Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Read the RAW one first...or don't...11/25/98 Mop-Up Nitro Well now....since the proverbial cat has been let out of the proverbial bag....it now appears that Kevin Nash is now booking for WCW, hand in hand with Bischoff of course. Since we really don't have an official start date, I guess we'll have to label tonight's Nitro the official Monday Night where Big Sexy plays traffic cop and tries to write this show back into some degree of entertainment. I wish the big guy luck. By the way, if this is the way it'll be for the foreseeable future...then I wouldn't expect to see Big Kev come running back to Titan when his contract runs out in two years do you? Maybe Hall, but not Nash....but, that is two years from now....a LOT can happen by then. NITRO: (or Windham??? NO!!!! How could you!!!!!!!) -opens with a camera pan of the audience. Tony Schiavone tells us that BOTH WCW and that no good "New World Order" are welcoming us to the "ONLY WEEKLY LIVE TELEVISION PROGRAM IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!" (oh, so it's gonna be like that huh? Okay fine). -They are in some arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan. -The Nitro Girls are busy trying to unlock the secrets of Cold Fusion, but they stopped long enough to treat us to the seductive art of bad dancing. -Larry Z chastises Tony for insinuating that those child molesting New World Order villains would welcome us to anything.....Tony blows him off. -First hour fireworks go off.....and the weekly endurance test officially begins -The Announcers say "Hi" on camera...Larry goes to say hello to a few of his fans....wouldn't it be cool if he came back soaked from head to toe? Why am I the only one who thinks to do that kind of stuff? What's wrong with you people...start coming up with this stuff on your own!! -Tony announces that all the questions about Hogan shall be answered on this Thursdays "Tonight Show".......JOHNNY CARSON!!!!! WE MISS YOU!!!!!! COME BACK PLEASE....OH GOD PLEASE COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Believe it or not kids, the Tonight Show used to be the classiest act in Entertainment....now it and it's host are nothing but whores...prostituting themselves out to anyone. You'd never see Carson do a cameo on "Baywatch" just to get that favored Hasselhoff booking. -still shots from World War 3.....Tony wastes no time in getting to the first LIE OF THE NIGHT and claimed that Nash single handily eliminated EVERYONE IN THE MATCH to win it. -Oh my...judging from these still shots....I think I may have missed the GREATEST WORLD WAR 3 THAT WCW HAS EVER PUT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -yeah.......okay....and Patterson has never felt a gerbil squirm around in his colon. (I know, I know....it's the WCW portion of the column......f-you) -To kick things off, (because Nitro is about the WRESTLING, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!) Mike Enos comes out to some music that sounds like a BLATANT RIP OFF to Queen's "We Will Rock You"......why...THAT'S BLASPHEMY....HOW DARE THEY!!!!!! -In fact, I have it on good authority (NOT from Al Isaacs) that somewhere in the Continental USA, Dan Severn saw and heard that music, kicked his TV screen, punched his wife (or boyfriend.....you never know), and began to shout, "GIVE ME YOUR KINGS! LET ME SQUEEZE THEM IN MY HANDS!! YOUR PUNY PRINCES!!! YOUR SO-CALLED LEADERS OF YOUR LAND!!!! I'LL EAT THEM WHOLE BEFORE I'M DONE!!!! THE BATTLE'S FOUGHT AND THE GAME IS WON!!! I AM THE ONE THE ONLY WON!!! I AM THE GOD OF KINGDOM COME!!!!!!" Then the cops arrived before he could finish.....it got ugly......Severn was charged with spousal (or lifemate..you still never know) abuse and disturbing the peace.....Severn's mustache was charged with indecent exposure......it mooned one of the cops. -go ahead..try to get that reference....I DARE YA!!!!!!!!! -Anyway......Enos was taking on Lex Luger. Methinks this is the first time Luger has opened a Nitro with a squash. God Bless the announcers for trying to sell Enos off as a threat to anyone. -By the way...someone must have woken up and realize that having the word "ENOS" sewn across the ass part of his tights is pretty much the funniest thing to 12 year old boys and Hyatte...so they lost the idea. -The camera goes outside just in time to see Goldberg get out of a big white Limo (SELL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Another Limo (this one is BLACK!!!! Booo, Booo...hiss, hiss) pulls up behind. Kevin Nash and Konnan get out of that one. Konnan asks his partner that since he won the World War 3 battle Royal (then he quickly turned to the camera and reminded us that the replay will be offered tomorrow night on PPV...order it again to re-live the excitement) and earned a shot at the title at Starrcade, then what does that make him? Nash looked at him and they both shouted, "NEXXXXT". Goldberg rasped, "You know, being next ain't exactly the safest place to be, Brother, ask your girlfriend." (referring to Konnan), Nash laughed at him. -Do you know what this means???? DO YOU??? Look carefully....think...THINK!!!! -That's right....it means that yet ANOTHER FRIGGIN' WRESTLER has decided to refer to EVERYONE HE TALKS TO AS..."BROTHER"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THE INSANITY!!!! IT'S AN EPIDEMIC!!!!!!! -Hogan, Savage, Flair, Page, Just about every Black wrestler ever, Taz, both of the Steiners, Vader, Jimmy Snuka.......they all do it now......Christ! -opening theme -commercials -Mean Gene brings out the NEW Chooserweight champion Kidman.......Gene asked him what it was like being champ...he hinted that his pecker ain't complaining about all the trim it's been getting.....we can only pray that said "trim" is of a female persuasion (you never know). Then he asked for Rey Mysterio Jr. to come on out. -Out came the little squirt.....Kidman gave him a title shot for being such a nice little guy and helping him kinda/sorta take out Juventud last night.....Rey said "no problemo" and the match was set for later that night. -The crowd BOOED this showing of good sportsmanship......what's wrong with you people? -Then Eddie Guerrero came out with his Bodyguard "Ponch", Eddie reminded Rey that there was a contract saying that he is LWO 4 life......Geno pleaded with Eddie to let Rey go. -Eddie said that Rey acted like a "turd" last night (ooo, such language...Eddie must be SHOOTING again) and then made him wear a LWO shirt.....Gene didn't need to see the tag to gauge that it was a massive XXXXXX size shirt (Wow....it was nice of Sean Shannon to lend WCW his shirt.) -Rey argued, Eddie screamed...Gene was outraged, Rey put the damn thing on......and Eddie walked away triumphant. The Latin Bischoff....I wonder if this was the plan from the start? I wonder if they even realize this? I wonder if I'll ever get paid for writing this crap? I wonder if her husband will notice the stains on her sheets? I wonder what Mela looks like naked? I guess I'll find out all those answers in due time. -Norman Smiley comes out and shoots an air arrow with an air bow.......WCW are so racist, they won't even give a Brother the real thing......bastards! Then he holds up a sign that reads, "NORMAN SMILEY IS MY FAVORITE WRESTLER"!! Tony puts on his KKK hood and expresses shock that someone would make that sign....a WHITE someone no doubt!!! (sigh....we are so close to planetary harmony....yet so far, far, far away). -Then Benoit comes out.....looking like he's counting the days to his contract expiration. -Larry wondered how long Norman will be "smiling" after jamming with Benoit..then congratulated himself on his rapier wit. -Benoit slapped Smiley in the face.......somewhere in the Projects, Bobby Walker lit up a stogie with a hundred dollar bill and started to laugh and laugh and laugh. -Somewhere in the floor seats, someone held up a sign that read, "SCOOPS VS....." someone.....oh Jeeze..who are we fighting now???? COME ON..BRING IT ON!!!!!!!! I'LL BLITZ THROUGH YOU JUST LIKE I BLITZ THROUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS F&^%$ING NET!!!! NO ONE CAN TAKE ME!!!! NO ONE CAN HANDLE ME!!!!!!!! NOBODY!