Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Moving right along....11/11/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -The New Age Outlaws came on out......Billy Gunn was playfully throwing his water and spitting on his partner, but he was laughing as he did so...so there -Then D-Lo and Mark Henry came out....Ross received word last week, but waited until right then to tell us that X-Pac was medically okay. He also promptly jumped upon the Jesse Ventura bandwagon by proudly boasting that they will have clips from Jesse's past......(Oh Sweet Jesus....Vince has gotten a hold of Patterson's video library!!!! Pat must have gave him the one called "Fishing for Treasures with the Navy Seal"......YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD PATTERSON!!!!!!! WHY RUIN JESSE'S CAREER SO EARLY!!!!!!! WHY VINCE?? WHY???) -Still, even Jesse in a smut film wouldn't be as insulting as what Hogan is doing to tarnish this thing. -I'm curious now as to which show is coming back to Minnesota first, and will the Governor show? -Geeze..it's like Jesse is the town loser who nobody liked.....then he won the Lottery and suddenly everybody is his best friend. -Then Mosh came in...Ross gets around to telling us that Road Dog, D-Lo, and Mosh are doing that Triple Threat thing......would'a been nice if he gave us some advanced warning... -Shane McMahon was the ref by the way.... -after a bit of a throwdown, Mosh pinned D-Lo after hitting him with what was called a Stagedive......I have no problem with that. -Then Bad Ass started beating people up for no reason other than to give the fans a look at his wonderment..... -Michael Cole talked to Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett advised Al Snow not to piss on him during the Survivor Series match. They bleeped out the word "Pissed"........ -Then Deborah McMichael spoke...I prepared myself for the bloodletting by holding two Q Tips next to both ears.....as soon as she shrills up, I'm jamming the Q's in there...Drums be damned -But then she spoke in a soft voice, with a rather cute Southern accent behind it. Vince must have told her to speak more like a woman, than as a stuck up bitch with the Beauty Pageant garb.....cool. -yeah, and she promised to make a man out of Goldust too......safe bet that those spanking new breasteseseses will be involved somehow. -commercials -Mankind was getting a pedicure......I had to give someone a pedicure once.......it was a long time ago.........in.....ummm......err.....I can't remember.......I must be Cblocking it out...... -okay, so there I was...giving a pedicure.....I remember giving it to someone with brown feet, ashy souls......but I....just can't zeem...I mean seem......to smooth it all out in my head........okay then..never mind. -Goldust came out..... -Marlena (NOT Terri) ran out behind him. Poor kid, she was wearing these stiletto heels which must have been awkward as Hell to run in.... -poor kid? what am I saying?? GOOD!!! I HOPE IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU NO GOOD LITTLE SLUTBAG WHORE!!!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE OFF WITRH...WITH... -You know..I simply don't have time for this...not this week -Goldust grabbed the mic and told her it was over, very over...horribly over....Marlena's nipples were hard. As was my (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION)other one who's name reminds me of that Clapton song, "Layla", but that's another tale for another time. -Terri stormed off to give birth to the second coming of Jesus (no, that does NOT mean I'm saying that she's banging a Boricua).......wonder who she'll turn up with next? -Jeff Jarrett came out with Deborah McMichael....Ross called her an "Evil Jezebel" -ya know, Goldust has some of the meanest sounding punches in the biz, -Well, the Evil Jezebel interfered just as Goldust was about to kick Jarrett in the "Little J's". She stood in his way and smiled her pretty little smile.....Goldust kissed her on the lips.....she went down, Jarrett beaned him with his guitar, Goldust went down, the bell rang.... -Meanwhile, Debbie McMichael could pass for Kimberly's sister 6 days a week and twice on Sundays. -Meanwhile...the Rock just showed up......tonight's show official becomes all about him now....Austin must be sooooo pissed. -Bits and clips of Jesse Ventura in his myriad of uniforms....notice, that Vince stays relatively the same.....but always had the coif....always had the coif......God Bless the coif! -Lawler announced that one of the Memphis newspapers had