Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
moving onward and downward...10/7/98
Mop-Up RAW (cont)
-another refresher course in last week's mind numbing drama.
-Vince is still in the Hospital...and refusing to see visitors. The Nurse claims that a rather "oafish" man is demanding to see him and his scaring the male orderlies. Vince tells her that "It's just Pat's way of dealing with stress."...(aww shaddup).
-wrong oaf...all of the sudden we hear, "Turn that frown upside down!" and out comes Mankind...bearing a balloon and some candy ("Vinnie's got a sweet tooth!").
-Then Mankind said that he brought someone else who really wanted to see him....Vince assumed it was Austin and got a bit edgy.....t'wasn't Austin.
-Mankind brings out a clown, a female clown..I heard the name "YORBALL"..but I may have been wrong. The clown started making animal balloons.
-Then Mankind went under the bed, and out popped MR. SOCKO!!! A Sock in his hand......
-Oh Dear God...I hope it was a sock.
-OH DEAR GOD!!! I HOPE IT WAS HIS HAND!!!!!!!!
-Oh.....thank Christ...it was a sock....and it was his hand......either that or Foley is a Fuc*$^# contortionist!
-Vince snapped, tossed them all out...and grumbled "Mr. Socko"....Bischoff signed the sock to a three year deal.
-We see Sable getting all dolled up. (Why is her hair always longer when it's pulled back?)
-commercials
-Sable comes out....Ross pushes her upcoming guest shot in the show , "Pacific Blue" on USA this Sunday....or "Pac Blue" as the real cool hipsters call it...or "The Show that's on when the Simpsons are on so we ain't even considering it as an option" for the rest of the free speaking world.
-Sable wanted to do a little Color Commentary...and BOY, did she put the Color into the Commentary (Lawler's color was red, then turned purple! Ross....well......let's leave Ross alone shall we?)
-Sable shook hands with the fans, and with a chick directly seated behind the Announcers....that chick named Terri Powers who's all set to start trouble in the WWF now that the Ladies Division is reset up.
-Come to think of it...where is Madusa Micelli...aka Luna Vachon?
-Come to think of it....where is Jenna Jameson...aka Porn Queen?
-Come to think of it.....where are my pants? Oh, right. They're still drying from the HumVee "incident" on Nitro...(How's that for foreshadowing huh?)
-So...why is Sable there? Why, to make Marc Mero and Jacky's life a LIVING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Girl...get OVER IT!!! Your man just wanted a little of that Sexual Chocolate! Now if you REALLY want to get him back, why don't you take your country ass self, join forces with Jacky's city girl ass..and build a suburb on Mero's lap!!! Just make sure you buy the real estate in Utah....where that kind of stuff is legal.
-Mero was taking on Vader. By now you've heard that Vader is splitsville from Titanland...by now you KNOW that Vader was never treated properly in the WWF. By now you know that Vader's career may be ruined because Vince DIDN'T EXPLORE HIS REPUTATION AS BEING A BRUTAL, RAMPAGING JUGGERNAUT HELL BENT ON MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!!
-And Vader made a mean Quiche Lorraine too...Patterson said that it was "to die for".
-Anywhoo...take those into consideration, and you can figure out the outcome....Vader got pinned again, and Jacky got to jump on top of him more than once..
-In all seriousness, when you see Sable looking at Mero...she has a wide smile and her eyes are LIT UP....try as she might for the script, you can tell that she really loves the big, dumb lug.
-Nobody loves Vader though....alas.
-After the match, Jacky called out Sable....Sable obliged
-Mero grabbed the mic and said that Sable was a dead fish in the sack...Sable slapped him in the face (with love though..she slapped him with love). Jacky got the drop on her and blammo....Sable's hair extension was chopped off some.
-Oh please...like they'd cut her real hair.....you'd have a better chance of seeing Bischoff without his "All Black" hair color.
-Vince is still in the Hospital, and being all pissy about having his temperature taken.
