Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

yeah, it starts here. . . 11/4/98 NOTE: I know. I know.....blame Microsoft. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. 1)Hey Chris I just checked out www.sabu.com The site is a f*@$ing gay site. It reads "For men who like men". Could you please give me the actual site for ECW and Sabu please. 2) chris, have u been to www.sabu.com? u might want to check it out, if I went to wrong site please tell me it's says the magazine for men who love men, it's a Japanese gay site u might want to look at it, 3) Well the first thing that comes to your mind is I spelled your last name wrong well I didn't cause you are an ugly prick! The hell with it! You go out and pretend you are cool on the net! But then in the REAL world you are a LOSER! Why not write like Jeff Lyles for a change! Why not ask Al for some skills? Cause I just read your Mop-ups and they are the worst articles on the web! 4) Just checked out sabu.com... What kind of bullsh*t a$$hole prank was THAT?!? Hey, I work in an office that allows personal use of the web on occasion, as long as we DON'T VISIT PORNO SITES, ya' knucklehead!!! Fer Chrissakes, have you looked at that page lately? Do yer research before you go telling us to visit sites in the future. 5) That SABU website of yours was REALLY hard to explain to the co-workers. You're a str8-up ASS. 6) Screw you Hyatte!!!Screw you to hell!!! 7) Sabu.com my ass! 8) Damnit, I was at work and I opened up that www.sabu.com page and now all my co-workers think I'm GAY! Well, I am gay but that's beside the point. 9) F-you Hyatte!!!!!! 10) nice jerkoff, you really think you're funny giving that website on your crap column. You know many times you are funny, but if you're trying to prove to yourself how big an ass you can be, you're not far from the record of biggest ass. Why don't you realize that you have no power in the world of wrestling, no one cares in the business about you Why don't you grow a set you jackass. 11) I don't know if the Sabu website was a joke or if you put down the wrong address, but www.sabu.com takes you to a nude male website. That is extremely horrid and uncalled for if that was a joke. If it wasn't a joke then please post the correct address. 12) Please, some advance warning before I find myself surrounded by pictures of half-naked men. 13) Either you are one sick puppy or you want to turn all your fans agains you. www.sabu.com???? Dammit Hyatte That was absolutely disgusting!!!!!! And Don't you even deny that you didn't know that, that is Patterson's favorite site. That was NOT cool, you know there are kids under 18 reading this hell I was when I started reading, was it 2 years ago??. That was damn near sickening. What if some kid's mother just happened to walk into the room as the kid went to check out this site that you advertised?? Ugh that IS the worst thing you have done. (NOTE: Oddly enough, the author of this letter calls himself TRIPLE X) 14) I could have lived my entire life without seeing that...thing and died a happy man. But no. The only question I have is....why the HELL did you have that address? Hello people, I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. I had a week off courtesy of our good friends at Microsoft, but now I'm back...and the chain of recapping command is back in it's regular order. We got lots of things to get to this week, two weeks worth in fact. I'll try to keep things brief, but don't bet the farm. About www.sabu.com.... 1: Yes, it was a goof...most of you got that and laughed. 2: Yes, some of you acted vehemently.....grow up...they're just pictures, they don't bite and they don't automatically make you gay. 3: No, I didn't find it on my own...I was suckered into it on ICQ...the guy wanted me to post his address for some reason, but I can't remember it right at the moment. 4: I did it because the opportunity was too funny to pass up....if I could see the looks on your faces when you went in there looking for some wrestling stuff....BWAHAHAA.... 