"Official Scoops Statement" linked to in each Mop-Up:

It's Just Not Right
by Scoops Troopers

Trooper Feature

It recently came to our attention that one of our columnist, Chris Hyatte, recently referred to another wrestling reporter's wife in his column. His reference had a satirical tone and it offended both the writer and his wife.

Let me make it absolutely clear that Scoops Wrestling stands for respect, integrity and trust in Wrestling. This means that we do NOT refer to other wrestling writers and especially spouses of writers without their prior approval, unless of course that writer or spouse becomes part of a wrestling related news story. We appreciate the effort that all wrestling web sites put in and especially the efforts of their writers, who give so much just for the love of the sport.

To Brian Sullivan and his wife we apologize for having let such a reference get by and we applaud Brian for the way he handled the situation.

We will strive to putting out material that holds to the values that we hold dear and which our fans have come to appreciate.


Mop-Up RAW
by Hyatte

Raw Mop Up

[page 1 of 10]


In my quest for entertaining commentary and attitude flavored texture, sometimes I go over the line and target the wrong people who have done nothing wrong. I tend to react to what I perceived as personal attacks and make it a priority to respond with much more vehemence.

Sometimes, I go over the line. I went over the line in a past RAW Mop-Up and issued a personal attack on someone who is completely 'innocent' in the game of 'Internet Wrestling Journalism'. I fully apologize for those statements and assure you that the subject of my viciousness commentary ('Jenny S.') will never be brought up again in any future columns.

Chris Hyatte

Official Scoops Statement

Mop-Up RAW

Well, well, well....

Iím Chris and this is the Mop-Up.....itís only been a week, but it feels like YEARS...well...months...well..days....well..it feels like I just finished the last column hours ago....quite frankly.

I wasnít around last week because SCOOPS was mad at me for a reason which I CANNOT get into.....yet. One day I will, just not now.

Anyway..they were mad at me so I figured a week away would help calm everyone down. Plus, a week off ALWAYS makes these re-used jokes seem a bit fresher. So everybody wins.

I was late this week because of MAJOR personal problems. Itís none of your beeswax, so donít even bother. Letís just say that I was inches away from drinking Liquid Plumber and ending it all. Iím not even kidding. It was THAT bad. I only say this because Iíve always been honest with you people....itís what makes you keep coming back. No pity, please..Iím a big boy...Iíll deal with my own demons.

No..it had nothing to do with a chick...get a clue.

Okay, letís clean up a little of the last columnís unfinished business..."Smoky and the Bandit", "Hear No Evil, See No Evil", Codhole, and Dick Upazz, (Duck Pizza? Are you people STUPID???). The rest of the Jumble would get cut too because of the filthy language.

A quick little TV talk.....I like the show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"...but I get ticked when the contestants walk away with $125,000 instead of going for a quarter Mil. And Regis, God Bless him, is too damn nice....if heís gonna ask, "Confident?" and "Final
Answer?"...He should REALLY bust their balls about it...make them sweat.

Call me crazy, but I saw a LOT of Gay men on that show too....if your 44 years old...speak with an affect....and bring your MOTHER on the show to watch.....itís sort of gives it away...you know?

Other stuff....I WAS going to talk about how bad "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer" is getting, then they dropped that KILLER episode this past Tuesday dealing with those Vampire Hunters that REALLY rocked. "Angel", on the other hand, is REALLY good.

So isnít "The West Wing"...GREAT SHOW. Martin Sheen plays the President as a highly intelligent, yet VERY human man who DOES make mistakes....yet when he talks about bringing "Thunder from the Heavens" onto Terrorists...I was MARKING OUT BABAY!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOO

"ER" has missed a few steps though. BIG TIME.

What else? Oh yeah...three weeks ago, I asked you to send some love to Eric Benner. Next thing I know, heís hired at SCOOPS. Now, even though I had NOTHING to do with getting him hired (save for some obvious inspiration in getting him to ask about it), I am happy to say that of all the writers I wouldíve wanted to see write for SCOOPS, Eric
was on the top of a VERY short list. Gagnon was another....that didnít work out....I was sorry to see him go, but Iím happy to have Eric on board. Do me a favor, and read his column...because A: Itís good, B: Itís very good, C: He doesnít do any gimmick crap to get noticed (thatís MY gig) and D: He wants feedback.

Itís funny, Eric has written for 3 MAJOR websites before coming here. I think itís part of his plan to be the only person who can say he wrote for pretty much EVERYONE....so read him and write to him...get him to stay a while before he shoots off to 1wrestling.com and completes the cycle.

When did the Superstar bail out? And did anyone notice?

I canít speak enough on this, so I will keep mentioning it throughout the columns....but you have GOT TO READ THIS WEEKíS CLOSER!!!! IT IS HUGE....HUGE...HUGE!!

How huge? Well, you know how sometimes there is something SO BITING, SO ANNOYING, SO INFURIATING about a show...that it almost ruins the entire experience? And many times, it actually does? Well, I am FINALLY gonna give you a chance to confront the source itself and tell him how you feel. Whatís so perfect about it is that this past week, he seemed to reach new heights of obnoxiousness.

Need more? THEN GO TO THE CLOSER!!!!!!!!! Itíll only work if enough of you play.

Okay...Iím done. Listen, Iíll tell you right now...RAW was sort of "eh" this week, and it didnít give me a WHOLE lot to work with....so this recap might be a bit....err.....lacking? Iíll try my best, and I PROMISE that the Nitro recap (which I already finished) is chock
full of goofy stuff....and since Nitro is actually threatening to start being decent...I expect readership to pick up a little in that area. Anyway, now that I forewarned you...off we go.

RAW IS WAR: (or: The Hell is Traylor doing in the main event?)

-"Walker: Texas Ranger".....if Texas was on an ocean...Chuck Norris wouldíve lost the gig to David Hasselhoff

-WWF: Come Feel It.....piledrive it and itíll milk a neck injury for the next three years.

-WWF: One World..just donít ask them to tour Egypt for a while....

-opening theme.....God bless them for at least TRYING to get in before that Fake Ross bit was finished on Nitro.

-Some fireworks.....some fans...some signs...you know the drill here.

-Jim Ross welcomed us to the "Civic Arena" in Pittsburgh...PA. Or, as the rest of us call it... "Phillyís little bi**ch"

-Sign reads "LEMIEUX 3:16".......I believe the rest of that should be "I JUST CHEMOED MY TUMOR"

-Another sign..something to do with Madden..whoís a big Hockey announcer there. I havenít heard much from him lately..has he been behaving?

-Jim Ross talks about being "hot on the heels" of a thrilling Survivor Series...then called Ed Ferrera a pickle smoker.....and promised that HE would kick Schiavoneís daughterís teeth out....(whoa...brother is HOT!!!)

-Ross called the SS the "Most controversial, most catastrophic Survivor Series EVER!!!!" (say whaa? I slept through it...what did I miss? DID OWEN COME BACK????)

-We kick things off by the arrival of....

-Degeneration X....Jim Ross introduced himself, introduced Jerry Lawler.....and said that he was never THAT close to Steve Williams...it was all a work.

-DX hit the ring...Hunter was wearing more cow than a Gigolo at a fat chickís convention. He was on the stick.

-The first thing he said was that he wasnít in the mood tonight for those silly fans.

-He says that in case we had the good sense to blow off the Survivor Series, we ought to know that there was some thievery afoot....and his title..his property, his belt..was STOLEN from his person....he was NOT pinned, he did NOT submit, he did NOT tap out, and he isnít even Canadian!

-Or maybe he is? Jean Paul....what American names their son "Jean Paul"? For goodness sake? What about a MANLY name? Like "Bruce"? "Glenn"? "Lance"? "Dick"? "Sean"? "Haywood"? "Tony"? "Christopher Robin"?

-HHH continued....chatting about how he was screwed more than a Hooker when Sinatra used to play the Sands...and how he was a perpetual thorn in Vince McMahonís side since he won the belt...how he went through every conceivable challenge there was to go through during the weeks leading up to this....he ended many of his words with "aaaa"

-So, he ended up demanding that Vincent K Whatever show his puss.....

-And out comes Vincent K (Itís all good, until they start making fun of THE RUG!!! THEN IíLL BRING BILLIONAIRE TED OUT OF RETIREMENT!!!!) McMahon...

-Vince mused that HHH seemed upset.....and he agreed that people should pay for crimes...and perhaps DX should consider paying for crimes...(BESTIALITY IS STILL ILLEGAL IN 49 STATES HUNTER!!!!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE FLOWN TO KENTUCKY IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY WITH THOSE DEFENSELESS CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!)

