Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Read the Raw thing first...11/4/98
It's WCW, It's NITRO!!!!!!
err......that's pretty much all I got for a segue....let's just get to it...I'm tired.....F-you
Nitro: (or No Bischoff? No Hogan? NO PAGE? NITRO WINS!!!!!!!)
-opens with a camera shot through the SELLOUT CAPACITY CROWD. Tony welcomes us to FORT LAUDERDALE!!!!!!!!!
-Then pauses...thinks it over...decides that we need more information...then says..
-FLORIDAAAAA!!!!!!
-We are at the brand new "National Car Rental Center".....WCW must be in really dire fiscal straights if they are running Nitro at a Used car lot.
-I'd like to apologize for that lame joke. F-It, while I'm at it, I want to apologize for the rest of the lame jokes that are sure to permeate the rest of this recap, and the ones found in the RAW recap.
-Y'know...I'd just like to apologize for everything I've have ever and will ever do in this column.
-Screw the Jews!
-Y'see....now I can go nuts because I've pre-apologized for everything I will ever say!!!
-Canadians suck!
-SEE!!! I'm covered!!! HA HA HAAAAA!
-back to bizness.....Tony, "IT'S THREE HOURS OF THE STARS OF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!!!!!! IT'S THREE HOURS OF THE (drops voice tone to signify that we should boo these scoundrels) NEW WORLD ORDER!!! AND WE ARE JUST WEEKS AWAY FROM WORLD WAR 3!!!!!!"
-spot for World War 3...apparently, the November PPV will decide the fate of the Global Political structure for the new Millennium....judging from the ad. That's not bad, considering that World War 3's main event concept is the single WORST match in the history of the sport.
-Because THIS IS WCW!!! THE GREATEST, MOST ACTION PACKED, FINEST 3 HOUR WEEKLY SHOW ON TNT THAT GIVES US FANS EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT AT EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY!!!! AND BECAUSE WE LIKE.....NAY....CRAVE.....NAY AGAIN...DESPERATELY NEED HARD HITTING ACTION THAT ONLY WCW CAN SUPPLY......
-We get our first match.....Alex Wright Vs Norman Smiley.......
-Norman lost....but not before showing us Americans that even though he's British, he's still down with the homeboys by grabbing the mic and saying, "Pimps Bloody up, Ho's bleedin' down West of BuckingHAAAAAAAAAMM!!"
-Oh yes, F$@k X-Pac.....Alex Wright is the REAL EUROPEAN CHAMPION DAMMIT!!!!! Ran that raggedy ass Bulldog out of town, by God.
-Oh yeah, Tony announced that tonight's main event will be Bret Hart Vs. Lex Luger...it's a match of UNADULTERATED REVENGE ON BRET HART FOR HIS BRUTAL DESTRUCTION OF FELLOW WOLFPAC MEMBER STING AT HALLOWEEN HAVOC.....someone pinch me now.
-Of course, no one bothered to explain why the Pac couldn't run and help Sting right there at the MGM Grand.......
-Tony and the boys say hello...and pump up the show. Larry goes to meet his legions of fans.
-Video story set to music dealing with Bret Hart's attack on Page last week. The infuriating thing is that the music they used is the EXACT SAME MUSIC THAT THE WWF HAS USED IN THE FU&*^%$ PAST!!!!!!! MY GOD!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-I know....I retired that phrase..but when it gets as blatant as that, well...then I simply MUST bring it back.
-Opening theme...they had to wait to play it because Wright and Smiley were TOO DAMN ANXIOUS TO WAIT A SECOND LONGER FOR THEIR MATCH!!! THEY ARE COMPETITORS DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials....because Nitro's sponsors were TOO DAMN ANXIOUS TO WAIT A SECOND LONGER TO PEDDLE THEIR WARES!!!!!! THEY ARE CAPITALIST DAMMIT!!!!!
-The Nitro Girls dance, dance, dance....as well as hock, hock, hock the stuffing out of the new WCW/NWO Revenge game for Nintendo 64. This is how it works, first WCW comes out with a game for Playstation, then the WWF comes out with a better one.....then WCW counters with a BETTER game for Nintendo, then the WWF delivers a BETTER one for Nintendo....2 years later, both games systems are obsolete and they start again with a brand new more advanced game system....meanwhile, Hyatte's still trying to figure out Doom....then I'll move on to Myst.
