Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Still running Dammit...11/19/98 Mop-Up Nitro You're name is Eric Bischoff. Your television show used to completely dominate the Monday night ratings. You used to go on Prodigy and brag about how Vince McMahon has "lost the pulse of the audience" (I will NEVER forget that quote for as long as I live). You had all the talent and even more people were coming in from up North. You just snagged Bret Hart. You even claimed that Steve Austin would barely qualify as a mid carder in your company. You were on an incredible winning streak. Then, all of the sudden....it fell apart! Oh sure, you still fill stadiums. You are looking to clear $200 MILLION dead Presidents (as well as a few Alex Hamiltons and Ben Franklins) this year alone. But the TV ratings on Monday nights.....oh Lord....those TV ratings are crashing out harder than the new "improved" ScoopThis.com (so much for THAT comeback). Even LOOONG stretches of air time for you can't seem to turn things around for your premiere show. The WWF is one day removed from one of it's BIGGEST PPVs EVER and RAW is LIVE tonight as well. To make matters worse..."Hogan for President" has been met with reviews that made "The NWO Nightcap with Eric Bischoff" look like "Seinfeld"......What do you do? What do you do? The answer of course is...... not a damn thing because this WWF streak is a fluke....with Hogan on your side, the people will ALWAYS come back to Nitro. Screw thoughtful, complex angles.....we'll just get EVERYBODY segregated into groups, give them a name that is a takeoff of the NWO, market the crap out of the T-shirts, and bring back Piper for refreshingly dated 80's ironic humor. Plus, we'll keep showing our PPV main events every Monday after the show at the 9 o'clock hour...NOT FOR RATINGS!!!!, but because WE CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! god Bless Nitro and GOD BLESS ERIC BISCHOFF!!!!! He'll tell us what to do! Oh yeah, and more airtime for Eric...just because the fans deserve it. Nitro: (or Bam Bam....BamBamBam) -Opens with the Nitro Girls in the ring....because their Q rating is SKY HIGH!!!! Tony brings us all up to speed....it's Nitro, it's TNT, it's the best wrestlers in the cosmos, there was no PPV last night that we should be aware of, all's right with the world, the Universal order begins and ends right here, and it's 3 hours of the finest television we imbeciles will ever bear witness too. -They are in Wichita, Kansas.....the Kansas Coliseum is where this hoot~n~nanny will take place. -First hour fireworks go off, Tony reminds us that this is 3 hours long....I, for one, am quite glad, because I had already forgotten that. -A motorcade is pulling in....sirens, Limos, Secret Service....since when did Presidential CANDIDATES get the Secret Service treatment? AND WHERE IS CLINT EASTWOOD? -Tony and the boys officially say hello, Larry goes to greet his raving fans. Tony delivers his first LIE of the night by claiming that the wrestling world ignored last night's hack fest of a .....ugh.....pay per view and instead saved their shekels so they can order WORLD WAR 3 THIS SUNDAY AND SEE JUST WHO WILL GET THE NEXT TITLE SHOT AGAINST THE FORCE OF NATURE KNOWN AS......................(pause for dramatic effect)...............GOLDBERG!!!!!!! -Tenay then backs up Tony's lie. 60 men, 3 rings, impossible to watch. yes, WW3 is pretty much the single WORST CONCEIVED MAIN EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS SPORT!!!! -Because THIS is Nitro, and because THIS is TNT, and because THIS is what the fans CRAVE week after week...and because Raw has been raping them prison style for the past few weeks...and because they can't show the WW3 main event until next week....and because they WANTED to show the main event from the Survivor Series, but that no-good Vince McMahon threw a hissy fit (yeah, like Vince wouldn't hand deliver the tape personally if they had asked for it)...and because THE FANS COME FIRST IN THEIR HEARTS!!!!!! (the fan's money comes a distant second)...they open things up with an actual MATCH!!!!! -Juventud Guerrera hopped on out with all the piss and vinegar of a kid gettin' MAD money. He