Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

yeah, it middles here. . .11/4/98 -Michael Kole recovered fast enough to talk to Al Snow and Mankind. Al Snow immediately made me feel good about life by calling Kole "Todd" (never thought I'd miss that guy), then continued the angle over who's silly little puppet was most annoying...even though they are both more over than Goldberg. Mankind also made his mic presence felt once again by saying that he learned a lot from that "Wrestling's Greatest Secrets" show.....(MY GOD!!!!! HE RIPPED OFF JERICHO!!!!!!!) -The Oddities hit to the ring......acting like Public Enemy with a nasty case of elephantitus. -We see that ZZ Top is the house.....or at least one of them. I think of ZZ Top and think two things... 1: Is the fact that the only one without a beard named Frank Beard a little joke? Or a sweet taste of irony? 2: Where exactly is this girl who lives on the hill? The one who won't do it, but her sister will? And does she take the WCW credit card? -Pressing forward....Mankind and Snow took on Golga and Kurrgan....things progressed as expected.... -Ross announced that Vince just had an "altercation" with Howard Finkle......anyone give a rat's ass? -Someone apparently ripped Mr. Socko from Mankind's foot and the fat ass didn't even notice....we are expected to believe this. -So, Mankind ran away in search of his sock...Snow really put up a good fight, and an upset really looked good. But the WWF still remembers all the years he jobbed away cheerfully and brought him back to reality by having him lay down for the pin. Meanwhile, Golga ain't no fish. -Backstage with Vince. He wheeled upon a mass of wrestlers backstage. He saw someone and asked if he had a backstage pass, it was none other than famed rapper, movie star, and occasional basketball player SHAQUILLE O'NEIL!!!!!!! Vince told Shaq that if he didn't have a pass, then he should get the Hell out of there.....Shaq said that he doesn't need a backstage pass....Vince rolled away. Shaq sat back down and mouthed the word "asshole" to the camera. Then looked around and asked, "Where is Hulk?" Am I in the right place?" -I had a little rip on Shaq all ready, but when he mouthed the word "asshole" to the camera...I couldn't help but laugh. Any excuse for me to get the word "asshole" on SCOOPS is fine by me. -commercials -Backstage, Mankind is still looking for his sock... -Meanwhile, Steven Regal comes to the ring dressed in a Lumberjack flannel and a hard-hat...those nitwits at WWF graphics called him "Stephen" Regal.....which made the "Man's Man look like a FAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 -And whoever came up with that theme music for him should be shot on sight.....must have been Patterson. -that submitted is really a handsome devil....I say that only because I am quite secure in my sexuality........hear that Meal? -His former Lordship grabbed the mic and said that he came to the WWF to find some "real men" (insert Patterson joke here) and wondered if there were any real men backstage who have the gumption to come on out and play.... -Oh all right......word is that backstage, it took 9 guys to hold Patterson back, Pat was screaming, "I'M YOUR HUCKLEBERRY STEVORINO!!!!! I'M COMINNNNNNGGGG" -I am not particularly proud of that above statement...but DAMMIT, YOU PEOPLE FORCED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 -Regal begged someone to come out and fight him like a man......please, oh please....have him say the word "sunshine"...God I love it when he calls someone "sunshine" -Gloats came out...Regal never used the phrase "Sunshine".....DAMMIT!!!!!!! -Ross discussed how Terri Runnels announced on Heat that she was pregnant... -................................ -............................... -..........I'll say it again.....Ross discussed how Terri Runnels announced on Heat that she was pregnant. -Do you know what that means? -Well, I'll tell you....I FUC&^%$ CALLED IT!!!!!!!!!!! ME!!! ME!!!! NOT SCHERER, NOT SAMUDA!!!! NOT EVEN RICK SCAIA!!!!! I CALLED IT RIGHT AS IT HAPPENS!!!!! ME!!!!!! CHRIS HYATTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CALLED IT!!!!!!! F-YOU WEB DICKBAGS!!!!!!!! F-YOU. F-YOU. F-YOU!!!!!!! -F-You all...I rule and you suck. HA!!! -And I didn't even have to check with 90 different sources.......HA!!!!!!!!! -And Seamed does NOT suck...for the record....he is a class act all the way...and the only hard news page on this web worth reading. -Meanwhile, the