Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Crimson & Clover, it's almost over...11/25/98 Mop-Up Nitro (cont) -The Nitro Girls line up down the aisle....then.... -Third hour fireworks go off......which can only mean one thing....Hyatte shifts to cruise control and breezes through the rest of this...... -Wrath lost to Nash.....basically because Nash IS THE POWER NOW BABAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO ONE IS SAFE FROM BIG SEXY!!!!!!! (Vince better pony up some MAJOR money in two years if this is the way it's gonna be from now on) -and yes, I spelled "babay" intentionally..it's a emphasis/slang thing -By the way..even though it was a little slow...it was a pretty good romp. -commercials -Mean Gene brought out Chris Jericho. Jericho's hair was all discombobulated...Tenay had the nerve to call for the hair police.....Gene wisely mumbled something about not being able to comment.....Tony and Heenan had some fun at Tenay's follically challenged dome. -Along the way, Jericho grabbed a sign and threw it aside in disgust..my description does not do the move any justice. -Jericho hit the ring and pulled his hair up to make it look even more screwy...after Gene commented that he wasn't the guy to comment on a bad hair day...Jericho recalled that Gene Mean (and God Bless the sumbitch for bringing THAT phrase back...must'a been Nash's idea!!) DID have hair...back in the 60's. -Jericho felt let down and betrayed by the Jerichoholics for not showing the respect he deserves and for not cheering as loud as they should. he reminded them that he is better than each and every one of them. (Can't argue there) -Then he talked about Bobby dunCUM Jr....saying that Old Coot Stu Hart made him do the "Cowboy Gimmick" a few years back...he hated it then and he hates it now. But he DID remember having fun "lassoing up some dOggies and rustling up some vittles" -Then Bobby dunCUM Jr. (Get used to it folks....I love writing it) came out with Ralphus (Internet "Guru" BOB RYDER!!!!!!!) all tied and gagged up... -Then dunCUM Jr. proceeded to Hog-tie Ryder and leave him lting there...(WHAT THE....???? THAT'S NO WAY TO TREAT AND INTERNET.....heh....."GURU".....HE BROKE THE HOGAN RETIREMENT STORY ALL ON HIS OWN AND WITH NO HELP FROM WCW!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE THE OLD TOOL SOME RESPECT WHY DONT'CHA!!!!!!!!) -Jericho went to poor Bob and took off his gag.....Bobby started to wail (so sad...so utterly sad). Tony and the boys giggled there way into some... -commercials -Jericho was still trying to help poor old humiliated Bob when... -Scott Hall came out and gave him a few light kicks....Tenay broke up. -At Hall's urging, they cut the NWO theme music and he hit the ring. -With mic in hand, and after a cocky "hey Yo"...Scott decided to retire the survey because even though he STARTED the NWO, he was still tossed out on his drunk booty. He said that he was alone when he first came to WCW, so he'll be alone now..no problem. -To Kevin Nash...who wants Hall to prove himself to him..and to the fans, who want Hall to prove himself to THEM.....F-You...he is going to prove himself to HIMSELF!!! Yeah yeah yeah -Then he went ahead and defeated Alex Wright...France immediately declared Hall a "National Hero" -commercials -The Nitro Girls, the Nitro Girls, the Nitro Girls, and the Nitro Girls.....there is no reason why I repeated that 3 times. -Malenko limped out...Tenay commented on his HEART and COURAGE THAT YOU WILL NOT SEE OVER ON THAT OTHER SHOW!!!!!! -Hart came out.....they got it on... -and got it on some more.. -and they kept it on..even through some.. -commercials -still going....the Announcers pronounced Malenko dead and buried -Tony reminded us that Nitro Plus will be on tomorrow night......nope..won't/can't be bothered. -This was a looooong brouhahaha...pretty boring too. Too methodical. -Then Bret grabbed a chair...then Page jumped out of the seats (because he is the PEOPLE'S CHAMP!!!!!!!!!) and hit the ring..only to take a chair shot. -Page fought back and punched Hart until he escaped out of