-Vince ran down all of DX...hinting that X-Pac, Bad A$$, and Road Dogg, would ALL learn what it was to be a woman in the big slammer!!!! (Head Bull Screw: Officer Pat Patterson...of course)

-Vince showed a tape from last night...where Steve Austin was run down by a car....(I blame Russo....why not? heís desperate enough to get instant ratings...take out the number 1 money maker)

-We see the whole thing where Austin was tended to...and DX screamed ignorance.

-back to live TV....Vince asked HHH if he did it..then stopped him from answering and introduced some Detectives, who flew "all the way from Detroit, Michigan" to ask them some questions.

-Not one of those Detroit police looked ANYTHING like Eddie Murphy OR Paul Reiser

-Which one of them was the one who arrested a drunk Tim Allen?

-And since when can a man buy such a snazzy suit on a Policemanís salary?

-There were also some uniform cops on hand...one of them was CLEARLY ignoring the clean shaven requirement that all cops must adhere to...and his hairstyle was kind of fey too.

The asked DX to come out of the ring. HHH called one of them Mark Furman.

-Ross, "Aw Hell, what a night itís gonna be!!!" You know..just once I would LOVE to hear him say, "Eh....tonight will be a decent show...nothing to write home about."


-Various members of the Pittsburgh Steelers are in the building. Somehow...I donít see any of them throwing a towel to a kid after being given a soda....I see them taking the soda and throwing the kid off the premises. This world has become so JADED.


-Mankind came to the ring.

-We see the time Val Venis stuffed a dirty sock in his pants...

-Then we see Val burn those books.

-Then we see Val do some other evil stuff. Seems like time killing to me.

-Mankind got on the mic and riffed on Val Venis..."Hellooooo, Pittsburgh! You know something-ah, Mankindís a lot like the Pittsburgh Steelers..."

-Lawler, "What? They suck? Ah ha ha haaa"

-Mankind, "We had a little disappointment yesterday, but weíre ready to kick some ARSE tonight!!"

-Ross, "I love Mick but.....parodying other people is a SINFULL, SHAMELESS, DISPLAY OF IMMATURITY!!!!!!! I CANNOT CONDONE THAT KIND OF

-Lawler was seen consoling Ross and whispering in his ear. Ross was seen crying, "DAMMIT KING, THAT BOY WAS LIKE A SON TO ME!! HOW COULD
HE..HOW COULD......" He started to cry...Lawler didnít have the heart to tell him about the big snot hanging from his nose.

-Val Venis came out. He hit the ring and grabbed the mic. He started to say, "Hellooo Lad..." Then Mankind whacked him one. The match was on.

-BIG sign that read, "RON JEREMY IS MY DAD"......it was up all night....douchebag. A: Itís been done already. B: Itís not funny. C: Most folks didnít even get it. D: NOBODY CARES!!!!

-Another sign seen read, "IíD RATHER BE IN CHYNA"....CAN WE STOP WITH

-Ross, "Has there ever been a more courageous, a more inspirational competitor, in the Loooong History of the WWF, than Mick Foley, better known as Mankind?" (Well.....has Jimbo ever heard of AKEEM THE AFRICAN DREAM???????)

-Seriously, didnít Ross say those exact same words about Steve Austin just two weeks ago?

-It went a while...then Mankind produced the Sock.

-Venis knocked him down....

-Mankind used the Double Arm DDT.....and got Socko on.

-Venis ducked it again.

-Mankind tried it one more time....and scored.

-Venis fought....but eventually succumbed...(WHAA?? A CLEAN FINISH???? WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP???)

-Ross, "I got a feeling that tonightís RAW will be like no other, that we experienced..here in the WWF!!!" (Dear God....what is wrong with my remote? Iím hearing Ross speak like Schiavone, almost naked girls prance around on Nitro....IS SOMEONE F-ING WITH ME????)

-Backstage, A detective asked Road Dogg for his real name. Doggy said, "Dees, Dees Nuts"...then broke out in giggles....so did I dammit...so did I.


-Say...arenít you Wade Boggsí Brother? Douche? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

-Bad A$$ said he wasnít even in the building.

-X-Pac started to freak about whether they were under arrest or not.

-HHH told them to ask McMahon where he was during the Austin thing.

-Then HHH said that his Lawyer was en route....whoís initials are DEFINTELY NOT "GS".....(VERY inside joke..so inside that only one person got it)

-"Douche Boggs"......HAW HAW HAW HAW HAWWWW

-Excuse me? Arenít you Mr. Probe? Enos Probe? BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA HO HO


-Luna meets up with test and Stephanie McMahon backstage and present them with a Engagement gift...they opened it...it was a stuffed Squirrel. Test told Stephy to keep it. Stephy told Test to take it. Test told Stephy to take it. Stephy suggested to give it to
Uncle Pat. Everyone wins. Except for the Squirrel, of course..there is nothing victorious about where heíll end up.

-The Godfather came out with 5 Hoís. Ross called them "Fine Steel City Hoís"....well, a few of them do look rusty.

-The Godfather lost his braids. Suddenly, I am not in mortal fear of him anymore.

-Oh..he still scares the piddle out of me.....just on a lot less grander scale.

-The Godfather condones prostitution, drug use, arson, and an absolute MERETRICIOUS taste in Autumnwear....Heavens....someone call "E: Fashion Emergency" PRONTISIMO!!!!! CODE RED, CODE RED!!!!!

-Kurt Angle comes out...under the Patriotís old theme music.....maybe he really IS dead?

-Godfather got on the mic and asked if those things on his chest were medals?

-Angle said no..he was born with enlarged nipples.....THEN he pulled the medals from under his tights.

-GF said that before the fans start booing Angle, (FOR WHAT????? BECAUSE HE TOLD US TO? WHAT? ARE WE ONE OF HIS HOíS?? I AM A FREE MAN MR. SHANGO!!!!!! I WILL BOO OR CHEER WHOMEVER I WISH!!!!!!), heíll trade one of his Gold Medals for..."well, they donít have any gold but they have a hell of a Gold spot" (and if you donít believe them...scrape them with a knife)

-Angle got on the mic and said, "Iím here to WRESTLE!"...BOO...HISS....BOO BOOO!!!!

-Hey, donít I know you? Arenít you Hunt? Mike Hunt? hee hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo haa haa haa haa

-wait a second....I was wrong.....youíre not Mike Hunt (ho ho)....arenít you Mr. LeHole? Shmell Lehole? PAWHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

-They lock up....Lawler said that the Hoís were "receivers of swollen goods." JR admonished him with a "Oh King, for Gosh sakes!"

-After 30 seconds of nothingevenclosetoresembling action...Angle got on the mic and whined at the crowd for cheering a Pimp and his sluts instead of an Olympic Athlete. Yeah well....LETíS SEE YOU WIN THE GOODWILL GAMES BUDDY!!!!!!!!!!!

-During the match, some bald dude showed up at ringside with a sign reading "WWF IS IMMORAL" sign on one side, and "RAW IS PORN" on another....GASP!!! COULD IT BE???????????

-He was quickly tossed out.

-GF tore up the sign.....Angle belly to bellied him and scored the pin. I like Kurt Angle.

-Excuse me? Are you not Mr. Nis? Phatpee Nis? YAW HAW HAW

-Backstage, those Security Guards were knocking on Vinceís door.


-Backstage, Vince swears up and down that he was there the whole time so he COULDNíT have driven the Humve...err...car. The cops asked about his "associates"....Vince said "What associates".....the names "Patterson" and "Brisco" came up....Vince said to go ask them...then warned the cops about leaving their billyclubs too exposed. Could be a problem.

-The Y2J ticker came on.


-Theme music.

-Jericho came out....a little bummed out. Lawler and Ross reminded us that Jericho promised to get a sex change operation if he didnít become IC champ this Sunday. Didnít Nash make a similar promise about joining WCW?

-Gangrel came out with Luna...I SWEAR I remember suggesting this a couple of weeks ago.

-Before anything could get going...

-Chyna came out with Miss Kitty and a mic. She reminded Jericho about that sex change thing....then offered to help him get started..and produced a big wire cutter (YEAH BABY!!!!!!!! ITíS RUBBING THE KNEE BY GOD!!!!!!!!!)

-Then Kitty said that all they needed was this, and produced a little pair of scissors....(oh all right dammit.....so what....ITíS NOT THE SIZE...ITíS WHAT WE CAN DO WITH IT!!!!)

-Yeah..and Santa is real too

-Chyna produced some Birth Control pills and some Tampons

-Then she wrapped up by producing a...I donít know what it is...a douchebag?

LOOOOOONG TIME SINCE...SINCE......whereís that Liquid Plumber?

-Meanwhile, Gangrel attacked Jericho from behind...give them 12 minutes, and these two guys would put on a SHOW.

-Two signs shown....one said "IíM WITH STUPID" and the other one said, "STUPID" with an arrow pointing South....now THATíS a nice variation on a theme.

-Gangrel won with a Bridge after Chyna distracted Jericho.....she flashed him her huge vag.

