Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I have no feeling in my toes...10/14/98
Mop-Up RAW
"Leave Sean Shannon alone, if you know what's good for you. He is smarter, funnier, and more talented than you could EVER be"
NOBODY@Nobodywrotethis.com
Sad but true. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. A hastily pasted together look at Monday night wrestling. Plenty of high points, lots of small points, and, TONS of no points at all....just as you like it. Opening notes, and lots of them...starting with a BRIEF little thingy on Sean Shannon. Don't sweat it kids, this is WAY shorter than my last column......it's just take a minute to skim through if you feel like it. Like last week, I'll separate this nice and easy so you can skip it if you REALLY hate this kind of stuff....I PROMISE, you ain't missing much.
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First, let me preface it. Apparently, Sean is congratulating himself for "playing me like a fiddle" and getting me to talk about his site. The only thing I find interesting about that is....the NWWWO has Scaia on it's team.....Scaia is a Wrestlemaniac...why on EARTH would they need MY rinky dinky, only for the morons, column for promotion? I invite EVERYONE to go check out NWWWO.com for themselves...I don't care. If he feels that me exposing him as an insecure, over reacting twit is a GOOD way to promote his site, then mission accomplished. Judging from the response I got...a Hell of a lot of you guys will not be going back there. So Sean, you're welcome for the press...sorry you couldn't do much with it. Sean Shannon wrote a "final piece about me" where he basically felt the need to EXPLAIN HIS FIRST COLUMN......I guess we are just too stupid to understand what he was trying to say the first time around...it couldn't be because his last column was poorly written and all over the map. Uh uh..no way..he is WAY too good for that. Sean Shannon invited me to join the NWWWO.....WOW...you mean after ONLY a year even I could get 100,000 readers? WOW!!! Sign me UP!! But do I HAVE to have one of those stupid "alter egos"? Sean Shannon challenged me to write a "intelligent, thoughtful" column (I guess my rebuttal piece to NoSoul wasn't enough). Sorry Sean, but if I did that, my readership would crash out way below 100,000...and it wouldn't even take a year.. Last, but not least...will someone PLEASE E-Mail Herb Kunz and give him the news. All he has to do is respond just ONCE to Sean Shannon....just ONCE and he'll back right down like pussy. Herb, the kid is easy pickings....I promise. I'll keep making pot shots...within the column of course. No prob there...if anything, it'll keep things interesting. But for any detailed, "flame fests", I'll leave that to my boy, Jay Kirell. When it comes to being interesting, I'll put the BJC up against all you guys six days a week and twice on Sundays. Hell, I'll match Carrie and Spiffy up to ANYTHING you guys can come up with (Carrie and Spiffy can actually make it through a "thoughtful, witty, intelligent" column without mentioning how bad Bischoff sucks...a feat you're boys seem incapable of so far). The NWWWO....I expected a little bit more from you guys.....sigh....too easy.
And I TOLD you Shannon would never admit to being a huge fan of mine..but he is..you can tell..
Oh yeah...all this still doesn't change the fact that they are long-winded, pointless, and unnecessary...no wonder Scherer likes them.
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This is where I make a joke about Dana Hall's open letter dealing with her (ex?) Husband Scott Hall...but even I'm not DESPERATE enough to "parody" it for some cheap controversy...that would be too pathetic..even for me.
Okay, Poll Time. I usually give these things two weeks to run, but seeing how enormously LOPSIDED the second poll was....there was no point in going the deuce anyway. The first poll was always intended to run a week. So..
Poll 1: Should I keep ragging on other web sites...or should I leave them alone? This ran pretty even, with a slight edge going to "YES, KEEP BURNING THEIR ASSES!!!". Okay, I will..but after this week..I will NEVER devote more than a paragraph to any given web site or web guy. Of course, as I said above...there will be PLENTY of pot shots...because I'm good like that. No more long paragraphs though....unless I really feel it's needed....(I doubt it though, I don't take this thing seriously enough).
