Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Lord, I can't do this anymore!!!...11/25/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Backstage with Michaels and McMahon. Shawn was overacting. Vince looked like he was re-thinking this whole Bret or Shawn thing and deciding that he may have made a terrible mistake. -The Brood enter the ring to take on D-Lo and Mark Henry...we see footage from last week where that....that....that Chyna IMPOSTER!!!!! glared at Henry during his poem. -The Edge starts off with D-Lo...and it was a pretty good romp for while it lasted. -Then he tagged in Gangrel.... -then they both cornered D-Lo, then they both mounted the second turnbuckle, then they both gave D-Lo a DDT FROM THE SECOND ROPE!!!!! It was a WILD spot. -Ross asked anyone out there to cough up some info on the Brood, because they are NOT talking about their lifestyle......Lawler asked if it could be an "alternative" lifestyle....Ross said, "I don't know...but even if they were it would be a perfectly ACCEPTABLE, HEALTHY, AND RATIONAL CHOICE...AND GOOD FOR THEM FOR EXCERCISING THEIR GOD GIVEN GIFT OF FREE WILL!!!" -Don't look for a Patterson reference in there...'cause there ain't one. -After a pretty good row...which I found myself enjoying in spite of myself.....that Chyna FRAUD came out...which distracted Henry enough for Gangrel to roll him up for the pin. -wait a second.....maybe it IS Chyna this time around....looks more like her than before.. -she had a mic and told Henry that she would "do it"....... -................................ -Y'know............um........ -I'm just imagining the possiblities here and.....well....... -.......I...I never had my pee pee ever back pedal deep into it's shell before.....especially without touching it at all.....but just picturing this consummation......umm.....it's a weird feeling.....is this what sex feels like to a girl? I really should move on.... -We are with Steve Austin in the hospital. A Doctor insists that he take his sleeping pills and get a good nights sleep and he can be released in the morning, but he isn't cleared to wrestle for two weeks. The Dr. told him all this twice...just to drill it into our heads that this is an IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENT IN TONIGHT'S DRAMA!!!!! -by the way, Austin was in a t-shirt and shorts...because Hospital gowns are for FAGS!!!!!!!!! -Ross asked Austin how he feels, Austin responded that he feels like a guy who was just hit with a shovel....jackass. -In the "Kill Two Birds With One Stone" department, the JVC Kaboom Box Slam of the Week just happens to be the whack that Austin took from the shovel....so why not run it now? -commercials -HBK is talking to the remains of DX...everyone seems happy. -Goldust entrevoos into the ring......Marc Mero followed suit....both looked like they would happily drink Bleach for just one meeting with Eric Bischoff. -footage from Heat where Mero dumped Jacqueline on her sweet, sweet chocolate ass.....ooooo I still remember those luscious Nubian titties of hers....oooo yeah. -They start to fight, Mero showed more aggression than he has in months. -You know what this was? This was a match between two guys in the prime of their careers who know each other well....not great, just solid. -Then Terri comes out......wearing a blouse that heavily displayed the bottom of her breasteseseses. -Then Jacky came out......with the tops showing. -After a bit, Dustin set Mero up for the big Shattered Dreams shot...Terri distracted the ref... -Jacky came up behind him and cranked his nuts with the uppercut swing.... -Goldust went down, Marlena put a few boots to him... -then she looked at Mero, gave the Goldust self examination (where I SWEAR I SAW NIPPLE!!!!!!), then booted him in the nads. -Jacky and Terri high fived each other, then took off....I am very curious to see where this is going. -back in the hospital room, Austin gave some young candy striper his autograph...and mayhaps his phone number in the process ("Hey darlin'...ever make it with the biggest thing to hit wrestling since facepaint?") Ross asked him about his "Buried Alive" match with the Undertaker....Austin insisted that he'll resurrect the dead bastard only so he can kill him again. -Ross pumps up the next match, a Hearse pulls up next to the Hospital.....Lawler begins to speculate... -oh yeah, and the nurse reminded Austin that the sleeping pills he just took