Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Short & Sweet this week kids...11/11/98 Mop-Up RAW There once was a man named Chris Hyatte! who thought his own column was a riot! he became quite conceited! when(for free)3 people would read it! but for a penny,no one would buy it! YOU SUCK! HateAmerOL@aol.com: Mop-Up reader, Dazzling Wordsmith, and really...a snazzy, snazzy dresser. Greetings my......errr......peeps? I'm me, you're you, and this is the Mop-Up! A small slice of moldy life set to the seductive sounds of Humping Whales. Plug this into your 8-tracks kids, "cause we're in for a far out ride.....next stop, Blissville!!! Actually, we'll change things up a little and make the opener/closer combo short this week. Not really much going on anyway, other than the whole Ventura thing. Funny about Jesse, who'da thunk this guy would be anything other than just a local Minnesota radio host for the rest of his career? Now look at him......he's the biggest political news of last week (with Newt Gingrich being the big story for this week. Governor Jesse "The Mind" Ventura?!?......screw it.....he may even do a good job too. How ironic is it that after a lifetime of screaming about what a douchebag Hogan is, Hogan finally proves Jesse right with this week's moronic Presidential crap that will go absolutely nowhere....more on that later. Finally (told you), because I can proudly say that I am one of the very few white guys on the planet who will admit to being a Spike Lee fan (I even saw "Clockers" in a movie theater!!! Well, ....tried to see it.....I got about 45 minutes into it....then I was.....err....accosted....by some young thugs......we'll just drop it now okay?), I thought I'd drop this on you. I ordered a PPV showing of "He Got Game" mostly because Denzel kicks ass in just about everything.....I was deep in the middle of it when all of the sudden, who should show up on screen but bona fide, honest to goodness, PORN STARS!!!!!!!! And not just ANY porn stars, but some big time ones!!!! Heather Hunter appeared briefly, all naked, sweaty, and riding some dude like there was no tomorrow. Then, in a little double teaming action, none other than Jill Kelly and resident Goddess CHASEY LAIN!!!! I tell ya kids, I was so taken off guard by this that I didn't even have time to get my pants down around my ankles before there was a mess. In fact, just thinking about it makes me kind of....................umm.............excuse me a sec.......... ........................................................ ............................................................ .................................................... ............................................................... ........................................................... Ahhhh....that'sh better.....oooooohhhh yeah baby.....hmmm. Okay, time to move this bus along....time to wash the underwear of Monday night and see which show had the biggest brown streaks. Did Vince decorate his Calvins with long skidmarks? Or does he prefer the more "smudge them in and watch them spread" look? What about Bischoff? Did that hunting he did last week help to show us that he is a real man, or did "Mt. Saint Eric" blow out all sorts of fecal lava once he heard his first Grizzly roar? (I bet he did even go hunting anyway!! I bet they just reported he did in order to get him more over as a rugged tough guy......don't be so naive kids, he spent the week online screaming to anyone who would listen about how WCW is so much better than the WWF, and how Vince ripped off everything he ever did.....I promise you this....YOU HEAR THAT WCW?!?!?!?! I'M ON TO YOU AND YOUR LITTLE SCHEMES!!!!!! I KNOW THE TRUTH BABY!!!!!!!!!). Anyway, time is short, so the recap gonna be short as well, let's start hussling and get this mess over with shall we? No, I'm serious..we have to jam away pretty quickly this week, I have like, no time to labor over this for hours on end. Consider this the Mop-Up on fast forward for the week, either that or I would just skip the week entirely, and nobody would want that would they? Of COURSE not!! RAW IS WAR (or I like Pie ) - No video collage/montage/$5covercharge/thedraftIwouldhavedodged to greet us..instead the slip right into... - Reunion Arena in Dallas, Texas. I wonder if titles can automatically change hands on a disqualification in this building. -Hey kids, because we are LIVE (tapedtobroadcast) and because Nitro is right now featuring red hot COMMERCIALS!!!!!..they get going with some hard ass, actual WRESTLING to open things up..... -X-Pac comes out. Ross proclaims that he is in for the "greatest challenge of his young life" (Sounds like Patterson scheduled a "session" with him for after the match). He is all by his lonesome by the way. -Then the Undertaker comes out.....constant cuts to X-Pac, looking ready, looking determined, looking like he is PREPARED TO REACH DEEP DOWN INSIDE AND MUSTER UP THE INTESTINAL FORTITUDE AND THE SHEER WILL TO OVERCOME THE MIGHT UNDERTAKER!