Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And we are off and running...11/19/98 Mop-Up RAW "NEVER EVER EVERRRRRRRRRR again do i want to see Pat Patterson tell me to "Suck It!"" Dark Smurf: darksmurf@mmind.net PREACH BROTHAA!! Yo, yo, yo this be the Mop-Up and I be Chris.....and by God, judging from this week's RAW and Sunday's PPV...I may very well be the KING!!!! Jesus, has this been a good week for me or WHAT? Lots of stuff to talk about this week....no rushing through anything this time around. Hell, I'll even toss in a closer that won't seem slapped together at the last second....just for you! Let's get into it. The Survivor Series. Quite frankly, I think the Survivor Series was THE most BRILLIANTLY written PPV I have ever witnessed! Absolutely ingenious! Until now, I thought the night Hogan turned heel and joined Hall and Nash to form the NWO two years ago in Florida was the single most mind blowing head f*ck wrestling ever pulled on it's fans.....then this came around. Think about it...EVERTHING was handled flawlessly with this storyline, from the weeks before the show to the actual show itself. The slow rise of the Rock from nasty heel leader of the Nation to a fan favorite babyface (Was it coincidence that the fans started to cheer for him at Summerslam? Or that the "People's Elbow" caught on?). The inclusion of the Big Bossman, having him lose to the Rock in 4 seconds AND having him "inadvertently" wreck Shamrock's chances in the semi round was handled perfectly. Still fresh from WCW where his "crusade" to stop the NWO was a joke and he ended up jobbing out to anyone on two legs, having the Bossman get cradled up by Maivia so fast seemed so natural didn't it? How about Foley? Making SURE that Mankind made it to the finals not because Vince wanted him as "Corporate Champ", but because Vince knew that Mankind would be the easiest main event wrestler to orchestrate the Rock's victory. Okay, Shane McMahon was a gimmee....probably the most obvious swerve tactic in there, but even HE was smartly used. Shane served the single purpose of getting Austin eliminated out of the tourney, and he did so very nicely. It all worked here kids. All of it. The story structure here goes BEYOND what we are used to from our wrestling angles. This is scriptwriting at it's finest....I don't know if Vince brought in some Professional Hollywood writers or what...but right now, the WWF is in a Creative Stride that I have NEVER, EVER seen before. They are cooking on all four burners and kicking some serious ass. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if we see a whole rash of WCWers head for Titan when their contracts come up. I mean, if you are a big time Pro wrestler....wouldn't YOU want to be a part of this? I didn't even mention the signs. A HUGE thanks to whoever brought the sign that read READ THE MOP-UP on one side and WHERE IS JOHNNY RODZ? on the other. The BEST part about seeing signs like that (and kudos for Hades Wrestling.com for getting a sign on air too.....I don't really know their site, but I have heard of it and from all reports, it isn't that bad at all). Whenever a sign with my name shows up...I can think of at least oh..10-15 web guys (and one joke of a web guy who is fat, can't speak, and still lives with mommy and daddy) who saw this and screamed, "AW CRAP!!!! NOT THIS FU&%$#@ GUY AGAIN!!!!" Then they go on their web sites and write "Who is Hyatte? Never heard of him." They are ALL my little bitches.....HA! But really....whenever you post a sign with my name on it..you aren't just pleasing me all to Hell....you are also pissing off just about EVERYBODY ELSE!!! You have the power folks...use it wisely.....but also, use it OFTEN!!!!!! Let's piss them ALL off!!!!!!! So, to wrap the SS talk up, while the storyline was incredible, the wrestling was iffy. The quickness of the matches played out like a 3 hour RAW for the most part, UT and Kane is getting as tired as the phrase MY GOD THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING. The Tag match was filled with miscues and sloppy work, and I think the Women's match was there just so Sable could Powerbomb Mero on the ring floor. Not the WWF's finest hour in terms of pure wrestling (they should have saved the Rock's "People's Elbow" for the very last match.....which would have brought the house down....then to have him hug Vince 2 minutes later which would have REALLY destroyed the crowd), but still, an excellent show. And now, Austin is the BIG face...Maivia is the BIG heel...both men can enjoy MEGA stardom without getting into each other's way. The only loser here really is