match was pure torture top watch...I am beginning to think that Regal is a lost cause. -Then Terri showed up...in Marlena garb.....I hope Goldust spits in her eye...coming back to him when times get rough...HOW DARE SHE!!!!! SHE DUMPED HIM FOR A STUD WITH A LONG PECKER AND WHEN HE DUMPS HER ON HER ASS, SHE COMES CRAWLING BACK TO HER OLD FLAME??? UH UH, NO WAY CHICKY....YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD THE WORLD WITH CARLOS, THAT PUERTO RICAN WHORE HUMPER WHO MADE YOUR WORLD ROCK AND ROLL!!! WELL, YOU CAN CRAWL BACK TO HIM ON YOUR GODDAMM HANDS AND KNEES FOR ALL I CARE!!! F-YOU, YOU BITCH, YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE A BALL OF YARN THEN THINK YOU CAN JUST COME BACK WHENEVER YOU FEEL DOWN, SCREW YOU, I HOPE YOU DIE PAINFULLY AND ALONE!!!!!!!! YOU DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!! -Goldust ignored her....THANK BLOODY JESUS ON THE CROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!1 -Kane showed up to end this nightmare....Regal went down, Goldust went down, then Marlena/Terri ran in and Kane grabbed her by the throat GO, GO, GO YOU DEMON SPAWNED BASTARD!!!!!!! YOU GIVE THAT SLUTBAG MICHELLE A LITTLE SOMETHBUING TO REMIND HER WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BREAK MY HEART!!!!!!!!! DRILL HER STRAIGHT INTO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -The refs broke it up and Tony Garea ended up getting chokeslammed instead, back in the day, Garea's arch nemesis was none other than the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!! And trust me, Rodz saw all this and was laughing.........Lord, he was laughing. -Ross went a WEE bit overboard when he bellowed, "KANE KNOWS ONLY ONE THING, AND THAT IS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!" -Ross also said that 'THERE IS MORE CARNAGE, THAN I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED HERE!!!" Feel free to have your own fun at this line's expense. -they finally show the brackets.....how they are going to squeeze thirteen matches in a 2 hour and 45-50 minute show is beyond me......nevermind the tag team match, and the Ladies match. Of course, you can rule out HHH right now, but still.... -Vince is backstage having a little "toughlove" session with Mankind....in exchange for his word that he will not interfere with the Shamrock/Rock IC title fight tonight, Vince gave Foley a brand new title that will never be defended. The new WWF Hardcore Championship belt!!!! (Anyone else see Terry Funk coming back real soon to go for it? early GUESS...."cause I don't do predictions.....I'd say something for Wrestlemania). Vince ended it by saying that even though he lost a son, that maybe he gained a new son in the process. Mankind called him "dad"...Vince cracked me up with his salesmanship over it. -commercials -Ken Shamrock stomps out. He watches as a paper ball bounces off his chest. Then he jaws to some fans. -We see that before coming out, Shamrock had words with Vince....Vince ordered the camera to leave. -The Rock comes out..the pop is HUGE.......not Goldberg huge...but pretty friggin' monstrous. -Before things get going, Vincent K is wheeled out with his people, Patterson is behind the wheelchair. He has a mic and is saying, "Hey Rock, Hey Rock!" -To which Patterson bent down and said, "Yes Boss?" Vince quietly told him to remember the script. -With that settled, Vince told Maivia that if he since he was the "People's Champion" (that Page guy is a homo), and since he had a hankering for some vengence on the People....so to avoid any lawsuits....he figured that he can enact his revenge on the People through the "People's Champ"! Get it? -Basically, what that means is if Maivia loses the IC match, then he is eliminated form the Survivor Series and is no longer the number one contender. -The Rock absorbed that and freaked, attacking Shamrock with a passion. -I tell you, this was a GREAT match...in 5 minutes, the squeezed in more action than I could possibly describe. It was PPV caliber...Hell, it was second from the top PPV caliber. -I SHOULD say that it was the finest match of the night, but then I'd hear it from WCW aficionados who scream that Kidman and Chris Jericho put on a better match...the thing is, I really CARE about Shamrock and Maivia.....I don't give a tin sh*t about two Cruiserweights who have no history together and who just do it because it's their job. -Scratch that...I LOVE Jericho...but Kidman bores me to