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?? NOBODY!!!!!! I'LL FU*& YOUR ASS HARDER THAN Z-SMOOTH FU*%$# MINE!!!! GO AHEAD....TRY ME!!! -Oh...wait a second..the sign read "STOOPS VS GOLDBERG".....has nothing to do with me or this site......never mind...sorry. -Z-Smooth? Where the Hell did that come from? What is a Z-Smooth? And why do I have this sudden urge to drink Grain Alcohol? -After a rather impressive array of moves, Smiley did this....err....thing where he pretended to ride someone's ass.....being a Brit, the gender factor on the ass that he's riding is completely a coin toss (once again, you never know). He punctuated the move by slapping the side of this imaginary butt that he is riding. -Benoit eventually won with that cross face thingy.......y'know, Smiley is starting to catch on with me...he does have a certain charm about him. That, and that ass riding thing he did brings back some memories that I can't quite place.....it's right there on the tip of my tongue, yet I can't quite seem to recall it. -Hey kids!! Did'ja see the sign that read "FRANK Z FOR PRESIENT" in the front row??? Could that be in reference to SCOOPS own Frank Zammetti?? if so, then GOOD FOR HIM!!!! It's about time someone gave props to the dude who invented those "Real Wrestling Fan" lists that I enjoy so much!!! (at this moment, Spiffy is having a friggin' conniption.....HA!). -commercials -Nitro Party Clip....no wonder they are losing in the ratings.....all their viewers go to one house now......Nielson counts that as one household. -stills from WW3...where Bischoff made sure that we never got our promised Hall vs Nash match....or is Nash to blame? Naaaahh, the new rules here are When they do something GOOD....it's Nash's brilliant booking...when they do something that SUCKS...it's good old Uncle Eric's fault...because he is a dickhead. -Da Wolfpac come on out. We see some moron actually hold up a sign that read TNT= Top Notch Television....(yeah...okay.....he must have every episode of "Robin Hood" on tape...and gotta love that "Mortal Combat" series....and let's not forget those "Lois and Clark" repeats) -Nash talked, Konnan talked, Luger talked, then Nash talked again.....time was eaten up nicely. -Tony announced that Mean Gene will grab Nash backstage and hit him with the HARD HITTING QUESTIONS IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW THAT EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD WILL BE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS FOR!!!! SCREW MONICA LEWINSKY...THIS IS THE INTERVIEW THAT MATTERS IN THE WORLD TODAY!!!!!! -of course, since Nash drags his ass...MAJOR time was killed by Tony as Gene waited for him to show up.... -Finally, they cut to Gene who grabbed Nash and Luger....he asked him about Scott Hall. Nash answered that he wasn't ready to book the reunion quite yet.....check back in January. -Then Goldberg came out from the back...Gene promptly shat his pants, Nash screamed at Luger WATCH MY BACK!!!!!!! (watta pussy!!) -Goldberg sauntered up to him and said that he was going to run over him with a truck.....I think. Then he called Nash "brother" again.....WILL IT EVER END!!!! -Goldberg walked away and Nash advised him to cut back on the caffeine... -spot for Starrcade.....the symbol for this year's show is a golden star......a Jewish golden star.....Nash is SOOOO dead it isn't even funny. -commercials -Tokyo Magnum came out....Kanyon's music came on....but no Kanyon came out..(YEAH!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!! NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS, NITRO WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -So the cameras go just inside the entrance way, where we see Kanyon talking to Raven in the dark (Crap!! Nitro sucks!!! Raw Wins). -Kanyon tries to get Raven to come out with him, pointing out that 30 years old is a WEE too old to still be blaming everything on his "momma"....(but you can still do it when your 28.....BITCH!!!!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! I NEVER HAD A CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) -Raven wouldn't budge..Kanyon went out...was about to do his "Who's better than Kanyon" thing that is working about as well as Mortis did, then dropped it. -I don't like Kanyon...and I never will....neither do the announcers apparently, judging from the way they spent the whole match talking about what the dealie-yo is with Hogan. -Ugly won by the way -commercials -The Nitro Girls are up to no good as Tony tells us that there will be no Thunder this week...