Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The final stretch.....thank God...11/19/98 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -The Third Hour arrives......Allah be praised -Tony felt the need to clarify things by saying, "We've had people walk into the ring unannounced before, fans! Since you ALL have been watching every single second of this program since we first came on the air, you know that to be true! But there has NEVER been a time when a wrestler just drove up in his car, got out, tore through the backstage, came into the ring, and DEMANDED that the World Champ come out!!!!" -Tony continued to sell this nonsense, "Fans, there are skilled wrestlers all around the world, except for those losers over on USA. But there is NO DOUBT in ANYONE'S mind, that the most DANGEROUS, DEADLIEST HUMAN MACHINE OF MINDLESS DESTRUCTION AND SINGLE MINDED FURY just happens to be the man known as BAM BAM BIGELOW!!!!!" -didn't he say the same thing about Brian Adams 9 months ago? -The Nitro Girls are nice enough to let us go take a pee. -video thingy dealing with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash -commercials -Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell come on out with their very own Bill Alphonso (NOTHING IS SACRED WITH THISE HILLBILLIES!!!!!!) who is now their official Referee. -Bagwell had the mic and said that they don't like Wichita for cheap heat. Then announced that they had bought there own Referee, and this guy knows EXACTLY how to count to three.... -then he had the ref do a sample 3 count.....by God, he actually pulled it off -Then Steiner grabbed the mic and began a rather longish lecture about how he is packing more heat between his legs than that impotent homo Val Venis...he got pretty raunchy too....ESPECIALLY for TNT.....I give it anywhere from a week to a month before TNT Executives give Bischoff a reaming for allowing children to hear such content. -Since Buff was nice enough to let Steiner beat up his Mother......Steiner thought that he would return the favor and.... -He brought our his Mother. After all three hugged, Steiner said, "Go get her!" and Buff attacked her.....Tony was so sickened that he only reminded us that Bam Bam Bigelow was in the building twice.. -Rick Steiner ran in and chased them off.......because WCW fans are on the same intellectual level as Tree Sloths, he had to take his "Mother's" wig off to show us that it was really a man there (Hey!!! You not my Mom!!!!). He also yanked off his/her blouse to show a stuffed bra.... -Heenan cracked me up by saying, "Not bad!! Tony, give me a dollar!!" -Buff and Steiner protest Rick ruining their segment, Rick dared them to come on in..... -Scott Norton attacked behind from behind and the segment ended with all three guys beating on the fat bastard. -commercials -They replayed the backstage thing where Goldberg made Bischoff give him Bigelow tonight. -You know, I've been thinking about it....and maybe I was too hard on WCW before when I poked fun at how they slap generic stereotypes on wrestlers who come from a very distinctive place......okay, so that Sonny Ono thing was rather tacky of them, but for the most part, they are pretty good with things like this..so if you will, allow me to please repeat a previous statement... -WCW may be from the South...but they are NOT a bunch of Rednecks who's idea of amusement is to take a wrestler's race/color/creed and enhance it by sticking on a stereotypical gimmick to it. In other words, an Iranian wrestler will NOT show up dressed as a Terrorist, a French wrestler will NOT be an American hating snob, nor will an African wrestler come out shirtless with plates in his lips and bones in his nose....Today's wrestling is MUCH more sophisticated than that and MUCH more sensitive to the feelings of a people...I applaud WCW with it's maturity. -and this time...I MEAN it!!!! -Bobby Duncum Jr. came out and made his WCW debut...he is dressed as a cowboy.............(I need a drink so very, very badly) -Jericho came out with Bob Ryder there to watch his back.....(remember, Bob is NOT biased). They hit the ring and it's on... -And it's off after a few minutes of Jericho doing his damnedest to put Duncum Jr. over as a legit athlete...and wouldn't ya' know it? He did! He allowed himself to be tossed around a little, and even had his attempted Lion Tamer by kicked out of. When he felt he did enough...he simply grabbed his belt and walked away. And WCW now has ANOTHER wrestler to get lost in the shuffle...bully for them... -Meanwhile, Bob Ryder had left to fill out another "Notes from Bob" column. This one is a pretty good one....it's about how the WWF is really struggling with a low talent pool. -commercials -Another go round of Hulk for Prez thing. Even though Hogan is NWO SCUM WHO SHOULD BE IN JAIL NEXT TO RAPISTS, PEDOFILES, MURDERERS, BANK