Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

The game begins again...12/24/98 Mop-Up RAW "At this point, I'd settle for having Hyatte get on my case again." Rick Scaia: Finally (sort of) admitting that he reads this column...and he maybe even enjoys it t'boot. "You suck." Farouk Chakwa: fchakwa@gte.net....a loyal Mop-Up reader welcoming me back Hey there monkey spankers! I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. If everything goes the way everything should go, this thing is gracing the pages of SCOOPS right on time on gosh darn WEDNESDAY!!!!!! How'z about that huh? On time for a change!! Sort of...I mean this thing should be posted on Tuesdays after all...but...umm...yeah. Major opening notes to kill time while I think up Patterson jokes for the week. First of all, there WAS a Mop-Up posted last week....most of you read it I hope. It was posted on Friday, so it's perfectly understandable if you didn't. Wait, there is more.... The thing is...and I have to be VERY delicate with this right now, out of respect and the request of the SCOOPS people (Yes, it's more than just Al who is involved with this site..it's a whole big thing now).....a MAJOR chunk of last week's Mop-Up was edited out a day or two after it's posting...like the ENTIRE CLOSER. Apparently, someone didn't like what I was implying in said closer and screamed bloody murder. I'm sure you can figure the rest out..and trust me..I am simply BURNING to spend pages and pages ripping this hypocrite's ass...but I can't...for now. I was asked very politely by SCOOPS to remain quiet about this and just let it go. So I will (in case you didn't notice, I blew them off for the last two and a half weeks, I have to make some amends and kiss ass for a while). For now, I won't say anything...but trust me....sometime in the next few months, I WILL revisit this topic...and I WILL have things to say..and I WILL expose this whole retarded affair and raise bloody Hell about it. It should be a way cool way to kick off 1999...stay tuned! Oh yes, SCOOPS DID agree to let me e-mail last week's Mop-Up to anyone who wants to read the unedited edition. So if you want it, I'll mail it to you. Me, Chris Hyatte...private citizen....will send you the Mop-Up that SCOOPS REFUSED TO POST....so it has nothing to do with them..see what I'm saying? Dig it? Good, let's move on. By the way....let's grow up a little shall we? Mankind/Mick Foley simply does NOT deserve to be Time's Man of then Year....neither does Hank the Angry Dwarf. Honestly, Monica Lewinsky should have gotten it...can you think of another chubby girl who caused so much controversy in just a year? She practically split the nation apart. Get your heads out of your asses marks, not EVERYTHING can be about wrestling. PWI ran their "Top 50 Most Beautiful People in Wrestling" in the latest edition. The majority of which are men in suggestive, seductive poses. PWI's base readership are young males ages 10-18. When I flipped to the page of the NWO's Vincent leaning against a wall with his jean jacket opened and no shirt on, staring sexily into the camera...I can only think of one (or two) thing(s)... IS STU SAKS ON DRUGS???????? HOW CAN BILL APTER SLEEP AT NIGHT??????? (by the way, I have NEVER spoken to Bill Apter in my life, and if I did, I damn sure wouldn't try to be cool and brag about it like some sort of jerky tool.) Jesus Christ...even the TRADE MAGAZINES ARE GOING HOMO!!!!!!!! Read the web kids and stop buying that crap. I mean come on...it's a joke. They don't even break kayfabe. I mean, www.sabu.com was less gay. Of course, my services are ALWAYS available to them.....a little Hyatte column for "Inside Wrestling" would boost sales WELL into the dozens....mostly because I'd push the sh** out of it every week, AND even the people who hate me the most would buy a copy to see what I would say. I am such a whore. By the way if Ralfus Ryder ever uses the word "Ho" again, I am putting a gun to my head and ending it all. Umm, let's see....oh yeah..two more things, then we're recapping.... I didn't see that Bret Hart thing because I was out working my mojo on some scrag with a big ass....