Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

read the RAW Mop-Up first...12/24/98 Mop-Up Nitro Ummm.....errr......yeah....It's NITRO!! yeah NITRO: (or: The Bischoff Show!!! and some wrestling) -You know...I've been doing some hard thinking and yes..maybe even a little soul searching...and I have come to the conclusion that maybe I have been a little too hard on Eric Bischoff. -Yes, I think we ALL have been too hard on Bischoff. The fact is, he isn't even on the air THAT much. He gets decent heat, really good in fact. So if the fans react to him..then why not be a Heel promoter. What the Hell, Vince can do it...why can't he? Besides, all he's doing is selling the angle..it really isn't any sort of ego trip on his part. I mean, it's not like he is doing stuff to pump his own ego. Every time he's on camera it is to sell an angle and get a wrestler over...in and out, quick and clean...so I will give Mr. Bischoff the benefit of the doubt and NOT raise Hell when he comes on air. It's a new dawn at the Mop-Up - The show opens with a 3 MINUTE 55 SECOND video production of Bischoff's rise from WCW Announcer to NWO Heel promoter........... -3 MINUTES!!!!!!!!! -55 SECONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -3 F'K'N MINUTES AND 55 F'K'N SECONDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -I hope this camera hogging pillowbiter gets a cup of battery acid tossed in his face. -RAW wins by the way. -Tony Schiavone welcomes us by calling what we just saw the "Most notorious career in the HISTORY of WCW and the NWO!!!" I guess his Christmas bonus rests on tonight's hyperbole...because Ol' Tone ends up outdoing himself before it's all done. -The Nitro Girls do something with plastic capes, as few of them looked like they were convulsing......DEAR LORD!!!! SOMEONE HELP HELP THEM!! THEY ARE ASPHYXIATING!!!!! -Oh..wait...their just dancing...nevermind. Sure looked like they were seizing -Tony says that they are in the midst of the LARGEST CROWD TO WITNESS WRESTLING EVER(!!!!!!!!) IN THE CITY OF ST. LOUIS.....then quickly mumbles something about how that Survivor Series smut fest last month drew about a hundred people...it only LOOKED big because of tricky camera angles. -Hey kids..did you know that Nitro SET THE STANDARD??? Well they did....Tony said so. -Tony also called that Bischoff epic ("Titanic" was shorter) was 3 and a half minutes long...LIES!!!! I SAY THEE BASE VILLIAN!!!! LIES!!!!!!!!!!! -It really was 3 MINUTES 55 SECONDS!! I timed it. -Good Lord, I could have had sex in that time frame.....twice.....it would have been bad sex.....but it would be no less than SHE DESERVES YOU CRUSTY LITTLE....LITTLE.......LITTLE.....ARRRRRRR -*huff huff*...too early.....tooooo early...relax Hyatte...breathe in...breath out.....innn.....ouuuut....wax on....wax off.....wax off......off....offf.......yeah yeah yeah yeah.......oooooo yeah.....oh ick...all over my blanky.....ick. -ahem...Tony said even thought they REALLY, REALLY tried to find some sort of update on the condition of Ric Flair this past week....they had absolutely no luck at all. But if they were REALLY, REALLY lucky they just MIGHT get and update TONIGHT...PROBABLY sometime between 9-11. -ahem...8:06 pm...EST....NITRO officially becomes the STARRCADE INFOMERCIAL Another great product from Ronco...(LOVE that Pasta Maker...did you know you TOO can make Spinach Linguini at home for just pennies???? Well you can, bucko!) - First hour fireworks blow up. And so it begins.... -TWA Dome in St. Louis is the place for this travesty. -Tony had this to say.... "Fans, I have to come clean about something. Last year, I had a horrible drinking problem. I also smoked, consorted with the wrong women, and ran a gambling debt to about 10 grand. I still have a limp from the day Big Ange and the boys visited me last year. In my despair, I had looked to this sport for comfort, particularly last year's Starrcade. So excited was I about my job, the ONLY good thing I had going for me, that I mistakenly looked upon Hulk Hogan and Sting's main event as the single most greatest spectacle that the world has ever seen and had thought that THAT match would be the one quotient that would bring the world together and FINALLY initialize the utopic vision that the Heavens above have for this great planet. I was wrong. Fans, it's a year later...I'm out of debt, sober, disease free, happily married, and have stopped returning Pat Patterson's phone