the Undertaker, who is still dealing with Kane as these guys surpass him. Poor guy...poor dead guy. Bob Ryder called the Survivor Series a sign of desperation for a company with very little talent. Remember, Bob can be heard Saturdays on the NWO hotline for WCW AND is doing some sort of Web post game show for World War 3 minutes after the show ends...but he is NOT BIASED!!!!! It's his opinion and he's welcome to it, but if Herb Kunz was the one saying....you'd see ALL the fu&^%$# hypocritical douchebags out there (you know who I am talking about) raise bloody Hell and scream about what an idiot Kunz is. Hypocracy!!!! Morons!!!! Douchebags!!!! C-Suckers!!!!!! Tis a Kingdom of Idiots that is this Net.....No wonder I rule it so easily. FINALLY......I think we are fast reaching the point where we can no longer say that the WWF has a low talent base.....too many young stars are growing up fast. I mean, just because WCW has MORE talent, it doesn't mean that the WWF is exactly SHALLOW anymore! Besides, there is still a 50/50 shot that the Giant is coming in......Triple H is still mending away nicely, Bad Ass is getting ready to break out HUGE, his brother Bart will get his shot too. Dr. Death Steve Williams will probably have a very hot In Your House feud with Austin, the Bulldog is coming back, and then there is that HBK guy. Things are looking VERY nice for the WWF right now.....very nice indeed. I have more to say, but it'll keep "til later. Now, let's get cranking. Lots and lots of stuff to take a look at...lots and lots of jokes to be made a people's expense. Time for the souped up version of the Bible that the French like to call, "Le recap", but the rest of us call... "pure crap". Ready Freddie? Good! Because love is in the air and Patterson has brought the handcuffs....by God, it's time to DO IT!!!! RAW IS WAR: (or SOMEBODY IN TITAN IS READING THIS FRIGGIN' COLUMN!!!) -Jeeze....think I'm just being cocky? Check this sh*t out... -opens with that moment at Survivor Series when Shane McMahon refused to make the three count on Austin....I said it during the SS recap and I'll say it now....Austin looked like Pillman just walked into the ring and said "Howdy"! -Uh oh..we got us a brand new.... -opening theme -I wonder how long it'll last before most of the men shown in this one leaves the company for WCW? lots of Shawn Michaels shots...for you kids who read into EVERYTHING. -A VERY hot crowd welcomes us to Lexington, Kentucky. -A VERY sweaty Jim Ross pipes in his salutations as.... -The (now billed) ownerS of the World Wrestling Federation come marching out. With the Bossman, Slaughter, Brisco, and of course, the ever cuddly Patrick "BraveTuckus" Patterson lead out Vincent K (It's Genetics son, no sense in fighting it) McMahon and Shane (I'm already on Rogain, Pop...anticipation is the key) McMahon. The crowd greets them with displeasure. Ross has no clue how they can look themselves in the mirror after screwing everything that walked last night. -Vince had the mic and sarcastically thanked the folks for their reception. Then went on and congratulated himself and his team for their master planning. -Apparently, a "damn fool" is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the Boss's ass. -ahem....GOD BLESS AL ISAACS AND SCOOPSCENTRAL.COM -actually..they should kiss MY ass....I am the whole F*&%ing show here. KISS MY ASS AL!!!! LET'S GO!!!!! BEND DOWN AND GRAB A MOUTHFUL!!! I'M THE ONE KEEPING THIS DAMN SHIP AFLOAT HERE!!!!!!!! I'M THE ONE WHO KEEPS THEM COMING BACK EVERY WEEK!!!! KIRELL? PLEASE! SPIFFY? HA!!!! FREAKBOY???? DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!!!! I'M THE BOAT THAT YOU ARE ALL SAILING ON!!!!! ME!!! HYATTE!!!! THE ONE WHO'S PECKER YOU SHOULD BE SU(NOTE FROM SCOOPS JUST TO REMIND HYATTE THAT ZIMMERMAN IS WILLING AND ABLE TO SYNDICATE HIS EXCELLENT RECAP TO US....SHOULD WE FEEL THE NEED TO DO SO) COVERED IN GRAPE JELLY!!!!!!!! -Anywhoo, Vince introduced someone who really NEVER was the "People's Champion"...no..he was always "Vince's Champion"...the "Corporate Champion"...the.....RRRRRROCK!!!!!!! (of course, he growled the name out with a passion....his toupee even orgasmed -Wanna know the definition of a Mark? When someone cheers someone one day, then boos him the very next. Lexington was FILLED with Marks. -The Rock took the mic and said that he didn't really "sellout", he just "got ahead"... -Then he called the fans pieces of trailor trash who worked every day...9-5 for minimum wage......yadda yadda yaddaaa -"Hard work and 50 cents will get you a cup of Redneck Coffee"....Patterson laughed at that one....he must of misheard