-Steve Regal likes his Orange Juice freshly squeezed.....and there BETTER be enough Vodka or he'll BLOODY WELL PEE ON THE NEAREST STEWARDESS!!!! Sunshine.
-commercials
-footage of the haircut.
-Edge came out....and RIPPED OFF AT LEAST ONE MORE FRIGGIN' GIMMICK while he was at it.
-Then Owen Hart came out....dressed in street clothes and looking morose.
-Owen grabbed the mic and said that when he looked into Dan Severn's eyes after crippling him, he saw his wife, his two children (and his NO GOOD BROTHER BRET WHO COULD NEVER BEAT HIM!!! OH WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE BRET?? WHY COULDN'T YOU STAY AND TAKE CARE OF ME YOU NO GOOD SONAFABITCH!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THE HANDS OF Z-SMOOTH IN THE STATE LOCKUP AND LAUGH AS HE DID INHUMAN THINGS TO ME? OH WHY BRET?? WHY???)
-Owen said that he was sorry, then couldn't speak anymore as the tears welled up. I wonder how he would have reacted if they place started to scream, "NUGGET" during this speech? Lawler called him a pussy too.
-Edge was seen asking the ref, "I still get paid right?"
-We see Shamrock warming up to get him some Candy Kane ass
-commercials
-Michael Kole tried to interview Owen Hart. Owen said "it's over" twice and "I'm done" once.....Sounds like me last Friday night with that chick I had met....I forget the name....except I only said "it's over" once...and I didn't walk out.....I was kicked out...and I didn't walk out calmly......there was screaming, and things being thrown....and I got hit with her "Titanic" tape...and I left my shoe there.
-Kane came to the ring...where the Hell is Paul Bearer?
-Then Ken Shamrock came out.....where the Hell is Paul Bearer?
-As I'm watching this, I'm thinking..."this should be a bloody good row"
-Shamrock ducked, parried, jabbed, kicked, and squirreled.
-Kane swung, powered, powerbombed, and breathed heavily through his mask.
-A chinhold was used as a resthold.
-The Undertaker showed up.
-A Hurricarana took down Kane, who sat right up.
-Undertaker shook the ropes which crotched Kane...it may have been intentional, it may have not.
-Shamrock gave Kane a NICE top rope belly to belly suplex...and scored the upset win.
-Kane stormed off looking to re-write the script before it aired tonight....NO SOUP FOR YOU...LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-We see Venis backstage searching for Terri Runnel's wedding ring...he found it near her kitty....Terri was going or the "porn look" with her pig tails all cooking.
-commercials
-Oh yes, the second hour had come on gone by now too.
-Venis came to the ring and announced that he was the REAL Magic Johnson (Does he have a failed talk show too?)
-Ooops...he said he HAD the real Magic Johnson...and the bounty was 10 million dollars...PAY UP!!!!!
-Then Gangrel came to the ring with Edge's new brother...named Christian...(Christian??? IF VINCE BOOKS HIM TO FIGHT A LION, I AM QUITTING THE MOP-UP....SHAVING MY HEAD....AND PURSUING MY DREAM OF BEING A STALKER TO LITTLE KNOWN C-MOVIE STARLETS WITH BIG TEETH!!!!!!!!! LISA BOYLE!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU, BABY!!!!!!!!
-Ross made a humorous point during this match. He said, "We'll focus on the stars, the YOUNG stars in the ring tonight! No....no 45 year old dueling microphones here!"
-Hogan must have just been on.
-Ross also called Christian, "Christopher" by accident...Hey Zimmerman...he had YOU on his mind, dude!!
-So, this match goes a whopping 5 minutes or so (Like I time this crap...please...who the Hell CARES?) then the Edge pops out of nowhere and has a brief chat with his "brother" Christian. I read some lips and pieced together the conversation.....it went like this:
Edge: "Hi, I'm Adam Copeland."