(DAMN!!!! And I was about to announce that I'd start recapping Thunder from here on out!!!!!!! I guess I'll have to wait until next week....crap) -Glacier comes out......the fact that he is still doing this gimmick is a living, breathing testament to Bischoff's incredible ego. ("I'll just keep on sending him out there....he'll catch on eventually! It's only been two years!! He WILL catch fire!! He HAS to!! He's a 90's Super Hero!!! He knows Karate!!! I DYED HIS HAIR BROWN!!!! HE HAS GOT TO CATCH ON DAMMIT!!!!" -Bobby Duncum Jr. comes out.....did I mention he was fighting Glacier? -How about we start a petition and get WCW to name Bobby Duncum Jr's finisher the "dunCUM Shot"? Just a thought... -I did? Good! Now excuse me while I go re-lace all my shoes and chronologically organize all my old "Bazooka Joe" bubble gum comics. -commercials -Bwahahaaaa.....that Bazooka Joe...he gets into so much mischief.....ha haaa -Mean Gene calls out the Giant. The Giant come in and basically says that since he will be either wearing a brown leather flight cap, or wearing a mask and holding a Cartman doll by this time two months from now....he may as well job out to Goldberg one last time tonight.....that is of course, if Goldberg has the BALLS (said out loud, but edited...of course) -commercials -second hour fireworks arrive....that was the longest first hour of my li......oh f-it..it wasn't that bad. -The Silver King was squashed by Saturn...BUT WAIT....there's more... -Before the match, Saturn grabbed the mic and said that Ernest Miller was only "half a man"...(What??? HOW DARE HE!!!!! RASCIST BASTARD!!!!!!!! In Los Angeles, Johnny Cochran just heard that, woke up his secretary, and screamed, "GET ME BOBBY WALKER ON THE PHONE NOW!!! NOW!!!! HOW SHOULD I KNOW WHERE HE LIVES? JUST FIND HIM!!!!!!!!) -During the match, Ernest Miller and Sonny Ono came out. Miller was dressed like a Black Panther.....Ono did a nifty Shaft impression and told Miller to "Shut Yo' Mouth"......(next up for the WCW braintrust....bringing back Colonel DeBeers and putting Alex Wright in a Nazi Uniform....ANYONE ELSE TERRIFIED AT THE THOUGHT OF TED TURNER AS PRESIDENT???????) -commercials -In case you missed it..we saw MORE still shots of Kevin Nash incredible elimination of all 60 men to win the Battle Royal....that's right, nobody else eliminated anyone..it was all Nash...yup.....yup...DON'T BELEIVE ME?? GO ORDER THE REPLAY THEN!!!!!!!!! -Rey Mysterio Jr. came out wearing Sean Shannon's shirt and looking glum (Sean never bothered to wash it....and that boy has MAJOR B.O......no wonder he never scores with the girls..or talks to them ((bad breath too))) -okay...NOW it's over -Kidman comes out...and Dammit..his theme music may be the BEST OF THEM ALL!!!!! -The match is on..... -and on some more.... -and even more...a real romper stomper here... -Then Eddie came out....Kidman went after him.. -Then Juventud hit the ring wearing eyeglasses and asking who was going to get the Jews. He gave Mysterio the "Juvee Driver"....his glasses bounced off his face and hit the ring...he grabbed them and took off. -I didn't know Mysterio was Jewish? When did he convert? -And GOOD FOR HIM for converting by the way....there is nothing wrong with being a member of the Jewish community!! I wish I was Jewish!!! Because apparently, from what I've gathered...you automatically run Hollywood, New York, and get loads of money. -Kidman won of course...he had no clue what had happened...Kidman doesn't read anything but his parts on the scripts. -commercials -oh Christ....mean Gene has Bischoff out there. Eric is wearing a goatee and has his baseball hat on backwards....but it still doesn't hide the gray in his hair (Kinda tough to look youthful with gray hair isn't it Eric?? ISN'T IT?????? HAHAHAHAHAAA YOU OLD FOOL!!!!) -Bischoff asks for Ric Flair to come out so they he can settle the issue between them once and for all about just who is in charge here. -Flair comes out and displays surprise that Bischoff found the guts to look him right in the eye. -Bischoff starts things off by asking Flair to acknowledge that he runs this company.....Flair acknowledged that even Ted Turner makes mistakes from time to time, and Bischoff is one of them. -Bischoff then told Flair that he couldn't hire of fire anyone for WCW...including Barry Windham....and to help sell that idea, he had Barry Windham come out. -So, Windham came out...looking delighted that he was even on a Monday night show anymore. -Bischoff then predicted to Flair that Windham will "knock you flat on your ass!" (Not edited....because every single syllable out of Bischoff's mouth simple MUST be recorded for history's sake. -Flair laughed at that. Meanwhile, since it's been so long since he had anything to do with an on camera angle...Windham completely forgot how to position himself so that his face was to the camera, and how to make sure he wasn't blocking anyone else