printed a cartoon of him being asked to run for something......now, why would they use Lawler of all people?? easy.... -BECAUSE LAWLER RUNS MEMPHIS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -GOD BLESS THE MOTHERFU&^%#$ KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -Michael Cole talked to the Rock....after Kole reminded him that tonight's match against Mark Henry is about "fighting for his professional existence"....Maivia broke me up by saying, "You're gonna be fighting to get the Rock's foot out of you're ass with you're stupidity!!!" (Line of the Night..right there). -For public record: # of times he used the term "jabrony": 2 # of times he declared that something was owned by the "People": 3 # of times he called someone a "candy ass": 1 # of obligatory cliches he used: :2 ("Smell what the Rock is Cooking", and "Lay the Smack Down") # of obligatory cliches he did NOT use: 1 ("Shut Your Mouth and Know Your Role") # of times he called Vince McMahon a "Rudy Poo": 1 -Meanwhile, right after the Rock's interview, Goldust ran past Kole and jumped on Jarrett...they tussled for a while. Then the BLUE BLAZER ran in....kicked Goldust around, than ran out with his arms outstretched and his cape flying.....(MY GOD!!!!! IT'S DOM DELUISE!!!!!!!!!!! THE BLUE BLAZER IS DOM DELUISE!!!!!!!!!! DA DA DAAAAAAAAAAA) Sheeit, that one may be a little bit TOO obscure. -commercials -Ken Shamrock came to the ring and promptly set up shop in his little zone. -through past matches between these two kids, we caught a glimpse into the future of this match...Ross formulated the hypothesis......WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW THAT THIS MATCH HAS NO RULES?????????? -Then Mankind came out in a tuxedo, his hair neatly combed and tied back, and no beard...as I already said. Still had that half mask on though. How ironic that he was so well dressed for a Hardcore Title Match. -Vince and his boys came out to watch......Patterson is pushing the wheelchair, why must it be him all the time? Do they LIKE my shots at him??? -The action spilled outside and they even brawled a little on the Announcers table....Ross was noticeable pissed< ("Come ONNNN", Now Come OOONNNNN") -Eventually, the match went up the ramp and right near the feet of Vince and company.....Shamrock used a chair and put it right through Foley's head (well...not LITERALLY), Mankind was about to go down when the Big Bossman clipped Shamrock with his Billy club and stole the match from Kenny. Mankind fell on him and got the pin. Vince wheeled over to him and congratulated him on the win. Mankind hugged him and called him "Dad"....the look on Vince's face was priceless.... -Meanwhile, Kole was running down the Hall screaming "THE ROCK'S BEEN ATTACKED, THE ROCK'S BEEN ATTACKED!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST ON A STACK OF PANCAKES!!!! THE ROCK'S BEEN ATTACKED!!!! FOLKS, THIS IS NOT AN ACT, NOR A JOKE..THIS IS A REAL AS IT GETS THE ROCK HAS BEEN ATTACKED!!!!!....AND WE'LL UPDATE YOU ON EVERYTHING RIGHT AFTER THESE.... -commercials -Either I was late in flipping back, or it wasn't that serious...because I turned back in to see.... -"Stone Cold" Steve Austin came out to remind the Texas crowd that the Rock ain't sh*t and this company was carried on HIS bald ass for the last few years. He grabbed the mic and said that Vince's plan failed and all hell was just days away from breaking loose... -Then the Big Bossman came out and said that since he has already swept the premises and was confident that none of that NWO SCUM THAT HE STILL INTENDS TO DESTROY JUST AS SOON AS THEY MAKE A PLAY FOR THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!!!!!!!!! were in the building, he would now focus his energies on showing Austin some real "hard time".....Austin said that he knew all about hard times in prison, particularly when you hear a "squeal in the night"............. -.........well that is just DUMB!!!!! They shove socks in your mouth, then tape your mouth shut so nobody can hear you!!! Good Lord, what Country Club did Austin go to?? Sheesh....... -heh...probably thought I was going somewhere else with that one didn't you? -Bossman promised that November 15 would be the night... -Austin said "F-It...let's go now" -Bossman said November 15 again -Austin called him a pussy -Bossman said November 15 one more time -Austin said he'll beat his ass for free...yadda yadda yadda...then drank beer -Note, Austin also pointed at Ross and said something...Ross nodded his head yes.....I wonder what that was all about. -Oh