(I went home with blue balls)....I wanted to see the uncut version, but I guess I haven't done enough for this site to get the tape for Christmas.....oh well. Finally, I have to throw in something for Christmas here. No, I won't do one of those lame, unfunny bits that everyone is doing and guess what wrestling personality will get from Santa, (that alone is a Hell of a gift to all of you). No, I have two Christmas gifts to give out. I give these out because....I don't know, I just feel like it...f-you. First, for any and all fans of Shawn Michaels.....go to http://members.tripod.com/MichaelsCustoms/ It's filled with pics and wallpaper stuff. I do this because the girl who wrote to me is a 14 year old named Brandi who promised to be indebted to me forever. I'll come looking to collect when she hits 19. I would say more.....but she's only 14 and I ain't Elvis. The second gift is to Sean Shannon. I won't make fun of you this week, nor will I take credit for running the NWWWO off the web...even though everyone knows I did. Nope, I won't say it...I won't, I won't, I won't. I won't score another "W" in the books for Hyatte...I will NOT!! Merry Christmas. Okay, let's get going. It may be the same crap week after week, it may be crude, it may be unfunny, it may be the ONE COLUMN ON THE WEB THAT EVERYBODY HATES TO LOVE BUT THEY DO ANYWAY!!! (I get a lot of this..."Hyatte sucks for the most part, but I can't help but laugh at his ((Villano/Patterson/Goldberg/whatever)) material.") Yes indeed, it may be ignorant, tired, lowbrow, worthless, and toilet spewing dreck.....but by God, it's OUR ignorant, tired, lowbrow, worthless, and toilet spewing dreck...and nobody else can touch it. Drop those pants and start the stroking pre-pubes, because it's time once again to start poking around for the g-spot that is Monday night.....let's see if Hyatte can find it for a change...or even hit the right hole? RAW IS WAR (or Gerbils? Whatever could they be doing with Gerbils?) -opens with footage taken just MOMENTS AGO!!! So long as those moments were last Tuesday. Of Vincent K. (The cold weather keeps the Toupee "Christmas Fresh") McMahon outside surrounded by his troops. Shane McMahon was there, Gerald Brisco was there, and of course..the ever buoyant Patrick "Daniel Day & Night" Patterson was there. Vince was steeping into his Limo, eager for a late night workout session in preparation for the Royal Rumble. He'll be working the pecs....the toupee will be doing legs. He told Shane that he's giving him the house to run...and to be cool. he also told Patterson and Brisco that if Shane should fu*& up, he will hold them directly responsible. Patterson perked up on the "holding you directly" part and ignored the rest.....(Dear Lord..we have a looooong way to go tonight). He also promised some sort of "Big Christmas Bonus" for when he comes back........(all in good time my pretties...all in good time). -The Limo left and Shane immediately turned to them and said, "I got as lot to do, let's go!" He ran, Pat and Brisco chased after him...Pat MAY have goosed Brisco as they ran...it was dark....I couldn't see.....alas, alas. -opening theme. -Fireworks welcome us to The Generic Arena in Anywhere U.S.A..... -Then Michael Cole makes us reach....nay...GRAB for the mute button by screaming that RAW is "The Best Action Adventure Series on TV"......(F*^% "Martial Law" and that fat Jackie Chan rip off). -As is the theme for the past 100 weeks, the first order of business is to set the storyline for the rest of the week....so out comes... -Shane (I am the most resented person in this company) McMahon, Shawn (I ain't hurt....I just stand ramrod straight because of this steel rod up my ass) Michaels, Patrick (Steel??? Oh you flatter me homeboy!!) Patterson, Gerald (Damn those lights are always in my eyes) Brisco, Rocky (Prince Iaukaia can blow me) Maivia, Big Boss (I'd eat sh*t on live TV so long as I don't have to go back to Bischoff) Man, Ken (Bust my balls Hyatte and I'll grind every bone in your body to dust) Shamrock, and Te(I get more trim than anyone else here)st. Slaughter is not there......thank God "cause I had nothing for him. -Shane barely has time to speak when... -DX comes out. Hunter Hearst (God, I hope they never find those pictures) Helmsley, Billy (My jaw can survive a Nuclear Holocaust) Gunn, Jesse (Lords help me, I miss hanging out with Double J) James, X-(I had my head dunked in the toilet about 50 times when I