calls. I am looking at life with a new attitude and clear eyes for the first time in a LOOONG time. I STILL don't remember anything about my time in the WWF. The point is fans, that my sins of the past forced me to look at two false gods as idols....now I know better. Ladies and gentlemen, I sit here wedged in my seat and can proudly, without ANY HINT of shame, that THIS YEAR, THIS STARRCADE will hold the single GREATEST, MOST SIGNIFICANT, MOST IMPORTANT, EPICAL MATRCH IN THE CROSS TIME MULTIVERSE!!!!!! EVERY SINGLE LIVING THING, FROM A PARAMECIUM ON EARTH PRIME TO THE MIGHTIEST GODS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS WILL BE WITNESSING AND JUDGING THE ORDER OF THE COSMOS UPON!!!! Yes fans, Kevin Nash and Goldberg's match will REARRANGE THE ATOMIC SOUP THAT MAKES UP THIS THING CALLED LIFE AND MAKE EACH AND EVERY LIVING THING A MORE EVOLVED CREATURE!!!!!!!!!! -Then he handed Tenay $10 because he bet on San Francisco....the downward spiral begins anew. -I think I am the only recapper on the web that spends so much time on the first ten minutes of this fu*&^%$ show. -Larry Zbyszko threw a Santa hat out to the St. Louis crowd. His ex wife's lawyer grabbed it and screamed, "THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS AN ALIMONY PAYMENT YOU DEADBEAT!" -Tenay called Starrcade the BIGGEST PAY PER VIEW of the year for ALL of pro wrestling...then called Tyson a dumb pussy. -Fit Finlay came to the ring as Tony announced that Goldberg would fight Scott Hall for tonight's main event....Tenay's jaw dropped in total shock that Goldberg would chose to fight ANYONE this close to Starrcade. Tenay answered that Goldberg is "just that type of competitor"....Larry was busy writing another alimony check. -Scott Putski came to the ring....with a big cross on his chest. Ralfus Ryder was too busy squeezing into his cut off shirt to notice...or he would have been RIGHT ON IT BABY!!!!! HE IS MAD AS HELL AND NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE!!!!!! -Putski is one ugly monkey man...... -Hey, what the Hell..it's the season..how about a nice POLISH Joke!!!! -How many Polish Individuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? -Answer: One..because Polish People are just as intelligent as anyone else and to stereotype them in any way shape or form is ludicrous, improper, and completely irrational. We here at SCOOPS do NOT tolerate such discriminatory practices. -Remember, I'm still in the dog house for the last two and a half weeks...I have to tread on some VERY thin ice for a while. -Of course..if they were Polish CANADIANS!!!! IT WOULD TAKE A 100 OF THEM "CAUSE THEY ARE TOO DUMB FOR WORDS!!!!!!!!! -Tony and the kids ignored this match in favor of hyping Flair/Bischoff.....no shocker there......... -......other than the fact that this match was around 25 MINUTES LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Finlay won......if you need a blow by blow of this 25 minute match, then you had BETTER PRAY for some poontang for Christmas....you need it fanboy. -Oooo, ratings tease...Tony promises to reveal the FULL attendance number for tonight's show later on in the show. Get those VCR's ready. -So intense, so action packed, so furious was this match, that they had to cut away from it midway to pay off some of these guys obscene salaries with some... -commercials -Back to the match...Tenay told us scrubs that during the break, we missed SOME OF THE HARDEST HITTING, INCREDIBLY INTENSE, AWE INSPIRING MAT ACTION THAT THE FANS IN THE TWA DOME HAD EVER LAID WITNESS TOO!!!! -Translation: Putski ran backstage to get a quick handjob from Missy Hyatt and Finlay had The Renegade start his car.....IRA 4 LIFE. -Finlay won. looked in the camera, and screamed, "I COULD DRINK BLOODY BONO UNDER THE BLOOMIN' TABLE BY GOD!!!!" -Tony sold the beejezus out of the Evil Eric Bischoff and his dastardly deeds. Too bad the press gives Vince all the props...