Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
Let's finish this and go home...12/24/98
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Third Hour arrives.....it seems that I'm being visited by the Ghost of Nitro's past, present, and future all at once...it's a LOOONG night.
-Van Hammer came out.....I HATE THIS GUY WORSE THAN KANYON!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS MUTHAHUMP IN MY GODDAM LIFE!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I BEING SUBJECTED TO HIM??????
-Windham comes out....Tony cannot believe that the Barry Windham that he has known all these years is the same idiot who dressed up as the Stalker...neither can I Tony...neither can I.
-Oh thank God...Flair sprinted out there and jumped on BW...and he BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF HIM!!!!!
-Including the most GLARING low blow I have ever seen.
-I have no more metaphors here....and subtly went out the window right around the time when Patterson was grabbed in his nuts...so I'll make this short and to the point.....
"Tony and the boys were so excited that they ejaculated all over themselves while watching this...Tony didn't even have to touch himself to do it."
-I have reached a new low.
-The ass kicking....(and this defines the word) continued...this thing took a while too...no quick run ins here
-Then Vincent ran in...then Arn...then Horace and Brian Adams....then Benoit and Malenko...it was all Horsemen...
-WHERE IS HOGAN??? HOLLYWOOD WOULD HAVE NEVER STOOD FOR THIS!!!!!!!!
-I...I...I have no idea what came over me just then?
-This must be Nash's booking...Bischoff wouldn't let this go.
-Tony, "THIS IS THRE MOST ELECTRIFYING MOMENT I HAVE EVER BEARED WITNESS TO IN THREE YEARS ON THIS SHOW...SINCE 1995!!!!!"
-They took it backstage......and in the parking lot. The Dark One led the UnHoly brigade to break it up...with a LOT of handcuffs....
-Suddenly, Flair was back in the ring with a VERY winded Arn Anderson....(gotta lay off them Corndogs Double A!!!!!)
"BISCHOFF!!! FOR TWENTY FIVE YEARS!!!!! GOOD OR BAD!!! I'VE BEEN A MAN YOU SONAFABITCH!!!! AND GOOD OR BAD....I CAN WALK IN THE DOOR OF MY HOUSE AND KNOW THAT THOSE KIDS...AND THAT WIFE COULD FORGIVE ME FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DID WRONG BECAUSE THEY DEPENBDED ON ME TO LIVE DAY IN AND DAY OUT!!!!!! AND YOU...YOU START OUT COMING IN HERE...YOU PROMISE ME THE WORLD...AND THEN...YOU TAKE MY CAREER...YOU TRY TO SHITCAN THAT..THAT DIDN'T WORK...BECAUSE THEY...RIGHT HERE....40'000 WOULDN'T LET YOU DO IT!!!!!! THEN YOU PUT YOUR LAWYERS ON ME....AND YOU KNOW WHAT...YOU DAMN NEAR BROKE ME!!!!! BUT I WENT RIGHT TO THE WIRE..... FOUGHT YOU..EVERY STEP OF THE WAY...I GAVE IN...I CAME BACK...NOT TO YOU..BUT BECAUSE MY LITTLE BOY..10 YEARS OLD...CAME UP TO ME AND SAID DAD..WHY DON'T YOU BEAT THE HELL OUT OF BISCHOFF AND GET BACK IN THE WORLD!!!!!! HE DI.....HE DID......
-Oh geeze....I'm sick of transcribing this crap....it's GOOD crap...but it is crap...
-He did call Bischoff a bastard for molesting his wife.
-Bischoff came out eventually.....Flair charged...Dillenger blocked his path...Bischoff made them arrested him for crimes of High Treason against WCW...or some other silly shit like that.
-two comments before I wrap it up...
-One: This is working on me...BIG time
-Two: IF FLAIR DOESN'T SHOOT ALL OVER BISCHOFF SUNDAY AND GIVE HIM SOME REAL LIFE PUNCHES!!!!!! THEN HE IS THE BIGGEST PUSSY IN ALL OF WRESTLING!!!! He better BACK up that anger and RAIN down on Eric's wannabe ass.
-Oh okay...3..Anybody else notice how Bischoff's high pitched whine makes it impossible to take him seriously in any way, shape, or form??
