Raw Mop Up

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Mop-Up RAW


"Tried to read your column but couldn't get past the bulls**t to find out what happened on RAW. Wasn't sure if it was a wrestling column or just some trying to be funny ramblings. Too many good writers out there to waste any more time on you, though some stuff was kind of funny. Kind of."

Greg Stewart gstewart@ds-creative.com

"I really enjoyed scrolling through your article. In fact after the first two pages that is all I could stand doing. I grow so tired of reading the weekly attacks on WCW that are so common on the Scoops page. I thought when I first subscribed to Scoops that is exactly
what I would be getting. I thought I would be hearing all the news and gossip first hand before anyone else. But what I really get is the useless opinions from people that are obviously sucking Vinnie Macs personals or getting it up the *** and loving it. I personally watch both shows and could find a lot wrong with both if I wanted. I could'nt
care less what you or anyone else 'Thinks' about WWF or WCW. I just want to hear the facts and only the facts. Try reporting on a non-biased basis and see what happens. But remember that your benefits from Vince might be cut off. I hope to see better issues in the
future or just cancel my subscription. You can forward this to all of the writers at Scoops"

Rick r.kirkland@excite.com

Subscription? Say what?

Try being non-biased and see what happens?

Well, Iíd lose my entire audience within a month for one.

Iím Chris and this is the Deep-Throat. Itís a slow week and Iím not really into discussing much of anything. So howís about a couple of quick openers and then weíll dig in..

First, there will be another edition of "And Another Thing" posted early next week, hopefully Monday. Itíll be an explanation as to why the WWF seems to be to preferred company on the Web. Iíll do this WITHOUT bashing WCW or praising the WWF in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM. Youíll see what I mean.

Which brings me to this point. Do NOT expect all of my "AAT" columns to have an ironic twist or a surprise at the end..and donít expect them to be all as good as the Blanchard piece two weeks ago. The next one Iím writing has no twists at the end and it isnít telling a story...itíll be a simple essay dealing with my theory as to why the Internet is filled with WWF loyalists. It has NOTHING to do with WCWís content either. Hell, it barely has anything to do with WCW at all. Nor does it really have anything to do with the WWF. See, you are intrigued now.

Of course, itíll be an awesome piece...because where it comes to writing about this sport...especially on the Web...nobody...and I mean NOBODY can touch me. Only four columns in and I already took it over. Praise the Lord and I DO mean Allah!

I received a copy of the book "A Mencken Chrestomathy" by H.L. Mencken. Itís a series of writings pertaining to...well...I donít know. All I know is that the person who sent me this swears by this guy. Since Iím always up to learn something new...I am honored that
someone thought I would want to meet this guy.

What makes this REALLY cool is who sent it to me. This book was a gift from none other than The "Reverend" Billy Wirtz.....the musical director from Bischoffís talk show fiasco. My thanks to the good Rev....

I donít usually get into things like this...but itís like gulping whiskey and dissecting Blake into the wee hours at a Poetry Slam..you donít want to do it all the time, but when you do, there is nothing else on the planet thatís cooler.

Itís kind of like going to the playground to watch the little tykes swing on the Jungle Gym.......sometimes,you DONíT open your trenchcoat and show them what happens when you rub the pee pee....ITíS CALLED A CHANGE OF PACE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

I was on ICQ last week and was talking to my buddy, Eric Benner. He and I were discussing each otherís respective sites and we got into a debate over how well known he is. I think he is pretty well known and he thinks that he is only a little well known. So, if you wouldnít mind...if you know who he is...write to him and let him know you care. I would tell you where he is, but that kind of contradicts the point of this exercise.

The closer is an experiment, of sorts....itís also something that many of you already read before, but many of you havenít. Either way, itís another one of my INTERACTIVE closers which YOU can participate in.....if you want.

Thatís it. Weíre making it a quick one this week. Not much to say really. Things are quiet. Other than the fact that Howard Stern seperated from his wife. Anyone who heard his show Monday were treated to an honest, emotional, heartfelt look into the ramifications of a marriage in trouble between two people so obviously in love. It was captivating radio.

I guess I had better get married to someone..then get seperated...if I am to keep up my habit of ripping him off.

RAW IS WAR: (or: My God....thereís a "Darky" in my backyard!!!!)

-we see that someone handed "Walker: Texas Ranger" his arse....maybe he had another one of those flashback episodes and found himself fighting Bruce Lee again? Itís lucky that Lee kicked it when he did...because there is no way in HELL he could have handled
the ponytailed dynamo that is STEVEN SEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-WWF: One World minus two writers

-Little time is wasted as we head right into....

-A CONVERSATION!!!!!! BECAUSE THIS IS PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING
DAMMIT!!!!!!!

-Between Vincent K. (From the side, it looks like Iím in a wind tunnel) McMahon and the New Age Outlaws. Billy Bad A$$ and Road Dog are demanding a shot against the tag champs tonight. Vince sniffed that Edge and Christian will be fighting for the titles. So Road Dog asked for anyone..tough enough...then suggested The Rock and Mankind.
Vince stated that Mankind is booked to fight HHH for the (and you will note the dramatic tone Vince took) WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP" (oooo...important)

-Then Hunter Hearse Helmsley showed up in a leather jacket and what looked to be an open dress shirt. He was clutching a piece of paper and bi**hing about something when Vince interrupted him and snarled, "WHOA WHOA WHOA...WHO TOLD YOU TO GO BACK TO DRESSING LIKE A CONNECTICUT BLUEBLOOD??? I WAFFLED THAT GIMMICK TWO YEARS AGO!!!!!!!"

-HHH wanted the night off.....Vince pointed out that usually, fighting Mankind one on one usually means hitting him on the head with a chair 50 times then itís straight to the Hotel bar.

-Thatís not good enough for HHH....the NAO kids bust his nuts...HHH tells them to "shut up"...Bas A$$ says that his daddy can beat HHHís daddy....HHH kicks his books out from under his arms....shall we grow UP now?

-It all ended with Vince booking "on the spot" the NAO against The Rock and Austin. Vince also took a very quick second to adjust his rug. The hairline loses more precious, precious ground.

-Backstage again..(what is this....NITRO????????). This time, the Godfather kicks down a door to see Mark Henry being fondled by a gaggle of white women. Ladies and Gentlemen.....this is...beyond a SHADOW of a doubt...each and every white manís single, ultimate, WORST nightmare. WE JUST CANíT MEASURE UP!!!! WE KNOW IT!!!!! WE KNOW IT!!!!!!

-well.....second worst...the first would be if you change "Mark Henry" to "a white man" and "a gaggle of white women" to "a gaggle of Mark Henrys".....THEN youíll see grown men pee in the pants and cry like a two year olds.

-Opening theme....still the most indecipherable lyrics in all of recorded television themes. Why couldnít they do something light? Bouncy? Fun for the whole family? Something like...like....

-WELL THE WORLD WONíT MOVE TO THE BEAT OF JUST ONE DRUUM...WHAT MIGHT BE RIGHT FOR YOU, MIGHT NOT BE RIGHT FOR SOOOME. A MAN IS BOOORN...HEíS A MAN OF MEANS...THEN ALONG COME TWO..THEY GOT NOTHING BUT THE JEANS...BUT THEY GOT...DIFFíRENT STROOOKES IT TAKES..DIFFíRENT STROOOKES IT TAKES....DIFFíRENT STROKES TO MOVE THE WORLD.

-Fans....fireworks....Jim Ross....aw screw it..Iím not ready to stop singing....

-NOW EVERYBODY GOT A SPECIAL KIND OF STORY...EVERYBODY FINDS A WAAAAY TO SHIIIINE. IT DONíT MATTER WHATíCHA GOT...NOT A LOT? SO WHAT. THEYíLL HAVE HAVE THEREíS YOUíLL HAVE YOURíS AND IíLL HAVE MIIIIINE....AND TOGETHER WEíLL BE FINE IT TAKES...DIFFíRENT STROKES TO MOVE THE WORLD...YES IT DOES IT TAKES...DIFFíRENT STROKES TO MOVE THE WORRRRRLLLLLLLD

-HMMMmmmmm

-ahh that Alan Thicke....he shouldíve been the 6th Beatle.

-Fans....fireworks....Jim Ross. Catch the sign that reads "FINALLY THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO OUR CRAPPY LITTLE STATE".....Really, where are they? Ohio? Florida? Pennsylvania? How come neither show ever goes to Maine? Or Alaska? Or Hawaii? Or New Hampshire? Vermont? Wyoming? Where are they? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHICH LITTLE STATE IS CONSIDERED CRAPPY?????

-Ross sez that they are at the Providence Civic Center in Providence RI....wait a second...I LIVE HERE!!! THIS IS MY GODDAM CRAPPY LITTLE STATE!! DAMMIT..WHY COULDNíT SCOOPS GET ME BACKSTAGE???? WHY COULDNíT SCOOPS SNAG ME SOME FREE TICKETS!!!! I WORK MY FRICKIN FINGERS TO THE FRICKINí BONE AND I NEVER GET ANY COOL SWAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I wouldnít have gone...BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE!!!!!!!

-Of COURSE this is Providence....no signs that read HYATTE LIVES
HERE...douchebags. I hate these people.

-I also recognize a lot of people...many of them I threw out of the various clubs I bounced at back in the day.

-If I wasnít convinced that youíd be bored out of your shoes..Iíd tell you about the joke Providence has for a Mayor here. After years of rampant corruption and blatant kickbacks..he FINALLY has the FBI in town and breathing down his Italian neck....itís a real hoot watching his toupee glue run down his forehead during nervous press conferences.

-Mayor Vincent "Buddy" Cianci...yes, thatís his name...I swear to God. He looks EXACTLY like Mayor Quimby from "The Simpsons".

-Iíd LOVE to tell you about the time 2 months ago when a load of seized cocaine MAGICALLY turned up after being missing for 4 months......it MAGICALLY turned up just scant minutes before Cianci was about to have a Press Conference admitting to having no idea what happened to it. Welcome to Goober Central.

