Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

It just gets worse and worse...10/14/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -We see Terri Runnels giving a little sumtin' sumtin' to Val; Venis. God, does this guy have THE dream gimmick or WHAT? -Video clip montage/collage/lastnameSchottfirstnamemarge of Goldust, featuring his great victories over Razor Ramon and Roddy Piper (Some may point out that Piper actually won that match, how DARE YOU ruin this WCW F-YOU by pointing out the FACTS!!! Shut up and listen to what they tell you..Goldust DESTROYED PIPER AND CHASED HIS OLD ASS RIGHT TO WCW...F-YOU BISCHOFF, F-YOU,F-YOU,F-YOU) -Besides..how many of you now WISHED that Goldust did pin the old fart? Come on..raise those hands. -Why the Hell didn't they mention that he took apart the mighty SAVIO VEGA too? -Val Venis comes out with the two timing HUSSY!!!! A sign peaks out that reads, "HYA...... oooo, close, but no cigar...still it brings enough titillation to me (yes, that means my nipples got hard) to bring out the fact that... -Beer #4 is now open -Speaking of hard nipples....Terri Runnels was doing a damn fine Jennifer Aniston impression. -Venis grabbed the mic and said that with two hands and a face, his pecker will tell you the time.......I have no clue what that means, I'd better look it up in my Barry White Dictionary.... -All it says is "Sho "nuff' Babe"....... -Then Marc Mero sauntered out with his little trollop, wearing a Woman's title that is the cheapest thing that I have ever saw.....I guess the didn't want to splurge lest it somehow finds it's way in a WCW trash can again. -Jacqueline was wearing Sable's freshly chopped fake hair wrapped around her braided ponytail.....oooooo girlfrieeeeend wait until Sable gets her hands on that street HO!!! -Val tries a little freaky groove on Miss Jacky's thaang. Homegirl wasn't playin' that. -Mero held up his end pretty well, decent match, Then Terri hit the ring to distract Mero, The rest of us was distracted by her supple, rounded booty dance -The distraction paid off...I ran to the bathroom for a little.....umm......spit "n' polish -and Venis used the distraction to win, he also used a Fisherman's Suplex, (somewhere in Minnesota, Curt Hennig saw that, kicked in his TV screen, and screamed, "THAT'S MY FU&%$#@ FINISHER YOU CO^% SU&*$#@ ASSH*&^%%!!!!!!!!! He was so mad that he crapped in a bucket on his porch...now THAT'S MAD!! He also called Bischoff and said that his knee still hurts, so he won't be able to work for the next 5 months....so long as Curt didn't re-sign with Vince, Bischoff was cool with it) -On a totally unrelated subject, it's time for a little CARNAC!!!! -may I have the first envelope -the first...envelope -That ball is going, going, gone! -That ball is going, going, gone! -*rip* *puff* -What was the play by play during Rick Rude's testicle removal? -AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! HEEEOOOOOOO -May your daughter announce she's marrying Patterson!! -Yeah, yeah, yeah..so he didn't have his nuts removed, it was just a rumor....F-YOU -and said rumor was NOT started by Al Isaacs...by the way. -So I tossed in another Patterson line....whattayou want from me? -Then Jacky attacked Terri.....alas..the former Ms. York was in no league with the our luscious brown sugary Princess. -The were separated, then Venis "consoled" Terri....Mr. Conservative Ross sternly ordered them to get a room...he's no fun. -We see Paul Bearer arrive with a briefcase...for the 3 of you who really wondered where he's been hiding as of late. -Vince McMahon and his co-horts were discussing the Nitro Girls they would like to bump ugly with. Vince was heard to growl, "You don't have a clue about anything Patterson!".....I'm not even kidding. -commercials -Michael Cole kept a straight face when he complimented Sable on her "acting" performance in Pacific Blue.....Sable giggled a thank you. -Cole then asked if she would abandon the WWF for an acting career...Sable's eyes glazed over as she recited the mantra, "No-the-WWF-has-been-good-to-me-and-I-plan-on-staying-long-after-my-current-contract-expires-and-my-lifetime-dream-is-to-win-the-WWF-women's-title -Then she ran into a room nearby and yanked out Jacqueline -Apparently, Sable can grow her hair back at superhuman speed......in case you wanted to know. -and she yanked her right into the arena so the marks can flip over the gratuity of all this.... -The challenge for the cameras here was to see as much titty as possible without any nipple exposure...Jacky managed to get away...barely. Sable? Well......there was some real close calls...and a.......oh, hold on a second.. -Beer #4 finished -Beer #5 opened -commercials -Hmmmph, feeling a bit on the tipsy side, but feeling GOOD. -We were lucky enough to be shown the little girl fight again...