Poll 2: Which is the Superior Company?
Well surprise..WCW WON BY A LANDSLIDE!!!!!!!! IT'S UNBELIEVEABLE!! WCF'K'NW FANS CAME OUT IN FORCE AND TOTALLY SWEPT THE VOTING!!! THE INTERNET BELIEVES THAT WCW IS THE EBST DAMN COMPANY OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course not....WWF won....hands down. Let's break down the categories:
1: Talent: Most of you recognized that even though the WWF has more popular talent nowadays....WCW has more talent period. It was close, but...
WCW wins
2: Angles & Gimmicks: You all felt Vince was the better "heel" promoter. Most of you felt that Vince is doing more with his talent than Bischoff is, even though you did recognize that Vince never gave Vader a fair shake. Mero had THREE, count "em, THREE pushes to get himself over, so I can't blame Vince for not trying with the guy.
WWF wins
3: Booking: Bischoff does work for the family crowd..you guys saw that. most of you could not care less.
WWF wins
4: The Houses: Many of you refused to comment, because you don't go to house shows, the ones who did only went to one companies show for the most part.
Neither wins
5: PPV's: Most popular response....."Give me a FU&*%$# break! No contest"
WWF landslide wins
6: The Shows: Closer than you may think, but not close enough for any debate.
WWF wins
7: The Marketing: This was the toughest race. It boiled down to how many shirts you guys saw on the streets and on the racks....Austin or WCW....
WCW wins
8: The Divisions: Another tight one, but the edge went to you guys who are sick of seeing Goldberg pound on a jobber and hate the fact that Bischoff has decimated the tag team scene.
WWF wins
9: Websites, Hotlines, Magazines: Most of you don't know, most of you don't care.
Neither wins
10: The Announcers: Oh come on..you HAVE to ask? More than a few of you are willing to give Shane McMahon a shot to grow as an announcer before putting him before the firing squad. Also, apparently, some of you feel that there is STILL hope for the REAL Bobby Heenan to return.
WWF wins
11: Misc. People chose anything from Theme music to mic skills to commercial spots for this one. Still, majority rules again.
WWF wins.
There you go. Hey WCW...I REALLY tried to sell your product as best I could to an Internet crowd that you KNOW is biased against you. You probably saw these results coming a mile away (I sure did)....but at least you have the marketing and talent all sewn up so far...that's saying something.....now fire Schiavone and let Heenan loose...it's the LEAST you can do!
That's quite enough long winded, pointless, and unnecessary opening material to get the week going...(Geeze...I really WOULD fit in with the NWWWO wouldn't I?). Now it's time to dig deep into the bowels of Father Monday and see what he's been cooking for us. Grab your forks and hold your noses kids, because it's dinner time...served up nice and steaming hot by a man who owes his WHOLE ACT to the "real" brains behind the Mop-Up...none other than Mr. ADAM REITZ!!!!....he is my inspiration, my livelihood, and my teacher...TAKE A BOW, ADAM!!!!!! (little c*ck)
BIG ASS NOTE: ATTENTION: I've decided to do the column a wee bit differently this week....on a local radio show, a DJ performed that time honored stunt of drinking during thre show to see how legally drunk he could get in a 3 hour time frame. Well, that inspired me enough to go out and get a 30 pack of Red Dog today (on sale for $12.35). During the recap and the closer (which I haven't written yet), I'll tell you when I open a beer, finish the beer, and crack open another beer. I'll also keep tabs on just how many beers I drink as I go on. Anyone NOT think this is going to be a HELL of a column roughly around the second hour of Nitro? I ASSURE YOU, I am not trying to "be cool" by LYING to you and playing around here....when I tell you I'm drinking..I REALLY MEAN IT.....my hand to God...and on my Mother's soul...may she rest in peace.
So..it is Tuesday, 3:00 pm. est. . I now proceed to open beer #1.
