Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
We're in the final stretch...10/14/98
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-The third hour fireworks go off......THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Okay, I don't give a sh*t if you like it or not..I am totally ignoring this. I have three names for you......Okerlund, Rick Steiner, and Chucky...yeah that Chucky...the Chucky that was behind all that laughter lo these many weeks.....the BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR that Schiavone was screaming about.
-All I can say is that the dummy made the dummy look like a dummy! Use any of the three names and apply them however you like in that sentence and it'll work.
-commercials
-I don't remember it happening really, but Beer #19 vanished and Beer #20 took it's place...I BROKE THE DEUCE!!!!!!!! I BROKE THE FU***NG DEUCE!!!!!!!!!!
-DDP promised to bang lots of horny men when WCW invades QVC
-The announcers eat up time talking about how lucky we were to have them on the TV.
-commercials
-Bischoff stalked to the ring....he had the mic and was preaching his word.
-And was almost hit with a drink in the bargain...he chided the would be assaulted for his horrible aim. Then he called out Dillon and Dillenger
-JJ Dillon and Dark Sun Dillenger came out. Bischoff bitched about Flair some more then....
-Made Dillenger bring him threw the seats and to the Luxury Box.....I saw Bischoff get TAGGED with something......then we lost his tiny ass in the crowd...either that or he tripped.
-Tony and the boys kill MAJOR time.
-Bischoff makes it to a hallway, shuttles past...oh wait a sec...pee break...
-m'back......too bad Beer #20 didn't make it back with me
-Beer #21 did tho' ALL HAIL THE FALLEN SOLDIERS!!!! I DRINK TO THEE!!!!
-Bischoff made it to sea of security and the door to Wertz's Luxury Box...he demanded that they open the door, going so far as to bang on it himself
-It should be pointed out that Eric's head was now DRENCHED!!!!!! OH YEAH BABY, CHICAGO GAVE UNCLE ERIC A LITTLE SHOWER TO MESS UP THAT $200 HAIRCUT OF HIS!!!!!! GOD BLESS CHICAGO BABY!!!!!!!!! MANCOW MAY SUCK BUT CHICAGO RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Wertz opened the door and Bischoff continued the argument he started at 9:00.....namely, get Flair out of the building
-Wertz refused....Eric shoved him
-United Security swarmed all over Eric and dragged him down. I saw a couple of them give Eric some nice rabbit punches. The pinned him to the ground, and tried to steady him...
-Flair came out and......I guess the proper word is shivered.....then took off his jacket.
-Tony and the boys were thrilled beyond words. For the first time ever, they actually sounded like they were enjoying themselves.
-Meanwhile, back at the Lux Box...some chippy started to make out with Wertz right there....and Flair celebrated by whipping his coat around and whooping it up for the fans.
-Now Tony and the boys were laughing.....NWO WHY THE FU** CAN'T THEY DO THAT MORE OFTEN???? DAMN YOU!!!!!
-Who the Hell am I saying "damn you" to anyway?
-We see Bischoff be loaded into a car with a handy police light in the front..he was handcuffed. The car took off and the announcers gleefully said C-YAAAA
-Want to know my biggest problem with this? No, it wasn't that it was nothing but a way for Bischoff to get over (he's been trying for what? Two years now?). No, it wasn't because the Horsemen seemed more incidental than anything else (it could have been anyone...it wasn't the point).
-No, my biggest problem was that Eric Bischoff...all 5 foot 7 inches, 160 pounds, felt the need to make sure that 12 SECURITY GUARDS WERE NEEDED TO RESTRAIN HIS FURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12 OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THE...THE...THE WRONGNESS OF THAT?????
-Oh God...I need a drink...ahhhh..there ya' go.
-commercials
-The Giant comes to the ring.....call me kooky, but he looks a bit...nonchalant about it all.
-Dillenger is busy filling out paperwork for Bischoff.....and gathering the seeds of Human turmoil for the Harvest, to be there...so his able assistance...the guy whose name I do not know, but who is sporting the world's worst white trash haircut EVER, is the one who has to lead Goldberg and his security to the entranceway....
-Goldberg comes out....he comes to the ring....along the way, he spots a boy who...who....oh I don't know....dammit.what do you want from me? I'm at a lost...I just want to go to bed MAN.......leave me alone.
-Oh fine...the kid was....umm.......he had a hangnail on his toe....Goldberg smashed the toe with his huge boot and screamed, "GET USED TO PAIN KID!!!! AND STAY AWAY FROM THOSE BITCHWHIFF CHICKS!!!!!!" The kid yelped and ran off...word has it he turned gay...that's the best I can do.
-This was a no DQ match by the way...which means that after the Giant and Goldberg has some fun with match control...(although the match didn't go outside...oddly enough)...
-Stevie Ray chaired Goldberg...no selling necessary when you are in Bischoff's good graces.
-The Giant chokeslammed him...and went for the pin.
-DDP ran in and made the save...because he is a DAMN COMPETITOR AND WANTS TO COMOPTE AGAINST GOLDBERG!!!!! (besides...what if the Giant decided to dump the WCW belt in a WWF owned trash can?)
-In a great move....Goldberg speared the Giant just as he had Page up in the air in a chokeslam...pretty cool indeed.