will knock him out in a few minutes. -commercials -Ken Shamrock hits the ring as we blast into the second hour... -The Big Bossman comes out to join his partner.... -It's a Triple Threat Match for Mankind's Hardcore Title....Ross exclaimed that the Death Knell tolls for Mick on this chilly night..... -Foley comes out....Ross wishes him luck and tearfully calls him the "most courageous sonofaBITCH that ever walked the planet". -Mankind fought gamely, and even enjoyed some moments of control.....being a Hardcore title match, it stayed mostly on the outside..... -When it returned to the inside of the ring.....Mankind ducked in time for Shamrock to kiss a chairshot from the Bossman, then Mankind DDT'ed BBM into the very same chair... -Ross called Foley "the most tenacious sonofaBITCH that ever walked the planet". -meanwhile, Vince and Shane came out to smile, or look worried...whichever expression was needed at any given time. -Bossman tasted the Mandible Claw...Shamrock put an end to that... -Then the J.O.B Squad came out.....Scorpio and Bob Holly dealt with the Bossman as Al Snow frenched Shamrock with Head during Shamrock's application of the Ankle Lock....Shamrock went down, the J.O.B. squad took off, Foley took the pin.... -Ross called Foley the "most lucky sonofaBITCH that ever walked the face of the planet" -Foley ran up the aisle...Vince and Shane ran faster than they did the night Brisco O.D ed on sniffing Turpentine and started running around the Titan Tower Officers with a big sword screaming, "I AM THE BEASTMASTER!!!!! ALLOW ME TO SMITE THAT GIANT RODENT ATOP OF YOUR SKULL, MY KING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -see? I can goof on someone OTHER than Patterson! I didn't say it would be FUNNY....but...you know... -Shamrock attacked Mankind again at the top of the entrance way...the Bossman joined in and they took it backstage. -Ross called Foley a "sonofaBITCH"....he had enough of this. -Yes indeed..there is a Hearse parked in front of the Hospital.....whose could it be? -Oh...okay..it's the Undertaker's.....we know this because he is now in Austin's room trying to smother Austin with a pillow. -then he and Paul Bearer took him to the floor and knock him out with a cloth soaked with Chloroform........ -Those, VICIOUS, EVIL HEARTLESS PSYCHOPATHS!!!! Don't they know that visiting hours were finished HOURS ago? Have they no respect for the other patients? -UT dragged Austin out of camera range.....to sell the drama something fierce...Ross was cut off mid sentence ("WHAT IN THEE....") by some... -commercials -The Hearse takes off from the Hospital...for the first time in my LIFE....I wonder what's happening over at Nitro. -Christian took on Dwayne Gill in a Light Heavyweight Title match. Gill's head looks to be about 3 times too large for his body.... -Scorpio dove on top of Christian mid pin.....guess who is the new Light heavyweight champ? And the newest member of the JOB Squad t'boot? -I have no idea why there is this sudden burst of bookmaking aimed towards Snow's crew....it can't possibly go anywhere can it? -Michael Cole grabbed Dwayne Gill for a few words.....Gill said that this was the greatest moment of his life, other then the time his wife finally popped out their 75 POUND baby boy......I was only half listening. -Well, lucky for the WWF and it's time constraints that the Hospital was located in such close proximity to a cemetery...so now they can do the bit where UT digs a pre-dug hole deeper, Bearer can preach to the Out Cold Stone Cold, Austin can wake up and grab Bearer, UT can grab Austin and choke him, the Chloroform can be used again, then UT can stumble upon the bright idea to embalm Austin alive....you know..THAT bit? -h yeah, personally, I think the whole bit was there just to see how many times Ross can use the word "Heinous" in one breath. -commercials -The Godfather came out with his three Ho's...they were all lovely.... -Tiger Ali Sing came out.....oh Hell...I'll give you the gist because I really am tired -Stephen Regal came out and FINALLY USED THE WORD "SUNSHINE"!