-Jericho walked away...looking like he lost it. Chyna mocked him.

-Backstage, The Big Show cornered Vince and asked him to book a match with the Bossman. Vince asked him who he was and how did he get in the building? TWO WRITERS, ONE WEB GUY, AND TERRY TAYLOR BAIL OUT AND THIS PLACE IS FALLING APART AT THE SEEMS!!!!!!

-Then Vince walked into DXís dressing room and told them that they are all gonna fight someone tonight in appreciation of this cop stuff. Then he asked Road Dog why his cheeks were puffed out and why he seemed to be holding his breath? And what was that burning smell too? Smells like sweetened cigarettes? Road Dog hummed, "Mmm
mmm" and shrugged his shoulders.

-Bradshaw and Faarooq beat the crap out of some guys who "followed them from Detroit". Not even the WWF would dare have ANYONE named "Bradshaw" get his arse whupped in Pittsburgh.


-Bradshaw and Faarooq beat them up again.

-The Big Show came out. Hey, I thought he got a very nice pop.


-The Bulldog came out with the Mean Street Posse......never before has a push been halted so abruptly. Jeeze...what happened to the Bulldog?

-Iíll tell ya what happened....he landed on a trapdoor....THATíS what happened.

-As a result....the Chokeslam that he received 10 seconds into this match was very carefully placed.

-The Mean Streeters all got nasty chokers thoí...landed roight on their bums they did.

-Michael Cole was standing by with The Rock.....at some point, you will HAVE to wonder.....is he polishing his character to acute levels of sharpness? Or is it becoming a parody of itself?

-And why has he started jerking his head like a xxxxx rooster?

-The Rock mused that he was finally back in Pittsburgh....and he seemed pleased with that.

-The Rock was happy to accept the BBMís challenge...claiming that he was in the right mood and this was the match to "make the Rockís bacon sizzle"...(I would have figured hot babes would do that...but cíest life)

-Then the Rock was approached by those two Detectives....who pointed out that the car that hit Austin was rented in HIS name. The Rock said he knew that....then asked if this was a black thing? (Damn cops)

-The Rock said that he reported his rental as stolen.....

-then he said...he said....ahh you know what he said.....

-"IT DOESNíT MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!!" Not only did the fans see that coming..but they played along.

-Excuse me....do I know you miss? Arenít you Ms. Luballs? Yeah...you are...youíre Deb Luballs....YEAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

-Hoo hoo hooo


-You got to admit.....it is sofa king cool to hear him get the crowd to chant his name like that.

-"sofa king".....haw haw bwa hah

-Then he told him what to do with a big old Jelly donut. I enjoyed it..but itís such a pain in the arse to recap it.


-The King was talking to the cops..and insinuated that maybe Jim Ross was the driver....(MY GOD!!!! IT WAS FERRERA!!!!!!!!! ITíS A SET UP, JIM!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP AND CALL THE LAWYERS!!!!!!!!! NOW DAMMIT NOW!!!!!!!)

-By the way, Lawlerís Face lifts are REALLY becoming obvious

-Road Dogg came out....he had something to say which I ignored. (I was fingering my starfish....sometimes, you gotta feel the squish...and the smell isnít that bad really)

-Al Snow came out as Jerry Lawler went back to his spot. Ross asked Lawler to explain how he could have driven the car when he was SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO LAWLER THE ENTIRE TIME???????

-They started to fight...Lawler said that Ross has been unstable as of late.....Ross denied it.

-It was kind of funny listening to Ross try so hard NOT to be like Schiavone and divide his time with calling the match and pursuing Lawler with his line of questioning...because you KNOW Tony would have said, "F-THE MATCH!"

-Lawler pointed out that Rossís parents died last year, and he went through two attacks of Bells Palsy...plus that unsettling display on Nitro.

-Ross got REAL quiet..and REALLY got the hell OUT of this conversation. I donít think this was part of the script. Lawler got a BIT carried away.

-Lawler pointed out that Snowís action figure (*COUGHdollforfagsHACK*) caused a controversy, with Ground Zero being in Atlanta.

-Ross called Atlantaís major newspaper..."The Atlanta Urinal Constipation".......then said that from now on, People should get ALL their news from the Internet (HEAR!!! I SAY HEAR HEAR!!!!!!!)

-Excuse me..but a female severed head isnít that big a deal.....KEN STILL DOESNíT HAVE A PECKER YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU????? WHAT DOES THAT TELL THE BOYS COLLECTING BARBIES???????

-Well..it sort of tells the boys collecting Barbies a LOT...now doesnít it....I mean..come on...those boys grow up to be men...men raised on Barbies. Read between the lines, Nitwit.

-The Road Dog won a decent match..cleanly. This is NOT the WWF.

-Snow was ticked.....Mankind came out and consoled him by saying that even though his Doll (for Godís sakes guys.....grow some nads wouldíja?) was being yanked off every shelf in America....(Snow cut in by screaming, "THEY THINK I BEAT WOMEN!!"), Pittsburgh still loves him....

-Then he amended..."Well, not LOVE him, but like him very much"

-Then Mankind tried to get the crowd to sing "For Heís A Jolly Good Fellow"....but Pittsburgh didnít play (THOSE COMMIE PECKERHEADS!!!!!!!)

-Funny bit as Mankind hugged Snow..and got him to whimper "Which nobody can deny" while cradling his head.

-When did Snow lose the dye job anyway?

-Mankind finished up y saying that he talked Vince into giving them some time off, so theyíll be taking a little vacation in "The City that never sleeps, the City of Lost Angels....Las Vegas!!" And they would party like it was 1999.

-I hear these two guys basically write their own scripts.....I have to assume a great deal of Improvising is involved.

-We see the Austin thing again.....shouldnít the Bogus Sting be questioned?


-HHH and X-Pac lured Kane into a meticulously planned, devious trap. X-Pac called to him and said, "Hey Kane, itís time for the ambush segment!" (ahh, how this company misses the minute details of Russoís loving imagination)

-Chris Jericho grabbed a cameraman and dragged him into a room....where Chyna was tied up to a chair.

-Jericho lectured/ranted to Chyna about how funny she is talking about chopping off his p**is...and how embarrassing all this is to him.

-Then he demanded that Chyna admit to him being the better man in this deal (huh?)

-Chyna told him to go screw himself.

-Jericho produced a Hammer and got more frantic.

-Chyna said that since he was probably gonna do it anyway...F-him

-Jericho paused....and said that his bluff has been called...he would NEVER hit a defenseless woman. (With THOSE Cannonballs? Is he shi**ing?)

-Then Jericho pounded on her hand anyway. Chyna cried like a woman
(FAG!!...Oh...wait a second...)

-Jericho left...the camera guy just stood there as Chyna pleaded for some help.....DAMMIT!!!! HELP HER!!!! SURE YOU REPORT THE NEWS

-Shouldnít this be the time where I cheer the brutalization of a female? Yes, I should.....yeah, jericho...go jericho, go....

-eh...heartís not into it.

-Saaay...do I know you? Yeah, you are Mr. Clicker? Riiight....Rich Clicker? May I call you d.....*snicker*.....Di.....*snort*......Dick? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

-I canít stand it...I just canít stand it...WHOO HOO HOOOOOOOO HAH!!

-Iím sure I also wonít be able to stand all the bad suggestions thatíll come rushing in.....SAVE YOUR ENERGY FOR THE CLOSER IN THE NITRO COLUMN!!!!!! YOUíLL NEED IT!!!! TRUST ME!!!!!!!!!!


-footage of what just happened

-Test came to the ring....what happened to his nose? Did Stephanie fart?

-Backstage, Chyna was being tended to....her hand was all bloody? When did she have time to manually do herself? And why do it during her time of the month?

-Mr. Arse came to the ring. He went right to work on the nose.

-Ross and Lawler talked about Austinís car wreck....I think Ross blamed OJ

-Meanwhile, Test won with a roll-up...not a bad row....then Bad A$$ gave Test a "Famouser" on his nose. Ross had DARED to cry foul on that. (ITíS HIS FINISHER LAMO!!!!!!!!!!)

-Interview segment with Arnold Schwartzenegger (Which is Austrian for "Black Plowman"....true) talking about how much fun he had at Smackdown.

-Iíll say this for Ah-nuld....the man is a panderer. He didnít let more than three sentences go by without pushing "End of Days" on Smackdown...then on MTVís "TRL" he read off a list of the bands on his soundtrack with all the excitement of a Black Plowman during Harvest season. "Limp Bizzcut...YES, YES, END OF DAYS, NOVEMBER 24, GUNS


-earlier tonight....X-Pac and HHH were up to no good.

-Vincent K. (I dropped $20í000 to get Arnold to plug his movie ad naseum on Smackdown) McMahon came out and joined his broadcast employees. Vince said that HHH may be going to jail.