-BRING BACK ATARI DAMMIT!!!!!!!!! God I miss Q Bert
-As Disco Inferno comes to the ring, Tony reels off all the one named Superstars that will be there tonight...Wrath, the Cat, Kidman, Psychosis, Raven, Kanyon, the Giant and maybe even Meng...but only if we promise not to switch channels all night long.
-Kaz Hayashi came to the ring looking pissed that he had to job to the mighty DINF. Tony discussed how Disco is clearly NOT a Cruiserweight....but he is still competing for the belt through some devious, underhanded shenanigans on his part.....(Meanwhile, Jericho has recently stated that he is 243 pounds...which is over 20 pounds heavier than the Cruiserweight limit....and he was Cruiserweight champ for a looong time. No, he didn't gain a single pound...this is just a nice little example of WCW LOGIC!!!!! WHERE WE ARE EXPECTED TO FORGET EVCERYTHING WE EVER KNEW ABOUT ANYTHING IN INCRIMENTS OF ROUGHLY 5 MINUTES!!!!!!!!)
-Such practices were developed by Vincent K. McMahon during the 80's......for you WCW die hards out there looking for equal ragging time.
-Tenay started to scream that Sonny Ono has been getting some sort of angle going, which is developing on the WCW Satu5rday night show. Since I can't be bothered to watch anything outside Mondays and 2 Sundays a month...I have no clue what he is speaking of....
-EXCEPT for the fact that it looks like Kaz Hayashi will take over for Jackie Chan against Ernest Miller in the coming months......I guess Bischoff thinks they all look alike. I sure don't.....ahem.
-midway through the match...Sonny Ono showed up. There was a cute inside joke from Zbyszko who asked if Ono got is rather gaudy suit from Bockwinkle. After 2 years on the bench, Larry actually made me smile....at this rate, he should make me smile again in the year 2001.
-That is...if I'm still watching this crap in the year 2001. Please shoot me if I am.
-The American won with a Piledriver...GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!! OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARRRRRLY LIIIIIIIIIGHTS, WHAT SO PROOOUDLY WE HAAAAAAAILED, AT THE TWILIGHTS LAST GLEAMING, AND THE ROOOOCKETS RED GLAAAAAAAARE, THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AAAAAAAAAAAAAIR, GAVE PROOOOOF THROUGH OUR NIIIIIIIIGHT THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THEEEEEEEERE, OH SAY DOES THAAAT STAR SPANGLED BAAAaaaNER YET WAAAAAaaaaAAAVE, FOR THE LAND AND FOR THE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, AND THE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOME OF OOOOOOOOOOOUR......BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVE.
-Remember...BUY BONDS!!!!
-Mean Gene brought out Booker T, who made up for lost time by making liberal use of the word "sucka"......then challenged Scott Hall because it was Hall who attacked him way back when. Problem is, us WCW groupies aren't supposed to remember what happened 5 minutes ago, never mind what happened 5 weeks ago. Who is this Booker T anyway? A rookie?
-Oh yes, he also promised Hall that he would "Kick ya, where the good Lord split ya"...if that isn't a catchphrase then DAMMIT, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS!!!!!!
-"It's gonna be on like neckbone" was another phrase he used. I have no clue what that means.
-commercials
-We see someone from Lynard Skynard in the seats. Along with the seats, he also got a plug from Tenay concerning their tour. I'm assuming it was a bus tour......or do I have the wrong band in mind?
-Scott Putski pulled out of Missy Hyatt in time (at least this time around) to wrestle Fit Finlay. Finlay came to the ring screaming to the camera, "I'm the King of Bleemin' Europe!!! Bloody mum shaggers the lot of ya!!! I hope ye spool ya rugs with French dank shafters with yer wagglers ya cap wearing corn shuckers!!!!!!"
-If you really need to know who won, then you got problems.
