Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

And we are off and running...11/19/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -In Vince’s locker room.....Vince has asked Patterson to go check on Mankind, just to see if he’s going to be a problem. Pat said, “Let me get this straight? You want me to go into the boiler room? A dark, smelly place in the bowels of this building that no man should have business venturing into? Is THAT where you want me to go in search of a man?” -Vince said yes -Patterson moved so fast an image of himself stayed behind for a moment -Ken Shamrock came out and challenged the Big Bossman for fudging up his chances at the Survivor Series. To really piss him off, Shamrock said that he just joined the NWO. -Val Venis came out alone. He compared his pecker to the Kentucky Derby....either that, or he said he humped horses....I wasn’t paying attention . -Mark Henry came out with D-Lo...they started to battle true -Henry owned for a while, than Val did, than Henry did again... -Then someone came out at the entrance way, Ross said, “Wait a second”... -Oh my God.....MICHAEL JACKSON IS ON RAW IS WAR!!!!!! THAT’S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -With BOOBS!!!!!!!! -wait....scratch that.....that’s LATOYA JACKSON!!!!! LATOYA JACKSON IS ON RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLD, I SAY HOLD THE PRESSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Then Ross said it was Chyna.....no way. -Henry acted like it was......so much so that he was distracted enough to let Venis roll him up and take the pin. -After the match, Henry grabbed the mic and asked Latoya out on a date...no sex, just dinner. In hopes to charm Ms. Jackson, he recited a little poem... Yo Baby, yo baby, Yo I likes the white meat It’s a real treat to eat You n me can retreat And I can pound on dat booty Get all up in dat ass. Word! -Latoya wasn’t impressed......wait a second...... -That is Chyna isn’t it??? -Oh Sweet Moses!!! Oh My God in Heaven......what happened to her? -That...that...THAT WAS HER PLASTIC SURGERY???? HER WHOLE FRIGGIN” FACE IS CHANGED!!!!!!!! -Oh Heavens...this will take some getting used to. -commercials -Are you sure that wasn’t Michael Jackson? -back to the dressinbg room where a more disheaveled Patterson returned....Vince asked “Patrick” what happened. Pat said he couldn’t find it -Vince said, “You couldn’t find it?” -Pat, “No Vince...I felt around and around in there...I couldn’t find it...it must have burrowed into my colon” -Shane, “UNCLE PAT!!!! THAT WAS MY PET HAMSTER, CHUCKLES!!!!!” -Patterson, “Yeah? Well trust me, he’s Chuckling right now as we speak.” -Patterson then offered to let Shane go looking for it, in fact he seemed to BEG Shane to go look for it. He dropped his pants, put his back to Shane and quickly bent do(EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION....THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH)ssman’s billy club to help him see. -What follows is a conversation between Brisco and Vince.....God help us all -”You couldn’t find your ASS!!!!” -”I know where it is Mr. MacMahon” -”He’s sitting on it” -”No, I mean the boiler room” -”yes....he is sitting on it” -So, Brisco went looking for Mankind -PROOF THAT SOMEONE IN TITAN READS THIS COLUMN: EXHIBIT B: See above segment -Ross capped this off by saying, “Quite the CRACK staff”...I am 100% positive he knew EXACTLY what he was saying. -Goldust came to the ring, then Steve Blackman came out. They were paired as Tag team partners to take on... -Jeff Jarrett and the Blue Blazer. Deborah McMichael was there for the ride. Ross said that Debbie was fresh off a divorce, thus had all sorts of loot. -He also swore up and down that it was Owen Hart in the Blue Blazer costume. -The Blazer was tagged in..and he REFUSED to take off that damn CAPE!!!!!! -Blackman pinned the Blazer, then tried to take off the mask...Ross said, “NOW THE WORLD WILL SEE WHAT GOOD OL’ JR HAS BEEN SAYING FOR WEEKS!!!! THIS BLUE BLAZER AIN’T FOOLIN’ ANYONE!!! IT’S OWEN HART BY GOD!!!! AND TONY SCHIAVONE TOSSES BISCHOFF’S SALAD” -Then Owen Hart ran out, and he, Jarrett, and the Blazer all doubleteamed Blackman....Ross admitted that he was wrong.....but re-iterated the salad tossing line. -Brisco came back.....said that there was a lot of weird noises coming from the Boiler room. Vince said that those were just those Young Cuban steel workers that he smuggled into the Country last night that are going to help with the rebuilding of the casino.....Patterson’s ears perked up, “Oh...THAAAAT BOILER ROOM!!!!!! I thought you meant the other one!! I’ll go get them....I mean HIM, Vince!!!!” Vince sent Slaughter instead. -commercials -Slaughter was back.....he wasn’t going in there alone....so Vince made all three of them go....you can guess who had the rear. -Steven (Why they call him the more pussy-like “Stephen” is beyond me) Regal is a Real Man’s Man...silly, I know....but dammit...I WAS A FAN OF THIS GUY EVEN IN WCW!!!!!! Any long time Mop-Up readers will remember this. Anywhoo, he came to the ring.. -The Godfather came out with three lovely Ho’s.....one of them was a bit on the pudgy side and had no business being in a dress that size......but she was still lovely. -The arrival of Ho’s can only mean one thing......the arrival of the 10 o’ clock hour -The Godfather allowed his girls to parade around some, then announced that Lexington has some of the “best Ho’s in the world” (The top flight ones have actual teeth!). -So, the GDfather put the offer on the table.....a free night with the Hoes, or an ass whuppin. To help the sell, Kama had the girls do a little booty dance for Regal. One of them lifted her dress and gave a nice shimmy for him. The pudgy one just bent down and stuck it out......she had a real nicely rounded Jennifer Lopez thing going. The third one didn’t do much. -So Regal, grabbed the mic and said that even though he was British, his name is Steven Regal, NOT Elton John.... “I’ll take the BROADS!!!” -That’s why I like the guy...HE CALLS ‘EM BROADS!!!!!!!!! -So Regal leaves with the girls.....I hope they make him use the toilet before breaking out the Vodka -Meanwhile, the Godfather was taking off his hat and jewelry.....he takes the mic again and says....... -PROOF THAT SOMEONE IN TITAN READS THIS COLUMN: -EXHIBIT C: “Hey Regal!! I didn’t think that you would take the Ho’s. To quote the Great Archie Bunker, England ain’t nothing but a place for FAGS!!!!!!!” -Now, I realize that I didn’t invent the word “fag”.....but come on.... -Regal flipped of course....he attacked......the Officials charged.....it was broken up. Who is the idiot who wants Papa Shango back? This Pimp gimmick is KILLER!!! -Kane is deep in the back looking for trouble...and finding it in the form of two workers. -Dressing room action with Vince, Shane, and Big Bossman.....Vince wants BBM to give Shamrock the type of match he wants. -Shamrock is coming out...he’s ready for trouble....Jimbo is ready for another round with the buffet table..so we are off to some more.. -commercials -Shamrock fought Bossman for a while...then Vince came out and convinced Kenny to join the McWO because they needed a “Corporations Most Dangerous Man”...that ’s all I have for this little segment...I’m all tapped out. -Kane is still backstage...he beat up a fan for having the nerve to ask for an Autograph......then the Cops came and Kane ran like a fag....even DEMON SPAWNED PSYCHOPATHS ON A MISSION FROM HELL ITSELF don’t want a criminal record. -The Brood beat a path of gore (what the Hell am I rambling about?) to the ring to take on the LOD 2000...Droz and Animal. The match barely goes 60 seconds when.... -Hawk shows up at the entrance way and starts climbing the TitanTron....and I mean he scales it ALL the way to the top. Droz and Animal leave the ring to go see what he’s up to. Ross secretly prayed that nothing cool would happen until they plowed through another set of well paid for.... -commercials -Hawk didn’t jump yet, but he was drunk...Paul Ellering showed up and displayed his brighter-than-the-sun dentures as he begged Hawk to climb back down. Hawk screamed at him. Ellering recited past tales about how Hawk had found strength from his dead Mother in the past and he needed to find it again....Hawk screamed, “Ellering, you are the beginning of my end!!!” (Somewhere in that line is a Patterson joke just WAITING to come out.....but I’m not through with Patty Boy just yet...so we’ll let it go!). -Now things get serious because Animal went kayfabe (sorta) and called him “Michael”......and Droz started to climb the TitanTron to try to help him... -Hawk yelled at Droz to get away from him..... -meanwhile....and forgive me for not respecting the sensitivity of the issue..but I can’t help but stare at Hawk’s belly......God, it’s a real shame. -Droz made it up and seemed to be trying to reassure him....then he pushed him back and Hawk fell behind the TitanTron and apparently toppled down. Ross and Lawler dropped the act and turned the vocal range down about 3 octaves....so you see..this was REAL life...not wrestling nonsense...to punctuate the drama..they TORE away for some... -commercials -footage of what just happened....Ross refused to speculate on whether Droz would really be heartless enough to actually shove a man to his death. -Hawk wasn’t seen personally..but an Ambulance was getting ready to haul ass as Ellering started to weep like a total FAG!! The DOA were there to console him.....Patterson later offered Ellering a shoulder to lean on...as well as other body parts. -Sable came out for no holds barred interview with Michael Kole...Kole surprised me by reminding the world that she was once Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s valet.....but now she had soared all the way up to Women’s Champion. Sable went through the usual rhetoric about how dreams come true, shoot for the stars, hard work and dedication....blah blah blah....