the name....either that or he knows exactly what he can get from a Redneck for 50 cents. -Oh yeah, and Maivia is still harboring ill will for "Die Rocky Die" and "Rocky Sucks" back when he was doing a damn fine imitation of Prince Iaukea. -It's official, everything that USED to have the adjective "People" in front of it must now have the term "Corporate" in front of it......this new practice has applied to Dallas Page for the past 3 years. -Vince took the mic again and asked what it was like to kiss Vince McMahon's ass....for some reason, Patterson automatically went for his Binaca. -Shane jumped in and said, "I know what it's like..and it's GREAT!!!" -The Rock asked Vince if he smelled what the Rock was cooking.....Vince said that he definitely did...... -The whole world has gone homo....I must have been napping during the transistion. -Vince asked to go to the TitanTron and show the fans how they pulled all this together....so let's go to the TitanTron... -Instead of footage, we saw "Stone Cold" Steve Austin arrive in the building. Vince screamed "WHAT THE HELL??? GET HIM OFF CAMERA!!!!". The Bossman twirled his club, Patterson eyed the move lustily. -THEN they went to footage from past weeks outlining the steps that they took to this moment. Culminating with the Rock winning the belt by using the Sharpshooter (oh man, that was just the perfect ending). -Shane asked for, and got coverage of how he was the one who really "screwed" Austin.... -PROOF THAT SOMEONE IN TITAN READS THIS COLUMN: EXHIBIT A: last week, I made an obscure (but not NEARLY as obscure as I had thought) reference to "Captain Chaos" from the movie "Cannonball Run". This week, when covering his run into the Austin/Mankind, he QUOTED Captain Chaos just like I had when he said, "and here I come DA DA DAAAAAAA!!!!!"....... -This cued "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, who came out and walked right into the ring. He was about to mount the second ropes and stick his fists up, but he thought about it..and just turned around and give the group a double birdie. Ross bellowed that HE should have been WWF champion, NOT the Rock.....seemingly forgetting that Austin would have still had to have fought the Rock if he managed to beat Mankind. -Vince asked Austin where did he get those marks on his face.....for some reason, Patterson's face turned deep red. -Austin asked for a "Hell Yeah" if they thought the Rock was a sorry ass sell out....the crowd damn near blew the roof off...(Those people were HOT this week.....at one point, Brisco farted and they acted like Goldberg just stepped out). -Vince reminded Austin (and informed us) that a clause in Austin's contract says that he cannot lay a finger on Vince unless provoked. -Austin showed us footage of Shane McMahon saying that Austin had a shot at the new champ the Raw after the SS. Vince said he had overuled that statement already. -So, Austin produced a contract that said.....aw Hell....let me nutshell this to you... -Judge Mills Lane came on and read from the cue cards that the contract was binding and Austin had a shot at the title tonight...then he picked his nose. -Austin left, the McMahon faction looked outraged, Ross sounded like he just heard the Sizzler was cutting the prices on their All U Can Eat Buffet in half. It took 20 whopping minutes for them to head on out for the night's first set of... -commercials -What's left of Degeneration X came out to a huge pop. X-Pac was sporting these HUGE bags under his eyes. All three of them were sporting new Degeneration X Football Jerseys...Hey Geeks! Buy a shirt and wear it to school!!! Girls will swoon, Boys will respect you!!! Teachers will automatically give you A's!!! And the shirts are black colored, so they won't look wet after you get your head dunked in the toilet!!!! Only $39.99 and $9 S & H.....Kids, sneak your Mom's credit card out of her purse and order NOW!!!! -Ross said that X-Pac was very close to being really injured last night, but thankfully...he wasn't. -The Oddities came out with Luna and the Insane Clown Posse. Uh huh. -It was supposed to be a Six man jam, but neither the Giant Silva nor X-Pac got out there at all...... -The ICP interferred and cost the Oddities the match. Later, the Headbangers beat up Road Dog a bit......I am quite pleased with the fact that I have absolutely no Clown Luv at all. -Footage of just a few minutes ago....Mankind has just arrived into the building and he headed straight for the Boiler Room....screaming about coming home. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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