Christian: "Hey, how are you doing.. Hyatte's too lazy to check for this bit, so I don't remember my name right now. We are supposed to be brothers right?"
Edge: "I guess so. It was either this, or Bischoff wanted me to cut my hair off, paint it black, put on a eyemask and become "Swordo: The Latin Heartthrob"
Christian: "Yeah, he wanted me to be the Disciple's tag partner, I would've been called "Legion'. I would have taken all the face shots."
Edge: "Ugh. I wish I had the porn gimmick though"
Christian: "Amen brother, amen"
-Then Gangrel DDT'ed Edge, the double team ensued....and Val was the winner. He celebrated with Terri Runnels in the ring.
-Then a movie usher hit the ring and handed Val an envelope...Ross seemed to recognize him, but I had and have no clue...NOR do I have any desire to learn, so no explanations please.
-Then the music played and the TitanTron woke up
-Goldust in a voice-over....inviting Venis to RAW next week for some androgynous head games.
-Oh man...can you picture a BETTER foil for Venis??? This feud would work on so many fu**ed up levels...it's amazing.
-some more stuff from Heat. I guess Austin gave Shane something to crap his pants about.
-Vince is getting uppity with the Nurse at the Hospital.
-The cameras pan the crowd as Al Snow asks, "What does everybody WANT?"...the camera look at some signs. Well, one sign, in the back, seen only for a moment, but as big and as bold as anything else...read "PATTERSON LOVES HYATTE"
-Well, it was a heart instead of the actual word...but you know the drill.
-YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS...THANK YOU MY FRIEND!!!! YESYESYESYEYES!!!!!!THANK YOU BRO"
-That's TWO signs in two weeks...one on both shows...PLUS the two on Nitro last week that didn't quite make it fully on camera!!!! You guys are the best readers a guy could have.....F-THE NET!!!! F-THEM ALL TO FRIGGIN' HELL!!!!!! I have people who are nice enough to take the time to make up a sign in my honor....THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!!!!!
-Now, about this "Patterson Loves Hyatte" stuff. I don't know if he loves me, or has even heard of me. But I DO know that I love him.....
-yeah, that's right. I love him. No joke, no set up..I love him.
-Just like I love ALL my fellow humans. Gee whiz people....can't I just be a good Catholic for once and love my fellow man? It doesn't mean that I want to stick him...I just love him. I love you guys too...some more than others, but hey.
-I LOVE YOU!!!! All right DAMMIT...I said it....can we move on now?
-Good, because I've given you MORE than enough material on RAW.....I'm going to breeze through the rest of the show, then move on to Nitro. Don't give me any crap and things will be just fine.
-Snow took on Jarrett. Both these men need a victory.....Snow more than Jarrett.
-Jim Ross claimed that his father would have called Snow "as crazy as a pet coon"......I wonder if he regretted saying that the second it left his mouth.
-Slaughter showed up...Ross called him the "Chin".
-In the end, Slaughter shook the ropes on Snow and Snow went down.....he won on DQ. The ref charged the Commissioner with causing it.
-commercials
-Road Dog came out with both Tag belts wrapped around his waist. He also had a replacement for Bad Ass Billy Gunn...in the form of a blow up doll named "Mona" (which rules out any chance that this was taken from Patterson's own private stock)
-Road Dog did his bit, with X-Pac along for moral support.
-Mark Henry comes out, with no blow up doll but a very rubbery D-Lo (I have absolutely no clue why I said that, or how I thought it was anything even remotely NEAR amusing).
-Lawler claimed that he had the Court Order that Chyna was handed.....and it read that Henry was suing Chyna for "sexual harassment" (Does ANYONE wish to hazard a guess as to could have POSSIBLY dreamed up that idea??? Anyone???)
-Ross asked Lawler dumbly/sarcastically if HE was ever sued for sexual harassment...Lawler said that his lawyer subscribed to the age old philosophy, "Innocent until proven broke".