out. -Flair lectured Bischoff on tradition, talent, experience, and what it's like being a Horseman......in other words...BARRY WINDHAM IS A TRUE WRESTLER AND WOULD NEVER...EVER TURN HIS BACK ON HIS HISTORY!!!! BISCHOFF IS A FOOL TO THINK THAT WINDHAM WOULD BETRAY THE HORSEMEN LIKE THAT!!!!!!! OH YES BABY, BISCHOFF DEFINITELY OVERPLAYED HIS CARDS THIS TIME AROUND...YESSIREEBOB!!!! -Bischoff slapped Flair, Flair attacked Bischoff...Windham attacked Flair....I reached for the nearest bottle of anything and drank ever so deeply....Tobacco spit....oh GROSS -Windham held Flair down as Bischoff kicked him weakly.. -the Horsemen charged, the NWO charged out and attacked them..they beat the Horsemen down and laid them out...I TOLD YOU!!!!! I TOLD YOU THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!!!!!! BETTER GET USED TO THAT SIGHT FOLKS!!!! BECAUSE THE HORSEMEN ARE NOTHING BUT JOBBERS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Idiots..you thought I was wrong huh? Morons! -commercials -Bobby Heenan joined the fun...Tony morbidly announced that the Horsemen were wiped out....then had the nerve to act SHOCKED!!!!!!!!! sadly, Tony will CONTINUE to act shocked each and every time when someone wipes out the Horsemen...probably a weekly event now. -still shots from WW3...dealing with Stevie Ray and Konnan -Konnan came out...I fast forwarded through his little act. -Booker T came out..they got it on. Tony fumbled through an explanation as to why the Horsemen are gone from the building, except for Dean Malenko, who has to stick around and lose to Bret hart later on. -What could have been a decent match was spoiled by Stevie Ray, who came out all in black and whacked Konnan several times with a Blackjack.....which the MAN referred to as a ":Slapjack"......oooo..the MAN is always keeping me down man.....I CALL FOR A RIOT!!!! LET'S TAKE IT TO THE STREETS PEOPLE!!!!!! WHO'S WITH ME????? -Oh forget it...it's cold outside.....we can start rioting in May. -After the DQ thing...Booker T grabbed the mic and called his brother a "sucka"....Stevie Ray grabbed the mic and said that Booker better get his head out of the MAN'S ass and look around at what's happening.....revolution is in the air baby, and if you ain't part of the solution, then you be part of the problem....sucka! -For the record..and to all the fine people of any race/color/or creed out there who feel downtrodden by the white establishment.....even though I myself am cursed with white skin...I assure you, I am neither the solution, nor the problem.....I'm just trying to get the occasional blowjob......don't worry about me! PEACE!! -commercials -Mean Gene bragged that WCW is big in France....I hear that every time Alex Wright comes out..half the country surrenders....Ba DUM DUM -Gene invited Bret Hart to come out.....Bret Hart...a Canadian...now THAT is a people who all of us, White, Black, Jews, Japs, Frogs, Krauts, Limeys Spics, Poles, Fags can ALL hate!!! COME ON PEOPLE!!!! DOWN WITH CANADA!!!!!!!!!! DOWN WITH CANADA!!! -Did you know that Hitler had some Canadian blood in him? WELL HE DID!!!!!!!!! -Is there any Nationality or Religion that I HAVEN'T pissed off yet? -Oh right...HOW ABOUT THAT ALLAH!!!!! ALLAH IS A HOMO!!! -Well, that ought to cover it. -Bret Hart comes out...gives one of those interviews that keep getting better and better....badmouths Page and his cheap faggy little win from the other night. He calls Page a little punk, then calls the crowd a bunch of little punks.....(at least they ain't CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!!!) -Then Bret started in on his match with Malenko, who received a bad leg due to that NWO attack a few minutes ago....I don't know why, nor am I proud of it...but I was COMPLETELY tickled by the Bret's line, "It's a dirty job, but I'm gonna have to take Dean Malenko's leg and throw it into the crowd!!" -I...I...I don't know..it just really made me chuckle..maybe because it's so old school..or maybe because Bret looks to be really enjoying himself for the first time in WCW...and by God..I'm enjoying Bret in WCW.....Kudo's to Kevin Nash..he FINALLY MADE BRET'S GIMMICK WORK!!!! (remember: the new rules here are When they do something GOOD....it's Nash's brilliant booking...when they do something that SUCKS...it's good old Uncle Eric's fault...because he is a dickhead.) -commercials Chris Hyatte
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