-Beer #1 is now open....let us begin.
RAW IS WAR (or BLUE BLAZES!!!!!)
-Beer #1 is now finished
-Beer #2 is now open
-opens with video clipfest dealing with the same damn thing it's been dealing with since friggin' August...leading up and finishing with the Hospital room scene with Vince and Dr. Austin.
-which brings me to a another BIG ASS NOTE: Due to the fact that I really harbor no ill will to him or his lifestyle, I am announcing that for THIS WEEK...there will be a BAN on any and all PATTERSON jokes. I'm gonna be nice to the big guy, because I'm really a sweetheart like that.
-Ross's voice-over asks the ominous question, "Why has Vince McMahon asked "Stone Cold" Steve Austin here tonight? What trickery could he have up his sleeve?" (I don't know....could it beeee......QUARTERLY SPIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-We see a garage, and a horn blasting.
-Then the garage goes up and Vincent K (Not now, I'll have a toupee joke in here later) McMahon rolls in driving a Corvette (WCW must have leased all the Limousines in the Tri-State area....BISCHOFF, YOU BASTARD!!!!!! WHY MUST YOU SABOTAGE ALL OF VINCE'S PLANS?????)
-It's waaay too early for this crap.
-Vince's Corvette finds it's mark and parks in front of the camera. Out comes Gerald Brisco, Commissioner Slaughter, and the ever ebullient Pat Patterson (It's NOT A GOOF!!! Look it up!!)
-Vince saddles into his wheelchair and rolls off, bitching all the way. Ross points out that Austin will be there tonight, and asks, "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GONNAS HAPPEN?" (umm..we all turn to see Sting team with the Warrior? How's that?)
-Heading to the ring to start the action off were the New Age Outlaws, back and BETTER THAN EVER BABY!!!!!!!!
-well....back at least. Bad Ass looked pretty bored with the whole affair.
-BUT...he did say that they were back together by having the crowd scream, "SUCK IT"...I mean, I guess then they really are BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Beer #2 finished. Plug in a dip of Copenhagen
-Out come out (whaa?) LOD 2000 with Hawk in street clothes and makeup. Darren "Puke" Drozdov came out in Hawk's stead...dressed to the nines and looking like....well.....looking like Hawk from about 10 years ago. Still, I'd call it a step backwards......but I can't even afford to pay my rent this month (How's THAT for a non sequential line ? How's THAT for unfunny? God..that really was horrible wasn't it).
-Hawk took a seat at the announcers table. Ross cut through the mushy crap and asked if hawk cared to explain himself. Hawk said that he just felt that he should chill out before HIS wife writes a open letter to be published online...which would be criticized by Dickhead Ryder and Dickhead Scherer for being too "inappropriate" for their Holy site to publish.....douchebags.....Sherer should stick with what he does best, knocking SCOOPS, posting House show results, and staring at his teenage daughter's chest.
-Hawk said that he was recovering from an addiction to pain killers...Lawler asked to smell his breath.....Hawk told him to shut up. (Damn, he is so much more cool when he's loaded).
-Apparently, addiction to pain killers did nothing to stunt Hawk's appetite. That boy is ROUND.
-Speaking of which......Beer #3 is now open.
-Did I mention that we are in Uniondale, Long Island? Well we are.
-No we're not....I'm in Rhode Island..you're wherever the Hell you are.....ahh, you know what I mean dammit.
-Ross had just enough time to mention that the entire LOD will be taking on the Disciples of Apocalypse and Paul Ellering when....