-HHH came to the ring...Vince asked him where his belt was.....wiseacre

-Kane came out...and X-Pac attacked him from behind. Kane fought back....HHH charged.

OVER..oh..wait a minute!"

-Vince admonished JR about something...JR mumbled a "Yessir"...Jimboís not having a happy day.

-Vince said that "Triple H screwed Triple H".....Ross commented that it was a "time honored tradition of the Survivor Series"

-BIG sing read, "LAWLERíS A PERV"

-Vince got very morose when talking about Austinís injury.....you would too if you just made your company public and the top man was suddenly out of the picture. (Iím still not convinced it isnít a total work. Give Austin a rest and get the Rock as the #1 man for
a while)

-Kane went for the pin...3H kicked out....Vince, "And LOOK AT THIS!!! YEAH THE GAME IS O....oh well!" (CLOSE ENOUGH BABY!!!!! BOOOYAAHHHH)

-After a little bit of not half bad action.....

-HHH shoved Vince back by his face

-Vince got steamed and charged the ring...he swung at HHH and missed. 3H swung back and hit...down he went. The Bell rang

-Kane was up and popped him one....HHH went down.

-Vince jumped on HHH and pounded away....

-HHH ended up chokeslammed

-X-Pac ran in and dragged HHH away.

-Hey, arenít you DeKark? Felix DeKark? No? Allright...my mistake *snort*....HAW!!!

-The Big Bossman is getting ready....visibly bewildered as to how the HELL he made it to the main event (believe me..he ainít alone)

-The Rock is pacing....probably thinking up snappy new catchphrases that WCW can rip off.


-footage of what just happened with Vince and Hunter

-The Big Bossman comes out....not only is it a Hardcore match, but it also determines who the Number 1 contender for the title was. (I thought it would be Chyna?)

-El Rocko comes out. He mounts the second ropes and soaks in the vibes.....groovy.

-The bell rings...the Bossman attacks.

-It goes outside...the BBM goes over the rail

-The Rock wraps a rope around BBMís throat...then drags him back to ringside.

-BBM reaches under the mat...and breaks a broom over Rockyís back.

-The Rock lays the BBM across the Spanish Table..then whacks a stick across his nuts.

-Then the Rock snaps a picture of the Bossman.

-BBM picks up the steel steps....the Rock uses a chair to knock him down...then hammers the steps with the chair.

-The Rock yanks a belt off the Refís waist.....I heard the Ref yell, "HEY, I AINíT COOKING JACK SH**!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

-The Rock starts whipping the Bossman....suddenly, he thinks heís Hogan.

-The Rock hit the Rock Bottom...then Prince Albert runs out....itís two on one with no rules.....CAN YOU STAND IT??????

-Albert ends up hitting BBM with a chair....

-The Rock gives the Elbow to the BBM.....Albert tries to interfere.....but hit the BBM instead.

-One thing led to Al Jama...and....

-The Bossman sneaks a Sidewalk Slam on the Rock and procures the win....who is he blowing?

-After the match, the Rock grabs the nightstick and proceeds to beat the crap out of both of them....he also used a TV Monitor on Prince Albert, and uses a chain on the BBM

-Before everything ended....at least one Ref...Bruce Pritchard, and Sergeant Slaughter were all Rock Bottomed. Albert and the BBM were bleeding. The Rock was swinging the chair with a wild look in his eye

The show ended.


And I think I missed the bit where the Police questioned Brisco and Patterson...oh well.

Now go read the Nitro recap...especially the closer.



Oh...you want one more?

Oh screw it...okay..

Excuse me? Do I know you? I DO..I DO KNOW YOU!!! Youíre Peasonkrotch... Herb Peasonkrotch! GLAD TO MEET YA!!! Forgive me if I donít shake hands.

Now go...



Mop-Up Nitro
by Hyatte

Nitro Mop Up

[page 1 of 13]


In my quest for entertaining commentary and attitude flavored texture, sometimes I go over the line and target the wrong people who have done nothing wrong. I tend to react to what I perceived as personal attacks and make it a priority to respond with much more vehemence.

Sometimes, I go over the line. I went over the line in a past RAW Mop-Up and issued a personal attack on someone who is completely 'innocent' in the game of 'Internet Wrestling Journalism'. I fully apologize for those statements and assure you that the subject of my viciousness commentary ('Jenny S.') will never be brought up again in any future columns.

Chris Hyatte

Official Scoops Statement

Mop-Up Nitro

Letís just get to it..because I am REALLY jacked about this weekís closer. Blow through all this recap if you want...BUT YOU MUST READ THE CLOSER.

NITRO (or: Is "Surge" considered "kosher"?)

-WCW Logo: L. Ron Hubbard never had a symbol that looked this cool.

-Opening theme. Donít those Nitro Girls know ANY other dance routines? Itís the same one, over, and over, and over....

-The first voice we hear is, of course, Anthony "No Tone" Schiavone...who screams that "LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS...WELCOMES...WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!!!!". Tony, unfortunately, never explains why "Ar-Kansas" is pronounced "Ar-Kansaw".

-I saw an HBO Documentary a few years back that says that Arkansas is FILLED with Street gangs......all members are white. "Yo, yo, yo check out the deejay spin that phat beeoytch Shania Twain on the turntable...boyeeeeeee"

-Tony called tonight, "One of the most important nights of 1999!".....(WHAT???? WHAT ABOUT THE NIGHT I WAS AWARDED THREE NET AWARDS??????)

-Oh great, ANOTHER Important Nitro....this is the 43rd week in a row. Donít worry thoí.....Tony will get his.....just read the closer.

-Things get going right off the bat with the emergence of "Screaminí" Norman Smiley.....dressed in a football uniform and helmet. (Oh brother....if youíre anything like me, the first thing you did was say, "Why is my pecker all of the sudden hard?")

-The second thing you did was ask, "Do I really care about this?" I mean, sure, it was cute at first...but....itís Smiley...who cares?

-Jimmy Hart comes out wearing a suit of armor. Tony understood that a great many of the viewers were sound asleep during much of their "Civics" classes, so he was kind enough to scream, "Jimmy Hart is in a suit of armor... A SUIT OF ARMOR!!!!!!!!!!"

-Then Tony showed the world that he was indeed "hip" by referencing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"...tune in next week when Tony REALLY shows off his coolness and starts riffing on the collected works of the Marx Brothers...("Now Zeppo, Brain, Zeppo was the TRUE genius. He couldnít speak so all HIS comedy came from his mannerisms!!)

-Letís face it.....precious few care about Smiley, but NOBODY cares about Jimmy Hart any more.

-Except for Tony, of course, forcing out the laughter like there was a gun pointed to his head...(oh God...we can dream canít we?)

-Heenan had the nerve to call this "great".

-So, itís a Hardcore Match...although Lord knows what silly angle led up to getting Hart in the ring.

-What I want to know is, even though both men are padded up from head to toe...why are they still giving WEAK A$$ED shots??? Jeezus people...sell it a little.

-Hart threw powder in Smileyís eyes...Smiley took off the Helmet and started to scream.....again......we get it....he doesnít like to get hurt....can we develop this some more now?

-Brian Knobbs came out...hit Smiley on the back with a chair...Smiley realized that it didnít hurt...turned around..and took a chair right on his nogginí.

-Hart ended up going through a table set up for Smiley, and Norman got the pin. Knobbs got pissed and attacked Smiley. Smiley cried...so did I dammit.

-Please..just...please...no more Jimmy Hart....EVER.

-Tony and Bobby congratulated each other on that great match (I didnít get it either)...then ran down the brackets for tonightís Tournament semi-finals...Hart vs Kidman...(wouldnít all that grease in one concentrated area be considered a fire hazard?), Luger vs Sting, Benoit vs Hall, and Jarrett vs Bagwell. Fun, fun, FUN.

-Tony said that Rick Steiner would be taking on Sid Vicious tonight...then added that "You heard us talking about that all weekend on our programs"...(Oh..right...we watch ALL WCW PROGRAMS!!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!!!!!! NON-STOP....SATURDAY NIGHT, WORLDWIDE, THUNDER.....IF ITíS WCW ON THE SCREEN, THEN OUR ARSES ARE COLLECTIVELY GLUED!!!!)

-Keep this in mind people..keep it all in mind.

-Mike Tenayís forehead is all shiny from the dreaded "Booze sweats" as he talks to Curt Hennig. Hennig says that heís gonna give Goldberg everything heís got tonight because he is a Satan worshipper.....so there.

-Backstage again...Kimberly Page runs into TERRY TAYLOR!!!!! The both mumble their lines, then Taylor jerks his thumb out and Kimberly leaves. Boy, they didnít waste any time establishing that Taylor was back in WCW...did they?

-Backstage, we see Scott Hall and Kevin Nash walking towards the ring. Nash is made up to look a little like Sid Vicious.....this, of course, causes Tony to go into hysterics.