(Folks, take it from me..it doesn’t matter how GOOD you are or how HARD you work..all that matters is if you can give good oral....THEN you can be somebody) -She also dedicated the Women’s Belt to the fans...because we like to stare at her nips -What happened to Terri Powers anyway? -AND WHERE THE FU&% IS MALUNDRA BLACHELLI ANYWAY???? -Shane McMahon came out and reminded her Heineyness that the PEOPLE didn’t make Sable.....no, no...Vincent K (Sorry, only one a week now...try again next week) McMahon made her. Those Silicone babies are owned and operated by Titan Sports...in case she forgot. -Sable said that she worked real hard to get where she is -Shane said that “women like her always do” and walked off....leaving Sable in the ring to say that she wasn’t for sale...or something like that...quite frankly..I’m tired of recapping RAW now.....let’s breeze so I can get to Nitro. -Ross said that Hawk was still breathing......and unfortunately, he was also still storing energy as fat....I hope they give him Low fat Ice Cream in there. -The Rock was seen getting ready for his match. -Slaughter, Brisco, and Patterson were equipped in football pads and helmets for their rendevoos with Foley....Patterson was delighted at the chance at a little “American Gladiators: Prison Rules” role playing and was asking, “Can I be Gemini? One minute Tough and the other minute Tender? Oh can I please??” Sarge and Brisco ignored him. -They went looking for Foley.........and what Patterson did next caused me to practically puke up a spittake so intense, that chunks of my spaghetti dinner eaten 2 hours before actually went up with it.... -Patterson....”Mick....Miiiiiick???? We LOVE yooooooouu!!!” -Then the sumbitch did it a SECOND time!!!! -Then he did it a THIRD GODDAM TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -HOW CAN I FOLLOW THAT?????? I ASK YOU????? -Foley did show up and attacked all three of them.....then he ran out of the Boiler room...they followed him. -Mankind then KICKED PATTERSON IN THE BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Patterson went down and started to scream, “HAAAAAAWWWWW HAWWWWWWWWWW HAAAAAWWWWWWWWW HAAAAWWWWWWWWW” -Word has it...over in WCW, Raven felt a disturbance in his “Gaydar”......as if a fellow brethren was going through incredible agony. He put his hand over his heart, and said a silent prayer in honor of his fallen comrade in butts. -And with that..we close the closet door on Patterson jokes for the week....thank you all for coming, you’ve been a lovely audience...GOODNIGHT!!!!! -commercials -The McWO came out without the Warriors Three....Vince had the mic and said that he didn’t like the idea that Austin had this match, and (after listening to a rousing chant of “ASSHOLE”) said that this re-match would be the very last shot he would ever have at the Rock. Then he introduced the Rock... -And out he comes.... -Then the glass broke and the crowd popped....Austin barely got through the ropes when it began... -the Rock slipped outside, Austin chased him and knocked him around. Then he dragged him back in and pounded on him some more... -meanwhile...a fan hopped over the guardrail and pumped his arms over his head..he was tackled by that musclehead security guy who’s always around. (Funny little aside...for a VERY nice touch, as Vince turned the corner to see the kid get tackled, Bossman automatically stepped in front of him to make sure he was protected in case the kid broke free, or in case someone else decided to follow his lead.....it was pretty cool the way he stayed in character like that). -The Rock takes control..the kid is being hauled out, totally carried by three security men. -They go into the seats...Austin brawls away.... -Maivia takes it back. -This crowd was weird....I’ll discuss it later. The match was GREAT though....they jammed so much action in a ten minute match, unreal. -The “Corporate Elbow” STILL gets the heat...the fans seemed torn between booing and cheering. -Mankind ran out and tussled with the Bossman....then Shamrock got into it when Mankind went for Vince. -Austin went for the Stunner..was pushed away. Rock went for the Rock Bottom, Austin elbowed out of it.....Austin went for the Stunner again...he hit it...Ross immediately pronounced Maivia’s title reign dead and buried -But Shamrock pulled the ref out of the ring......Ross damned him to Hell. -Austin slipped out of the ring and nailed Shamrock. -Then the Undertaker came out with Paul Bearer and a shovel....he hit Austin with one and fondled the other... -The ref called for the bell....UT went to hit Austin again, but Bearer stopped him.....The Rock left feeling victorious.......Vince left looking confused....Ross left sounding confused and screaming “MY GOD!!! THE CARNAGE, THE CARNAGE!!!” as for the show? It just left. Two things about this show.... 1: During the first half and hour, and the last 15 minutes, these fans were the LOUDEST bunch of mofos that I have heard since last year ’s IYH Canadian Stampede (Those folks were stomping so loud that the cameras actually SHOOK). During the middle parts of the show.....they were pretty much the average crowd. I can see why....but it was still worth pointing out. and 2: I called “Team McMahon” the McWO for a reason.....think about it...Vince is Hogan, Shane is Bischoff, Bossman is the Disciple (now Horace), Patterson is Dusty Rhodes, Brisco is Vincent, Slaughter is Ted DiBiase (although he is no longer in the NWO...nor is he on the face of the planet apparently....but I DO have it on good authority that DiBiase WILL be back in a unique form in the near future...stay tuned), and Maivia is Hall/Nash and Shamrock is the first of many faces that I’m sure will be joining Team Vince in the near future....if you think about it..the comparison is so close it’s downright scary.....in other words, (and say it with me all together folks).... MY GOD!!!!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let’s check out Nitro shall we? Chris Hyatte
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