($100 says this goes on in the Nitro Girls locker room all the fu&^%^$ time.) -Mankind made his way to the ring, and immedie....Immeda...immediately gave props to a kid with the sign, "FOLEY HAS GUTS". Ross pointed out that we were in his hometown, so we DAMN WELL better cheer for him. (okay Jimbo! You got it! All together now, "GO MICKEY, GO MICKEY, GO MICKEY, GO MICKEY") -Because of hish...I mean HIS sparkling articulation and loquaciousness, (He can use the word "obfuscate" without looking like a jackass...a talent precious few people have). We were shown.... -...some pre-recorded chatter with Cole and Foley...Mick poo-pooed Shamrock's chair smashing abilities, then whipped out Socko because the crowd popped for it so loudly last week. -Back to the ring, Mark Henry came out to forge battle with Mankind....BUT first.. -Mark Henry had a pre-recorded poem for Chyna...to wit: "Roses are red" "Violets are blue" "I ain't gonna stop" "'till I blacktop all over you", "you and that fine ass" -Dylan Thomas would've been proud.....drunk, but proud -It took about 15 seconds of the match before Chyna loped out to watch over the proceedings. Ross screamed that Mark Henry will now be distracted.....someone forgot to tell Henry that little key fact though, 'cause he ignored her. -In the end, Foley took off his shoe, took off his sock, showed it to be Mr. Socko...and scored the win with the enhanced Mandible Claw. Lawler called it the "World's Strongest Sock"..i was surprised Ross didn't take the beautiful opportunity to remind Lawler of his sock and feet kissing days....oh well. -Mankind left, Chyna hit the ring and looked at Henry. She asked what the Dilly-Yo was...Henry made like Bischoff and said that it was all in the courts hands now.... -We see Steve Austin arrive in a cement truck....anyone NOT see this coming (or something like this at least) when Vince pulled in at the top of the show? -Austin was wearing a RED Austin 3:16 shirt (Red? RED??? MY GOD!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYT........oh FU** it....aren't we all just a LITTLE sick and tired of that by now?). -commercials -Vince's crew are noticeable shaken from the Austin arrival. Slaughter falls down over Vince's leg.....Patterson apologizes for tripping him and quickly zips up. (Oh F-You...if I don't tell these jokes, who will? Zimmerman?) -Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring to play his little role in the IC tourney...I grab a sign that reads, "YOU FEAR THE BJC" (HA!! Nice to see Kirell make his presence felt in the big show...either that or it was Al Isaacs holding up the sign...he is SUCH a Kirell mark). -Beer #5 killed -X-Pac came out to give Jarrett a reason to be in the ring. They tussled. -Boy...X-Pac can sell the SH** out of those bumps. -Beer #6 opened -X-Pac went for the Bucking Blowj*b...but flew right into Jarrett's foot....crotch first...GODDAMN I SAY GODDAMN!!!!! -Jarrett went under the mat, and pulled out a guitar case. He popped it open and... -Head was looking right at him.....as Jarrett stared at it, all the while regretting EVER leaving WCW.... -The little Peccer rolled him up for the pin. Then Al Snow ran in, grabbed his Head, and ran out..all smiles.... -somewhere in this mess....hour number 2 arrived -uh oh...pee break.....be right back -I'm back.....Beer #6 killed. What? You never drink beer on the can? YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?? GO F-YOURSELVES!!!!! -By the way, this Jarrett/Snow thing is one of those "let's start a mini-feud just for the sake of starting a mini-feud" that PERMEATED the WWF in the 80's.....I didn't like it then and I DIDN'T LIKE IT NOW!!! -And I also thought Jarrett would make a peachy IC champ....call me crazy if you wish. -Anyone catch the sign that read, "WILL PLOW SNOW FOR HEAD"...the thing is...IT WAS A GUY HOLDING THE SIGN!!! brrrrrrrr...douchechills. -No need to get into great detail here..you