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD LORD PEOPLE, I THINK HE'S GONNA DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! -The match begins.... -The match ends 120 seconds later (and I'm being VERY generous on that estimation) when Kane came out and shot a ball of flame at his (formerly the "Conscience of the WWF", now nothing but a no good, despicable, How-can-one-man-be-so-evil-is-beyond-the-comprehension-of-good-ol'-JR) Brother. The fireball tagged X-Pac in the face. Pac went down screaming. "Taker and Paul Bearer walked away as his (formerly a no good, despicable, How-can-one-man-be-so-evil-is-beyond-the-comprehension-of-good-ol'-JR, now nothing but a "Lost soul wandering the WWF with no friends, family, or moral guidance....but LOTS of those spiffy jumpsuits). -By the way, the fireball came out of Kane's hand....I hope.....oh Lord I hope. -The New Age Outlaws charged in to look concerned for their fallen comrade.....camera shots at audience folks looking broken hearted.....why, if I had a heart, I would give a sh*t. -commercials -Replay of what just happened....THAT FIREBALL HAD BETTER HAVE COME FROM HIS HAND BROTHER!!!!!!! OR THAT MUTHA IS STACKED BIGGER THAN PETER NORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Don't you worry about it if you don't get the reference....it just means that you are living a very normal life. -Backstage with X-Pac...still selling his little heart out. Did you know that if he were in WCW, right now he'd by jobbing out to Air Juvee? -Backstage, Mankind comes to the arena and is greeted by none other than Commissioner Slaughter, Gerald Brisco, Vincent K. (Looking for one right here are ya? Well guess what? PSYCHE!!!!!!) McMahon, and the ever convivial, Patrick O' Patterson. Vince has some plans for Mankind, and they include defending his Hardcore championship belt against Ken Shamrock tonight, and they also involved getting a makeover, too make him look all "purty" for his master.....I remember when someone forced ME to get a makeover once......it was............wow, I can't remember anything else.....it's as if it's right there, at the tip of my tongue, but I'm unable to recall anything right at the moment. DAMN!! I was looking for a nice smooth seque too. Shoot! -Val Venis came to the ring. We see some clips from the last Heat where His Penisty told Kevin Kelly that a vasectomy made damn sure that he was shooting blanks. -Terri Runnels came out hot on Val's heels. Venis took one look at her and told her to get her immaculate conceiving ass out of there.....(YEAAAAH!!! YOU GO BOYEEE!!!! DUMP DA TWO BIT HO AND KICK HER TO THE CURB!!!!!!!! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGGO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) -Since they were in Texas, Dallas to be more exact, Venis made a reference to "Prime Time" Dion Sanders.....much to the delight of some Cowboys laughing it up in the seats. -Then Steve Blackman ran in...and after a decent romp that was a lot better than you would expect to find in the first half hour of the show..... -Then Terri Runnels came back in when Val wasn't looking and crotched him....there went the bell.... -There goes Owen Hart in the ring and beating up Blackman..... -Then the Blue Blazer runs in.....BUT..BUT...BUT....OWEN IS THE BLUE BLAZER!!!!!!!! HOW CAN HE BE RIGHT NEXT TO HIMSELF!!!!! I DETECT SOME SPLIT CAMERA WORK AND OTHER WWF SPECIAL EFFECTS TRICKERY BY GOD!!!!!!!!! -Or..maybe Owen wasn't the Blue Blazer...well, he really was, but not NOW.... -Backstage, a freshly shaved Mankind was getting his hair cut as part of his makeover.......(I sure didn't have to get my hair cut.....but I did have to wear a platinum blonde wig......and high heels.....and some .......some.........errrr........oooh, lost it again. Sorry, I thought my subconscious was going to release it as I wrote......man, it's right there...RIGHT THERE!!! DAMN Things were going so smoothly too.....) -Anyway, Foley was talking about giving big Poppa Vince a giant bearhug, and giving Aunt Pat a nice "Manhug"......he also apparently, never got his teeth replaced from that PPV months ago when Dude Love fought Austin in the main event. Funny stuff. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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