-As I write this...(late as usual)...John Booker is just starting to warm up in the Bullpen. Canít wait to see New York give him the warm reception his hillbilly arse so rightfully deserves

-I swear....there are two types of people in the world...those from Atlanta...and the rest of us who hate the Braves with a vengeance.

-Hey rednecks..guess what...THE NORTH KICKED YOUR CONFEDERATE
BUNGHOLES!!!!!!!!! THIS AINíT YOUR COUNTRY MOTHERFUDGAS!!!! WE
JUST ALLOWED YOU TO STAY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-This is MY home state and not one F-ing sign......a-holes...Iím going to beat the sh*t out of each and every one of you starting tomorrow.

-COME ON YANKEES!!!! DONíT LET THOSE RACIST BASTARDS WIN AT
YANKEE STADI....

-Good..someone just beamed a two run shot off Glavine....tied ballgame.

-commercials...here comes Rocker

-two words....F-WRESTLING!!!! THIS IS THE CIVIL WAR ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!

-Jeter bounces a single into center field...Rocker can go F-his mother.

-OíNeil just bunts himself into a double play...Christ

-COME ON BERNIE!!!!!!! THIS AINíT FOR THE TITLE..THIS IS FOR PRIDE!!!!!!!

-Pop fly...third out....crap. Tied game going into the ninth.

-Is there any FAGS in Baseball? If Iím gonna recap this..letís recap it RIGHT!!

-Don Zimmer..doesnít he hump Gerbils? Isnít that his story? HOMO!!!!!!!!

-Chipper Jones....why "Chipper"? Did he chip his tooth on someoneís pecker? IS HE A HOMO?????????

-Or does "Chipper" mean that heís always in a good mood? Heís always happy? Heís always GAY??????????????

-?????????????

-HA!!! Caught the base stealer at second!!! BOOYAAAAHHH

-Chipper Jones goes down swinging.....ainít so happy now is he?

-Those disgraceful Indian mocking pricks go down 1-2-3....bottom of the ninth. Rocker is a pu$$y.

-commercials

- Arrgh...Chili Davis goes down swinging....DAMMIT!!!

-What the FU** kind of name is "Tino" anyway?

-3 balls and a strike...come on tiny...you have some room to groove now

-He pops out....what a jerk.

-another pop out..extra innings....Steinbrenner just had the remains of Billy Martin exhumed and rehired his arse..just so he could FIRE IT AGAIN!!!!!!

-Frigginí Braves..they NEVER went down easily......not since Columbus landed.

-Whoís Bob Costasí color man? Who was the guy who brilliantly said, "All the Braves need now is a run!"....NOOOO...REALLY????????

-Yankees got out of there with a man on first....bottom of the tenth...letís finish this so I can get back to this dumb arse wrestling show.

-Well...Rockerís out....didnít get much done in the Big City now did he? No wonder he hates it.....he canít HANDLE IT!!!!!!

-You know...I wonder how much $$$$ the members of Queen who DIDNíT die from AIDS get every time one of there songs are played at a baseball of basketball game?

-CHADHARRIS WITH THE HOMERUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE YANKEES WIN!!!!!!!! OPEN THE GATES!!!!!!!! THE SLAVES ARE FREE, YOU REDNECKS!!!!!!! FREE
THOSE DAMN SLAVES YOU BACKWARDS ARSED INBREDS!!!!!!!!!!

-Jim Gray tried to talk to Chad Harris about his homerun...Harris said that the guys decided not to talk to him because of what he did to Pete Rose..then dedicated the game to his Grandmother and took off. Gray asked his back if he wanted to talk about the Homerun....Bob Costas AWKWARDLY said goodbye for the night.

-Gray was DISSED!!!!!!! AMEN!!!!!!!!! LEAVE PETE ALONE DAMMIT!!!! HE
ONLY MADE A FEW BETS!!!! STRAWBERRY SHOVELS COKE UP HIS NOSE
BY THE TRUCKLOAD..AND HE STILL PLAYS!!!!!! GIVE ROSE HIS SLOT IN
COOPERSTOWN DAMMIT!!!!!!! HEíS CHARLIE HUSTLE FOR CHRISSAKES!!!!!

-One last thing before I get back to RAW...Jim Gray was the guy who talked to Tyson and his cronies the night he bit off Holyfieldís ear. He was the first announcer I ever saw pinch a loaf of the brown thunder in his rent-a-tux in the middle of an interview. Gray is
a LOSER!!!!

-Letís call the above segment "FOUL BALLS"...because the former user of that title up and left his site high and dry...so Iím taking it..itís mine now....F-em

-okay..that was a fun change of pace...back to RAW

- "Dear Loser F**k Hyatte, if I wanted to read about the World Series, I would go to a Baseball website. Wrestling fans want to know about WRESTLING you stupid SH** not baseball....thanks for wasting my TIME with your-nowhere-near-as-funny-as Zimmerman-even-though-Zimmerman-isnít-really-funny a$$. I hope you are gang humped by a squadron of Latin Kings. You suck"

-cut, paste, sign, send...there, all the hard work is done.

-Jeezus..the show barely started and Iím already 6 pages into this....

-The Godfather came out with Mark Henry and...

-the very same gaggle of Hoes we saw 30 seconds ago. Bad haircuts, fat arses, saggy boobs.....welcome to Providence.

-sadly..I paid for lap dances by each and every one of those. The last one sat on my boner and nearly broke the damn thing.

-Three of them will take it in the seat for an extra $10....or lunch at McDonalds.

-GF asked if there were any "pimps up in dis house"? Yes, thereís one..heís the Chief of Police.

-What can they do to me? NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

-Midean and Viscera came out. Scherer reported that Midean was recently re-signed by Vince. Donít want Russo swiping up THAT prize.

-Viscera got on the mic.....he said, "Hey, Hey, Hey....Iíve got a song to sing to youuuuu, and Billís gonna show ya a thing or twoooooo. Weíll have some fun now...with me and all the gannnnga....learning from each other.....while we do our thingggga NA NA NA GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIIIIIME HEY HEY HEEEYYYY NA NA NA GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIIIIIIIIIME!!!"

-Oh come now...the boy sounds EXACTLY like Fat Albert...donít you DARE tell me that Iím reaching here.

-I just referenced TWO theme songs from the 70ís......and we just barely got started. THIS IS WHY I AM THE FU**ING KING!!!!!!!!

-Viscera challenged GF to put ALL the Hoes on the line for this match. Does anyone realize that this is TOTALLY illegal and downright FELONIOUS???

-Viscera told Mark Henry that if he did win, Henry could have all the Hoes all night long.

-The girls stepped out of the ring. Lawler wished that he could have a "meaningful overnight relationship" with the one in red. He didnít almost snag the election for nothing folks!

-Incidentally, The Andy Kaufman bio flick "Man On The Moon" is due out in a month or so...look for a MAJOR Lawler promotional tour. I even heard that both Jerry and Jim Carey might show up on Letterman for a huge head trip of a show. If all goes well, it should put Letterman over Leno once and for all.

-Viscera beat the Godfather after Mark Henry interfered.....then Henry splashed a downed Godfather. BROTHERS....YOU HAVE GOT TO UNITE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-God..where is Faarooq when you need him....WE NEED THE NATION OF
DOMINATION BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Two girls stayed with GF as the rest left with the Brothers......which is two more than the number of girls who stuck with me after Anthony Sasso made me strip naked and walk down my street during rush hour with my 5 incher barely flapping in the wind...they went with the Italian stud while I was left to run home bare arsed......YOU STINKINí SLUTS!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Viscera came back into the ring and kicked a chick in the ribs...GOOD!!!!!!!!

-Viscera then belly splashed her....BRA-FRICKINí-VOOOOOOOO

-Viscera then took the other one and powerslammed her. If he moved his hand just a wee bit further south...we would have seen the worldís first living oven mitt.

-Viscera left, Providence booed him. Fakers..as if this whole state isnít filled with Homosexuals. Yeah RIGHT!!!

-The Rock is backstage. Ross screams about all the action that is coming our way.

-commercials

-The Rock is backstage. He is finally back in Providence...now where is BJ Honeycut? His dog has worms.

-Basically, the Rock said that he canít wait to see who has more Heat later tonight...him or Austin. He also said that he makes "chills run down Austinís arms"

-We see those two Hoes being loaded in an Ambulance.....throw a shot of my Father being handcuffed without his shirt on and you just described pretty much every Saturday night at my house from age 4-18.

-The Dudley boys are right there laughing it up. D-Von (NOT "Devon" as it was so politely explained to me by two observant readers) tells Buh Buh to "do that thing he do".....(apparently, Paul Heyman never explained the virtues of learning proper grammar to his workers). Which means that Buh Buh might not be stuttering for too much longer.

-Ross and Lawler solemnly explain why hitting women is NOT a good thing...well...Ross does...Lawler was strangely mum...(well..he IS from Memphis after all)

-The Hollyís come out to a good round of boos. I STILL liked it better when Hardcore would get in Paul Wightís face and start lecturing him. It was a real hoot.

-You think you know Edge? Well NO ONE DOES!!!!!! A YEAR IN THE COMPANY AND HIS CHARACTER HAS HAD ZERO DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VINCE DOESNíT EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

-IRONY OF THE NIGHT!!!! I hear Christianís real name is "Ira Shwarzstein". Upon entering the WWF, his Father quickly called and screamed, "I HAVE NO SON!!!!"

-We see the Hardy Boys and Terri Runnels (until she announces her maiden name) watching this from backstage. Technically, shouldnít the Hardyís be getting this shot?

-It didnít take long before they were attacked by the returning Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor (WOW....looks like I posted that snippet from their gay wedding script right on time didnít I? Sometimes..Iím so good I even amaze MYSELF!!!)

-Then the Hardy Boys ran in and a real brouhaha developed.