-Raven backstage started to ramble about something...then Kanyon showed up and asked him if this was the self pity party. I think we would all cheer if Kanyon would simply go away and never show his face on camera again...Hey Bischoff, this is the THIRD time you tried to push this guy.....and the third time it failed horrible...CUT YOUR LOSSES AND DUMP THIS FRIGGIN' LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-commercials
-Video thing with Jericho and Goldberg.
-Ernest "The Pussy" Miller came to the ring with Sonny Ono. Ono didn't take a picture with Miller, proving that WCW has FINALLY realized that blatant stereotypes are not only insulting, but offensive as well.
-They came to ringside. Before hitting the ring, Ono took off his shoes and bowed to the ref........sigh.
-Miller grabbed the mic and told the fans to shut up, ignoring the fact that they were pretty quiet to begin with. Then he told a fat chick to sit down, commenting that she took up 8 seats to do so.....which was funny.
-So he challenged someone to get out there and get his butt whupped....someone came out. I didn't recognize him, but Miller was good enough to inform us that it was Steve Armstrong.....or Scott......doesn't really matter.
-Miller gave him the 5 second thingy....didn't fly. Miller kicked him and ended the match quickly.
-Then Miller started to choke Steve or Scott...which made Steve or Scott run out from the backstage......Miller took him out too.
-Miller grabbed the mic, told someone to call his mother because he just whipped the "whole Armstrong family"......now you know why Road Dog has kept the name "Jesse James". The segment ended with Miller calling out the "Bullet" (Bob Armstrong, the proud Father of this brood....I smell an angle coming).
-Wrath killed Kendall Windham....when did the Nitro first hour become worse than WCW Worldwide?
-Naaah, scratch that....."Worldwide" is still the lamest piece of crap on the planet.....The Mop-Up comes a tight second.
-So, allow me to re-phrase...when did the Nitro first hour become AS BAD as WCW Worldwide?
-During either this match, or the last one, someone held up a sign that said, "READ THE LARIAT".....by all means, if you need to know every single House show result, no matter how repetitious it gets, then by all means.....go. If you're really good, you'll get Scherer to get down with his middle aged self and call you "da man".
-I hope you notice how I have no problems with reporting on what signs make it on camera..no matter which web site it is for......when a Hyatte sign shows up...everyone seems to go blind.....petty little fu*$s. Well...Zimmerman did it once, but I'm sure his "boss" gave him Hell for it. -Video stock of Bret Hart tuning on Dallas Page last week. Even though they already showed it tonight, we forgot about it...remember? Of course you didn't remember, you had forgotten it already. Remember what? Forgot what? Huh? Hello, this is the Mop-Up and I am Chris Hyatte.
-Meano Geno brings out Bret Hart, who was wearing a backwards baseball cap (YOU'RE 40 YEARS OLD HART!!!!!!!!!!!!........well, at least he looks better then when Bischoff tries to pull that youthful look off).
-Bret hit the ring and said that even though hurting people is fun, it also can result in personal injury....which means that he couldn't wrestle tonight because of a groin pull. Load of crap....I've pulled my groin PLENTY of times and NEVER couldn't work because of it.....Hell, I'm pulling my groin now......I'm thinking of Carmela and pulling away.....now I'm tugging....now I'm yanking........Oh baby...OHHH(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION) between the "G" key and the "H" key.....man, I hope it doesn't screw the whole keyboard up......gross.
-Anywhoo.....Hart sold up this injury thing, which made Luger come out. One thing led to your mother and Hart ended up in the Torture Rack.....need the finer details? Of course not.
-Oh okay, this is important...Luger attacked Hart with a clothesline (Tony acted like he never saw that before) part of Luger's fist took out Okerlund...which made me leap out of my chair and do that dance that all the Hip-Hoppers are doing now.....you know, the "Stirring the Big Ass Pot" move....all the while screaming, "GO LEXY, GO LEXY. GO LEXY, GO LEXY"
-Then I noticed my neighbors were staring at me from there windows....I stopped.
-Then I noticed I was naked......I dropped to the floor.
-Then I noticed I still had that boner from my little Carmela session.....when I go down, I go down in flames, dude.