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA -ANOTHER GOD DAMN BISCHOFF VIDEO!!!!!!!!!! -What is it with Bischoff and kissing girls anyway? Is he supposed to be some sort of stud and we missed that angle? -Ernest Miller came out. Sonny Ono was no where to be found. Tony reminded us that they had no update on Flair's condition.....but he did hear a rumor that the growth on his back was released from the Intensive Care Unit and is back on solid foods. -Miller grabbed the mic and talked about whuppin butt and calling his Momma...nice sign shown that read, "THE CAT IS A FAG"!! I smell my influence there. -Then Santa Clause came out and tossed candies to the lemmings. He threw on at Miller after Miller poked fun at him. One thing led to Dick Smothers and... -VADER!!!! IT'S VADER!!!!!!! VADER IS BACK IN WCW!!!!!! -Nooo..it was Saturn, he drilled Miller. We've seen it before. -opening theme...at 8:30??????????? Maybe they think they can get the truly stupid people to get confused and set their clocks back a half an hour? Give them at least two solid rating quarters before everyone switches to RAW. -commercials -Chavo Guerrero beat Kaz Gesundheit in quick fashion. Poor Chavo, he had a good angle..really cooking...then Eric dreamed up the LWO...now Chavo is reduced to stroking his staff and looking very, very excited...alas, alas..weep for the little "ese". -In case we forgot, Tony reminded us that Goldberg/Nash was just days away......and in case we had remembered that...then he also reminded us that the walking, talking, Starrcade main event screwjob device known as Bam Bam Bigelow was ALSO in this mess... -a video production helped drill it in our heads. -Nash came to the ring....reminded everyone that he used to be a World Champion once for that othercompanythathereallyreallywantstogobacktobuthecant -sohewillmakedowithwhathehasherebesidesheisthebookernowsofyouall. He also predicted that he will win this match Sunday....he said, "It's practically written in stone that I will win....nyuck, nyuck, nyuck". -Well, he said much much more.....it was pretty cool actually...Nash is always entertaining.... -Nash did claim to have "done it all except beat Goldberg".....*cough cough*....Hogan...*cough cough*...Hart....*cough cough*...Austin....*cough cough*.....THE UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ!!!!!!!...*cough cough* -Nash also paid props to Flair....which is as hypocritical as it gets.....(anyone remember that Horseman skit from a year and a half back?)...I'll give you a reminder...."I'll give you something...no, not the beer, the beer's spoken for...I'll give you my spot...no..not the liver spots...MY SPOT. -Nash said the word "ASS" and it wasn't bleeped.... -Tony, "We are on the threshold to the GREATEST match this sport has EEEEEEEEVER seen...SUNDAY NIGHT!!" -commercials -The Nitro Girls are to blame, because they give love a bad name. (BAD 80'S HAIR BAND REFERENCE.......PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND RESTRAIN YOURSELF FROM GOING TO ZIMMERMAN'S RECAP!!!!) -Nitro Parties....one can only pray it's almost over -Raven came out with Kanyon for a talk with Gene Okerlund. How long did Raven have that tattoo on his neck and how come I never noticed it before? -Gene asked Raven about his Mother...Raven said his Moms was a stank Ho who just wanted to do what Judy Bagwell had done before.....and he had no love as a child...what about me...yadda yadda yadda -Then Kanyon started with his schtick,,,and Raven ATTACKED HIM!!!! YEAH RAVEN!!!!!!! KICK HIM DOWN LIKE THE MUTT HE IS!!!!! KICK THAT C-SUCKER FOR EVERYTHING HE'S WORTH!!!!!! YEAH YEAH YEAH GOGOGOGOGOGOGO GO RA-VEN GO RA-VEN GO RA-VEN GO RA-VEN -Then Raven's Momma came out..and she was SHRIEKING LIKE A FRIGGIN' BANSHEE!!!!!!!!! (Good Lord..if I had to live with that...I'd be considering pulling a Cobain too). She talked to him...he whined to her...Gene had the mic right there and he looked like he was reviewing the missing Nixon tapes for the first time. Moms wanted Raven to see a Doctor.....in two weeks, the Sandman will come out in a white coat, a reflector tray around his head, and a stethoscope.......Bischoff has marketed another surefire success.....TAKE A BOW ERIC!!! -commercials -Bischoff comes out to his dazzling theme music that he rightly deserves because he is a huge talent. He hits the ring and begins to speak... -and speak.... -and speak.... -suddenly, I miss Hogan...... -and speak some more..... -Suddenly, we see the Horsemen (without Mongo..who is busy reading "Arabian Nights" to the growth on Flair's back at it's Hospital bedside....Benign Tumors need love too) arrive in the building. Malenko and Benoit lead the way....Arn brings up the rear and grabs Flair and spirits him in another direction...leaving Malenko and Benoit to wander off out of the loop....