-Letís see....Edge and Christian (turncoat), The Hardys, the Hollys, The New Age Outlaws, Kane and X-Pac, The Headbangers, The Dudleys, (possibly) the Rock and Sock Connection, the Acolytes, and now Christopher and Taylor....unless Vince reverts back to his "Big Men Rule" rule....the WWF has a KILLER tag team line up.

-Sign seen that reads, "DROZ WILL WALK"....what a MARK!!!!!!

-backstage, Mae Young is talking to Moolah. They DARE us to switch to Nitro by going extreme closeup on them.

-commercials (and bloody thank the Queen MUM)

-Thereís a cage above the ring.....Ross calls it "ominous" for the 54th time in his career. 3 more times, and he ties Cosell.

-Michael Cole has both Moolah and Young (Godís cruel joke) in the ring. Moolah announces that sheís too damn old for this crap and says that sheís retiring.

-The sad part is.....I think I have a raging erection right now.

-Then Ivory came out with a broom....the erection is now gone....WHATíS WRONG WITH ME???????????? SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

-Ivory highlighted her hair......she looks a bit younger. Now Iím turtle shelling....WHAT THE FUDGE??????????

-Ivory claims that the broom belongs to Moolah and she found it in a Handicapped spot.

-Ivory claims that she is owed one rematch.....then she attacks Young....then she attacks Moolah..then the ref calls for the bell, then itís a title match....(didnít we see this at the PPV last night? MGTROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

-Two things of note...well three...

-1) Ivory won the belt back

-2) As she pinned Moolah...Young did this move where she was reaching for Ivory, but she couldnít let go of the top rope. As is usually the case, it looked awkward...but why hassle her? Sheís 90 years old.

-3) Young takes better bumps then Goldberg....damn that old bat can sell a fall. Gotta respect that.

-People criticized this nonsense....rightfully so, but itís just for camp folks. Thatís the difference here; WCW plays it for real....Vince played it for laughs (and probably a few little inside shots at Turnerís "Over 45" set).

-You HAVE to respect the Codgers.....you just do

-Hell...Iíd bang them both. Iíd need a gallon of Grain Alcohol and a bucket of bacon fat....but I could do it.

-Backstage, Prince Albert (with a newish look) is making sure that the Big Show understands that he is NOT the Big Bossman and that he is REALLY, REALLY SORRY about his father..so donít go postal on him. TBS was looking steamed.

-commercials

-WWF Attitude in 3D is coming soon. Itíll be the closest youíll ever come to getting a hot babe in your room......loser a$$ GEEKS!!!!!!!

-Stone Temple Pilots "No4" is out today....to think...suddenly THEY are cooler than Pearl Jam now.

-Boy...I WISH..someone would send me a copy of the new STP CD......THAT WOULD BE REALLY SWELL!!!!!!!!!! *wink F-ING wink*

-video package detailing the Big Showís anguish over the upcoming loss of his father...Sheeeit...that ainít real..when my Moms died..I danced on her grave then bought a car with the Inheritance.......NOW THATíS REAL!!!!!!!!

-ahem....the womanís head practically exploded within the span of 5 months.....it was truly the most awful thing a son can watch. Plus, now I can look forward to seeing if she passed the cancer gene onto me. SO FORGIVE ME IF I SEEM A BIT COLD BLOODED HERE!!!!!!!!!!

-The Big Show came out. I wish this "Cancer Angle" applied to my family...because I really could use a bit of the "Motherly Love" right now......she really knew how to put out.

-ITíS MY WAY OF HEALING PEOPLE!!!!! IíM SIMPLY HEALING!!!!!! MY
SCARS ARE MIGHTY DEEP MY FRIENDS!!!!

-Hey, call this cancer angle completely tasteless if you wish, but TBS hasnít had this much heat since he entered the company.

-Prince Albert came out.....TBS rained down the thunder on him.

-I caught a sign that read, "WCW FANZ KANT SPEL"......self effacing, ironic, funny....must be someone who drove in from Massachoozits.

-The Big Bossman came out with a mic and asked TBS if he was "looking for him".

-TBS charged out.....BBM held him back by holding up a pocket watch that he yoinked from his Pappy during a visit to the Hospital. One false move, and the watch gets the hammer

-BBM continued on by saying that he saw a puny old man laying in a bed with the stench of death in the air..so he set about to do what the Doctors and TBS didnít have the "balls to do" (USA Censors...hitting everything right AFTER the word "balls" came out...God Bless those dimwits)..which was "pull the plug on that sumbitch".

-WOW

-So..he PRIED the watch out of TBSís daddyís hand so he could taunt him with it.

-Then Prince Albert attacked TBS from behind...it didnít last

-BUT..the BBM came from behind and plunked the Show right on the noggin with a ballpeen hammer ("ballpeen"....heh heh heh heh heh). TBS fell off the ramp and took a solid...oh...at least a 5-6 foot dive off the ramp onto the concrete.

-THEN BBM and Albert smashed the watch anyway....TBS was out.

-Let me tell you something about this angle...

-FACT: Itís never been used before.

-FACT: The Big Bossman has more Heel heat now then he EVER did when Hogan was in town.

-FACT: The Big Show has more Face heat then he EVER did in his career

-FACT: Is there anyone who DOES NOT want to miss the match where Wight stomps this guy until his eyes explode?

-FACT: Controversy = Interest

-CONCLUSION: As tasteless as you might call it..itís WORKING

-Backstage, Chris Jericho tells Michael Cole that he will use a "common fan" to prove that Chyna ainít deserving to be in the ring with him.

-We see WWF Officials tending to the Big Guy...there was no one to tend to me when my Mother died.....I WAS ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!! I STILL HAVENíT BURIED THE CORPSE YET!!!!!!

-I got her in a closet......legs propped apart in case I need a quicky and donít feel like raping my hand.

-That was for those who wondered whatever happened to the "sick" Hyatte

-commercials

-We see the whole Hammer thing again. (2 Legit 2 Quit)

-TBS refused Medical help and instead, went hunting for the BBM. Oddly enough, he didnít try the Locker room. Moron.

-Chyna came out with Kitty...(can she turn intangible?)

-You know...I have no problems with her being IC champ.

-Did I say that last week already? I forget..it all blurs together, yíknow.

-D-Lo brown walks out. Ross reminds us that he is the European Champ.....sadly, I really did need to be reminded of that.

-Y2J ticker comes on....

-Explosion

-Theme

-Jericho comes out.....the crowd is POPPING.

-You think that every time he points to his opponent and mutters something as he walks to the ring..he is actually kicking a little old school reference back?

-"kicking a little old school reference back"......what the FRIG?

-Jericho gets to the ring apron and welcomes us to "RAW IS JERICHO" ...then asks who will be chosen to be his partner for this joke of a match...he looked around...

-He dismissed one person as "too fat"

-He dismissed another as " too slovenly"

-He dismissed another has having "poor dental hygene"

-Geeze..so far, heís describing every cooze I ever mounted!

-Then he picks a "fine young thing" and invited "flamehead" to come into the ring....then assured Chyna that she is still "much uglier"

-Out comes this...this.....my God in HELL.....

-Amy? AMY????? WHAT IN ALLMIGHTY HECK IS MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
DOING THERE????? WHY IS SHE STILL IN MY LIFE??????????

-I...I.....I...I HAVE TO SWITCH TO NITRO...IíM SORRY...I CANíT HANDLE
THIS!!!!!!!!! THAT IS MY EX GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!

-THIS..THIS IS INCONCEIVABLE!!!!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE
YOU...YOU...YOU.....NYYYYYARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!

-Suddenly, I just want to smoke some dope with a naked Matthew McConaughey

-AMY (whore) was eventually tagged in and was quickly speared by Chyna.....then Chyna strips her down.....and yanks off her red wig......I..I...

-Turns out it was Stevie Richards......who was still pinned by Chyna...Jericho gave him a Double Powerbomb followed by "The Wall of Jericho" (just as dopey as "The Rings of Saturn")....due to my MAJOR case of the Douchechills....I could not tell you if D-Lo even worked a single second of this match.

-You DO..of course..realize that I must have spent 9 months banging Stevie Richards in drag.....because AS GOD AS MY WITNESS..THAT WAS MY EX GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

-No wonder "she" claimed to be on the rag all that time.

-Note to Pat....Stevie gives GREAT oral.

-backstage....Vince McMahon helps sell Mick Foleyís book. Alas...if memory serves...Nitro NEVER even mentioned Arn Andersonís book once. Probably because it was non-kayfabe breaking crapola. Plus, devoting 5 chapters to how wonderful Bischoff was probably didnít help itís credibility either.

-spot for Foleyís book....how Freakboy got an advanced copy and I didnít is beyond me....IS SCOOPS AWARE OF WHO HAS THE STROKE ON THIS SITE????????? SHOULD I VANISH FOR ANOTHER TWO WEEKS JUST TO GIVE THEM A FRIENDLY REMINDER??????????

-Jeezus.....Xavier Doom got an advanced copy and he only works PART TIME for a site that DOESNíT EVEN DISCUSS THE WWF......I am treated like the ĎNetís Red Headed Stepchild.

-"Xavier Doom"....a grown man mixing a mutant with a despot for his name...good grief.

-commercials

-Mankind came to the ring....tell me we hit the second hour.

-yes we did....

-HHH came out...no Chyna. What the HELL is that guy screaming? "Itís TIIIME? Last TIIIME? Outta TIIIME? Read TIIIIME?"

-Early on, itís established that both Austin and the Rock were watching this.

-It went on for a bit.....which is a strange thing to see in the middle of this show....must be Taylorís booking. Terry wants to bring it back to RASSLINí DAMMIT...YOU SELL THAT MOVE!!!!!!!

-HHH had a chair ripped from his hands by the Ref..which made him walk into getting his title smacked into his forearm by Mssr. Foley

-HHH kicked out of the pin attempt.

-The Mandible Claw....HHH fought it fiercely.

