Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Another week of this crap begins now...11/25/98 Mop-Up RAW "God, you are so arrogant!" Jay Kirell: In a conversation on AOL Instant Messenger last Saturday "Chris, it's the same sh*t week after week." Spiffy: In a conversation on AOL Instant Messenger last Monday, discussing my column. Nice to see that team spirit has a healthy foothold here at SCOOPSCENTRAL. I am Chris and this is the Mop-Up; a festival of toilet humor, curse words, and plenty of obscure references that only a handful of folks seem to get......but BOY do they love it. I got some opening notes for ya, some recapping, and a HUGE close that discusses this Hogan retirement thing.....including my own send off that promises to be a tear jerker.....emphasis on "jerk" of course. No lie here guys...this week's closer is a MONSTER. First of all, there won't be a World War 3 recap from me. Sorry, but I called the wrong number to order the thing, and ended up ordering a movie on my second PPV channel, the one that runs one movie continuously all day long. So instead of World War 3, I got to re-watch "He Got Game".....the REALLY bad news here is that I wasn't even home for it....the VCR taped a scrambled up WW3. So not only did I NOT get the PPV (for some reason, I'm not all that heartbroken.....I wonder why), I didn't even get to see the movie again....what's even SADDER is that I didn't get to see the cameo appearance of Porn Goddesses CHASEY LAIN AND JILL KELLY either. Alas......alas. Boy, that Jennifer Love Hewitt's got some big titties... Anyone else want to punch her co-star Brandy right in the face? Or is it just me? God Help me...but I think "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is my favorite show now. Which is why I won't be watching or recapping Nitro Extra. Let Zimmerman do it..he's got no life to speak of. Apparently, I like to hump sheep..so if you see me near your livestock, take some duct tape and tape their butts shut. That's supposed to be funny right? I mean, not HA HA funny, but "Oooo look how hilarious I am to say that" funny. Ummm......yeah. Try again, loser. Anyone else think that the entire state of Minnesota woke up one day last week and said, "Dear Lord..what have we done?" Finally.....I'm going on the radio again next Monday, but this time..you can hear it. My boy Rob and his crew are nice enough to have me on again on their "Inside the Squared Circle" show on Boston's WRBB 104.9. They will also have the show broadcast on the INTERNET!!! So you will be able to hear my golden voice as I goof on just about ever Internet guy out there...it'll be a jam session of epic proportions...either that or something will fu&$ up and nobody will hear anything. If you want to check it out go to "Radio Destiny" web site and download their Internet radio receiver. The show will be listed at...(and if Al would be kind enough to provide a URL link up here it would be peachy)... http://www.dice.net/radio/direct.htm If anyone has any questions during the show, the phone number is (617) 373-2658. It'll be this Monday at around 5 PM. Be there..or don't. That ought to do it for now. Time to get to it. No, I'm serious....let's get going, time is a'wastin. I completely serious.....I'm sure you have things to do..and I damn sure do as well, so let's just hop on into it. Think I'm kidding? think I have some cutesy little segue all planned out to put in here? Sorry kids, I'm all tapped out. I got nothing, absolutely nothing to put in here. In the high speed chase of Internet wrestling, I am the clown in the "79 Pinto pulled over the side with the Alternator in pieces all over the road. I tell you, I'm fresh out of ideas...have been since January...in case you didn't notice. RAW IS WAR (or Why Shawn?? Wh.....oh screw it...I saw it coming) -opens with the pre-requisite video compililiatshun dealing with all the recent happenings that have occurred as of late. -Live (Memorex?) shot of the outside of the world renown San Jose Medical Center...located in Cleveland.....oddly enough. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin is there..and he's ready to talk. -Fireworks go off welcoming us to another action packed edition of RAW....which is still WAR too. (Since he quit, would that make Own Hart a "Conscious Objector"?) -Jim Ross welcomes us to the Campus of Ohio State University...and promises a night FULL of surprises to those mouth breathers who don't have access to the Internet and/or NEVER look at the spoilers. -Right off the bat (for the millionth time it would seem) out comes the resident Heel faction of this company...none other than the newly Hyatte christened (and BY GOD, Can't EVERYONE use this name?? Come on Zimmerman! Use it...I've always been nice to you...even though you blow me off on ICQ) the McMWO!!! -Shane comes out, Brisco is out, Slaughter is out, Vincent K. (Maybe I'll get one in this week..maybe I won't) McMahon is out...and the ever frilly Patrick O'Reilly Patterson is out....and I DO mean "out". -Lawler was quick to point out to the ill informed that the purpose here was for Vince to name a NEW Commissioner for the WWF.... -The crew hits the ring and Vince picks up the mic. He starts off by saying that he was NOT behind the brutal attack on Austin last week by the Undertaker and his shovel. He "category" denies any involvement with that incident and reminded us that he does NOT lie....