tears! -anywhoo...it really went back and forth...good, fast, and action packed. really a fine job. -Maivia bodyslammed Shamrock.....the crowd saw what was coming from a mile away. -The damn elbow......I have no idea why I like it as much as I do...my favorite part is when he kicks the arm in. -Then Shamrock whacks Maivia with a chair..the ref called for the bell.....Maivia got no gold, Vince was pleased, so much so that he called the Rock the "People's Chump". Ross screamed bloody murder..and we were sent on our merry way to some... -commercials -For the record, I don't think Maivia is world champ quality just yet...he's awfully close..but not quite yet. -somewhere in that mess, the second hour came and went. -footage of what just happened.....brought to you by Crunch Bar.....where they jam enough Rice Krispies in there to make you forget that there is barely enough chocolate in each bar to satiate you typical housewife. -The Rock is backstage, looking for Vince. -Val Venis comes to the ring.... -We see how he logically explained to Terri that this child she is carrying has nothing to do with him....YOU GO BOYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! -We also see a young girl....'round 13 years of age, lick her lips at the sight of Mr. Venis....Ross cautioned her to be careful. Lawler was later seen giving her his number. -Venis took the mic and compared his pee pee with that basketball player who plays center for the Rockets. I'm not about to try to pronounce his last name. -Then Jeff Jarrett comes out with Debbie McMichael.....meanwhile, somewhere in America (I would assume), Mongo is busy wondering, "Where did those titties come from? I never saw them before???" -Then the Blue Blazer attacked Venis and caused the DQ. Ross screamed, "IT'S OWEN HART, IT'S OWEN HART!!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, IT'S OWEN FU&^%*G HART!!!!!!!!!" -Jarrett called himself the victor....then Debbie whispered something in his ear...Ross mumbled something about them having a different kind of meeting later on...Lawler told him not to go there.......alas. -Backstage, an unmarked police car showed up...Ross demanded that we go nowhere during these ready made..... -commercials -Backstage with Vince and the cops.....Vince wants the Rock jailed for threatening his life and trashing 50 cents worth of WWF equipment. Houston police were only too happy to oblige. -The Headbangers came out dressed like the New Age Outlaws. Thrash (or is it Mosh?) had a shirt that read "Dumbass" on it. Mosh (or maybe Thrash) was all decked out in Road Dog garb, complete with dreds. The pretty funny rap went like this... - (In a squeaky voice), "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, stupid Degeneration X, sadly brings to you, it's wannabe, TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOO...cough cough....I can't do it because I suck! Puppy Dog Jerky James! The Dumb Ass Rock-A-Billy, The NEW AGE IDIOOOOOOOTS! -Then Dumb Ass grabbed the mic, "And if you're not down with the fact, that the only reason that I have a nice ass is because of implants, I got two words for ya'!!! YOYU SUCK!!!!" -Ironically, I remember when the NAO were the one's doing the spoofing...but they are faces now..they have to take it up the ass and smile. -Then D-Lo and Mark Henry came to the ring....the winner here gets a shot at the tag team belts at the Survivor Series. -Kane interfered again...Ross jumped from screaming how Kane is the stain on the underwear of the WWF, to how Kane is simply a misunderstood young lad who needs proper guidance. Ahh the power of the face turn...enough to make even the cynical announcer hop on your bandwagon. -BUT...it wasn't that bad a match before the big guy showed up....just so you know. -AND...D-Lo got chokeslammed, as did Mosh or Thrash. It was a double thingy. -The cops finally found the Rock....the Rock was trying to bribe them with some donuts. -commercials -We see the Rock being loaded into the cop car.....Vince was there calling him the "People's Chump". Bobby Walker saw all this, and cried. He cannot help the brothers who do not work for Uncle Eric. -Owen Hart came to the ring in street clothes...Ross wasn't fooled. -Owen hit the ring and with mic in hand, he said that even though he had already apologized to Dan Severn for breaking his neck...and he had already retired from wrestling...he was there to honor Severn's request for a chat because it was the right thing to do. -Dan Severn came