-Then Val Venis ran in and chaired Mankind...Ross SWORE TO GOD that Mankind had the title won...(Ross also SWORE TO GOD that heíd leave some backstage donuts for the Homeless shelter later tonight.....GUESS WHAT...LITTLE JIMMY IS GOING HUNGRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

-Al Snow ran in to help Mankind

-Snow/Kind stayed in the ring as those blonde heels left.

-Austin is backstage...and heís STANDING!!! (ooo...how did CRZ handle THAT?)

-Michael Cole talked to Austin...who said that "no man sends chills down Stone Coldís arm"...

-Then his ex-wifeís lawyer showed up asking about that offshore bank account he had squirreled away just weeks before the divorce was finalized.......Austinís arm started shaking harder than Robert Downey Jr. in Detox.

-Michael Hayes talked to Stephanie McMahon. Stephie says that her memory is almost fully back and...well....she has some bad news for the family....

-A: She may be preggers

-B: It may NOT be exactly....."Caucasian"

-Sweet Georgia BROWN.....the fitís gonna hit the shan now...Nitrwho?

-In the background, Test and Shane were formulating plans and mapping out strategies....or formulating strategies and mapping out plans...whichever you wish.

-Kevin Kelly talks to Kane. Kane coughs out something about not making fun of people with speech impediments...(HERE...I SAY HERE HERE..I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING AS VILE AS...AS.....hee hee hee hoo hoo hooo.....sorry, I couldnít even finish with with.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA)

-"Enlarged tongue"...come on, dude. Iím trying to be a nice guy here...but when you come on out and say stuff like that......jeeze.

-The boy DOES have guts for saying that.....and yes, he can quote me. "As big as church bells"? I wouldnít go THAT far.....nor would I reference Dan Ackroydís "Dragnet" like that..but yes, definite chutzpah.

-Right after Kane garbled out that X-Pac must not interfere with his match...

-The Dudley Boys come out and attack.

-Then Buh Buh taunted Kane with his own mini-vibrator

-commercials

-footage of what we just saw

-The Dudleyís come out

-Buh Buh got on the stick and stuttered

-D-Von got on the stic and sermonized.

-Buh Buh bragged about taking Kaneís "Voicebox"...By God..I took a few "boxes" once or twice in my time too....HUGE boxes....almost fell into one once....

-Kane ran out and went right after Buh Buh in a one on one affair...X-Pac was watching backstage

-Suddenly, and using logic normally reserved for your standard Nitro...it become a Handicapped match as D-Von assumed a position in the corner.

-Jim Ross and Lawler started to talk about how "too damn personal even for sports entertainment" the Cancer angle was....then Ross discussed the time Owen Hart lit one of his farts at him and JRís hat caught on fire.

-Lawler...saying something I think we ALL wanted to say...ĎDaddyí What in the world is a ĎDaddyí? Itís ĎFatherí...come on, grow up JR."

-The Bell rang after Kane chokeslammed everyone...yet was still overwhelmed.....Torrie came out for some reason and begged X-Pac to get on out there....

-He eventually did.....so now roles are reversed and Kane is ticked at X-Pac...picking at the bones of stranded Russo angles.

-Kevin Kelly talked to the Bulldog about his upcoming cage match with Test..."I drooped me In-Law fumily for THESE bollocks?? Whut the bloomin Ďell???"

-I tell yaí...these Brit wrestlers have been POORLY ABUSED ever since Diana died.

-commercials

-The Bulldog comes out and enters the cage

-Test comes out. Itís weird with him....he and Shane put on what could be the match of the YEAR (were it not for the Tag Team Ladder romp from last week)...he displayed more skills than (and letís face it) Goldberg...yet I STILL would not exactly call him totally "over".

-Heís in the ring..and they get right to it

-Test goes on the immediate attack.

-Test puts a move on the Bulldog...Ross called it "a sidewalk slam"....Schiavone would have called it, "Can you believe the main event we have tonight, Brain"?

-It went on a bit...not good, not bad...pretty average..

-Then Test climbed to the very top of the cage...Piper would have been holding on for dear life.

-The Mean Street Posse run out with a wire cutter.....which sliced up the lock on the cage

-Test dives off the top of the cage and Elbows Bulldog....

-Ross, "MY GOD!!!!!! MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!! THE ELBOW!!!! FROM THE TOP
OF THE CAGE!!!!!!!

-Yíknow something? This ALWAYS bugged me....remember when Foley took that now legendary leap off the Hell in the Cell? Well, the first words out of Rossís mouth were, "MY GOD ALL MIGHTY, MY GOD ALL MIGHTY, THEY KILLED HIM!!!!"

-Not "HE"...not "THE UNDERTAKER"...but "THEY".....I always wondered about that.

-Anywhoo...The Mean Streeters attack Test...

-Then Shane ran out and scaled the cage....he roosted on the top for a bit..then DOVE onto Pete Gass and Joey Abs.....thrilling stuff..

-Ross, "MY GOD, MY GOD, MY GOD!!!!!!"

-THEN..to make matters even BETTER...Shane IMMEDIATELY started to wail on Gass..not once taking a second to act hurt off that dive.

-This made no sense...why is Shane attacking his friends? I thought he was their leader? Itís like the time when Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington took over the Sweathogs from Barbarino.

-The Bulldog vanished mysteriously...(I SWEAR I heard him yell faintly "Blessed Beejeezus, I fell through Ďnother bleediní trap door!!!!!")

-Test and Shane were eventually laid out....Test had the steel door slammed on him...Flairís was better.

-Stephanie ran out...apparently, amnesia has not dulled her eating habits.

-Shane held up Testís hand...howíz about some McMahonís acting MEAN again. Knock out that ratings momentum Nitro is enjoying.

-commercials

-HHH and the NAOísd have a few words...many of them were spelled A-S-S

-Faarooq and Bradshaw were standing in front of....oh my word...Holy SH*T!!!

-The FRIENDLY TAP!!!!!! THATíS BARELY A MILE FROM MY HOUSE!!!!!!!! I
CAN WALK THERE FROM RIGHT WHERE IíM SITTING!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!
THEY ARE IN MY TOWN!!!!!!!!! THATíS CUMBERLAND..I FRIGGIN LIVE
RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-No joke...I live RIGHT THERE!!!!!! NOT EVEN A MILE AWAY!!!!!!!

-I mean...I knew they USED to go there all the time.....but since itís a good 15 miles away from downtown Providence..I never understood why they would go so far..

-Holy cow..talk about freaky.

- I know..I SHOULD stop this column and march on over...but what would I say?

-If I introduced myself as "Chris Hyatte"...I would either be dismissed as a mark, or Faarooq would want to have words with me over my more racial material....uh uh..no way.

-Fine...call me a pu$$y......call me a scaredy cat.....F-You.....I have a column to write...so there.

-seriously....Iím just not the type to go meet these guys and mark out over them. Itís not in my blood. I ainít like that.

-Besides..what if PATTERSON was directing this thing from behind the camera??? Imagine what a jam I would be in THEN (in more ways then one).

-Man..they are like..right there...my backyard....

-NOTE: IF SOME OF MY FOLLOWING COMMENTS COME OUT AS.....UMM....INSENSITIVE....PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT MY INTENT IS TO
MAKE FUN OF MY TOWN...AND THE WAY THE WWF SHOWCASED IT. IT IS
NOT INTENDED TO MAKE FUN OF THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY

-AND..since this is Cumberland.....I wonder if being so close to Halloween meant that Faarooq got any comments on his"costume",(renting "Boyz in Hood" is the closest we get to seeing real life African Americans.

-In fact, before cable TV.....most of the town thought that they were really white..they just never showered for religious reasons.


-They entered the Bar and was almost immediately offered a beer by a loud yokel..(oh great..why in MY town of all places?)

-They refused...the yokel got belligerent....then challenged Bradshaw to an arm wrestling contest....he called himself the "Narragansett Arm Wrestling Champion"

-After some setting up.....Bradshaw beat him in an split second....

-So....the Yokelís partner accused them of cheating...and called Faarooq, Bradshawís "Darkie Friend"

-sigh.....folks..I apologize for my frigginí town.....sadly enough...HEíS GOT THE CHARACTERIZATION DOWN PAT!!!!

-"Darkie Friend" in my town......suddenly, half the houses in my neighborhood had "For sale" signs on their front lawn....I heard someone yell, "Quick Irma..before property values skyrocket!!!!!!!" Oye vey

-Called him "Darkie" again...and again....and again.....and again......then he called him "Boy"

-WHY THE "F" COULDNíT THEY DO THIS IN SCHERERíS
NEIGHBORHOOD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! HEíS THE ONE WHO ONCE CALLED MO
VAUGN AN "ANIMAL"!!!!!!!

-WHY NOT RYDERíS HOOD? HIS DEEP SOUTHERN ACCENT IS PERFECT FOR
IT!!!!!!!!!

-NO..THEY HAD TO DO THIS IN MINE...DAMMIT ALL!!!!!!!

-Of course...the Acolytes eventually proceeded to berate the living crap out of them.....

-They were all Indy workers...the bartender, with the big belly and the long black white trash hair (naturally) is called"Wolverine"...heís billed as the "most popular wrestler in Rhode Island". Heís like, 40 years old....out of shape...and his catch phrase is, "It donít get any better than this!"

-Of course....being the "most popular wrestler in Rhode Island" means that Iím WAAAAY more famous than him.

-The Acolytes left after trashing the bar. Someone screamed for an ambulance....for the record, I heard no sirens...yes, I am close enough to hear them if they came aírunning.

-I am deeply, deeply ashamed

-yet, now I feel better about not going down there.

-I have to get out of this F-ing town....does Zimmerman need a roomie?

-commercials

-The New Age Outlaws came out....they did their thing...

-The Rock came out...he had nothing to say.

-sign reads, "ROCKY FEARS JUVENTUD".....no clue if he even noticed it. He probably did, but probably didnít react.

-Austin came out. Iíd say the pops split evenly down the middle.