looked directly into the camera and screamed, "WHO'S GONNA GET THE JEWS????" Oh that Nazi/Mexican BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE THE POOR JEWS ALONE!!!!!! HAVEN'T THEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH????????????? Good Lord.....what's his problem anyway? -then Kidman comes out.....since he is Jewish, you know he is MORE THAN READY TO DEFEND HIS FAITH AGAINST THAT GUERRERA DICKHEAD!!!!!! KIDMAN IS BOILING MAD AT THIS LITTLE PRICK!!!!! -and yet, he looked completely bored and disinterested....but underneath, you know he was a SEA OF PURE RAGE!!!!!!! -Kidman also has one of THE coolest theme songs going. Rock on dude. -For some reason, Tenay and Schiavone decided to kiss Larry Zbyszko's ass before they locked up......why did Tenay claim that Larry "saved Nitro?" By beating Bischoff a YEAR ago? -The match began.....the crowd was WAAAY into it. -Back and forth...the some wise acre fans started to chant "GUERrERA SUCK GUERRERA SUCKS"....but those FASCIST WCW rednecks turned down the volume....how DARE they boo the Jew hating JUVEE!!!! -Tony and the boys ignored the hype and called the match as if it was the most important event in the time/space continuum......THIS IS WHAT NITRO IS ALL ABOUT!!!!! THE FINEST WRESTLING FROM THE FINEST WORKERS IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WAS WCW IS ALL ABOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WALL TO WALL ACTION WITHOUT ANY SILLY LITTLE STORYLINE TO WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME!!!!! THIS IS ABOUT WRESTLING GODDAMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Juventud won with the 450 Splash. Kidman handed him the belt and hugged him. I guess Juvee didn't need anyone to "get the Jews".......get the Jews WHEN WILL SOCIETY LEARN FROM THE PAST INSTEAD OF REPEAT IT??????? -Opening theme...because that opener was JUST A PREVIEW OF THINGS TO COME!!!!!!! -commercials -footage from last week when Momma Bagwell took her son down with a weak ass slap. -Wrath came out, looking jealous that Goldberg took all the heat he could have had. -Raven comes out with Kanyon. Raven looks as disenchanted as Kidman did when he came out. Kanyon looked like he was smelling something AWFUL. -In the ring, Raven grabbed the mic and reminded us that his life has been a living Hell and how he has gone this far without pulling a Kurt Cobain is pretty incredible. In short, he wasn't wrestling tonight....f-you. -So Kanyon picked up the mic and said to Raven, "Nobody has had more airtime without wrestling than you!!" (REALLY? What about Hogan? Vincent? Nash?? Warrior?? BISCHOFF???????????) He begged him to wrestle....no soup. -So, Kanyon said that he was going to get his "Bogie time" and wrestle Wrath himself. Raven storms off and he hits the ring. He said that even though he has to wrestle Glacier later that night (God, let it be during RAW), he'll take on this clown now just because WE FANS LOVE KANYON. -He did his thing with the fans, no one cared...Wrath clobbered him and gave him the Meltdown...the fans popped HUGE!!! Wrath didn't pin him though, he just walked off. -Then Glacier came out...to renew his war with Kanyon (Mortis) because it was never settled and BISCHOFF KNOWS HOW MUCH WE LOVED THIS FEUD THE FIRST TIME AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Wrath came back to the ring and gave Glacier the Meltdown. All they needed was Ernest Miller and this would be the single WORST reunion nobody wanted to see. -commercials -make no mistakes about it...Glacier and Kanyon are COMPETITORS!!!!!! THEY WOULD WRESTLE FOR FREE IF THEY HAD TO!!!!!! THE THRILL OF THE CONTEST IS THEIR HEROIN!!!! Thus, they continued their match even though Wrath had already plowed through them. -It was Glacier wrestling.....so I went out and cleaned my gutters. -Nitro Party winner..this week there was two chicks mud (or pudding) wrestling....now THAT'S a winner Dammit -commercials -last week's big waste of air time is replayed to waste some time this week....complete with footage of Hogan visiting Imus in the Morning. notice that even though Hogan did all the talking in the clips, the cameras cut to Eric Bischoff's face the most.....Lord, he