(if they would ONLY sign that contract...stuff like this wouldn't happen). Meanwhile, RAW is WAR comes on, so I'll catch the rest on the replay. -well I'm back. -Bischoff continued...Flair continued to stomp around the inner workings of the Arena....whoops, wrong turn...whoopsie....the Old Fart was running out of breath! -Suddenly, someone screamed, "THERE HE IS!!" -Next thing we know...the Horsemen are all pounding on Scott Norton. Arn was hitting him over the head and shoulder's with some sort of rod. Poor Arn looked like he was going to drop it...(Hey! I don't lie!). Norton went down....Malenko put his Tongue in the Texas Cloverleaf. -Flair took off again....Bischoff was still talking...it was some good drama here...Flair running around as he hears the voice of his oppressor.....damn shame his oppressor is such a dildo. -Bischoff asked for a moment of silence for Ric...he didn't get it. Flair stormed by some tables....a few hicks couldn't hold back their guffaws. -I already mentioned that Bischoff got that buzz cut specifically so he could look more credible right? Too bad he still looks like he should be renting himself out to sailors on Shore Leave. -Flair eventually found his way out...and ran to the ring...Tony shrieked, "HE'S HERE!!!!!!!" -Flair charged, Bischoff ran..Flair chased..Dr. Tony pointed out that he didn't think a man who had a heart attack could run like that.....then he bet Larry $50 that Flair would catch him...then he asked for a cigarette..... -Flair chased him outside, lost him behind some trucks..then came back....the pop was staggering..he hit the ring and said... "WHOOOOO...BISCHOFF....WINDHAM....ST. LOUIS.....AS GOD...... AS MY WITNESS...AND ......ON THE GRAVES...OF BRUISER BRODY AND DICK THE BRUISER....YOU WILL DIE....TONIGHT...IF I GET MY HANDS..ON YOU...WHOOOOOO" -Let me tell you youngin's' something......in the sport of wrestling...forget about those ECW pussies...forget about Mick Foley....forget about just about everyone....there WAS nobody tougher...there WAS nobody wilder...there WAS nobody meaner...there WAS nobody scarier..then BRUISER F'K'N BRODY!!!!!!!! -And this is coming from a man who never saw him wrestle...not once -Seriously, whether he would be working in WCW, WWF or ECW.....Brody was a GOD...he was also murdered....by a Mexican masked man.......in Puerto Rico.....the Familia giveth...and the Familia taketh away...I can't say anymore..i have a dog to protect. -commercials -Second Hour arrived...Tony mused that Bischoff must be freezing right now in that cold weather....Tony needs to lose an eyeball....painfully. -video spot fest detailing the Giant/Page goings on......they edited out the part where Page said "Hell"......sort of makes you sick huh? -Lizmark Junior lost to Wrath...you really need more? -Fine...it was much longer than it had any right to be...how's that? -commercials -The Nitro Girls do a Christmas themed dance.....okay, fess up..how many of you Cherries have a lump of coal in your pants right now.... -Nitro Party video...set in a Bowling Alley...the nerds reached an all time low -Larry called the bowling team the Polish Falcons....I am so offended I could just SPIT!!!! -Eddie Guerrero comes out with his bodyguard "Estaban"...Tony admitted to being biased tonight....Ralfus was backstage feeling totally alone. Then Tony called the Starrcade main event the "Biggest match we have EVER had....PERIOD!" -Rey Mysterio came out....Eddie told him that he was REAALLY losing his patience with him "Ese bato" -Then Eddie reminded him that he was REALLY losing his patience with him..."ese"...uh oh..he called him "ese"...NOW he's serious! -Since Rey can't comprehende the simple fact that the LWO was bigger than the sum of it's parts....he will have to injury him right now and ruin any shot for the Triangle Match on Sunday....then he said something in Spanish....then he pushed him.... -Then he called Rey's Momma's a "huwaar"... -Then he said that Rey smells like a Quesadillo.... -well that was TOO much.....Rey attacked...it was on.. -Rey dominated for the most part.....with loooooots of rest holds -Suddenly.....Tony got his hombres confused and declared that REY was the one who would "never surrender".....Tony is whiter than Kelsey Grammar -This nonstop action was so intense..that they really had no choice but to break for some... -commercials -but NOT BEFORE Tony pleaded with us to stay right there and NOT to switch channels, less you miss an important development in the ongoing saga that is..the LWO!!!!!!!! Now just you try to switch over to the USA pricks......JUST