-Fade to black....we hear some production assistant scream, "AND...WEíRE OUT!!!"....ooo, Russoís gonna ream some booty on that one...he wants PERFECTION DAMMIT!!!!!!!!

-Also as we fade to black, Heenan screamed, "AUGH".....letís hope some fan got frisky and kicked him in the nuts....


-Last Monday, Scott Hall became the US Champ.....and they say Alcohol brings you nothing but BAD things.

-Scott Hall and Kevin Nash come to the ring.....Kevin Nash is all dolled up to look something like Sid Vicious. Last week, he was the Grand Wizard...who died before much of Nitroís audience was even born. Hell, Hogan only had a thinning hairline back when he died.


-My God...you know..I liked to get kissed before I get F-ed.

-In fact...F-It....how about a quick little CARNAC of my own..just to remind folks just who is the MAN....

-May I have the first envelope.....

-The first envelope.....hermetically sealed

-I must have complete silence...

-Often times, Carnac gets that

-Oh you fat, old, drunk.


-I am placing the envelope on my hand and will now reveal the answer...

-Yes, Carnac is doing that....

-Nobody, they are all losers

-Nobody, they are all losers

-*rip puff*

-Other than Al Isaacs, who else was quoted in Entertainment Weekly?


-May Paul Heyman have you swan dive into a pile of ungimmicked rabid Raccoons


-May Wrestling Uncensored throw you off their boards for being untalented

-Fate worse than death...HIYOOOOOOOOOOO

-May Remy Artiega scrutinize every inch of your columns before posting it.


-May Hyatte get your home phone number and post it on his ICQ profile page


-Now THATíS a Carnac bit.

-Hall and Nash hit the ring.....Hall does that.."put Ďem up" thing he does..and the fans freak.

-"Sid, youíre as dumb as you look, and I got the proof, right HERE!"..(he does that over the head pointy thing that was started by Kurt Cobain...I believe)

-Nash sneers into the camera....Heenan remarks that he has more chins than something or another...Schiavone stayed wisely quiet...Tony knows MUCH better than to start on physical characteristics.

-"I AM THE RULER..OF THE WORLD!!!" (didnít he stop saying that?)

-"I CANíT WALK AND CHEW GUM AT THE SAME TIIIIIME!!".....(well gee....who can?)

US CHAMPION...RIGHT NOW!!!" (OR...if he swallowed the gum...and he had a similar incident like he had with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania two years ago.....his arse cheeks would be glued together!)

-So, Nash kept up the dumb guy act for a while.....interspersing it with many "RULER OF THE WORLD" refrains...when

-Nash came out...oops..I mean Sid came out....excuse me while I throw my own gum out.

-Sid came out with a mic...and said that the fun ends NOW! (Now? Itís only 8:30?...Dammit...I gotta recap 2:30 hours of SERIOUSNESS??? CRAP!!!).

-Sid, "See Nash, you can wear any Halloween costume you want to. But you know and I know, that you are only half the man I am!! And I have half the brain, that you do!!" (That was funny.....made funnier by the fact that he didnít exactly seem to realize his error. Hall and Nash did..and they were CRACKING UP)

-So, Sid said that Hallís quest for Championship gold would end tonight (Heís gonna get him liquored up at the Hotel bar and push him in the Ladies Bathroom)

-Then Sid challenged Nash to get out of his self imposed retirement and fight him tonight...reminding him that he once jobbed to 220 pound kid who posed for Playgirl. Then he asked whatever happened to Nashís nuts.

-Oh...that got Nash upset. As the Outsiders looked at each other seriously, Tony mumbled something about that "retirement angle" being lame anyway. No Tony, DRESSING UP LIKE A HIP 30 SOMETHING AND NOT WASHING OR CUTTING YOUR HAIR FOR THAT 90íS GRUNGE LOOK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS IS LAME!!!!! ONLY YOU NEVER HAD THE SAC TO PROTEST ANYTHING!!! I SWEAR TO GOD I"M GONNA...IíM GONNA......

-easy....easssssy.....wait for the Closer...wait for the Closer.

-Boilermakenay, who was talking to Booker T. Booker talked up his handicapped match with the two Russo bodyguards....named "Creative Control"....also named "Patrick and Gerald". So, which one is the Homosexual?

-Booker T said something about the poop hitting the fan "when midnight strikes".....Oh no...OH NO!! I AM NOT WATCHING THIS CRAP FOR THE NEXT 5 HOURS!!!!!!!! NO WAY JOSE.....NO WAY HOSE B EITHER!!!!!!!!

-Kimberly greets "Creative Control" in front of a door..one of them goes in to tell Russo...the other one tries to pick Kimberly up...Kimberly makes a face of disgust....Lord knows..Iíve seen that face on many a women.

-As if Page is some sort of prize...THE MAN HAS LIVER SPOTS ON HIS FACE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!


-Kimberly is sitting with Russo....Russo tells her to shut her cake hole and do what sheís told...suddenly, Kimberly is under contract with HIM??? She is scheduled to fight Asya in a tune up match...with a Guest referee to boot. And if she didnít like it..well Russoís
got 3 inches of Brooklyn dynamite that she can shove up her bum. Kimberly walked out in anger.

-I hope Page gets back soon and does what comes natural when the Boss abuses his wife...move in next door to him and tend to his lawn.

-Then he told Creative Control to go handle that Booker T....because, obviously, WCW is an all white company.

-Nash came in and sat down......donít need Kreskin to figure out what happens next.

-Before Booker T comes out.....he is accosted by Chavo Guerrero in some angle that I neither understand, nor do I care about...and judging from the other recaps I ripped off fro...I MEAN READ AND GOOF ON...READ AND GOOF ON!!! SCAN THROUGH AND GOOF ON REALLY!!!!! THEYíRE ALL A PACK OF LOSER ARSE WANNABES!!!!!!....nobody else really understands, and nobody else really cares either.

-Creative Control took on Booker in a Handicapped match.

-As soon as the bell rang, Tony announced that Nash and Sid was just signed. Thereís a SHOCKER

-I saw two signs in the building that pushed "MIPB"......which of course, is a shout out to my girls at "The Men in Pink and Black"....which, of course, can be found at
http://www.voicenet.com/~cybrmook/home.html....free plugs reign supreme from an unusually generous Internet King.

-TWO VERY white guys wearing white shirts and ties are fighting a VERY black guy without a shirt on? In the city where our PRESIDENT IS FROM????? THIS IS PROGRESS?????

-The fans started to chant "BOOKER T, BOOKER T"....I told you about the Gangs here. Donít you EVER doubt me again.

-Creative Control (who are LOUSY in the sack......in a nice little touch of Irony) won..because..well....the head booker is from Brooklyn....come on...watch ANY Spike Lee movie....youíll see.

-Then they started to kick Booker T....then the lights went out.

-They came back on and a beautiful black sister was in the ring....she and Booker cleaned house....hmm..hm mm MM...I want me some o THAT!!! Fine chocolate pudding.

-Backstage...Jimmy Hart and his lame team engage in some angle development. Believe me, Iím doing you a favor here by skipping out on it all.

-Goldberg is in the building.....yíknow, I saw some of that movie "Mary: Mother of Jesus" (I think)...that guy didnít look ANYTHING like Goldberg....OR Alanis.....OR Willem Dafoe.


-Russo lectures the creative Control about losing to a woman. He referenced "Eli and Jacob Blue", offered to call Dutch Mantell (turns out his line is busy....heís too busy calling individual homes and pleading with the owners NOT to let their children perform the wrestling moves they see on TV...then he is telling them to check out
www.scoopswrestling.com..FOR GODíS SAKES DUTCH...STOP IT!!!!!!!!), and DOA.

-Russo ordered them to get Torrie and the Luchadors.....can you say "Mexican Orgy"?

-Evan Karagias fought the Referee he beefed with last week....who cares?

-Madusa came out and convinced nobody that she might be in love with
Karagias....Madusa also showed that she has no clue how to project her voice...we could barely understand her...which was probably for the better.

-Karagias won after Madusa hit the ring and made the Refís entire body go limp.....seeing her close up like that will do that.

-The two started to make out a little....show me tongue and MAYBE Iíll start believing in true love again.

-Silver King, El Dandy, A Villano (no jokes...Iíve been spoken to about
that....comprende?), Ugly Psychosis, and Juventud Guererra are told by Russo that they will all have a "Pinata" match.....where a check for ten grand will be placed in a Pinata and ....blah..blah...blah. The scariest thing about all this was Juvee announced that he has
a son....The dude is what....SEVENTEEN????????

-The second scariest thing is that Russo ACTUALLY SAID, "Yous guys".....and you WONDER why Vince kept him off camera all the time?? Dude..at least Bischoff had an impeccable delivery. He was a professional orator.