no..the Rock looks to be in bad shape....WILL HE MAKE IT ON TIME????? WILL HE BE ABLE TO WORK TONIGHT OR IS HIS CAREER IN THE WWF OVER?????? -commercials -Cole talked to Vince backstage, Vince stated that hurt or no.....the Rock will have to wrestle tonight, or he's out of there -Al Snow fought Babu, because Tiger Ali Sing wasn't up for wrestling. Mr. Socko was being used as a bandanna for his Head....... -Then Debbie McMichael showed up and took the Head, cradling it into her breastesesesesss.....Snow stared at her.....Tiger Ali Sing jumped on him from behind and gave him a one hand Bulldog and scored the pin..Snow didn't seem to mind. -We see that Sable's titties got QUITE the workout in the gym. -Kole has an update for us after these thrilling..... -commercials -Well, there was an update...it consisted of Vince yelling at the Rock about something.......ho hum. -The Edge went solo against Kane, but the rest of the Brood were still there for moral support.......Kane came out with a can of gasoline and a blowtorch.......it ended up as you would expect....the Brood were chokeslammed into a pile....Kane dumped some gas on them...he was getting ready to light the torch...Ross screamed, "PLEASE GOD DON'T!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S JUST A MISUNDERSTOOD CHILD!!!!! DON'T FAULT HIM AND DON'T BLAME HIM FOR WHAT HE WANTS TO DO!!!!!" -El Referreeos ran in and got the Brood out of there...am I crazy or would Kane fit perfectly into this little group???? And think of the major credibility they would get?? -commercials -Vince was wheeled out and he asked for the Rock to come out.....no go -He asked several more times......then drew cheap heat by badmouthing the Dallas Cowboys, calling half their roster a bunch of "convicted felons" -After calling out Maivia for the hundredth Shane McMahon came out and asked his old man to take a friggin' valium and get laid once in a while......(Patterson noticeably perked up on that line). He went on about how Vince was taking his frustration out on everyone, the Rock, Stone Cold, (To which, in his worst over acting to date, Vince barked out "I HATE STONE COLD"....crappy work, and he knew it too) -Shane finished by saying that this was really all about business with him..the "family business"..... -Vince said that this wasn't "family business", this was "MY business"! Then advised Shane to get his well nourished ass out of there before the fit hits the shan..... -Shane offered himself as a sacrifice for Vince to take his anger out on.... -Oh Screw this......deep breath...... OnVincesorderstheBossmanhurledShaneintotheringandwasgettingreadytobeatthelivingcrapoutofhimthenAustinshowedupoandclotheslinedBossmanoutofthereAustinevengotahold ofBossmansbillyclubbossmanwantedrevengebutVinceorderdhimtohissideanddemandedth atAustingotthehelloutofthereAustinsmusicblastedandhetossedthebillyclubbacktoBossmanthisendedthesegment -WHEEEEEWWW......huff.....hufff....... -commercials -Mark Henry came out with D-Lo Brown. Vince was still at ringside with the crew -The Rock's music came on....Vince looked nervous and dismayed... -The music stopped, Vince got cocky, Pat made a grab for it.... -the music started again...Vince was very cocky.....Pat started to drool (I have no idea what I am talking about) -The Rock came out, all shaky and out of sorts......he went right on the attack... -But Henry rebounded some....it was a back and forth affair.....with the Rock being more back than forth. -Then the Rock handcuffed Bossman to the corner....it's WAAAY too dumb to explain here. -Henry took a DDT -Henry took a Rock Bottom -Then guess what he hit Henry with? I'll give you a hint, the fans popped BIG TIME -He went for the pin...no ref, he was out cold because it was the main event and it's scripture now. -So Shane McMahon ran in and made the 3 count.....because he is an official ref...Vince looked resigned, like "Oh well" -Then Maivia ran out and grabbed Vince by his jacket and threw him into the ring. The Bossman was still cuffed so Patterson and Brisco were alone in defending Vince..... -Pat got in the Rock's way and offered him a whiff of something HE was cooking.....Maivia punched him in the mush. -Vince took the Rock Bottom, then took the People's Elbow, Ross screamed about all the carnage in that ring and the stage is set for the Survivor Series. The show ended. Okay, it was a decent show, I'd say more but I'm in a rush....go to the Nitro recap, where I zip through that mutha so fast it'll seem like I was watching a 15 minute show. Chris Hyatte Go To Page 1