(To which Patterson snapped up and said, "No he don't cowpokes!!! Mr. McMahon does MORE than his fair share of squirming!!!!) -That was weak.....AND IT ONLY GETS WEAKER!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAAAAA -So....Vince discussed this new Commissioner he hired, which he hired to appease the WWF fans....who really didn't have a problem with Slaughter, it's just that the Sarge wasn't spending his 98 sitting at home watching his outrageous salary steadily grow even though he hasn't seen the inside of a ring since March. So he graciously stepped aside and let the new man go through..... -Super Bon Bon Super. -With that, the Sarge received handshakes from everyone in the ring. Patterson took it and mouthed "Good Job last night" to him......then he seemed to....err.....adjust himself ever so slightly. -So, this new Commish will be an "Independent thinker" who will have free reign over each and every WWF Superstar....except for Austin, who belongs to Vince. -Finally, Vince introduced the new WWF Commissioner,...by saying "the ONLY Grand Slam winner in the WWF....even successfully making it past the infamous Patterson Triathlon....the HEART BREAK KID...SHAWN MICHAELS!!!!" -Out comes Michaels to his old "BoyToy" song....Ross had the balls to pretend that this is a total shock to him. -Shawn crotched down for his usual fireworks routine, but he didn't flex his biceps.......guess back spasms kind of put a damper on the whole work out thingy......either that or he's a total pussy now. -Shawn declares that there is a new Sheriff in town....Ross praises the Lord and passes the biscuits. -Wasting no time, Michaels promises that things will "never be the same again", then immediately books his first match for tonight.....which was the Rock defending his belt against X-Pac. -with that, Shawn had the DX theme song play, then sent a few Crotch Chops at all the old fogies and took off. Vince looked like the Velcro straps on his toupee snapped and one wrong move would send it sailing onto Ross's lap. Slaughter looked like he usually does (He don't care about this crap...just give him his paycheck and it's all good), Shane looked like a kid who's going to inherit a gazillion dollar empire and wants to make sure not to piss off the Old man, Brisco just squinted, and Patterson? We-heh-ell, Ol' Pat was calmly watching HBK walk away...watching him stride gracefully down the aisle...just watched, thought about that Triathlon from a few years back......and dreamed......Meeeeemmorieeees, of the pAAges in my miiiiiiiiiiind, meeeeemmmmoriiiiiiies, of the way we weeeeeeeeeere....of the way we weeeeeeeere" -Is it just me or whenever the cameras cut to Ross and Lawler for the first time, Lawler ALWAYS has a looks like his girlfriend's Daddy just showed up with a shotgun in one hand and a marriage license in the other? -big plans for tonight, including a chat with Austin in the hospital.....Ross says that it's a safe bet that he won't be in a very good mood. -Since I proudly claim to have no Clown Luv....and neither should you if you have any sort of intelligence or taste....allow me to run through this....here we go. ICPwassupposedtofighttheheadbangersbutweaseledoutsotheodditiestookthereplaceonethingledtoyourmotherandICPturnedontheodditiesandjoinedtheheadbangersohyeahtheyalsogavelunaonehellofahaircutchoppingitallofftheydid. -see, I told you it would be painless -commercials -past footage of the recent mischief conducted by the one man blitzkrieg known as KANE....the boy is a ship without it's Captain, a cereal without it's milk, a Mop-Up without it's mention of the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!! -The Blue Blazer sails out and hides his face to the crowd.....Ross swears it's Owen Hart......again...which now ties him with Schiavone, who held the record for number of times he was convinced that they fake Sting was the REAL Sting. -Steve Blackman came to the ring (rumor has it, Bobby Walker's lawyers tried to call Blackman as a potential witness...then quickly hung up once he learned of his skin color) to take out the Blazer...which he did in short order..... -Then Owen Hart came in and...well...you know. -I have finally figured it out....the Blue Blazer is none other than BRIAN PILLMAN!!!!! Ha!! I KNEW it was a work! -Footage of yesterday (I think..these pre-taped shows are SO confusing) in San Jose where Austin had a blackout incident conveniently AFTER his match with the Rock...bet'cha a great many of those House show marks went home actually concerned. -commercials Chris Hyatte
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