5: I have no idea if Pat Patterson has any knowledge of it's existence....I don't even know if Pat has ever surfed the net....I'm sure he's done a little "surfing" in his time, but I doubt the Web has anything to do with it. The thing I'm wondering is.....what must the guy who runs that site be wondering now? When he checked it out two weeks ago and saw thousands and thousands of hits on his page for the first time (at least I would hope...or we are all in trouble). Of course, I did it all because I can, and because you didn't see it coming. Last Monday I pulled a little guest radio appearence again on Rob and the Gang's "Inside the Squared Circle" on Boston's 109.1 WRBB. This time around...I KICKED ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well....not really...I sucked..but only HALF of my jokes bombed.....that's pretty good for me. If you are in the Boston area Mondays around 5..give them a listen..they bust each others balls more than talk about wrestling.....but it's all good. Finally, I heard from a few sources that a certain web guy made QUITE a dickbag out of himself at the NWA 50th anniversary gala. A certain OLD web guy. Apparently, he was wearing a shirt with his web site's address on it and he was doing some sort of stupid dance all night. This MARRIED guy also had his hands all over some chippy who was in her teens....(it may have been his daughter). No names, but I'm sure you can figure it out, if you really, really want to try. And no..it wasn't Al Isaacs And no, it wasn't Al Isaacs who told me either. It wasn't Bob Ryder either.....but you are getting waaarrrrrmer. What else.....umm...oh yeah...no more "flame" (sheesh...how queer) wars for a while.....which is really hard since one of those nitwits (the fat one....which doesn't really narrow things down...how about the one who refuses to answer his ICQ or e-mails....much better) gave me a HUGE opening recently....but I'm tired of watching them scramble in trying to deal with me in an "intelligent" manner....and bombing out It was funny...but now it's boring me.....too easy...WAAY too easy. I expected more...so much more.....sigh. I SWEAR...Mongo was one of those wrestlers on that NBC special......that's all I have to say on that. Other than I also think Pillman was in there too......but I could be wrong on both counts. I thought the ECW PPV sorta blew really. Third rate camera work. It looked more like cable access than a professional production at times. No, I wasn't the one who held up the sign that read "CRZ IS MY BITCH"......I wasn't even there. Besides, if I WAS there, I wouldn't hold up a sign like that.....I mean, who am I to point out the obvious? Note...it blew by ECW standards, which means it kicked the crap out of any average WCW PPV....and most WWF In Your House offerings. Okay, that's all I have right now. Smell that? That's the stink of burnt butt hair. No, it isn't a BBQ at Patterson's house...it simply me lighting up the giant fart that is Monday night...hold your noses and grab the bactine....'cause someone's been eating beans and the Zippos are all refilled and ready to go....spark "em up flyboys and watch the natural fireworks! Because it's a gas, gas, GAS!!!!! (oy) RAW IS WAR (or How to say the word "Carnage" 90 times in a two hour broadcast) -opens with a video thing of the tearjerking scene between father and son from last week. Like sands through the hourglass, so is this waste of our lives. It also includes a couple of old time shots of Vince from yesteryear....just so you can see the progression from "ntural hair" to the "toupee years" (This is most noticeable when we see him talking to Andre the Giant in the late 70's....notice that hairline that seemed to have rebounded over the course of 20 years). -No fireworks, no opening theme, no fan frenzy, no camera pans to show the world that the WWF IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT OTHER SHOW ON THE NAZI FASCIST TURNER OWNED NETWORK THAT SUPPORTS THE CLUBBING OF BABY SEALS, SUPPORTS RACIAL DISCRIMINATION, AND SUPPORTS THE STIFLING OF CREATIVE EXPRESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAY GOD DAMN THE BACKWARDS PUIGS OVER AN TNT AS WELL AS ANYONE WHO WORKS FOR TED "KILL "EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT IT OUT" TURNER!!!!!!!!! -No..they get right to business because 2:10 minutes is nowhere NEAR long enough to put together a Nitro squashing live show... -By the way...I saw last week's show. naturally.....no Vince did NOT overact to his son's rebellion...I don't care who says he did. Vinnie played it up beautifully. remember, he is SUPPOSED to be a snotty, power hungry millionaire who's used to having everything go his way. It was a nice performance. -I wonder...does Shane still suck now? -So..opening things up, out comes ERIC BISCHOFF!!!! HOLY FU&%$*# CHRIST!!!!!! BUISHOFF HAS DEFECTED FROM WCW AND HAS FINALLY JOINED THE WWF!!!! NOW WATCH AS EVERY SINGLE FRIGGIN' WEB GUY (including me) BECOMES A HYPOCRITE AND NOW DISCUSS HOW COOL BISCHOFF IS!!! THIS IS GONNA BE THE SHOOT INTERVIEW OF THE CENTURY BABY!!!!!!!! -Oh....wait......it's not Bischoff...it's Shane McMahon...Bischoff still sucks. -So, Shane comes out and starts slapping hands with the fans....this looks DANGEROUSLY close to an attempt to get Shane over with the fans. -Shane is