Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The endeth doth become...Hail the saints...11/4/98 -Third hour fireworks arrive......my thanks to God and his bountiful gifts. -Raven came out...... -Then Dean Malenko came out..... The announcers moaned about Raven's death wish.....and his unwillingness to compete against THE SUPER STARS OF WCW!!!!!!!! WHAT IS RAVEN THINKING OF?????? THIS IS WCW!!!!!! EVERYBODY COMPETES!!!!!!!!! -Lodi showed up, then Mongo showed up to chase him away.... -Then Kanyon showed up...(God WHY??????) -Then Benoit showed up...YEEEEEEES -Then Hart showed up.............eh -Then the Giant showed up...and the bell rang...don't know, don't care...I'm in cruise control baby. -I do like this Bret Hart heel thingy tho'..it's really cool. -commercials -Kidman fought Jericho..I don';t know, Kidman always looks like he hates it there....he looks totally bored with the whole deal... -meanwhile, Jericho looks like he is having the time of his life....he even had his seurity with him...the security is still Internet "guru" (as called by Internet suck up, Rick Scaia) Bob Ryder..... -so, the match is on...and a splendid match at that....Jericho owned most of it.....then it ended in a draw. You missed something special if you missed this puppy! -commercials -JJ Dillon and Kenny Kaos raided the Announcer booth in time to state that Bagwell and Steiner have been fined more money than we will ever see in a lifetime.... -Then Steiner ran in and chased everyone way.....seeing Schiavone run makes this the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Then Steiner said that WCW sucks...which was edited......and he badmouthed Piper, which made me cheer. -Then Bagwell called out Kenny Kaos, because he really has nothing to do with this.... -Then Steiner beat up Kaos...GODDAMMIT!!!!!! I LIKE THIS STEINER PRICK!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Scott Hall comes out..and Hyatte be skating fast through the rest of this show...because real life beckons me. -Hall did his thing.....and he was straight.... the NWO Black and White won easily...according to him at least... -Booker T came out...t'was a jam -t'was a long jam...Booker T. looked to be in fine form... -Tony, "That's one thing about Nitro...you have to watch ALL THE TIME because you NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!!!!!!!!" -The ref went down and another ref showed up to DQ Hall.....don't know, don't care -commercials -Buffer makes us sick with his repetitive silliness.... -the Giant comes out.... -Luger comes out.... -They face off......and the jam begins... -and the Giant dominates..... -and he dominates s'more -then Luger rebounds... -Then Bret Hart shows up with a chunk of the safety rail... -Then Goldberg runs in.....spears the Giant.... -Goes to spear hart, but nails Lugged instead. -Tony scrreams goodnght. RAW wins, F-You Okay, this'll be a kick. Plus, it'll also be useful for anyone out there with the balls to actually try it. Since I have been accused of trying to be the Howard Stern of the Internet Wrestling scene, (right now my room is filled with naked women...I'm shaving one right now.....ooops, I nicked an area...now she's bleeding.......oh, wait a second....it's just her period...never mind) I figured I would go with it. F-it....I'd rather be called a Stern rip-off then an Imus rip-off, or a Rush Limbaugh rip-off. (Note: Mancow does not count here....basically because since he is a well known Stern rip-off, wouldn't that make him a Hyatte rip-off by default?). Anywhoo...as "influenced" as I am by Stern, I thought I'd do a little Stuttering John impression and post some questions that anyone could ask any wrestler they happen to meet. Heat up the printers kids, and grow those nutsacks..because it'll take a rather LARGE set to ask these questions to there faces, (but think of the lawsuits should they attack...THINK OF THE MILLIONBS YOU CAN MAKE!!!) Note: When reading these, try to picture the wrestlers faces as they hear the questions...it adds to the attempted comedy here. To Goldberg: -Where did you get the idea for 3:16? -Do you have any natural resentment for Alex Wright? -Can I borrow $5? -Where can I get one of those "Austin Rules, Goldberg Sucks" t-shirts? -Why won't WCW allow you to wear a Yamaka? -Are you, Raven, and Kidman part of a mini "klique"? To Steve Austin: -When will you grow back your long flowing blonde hair? -Will the streak end at 200? -Where can I get a "Rock" t-shirt? -Are you planning to convert to Judaism to increase your popularity. -Don't you think you can do more with your career than just being a Goldberg rip-off? -Shouldn't you thank Bischoff for making your career? -Do you laugh at Bret Hart? -I forget, did you ever beat Bret Hart? -How can you call yourself a success when Mickey Whipwreck has a win over you? -Who are you again? To Pat