-NOTE: as I type this, I took a 10 minute break to check out the election results, over on MSNBC, I tune in on time to see Jesse Ventura speak to his supporters in a very positive manner. Then they cut to Anchor Brian Williams who says, and I quote, "That sounds very much like a acceptance speech, but NBC is not ready to hand the election over to Jesse.......The Body.........Ventura." Never in a million years did I think I'd hear a network anchorman utter that phrase.
-Anyways, Luger ended up putting Hart in the Torture rack. WCW refs charged as if the script depended on it. Tony had fits and we were sent off to some more....
-commercials
-Tony and the kids were rather dubious about Bret Hart's supposed injury, and were equally disgusted in Eric Bischoff's stunt last week where he delivered on his promise to show Ric Flair wrestling on his TV show...then playing a clip of Hogan/Flair back when Hogan was good, Flair was evil, and the world rallied around the power of Hulk-a-mania...remember though, no matter what the "competition" says, it was NOT A RATINGS PLOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-anyway....because Bischoff says so..and because RAW is on..and because they realize that LIVE ACTION WITH THE TOP STARS OF THIS SPORT WHO ARE HAPPILY RESIDING WITHIN THE WOMB OF WCW!!!! has so far refused to make a real dent in the ratings...they better show some footage of Hogan fighting Flair in a cage at Halloween Havoc some 4 years ago.......throw away those remotes kids, and bask in the glory....
-By the way, Hogan won.....it was four years ago....I would hope you knew that by now
-Still, I enjoyed it.....
-and Mr. T was there..looking like he ate the corpse of George Peppard
-Having enough of this crap, the Horsemen come out in full force..even Mongoi is there....apparently, convinced that he was sufficiently hidden from view during that NBC special...I'M ON TO YOU BUDDY BOY!!!!! I MAY BE THE LONE VOICE OF REASON IN A SEA OF INTERNET FU*&BRAINS!!!!! BUT I AM ON TO YOU!!!!!!!!
-In the ring, Arn Anderson told some sort of TRUTH..that Eric Bischoff wanted us to not hear.....
-Did I say TOLD?? I meant TRIED TO TELL...'cause I'm not sure what he was talking about....
-Which didn't stop Arn's speech from being KICKASS BABY!!!!! YEEEEAAAAHHHHH.
-See, I'm not totally against WCW.....they do good things..from time to time!
-Eric Flair added a little something by screaming, " MEEEAN, WHOO, MY GOD, GENE!!!!! (Hey, works for me)....
-Then Flair speaketh the truth by stating that Bischoff will never get respect because he never paid the price.......truer words were never spoken........
-BUT....since this was all a way to get Bischoff in the ring with Flair, and since that was about getting Bischoff heat..it all rang to me as rather forced....sorry.
-Melanie chimed in by saying that he has plans for Raven....
-Then Beloit added nothing...
-and Mongol re-enforced Beniots's previous statement.
-Then Gene sent us off to some.....
-commercials
-Second hour arrived ten minutes late....simply because 60 MINUTES WAS SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH TO CONTAIN THE FURY, THE DRAMA, THE UNADULTERATED ACTION THAT WAS THE FIRST HOUR OF THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-According to Tony..that is
-Nitro Girls video...BECAUSE THEY ARE THE REASON FOR THE 7.5 RATING LAST WEEK!!!!!! SCREW THAT PAGE/GOLDBERG PPV REPLAY YTHAT THE COMPETITION LABELED AS A RATINGS PLOY..THE NITRO GIRLS IS WHAT KEEPS THOSE DAMN REMOTES GLUED TO TNT AND NITRO DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-God, I am so drunk now it isn't even funny
-Then the Nitro Chicks treat us to a Live dance...Larry Z tried to wax poetic about the wonderment that is AC Jazz...........He just sounded like a horny old man looking to stick his 9 Iron in a very naughty place.
-commercials (finally)
-spot for Goldberg...it may have been for a new t-shirt......or it may have been just a clip showcasing his unbridled fury.......either way, he still sucks.
-IWGP Champion, Scott Norton comes to the ring with Vincent.....Norton's tongue stayed backstage.