the ring. Then he grabbed the mic and used every cliche in his arsenal......"Bret...the HitSCUM Hart!!! Back off JACK!!! You're gonna feel da BANG!!!" I am so very tired of Page's heavily manufactured coolness. Let us go off to some... -commercials -Tony proudly boasts that WCW cares about us.....and since we are frothing for every single appearance by Goldberg (2.7 rating last week for Goldberg vs Bigelow..an all time low for the year)..they are happily into it's mind numbing FOURTH HOUR to give you the last match. -Buffer did his thing during the commercials (Maybe WCW DOES care about us!!!) and already brought out the Giant. -Goldberg comes out....breathes in his smoke....makes his way to the ring... -along the way, he sees nobody...because Grand Rapids Michigan is by far the HEATHLIEST, MOST PERFECT CITY IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!!!!!!! So leave me alone ya' bastards. -He hits the ring and wastes the Giant in about 60 seconds....see ya' in Titan big guy!!! -Then Bam Bam Bigelow runs out in a jumpsuit and attacks...a horde of security breaks them up.. -Then Nash comes out and goes for Goldberg....same thing. -Meanwhile....many of the security men tried to intentionally touch Goldberg in order to get healed of some ailment...unfortunately, Goldberg was in a bit of a huff and mischanneled his powerful touch...in other words...EVERYONE who came in contact with him came down with a HORRIFIC case of Tourette's Syndrome......now, NONE of them can make it through a whole sentence without hiccupping the word "Brother" about 6 times.....a sad, sad side effect when ye Gods put the power of the Heavens into a dumb wrestler...alas. The pile up of warm bodies is the last shot we see as the show ends. Hmmm...you know what...I enjoyed the show!! I really did!! It was tight, nicely paced, and it made three hours of this rubbish almost tolerable!! Hogan is GONE, Bischoff was reduced to one single segment, and plenty of Kevin Nash. IT'S A NEW ERA GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!! THE ERA OF BIG SEXY: THE BOOK MAKER!!!!! F-It...RAW didn't actually SUCK...but that Austin/UT thing made me want to stick my head in the oven. Nitro wins..hands down, not even close. Now..prepare yourself and make the time, because this week's closer is really a humdinger. The GOOD news is that you may enjoy it. Not that I'd bet the ranch, but it DOES offer a unique idea or two on who should run the NWO now....check it out. Okay....so Hulky may retire, mostly because Bischoff reportedly woke up and realized that "Hollywood" has officially became ratings death and handed the booking reigns over to Nash. Nash is a 90's type of guy who wears FUBU clothes and screams that he is in the House....he is also quick on his feet and is one of the best mic men in the sport. Nash is the new, Hogan is the old...Hogan doesn't like the thought of answering to anyone..and is walking away. BullSHIT!!!!!!! It's a work....plain and simple. It's a plan to get interest back on Nitro...and back on Hogan...plainer and simpler. Here is the scenario as I am GUESSING...(because I DON'T DO PREDICTIONS...F-YOU).. -Bob Ryder breaks the story....Bob Ryder WORKS for WCW, so if they needed a well known "independent" web guy to channel the story through....Bob's the man. (Remember, Bob is NOT BIASED!!!!) -Hogan announces his retirement on Leno and quietly goes about planning his campaign.....even though I HAVE to think that even HE knows that he doesn't have a prayer in Hell of winning.....God, he couldn't be that egotistical can he? -Hogan gets a special farewell segment on Nitro.....maybe. Ross and Lawler make a joke or two. -The Net offers a buttload of Hogan "Retrospective" columns (because even though he really SUCKS!!!! He has done a lot for this sport and should be properly immortalized by these geeks....but more on that later) -So, Hogan is gone.....the wrestling world dries their eyes and moves on...... -The NWO is a ship without a Captain (If Bischoff assumes the throne as leader...then so help me God....I...I...I.....I may