-Those three men ran out and attacked Hawk, Droz got into it...so did Animal eventually
-Meanwhile, the Headbangers ran in and clocked Road Dog with a boom box. The radio broke to pieces. Ross remembered that advertisers pay his mortgage and spent much of the time swearing up and down that they must not have been using JVC Boom Boxes because NOT ONLY ARE JVC KABOOM BOXES INDESTRUCTABLE, THEY ARE ALSO PROVIDERS OF THE BEST SOUND ANYWHERE!!! DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND PICK UP A JVC KABOOM BOX AT ANY QUALITY RETAIL CENTER FOR THE STAGGERING LOW PRICE OF $149.99. JVC KABOOM BOXES: THEY ARE IMPERVIOUS TO DAMAGE!!!!
-Oh yes, The Headbangers will be fighting NAO for the tag straps this Sunday...couples with the LOD/DOA six man funfest, this could very well be the BEST PPV EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-God...I feel so sleazy...so.....dirty
-Road Dog was bleeding from the attack.....he hid the razor in one of his dreadlocks.
-Bad Ass still looked disinterested.
-Who is Summo and why does he want head?
-Ross and Lawler do their damnedest to keep us away from TNT.
-We see Vince and his "posse" (yeesh) lounging in a dressing room, staring at a monitor.
-Kane arrives, dressed in a mask and snazzy jumpsuit, (Spawn of the Devil My ASS!!!! That boy is dressed SHARP).
-commercials
-The "Lethal Weapon" Steve Blackman makes his return to RAW without his glow in the dark drumsticks (He let Patterson use them in his absense..would YOU want them back?....oh come on..just one little joke? Just one...to get it out of my system.....there..all better now).
-Blackman (who is ALL man.....but as white as they come) is taking on the newly heeled Ken Shamrock in the first round of an 8 man IC belt tournament that's being held tonight.
-We see some past footage of these two guys going at it on RAW
-Out comes Ken Shamrock, who teaches us that breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth is a surefire way to gain admittance into the fabled "Zone"
-Who is Ridge Boy and why should we free him?
-Shamrock goes right to the offensive (Heels HATE to start cleanly). Blackman rebounds with kicks and grace...DAMN, that man is fluid.
-Beer #3 finished.
-Shamrock goes for the knee, and stays on the bleedin'' thing.
-A shoulderblock by Blackman, then he yells, "ARRRRRRRGH" out to the crowd.....they yawn.
-Shamrock wrenches the knee in a kindabutnotquite Ankle Lockthatwasreallymoreofakneewrenchbutyoupeopledon'tcareaboutthatallyouwantisyourp attersonjokesandyourreferencetotheunpredictablejohnnyrodzdon'toy?Isaydon'tyou?answermedammit.
-I forgot if I mentioned it already, so I'll mention it now, just in case....Blackman tapped out and Shamrock advanced. I think this was Blackman's first authentic loss, but I could be wrong.
-Then a masked man attacked Shamrock briefly, then Blackman more harshly. The masked guy was wearing a cape and damn near tripped all over the bloody thing.
-Masked man? Masked??
-Ohhhh yeeeeah baby...THE PATRIOT IS BACK, THE PATRIOT IS BACK!!!!!! AMWERICA IS RIDING TALL IN THE SADDLE ONCE AGAIN!!!! AMEEEEERICA, AMEEEEEERICA! GOD SHARE HIS GRACE ON THEEEE!! AN CROWWWN THY GOOD WITH BROOOOTHERHOOD! FROM SEA TO SHINNNNNY SEEEEEEEEEAAAA!!!!!
-Then Ross tells us that it's probably the Blue Blazer..who was Owen Hart's first WWF incarnation.....who is Canadian......Canadian.....OOOOH CAAAAAAANADAAAAAAA....YADDA YADDA YADDAAAAAAAA BLAAH BLAH BLA BLAHHH...whatever.
-Shamrock was left in the ring looking confused, Ross was left at the booth sounding confused, (and hungry to boot). Then Kenny slapped the Ankle Lock back on Blackman..because he's a BAD GUY...very bad...booooo, hiss, hiss, booooo
-We see the Undertaker walking into the building, and McMahon's boyz looking on.
-commercials
Chris Hyatte
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