-Then that Van Hammer douchebag showed up...I'm blowing this off simply because I would really prefer to live my life without Van Hammer being involved in my life in any way, shape, or form.
-we see Bret hart being taped up around his rib area...lousy Canadian...I HOPE THE TAPE STICKS REAL GOOD AND YANKS OUT SOME OF THAT BODY HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY BRET???? WHY????
-Saturn was in the ring...he challenged Eddie Guererro to a re-match from last week where the LWO KICKED ASS AND TOOK NAMES BABYU!!!!!!!!!!
-Of course.....one INS agent and have these gringos will bail out on Eddie faster than Road Runner in a Wile E. Coyote Acme trap.
-Eddie did come out and promise to "Latinize" Saturn......I have no clue if it involves inbreeding.
-You have no idea how many people I just pissed off on that line.....fortunately. I already pre-apologized for it...HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
-The LWO showed up and what you would expect happen happened.....how beating up Saturn draws them any closer to getting Bischoff to kiss their "you know what" is as beyond my grasp as Jenni Craig is beyond Sean Shannon's grasp.
-Then Konnan came to the ring...and told Saturn that Eddie was just using these boys much like Raven used the Flock...he conveniently skipped the part about how Bischoff won't allow them to wrestle in Mexico anymore.....I know I should know the story better...BUT I COULD GIVE A FLYING SH*T
-Then Konnan told Eddie that he wasn't "La Raza":......I'd call that a compliment....but I'm as white as they come, so what do I know about anything hip-hop? Hell, I can't even figure out the Backstreet Boys.
-It ended with Eddie strongly hinting that K-Dick was a sellout, and then inviting him to kiss their "you know what".
-Konnan left...and was walked out by someone named Alex Rodrigues......Tony gave birth, Tenay scrambled for his notes....I went and took a pee.
-spot for the NWO Wolfpac t-shirt.
-commercials
-Video thingy of the sheer HORROR of Scott Steiner attacking JJ Dillon!!!!! Find me one guy who booed this attack and I'll mail you a dollar.
-Scott Steiner hit the ring with Buff Bagwell....
-Then Kenny Kaos came out..just when I was about to hit the fast forward button....
-JJ Dillon cut off Kaos midway and demanded that they cut the music. Steiner went after Dillon but the script, and WCW security cut him off from enacting any real damage.
-But Steiner was not to be denied...he chased Dillon off...yelled a few words that were not suitable for TNT...then stormed off. Dillon raided the Food Court, then came back with a mouthfull of Kung Pow Chicken and an announcement...of course, this blood curdling announcement would have to wait through the next set of.....
-commercials
-AND another video clip of the Nitro Girls.....because they keep Nitro afloat...F**k the ratings.
-Tony announced that the Nitro Girls always left the entire announcing team with raging hardons...HE SAID IT!!!! I SWEAR!!!!!
-Because a video was nowhere NEAR enough to satisfy our appetites...one of them gave us a solo dance in the ring..
-Tony pushes the Nitro Party..... either Dillon's announcement was deemed to trivial for Nitro, or I fast forwarded througyh the whole thing......either way, your lives shouldn't change one bit.
-commercials
-Psychosis came out as Tenay demanded for the excommunication of Scott Steiner.
-Then Rey Mysterio Jr came out. Rey won....just like he always does against this guy.
-Oh? You want more?? Okay..the guy in the mask controlled, then the other guy in the other mask controlled for a while, then the guy in the mask took it back, then the guy in the other mask controlled for a while longer...One thing led to your mother and the guy in the mask won. Happy now?
-Mean Gene brought out Chris Jericho...who came out wearing a Goldberg T-shirt. Jericho stated that since everyone now knows the deepest, darkest, secrets of pro wrestling, (MY GOD!!!! HE JUST RIPPED OFF MICK FOLEY!!!!!!!!!! THAT BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!), he let us all in on another little secret...he really respects Bill Goldberg.
-AND...he used to play football.....no one bought that concept...even though he used to played football..if my memory served....Canadian football.....I know, but still...
-In the end, Jericho has a LOT of respect for Goldberg.....I can't think of any other guy who could make such an obvious squash interesting....
-commercials
Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2