YOU TRY!!!! -commercials -I don't know what happened...I was watching RAW.....oh sh*t..that's right...I am watching the taped replay...no RAW...no humorous bit...alas....alas -They're still going at it.....isn't it time Heenan joins the fun? -Eddie still owned this match by the way...no offense from Mysterio. -How long was this match? Look at it this way...Tony actually went BACK AND FORTH between covering the match and pushing Starrcade.... -I want verification on this......did it seem to you that Tony and the boys were a bit TOO hopped up tonight? EVERY SINGLE MOVE that they broke away from the Starrcade plugs to cover was highlighted by a voice inflection....a raise in the cadence...a tinge of excitement in their voices...as if this was the greatest action they have ever seen...period...EVERY SINGLE MOVE!!!!! -It's like a Voice Coach was screaming in their headsets.."I WANT MORE PEP..MORE SPICE...COME ON CHICKEN LITTLES..SING FOR YOUR SUPPERS!!!!! I WANNA HEAR THE SIZZLE!!!!!!!" -Did I mention that the Voice Coach was Tommy Tune? Well he was! -Tony, "OH HO HOO..THIS MATCH WILL LEAVE....YOU....BREATHLESS!!" You go boy...do it for Tommy! -Eddie won...I have no idea how...I was too busy catching my breath -the LWO came out...including Villano V (The Body Double) he was just watching....and waiting -commercials -Scott Steiner came out alone as Bobby Heenan joined the party...FIIIIINALLY -Scotty hit the ring as Tony felt the need to point out that if you order Starrcade....you are going to get something SO surprising...SO unique...SO shocking...that you are guaranteed to creme in your pants when it finally arrives....then compared it to the time when Piper walked out at Halloween Havoc 2 years back. OH MY GOD!!!! AUSTIN HAS SIGNED WITH WCW!!!! STUNNING STEVE HAS COME HOME!!!!!!!!! HALT...I SAY HALT THOSE PRESSES!! -Steiner wanted all the women in this STATE of St. Louis (My God..he is an idiot) to know that he is the Mack Daddy of the 411 tip and He likes his Hooches with a little back fat to them....I can't believe they let him say the word "Hooches"...those TNT hicks must have no clue what it means. -Hey Phreaks...Big Poppa Pump is yo' Hook Up...then he ran out and beat the crap out of a fan.... -Then he called out Mark McGuire....obviously to pay back the debt he owed WCW for allowing Goldberg to stroke his big bat and achieve those 100 (or whatever...it was MONTHS ago) homers. -Oh No...that's Buff Bagwell...dressed just like McGuire......this is going to be trouble... -and it was... -HYPOCRITE ALERT!!!!! Steiner and Bagwell made a big issue out of that drug that McGuire took (I have no recollection what the name was and I am too tired to either look it up, or to rewind until I can pronounce it phonetically...and I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER!!!!!!!) This is hypocritical of course...because..well...look at Steiner...the guy is a walking, talking Pharmacy...and I'm sure that Buff has a LOT of "stuff" in him too! -McGuire is also a dumb ass hick..they made that point too... -They ended it by taking McBagwell's baseball shirt and screaming "THIS IS WHAT WE THINK OF ST. LOUIS!!!" Then held the shirt up..... -and held it up some more..... -and some moooooore....boy this got awkward in a hurry -Finally, they ended up burning a baseball cap. I could tell you the details within...but it ain't happening. -Man...this NWO is a joke now. -Tony and the boys officially apologized to Mark McGuire and his family....and to his wife's new husband. The boys went from jacked up to morbidly depressed in the space of a heartbeat.... -BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP TONY FOR HYPING THE GOLDBERG/NASH MAIN EVENT!!!!!!!!!! -Norman Smiley comes to the ring and asked everyone around who their Daddy was....he has a Hell of a feminine voice. -Prince Iacouldkareless came to the ring and it was on...Smiley pretended to Change his Pitcher/Smack his bitch up...and got a darn fine response for his troubles. -Heenan, "Do you like the way Norman does that...." -Tony, "NO!!! I don't want to talk about it!!!!!!" -I can't talk about his wrestling skills? I know we need to sell Starrcade...but.... -This is what WCW considers crackerjack announcer chemistry. -Smiley won quickly...Iahockalooey looked like he really fudged up his shoulder....meanwhile, the Rock is a 26 year old millionaire..... -commercials Chris Hyatte
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