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS -It just dawned on me that there is no real reason why I should care about whether he uses the word "sunshine" -Long story short...Val Venis ran in and stopped Regal and Sing from enacting payback on the Pimp Daddy...the Real Man, the Wealthy Arab, the Porn Star, and the Pimp all involved in one giant pile up.......just writing that last sentence is embarrassing. -Backstage, HBK is giving the Rock what for... -commercials -HBK is talking to Earl Hebner...what does he have planned? -Lawler does a fine imitation of Tony Schiavone and says, "What a night it's been JR! And it isn't even over yet!!!!" -The New Age Outlaws come to the ring....Road Dog's voice is fried, but he gives the fans what they expect out of him.... -Then the J.O.B Squad hit the ring....this is the first time I really saw this J.O.B Squad.....I would be totally clueless about them were it not for the Net...it would be nice if Ross gave a little backstory on them...just a bit. -So the match got going...the College crowd amused themselves with a big chant that probably had nothing to do with wrestling -Hey Now!!! Holly learned and developed the Meltdown into his arsenal....watch, in a few months, I'll be screaming that he invented it and Wrath is ripping him off. -The Jobbers scored the pin after mankind showed up and hit Bad Ass with a Leaf Blower..... -Bossman and Shamrock ran in for some payback on these guys...the New Age Outlaws got in some shots too... -Next thing we know, Brisco and Patterson had come out to have a chat with Dog & Ass...Patterson naturally was with Bad Ass...I heard him ask, "So, what can you......squat?" -the Hearse has pulled up in front of a Funeral Parlor. -commercials -Look, I'm sorry..but no....I simply refuse to deal with this in any sort of detail...I wouldn't cover the "NWO Nightcap with Eric Bischoff", I didn't cover anything dealing with Hogan for President, and I DAMN sure won't cover this....bare facts and make your own conclusions.... -Austin is laid on a steel slab, his shirt is cut open, -commercials -UT promised Austin the worse pain of his life...then began to chant.....If you play the tape backwards, you would hear UT say quite clearly, "OH BISCHOFF, MY CONTRACT RUNS OUT IN MARCH! OH BISCHOFF, I OWN THE UNDERTAKER GIMMICK! OH BISCHOFF, I COME CHEAP! OH BISCHOFF BRET AND NASH LIKE ME!! OH BISCHOFF, GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS! -UT raised a large metal rod, (word is that Patterson saw that and fell off his chair in a fit of hyperventilation) and was about to plunge it into Austin... -Kane showed up and saved the day..then Austin woke up in time to keep Bearer from stabbing him...... -This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life.....Ross should be ashamed of himself for hyping this crap up the way he did. -Luckily..they hopped right into the next match....a real good one too.... -X-Pac came out with the New Age Outlaws -The Rock came out with Shamrock and the Bossman -Then Shawn Michaels came out and made everyone not wrestling leave....this is going to be a ONE on ONE affair dammit! -Then HBK took a seat at ringside to watch his first booked match. -Anywhooo.....the match was on and Ross called this night a "Runaway rollercoaster TRAIN!!" Lawler said that not even his oncoming Alzheimer's Disease will make him forget this night...Hell, I forgot about most of the first hour already... -Hard action stuff in the first half....then the Rock snagged a chinlock on X-Pac.... -which cued Vince and Shane to come on out and watch. HBK pointed at them, Shane waved. -X-Pac hit the Bronco Buster, the Rock countered with a Samoan Drop.... -After the Rock went down, Ross took all his objectivity, threw it out the window attached to a brick, and screamed, "COVER HIM!!!!!!! BEAT HIM!!!!!!! PIN MCMAHON'S CHAMPION!!!!!!!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!" -The Maivia pulled out a chair....HBK hit the ring and grabbed it away from him.. -Then HBK cranked X-Pac with the chair...Ross, "OH NO!!! DAMMIT!!!! WHAT THEE HELL!!!!! MY GOD DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!! -A People's Elbow wasn't needed, but it was used anyway... -of course, the New Age Outlaws doth protested...but Shamrock and Bossman were there to maketh sure yon protests went unheard... -It ended with HBK, Vince, Shane, and the Rock giving the Crotch Chop to the camera....I had a beauty of a Patterson joke lined up...but he wasn't there. Okay then....tonight's show had some of the best wrestling action they have ever put out. It also had that whole retarded Austin/Undertaker stuff. It's a toss-up....all resting on what happened on Nitro...so let's go. Chris Hyatte
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