-commercials
-Jerry Flynn took a gangsta style buttfu&^ from Booker T. There was some silliness with Stevie Ray...but I fast forwarded through it
-actually..there was NO silliness with Stevie Ray
-commercials
-Kenny Kaos vs Luger....if you really care, I'll e-mail you the results.
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls dance..then it's Konnan's video....I guess since Eric figured he had us by the short hairs...he could plug anything in here now...we ain't going anywhere
-Konnan came out...it's been a long night, Tenay was through with the crap...."I'll come right out and say it, this is going to be the GREATEST STARRCADE EVER!!!!!!!!!"
-Tony upped the ante..."Mike, this is going to be the GREATEST EVENT EVER!!!!!!! And what better way to get us ready for this event, then to offer you people tonight the single BEST NITRO EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-Then Tony said that St. Louis had 42'508 people in attendance...and the Georgia Dome will be even bigger...Heenan said that they should double it. I can't take Nitro anymore...sorry...
-Konnan came out again (yes, he turned around, then came out again..just for me) and added a new burned catchphrase to his arsenal, "Bow Wow Wow Yippee Yo Yippee Yay"...which burned out right around 1995...but don't tell K-Douche
-Disco Inferno came out to progress his angle.....who cares.
-Alex Wright came out.....OH FRIGGIN' JESUS SCHIAVONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-"This has been a historic night for us!!!!"
- "Who would have thought we could top 1997? But here it is, 1998 and we have outdone ourselves!!!!!" For Tony, those ratings are just a bad...bad dream... -That's it..THAT'S IT!!!!! SINCE TONY SCHIAVONE HAS DECIDED TO IGNORE MY WARNINGS...I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO UP MY BOUNTY!!!!!!! PUNCH TONY IN THE FACE AND I'LL GIVE YOU $50.....PRODUCE TEETH AND I'LL BLOW YOU...NOW...NOW...BY GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT.....
-Now...I want someone to peel his daughter's TOENAILS OFF ONE AT A TIME...SLOWLY...PAINFULLY!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE HOW YOUNG SHE IS...SHE MUST PAY FOR HER DADDY'S INCOMPETANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-For ever Toenail you send to me...I will send you a copy of my ENTIRE PORN LIBRARY!!!!
-I won't like it...but I have to...it's personal now.
-commercials
-Wright vs Konnan...THIS IS WORTHY OF THE LAST 15 MINUTES??
-Schiavone is nonstop with those plugs for Starrcade..with as much energy as he had at 8 o'clock. It's his fault what will happen to his kid...I'm sorry.
-Konnan won......Wright freaked out....then tried to hit the ref with a chair....Tony shuddered at the brutality.
-Jericho attacked Konnan... Jericho beat the pants off Konnan with the TV belt....which wasn't tough, seeing how K-Dick's pants were halfway down to begin with...
-commercials
-Disco Inferrno ran to the ring.....and said that he had to prove himself to the Wolfpac....so he challenged someone anyone from the NWO to a fight.....
-Cute line, "I'll take Bagwell! He hasn't worked in eight months"
-The Giant came out...it was just as you would expect...
-Then the Giant grabbed the mic and promised death and destruction to that Page guy
-Then Page showed up in the seats and said...well...just use your heads....I really have to wrap this up.
-commercials
-It's Buffer....THIS'LL get the ratings.
-Isn't it like...11 o'clock now?
-Hall is out alone...he has nothing to say
-Goldberg is out....since he already helped McGuire hit his home runs...his Hebrewness felt no need to assist ANY ONE ELSE in St. Louis.....besides, the time was running short...no time for nonsense.
-Oh Hell, he tapped a young girl on the chin and cleared up her zits in time for the big Christmas Party...the big Lug
-One last plug for Starrcade
-Tony acted like THIS was Starrcade...and anyone watching RAW right now must be mentally retarded.
-Nash showed up before this could go anywhere
-Hell, this really never went anywhere.....
-well, it did for a little bit....
-Oh Jeeze...those Goldberg chants were loud and clear...St. Louis loves the guy for guiding McGuire to home run glory.
-It was a tease...because Bigelow ran out right around the time RAW went off the air..which was about 3 minutes into it.
The show ended.