also thumping his chest, then bringing his hand straight out....well, "Sieg Heil" to you too...you Nazi prick!! -So again...Shane hits the ring....they are in Houston Texas by the way. -WILL THIS BE THE NIGHT VINCE MCMAHON PASSES THE TORCH AND BEQUEATHS ALL HIS FORTUNE TO HIS SON SHANE??????????? WILL THIS BE THE NIGHT THE COURSE OF THE MIGHTY WWF RIVER WILL FINALLY BE CHANGED?????? WILL THIS BE THE NIGHT SEAN SHANNON GETS HIS FAT ASS LAID????????????? -err........the answer is no......on all three counts......especially the third. -So again and again, Shane announces that "in the absence of his Father, it is his duty to announce that "Stone Cold" Steve Austin will get the very first title shot against the winner of the Survivor Series tournament the very next night on RAW....crowd pops.... -which leads us to.....and since they do NOT want a replay of that horrid trouncing that Nitro gave them last week (remember...it was NOT A RATINGS PLOY).... -The arrival of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin....and out he comes. Ross has time to pump up the night's festivities before... -we see a Limo pull up...DEAR GOD!!!! IT'S THE NWO!!!!! THEY ARE INCADING THE WWF AND FINALLY MAKING GOOD ON THEIR..... -oh F-It....my heart's not into it... -The Limo hold's Vincent K. McMahon, who is greeted by his cronies, Slaughter, Brisco, and the ever frothy Pat Patterson. Naturally, it is Pat who is pushing the wheelchair for his bossman. -Speaking of which, the Big Bossman is there too. -Back to the ring....Austin is greeting the crowd... -Before Austin can talk, Vince is wheeled out to the entrance way and he is already talking....."Well, I'm sure we all want to hear from STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, but better than that....STOP IT" at which point, Patterson whips his hands away from the wheelchair......... -Then Vince screamed "STOP IT!!!!" again...which made Patterson jump about two feet back....I don't even want to guess what was going on. -With that settled, Vince began his tirade of the night........broken down like this... -as to his "rumored" retirement (a rumor that WAS mentioned by Al Isaacs, but he was NOT alone..so don't blame him alone....blame all the other jerkweeds too)...Vince said that "some would call it...poppy cock"...to which Patterson jumped up and down and screamed.......well.....let's just leave that be for now shall we? Of course, the end result was that Vince wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon. -The crows started to chant "ASSHOLE", which made Vince say, "oh no", and which also made Patterson scream, "WHAT ABOUT IT?????? I DIDN'T DO NUTHIN!!!!!!" -To wrap this part of his tirade up, Vince said that the day he retires from this organization is the day he dies!!! (Which made Patterson bend down and whisper, "You bequeathed your rectum to me right Boss? I promise to take care of it!!!....Vince shrugged him off.) -To Shane, he told him that he is relieving him of his "corporate" responsibilities...and from this moment on..he will be reduced to the role as "lowly referee", and if he sucks at that job....Papa will bust him down to an even lower....back down to....and God Help Shane....to Patterson's pool boy.......and you have NO IDEA where Pat keeps his "Chlorine". -Still on Shane, Vince said that he had "Hurt him...he had scarred him." And also brought up the fact that Shane said that he was a "lot like his father". But after some soul searching and some heavy script reading, Vince realized that Shane was nothing like him....oh no...Shane was really a LOT like his MOTHER!!!!!!" (thus openth el dooro for an appearance by Linda (I OWN IT ALL) McMahon in the immediate future). -Back to Austin, he said that Austin won't be fighting the new champ the day AFTER the SS tourney.....no, he'll be fighting the new champ AT the SS. See, Vince did the math and figured that Austin will have fought 4 times that night already. Of course, he forgot to carry the two and discover that whoever won the belt would ALSO have to wrestle four times that night too.......either that or they have some plans already in mind.....that that's not possible. Is it?? I mean, this is all about competition isn't it? IT'S ALL REAL ISN'T IT???????? -Then Vince announced that Austin would be facing the Big Bossman in the opening round of the Survivor Series....Ross sounded like he just passed a gallstone. -Finally, to the crowd, Vince said that he has heard the constant chant of the word "asshole" as of late......but it wasn't HIM who was the "asshole"...it was all of THEM who were the real "asshole"(s).....at least I admit it. -Vince was wheeled out. Ross asked why there was