all know what happened by now....Austin took his cement truck and poured the cement into Vince's "Vette. Vince sold the shock/outrage nicely. I don't care what you say...wrecking a "Vette like that has GOT to cost a chunk of change. -The cement went in..which was a FANTASTIC visual.....my favorite part was when the windows broke from the pressure. -Austin left the cement running and left the truck.... -commercials -WWF Rewind was what just happened to the car...must have been a slow week. -Austin came out to explain his heinous actions (Jesus..I'vr been listening to Ross WAAY too much) -Stevo made a WEAK ASS comment about the "Austin 3:16 Construction Company" supplying the truck...I heard he uses Non-Union Illegal Aliens....in case you want to F the Teamsters....and if you do, I hope you're life insurance is paid up....(oh weak Hyatte...weak, weak, weak...time for another brew...well, don't mind if I do!). -Beer numero 7 cracked open -Austin promised to make Vince's life a living Hell because he ain't no Bret Hart...oh wait a second... -THERE IT IS BROTHER!!!!! ANOTHER HYATTE SIGN!!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU REPORT THAT MR. ZIMMERMAN? HUH? HUH? CAT GOT YER TONGUE???? -Three weeks in a row...MAN! -of course, that was Jay Kirell, paying his respects. BJC is da MAN!! And he is way cooler than the NWWWO. say what you want about him....at least he ain't boring. -Of course, it could have also have been Al Isaacs...and it bloody well should...because Al knows that I'm the FU**%$# SHOW HERE!!! I AM SCOOPS NOW, AND IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT, THEY CAN ALL KISS MY A(EDITED BY SCOOPS BECAUSE HYATTE KNOWS HIS ASS WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT US. WE FEEL HE NEEDED THIS LITTLE REMINDER) WITH BBQ SAUCE DAMMIT!!!! -So Austin goes on a bit more....how he'll be the guest ref and he just may end up raising his own damned hand at the end of the match....yadda yadda yadda and.... -Out comes Vincent K (During my hospital stay, my toupee was placed on 24 hour suicide watch) Mcmahon in a wheelchair with a big man in a black mask behind him. -Austin made his way to his Chiefness.... -Then Vince brought out two security men with KILLER, DEADLY, K9 ENFORCEMENT GERMAN SHEPARDS German???? If this was WCW Goldberg would NEVER(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR OUR OWN DAMN PROTECTION!!! WE ARE SORRY, SORRY, SORRY FOR THIS). -Austin charged, Vince barked, "SIC "IM, GET "IM, SIC "IM, SIC "IM!!!" -Then Vince glanced backstage and screamed, "NOT YOU PATTERSON..GET BACK TO THE DRESSING ROOM!!! AND FOR GOD'S SAKES, PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!!!!!" -Honestly, the dogs seemed more intent at barking at each other. -Vince chastised Austin for wrecking one of his Corvette's....then said that he was going to wrestle tonight with the Rock against Kane and the UT (Haven't we seen this before? Like EVERY FRIGGIN' WEEK FOR THE LAST FRIGGIN' SUMMER???? AND WHY AM I USING THE WORD FRIGGIN' SO MUCH???) -Then Vince said that he hoped Austin had a rear view mirror tonight, because he's gonna need "eyes in the back of his head" (SWEET JESUS......PATTERSON WILL BE UNLEASHED TONIGHT!!!!! FOR CHRISSAKES!!! PUT THOSE DAMN KIDS TO BED!!!!!!) -The crowd started to chant "ASSHOLE"......Austin pointed out to Vince that they were calling him an "ASSHOLE". I had no idea that you could use the word "ASSHOLE" on TV. Does that mean I can use the word "ASSOLE" online? -Vince gave me a chuckle when he said that because of Kane and the UT crushing his ankle, he may never "play another polo match" ever again. -oooofa...gotta pee again. be right back. -There ya' go..... -Two quotes worth noting, if not for the salesmanship behind them.... -"My head is still ringing........from that.......BEDPAN you hit with me. -Ross, "Bedpan! Bedpan McMahon" -"And my rectal area......." (fans pop, Ross wakes up, "WHAT?", Lawler, "Oh No!!")....when you stuck........YOU VIOLATED ME AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME!!!....GOD...DAMN....OPEN HOSPITAL GOWN!!!" -I could make a quip, a jest, a humorous Patterson analogy, or even a humorous Sean Shannon analogy...but I'll tell ya'...YOU DON'T MESS WITH PERFECTION BABY!!!!! -Need I say...LINE OF THE NIGHT -Vince wrapped things up by saying that he GUARENTEES that Austin will be FIRED this Monday if he doesn't raise the hand of the new WWF champion this Sunday!!!! -Meanwhile, the MERCILESS, KILLER ATTACK DOGS started to lick themselves.....rumor has it that Patterson was seen running to the entrance way with a can of Alpo and his fly down...but those rumors were unfounded (and certainly NOT started by Al Isaacs) -Austin told Vince that he didn't have the BALLS to fire Steve Austin...