Raw or Nitro? Nitro or RAW? Nitro had one thing going for it...a Flair/Bischoff angle that WORKED FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER for me at least Based solely on the energy of Flair of course. RAW had 3 GREAT matches...PATTERSON.....and some nasty stuff...RAW was hurting a bit without Austin....it's dependency on him is beginning to show. Nitro had Schiavone...who refused TO SHUT UP!!!! So now I have to get his daughter involved....I'm sorry, but I have to do it. It has come to this now. I'm so sorry. RAW wins...go closer then go home
So, do I do something for Christmas? Some Christmas themed closer to get you ready for the big day in two days? Some little Christmas present for you little dweebs to enjoy while sipping on the eggnog?
Of course not....dumb asses! Haven't you been reading this column? I'm the most bitter prick on the planet....I have no Holiday spirit, no yuletide cheer. Wanna know MY idea of a cool Christmas? Watching Jerry Springer do a show about Christmas with the Klu Klux Klan and seeing some hillbilly come out dressed as Santa complete with the Nazi cross. Of course, they are total idiots, and I'm NOT saying that I support them. I think they are douchebags. BUT...it's unorthodox programming for the Holidays....and it takes MAJOR nuts to put it on. It's Christmas without being Christmassy....and that's what I love.
So what does this all mean? Nothing at all. Does this mean I have something cool for the closer? Heh, not bloody likely. All I can come up with at the moment is something ANTI Christmas. Something to remind ya lucky twits that for every single joyful person walking around completely bubbly with the Christmas spirit, there are about 3 people walking around who have NOBODY to spend Christmas with. There are people who HATE the Holidays because they have no gifts to exchange, no families, no loves, nothing (I can be either one on any given year, depending on my mood). So for all those folks who really hate this depressing time of year...this one is for you....the rest of you can cheerfully blow me...go away, this is for the losers out there. And BELIVE me..it's filled with all the rage I have in me. It's not pretty
THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY THIS YULETIDE YEAR: REAL AND IMAGINED (I make a note of what is true, and what I wish was true)
Little Miss "Thing" Alanis Morrisette: HER RECORD BOMBED!!!!! Crash and burn baby, RIGHT DOWN THE CRAPPER!!!! Critical praise my ass, IT'S ALL FRIGGIN' CHANTING AND REPITIVITY!!! It tanked....God Bless America. Ugly little muff. That's right, I decided, she be ugly too....F-Her.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: She throws up her chow, or at least she LOOKS like she does (ahem). "How Do I Deal" is her song..it went nowhere, even though her boyfriend is MTV VJ Carson Daly, so MTV plays her video. No one cares, her movies bomb too. I'm glad.....little trollup. She'll be blowing movie execs for a bit part in 5 years. Trust me.
Jenny McCarthy: No stranger to getting ripped on by me. This stank beeotch thought she was something special. She thought people liked her COMEDY TALENT...and not her titties. Her TV show failed, she can't act..and to top it off, she's getting FAT!!!! HA!!! I hope Movie execs let her blow them, and STILL reject her.
Bischoff: HEAR THAT SOUND YOU LAME-O JERKOFF??????? It's broken glass!!!! HEAR THAT GLASS????? THAT'S AUSTIN'S THEME MUSIC..THE GUY WHO YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO MARKET!!!!!!! He almost single handily kept the WWF alive until they reached a point where they can kill your ratings even WITHOUT HIM!!!! And yeah, you also ruined Sting's career, although he DID help you do it. You are a LOSER BOY!!! A lucky loser..but a LOSER NONE THE LESS. I hope some ex-con with braids in his hair rapes him and makes him squeal like a pig. (okay, this one is imagined)
Goldberg: It only took one year for those "GETTING OLDBERG" signs to come out. And they really couldn't get the crowd to do that chant without piped in help could they? HA!
Y2K: Personally, I hope it's worse than anything they are predicting. I really, really want to live in a Kevin Costner mega bucks movie plotline. WHERE I WOULD RULE!!!!!!!(Imagined)
Hogan: Still waiting for juice abuse to make that heart explode
Ultimate Warrior: What's the matter dickface? No one cares anymore??? GOOD!!!!
Duggan: Admit it...is IS nice NOT to see him on TV anymore. He'll be fine too, so don't give me sh*t.
Clinton: Kennedy wannabe......I'm glad he was too stupid to hide anything.