a cage hanging over the ring tonight..then proclaimed that no matter what happened, it was going to be a "wild night". -spot for Stone Cold's official web site...yes, now there is ANOTHER site dedicated to Austin...only this time..the chances are slightly better that he will visit this one....cross those fingers fan boys. -commercials -While we were gone, Vince came back out and was lecturing the announcers for one thing or your mother...I tuned back in too late to hear. What I DID hear was Vince promise to drop the aforementioned cage down and that someone will pay paying "hard time"......boy, I'll tell ya'...I paid some hard time once. In the county slam....but it was several years ago, and thankfully...I blocked most of it out......thankfully. -back to live action, DX comes out without HHH, HBK, or the broad.......which really, barely makes it DX if you think about it....then again, X-Pac is there...and he is/was part of the "Clique"...so I guess it still works. -They hit the ring and Road Doggy does his thing...which REALLY heated up the crowd...(Lordy, am I nuts or is 9 out of every 10 WWF crowds totally pumped for the shows?). -As Road Dog did his thing, the camera cut to a chubby fellow who had trouble mouthing along......then he dug into a hotdog and had no problem mouthing that puppy..... sources tell me it may have been Sean Shannon. -I guess they are putting that Bad Ass defection off for a while.....maybe until Shawn Michaels is closer to coming back to action. -Then the Brood came out...the Brood consisted of Gangrel, Christian, and the Edge......when the Edge turned heel..I don't know. Why the Edge turned heel.. I don't know, how the Edge turned heel..I don't know. Where the Edge turned heel..I don't know. Why I should care about this anyway..I DON'T KNOW!!!! -I DO know that someone wrote to me and said they had a sign that read "Z-SMOOTH FEARS PATTERSON" at the show.....since I don't know who this "Z Smooth" is....or what his connection to me is, I'll drop it. -Anywhoo, the Brood hit the ring and we see that Kane had a big impact on the Edge's heel turn.....okay, if they say so. -The Brood all proved that they were worth every cent of their hefty little contracts, as did X-Pac and Bad Ass. Road Dog still looked like Ernest Miller would give him trouble. -Things degenerated (how appropriate) into a battle royal right on cue....just so that... -The lights went out...Ross dumbly declared a power outage, then made a beeline for the buffet table backstage. -He was back in time to see Kane come out and clean house...ending in a double chokeslam on both Edge and Christian....word is that Ross still had Pepperoni on his chin...he had to eat fast. -None of this prevented X-Pac from getting off his Bronco Buster move on Gangrel. Ross spit out half his Pizza Hut Sicilian and screamed, "DX AND THE BROOD HAVE JUST EXPERIENCED........HELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!" He also used the word "carnage" twice. -commercials -during the break, we see that Vince and the Bossman paid a visit to Michael Kole. Vince asked Kole to tell him what he asked him last week after Shane's betrayal. After good old Michael reminded him that he simply asked he felt, Vince had the Big Bossman grab him by the throat and choke him.......Kole's family now has heat for the winter by the way. -Droz hit the ring in full LOD garb.....we see that he is tasking on Hawk through some nonsense that started on Sunday Night Heat...(sorry, I was busy taking notes while watching WRESTLING'S GREATEST SECRETS EXPOSED!!!!! I was surprised that one of the wrestlers took off his mask and revealed himself to be none other than the magician VALENTINO!!!!!) -Then Hawk hit the ring...and he was back to being drunk again.....things lasted as long as they could, then Animal showed up and broke things up...yelling at Hawk and walking out with Droz. All I could do was stare at Hawk's belly and cry. Time marches on like the she-bitch she is. -Apparently, during this fiasco, Vince was laying the law down on none other than James E. (I really do matter to this company...I really, really do!) Cornette. Luckily, the camera was there to catch it!!!!! (Oh Joy). Vince berated Jim on his clothing taste and his tendency to favor the "80's style of rasslin'" Cornhole apologized about a dozen times as Bossman held him against a wall. Boy, I tells ya'...if Bobby Eaton was there, BOSSMAN WOULD HAVE BEEN EATING FLOOR BABY!!!! BEAUTIFUL BOBBY WOULDN'T HAVE BROOKED THIS SILLINESS!!!!!!! Stan Lane would have got his ass whipped...the fag. -I wonder if Cornette's Momma is still alive? -commercials Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 2