-Austin started off against Mr. Arse...Ross promised us no more commercials for the rest of the night. He hasnít said that since Nitro was pulling 4ís.

-That lasted until The Rock and Road Dog were tagged in...

-The Rock was setting up the Peopleís Elbow..but Gunn pulled the Dog out of the ring. Austin sprinted around and double clotheslined them.

-Road Dog started his little "shuck and jive" dance...Austin clocked him one...Stone Cold ainít gonna stand there like a Homo and wait for this clown.

-Austin tries to straddle Road Dog...Doggy moves...Austin bounces off the ropes and lands hard..why is he the only worker in creation to fall for that?

-Road Dog goes for the Pump Handle thingy....but takes a second to dry hump Austinís booty....Austin elbowed him.....Like I said.....Stone Cold ainít gonna stand there like a Homo and wait for this clown.

-The Rock was tagged in..so was the Gunn

-DDT on the Gunn....kick out.

-HHH runs in...Austin chases him out and fights him up the ramp.

-Maivia was alone....Sumo drop on Doggy

-Ross, "Mr A$$ is cracked!!"

-Lawler, "Huh?"

-Rock hits the Rock Bottom on Gunn

-X-Pac runs in and spin kicks the Rock

-The Rock is pinned.

-Austin runs back in.....heís quadrupled teamed

-Well...guess whoís back in force?

-The show ended with the DX music...DX shirts all over the place. Ross was screaming, "DX IS TOGETHER!! DX IS TOGETHER!! DX IS TOGE..."

-fade out

I donít know...I thought this was a tight show. Well paced. Of course....that little incident in a bar in MY HOMETOWN really freaked me out.

Yet...Providence came through with an EXTREMELY HOT crowd. Other than the fact that there were NO SIGNS WITH MY NAME ON THEM!!!! They really did me proud in terms of keeping the energy going. Strong outing....strong booking too.

Of course..Nitro is everyoneís darling right now..so letís see what they can do here.

 

Mop-Up Nitro


Normally, I donít care what the folks at Bob Ryderís "WCW Live" have to say, because I understand that they have to tread carefully with their opinions; but one something in the transcript I read last week caught my eye.

They have every right to declare Nitro as "reborn"and "reinvigorated"..and I donít even mind them declaring prematurely that RAW is "old" and "tired". No problems there...

But I want to point something out to you. Before you take these opinions to heart..and if you are the type to believe these so-called "experts" (which kind of includes Ryder and Madden), there is something about them you should know.

Every so often, a kid named Jason Shaya shows up on the Internet broadcast. He showed up last week and was the one who called RAW "old and tired" and Nitro "fresh and exciting"...this Jason Shaya...I donít know who he is..what he does..or who he blows to get a position in the company..but he used to be on the WCW Hotline. I used to call the
hotline when I had the backdoor phone number to get in for free...and I heard him every..Thursday, I think.

All I want to say about Shaya, who displayed NO communication skills, (he speaks in a rapid mumble, as though even HE was ashamed of his shilling and was desperate to get it over with), is that during one hotline report..he discussed the A&E Wrestling Special narrated by Steve Allen....his biggest gripe...get this..was that he was they "didnít showcase more of Eric Bischoffís rise to dominance"...

I kid you not.

Ryder can say whatever he wants...because he really does try to be as fair as possible for someone in his position (not that he was any different when he wasnít working for WCW). Madden can too, because he also tries to be fair, when he isnít looking to work the readers into a frenzy...but JASON SHAYA CAN LICK MY NUTS!!! This douche has ZERO credibility and absolutely NO right to ANY sort of valued opinions. Pay NO attention to this suck up....his main purpose in life is to keep his face up the right butt .

Just thought you should know this.

By the way...I BARELY remember the Ultimo Dragon

And I do NOT care.

NITRO (or: Looks like somebody wants the SPOOOOOOTLIIIIIGHT)

-It should be noted that I have decided to skip the premiere of Jennifer Love Hewittís new show "Breasts of your Life" for this. Even though NOBODY in their right minds would want to miss what dramatic turns her life will take now that sheís in New York.

-WCW Symbol...stronger men then thee have gone up against it.

-Sting is backstage, sans gear..and stomping around looking for JJ Dillon. Heíd really be a handsome guy were it not for that jutting forehead that makes him look like a caveman....ERRRRRRR ARRRRGH....FIRE!!!! NOOOOOOOO

-Why would he want to see JJ Dillon? MAYBE HEíS HAD IT WITH THE
HORSEMEN AND NOWíS THE TIME TO FINISH THINGS ONCE AND FOR ALL????

-Opening theme...nobody will be able to dance after the Apocalypse

-Tony Schiavone does a changeup and screams, "STING IS STOMPING MAD!!!!! WHATíS IT ALL ABOUT?? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH TONIGHTíS EVENT????" Obviously, Tony is quite aware that nobody ordered Halloween Havoc last night....either that or he once again has taken us for COMPLETE IMBECILES!!!!!

-itís a little early for this isnít it?

-They are in Phoenix, Arizona....nice little town.

-Tony welcomed us to Nitro...then introduced himself as Tony Schiavone and his co-host as "THE ONE AND ONLY...and thank God for that....BOBBY 'THE BRAIN' HEENAN!!" (grrrrrr)

-Sting came out wearing WHITE (THAT RACIST BEERSTARD!!!!) Well, a white T-shirt. My God..itís James Dean retarded Big brother.

-Sting hits the ring and demands that JJ Dillon get on out there...because he heard a lot of talk in the dressing room, that he donít LIKE!!....(Uh oh.....maybe those rumors that Lou Albano being hired to book WCW were TRUE!!!!!!!!)

-HUGE sign that reads WCW SUX......I hear Dillenger burned it with his heat vision

-Sting offered Dillon a shot to come on out to the ring, before he goes out looking for him....(and if he does, heís bringing his Bible with him....GET OUT THERE JJ...NOW!!!!!!!)

-Dillon waddled out....the man looks like his entire left side was paralyzed.

-Heenan, "It gets more exciting every week doesnít it Tony?"

-Tony, "Yes it does, Brain"

-Whereís my gun?

-Sting yelled at Dillon about how he simply wanted to give WCW fans their moneyís worth by challenging anyone to a fight because Hogan laid down for him.....but nobody ever said anything about the World title being up for grabs.....yet Goldberg walked out with it.....so, Stinky wanted it back.

-JJ took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes....much like I do every Monday Ďround this time.

-JJ told Sting that he was right...Goldberg DID win the match, but he is NOT the WCW World Champ.

-"BUT", he added, "Neither are YOU!!"

-Sting, exercising that little muscle known as THE MIND, "What are you trying to say JJ?"

-JJ stared at him for a few moments...completely astounded.

-Then he said that Stringís "brutal" attack of a WCW Official caused them to strip Sting of his title and hold it up in a 32 man tournament. Which HE will be able to partake in on the good graces of WCW.

-Sting stared at him..then asked him to speak in laymanís terms.

-Dillon repeated what he just said..only spoke much slower

-Sting stared some more, then asked Dillon to dumb it down a tad.

-Dillon said that he has to go through a gauntlet of wrestlers in order to get the belt back.

-Sting stared at him..then asked to lose all the scientific mumbo jumbo

-Dillon said "YOU FIGHT GOLDBERG AT THE NEXT PAY PER VIEW FOR
TITLE!!"

-Sting stared some more...Dillon pulled out his Cigarette lighter..Sting screamed, "ARRRGH...FIRE!!!!!!!" and attacked in response.

-Goldberg ran out and the fight was on.....

-WCW Security charged...and broke it up

-Cut to Schiavone and Heenan. Now Tony was in a three piece suit.....his hair neatly combed.....2 months ago he was "Generation X Tony" with his hair grown and greased out and the "trendy" leather jackets and black pants.....now heís "Yuppie Businessman Tony"

-...of course..heíll always be "Douchebag Tony" to us

-has he lost weight?

-Oooh, do we have a barnstormer for yaí tonight....but first....

-Stills from the Havocís impromptu main event....from what everyone says..it was marred by the usual Announcer confusion as first the title was NOT up...then it suddenly WAS.

-Tony promised this weekís Nitro as "one to remember"........he has no love for his child...I am convinced.

-He runs down the list of WCW World title Tourney contenders......well, you can cross out Saturn (too fey), Guerrero, Konnan (too Mexican), Smiley (Bi**ch PLEASE), Bigelow (too fat), Kidman (nose too big), Luger (too juiced), Steiner (too ridiculous),
DDP (too smelly from living in Bischoffís tuckus), David Flair (are you high?), Madusa (she ainít no Chyna), ? (jobber), Knobs (no heat).

-Which leaves Sting, Hart, and Goldberg

-That was only the first 16...they still have an entire second half to go.

-Tony announced that Goldberg will fight Bret Hart for the US title AND the Tourney advancement tonight.....Heenan advised us draw up a Last Will and Testament and request that TNT be played round the clock in our house for at least a full YEAR after we die...this match is THAT important.

-We see the Outsiders arrive in the building....and a very OLD Mike Graham (Geeze..what happened to him?) tell them that they are scheduled to work tonight. Nash said that not only was he retired and without his gear, but he had no underwear on. Hall insinuated that they had beer in a cooler. Nash is wearing a FUBU T-shirt....as it was
politely pointed out to me by two kind hearted readers, Nash is a 40 year old man.

-And Nash is white

-commercials

-Tony pushed WCW.com....WCW mayhem....WCW New Yearís Evil...WCW match of the Week...all in one breath...which didnít help explain this convoluted mess in ANY way, shape, or form.

-Reba Call from Leesville, Weezeiana is the winner....$20 sez sheís missing teeth.

-Mike Tenay peeled himself off the nearest barstool long enough to talk to Norman Smiley about how he won the first re-debut of the WCW Hardcore Rules Match. Norman spoke in a deep, basslike tone...which pretty much solidifies my theory that he has someone kick him square in the nuts before stepping out from behind the curtain.