is such a mark for himself isn't he? -Hogan campaigned about how he can "inject some real fresh CHANGE into our government"....let's see....taxes are low, Employment is UP, we finally have eliminated our deficit, and things are very fruitfull nowadays....OH YEAH, WE REALLY NEED A CHANGE!!!!! Douchebag. -As far as Imus goes.....Christ, isn't he like the UGLIEST dude on the planet? Actually, I don't mind Imus much, I even enjoy his radio show from time to time....and he is MUCH funnier than Mancow. -WCW may be from the South...but they are NOT a bunch of Rednecks who's idea of amusement is to take a wrestler's race/color/creed and enhance it by sticking on a stereotypical gimmick to it. In other words, an Iranian wrestler will NOT show up dressed as a Terrorist, a French wrestler will NOT be an American hating snob, nor will an African wrestler come out shirtless with plates in his lips and bones in his nose....Today's wrestling is MUCH more sophisticated than that and MUCH more sensitive to the feelings of a people...I applaud WCW with it's maturity. -Out comes Sonny Ono dressed in a "Gi" Karate uniform........sigh -I don't know why he is wrestling (and if you do...then you have some serious problems, man ) but there he is...about to get down with someone. -out comes a Luchador colorfully named "El Gringo".......in case the subtlety of this angle was going over your head. Tenay feigned ignorance at who this clown is....and why he looked like a Japanese guy even under the mask (Mexicans....Japanese....it's all the same to these Hicks). -Kaz Moresushi was El Gringo....if you didn't see that as soon as El Gringo came out..then you really have been smoking too much Ganja, mon.....either that or you are a complete retard. -Ernest Miller found his way into this foolishness. -commercials -The Nitro Girls make us all glad to have a remote within arm's reach. -Stevie Ray and Horace took on Malenko and Mongo. Meanwhile, RAW is just seconds away. -Malenko starts it and educates Horace on just about everything having to do with the sport....being a total Mongoloid though, Horace forgot it all ten seconds later. -Speaking of Mongoloids, when Mongo was tagged in, this exchange went down between Larry and Tony.... -Larry, "The Unpredictable Mongooooo!!" -Tony, "Boy, you said it Larry, Mongo is the most unpredictable man in this sport!!" -LIES!!!! FALSEHOODS!!!! UNTRUTHS!!!!!! Maybe Tony and Larry would like to forget, but you can be assured that I will forever hold onto the burning flame that is the memory of the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Arn knocked out Vincent......Stevie Ray knocked out Mongo...Arn had a tire iron and knocked out everybody...the NWO won on DQ. -Dillenger showed up and asked for the tire iron...Arn looked shocked, "What tire iron?" Before the Black Prynce could yank out Arn's eternal soul and crucify it in front of millions!!!!! Thus setting the stage for the final Harvest of the UnHoly Seedlings.....lucky for us....Tony was wise enough to bathe in Holy water and send us off to say our prayers and enjoy these very sponsored.... -commercials -Second hour fireworks explode as Tony informs us that Arn has been escorted out of the building...and Mongo is on route to the hospital because he forgot how to pee and now he had a NASTY urinary infection. -Mean Gene brings out Ric Flair to wage battle with RAW.....so Flair came out. -In the ring, Flair got things going (Starrcade is JUST around the corner you know) by calling Bischoff, Eric "No guts. no gonads" Bischoff......Heeeeeyy...that's dirty!! I'm Goddam f*cking offended for Chrissakes!! I'm going to write a mother f**ing c**k s**king letter to Goddam WCW and complain to the dickheads about their f**k facing language!!!! -Flair was just on his way to the poky to bail Anderson out before Z Smooth could get his paws on that half numb ass ........................... -.................................................. -.......................................... -............................oh, sorry...I was just trying to figure out why on Earth I used the name "Z Smooth"? Who or WHAT is a. "Z Smooth"? -Anywhoo...before he left to get AA, he wanted to talk to the fans about "Tradition, reality, and life".....