out with a neckbrace, and with a passion to sing, sing sing....he hit the ring, stared at Owen, made a nasty face at him, opened his mouth and said... "How do you think I'm gonna get along without you when you're gone? You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own! Are you happy? Are you satisfied? How ;long can you stand the heat? Out of nowhere the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat LOVAAAA!!!" -he also accused Owen of being the Blue Blazer.... -Owen shoved him down, then clotheslined him. Steve Blackman ran in and Owen ran out, shouting that he was retired and that folks should stay out of his business. Ross moaned, "MY GOD, GET AN AMBULANCE!!!" -commercials -we see Severn be loaded into an ambulance. Blackman was there to make sure they were nice to him....then he saw Owen Hart and attacked.... -Then the Blue Blazer attacked Blackman...Ross single handily defined the word "befuddled". Booooooy...this had better pay off into something big! Or by God, I'll do absolutely nothing in protest!!!! -Ross and Lawler munched up time...... -The cage is lowered.... -Ross proudly declares that this will be their "last commercial break EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEAT THAT NITRO!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" -commercials (for the last time...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA) -Out rolls Vincent K. (Lord knows my hairline has paid hard time) McMahon, with Patterson, the Bossman, and the rest by his side...he rolls to the announcer section... -after getting there, he asks the Bossman and his men to check the cage to make sure it's secure....and then asked them to go inside and double check the structure (NOTE: I don't mean to act like Dave Scherer and boast about knowing sh*t ahead of time...but I saw what was coming a mile away....as did a lot of you, I'll wager) -I'll spare you the details, Vince wanted Slaughter, Brisco, and Patterson to pay hard time for deserting him and leaving him open for Austin's attack two weeks ago...so he has the Big Bossman beat the crap out of them in the cage.... -If I may stray from the topic and pose a question....Am I nuts or did Ray Traylor suddenly become cool again???? I mean, it's no secret that the Big Bossman IS his best gimmick...but sh*t, is he cool now or what? -Then the unbelievable happened, after Patterson had some fun on the top turnbuckles, and Vince demanding that they all "vow allegiance to Vince McMahon", Vince tells the Bossman to...ahem...."rip their clothes off". -........................................... -................................................. -.......................................................... -.......................................................... -.........Let me just say, to all you repressed faggots who think I wallow too deep in the homoeroticism of this sport....GO HUMP YOUR DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS A DEEP, DEEP LAYER OF HOMOSEXUAL ACTIVITY IN THIS GODDAM SPORT, THEN YOU ARE EITHER BLINDF, OR HORRIBLE IGNORANT!!!! THE WHOLE FRIGGIN' SPORT IS GAY...GET USED TO IT YOU STUPID DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -allow me to point out something that nobody else has the balls to notice......it's Patterson, in a cage, with a guard wielding a baton.....and he has just been ordered to undress......OH NO...THIS ISN'T FAGGY AT ALL...IS IT???? -Austin ran in before Patterson could dot his "i"s and cross his "t"s. He climbed the cage and went for the Bossman. -Patterson clipped Austin in the leg...Patterson was wearing a undershirt......thousands of gay men suddenly re-considered the female species. -Shane McMahon ran out and got into the cage....he pulled the Bossman off Austin. Bossman looked at Vince, who decided that his son would be spared that night.....Shane gave his pop the middle finger. -The Undertaker came out with Paul Bearer...UT ran in and went after Austin..... -Then Kane ran out and hit the ring. Parts of the cage caught on fire..it was a three way jam.....Ross found it in him to scream one last time, "THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE" -Then the show ended. Uhhh..whoa. That sums it up rather nicely. What's happening on Nitro? Oh yeah, the Bossman may now very well rule again, and Regal may very well suck now..the jury is still out on both..time will tell. Now we go to that other show..... Chris Hyatte
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