-Smiley was "amused" by the hardcore rules last week, but was looking forward to putting on a scientific display against Bigelow tonight....proving that he is the toughest fagola in the land.

-Bam Bam Bigelow came out

-Smiley came out.....his voice was back up to ear bleeding.....his package looked swollen too.

-Bigelow grabbed the mic and screamed that this is suddenly a hardcore match...and thank GOD there was a pile of metal junk nearby.

-Bigelow actually said the word, "Scientifical"....one can only pray he was goofing around.

-Bigelow actually said, "Scientifically"....it just sounded so...WRONG

-Biggsy started to throw junk in the ring.....Smiley hid behind the ref.

-Bigelow started hitting him with a broom.

-Bigelow jammed a trash can into his head....

-Bigelow ended up running into said can on said head..which knocked him out.

-Smiley got the pin.....I like this gimmick..but this particular execution was dumb.

-Smiley is now "The Big Wiggle"...and you people wonder why I make so many Homosexual references....THIS ENTIRE SORTOFA SPORT IS QUEER!!!!!!!

-I should mention that this was a World title Tourney thing..but do YOU see Smiley going to the finals?

-Drunkay talked to Hall and Nash. Both men chose to wait until the "top of the hour" before commenting on anything.....but Hall did say that Mike Graham was NOT one of his "many bosses".

-Nobody in this company is having more fun that these two.

-Nash, "Iíll kick you in the shin"

-Hall, "Iíll pinch you so hard"

-Tenay, "Can I cadge a beer Big Sexy?"

-commercials

-Tony and Heenan discuss the ongoing molestation that is Ric Flairís legacy....this crap should have ended with Bischoffís dismissal. Clips are shown

-Los Lobos Animales (and that....Kidman fellow) came out. Torrie is in a bathing suit just big enough to NOT be called a bikini....

-AT 8:00 OíCLOCK??????? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN DAMMIT!!!!! WHY
ISNíT RYDER BURNING UP THE INTERNET WITH HIS OUTRAGE?????????????

-There is nothing wrong with using the female form to entice Males Age: 12-45.....so long as itís understood that when Vince does it..itís DESPERATION AT ITíS MOST PATHETIC!!!!!! Later, Dave Scherer will come out to either confirm or deny everything Al Isaacs reported this morning.

-They all hit the ring....Eddie has the mic and says that the "Filthy Animals can NOT be broken up...no matter WHAT STUNTS WCW TRIES TO PULL!!!!" (unless..of course...Eddie gets drunk and plows his car into another tree....then itís curtains)

-"HEY WCW.....KISS MY...YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!"

-"At Halloween Havoc, we came...we saw...and we DEFINITELY KICKED RIC
FLAIRíS A$$!!!!!"

-Torrie jumped in and said, "And I came many times!!" Rey took one look at her, shook his head, and muttered "aye yi yi".

-Then they showed a video camera footage (called the "Kid Cam") of the Animals carrying Flair into the desert.....dumping him on the ground...and kicking dirt all over him.....DIDNíT HOGAN DO THIS ALREADY?????? IS THIS WHAT THEY CALL ORIGINAL????????? JEEZUS...DOES WCW SUCK THE CREATIVE JUICE OUT OF EVERYBODY??????????????

-I swear...Bischoff is STILL RUNNING THIS SHOW!!!!!!

-Look, I have no problems with Flair putting younger guys over....but COME ON!!! THIS IS HUMILIATING!!!!! THE GUY ONCE CARRIED THIS COMPANBY YOU KNOW!!!!!

-Kidman got on the mic....try as he might..it is impossible for him to act tough. He looks like the Jewish Howdy Doody

-well...he does.

-Rey Rey and Konan had stuff to say.....nobody cares

-Saturn and Malenko ran in with what look like tray holders and beat the Hombres stoopid...the segment is saved.

-Torrie was nervously walking backwards....nobody ever explained to her that she could get to a destination much quicker if she tried walking FORWARDS

-She backed right past Shane Douglas and right into the return of ASYA!!!!!! (ASYAíS BACK!!!!!!! ASYAíS BACK!!!!!! NOW WCW IS PLAYING FOR KEEPS DAMMIT!!!!!!)

-of course....Iím sure Torrie is used to backing into things

-Asya carried Torrie away.....

-So far...we have seen nothing that the WWF hasnít done better...Iím sorry, but itís true. They are just getting started though.

-WAIT!!!! I WAS WRONG.....WCW is beating the pants off the WWF when it comes to humiliating Flair. I stand corrected.

-Boozeay talks to Curt Hennig. Hennig sez that the new "Powers That Be" told him that if he loses one more match, he will be murdered.....and his Spirit will have to honor the "No Compete" clause too....so heís effectively F-ed seven ways to Sunday.

-commercials

-Hall and Nash are gulping coffee and talking about making the censors earn their paychecks tonight.

-Curt Hennig took on Lash Larioux. Hennig fought like a man whoís very life depended on a victory.

-Disco Inferno joined the announcers.....Disco was wearing a hat that he HAD to have raided from Ernest Miller.

-Hennig swatted the ref while up in an Airplane Spin...he was DQíed....Tony quickly said that Hennigís shoulders have to be pinned before they can carry out the public execution..(think of THOSE ratings, people)

-Hennig grabbed a chair and started whacking Lerioux (HOWEVER ITíS F-ING SPELLED)...then whacked DINF for no reason other than he was wearing a goofy hat.

-Backstage..the Revolution were running down a hall looking for Torrie.....tragically, they ran right past the showers.

-commercials

-Bret Hart was limping into the building.

-Goldberg was tying his shoes.

-Okerlund was in the ring with the Nitro Girls and doing the Nitro Girl Tryout Challenge.....this stuff was too damn JUICY to compete against RAW..so we must suffer.

-Okerlund admitted to "breaking out in a sweat myself"....then shifted the front of his trousers......old fart.

-We got a bouncy blonde named Lauren

-and a perky Black girl named Danielle.

-Danielle had the tighter bod....she should take it.

-Thatís as far as I go here.

-Oh Hell.....I have to stick around.....because Jeff Jarrett charged out and chased the broads away with his guitar.....Okerlund threw Spice at Jarrett at dove out of there...

-Jarrett got on the stic and declared this whole tournament was one big "work"....MY GOD!!!!! HAS SCHERER BEEN INFORMED???? WHAT DOES MELTZER HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS?????? ITíS ALL A WORK? DAMMIT AL, GET ON THE BALL WITH THIS!!!!! I AM SO TIRED OF BEING SCOOPED OUT ON INFO LIKE THIS!!!!!!

-Jarrett announced that he was "chosen to be the next WCW champion" and juiceheads like Buff and Luger canít do squish about it.

-Jarrett said he did NOT take Elizabeth out...because Vince would have their arses in court so fast Schiavoneís third chin would spin.

-That was basically it.

-Tony and Heenan argue over whether Jarrett was lying or not about bashing Lizzy with the guitar. Tony said, "Of course he did it, have you seen Jarrett at work BEFORE coming here?" Heenan replied, "Huh? You mean there is ANOTHER company other than WCW? EXCUSE ME?????"

-footage of how Goldberg made a bloody mess out of Sid Vicious last night.

-180 Proofay talked to Sid Vicious right after his Goldberg match. Sid plugged Gillette and told kids to DEFINITELY try this stuff at home....(whoa....this ainít your Daddyís WCW)

-Saturn came out...

-The Filthy Animals came out

-Saturn suggested that the other three get their "Filthy little BEHINDS (someone should brief him on the meetings if he continues to miss them) back into the dressing room"(preferably, the showers.....as I now proceed to recycle bad jokes out of the same F-ing column) and let Eddie go mano y mano with him.

-They did.....donít expect it to last.

-Itís always a treat to watch Eddie. He puts a little extra in EVERY move.

-Saturn works best against a quality opponent

-It lasted.....I hate it when they screw with me.

-Instead, David Flair ran out and caused Eddie the match. If Russo can get David over..then I will SERIOUSLY ponder the notion that God walks on the Mortal plane..and he has a Brooklyn accent.

-Backstage, Hall and Nash discuss shutting the show down by going naked.....which got a overwhelmingly MALE pop...(geeze...even in Phoenix.....there goes my plans to relocate there)

-commercials

-Deep in the bowels of whatever the buildingís name is...

-The Revolution are taking turns going ear to ear with Torrie and hearing the Ocean...then Malenko goes to either take a squirt, or put on the rubber.

-Benoit clips him with a chair from behind, then locks the gate. The Revolutionaries watch in horror as Benoit tossed Dino around like a mouthy wife. No problems here.

-Scott Hall and Kevin Nash come out.....hey, they are really BACK!!!!

-Big Sexy fondles a fan alongside the walkway.......the fact that itís a woman only SLIGHTLY restores my faith.

-They hit the ring. Hall has the mic and hits up a little, "Hey Yo"......then talks about how these "New Bosses from New York" canít seem to put on a show without them....(the irony being...they used to be the "new bosses from New York!")

-Hall gave the mic to Nash..who had some words for "The Big Bosses at TNT"....

-First, he reminded us that Nash is from Phoenix.....

-Nash took the mic and brought back his "In the House" thing...the man is old enough to be your Father....Hell, he very well could be.

-Nash declared himself and Mr. Binge Drinker STILL to be immune from the almighty book...so it has been since day 1..so it shall always be until the day they step back into Titan Towers (Hall?....Never Nash?...maybe possibly)

-he was about to say more when....

-Goldberg was seen in the STANDS (must have been Baptizing the lepers) with a mic in one hand, and Dillenger by his side like the lumpy old Devil Scion he is....GB advised them to grow a pair of eyes into the backs of their heads because for tonight..they were NEXT!

-Hall feigned fright...I love it when he does that.

-Quick shot of Tony and Heenan....they made a last second plea to us to stick around even though that PORNOGRAPHIC competitor just came on.

-Then...SUDDENLY.....Randy Savage and Gorgeous George came out. I thought they were heading to Titan? I thought SLAM was reporting this? SLAM IS/ARE NEVER WRONG IS/ARE THEY????? THEY CANíT BE...THEY ARE CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!