ROBBERS, AND OTHER FORMS OF HUMAN EXCREMENT FOR THE NEXT 25 YEARS FOR THE CRIME OF TRYING TO RUIN THE LEGACY AND THE IMAGE OF THE MIGHTY WCW.....Tony still REALLY thinks he would make a great President. -Hogan campaigned, and even brought out a Monica Lewinsky look-a-like -After this crap was wrapped, Hogan brought out Eric Bischoff and told him not to worry about Goldberg, because he will take care of him in the very near future. -Then Scott Hall came out for no other reason than to ask Bischoff why he cares more about Goldberg than for the NWO..... -Bischoff told him to mind his own damn business.....and that they can talk later if he really wants to.. -Hall said he wanted to talk now... -Bischoff told him to go f-himself -Hall punched Bischoff...Bischoff fell down in that specialwayhehasthattookhimweeksandweeksofintensetrainingandpracticetoperfectbecauseverymajorsuperstarneedsthereownspecialstyleoffallingdownandBischoffismostdefinitelytheverydefinitionofamajorsuperstarandbythewayIhumpedseanshannonsmommatheothernightinherbooty he has. The one where he tilts his head back, pauses for a beat or two, then falls to the ground. -This made Hogan attack Hall, because Vince would never take him back, so he has to protect his assets. -Nash ran in and chased Hogan away....he stared at Hall for a while, then said something. Tony was so excited that he officially rented his underwear out to Hershey's Chocolate. -commercials -The Nitro Girls know how to keep the Third Hour dragging away endlessly -Turns out that Nash said to Hall, "I'll see you in Detroit!".....we were lucky enough to be shown it again. -Bret Hart took on Chris Benoit.....it was an absolutely splendid jam.......you could tell that these two have had a LOT of practice time in Stu Hart's dungeon.... -Tony called this the most "Mind Boggling Nitro EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".....then called us all idiots for watching RAW for even a split second. -At one point, Hart tried to swing a chair at Benoit...Benoit PUNCHED the chair into Hart's face, then blew a couple of snot rockets on him....pretty cool..would have been cooler if Rocky Maivia didn't pull the exact same trick either tonight or on Sunday on someone. -Hart used a chair, Malenko made the save, Hart attacked when his back was turned, DDP made the save and chased him away for good, then Page had the mic and called everyone who ever worked in the WWF "scum". That was it for the most part.....except for a challenge to a match for Sunday. -Pretty great match all around I must say.....right up there with the best of what RAW has been doing lately. -commercials -Bam Bam Bigelow comes out...no theme music because he is not getting paid for this -Goldberg is led out by the cops...... -He makes his way to the ring...this being Kansas...he spots a farmer on the side with a big cow....(No, a REAL cow...not some chick). Goldberg walks over and asks why is the cow here. The Farmer spat out a wad of tobaccee juice and said that Bessie is suffering from Mad Cow Disease and if they don't git her fixed up, the bank is gonna be foreclosin' on the ranch. Goldberg smiled gently, patted the Framer on his shoulder (and accidentally cleared up all the Arthritis he had on his whole arm) told him not to worry, and laid a big paw on the cow's head. The facial ticks erupted, a warm glow seemed to come from WITHIN him...and both Goldberg and the cow began to shake..... -Moments later, the glow subsided and Goldberg took his hand off.....the Cow's eyes cleared up and it mooed happily. The Farmer started to weep.....Tony started to wail, "HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!!!!!!! GOLDBERG HAS HEALED THE COW AND SAVED THE POOR OLD MAN'S FARM!!!!! IT'S ANOTHER MIRACLE FROM GOLDBERG!!!!! ALL PRAISE THE NEW MESSIAH!!!! ALL PRAISE OUR NEW GOD!!!!!!! ALL PRAISE OUR HERO!!!! GOLDBERG!!!!!!!!!!!!" -The Cow quickly turned around, raised it's tail, a dumped a load of crap all over Goldberg's chest!!! Goldberg kicked the cow so hard in the titties that milk exploded and covered half the building. One nearby child took a mouthfull of the stuff and began to have a seizure. Goldberg then grabbed the Old Farmer, who laughed when the cow shat all over the Golden Boy, and shoved his head so far up the cow's ass that the cow was puking up his dentures......it isn't nice to fool with the All Father Hebrew. -That's MORE than enough material for one week....I'm flying through the rest... -Bigelow attacked Goldberg after that cow business and they fought in the back at the arena.....back and forth, forth and back...... -They never made it to the ring..security charged after about half a minute...Tony screamed (and he REALLY doesn't do this as often as some claim he does) "FANS, WE ARE REALLY OUT OF TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!" Heenan BEGGED him