was a kid...about two years ago) Pac, and Chy(Nicole Bass is a man)na. Triple H tells Shane that "He may have keys to the kingdomaaaaa, but DX...we've got the keysaaaa (he actually groaned while saying that....visibly disgusted at this script) to the Boiler Roomaaaa".... -Man(of the Year? Are you shi**ing me?)kind comes out smiling. Shane demands that they cut his music off..he demands and demands some more..then stares right at the camera guy and tells HIM to cut the music. The camera guy looked at him and said, "Que? Me no know how to do deese Senior! Me need dese job...what you wan me to do?" The music went off anyway..... -That was totally disgusting....and not even a bit humorous. I feel so ashamed. -Shane called DX the "Bad News Bears" of the WWF...does that mean they are going to get a reluctant Walter Matthau to coach them? Is Tatum O'Neil going to pitch for them? WILL THEY GET TO PLAY IN THE ASTRODOME??????? -Trip H called Shane the "biggest assh**e on the WWF"....Cole acted like he just called Austin a Goldberg rip-off. -The fans chanted "ASSH**E"...Shane awkwardly thanked them for the compliment. -Time was waning and Flair was chasing Bischoff right into ratings nirvana...so they got to it. Shawn Michaels, who was wearing a Santa Hat with the top of it hanging down on it's side so that the white ball on top was bouncing against his face......why do I get the feeling that it wasn't exactly a new experience for HBK? Shawn set the main matches for tonight... -Bad Ass gets Shamrock -Road Dog gets the Big Bossman -Triple H and X-Pac gets the Rock and Test -Patterson gets five minutes alone with "Chip"....the WWF's new, "curious" stage hand. -Then Shane said that because Mankind had put his hands on Vince McMahon last week, he wants a little payback..so he challenged him to a match later tonight. -Mankind said, "Shane, in response to your little challenge, I have this much to say......AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA -Trip H joined in...."BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA" -of course....Foley accepted that "sniveling little silver spoon sucking sissy's" challenge...then took off to spit shine Shane's shoes....(Mick's mortgage is due...and his kids want Playstation for Christmas) -DX told them to "SUCK IT"....Mankind came in too late...very awkward. -anyone else think Bad Ass and Chyna are trying real hard to look like a couple? -anyone else think Patterson........oh...nevermind....plenty more for later. -Cole told WCW to go F-Themselves by bragging about Austin's spread in People Magazine....conveniently forgetting that Goldberg had two full pages in the same mag a week or so ago. -Of course, People didn't call Goldberg the BIGGEST SUPERSTAR IN WRESTLING HISTORY like they did for Austin....they called Goldberg the "BIGGEST JEW IN WRESTLING HISTORY"...sorry Steve...go convert and try again in about a year -commercials -Mark Henry and D-Lo were conferring outside a door about getting a little sumptin' sumptin'......Bob Ryder suddenly got a little butterfly in his stomach... -Gangrel comes out and spits his blood......Isn't this kind of how Rock Hudson died? -Al Snow came out with his Head.....Isn't this kind of how the LOD's career died? -They get it on..... -and who should be officiating this match but none other than TEDDY LONG!!!!!!!!! -Those who presume to be "in the know" have said that Long was picked up by the WWF because he "fell out of favor" with WCW because of that "dismissed" Bobby Walker lawsuit...("dismissed" my ass......affidavits are being submitted, depositions are being taken.....appeals are being filed.....Walker has put a down on a new car stereo system....IT'S NOT OVER YET BABY!!!!!!!! This time..Bobby Walker will put THE SYSTEM ON TRIAL!!!!!!!!!! IT'S TIME TO FIGHT THE WHITE MAN ON HIS OWN TURF!!!!!!!) -anywhoo....Long may LOOK like a referee.....but believe me...he has other plans for the World Wrestling Federation...oh believe you me......he has plans. I'd say more but...I have to have material for next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that......OH GOD!!!! IT NEVER STOPS!!!!!!! -Snow won, then ended up covered it watery blood.....it's up to you to get from point A to point B -commercials Chris Hyatte
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