-Savage and Little Miss Thang hit the ring....one mention of Hogan and Iím flipping to "Alley McBeal"

-Savage said that Russo and "the other vultures" are hoping that he make an "arse" of himself and fall on his face out there. Randy assured us that this will not be happening.....(well, first time for everything)

-Savage also assured us that he is "well hung"......LIAR!!!!!

-Savage assured us that he will NOT be "hung out to dry" like Hogan and Flair were...

-Oh, Iíll stick around....F-it....I have no problems with Savage

-Savage "ainít no punk (BLEEP)"

-"The Yellow and the Red is played out...so is Space Mountain...but everyone knows...that The Macho Manís got game, heís a hit, and heís definitely legit"...(referencing MC Hammer??? SOMEONE GET THE HOOK!!!!!!!!)

-Savage says that since heís won pretty much every title that the two big companies have to offer.....he decided that itís time to "pass the torch" to the next "superstar of the Millenium"...

-I SWEAR TO JESUS!!!!!!! IF ITíS HORACE I AM QUITTING THE COLUMN
FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!!! MY HAND ON A STACK OF GIDEONS!!!!!
I WILL DUMP THIS CRAP AND GO STALK OLYMPIA DUKAKIS FULL
TIME!!!!!!!

-Then Savage left....without passing any such torch. Looks like Iím stuck with this crap for another week.

-The Muchachos are still looking for Blondie.....

-We see Madusa doing "what no other woman has done BEFORE...COMPETE...FOR THE WCW WORLD TITLE!!!!!!!!!!" (doesnít QUITE stop this from being a total rip-off of Chynaís career..now does it?)

-commercials

-Douglas and Saturn try to calm Malenko down...Malenko ainít having any of it. Saturn is wearing a "FTW" T-shirt........as if Heyman wasnít bald enough?

-Madusa comes out.....Tony is jacked to see who her opponent is.

-MENG??????? MY GOD!!!

-MENG HAS AN AFRO!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-I swear....Meng looks dumber and dumber with every makeover.

-Vital facts:

-A: Meng ainít selling sheeeit

-B: Meng roars like a moron after every kick.

-C: This is like a Roger Corman horror flick

-D: This is like an Eric Bischoff booking

-E: Meng fingered her every chance he got.

-F: I SWEAR I didnít see this coming when I was riffing on Sting earlier in this column.

-G: Kane now looks more realistic than Meng

-H: Meng won

-Even Karagias showed up to help Madusa after the match.

-Dean Malenko passed them on his way to the ring. He entered the ring and challenged Benoit to a "Last Man Standing Match"....coolness

-Hall and Nash are sort of getting ready. Hall promises "Whoever goes out there against the Outsiders is going to get LICKED." Itís funnier after the fact.

-commercials

-Brad Armstrong is asking for Curt Hennigís help in "finding a personality".....didnít I say this last week......MY GOD!!! I THINK IíM BOOKING NITRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Armstrong said that they told him to "call his Brother and ask about getting a personality". Hennig said that they were "bending it and soon itís gonna break".....then said, "you know what Iím talking about?"...then they both nodded.....(Interesting...VERY
interesting! Perhaps they are doing all this Kayfabe breaking with a larger purpose in mind?? I SMELL THE RETURN OF BISCHOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

-Bretís leg is still all fudged up.....not good against a man who still doesnít know how to only PRETEND.

-Lex Luger and Elizabeth come out. I wonder what heís up to?

-Well...Iím not really WONDERING....couldnít care any less in fact.....

-In fact...Iím skipping this....C-YA!!!!!

-Oh naaah.....letís stick with this...Rick Steiner came out.

-They start tussling...itís the Tournament thing which neither man has a prayer at winning....well, Lexy could

-Jeff Jarrett comes out and sits with Tony and Bobby. He demands an apology from Luger for accusing him of whacking Elizabeth with the guitar.

-Jarrett, "I mean....THIS is WCW.....why would I hit a woman?"

-I SWEAR...I nearly swallowed my dip off that line....I was laughing for a good minute....BRILLIANT writing....BRILLIANT script.

-sheer classic...

-Just with the TIMING....he waited a perfect beat before finishing the sentence.

-GOD BLESS JEFF JARRETT!!! JIM ROSS CAN GO SWALLOW HIS DEAD
ARSED FACE!!!!!!

-Tony admitted to seeing Jarrettís shtick in the WWF.....now, if he only would publicly apologize to Mick Foley..then I could MAYBE let the healing begin.

-So...Jarrett goes to "discuss" things with Elizabeth...

-Elizabeth, obviously well rehearsed after being married to Savage, falls to the ground and holds up her arm.....

-Jarrett stays focused on her...

-Luger and Steiner make their way to him.

-Jarrett turns and swings...Luger ducks and Steiner is clobbered...

-Steiner wobbles about...Lex beats the count and makes it back into the ring. He wins the tourney round.

-This is....well, quite frankly, this is the best handling of a company jump Iíve seen since Scott Hall first walked out. They are effectively blending Jarrettís red hot "Woman Hating" gimmick with a new WCW angle. This might very well put Double J over the top. Good stuff.

-Konnan and Kidman tell Whiskay that they WILL find Torrie before the night is..blah blah blah

-Kidman said that if they harm one hair on her stupid little head....he will personally end "all their careers".....oh PULEAZE.....Saturn would launch a rocket of manhood up Kidmanís Uranus so fast the grease would fly out of his head.

-Buff is in the building...and heís got it all figured out.

-commercials

-Benoit is busy getting ready to do whatever heís booked to do tonight...I forgot already.

-Kidman is out.....ainít he cute?

-Konnan is out...ainít he douchy?

-Iím sorry, but Kidman does NOT make a decent Heel. Half the audience laughs at him and the other half are too busy watching RAW on their portable TVs.

-They fight a little bit.....K-Phuk, being a moron, actually tries..which pisses the Big Nose to no end.

-Then Harlem Heat run in and make trouble

-Then Rey Rey (who ainít exactly lighting up the company with HIS Heelish ways either) and Eddie (who is a fine Heel) show up and chase the brothers off (which...in reality...well...come on..like that would happen).

-Kidman and K-Douche bicker with each other after Kidman gets a pin. I guess I should point out that this was a World Title Tourney....but why bother...itís not like Kidman is going to win it.

-In fact, if he does win it..Iíll wash your car.

-Donít have a car? Then Iíll wash your bike.

-No Bike? Then Iíll wash your Sister

-No sister? Then Iíll wash your balls

-No Balls? Then Iíll wash your Mother

-all washings will be done with my tongue.

-Konnan said something on the mic...beneath all the crap that nobody pays attention to, I think he challenged the Heat to a tag match later on.


-Buff Bagwell is walking towards the ring. Tony Schiavone screams, "AND BUFFíS....COMING TOWARDS THE RING????" Which, of course..will help keep your hands gripping the sides of your chairs and NOT gripping the remote during these very important...

-commercials

-Hall and Nash are bi**hing about being "prostitutes for ratings". The Bushwackers are referenced for no good reason.

-Buff Bagwell comes to the ring. The camera shows a boy wearing a Buff T-shirt. (Memo to that boyís father: HOOKERS, HOOKERS, AND MORE HOOKERS!!!! HURRY, BEFORE HE STARTS PAINTING HIS NAILS AND WHISTLING
SHOWTUNES!!!!!!)

-Bagwell hits the ring and says that Russoís a prick and he WILL NOT be laying down and doing the job to anyone else ever again. Suddenly, Shawn Michaels is alive, well and all juiced up.

-Suddenly, two large, bald men come out. They said that they represented to two writers, then proceeded to beat up Bagwell. Then one of them got on the mic and screamed, "TITAN MOTORCYCLES ARE FOR FAIRIES!!!!!"

-NOTE: Substitute "Both Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit" for "Buff Bagwell" and "MALENKO AND BENOIT ARE BOTH" for "BUFFíS" and the below segment will make perfect sense....

-Buff Bagwell is walking towards the ring. Tony Schiavone screams, "AND BUFFíS....COMING TOWARDS THE RING????" Which, of course..will help keep your hands gripping the sides of your chairs and NOT gripping the remote during these very important...

-commercials

-Chris Benoit comes out. We see how he lost (AGAIN) the other night

-Dean Malenko came out.....itís a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH...as evident by the fact that they are both wearing jeans.

-Heenan claimed to have "seen this split coming a mile away"...Tony admonished him by saying, "Donít put yourself over like that, no one saw this coming!" Funny words, coming from a guy who HAS NEVER BEEN PUT OVER A DAY IN HIS LIFE!!!!!! THE WORLD WANTS TO SEE TONY SCHIAVONE DEAD!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME!!!! WE WANT YOU TO DIE OF PENIAL CANCER!!!!!!!!!! DIE, DIE, DIE YOU FAT PIECE OF JELLO!!!!!

-WHERE IS HIS DAUGHTERíS TEETH?????? WHY HAVE I NOT BEEN
PRESENTED WITH THEM YET??????????????

-So far..all Benoit did was kick.

-Tony sez Goldberg is somewhere in here and waiting for Bret Hart.....Tony also wondered is Goldberg will heal Bretís leg so he can wrestle at full force. Heenan was seen swallowing a fistful of Zoloft.

-After a few minutes of rather uninspired work......Benoit was up first and got the win....even though Malenko was on his knees...which means that Benoit was only TECHNICALLY the "last man standing". Dudes...."Last Man Standing" rules only work when the other guy is completely knocked out and a bloody heap on the ground. This ainít "Rocky II"

-and no..it did not escape my notice that a CANADIAN won against an American....I am a burning cauldron of fury on the inside over this.

-Los Filthy Lobos ran out...anyone else sick of them for the night yet?

-They all went after Malenko....Benoit allowed it.

-Then Shane Douglas and whatís left of his crew came out.....Asya had Torrie by the throat.....