Hillary: The worst possible representative for women. Her husband cheats on you? Forget about it and publicly support him. He may as well be abusing her. (imagined)
My ex girlfriend...WORTHLESS HOOVER!!!! ENJOYING THOSE FOODSTAMPS THAT YOU NEED TO FEED YOUR NINE KIDS FROM THAT LOSER THAT'S BANGING EVERY STINKHOLE IN RHODE ISLAND??? I HOPE YOU GIVE BIRTH TO OCTOPLETS AND THE PRESS IGNORES YOU!!!!!! AND SOME VAGINAL WARTS WOULD BE NICE TOO!!!! (imagined.....dear Lord, is it EVER!)
The boys at C-Block....I hope you all do NOT get paroled. I don't need you getting out and coming for me. Yeah, you know who I mean. (Imagined?? maybe...MAYBE NOT!!!)
Shane Douglas: Your company is sinking, and you've burn so many bridges in both companies that they would NEVER let you in. You also are the most cocky douche in the sport. You really have no talent either. Bye bye...enjoy med school.
Scott Hall: Think HE'LL be depressed for the holidays? Think HE'LL be boozing?
Ahmed Johnson: Would you check the oil please? And be sure to top off that tank. (imagined....but a safe bet)
My Mother: She died four years ago. Now I can't even masturbate without feeling her eyes on me. She dies and I'm the one in Hell. Go figure.
Al Isaacs: Happy Hanukah AND Merry Christmas AND Happy Birthday!!! Still mad about the last 2 and a half weeks boss?
SCOOPS Writers: The time MAY come when I decided to take Al up on his offer and become editor of the entire SCOOPS writing staff. Believe me....the house cleaning will NOT be pretty. I have too many GOOD writers who want in (I haven't forgotten about you Steve Michaels) and too many...well, figure it out.
Speaking of which....why does EVERY SINGLE recapper have to be some sort of humorist? Not just here, but EVERYWHERE now?? Jesus Christ....JUST GIVE THE RESULTS AND DETAILS. I don't want to use the "ripoff" word.....but.....geeze. The Thunder recapper is okay tho', he can keep doing what he does.
Remy "The Slammer" Arteaga: A good man who has the ability to edit my stuff out on a whim. Best to stay on his good side. He's a great fella. He's also the reason that SCOOPS NEWS update I did was a little uneven (and I am being VERY generous here). Remy rules...GOD BLESS REMY "THE SLAMMER ARTEAGA
That's enough. I even kept it pretty mellow...sort of. Aw Hell, maybe I do have a little Christmas in me. What the Hell....Ho Ho (pattersonisa) Ho(mo).
But that does NOT mean that you can e-mail me and wish me a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, or ANY OTHER SORT OF SEASONAL WELL WISHING!!!! I hate it!! You don't know me, you don't care. All you want is for me to produce this stupid column once a week and give you a laugh or two. Don't pretend to give a crap what I'm doing or how I live...F-YOU!!!! You know, once I was talking to a SCOOPS columnist on AIM who bragged, "I MEET my fans"....I didn't say anything, but I thought.."what a fu*&^%$ assh**e"! "My fans".....he writes a crappy column on the WEB!!! Maybe people like him, maybe they don't...but HE WAS ACTING LIKE A FRIGGIN' STAR!!!! Egotistical jackoff. We columnists have no fans..our WORK does. Trust me, if someone could write the Mop-Up and use the name Chris Hyatte, you shlubs wouldn't know the difference...same thing with Big Steve in Jax, Inked, Air 2 Dope, Zametti, or even Al Isaacs. You just want to read something..you don't give a crap about us...you don't care about ME!! WELL WHAT ABOUT ME?? WHAT ABOUT HYATTE???
Of course...anyone can write like me for a week or two...but after that....you guys could tell the difference. Kind of like Xeroxing a Xeroxed Xerox...after a while, you realize that this isn't Hyatte. Every other columnist could be replaced forever and you wouldn't notice.....but not me......it would take a week or two..but you'd notice
What the F**k was the point again? Oh yeah...DON'T WISH ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! You don't care so don't pretend. I sure won't do it to you, Hell, I may just tell you to F-Off.
I won't do it...I won't, I won't, I won't
Oh F-IT....MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU BASTARDS!!!!! F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU
You all suck.
This is Hyatte (would someone PLEASE play with my Yuletide Log?)
Chris Hyatte
Go To Page 1