Patterson: -Oh..leave the poor guy alone -Okay..just one......Ever listen to Queen? To Hulk Hogan: -Who are you again? -Aren't you ashamed of those movies? -Admit it, you miss Vince. -Was it your intention to ruin the Re-Match of the Century? -Do you have to buy your pants 3 sizes too large to make room for Bischoff? -Do you shove a magnet up your ass so Ed Leslie's face will always be drawn to it? -Ever consider shaving your head totally and begin drinking beers? -Have you ever been in Rolling Stone? -Are you angry that you never came up with "Hulk 3:16"? To DDP: -How long does it take to mow Bischoff's lawn? -How heavy are Bischoff's luggage? -Why do you call yourself the REAL "People's Champ"? Is it a racist thing? -Isn't it time to trade Kimberly in for a younger model? -When was the last time you slept? -Shouldn't you apologize to the fans for that whole Leno thing? -Shouldn't you apologize to the fans for that whole Malone thing? -Shouldn't you apologize to the fans? -Ever bang Raven? -Ever bang Patterson? To Earthquake/The Shark/John Tenta/Golga -If you were a fish, what fish would you be? To Eric Bischoff: -Who are you anyway? -How's it going Shane? -You have millions of free dollars, a huge talent base, and Hulk Hogan in your pocket, so why is RAW killing you? -Does hunting Deer, Pheasants, and Bears make you feel like a man? -You were beat up a lot as a child weren't you? -Shouldn't your testicles have dropped by now? -Why push Kanyon? For the love of God why? -What does my pulse tell you? -Can I beat you up right now? -Aren't you the one who fired Austin? -Aren't you the one who fired Sean Waltman? (NOTE: After asking either of those last two questions..you must start to giggle hysterically) To Tony Schiavone: -How can you sleep at night? -Do you avoid mirrors at all cost? -Do you spend every broadcast with a cattle prod up your ass? -Have you ever called a match? -Can I punch you in the face? -Do you know about Hyatte's bounty on you? To Mike Tenay: -Don't move! There's a giant Albino spider on your head! Oh, wait a second..it's just your bald spot. (not really a question...but a Hell of an ice breaker) -How long did it take to get an ass like that? -What do you think of Korn's new CD? -Ever feel like turning to Tony and punching him in the face? To Mark Madden: -Ever hear of the NWWWO? Didn't think so. And that is the last NWWWO shot I will ever take in this column.....contrary to what they think, I AM the one who decides when it's over.... It's over..... Speaking of over...time for me to hit the bricks. Obligatory congrats to Lady Miss Carrie and Ed Zohn for their upcoming nups....of course, I hope Eddie is well aware that a snap of my fingers and Carrie would desert him in a New York minute for me! Relax superchief, who am I to break up loving couples? Good luck and all that jazz...you have my permission to take her hand in marriage. It's Wednesday, so the voting is over....I really and truly hope that you did NOT VOTE AT ALL!!!!! Voting is for suckers who really think anyone gives a rip about what you have to say. It's all rigged anyway, and polls usually call the winner long before it closes anyway. Plus, registering for voting also registers you for jury duty...how lame is that? I don't vote because my vote doesn't count....and neither does yours. So DON'T VOTE!!!! IT'S NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE!!! LONG LIVE THE FAMILIA, LONG LIVE COMMUNISM!!!!! If the day should come where everyone on the planet has voted.....and it's a dead tie, and my vote is the tiebreaker...then I'll do it. Until then, screw it....it makes no difference with anything. Trust me on this.....even if I got a THOUSAND people to vote for someone....it wouldn't make a dent in the outcome. Argue all you want about it...it's the cold hard truth. Voting is just a way to make us feel like we are a part of the government system......it's designed to remind us how lucky we are to be in a free country. Just say NO to voting. You need leadership? Don't worry, just listen to me and you'll be all set in life. And congrats to Jesse Ventura for bucking all the odds and actually winning the election.....he is now Minnesota's Governor. And in case you care to know, Howard Stern has officially congratulated Ventura on his win. He seemed genuinely happy about it too. This Ventura election is pretty big news folks...keep your eyes opened. For the record...I'll bet that Ross and Lawler may say something about Jesse next week on RAW...but the WCW boys will stay quiet. And this means that the next time Nitro comes to Minnesota, they will HAVE to let Ventura in....heh...can't wait for that show! And Sean Shannon is a loser...he knows it too. (okay, now THAT'S the last one) Now send me money. This is Hyatte (You damn skippy) Chris Hyatte
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