(the censors chimed in with a bleep..they had more than enough of this crap) -Vince told Austin that he had, "balls the size of Grapefruits" (The censor must have fainted dead away "round this time. -Then Vince blew my FU**ING mind when he said, "And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your TEETH!!!!!!"..................... -.............................................. -................................................ -................................................. -................................................ -............................................. -......sorry...I was just getting over a MAJOR Z-Smooth flashback.....it's....ahhh.....err.....excuse me for a second.... -Beer #7 Killed...QUICKLY -Beer #8 Opened...QUICKLY -Beer #8...Killed...QUICKLY -Beer #9...Opened... -ahhh...better -Vince re-iterated the fact that Austin will be sh*tcanned if he don't do his duty Sunday..then took off....Austin stared a bit, then took off himself.. -AND..a sign was seen that read, "HYATTE AND BJC?????" I don't know WHAT that sign wuz implyin'...but let me please make perfectly clear, despite WHAT Sean Shannon's psychological profile of me states (he must of learned how to read people by listening to the Spice Girls)....I ain't...no....FAG!!!!!!!!!! -Although I DO get teary eyed listening to Streisand...and I DO enjoy the comic stylings of Jm J Bullock. -AND I LOVE LIZA DAMN YOU!!!!!! -commercials -Jim Ross apologizes for the nasty language used in the last segment....especially to his Momma. Lawler helped recap everything Vince said during the last break. -El Rod comes out with Terri for round two....that NO GOOD HEEL Ken Shamrock runs out and attacks him from behind...'tis a brawl of unspeakable proportions. -They fight near the entrance way... -They bring it to the ring... -Shamrock puts Val in the Boston Crab -Venis crawls his way to the ropes -Shamrock brings it back to the center -Venis struggles again and eventually scores -Shamrock puts on the Ankle Lock...Venis taps out...(Call me nutso..but I do believe this be his royal penis's first lost). -Ross and Lawler kill time... -Terri is consoling Val in the ring...when all of da' sudden... -The music blares... -and out comes GOLDUST.....pretty quickly, as if someone realized that they were racing against the clock... -GD hit the ring -GD starts crawling around.....Val looks like a guy who just realized that he was in the wrooooooooooong strip club -GD propped Val up on the second corner turnbuckle...felt his own chest up..then KICKED HIM RIGHT IN THE CORNER PAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Well, it was SUPPOSED to be in the "nads.....but I'm sure the SHOCKWAVE made the Big Valbowski sing for it's supper. -Jeers go to the camera guy who ruined all sorts of belief by sticking so close to Val...so as to see the corner pad clearly be hammered -his whole thing seemed kind of rushed....not the Goldust return in general, just this particular segment...kind of ruined it for me. -By the way...say goodbye to Beer #9 -Again, this all just offers further proof to the tragic irony...A rough tough Son of an American Dream can only REALLY score as an Androgynous, sexually ambiguous, drone. Alas...alas. -we see the Rock waiting to verbally lay the smack down on the English language....I don't think he's wearing any pants?!? -And we also see Vince and his crew mourning the death of his Corvette. Mankind is there, and he's goes diving in the muck to look for Vince's keys. Meanwhile, Patterson was by the tailpipe, busy taking notes.....he found the results of filling a cavity with cement VERY interesting. -commercials (pee break too) -Beer #10 -The Rock dealt with everything he was supposed to deal with tonight..and also had words with Mark Henry and D-Lo...who showed up asking if he had Faarooq's fax number handy. -Mankind came out for round two...we are treated to footage from his defeat of Mark Henry in round uno. -X-Pac came out limping...Ross made sure we were aware of that fact. -They brawl, they beef, they wage battle, they jump around like kids hopped up on Coca-Cola. -Mankind grabbed a chair..Ross told him not to do that....Mankind ignored him -X-Pac tried the Bronco Buster again...this time he scored. -COME ON FOLEY!!!!! I WANT FOLEY TO WIN FOR A CHANGE!!! COME ON DAMMIT!!! GIVE FOLEY THE BELT!!!!! -Shamrock came out to make faces at them....and he performed that duty well. -He also chaired Foley in the leg... -Which gave X-Pac the roll up win....