-Chyna came out and crotched D-Lo, she yelled at the ref and Mark Henry (Lawler, "Is she sexually harassing him??") A little X-Pac interference and....
-Hoofaa...Road Dog got the pin..and the crowd went nuts.
-After the match, a furious Mark Henry grabbed a chair took off running with it...stopping midway to sit down on it and rest...(Henry isn't exactly built to run).
-The Rock was backstage, waiting to get out there and progress his amazing push.
-Vince was still in the Hospital.....asking for some juice.
-commercials
-We see what happened last week AGAIN!!!!!!!!!
-One last time in the Hospital with Vince. Now he's downright bitchy with the nurse and waiting to get the Fu&% out of there.....then we hear...
-"Oh I'll take it from there Nurse"...
-and out comes Austin, dressed in a Operating uniform, he attacks Vince and wails away...
-Austin pounds at his busted ankle...Vince wails like a banshee with it's nuts caught in a vice...
-Austin beans Vince with a bedpan...which cracked me up to no end (Now THAT IS TOILET HUMOR KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Vince is wearing a hospital gown and a pair of underwear...Patterson voted for no underwear but was flatly denied.
-Austin picked up the Heart pumps and shocked Vince in the chest....he forgot to scream, "CLEAR"!
-Austin said that he always wanted to find out just how full of sh*t Vince really is, so he yanked and IV over to him and JAMMED it up his ass. Vince screamed one more time for the depths of his very core and they cut away.
-Now, what could I possibly say that could top that? Zimmerman imagined that I would use it as a Z-Smooth analogy. I deeply thank CRZ for caring about the quality of my column. I'm honored that the "Master of the Non-Wrestling Tangent" would be so generous with his time. (Did you win that in a tournament Chris? Buddy? Fill me in so I can enter next time!)
-Oh yeah, just before Austin plunged it into never never land, he screamed that "This will hurt you more than it hurts me!" Folks, you can't WRITE that kind of script..that has to come from the heart.
-a replay of what happened.....almost in it's entirety
-Out comes the Rock.....
-Out comes the Undertaker....and after a few minutes of fighting....
-Out comes Mark Henry and D-Lo...and a few minutes after THAT....
-Out comes Kane to cause trouble and make sure neither man loses cleanly.
-Out goes Henry and D-Lo.
-Rock has a little control, but a chokeslam changed the course of this river.
-UT is really on a roll, stealing occasional glances at Kane to sell the angle.
-Ross points out that the Rock doesn't know the word "quit"...unless Shamrock has him in the Ankle Lock of course.
-UT has the Rock up for a Tombstone....Rock backs out of it and gives him the Russian Legsweep...then drops the "People's Elbow".
-Quick: What do you get when you cross the Rock and Val Venis?
-Answer: The People's Blowj*b
-Thank you, thank you....please give to Jerry's Kids
Then the ref goes down....and Kane picks up a chair.
-UT flies against the ropes, Kane nails him with the chair...Rock hits the Rock Bottom and tries for the pin...
-No Soup...the ref is still down. Kane leaves, Rock looks at the ref, UT sits up...UT Tombstone's the Rock on the chair.....UT pins the Rock. Ross acts like UT pulled a rabbit out of his ass.
Ross learns that there is no more Chinese Noodles at the backstage Buffet and screams, "MY GOD!! THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE" and the show ends.
The show was just fine....really kind of lacking from the pre-taped atmosphere and the lack of killer interviews. Anything involving Vince rocked, and Mankind ALMOST stole the show away from Austin's "Assault on Vinnie's Bowels"on TNT (Home of the New Classics). Then there was the PATTERSON LOVES HYATTE sign..which gives it a special place in my heart..(and ONLY in my heart....SICKOS!!!!!) It's up against a live Nitro..which means that it has a better than average shot of winning the night.....go over there right now...'cause this puppy is only half done.
Chris Hyatte
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