-Douglas said that if they step to Malenko any more...Asyaís gonna take Torrie out....

-To highlight this, Asya bent Torrieís head back....her boobies jutted out more....

-For some odd reason, Saturn seemed more into watching Mysterio than watching the girls..

-closeup of the girls....Good Lord

-Malenko joined his crew and they left....the Animals could only watch...

-A: STUPID

-B: RETARDED

-C: EMPTY HEADED

-and the angle was ridiculous too

-commercials

-The Revolutionaries take off.....the Animals make plans. Half of them make chase.

-Knobs comes to the ring with Jimmy Hart and Hugh Morrus. This show is officially longer than the OJ Trial

-Sting comes out...hits Knobs with a bat..and pins him in 5 seconds...thank bloody Ďell

-The Outsiders are backstage....it is decided that Scott Hall will start the tag match.

-Hey kids..now you can subscribe to the WCW Magazine and get it delivered to your home. Order now and receive an audio tape of Tony Schiavone discussing the magazineís cover story as you read the opening columns.

-commercials

-Dry Martenay talks to Bret Hart. He donít know nothiní about "jobbing" or "booking"...heís gonna give Goldberg the FIGHT OF HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Harlem Heat comes out...

-Konnan and Kidman come out..

-I am officially SICK AND FUC**NG TIRED of these idiots

-No..not the Brothers.....the other team..Iím skipping right to the end.

-Those idiots that I am officially sick and fuc**ng tired of won the belts.

-They won after Kidman got his shoulder up as Stevie Ray had him Dragon Suplexed pinned....of course, Rayís shoulder was NOWHERE NEAR THE MAT AT THE TIME.....but who cares?

-Straight up with a Twistenay talked to Goldberg....oooo, heís pissed now. A certain greasy Canadian is going to get what for.

-Dallas Page and Kimberly are backstage.....does this show EVER END?????

-commercials

-DDP and Kimberly hit the ring. Kimberly got on the stic and introduced, "The King of Ba-Da-Bing".....

-Page was on and claims that weíll never forget him. All I know is that I will probably never forget that whole Leno fiasco....THANKS PAGE....DOUCHEBAG!!!!!!!!

-David Flair comes out...oh Brother.....hopefully, thisíll be quick

-Page opens his ring robe for him..then pinches his cheeks and kisses him......stop the world, I want to get off.

-Young David reveals that he has a crowbar stuck in the back of his pants...he pulls it out...the bottom half is brown....(OH GOD NO!!!!!!!!)

-He starts wailing on Page with it....Kimberly tries to cover him and begs with David to stop.

-COME ON DAMMIT...HIT HER!!!!!!!!! HIT HER!!!!!!!!! THEN DO SOMETHING
ELSE TO HER WITH THE THING!!!!!!!!! COME ON YAí LITTLE CHERRY!!!!!!!!
IíM SURE SHEíS HAD WORSE!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT HER..SHEíS BEEN AROUND
DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! PUT THAT DAMN THING TO GOOD USE!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH,
YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-He did...PUNKA$$!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead, he left...which, of course..meant that Page won I guess.

-Page is stretchered away.

-commercials

-Page is loaded and taken away

-The Outsiders come out. It IS nice to see Hall back.

-They got a great gimmick...that "Too cool for the room" thing attracts the SLEAZIEST of sluts.

-The Bald Bodyguards come out and stand at the entrance....then turn to look backstage

-Three chicks come out...Tony was being kind and called them "Ladies".

-The last one had stuffed her shirt with...well...looks like Soccerballs quite frankly

-Looks like itíll be a handicapped match.....Nash must of got excited because he flipped his hair.

-After arguing a bit...Hall started the match...he aped Goldberg by slapping his head and jerking his arms.

-Hall and the Blondie locked up...Hall found his head buried in her chest and she was yanking him across it....he put up no fight.

-Hall went down and pretended to struggle to tag in Nash

-Nash was tagged in.

-Oops..no he wasnít....Hall stayed in. Hall was backed into the corner and the Blonde mounted the second ropes....Iím sure by now at least 70\\% of the 12 year olds watching this THREW Mom out of the Bathroom and screamed...."I REALLY GOTTA GOOOOOO...I REALLY GOTTA GOOOOOO"

-Heenan, "WEíRE GONNA GET SOME BIG NUMBERS TONY!!!!" (he wishes)

-Hall was spanked

-Eventually, Nash was tagged in.....he challenged the one with the huge melons to lift her shirt.

-She said she would if only Nash would lay down and job out.

-Both Hall and Nash obliged readily.

-Both Hall and Nash were pinned

-No shirts were lifted..but she played with them.

-Tony had sex with his can of Surge

-Oh it was horrible

-Oh it was terrible

-OH it was a BLIGHT ON THE HISTORY OF THIS GREAT SPORT

-OHH...IT WAS PORN AT ITíS MOST VILE!!!!

-OHH..WHOEVER WROTE THIS SHOULD BE CRUCIFIED IN THE CENTER OF
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN AS BRUNO SAMMARTINO, LOU THESZ, AND
VERNE GAGNE WHIPS THEM WITH BARBED WIRE!!!!!! THIS IS AN INSULT
TO THIS GREAT SPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT WRESTLING DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Grow the F**k up

-It was fun....pure FUN. Hall and Nash were having FUN....and I had FUN watching them enjoy themselves.

-No sexual innuendos there either....Iím serious. They were poking fun at the whole WWF image with this...and just letting everyone have a good time. I have no problems with this.

-Get a clue...if Vince did this, youíd be calling him a visionary

-By the way...Goldberg ran in and Speared everybody. Goldberg had no reaction to the girls..Goldberg is too much in love with himself.

-commercials

-Hart comes out...limps out really.

-Goldberg couldnít stay in the ring and wait....he had to be escorted out again and get ANOTHER ENTRANCE. A-hole

-They kick it off...Bret is backed into the corner. Goldberg knees him. Ref pushes him away and screams, "AUSTIN NEVER DID THAT YOUI BIG, BALD, RIP OFF!!!! Goldberg spit at him.

-GB wants to whip Bret...Bret wonít allow it...so GB clotheslines him. Goldberg screams, "YOUR BROTHER IS BURING IN HELL!!!!!!" (My GOD!!! ITíS A SHOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

-Bret gets him in a corner and starts to punch. Goldberg ainít selling anything....Bret sighs deeply and screams, "THAT HBK FAGGOT WAS MORE PROFESSIONAL!!!!!"

-Goldberg tries the Anklelock. Hart screams, "YOU AINíT NO SHAMROCK
EITHER!!!" and grabs the rope.

-Bret stalls a bit, but the big guy kept on his ankle.

-And stays on the thing.

-Eventually, Bret finds something deep inside and manages to get a sleeper hold on him.

-GB throws him off...he lands on the Ref

-Here comes Sid and the Outsiders....who, really, have been in the company WAAAY too long to be called "Outsiders"

-GB gives Sid a kick...but he was overwhelmed.

-Tony alleges that this is like the Red Sea crashing in on Moses midway through.

-Hall, Nash, and Sid take GB down....Bret miraculously recovers in time to roll on top of him and get the pin. Bret is the new US champ..and advances in the Title tourney. He has yet to announce if heís out of retirement yet...by the way.

The show ends.

Well..it was too long.

And too much of those Animals

BUT....I think I was the only one who liked the Outsider fluff match

And...RAW portrayed my little town as a bunch of racists

PLUS..last week I goofed on Mengís hair...AND goofed on Armstrongís lack of personality.....

This week....Meng got a new haircut and Armstrong talked about his personality.

Someoneís LISTENING TO MEEEEEEEEEEE

Nitro wins. BOOYAAAAAAAA

Closer time. Roughly 68 weeks ago, I ran a little thing where I asked you to tell me who in professional wrestling lit them up...who partook of the cancer weed....who sucked from the nectar of the nicotine....

Who smokes in Wrestling?

I got a great response.....the following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboroís....

Rocky Maivia
Lex Luger
El Gigante
Jason: The World's Sexiest man
Andre the Giant
Paul Wight
Yokozuna
Rick Rude (although he probably quit by now)
Nick Patrick
Tommy Rich
One of the Hebners...the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series
One of the white Dudleys
Superstar Bill Graham
Jim Duggan (in High school at least)
Jimmy Snuka
Shawn Michaels (at least when he's drunk)
Steve Regal
James Vandenberg
Gene Okerlund
Philip Lafon
Kane
Randy Savage

...and the two guys who elicited the MOST response...which tells me that they are BIG TIME chain smokers..

John Kronus
Jim Ross.

..Here are some guys who have been seen chewing tobacco...now I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade now..so I consider these guys my brothers in spit.

Terry Funk
Steve Austin
Rick Steiner
Dusty Rhodes
Dustin Rhodes
Rick Rude (again, chances are that he gave it up by now)

and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time....
TAZ

Well, seeing how that was WELL over a year ago, and my readership has grown by THOUSANDS since.....Iím thinking that I should be able to name a few more names to that list.....with your help...

Soooo...if ANY of you have EVER spotted a wrestler, (who are supposed to be ROLE MODELS!!!!!!!!!!) light up a butt and influence the 11 year olds by breathing deeply....let me know. Smoking is a FILTHY, DISGUSTING HABIT!!!!! So maybe by telling ME who you saw puffing away, youíll be helping THEM!!!!!!!

Double points if you saw them sparking doobage.....because if they did it in front of you, or anyone else...they deserve to be outed.

So, come on America...come on World....whoís risking your life by making you suck the secondhand smoke? Whoís callously making you part of their addiction? WHO HAD EXHALED AND HELPED TO POISON A HELPLESS BABY BEING STROLLED NEARBY??? MY GOD PEOPLE!!!! THINK OF THE BABIES!!!!!!! THEY ARE KILLING THE BABIES!!!!!!

Whoís smoking? I know you know.....time to dish.

Iím going home...wait, I am home...nevermind.

Swallow my luv

This is Hyatte