(BOOOOOO HISSSSS..BOOOOOOO) -Then Shamrock attacked X-Pac and belly to bellied him. -Then Shamrock wrapped his legs around X-Pac's neck and arm...which did damage to his neck. Foley threw a chair in their, but nobody paid any attention. -McMahon's men showed up to keep Mankind out of the fray....the led him away. -Shamrock released the hold just in time for the second to last set of... -commercials -Triple HHH came out on crutches to give support to X-Pac. Waltman was still on the ground, but was insistent that he was, "ready to Goddam go" against Shamrock....so the bell rang again and HHH took a spot at the Announcer table. -HHH promised us that X-Pac was the most resilient sumbitch in the WWF...and that he has wrestled for months with a broken neck at one point. -aw Hell...gotta pee again. -Trip H insisted that Vince pulled a Bischoff on him and never directly informed him that the IC belt would be stripped from his supple waist (did I just say that?) -X-Pac waged a comeback, didn't really add to much though.... -Ankle Lock.....ropes.....hold was broken -Ankle Lock again......Trip H SWORE that X-Pac wouldn't give up..... -X-Pac gave up...Shamrock becomes IC champ....and why Bloody NOT? -Look at it this way...now Shamrock is a rulebreaking, ALL SORTS OF BIG TIME DEADLY snappish Ultimate Fighting champ..methinks he'll have a loooong IC title reign.....or he'll lose this Sunday. Either way is cool with me. -Shamrock went off...having a few words along the way with Kirell, who was holding his "HYATTE" sign I'm SURE Kenny was complimenting him on his choice in Internet columnists.....af'k'n'-HEM -We see Kane and the UT waiting for their match. -commercials -Kane hits the ring... -Undertaker hits the ring...they stare each other down. -The Rock comes out.... -and that other guy comes out....you know..that Goldberg rip off. -Rock "n' Austin hang outside and consider their options.....aw screw it, they run in and attack... -Paul Bearer showed up to check things out.... -The Rock was right in the middle of the People's Elbow...then the UT sat up just before he cropped it...Rock kicked him back down, then delivered it. Nice small little douche...I mean touche...I mean touch -D-Lo and Mark Henry came out to help end things before the show went off the air. -And there shucking.... -And there jiving....with the Rock taking a good chunk of the beatings. -Austin was tagged in, the Rock found his way into the hands of Henry and D-Lo...they took him out of the rest of the match. -It was Austin two on one.....Ross was going hoarse -Then Vince's security guard waltzed in..and clobbered Austin with a nightstick...(A NIGHTSTICK??? YOU DON'T MEAN????) -The man ripped off his mask...at was RAY TRAYLOR!!!!! RAY TRAYLOR IS HERE AND IS FINALLY GOING TO MAKE THE NWO PAY FOR ALL THE EVIL DEEDS THAT THEY HAVE ACCOMPLISHED!!!! OH DEAR GOD!!! MOURN FOR THE NWO!! THEIR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh sh*t....the NWO hasn't infiltrated the WWF yet (more like the other way around)..BUT IN CASE THEY DO!!! TRAYLOR IS THERE TO STOP THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -By the way...he's called the Big Bossman again.... -By the way...he was twirling that nightstick with a VENGEANCE....it HAS been awhile after all. -So Kane and the UT kept up the big double team.....UT had a lazy ass leglock on Austin as Kane kicked away and the Bossman watched. McMahon showed up smiling...Ross called him a sonafa......then stopped himself. He DID manage to scream, "MY GOD!! THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE" before... -the show ended. Good show, fine show...nothing wrong with it. Allow me to take another pee break and kill Beer #10, then we shall venture off to the wonderment, the excitement, the melodramatic symphony that is...NITRO!!!!!!! Chris Hyatte
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