(3 words that have absolutely NO business being in the same sentence with pro wrestling).....then he went into another thing about how Bischoff has no penis at all.... -The gyst is that he manage to scrape together a few bucks (I guess Reed will go without braces for about 10 more years) and bring in one of the greatest wrestlers alive who also just happened to be a Horsemen of yesteryear.....than screamed, "BARRY WINDHAM, COME ON OUT HERE!!!" -Both Gene and Tony popped a boner at the same time!!! -Out comes Barry (Bee Doubleya) Windham.......all smiles and still blonde.....(he's also chubby too...but not as bad as Hawk......yet). -Windham hits the ring and announces a few things... A: He is NOT a "stalker" B: He never lost the NWA Heavyweight championship C: Vince is a pussy. D: "Tradition Rules" WILL catch on, dammit. E: And he will NEVER grow a mustache again -He also said that he was here to stay.... -Then Bischoff came out (RAW is on, time for me to get out there and get those ratings!!) and said that Flair really can't hire people for WCW...that's McMahon's job. Flair said that Windham is going to bang that 40 year old piece of ass who's name is Elizabeth. -and that's how Barry Windham made his return to WCW....anyone ELSE think he'll pull a Hennig and humiliate these boys inside of 3 months? -commercials -Eddie Guerrero comes out with his bodyguard "Paco". Rey Mysterio Jr. Comes out to jam with Eddie. Before locking up, Eddie grabbed the mic and said that he needed Rey in the LWO, and he offered a stipulation that if he can beat up the little prick......then he has to join the LWO, but if Eddie loses, then the little prick will never be bothered again. Rey agreed, mostly because "La Familia" already decimated his Guerrilla Troops in the "Last Battle at Jaco Beach" in Costa Rica a few weeks ago and he was REALLY hurting for some new allies...... -so they got it on..it started slowly early on, just warming up.... -Then it heated up nicely..... -....errr...not really. It wasn't bad, but we've seen much better from these two...maybe Rey's injury is still nagging him? -Anywhoo.....right on cue, Eddie's bodyguard "Pedro" distracted the ref as Eddie performed the HORRIBLY ILLEGAL powerbomb on Mysterio....(Why else would he distract him?)....he went for the pin.... -Juventud Guerrera ran in and tried for a Over the ropes legdrop on Eddie...Eddie ducked and Rey was the one who got cranked ("D'OH!!!"........I didn't know Mysterio was Jewish??). Eddie got the pin as Guerrera looked on horrified (and MAYBE a little happy with himself). The LWO hopped in and slipped a LWO shirt on Rey's supple body....Eddie hoisted the still stunned Rey on his shoulders in celebration. -Hey kids, because the WWF can't do ANYTHING without getting ripped off, WCW will be on QVC sometime this week...QVC is THE place to spend gobs of money on stuff that breaks two weeks later.....tell your friends! -commercials -Bobby Heenan joined the fun as Tony announces that Judy Bagwell was in the hospital and will NOT be able to wrestle this Sunday.....(Damn!! That was the best match on the card too!!!!) -Video message from Judy Bagwell, apparently, Steiner did this to her (Did I miss something here? When did this happen?) and she can't understand how Buff allowed it to go on.....then she vowed to never rest until she rids the world of Buff and brings back Marcus....(Oh PLEASE make it happen...because we fans really do miss that VERY heterosexual tag team the "American Males".....) -Heenan was glad that they didn't see the Nurse change her bedpan.....Tony agreed with him...then called Scott Steiner a scum blowing lowlife for assaulting a 55 year old woman....(55?? She told me she was 19!!!) -Scott Putski walked out to take on Chavo Guerrero and that ridiculous Staff of his that is NOTHING like Head.....well, this oughtta suck.... -I guess it did, because they cut backstage awfully fast because... -Okerlund was on the scene as a Cadillac pulled up into the building....