-Goldberg was alone in the ring as the NO DQ MATCH ended in a countout.....I don't even want to begin to tell you what's wrong with that.
-commercials
-we see footage from earlier tonight when Bischoff proved his manhood by ordering 12 men to hold him down.
-Hey look! It's the Nitro Girls (yeah, I know...I'm stealing from Zimmerman.....but I like the guy...F-You)
-Michael Buffer said that this was the single greatest moment in our loser lives...and the moment will begin in earnest after these...
-commercials
-Oh yeah, and Buffer also said (either now or later...I hit the mute button) that this was the first time Sting and the Warrior would be teaming up.....can't blame Buffer though, he could care less about this sh*t.....he's just reading from blue cards.
-Hogan and Hart come out.
-Sting comes out
-The Warrior comes out. There lots of running and rope shaking
-The Warrior seems intent on keeping on his jacket....because he is JUST THAT COOL!!!!
-After deciding that Sting should start things off...the Warrior puts his hand on Sting's forehead, jogs up and down, then transfers his WARRIOR'S POWER FROM HIM TO STING!!!!! Sting looked at him as if to say, "Dude...puleaze...I've seen your ratings...you'll be back in Utah by Christmas"
-The point of this match was to PROVIDE THE MOST AWESOME, SPECTACULAR, INSPIRING ACTION THAT THE COMPETITION THAT USA HAS NOT, COULD NOT, AND WOULD NOT EVER PUT ON THEIR LOUSY ASS SHOW!!! All the while making sure that the Warrior and Hogan never lock up.
-Meaning of course, that Sting took most of the beating.
-and that was the majority of the match. Sting fought. and was tuned on...he fought some more...and was tuned on some more....
-Then he tagged in the warrior...who gave Hart some shoulderblocks....
-Then it all broke down...the NWO charged in...toilet paper assaulted the ring....smoke flooded the ring, but the Warrior was tossed out of the ring so his super powers wouldn't work...
-The show ended with the Warrior chasing the NWO away by beating on them with Hogan's weight belt. And that is that.
Call me a hypocrite, call me a charlatan, call me a damn drunk...all I know is that I really kind of liked Nitro tonight. It wasn't bad. It wasn't as good as RAW though..so guess who wins...there you go. Closer time then I'm going away.
Wait up...I'm gonna kill one last beer. Make it an even 22...I think
Okay....and I SWEAR...this is legit. I'm not claiming to do this to be cool....it was an experiment/unique approach to doing this that you either enjoyed, or hated. I'm not like other web guys who brag about their drinking prowess....I WALK THE GODDAM WALK KIDDO!!!!!! And I gotta tell ya...I'm pretty hammered right now.
So...over in Georgia, some chick held a large pilgrimage of miracle seekers because she claimed to have a close connection with the Virgin Mother. What was noticeable about this was that she said this was the last time the Virgin Mother would ever talk to her.....I don't know if this was legit or not...all I know is that I too have had visions of the Virgin Mary, and I am prepared to spread her word. Y'see, she has directions for us to follow..things to do. All of which, I assume, are for the ultimate goal of cleansing your sin filled souls for God. I don't know, but I DO care...'cause I think God is the ULTIMATE BEING and in all honesty....I think he is.....(and I say this only to make sure you MTV kids are paying attention)..........Da Bomb! So, without further nonsense...I give you....THE HOLY MOTHER'S DIRECTIONS!!!!!
-No drugs.....other than over the counter crap that never works anyway.
-Leave the Jews alone for Chrissakes.
-Leave black people alone too.
-Same thing goes for gay people. All three of these people are good folks. EVERYBODY has some bad apples in the bunch, that doesn't mean that you have to crucify them as a whole race.
-No more living in Condos
-No more sex without marriage.....(Don't shoot me kids...I'm only transmitting the Holy message)
-Alcohol is out...unless you happen to be a messenger of the Holy word.
-Do NOT write for the NWWWO.....(well..who'da thunk that?)
-Read the Mop-up on Scoops...(go tell your Priest to spread the word)
-Watch OZ on HBO
-Do NOT watch Daria on MTV
-Kids, take all the green paper out of your parents wallets and send it to Hyatte.
-Listen to Mancow and you're going straight to Hell....no getting out of it either...stop now or you'll never get into the Holy land.
-Keep Springer on the air...and BRING BACK THE FIGHTS!!!!
-Finally, if you are a female, between 100-140 pounds...you must pay homage to the Holy Messenger Hyatte once a year and offer him your....services. Get going now to avoid the Christmas rush.
Well, that's enough. Either this will be the greatest Mop-Up EVER...or the worst...or neither. I just don't know anymore.
What I DO know is that I FINALLY have an answer to the burning question...ICQ or AIM. Well, after rebooting my computer and totally rebuilding the file system, I have finally attained the ability to download either service. So I downloaded both of them.
Yup..I now have AIM AND ICQ. My ICQ # is 20750435
My AIM screen name is...(and I am pretty proud of this little F-You)...Hyatte1com
Do whatever you want with that info...'cause I will never post it again.
I'm leaving now....I'm going to sleep until I wake up. Sorry if this week's column sucked..but what can I do? Nothing by God
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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