have to quit writing this column). -What they need is someone HUGE to jump ship and assume the reigns of the NWO..someone who NOBODY suspects...someone who has a similar History as Hogan did...in order to blow us away much like Hogan did two years ago in Daytona.... -How about Savage? Yeah, maybe....but Savage has switched from good to bad so many times...and he has also been beaten by so many stars..that it wouldn't be THAT big a deal. -Nash and Hall? Yeah, okay.....but no real "oomph" there anymore. -So, that leaves two guys really......Piper and the Warrior. -Roddy Piper would work because he's been such a face for such a long time. Christ, half the Nitro audience probably barely remember him as a heel. Remember how turning heel gave Hogan a career jolt that he badly needed? Piper needs it worse....so, so, so, so much more friggin' worse. besides, a heel Piper might mean a Piper who can bring back that mic work that he's been missing so badly ("Just when you thought, they had all the answers...I change the questions!!", "They said I beat you within an inch of your life!!! Well next week, I'll just go one inch further!"). Piper needs to do something...badly. -The Warrior going heel would be a MAJOR boost for WCW. The shock value alone would skyrocket those ratings to the stratosphere. Of course, then we would have to suffer through a weekly rant by him that would be even worse than whatever Hogan spewed out. Still, his big comeback was a total bust and he's quickly learning that wrestling fans of the "Monday Night War" era demand a little something more than big words and being called "WARRIORS". Time to earn that obsene amount of $$ he's getting. -Okay, so the NWO is back under a new leader (worked for DX on the night after Wrestlemania.....X-Pac came out and things were never the same). Life goes on.... -About a year or so from now...Hogan returns to WCW. Fun time is over and he wants to take back the role as leader of NWO "Hollywood"....thing is...the new Leader (Let's call him "Warper") isn't so hot to hand it over...Bischoff is steamed that Hogan abandoned him....the NWO attacks Hogan and spraypaints on his back....Tony and the boys forget about the last 3 years and hop right back on the "Hulk Rules" bandwagon and Hogan is the mega baby face he once was. Excitement runs wild and ratings blow that RAW crap out of the water. Hogan has once again successfully reinvented himself and all's well in WCW land. That's the story as I see it. I may be wrong, I may be right....but God...it sure SOUNDS like something they would try. Okay (I TOLD you this would be a doozy of a closer), still assuming that he's gonna quit this Thursday....I figured I might as well beat everyone to the punch and offer my own unique retrospective.....a Hyatte "farewell" to Hogan. Since everyone else is doing it..complimenting and praising Hogan for putting wrestling on the map..why don't I weigh in with my send off....no problem...let's go! Hogan sucks..he blows...he's a prick, an a%##ole, a douchebag, and a c-sucker all in one. What did he do to put the sport on the map? Seems to me that Vince McMahon had the vision to go global with the WWF, Hogan just suited his needs as an 80's superhero! What, wrestling wouldn't be popular without Hogan? BULLCRAP!!!! Why couldn't Savage have done it? Or Sting? Sting was WCW's head "Superhero" for the longest time...he could have been recruited by Vince in the early 80's (granted, he was awfully young...but still) and took on the role! No? Then what about Kerry Von Erich? Tall, handsome, muscular....he would have been SPLENDID...and maybe his life wouldn't have taken such as tragic end! Truth is..the job Hogan did could have been done by just about ANYONE...and done even BETTER in the ring. I don't care if Hogan has the Homeless over to his mansion for Christmas Dinner....I don't care if Hogan gives millions to charity....I don't care if Hogan visits Children's Hospitals and gives all the brats a pre-op thrill...I DON'T CARE!!!!!! Hogan used wrestling, and us to make money and launch a bad film career...PERIOD!!! He