(Cadillac??? IT'S THE MOB!!!!! COSA NOSTRA IS INVADING WCW!!!!!!!!! BREAK OUT THE SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS!!!!!!!!!!) -Oh..wait...it's none other than Bam Bam Bigelow!!!!!!!! Who apparently owns exactly one outfit!!!! Bigelow storms out and takes out Dillenger (WHAT!!!!!........I...I......I have nothing to say here...I have been rendered speechless!!) -Bigelow is demanding that Goldberg shows his pussy face...(Oh NO!!! ANOTHER ANTI-SEMITE?????????? DO WE NEED ANOTHER ONE RUNNING AROUND???) -Tony, "IT'S BAM BAM BIGELOW!!!! THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN OUR SPORT!!!!!!!" (When did THAT happen?? Was there an election? HAS SHAMROCK BEEN MADE AWARE OF THIS????) -I thought Savage was the most dangerous man in our sport? -If Bam Bam is the most dangerous...then what does that make Goldust? -Or LT??? -OR SPIKE DUDLEY FOR CHRISSAKES????????? -So..after storming around the back for a little, Bam Bam came out and ran to the ring. -Tony, "FANS, WE HAVE NEVER WITNESSED ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN THE HISTORY OF NITRO BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -NEVER???? ANYTHING?????? What about SCOTT F'K'N HALL YOU STUPID PIECE OF MONKEY SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!! -Anywhoo.....Bam Bam hits the ring and trashes both Putski and Guerrero......YAY!!! -he grabs the mic and screams, "GOLDBERG!!!! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!!!! THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!!! I'M THE BEAST FROM THE EAST!!!!" -Instead of Goldberg, Bischoff and Dillon walk out side by side (y'see, they may HATE each other....they may be on different sides...but when something threatens the ENTIRE COMPANY(!!!) then by God, they will JOIN FORCES and use their combined power to PURGE WCW and the NWO of the threat...wrestling is wrestling..this is REAL LIFE baby!!!! -Bischoff stayed outside as Dillon got in there and told Bigelow that he is not an employee of WCW......then some security climbed in to escort him out... -And since it wouldn't be wise to portray him as a "fraidy cat, Goldberg stomped out side by side with Dillenger....he runs into the ring.... -a squadron of WCW security holds the two back...Bischoff is in there because he can beat ANYBODY.....lucky for the wrestlers, he chose just to shout orders. -Tenay re-iterated that Bigelow was THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN TO EVER STEP INTO A WRESTLING RING IN THIS, OR ANY OTHER DIMENSION!!!!! (Except for Earth 3...where Superman is Ultra-Man, Batman is Owl Man, and Lex Luthor is a HERO!!!! Bam Bam wouldn't last two seconds in Earth 3, BIG DADDY!!!!!) -Bischoff demanded that Dillon come talk to him backstage.....Tony played Taps. -commercials -Backstage, Bischoff fired Dillon, but Dillon turned around and quit. Kirell has it all wrong (as usual)...Bischoff isn't the greatest HEEL of all time.....he hasn't the first CLUE on how to be a heel. He really, really WANTS to be a heel....he really, really WANTS to be accepted as a threat.....he really really WANTS to be taken seriously...and he's so obvious about it.....he's not a heel, he's an asshole who does everything for himself. -footage of what just happened, because they are POSITIVE that it won the ratings period..so why not make sure they win the next 15 minutes! -commercials -Perry Saturn fought Konnan! The LWO made sure that neither man had to do the job...that is all the attention I'm giving this. -a brief thing backstage with Okerlund and Bischoff....Bischoff said that Bam Bam does NOT work for WCW and will NOT be allowed to walk into WCW and demand a match with Goldberg... -So, Goldberg comes out and tells Bischoff that he wants Bigelow tonight.....Bischoff tried to argue, but Goldberg grabbed his face and said that this wasn't a request.....the match was made official.....I think. -Tony apologized for not calling the match due to the arrival of Bam Bam Bigelow........he also said, "This...this...this is unbelievable!!! This week's Nitro is INCREDIBLE!!! It's UNSTOPPABLE!!!! We've got Bam Bam Bigelow against Goldberg TONIGHT!!!! I truly mean it when I say fans that we are smack dab in the middle of possibly the BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chris Hyatte
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