to stay on the air.....but alas, the show ended. It wasn't even all that bad. I'm not saying I outright LOVED it fully...but I wasn't running for the remote or the fast forward button much. It kept me interested. I liked both shows really......so let's be nice and call it a tie for the week...why not? Before I wrap things up I want to explain something to you. I realize that I have been badly late with this thing for the past few weeks. It is not my intention to put this thing out on Thursdays, but lately..there have been some things that have demanded my attention moreso than this column....basically, I haven't had the time to do half the column on Mondays and the other half on Tuesdays..and it's pretty tough to dedicate 8-12 hours in one shot on Tuesdays to do it. I don't expect this to last and I fully hope to get this thing out within a reasonable amount of time as per usual every week. It doesn't work out as I hope sometimes, but I promise you..I AM TRYING. Contrary to what some may think...I am not egotistical enough to think I can get away with posting a recap three days after the fact and think it is acceptable. Got that? Good, now allow me to slip back into full "Hyatte" mode and take this puppy home. Closer time. I get a lot of stuff from you folks. Lots of "funny" web sites to check out...lots of forwarded joke services, lots of top ten lists. Usually, I delete them right after reading through them once, especially if I see that I am part of a list of people who received it.....but this time, I HAD to post it.....because it cracked me up. I don't know if it was a magazine where this came from, or a web site, or if it came from someone's imagination....nor do I know if you have all seen this before....but it's worth taking the chance and posting it. It's from some guy named Sean Saunders who can be found at MTP:ssaunders@reimelcarter.com, but it was SENT to me be longtime Mop-Up reader S. Melendez, who has been there with me since the beginning. Thanks to them for this....and my apologies if I'm infringing on some copyright.......especially to the Letterman people. (NOTE: Even though I DID edit the language...the content is a bit strong..even for me....) TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WERE A WOMAN FOR A DAY: 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 09. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 08. See if they could finally do the splits. 07. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 06. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 05. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time. 04. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 03. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 02. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too... 01. Finally find that damned G-spot. TOP TEN THINGS A WOMAN WOULD DO IF THEY WERE A MAN FOR A DAY 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 09. Get a blow job. 08. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 07. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 06. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 05. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 04. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 03. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 02. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes 2 inches to be added to the final measurement. 01. Repeat number 9 I'm sure this was yanked out of one of those Men's Magazine's (Maxam, Bikini, Gear) that are all the rage nowadays, but I only buy TV Guide and EW...so I wouldn't know. All I know is that it made me laugh so hard I had brown streaks on my sweat pants (I haven't worn underwear in years....it's the ONLY way to go kids....I have FREE RANGE Cajones....lots of breathing room). That's it for this week. Next week....oh I don't know...a little of this, a little of that....most of it crap, most of it silly, most of it recycled....doesn't matter...because you'll ALL be back. Hell, next week I'll post this on SATURDAY!!!!! You'll still flock to it......BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Christ All Mighty....looks like it's time for me to hit the Nightclubs again and find some scrag to shag rotten. Or maybe it's time to find a nice woman to settle down with for a while (one who doesn't live in Georgia and who is always blowing me off). Someone to talk to, to relate to, someone to cook for, dine with, watch a video with. A kindred spirit you likes me for ME!! A soulmate who understands me....who appreciates me....someone who I can write POETRY to. Someone who.....LISTENS. Or..maybe I'll just slice off my nuts with a butcher's knife and avoid the middle man.....for God's sakes. I'm sticking with the sluts... This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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