-Steve Williams is in WCW...as we see.

-He is escorted in by a guy dressed as......as....oh my god NO!!! NO..PLEASE DONíT!!! THEY WOULDNíT...THEY COULDNíT!!!!!!!!


-spot for Goldbergís "Target Acquired" t-shirt.....yes, buy it..wear it..and youíll be the target of every self respecting tough guy in your High school...I hope you enjoy the blue toilet water kiddo...ícause youíll be drinking it.

-Go ahead..try to Spear them with your 75 pound skinny arse.

-Creative Control find a WCW Official and ask him if heís seen Torrie....I think the point here was just so they can say, "Torrie Wilson, blonde hair, good looking girl, filthy animal"...(YEAH BABY!!!!! RUSSO IS A FRICKINí GOD !!!!!!!!!!!)

-The Luchadors start fighting. The Pinata is hanging on a pole.

-5 seconds later...the Pinata falls on the ground.....Tony uses his years of improvisational experience and screams, "THE LUCHADORS HAVENíT EVEN NOTICED IT YET!!!"...(meanwhile, El Dandy was staring at it with his jaw on the ground...having no clue how to get through this).

-The match was nothing....actually, it was just fine, but it took a DISTANT second to what REALLY happened in this segment.

-Steve Williams and Jim Ross came out. It was actually Ed Ferrera dressed as Jim Ross. I did not know this until some Internet dickhead (*COUGHtakeaguessCOUGH HACK*)mentioned it so casually in passing..as if we ALL were as smart as him and SHOULD have known it was Ferrera...even though to this day, Ferrera has NEVER made a television appearance....or at least was never properly introduced to us. Oh, of course..it was Ferrera...didnít we ALL know this?

-Anywhoo...Jim Ross (never acknowledged by name) came out and commandeered the Announce table. What we will do is go through this calmly and without comment...then I shall discuss this at length.

-Ferreross came out....Tony giggled "Oh My God".....then told him that he had to put on a headset in order to be heard.

-Ferreross was heard....his face was intentionally twisted to show the effects of Bellís Palsy....he called Tony a permanent member of the "B team", so let the "A Team take over"

-Fererross talked up Williamsí football accomplishment....then stated that Williams once wrestled "Olympic champion Bruce Bongarden"

-Ferreross, "Whatta you tryiní tído? call a match? Then step aside son and let me show you how itís done!"

-Tony, "I REPLACED you one time..and I....I..go ahead"

-Ferreross, "And I replaced you Son, so just scoot on down there!"

-Tony, (high voice of pleasure) "I canít believe this!"

THAT..DROPKICK FROM THE TOP ROPE!!!! Thatís how itís done son, you speak in soundbites, son, speak in soundbites."

-Heenan, losing what class he USED to have staying quiet when Bischoff ranted about Vince, "Tony, THIS guy knows what heís doing!"


-"Whoís that? Juvee? Is that Juvee?"

-Tony verified that it was Juventud


-Ferreross said that Juvee was "A great defensive lineman from Tijuana State!!" Okay..I have to admit...I laughed my arse off on that one...and the "PINATA" stuff.

-Tony...speaking for US again, "Nobody cares about those stats....nobody cares!!"

-Heenan, "You know all about football!!"

-Ferreross, "I know everything there is about football! Iíve done everything there is in this business!"

-"I am the greatest play by play man in this business"

-Heenan, "And if you donít believe him, ask him!"

-Then he goofed on his BBQ Sauce...claiming that itíll be on the shelves in the next 23 years.

-Ferreross, "OOOH..STICK, STICK, STICK!!!!!!"

-Tony, "Aw I knew you wanted your old job back, youíve been calling for years, but this is crazy."

-Ferreross, "Dr. Deathís gonna go through this locker room, like a Hemophiliac goes through a package of Band-Aids.....OH JUVEE, JUVEE, JUVEE!!!!!!"

-"JUVEE, JUVEE, JUVEE...heís the only one whose name I know so Iím just gonna keep repeating it, JUVEE, JUVEE, JUVEE!!!!"


-You get the idea.....Dr. Death came in, took the check, and destroyed the Luchadors.

-I COULD keep going..but itís exhausting going through this...but the "el receipto" was killer.

-Okay...letís break it down...

-I laughed...loudly...at times....other times I cringed.

-Making fun of his facial problems? Well, since I do it too, I canít really cry foul.

-Making fun of him? Well, Jim ainít no angel in this department...now is he?

-No...the biggest problem I had is that they used THIS...to characterize Jim Ross as a blithering idiot..and to GET SCHIAVONE OVER AS THE TOP ANNOUNCER OF MONDAY NIGHT!!!!!

-This was to show how SUPERIOR Schiavone is.....to show that he is NOT about hyperbole, or spasms of excitement....THAT is what they TRIED to do.

-How dare they. Those Mother F-ers....I donít care about goofing on Jim Ross....Ross dished it out..now he has to take it.

-BUT.......wanna know why Tony can NOT be parodied? Because he has NO

-Now...they are trying to give Tony a little personality. Unfortunately, itís the personality of a total a-hole.

-This is where I would talk about bounties and oral sex and his kid..but you know what....the closer will cover all this in spades...the closer will deal with Schiavone on UNHEARD of levels.

-7 & 7ay talked to Goldberg. The Big G is gonna remind us who he is and what he represents. Pardon me, but were we ever told who he was and what he represents in the first place?


-Dry Manhattenay talked to Kevin Nash...after (rightfully) sniffing at Schiavone for having DARED make a comment about the retirement angle sucking...he retorted by saying that for the longest time, this whole company SUCKED (of course..he didnít make a peep about how he BOOKED the company into suckage).

-Nash said that fun is fun...but Sid got him STEAMED....so tonight, heís gonna kick his teeth out...Oh no, NOT in the conventional way...no, this time he plans on climbing up his (I assume) "candy" arse and kicking the teeth in from the INSIDE. (Hmm..no wonder
his wife bailed out on him...CHALK ANOTHER ON UP FOR THE PINK TEAM!!!!!)

-Is he booking this anal teeth kicking himself?

-The Dark One (Time is our enemy here people...WE MUST STOP DILLENGER THE ANTI..ARRRRRRGH...MY....CHEST...MY....CHE..........................

-Where was I? I had a total mind fart for a second there...

-Okay...Doug Dillenger waited with a team of WCW Security outside the door...

-Out came the Big Lug...they begin walking.

-GB gets to a doorway when CURT HENNIG SLAMS THE DOOR IN HIS FACE!!!!

-Hennig is so proud of himself...he jumps around all happy, then like a lummox, he opens the door.

-Thereís Goldberg..standing right there..untouched.....DíOH!!!!!!!

-GB attacks....notice those WCW Security does nothing....WHY ARE THEY THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN???? ITíS SO POINTLESS!!!!!!

-Goldberg punches away at Hennig.....then goes for a haymaker...Hennig ducks...GB hits the wall..not even a chip of paint falls off...friggin wall....DOESNíT IT KNOW THAT EVERYTHING IN CREATION MUST SELL THE SHOTS OF OUR HERO??????

-Say..if Hennig loses.and is executed on the spot as this angle demands...couldnít Goldberg just resurrect him?

-The fight stays backstage....Hennig knocks down the cameraman....probably out of humiliation.

-They make it into the arena proper...the bell rings.

WCW!!!!" As opposed to the old way of licking Bischoffís arse until his colon is clean.

-They get it into the ring...both Heenan and Tony agreed that this wasnít a match....THEN WHAT THE FU&$ IS IT??????

-You know...I just want to feed Tony some mice and watch them eat him from the inside out.

-Goldberg won with the Ankle Lock Variation...then he Speared Hennig and Jackhammered him. To his credit, Hennig fought a good fight...and to his credit, Goldberg did his fair share of selling.

-Backstage, Kimberly got some advice from DDP over the phone....then the lights went out...then HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN came to the rescue...HOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw was a Janitor now. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw was overacting like crazy...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw claimed that it was a burnt fuse....HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-Hacksaw claimed that fuses "burned out all the time in this place"
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooWHOOOOA.....How the Christ would HE know?

-The two bald dudes hunted down the Filthy Animals and wanted Torrie.....they threatened them with termination unless Torrie was produced.


-Duggan and Chavo had some antics. I look at Hacksawís (HOOOOOOO) acting ability and think to myself, "Damn....that could have been James Dean if he hadnít croaked."

-Yíthink...maybe...old Jim should have maybe STAYED retired? hooooooo?

-Vampiro and the Misfits came out all in white face (THOSE RASCIST

-Berlyn and his Bodyguard...now called "The Wall"...came out. Somehow..I doubt this guy is what Pink Floyd had in mind.