only cared about wrestling when it served to fatten his wallet. When the WWF hit a fan interest lowpoint, Hulky took off. He came back only if Vince promised him the WWF belt back ASAP....then destroyed Yokozuna in 30 seconds to take it back. When that didn't help with PPV buyrates, Vince made Hogan drop the belt back to Yoko. Hulky was so pissed that a year later he testified against the man who made him in the Steroid trial....AND hightailed it to WCW. Hulk never cared to make a match good..he was more intent on making sure we went to see "No Hold's Barred"....even going so far as to threaten to bodyslam us if we don't see it. The way I see it, Hogan did TWO things in his life that didn't seem to be self serving...he let the Ultimate Warrior and Goldberg pin him...allowing someone else to carry the torch for a while (of course..in the Warrior's case, it was so he could go film a movie....I think it was that one where he was an Alien Warrior on Earth). Other than that...no...he was a spiteful, selfish FU%$ who made us waste countless millions of our hard earned PPV dollars. The prick..I hope his heart explodes due to Steroid abuse. What? Am I being too mean? Fine...then I will do a 180 right now and THANK Hulky for all the good he's done for us... -Thank You Hulk for doing "No Hold's Barred "...I'm sure he was praying that the catchphrase "Jockass" was going to catch on. -Thank You Hulk for giving Ed Leslie Beefcake a much deserved career..oh we all just LOVE him. -Thank You Hulk for showing in on the old WWF Superstars ONLY when it was time to begin pushing a PPV. -Thank you Hulk for Horace...I see him and say HOORAY...he's so SKILLED!!! and his Mic work is INCREDIBLE!! No, he isn't a waste of air time at ALL! -Thank You Hulk for NEVER LETTING SAVAGE WIN A SINGLE MATCH AGAINST YOU!!!!!!! -Thank You Hulk for encouraging Uncle Eric to use more and more airtime!! -Thank You Hulk for those endless monologues. -Thank You Hulk for finding a way to make the Warrior boring -Thank you Hulk for that 16 foot high cage match against Piper last year -Thank you Hulk for that Triple Cage Death Match of Doom at Starrcade three years ago. -Thank You Hulk for ZEUS and/or ZE GANGSTA!! -Thank You Hulk for JUST ABOUT EVERY MATCH YOU EVER WRESTLED IN AND MADE ME PAY FOR!!!! -Thank You Hulk for that Ego that made it virtually impossible to think that you would lose any match. -Thank you Hulk for selling us the notion that the Giant can survive a fall off the Cobo Arena in Detroit. -Thank You Hulk for selling us the notion that the Warrior can magically appear in your mirrors. -Thank You Hulk for ruining the whole idea of the NWO after a very promising start. -Thank you Hulk for THUNDER IN PARADISE -Thank You Hulk for MR. NANNY -Thank You Hulk for SANTA WITH MUSCLES -Thank You Hulk for THE THREE NINJA'S KICK BACK ON DEVIL'S ISLAND!!! Or whatever that FU&^%$# movie is called. -Thank You Hulk for GODDAM ASSAULT ON GODDAM DEVIL'S GODDAM ISLAND!!!!!!!! On TNT (Home of the New Goddam Classics). -Thank You Hulk for telling Bret Hart to F-himself and demanding that he gets the title back. -Thank You Hulk for totally ruining Vader's credibility -Thank You Hulk for telling Eric to do a PPV gimmick with Jay Leno. -Thank You Hulk for humiliating Flair on two nationwide PPV's. -Thank You Hulk for convincing Bischoff that the Horsemen could never take the NWO down. -Thank You Hulk for Cyndi Lauper, Mr. T, Dennis Rodman, Karl Malone, and Jay Leno. -Thank You Hulk for BEEFCAKE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Thank You Hulk for never ONCE taking the time to see what the fans want! -Thank You Hulk for pissing on Andre the Giant's legacy by introducing his "Son". -Thank You Hulk for Savage, Duggan, Bossman, and everyone else who goes where you friggin' tell them to go. -Thank You Hulk for wasting our time more than giving us something to drool over. -Thank You Hulk -F-YOU HULK!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK!!! Kiss my ass This is Hyatte Chris Hyatte
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