thought after reading his ragfest on me is that Sean seems to excel at dishing it out, but is incapable of taking it.....but I disagree. Sean wants attention, just like me, just like everyone else on the web with any brains. He figured that since Herb wasn't playing, maybe I will.....and so I am. But the thing is, I saw through his Rage Against the Hyatte Machine and saw the probable truth......he is a fan of mine. He loves this column and everything he wrote was bullcrap designed to really get me going. In his rant-o-rama, he mentions my ex girlfriend (I'll get to her in a second), Johnny Rodz, Z-Smooth, Patterson jokes, and my love for Howard Stern (Did I ever deny the Stern influence here? Or the Letterman influence? Or the Talk Soup influence? Hell, even Berkley Breathed is a major influence of mine. Sadly though, none of those performers recap wrestling on the web....when they do...I'll stop doing this column...I promise). You don't bring up those points without spending some serious time reading this column...especially when SCOOPS doesn't post past columns. No, Sean is a fan of mine who wanted to get real heat brewing over one little remark now, just in case I decide to leave the NWWWO alone and move along elsewhere, thus missing his window of opportunity. Since I KNOW he's reading this (wink F'K'N wink), he's probably pissed that I'm not really ragging on him, or "critiquing my work in an intelligent manner"(paraphrased...I know) as he challenged me to. Sorry bro', but I critique my work every friggin' week here (I think it ranges from sucky to not bad...God's honest truth...I am my own harshest critic), and my audience is bored to tears already by now. So, let's finally wrap this up. Sean overplayed his cards here. He wanted to dissect me through my work and really rip me to shreds, but the truth is that I saw through his calculation. He wants heat, he wants reams of both hate letters and letters of applause for finally taking big bad Hyatte down a peg. I'm sure he got both...no problem., it's what he wanted, badly, desperately. But his dissection of me was an error, because he showed that he reads me each and every week...not just casually either...and even manages a laugh or two I'll wager. Go on bro'...admit it. Nobody will think any less of you for admitting so...you showed real balls to admit about your physical faults, now take it to another level. Oh hell, one little rag on him, just for fun. Sean claims that my ex girlfriend told him that I was a "dickless wonder"....well, Sean is 300+ pounds, he still lives with Mom and Dad, he doesn't drive, and he has a speech impediment.....how many girls do you REALLY think he talks to? And for the record, my wiener is not too big, not too small, totally hetero, and never a real problem for handling the girls ....other than the stamina thing...but I've been doing sit ups. Now go call me a raging egomaniac and beat me up in your Alternaverse playworld. And stick with ragging on Herb Kunz, who is probably laughing his ass off right now.. ---------------------------------------- Okay, that part is over with. I'm terribly sorry for that if you can't stand Internet feuds, and I again ask you to check out this week's closer which deals with the very subject....among other things. But as always, that's the CLOSER...and as much as I would like to throw it in now, blow off the recap, and drink beer all week until I get a speech impediment of my very own, we got us hours and hours of wrestling to mulch up into tiny little pieces and try to make something out of. It's a hard job, but if you hold my hand tightly, we can go through together.......uhhh.....that was a joke....let go of my hand....FAG!!!!!!!!! RAW IS WAR (or Mr. Socko....more popular than Goldberg ) NOTE FOR SEAN SHANNON.....Just for you, this week's Mop-Up will be COMPLETELY DEVOID of any and all Patterson jokes...it'll be filled with other crap I've used time and time and time and time again over and over and over and over, because, as your Geocities (heh) buddy pointed out, I put no effort or thought into this thing). -Opens with the standard video history lesson dealing with the events from last week and how Patterson single handily put the "boni" in the word "Zamboni" (Oh come on...just this once...I got people to entertain....sort of) -opening theme -Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcomed us to "Generic pre-taped arena" ("bout 20 minutes from the town of Part's Unknown, hang a left at the Bowery). They gave us the menu for tonight's offering.....more of the same, just slightly rearranged (Geeze...a Hell of a lot like this column...if you thin about it). -X-Pac had made his way to the ring with Chyna...who was looking rather fetching this week. Time was wasting sooooo -D-Lo swaggered to the ring with Mark Henry. This was for the Euro strap...which means ALL OF EUROPE WAS IS GLUED TO THEIR SEATS......THE OUTCOME OF THIS MATCH WILL DECIDE THE FATE OF THE EUROPEAN TRADE MARKET FOR THE REST OF THIS CENTURY AND A GOOD CHUNK OF NEXT!!!!!!!!! -After powerslamming X-Pac, D-Lo asked him if he "recognized" him......X-Pac was clueless.... (wait a second.....I recognize him...wasn't he Michael from "Good Times"?) -Damn though, that D-Lo is GOOD though. -Chyna received another Court Order. She didn't look too thrilled....somebody must be printing those..."adult oriented" pictures of HHH taken in his youth that I've heard whispers about (whispers that were NOT reported to me by Al Isaacs by the way). -X-Pac gave D-Lo the Bronco Buster...which involves slamming your crotch into a man's face several times....and the fans cheer wildly...yet I make a crack or two (or three or five or 10) about Patterson and suddenly I'm a closet fag. The sport is sweaty men in tights playing pretend....EVERY fan should blast a searchlight in their closet and go sniffing for skeletons, by God!) -X-Pac jumped on top of henry, Henry caught him, one thing leads to your mother and.... -D-Lo is the new European title....again. The European Stock market crashes and London is burning...who cares..I'm an AMERICAN!!! We have WELFARE, UNEMPLOYMENT, AND FRIVOLOUS LAWSUITS!!!!!! I could live FOREVER and not work a day!! -Lawler and Ross set up the show again...only this time with PICTURES. -Who should be in the Hospital but Vincent K. (I need 15 cc's of Potassium for my Toupee...STAT!!!!) McMahon. Screaming at a poor nurse for Apple Juice...not Grape. -Then we see the Oddities playing touch football.........wasn't this crap banned after the 80's? -commercials -Those Generation Xer punk kids the Headbangers come out to really get there heel turns rolling. They hit the ring, hit the ref with a snot rocket, and shove the announcer out of the ring (No good youths....they don't know good music nowadays.....now back when I was a kid....THAT'S when music was MUSIC!!! ABBA, Air Supply, The Bay City Rollers, Tony Orlando and Dawn.....THAT was when rock was cool!!!!) -The "Bangers were having no Clown Luv....so they invited them out for a little tussle. The Oddities came out....the Bangers told them to get the clowns -The Oddities stared at them until Luna remembered her cue....then she went and got the Insane Clown Posse. -The ICP came out. One of them was really fat and the other was really skinny.....the Bangers wasted them in a vicious manner. (Picture watching an episode of "Laurel and Hardy" on a REAAAAALLLLY bad Acid Trip) -Y'know..I should do that. Watch and recap both shows while on Acid. I'd become a legend. Zimmerman would pull out all his hair trying to figure out how to top that. Petrie would......ahh...Petrie doesn't read this crap......I'm not egotistical enough to think THAT. -I have no Clown Luv by the way, I'm glad they got their asses whupped. -The Oddities came back out and chased those punks away. (Note to WCW's Giant...see the way Kurrgan and Silva are dressed? THAT IS YOUR FUTURE IF YOU COME TO THE WWF!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Either Mosh or Thrash grabbed the mic and told ICP that they "suck"...the crowd popped. -Live footage from Vince in the Hospital. He looked like he just heard Bob Ryder announce that Austin is a Goldberg rip off (I see that headline coming any day now). -Footage from Heat last night where Austin took an ax to a poor defensive wire. The wire's parents are suing Titan for millions...GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!! -commercials Chris Hyatte
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