-By the way, yes itís true...if you play the entire B side of "Eddie and the Cruisers" in conjunction with the beginning of the third hour of ANY given Nitro...song and video will match up PERFECTLY!!!!!! Will wonders ever cease?


-The match ended with Vampiro being HUNG by a chain courtesy of Berlyn....with the Wall looking on, nervously. I would say more, but I have this long standing rule about recapping ANY match involving a Mexican, two Germans, and a lousy rock band...I WILL NOT IGNORE MY PRINCIPALS FOR YOU PEOPLE!!!!!!

-The Creative Control find Torrie..and are escorting her to Russoís den.

-Goldberg is still in the building...Tony thought that he wouldíve been out picking up hookers to wash his feet by now.


-Russo offered Torrie a "Cream Soda"...(HA!! That xxxxx mutt) then said sheíll be reffing the chick match in a bikini. Torrie asked what a referee was.

-I look at Torrie..and I truly see a girl who thinks she is WAAAAY too good for this gig.

-Rick Steiner came to the ring. He seems to have dropped that faggoty jacket that did NOTHING to make him look good.

-Then again...Ricky would have problems selling himself in a 3 piece Armani.

-Sid came out.....this is an "Anything Goes" street fight.

-Well...let me take advantage of these "Anything Goes" rules by....going

-It ended with Sid Powerbombing Steiner through the stage. Schiavone pretended to have never seen Nash do the same thing to Bischoff or the Giant do the same thing to Dallas Page and acted like this was a sign of the Apocalypse.

-commercials...I LOVE that spot for "Soul Reaver" where a guy is about to light his grill, which is SWIMMING in Lighter fluid...."At least he was able to keep his soul!!" BWAHAHAAAAA

-Steiner is being stretched away...replete with neck brace. All three of his fans have boners at half mast right now.

-Tony showed video slo-mo that PROVED that Sid had no idea what he just did...MY GOD!!!! IT WAS A SHOOT!!!!!!! THIS IS WCW!!!!! NOTHING IS WORKED!!!!!!

-Fosterís Lagenay talked to Sid..who promised more of the same for Kevin Nash

-Thereís Nash...examining the intricacies of electrical tape.

-Jerry Flynn waged battle with the Barbarian in the "bowels of the building"......sorry Vince, but the First Family just ainít happening.

-Tony called it "WCWís version of the "Fight Club"


-Tony called it "WCWís version of the "Fight Club"......it would have been more entertaining to see either Flynn of the Barbarian fight each other in a schizo brawl. And I doubt anyone would mind seeing one of them shoot themselves in the face. But which one of them got to bang that haggy chick?

-here...Iíll even let some space out so you canít see it even peripherally




-Okay then...

-commercials...whoa...how disappointed would they be if WCWís theme music nose dived as the WWF theme soundtrack hit the top 5?

-Cosmopolitenay talked to Chris Benoit....."Mike, I have the charisma of a Spiffy Styles, but that ainít gonna stop me from kicking that drunk arsed Scott Hall and making his ex wife hold my cup in the process."

-Asya came out....she ainít bad.

-Kimberly came out. She ainít bad either

-Torrie came out in the skimpiest of Bikiniís.....Tony and Heenan shrieked "ITíS ALL ABOUT THE RATINGS!!!! ITíS ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS!!!" (yes..but...DOUCHEBAG.....the WWF never TALKED ABOUT THE RATINGS!!!! CAN YOU BE MORE DESPERATE?????)

-Then Tony pissed me off into regions NEVER BEFORE ENTERED......"Right now, every young man, 18-34 in that demographic, is having heart attack!"

-Iím 29...Iím SQUARELY in that demographic...Tony...a-hole...I did NOT have a Heart attack over some blonde ditz with a face blanker than a mannequin!!! I did NOT have a heart attack over a pair of concrete soccer balls that will undoubtedly sag down to her knees roughly one year before it dawns on her that maybe she should have read something other than the instructions on the side of her tanning bed at the closest Goldís Gym. Those looks will go and sheíll end up hanging on to some loser with a large pecker who just looks at her as a Trophy wife and makes her swallow his love goo because he says itís filled with protein and she believes him. No, Tony..I am NOT having a Heart

-Torrie and Asya started to fight.....Kimberly chose simply to watch. Itís the battle of the Cinemax soft core porn stars....WHEREíS LISA BOYLE WHEN YOU NEED HER???????

-Kidman ran out and quickly put a jacket on Torrie. Tony griped about this.....I wonder if heíll be so hopped up when I produce naked pictures of his daughter?

-David Flair showed up with a tire iron...Kimberly ran away and Asya kicked some 19 year old loser butt.

-David got a few shots in....but the Revolution showed up and chased him away.

-Backstage, Sting was presented with some Roses from Lex Luger....Sting called Lex a fag and denied the flowers. Instead, he promised to knock Lexís teeth down his throat.

-Lex and Elizabeth make alternative plans.

-Goldberg is still there....Tony could have SWORN GB would be busy dying for our sins (AGAIN) by now.


-David chased Kimberly out of the building. He would have followed but Little Rock has those gangs I mentioned earlier...dem Homies may be white, but they ainít playiní with dat bleach head sheeeit.

-Scott Hall came out with his Nashyness. Tony pushed all the upcoming Nitroís that wonít sell out.

-Chris Benoit came out.....surveyed the odds.....made the calculations....

-and called out Bret Hart...who came out to buddy up with him. ITíS CANADA VS AMERICA!!!! MY GOD!!! IT WONíT EVEN BE A CONTEST!!!!!

-They lock up...Benoit drags the arm a few times.

-Hall offered up a Test of Strength.....and poked Benjy in the eye!!! (SWEET LAND OF LIIIIBERTY...OF THEE I SEEEEEEEEEEEE)

-Tony, "It has been a Nitro, for the last month Brain, like we have NEVER witnessed before." See...THIS is why Tony is the premier Announcer....Ross is so stupid..he actually plurals his words...Fat beerstard!


-Hall chops Benoit in the chest...Benoit turns around and returns the favor....many times.

-Hall goes for the cover after Nash gets involved....Benoit kicks out. Hart swings around..but does nothing...coward.

-It spills outside....Nash gets heavily involved....Hart shows up...Nash ends up being shoved into the railing. No Physics Law on this planet would have allowed this...but it happened anyway.

-Meanwhile, Sid ran out and powerbombed Hall...which set up Benoit for the Flying Headbutt

-Nash climbed to the apron...Benoit knocked him down...hall got up and put on a Foreign Object....he swung....Benoit caught it and put Hall in the Crossface...Hall tapped...Benoit got the win. Good match, top notch...Pay Per View quality. America takes a loss....expect more of this if Gore gets into office.

-Goldberg is watching RAW during all this......OUR GOD PREFERS RAW!!!!!!!!! YOU MUST OBEY HIM OR SUFFER AN ETERNITY BURNING IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!


-Line em upenay talked to Buff Bagwell....screw the Powers that Be...heís gonna shoot from here on in.

-The Filthy Animals come to the ring. Torrie is on Kidmanís arm. Just like with David....Torrie seems about as attracted to Kidman as Richard Simmons is to women.

-Bret Hart comes out. Looking like thisíll take two seconds.

-Rey Mysterio joins the announce team. He said nothing of note.

-According to Tony, and this is REAL INSIDE STUFF (why hasnít Ryder hopped all over this?), the Filthy Animals are REALLY wild party machines whoís day officially begins at midnight.......which makes no sense...because with that logic, SHOULDNíT THEY BE SLEEPING NOW????????????

-Hart catapulted Kidman over the top rope in a nice spot.

-Hall and Nash came out and tried to get into Torrieís snatch......the Filthy Animals rushed to her aid....Hall and Nash beat the crap out of them....they might not be able to take down a pair of Canucks....BUT THEY STILL CAN MAKE ANY MEXICAN THEIR BEEOYTCH!!!!!!!!!!!

-Hart put Kidman in the Sharpshooter and won the whole thing. Everyone said this match would rock.....IT DIDNíT!!!!!

-Donít sweat it though...Hall/Benoit & Goldberg/Hennig MORE than made up for it.


-Backstage, Lex and Liz snag some Brownies

-Backstage, Black and Tanay talked to Jeff Jarrett.....even though he ainít Keanu....and this ainít the Matrix...he is STILL the Chosen One

-Buff Bagwell came to the ring.

-Jeff Jarrett came out...I like his new theme music.

-It took precious little time for Creative Control to come out.

-It took precious little time for Creative Control to get involved.

-It took precious little time for the Ref to start tying his shoes.

-It took a bit more time than what could legally be called precious for Bagwell to try to hit Jarrett with the Guitar, but instead hit one of the bald guys..then Jarrett used his Reverse Russian Legsweep and score the pin. Tony said that the Legsweep was called the
"Stroke"......(Why the Devil didnít they call it "The Emotion in Motion"? Or am I totally F-ing up my Billy Squier tunes?)

-Then again...why, by all that is F-ING Holy am I thinking of Billy Squier?

-You waited three days for this...a WEEK and three days.

-Everybody beat up Bagwell....

-Then Dustin Rhodes ran in and cleaned house.....Tony screamed, "ITíS A NEW BEGINNING FOR DUSTIN RHODES!!!!!!!!!"

-Let me talk about Dustin for a second......naah...you know what..Iíll save this for NEXT week. Gotta leave a LITTLE something hanging.

-Nash is still there..wondering if this will be the match where he actually BENDS his knee.


-Goldberg headbutted a Surge machine and a can rolled out....then he went to Arnoldís to help Joanie show that snobby Charlene Tilton that she ainít all that on the dance floor....even after pushing his Bike ten miles uphill to the Garage....DAMMIT JOANIE!!!! YOU SNOTTY LITTLE BIM......GOLDBERG CANíT DANCE ALL NIGHT!!! HE JUST CANíT!!! YOWZA....YOWZA.....NO YOWZA..JUST A CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!

-Of course..Goldberg won with a last minute two step known as..."The Kasakee"...I think...I slept through Jewish Appreciation class..so I wouldnít know.

-Lex and Liz shoved Ex-Lax in those Brownies. FOR GODíS SAKES...KEEP SID AWAY FROM THAT!!!!!! WE DONíT NEED A REPEAT OF WRESTLEMANIA!!!!


-Yukon Janay talked to the members of the Revolution...it was pre-taped, so you KNOW it HAD to be very important to hear. Iím sure Zimmerman has every syllable transcribed.

-Saturn made Dean Malenko jump up and down. He did so by going behind him and giving him a bit of a skewering...Hell, Iím 1500 miles away and I jumped.

-Hacksaw Jim Duggan shanghaied those Brownies and started to plow them in his mouth...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


-The cage was dropped as the Revolution came out....Tony recapped the Ex-Lax saga and said that "We have been following this story like everyone else has"...there he goes again....THERE HE GOES AGAIN!!!!!!!

-This is a "House of Pain" match....which meant that the loser is the team that gets all four limbs shackled to the cage....unless itís Saturn, then he also gets the "Penile Cuffs"...which is probably for the better.

-As the Filthy Animals come out...Shane Douglas takes a seat with the Announcers. Shane says that the Revolution created this type of match just so they can get the Filthy Animals out of wrestling FOREVER!!!...Either Heenan or Schiavone sarcastically quipped, "NOOOOO"...(Has "being loose" ever seemed so forced?)

-Douglas took a shot at Tony...Tony, now with this new A-Hole personality...shot back, "Yeah, youíre like every other mark on the Internet who thinks he can announce this thing!" (I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THIS MOMENT PEOPLE..ITíS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!)

-Itís Saturn and Malenko vs Guerrero and Konan.

-Within minutes...Guerreroís hand was cuffed.

-Konan fought the two men gamely

-Konan did the rollover clothesline......looked horribly fake.

-Spike Piledriver aced out K-Mutt

-Eddie was fully shackled.

-So was Konan

-Douglas and Asya stepped in and the beatdown began.

-Rey Mysterio ran in and tried to clean house...but Asya took him out with a MONSTER CLOTHESLINE...(I like this chick)

-Rey was eventually strung up by his leg in the middle of the ring...then they beat the crap out of it. Rey has had more knee injuries that Austin. That thingíll be totally plastic before he dies.


-footage of what just happened....they should have had the cage raised with Rey still attached...that would have RULED!

-Lex Luger came out with Elizabeth.....DOES THIS SHOW EVER END?????????

-Stink came out...you heard me right...I heard he does nothing but Fart....PEEEYOU!!!!

-Luger automatically starts whining about his knee...yíknow, I sort of like this weasel Lex.

-Sting goes right to work on the knee...

-They end up around the Announcers....Luger starts pleading his case to Heenan....Tony was ignored....EVERYBODY HATES HIM!!!!!!!

-Luger tries to fight, but itís mostly Stinko

-The Ref goes down...Sting puts on the Sharpshooter...

-Liz maces him...Lex puts on the Torture Rack....Meng comes in and gives him the Tongon Death Grip....Lex goes down...Meng rolls Sting on top of him...Sting wins.

-Iíd say more...but like I ALWAYS say....3 hours is much too long.

-In the bathroom, Hacksaw Jim Duggan reels from the Ex-Lax he just ate.....he comes out without a shirt on......I am happy to say that this segment made nothing happen in my pants...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


-Goldberg is walking.

-Sid comes out.

-Nash comes out.

-They start fighting in the walkway

-Sid gets bounced over the guard rail.

-Sid gets back over and works on Nash.

-Nash gives his leg and simulates a knee lift...I heard him yell, "DAMN!!! Maybe next time!"

-It gets in the ring...Nash has Sid in the corner.

-They start fighting on the Announce table. Tony fears for his life.

-Tony insists that these are "THE two biggest men in wrestling"......F-TBS

-Sidís in the ring and owning it.

-Lots of legdrops.

-I havenít seen Nash this dominated since Patterson gave Diesel a taste of the "Unleaded"

-Hall ran in...Tony announced that this was an "Anything Goes Match"

-Goldberg runs in and Spears the two.

-Sid and GB go at it.

-Bret runs in and deals with Sid.

-The show ends with two men in the ring who had nothing to do with this match.

-I really want to give it to RAW...if only because of that A-Hole......

I canít.

RAW was weak....they seem off. If they donít get their act back together....those ratings spikes will be a LOT more frequent.

Nitro wins...hands down. Not even Tony could ruin it.

Speaking of which....Iíve been screaming about this all column long.....now itís time for us to act.

Okay, during my self imposed week off...I received this letter from Tim Devine:

"Tim, Believe it our not, I enjoyed your review of the 11/1 Nitro . You are a very entertaining writer. But please keep any reference to my daughter out of anything you write. I realize you probably don't give a sh** about my family, and, realistically, who would, but somethings kind of hit close to home. Thanks TSCHIAVONE"

Now, whether he just sent a portion of my Mop-Up to Tony or not...it doesnít matter....what matters is that....


We got his address. And we know he reads his e-mails.

See where Iím going?


Yíknow...Iíve been ranting and raving and promising all sorts of UnHoly acts in exchange for his beating......

NOBODY complained.....EVERYBODY agreed.

Al Isaacs....who wouldnít talk bad about Satan Himself if he came up from Hell and kidnapped his wife.....was ripped at Schiavone..and made it known. Even the FIERCEST WCW Loyalist hates this guy....I have NEVER received a letter praising him. I have screamed and screamed about how he ruins Nitro every week...he doesnít give a crap...he doesnít even TRY to improve himself

Feel like letting him know how you REALLY feel? Or would you rather let him ASSUME he knows what we feel...what we want?

Ryder NEVER defended this guy...not once.

Want more reasons? No problem....

1) "Mick Foley?? Thatíll put butts in the seats...WHOA!!!!"
2) Oh no...he REALLY LOVES Mick...he was just FORCED! He couldnít have PROTESTED...could he?
3) Remember how NICE Scott Hudson was? Me too.
4) Remember when Heenan used to be the PREMIER Color man? Me too.
5) Remember when Tony used to be a decent announcer? I donít either..it was too long ago
7) You really want to let him get away with calling us "Internet marks" This is what he thinks of us??

Any need to go on? Didnít think so.

There is nothing illegal about this...itís just voicing opinions. Nobody can get in trouble.

The last time I asked you to do this....it was for "Slymm"...heís STILL shaken from that.

This time..itís not some dumb Internet feud.....this is a Man who has almost single handily made NITRO UNWATCHABLE!!!!!!

Flame him out if you want....or be Intellectual. Bring up his daughter if you wish..or speak clearly and wisely...let him know that he IS RUINING THE EXPERIENCE!!!!!!! LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU CANíT STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!! LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CANíT STAND HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

I want him SO shaken that he has no CHOICE but to apologize on air....and if he doesnít next week, then we do it again...and again...and again.

This Closer is one of my most important...because I am asking you...my awesome readers who put up with so much of my crap......to FINALLY try to change the one thing thatís keeping Nitro from being VERY good.

WWF Fans....go to it...he peed on Jim Ross. WCW Fans...think of how good Nitro would be without him...or at least an improved Tony.

They laugh at us...they think "listening to the Internet" means listening to WCW Live and their 50 listeners. They scoff at the power of the ĎNet.

Time to change that....

Letís make him DREAD the Internet

You donít even have to mention my name...I donít care...itís not about that.

Itís about respect.....respect for the viewers who will NOT be treated like a bunch of 6 year olds anymore.

Flame him.....or converse with him rationally

Flood him.

And send me the letters you sent.

Because WE are the REAL Powers that Be

Time to teach them that.


This is Hyatte