Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

It only gets worse...go away...12/24/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -during the break......the Job Squad watched as Snow flipped out about being covered in blood...he was screaming, "NOT AGAIN, NOT AGAIN".......there is a Patterson joke in there that I simply do NOT want to go to. -Bad Ass Billy Gunn came out and screamed about "sucking it"......My God..he really is a handsome man. -What in all that is Holy is the matter with me? -Ken Shamrock came to the ring....simply refusing to "suck" anything. -That didn't stop the fans from screaming, "Shamrock sucks!" -That didn't stop Lawler from screaming, "Shamrock does NOT suck!" -That didn't stop Patterson backstage going into his gym bag and pulling out some "Ecstasy" and screaming, "OH WE'LL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT MISS THING!!!" -That didn't stop Hyatte from....from.....oh none of your friggin' beezwax...how's that? -They locked up truly -They did a little mat wrestling cooly -They traded take downs duly. -Whatever happened to Jeff Giloulli? -I can't think of anything else that rhymes with "uly" -The crowd was really into this....and it was a good row....old fashioned with enough 90's athleticism....my kind of match. In fact, let's just watch it together and enjoy it. Without comment... -........................................ -..............................ooo..nice shot.................. -................ouch, that had to hurt................. -............................................ -........................OH GOD BILLY!!!!! SHAMROCK IS SNAPPING!!!! -LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!..................ooo, nice comeback............. -....................................... -...........................ooo, almost a 3 count........... -.............................. -.............VICTORY ROLL!!! LOOK OUT BAD ASS!!!!!! -HE REVERSES IT...ONE!.........TWO!............THREE!!!!!!!! -WE HAVE A NEW IC CHAMP!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!! THE NEW CHAPTER IN BILLY GUNN'S CAREER BEGINS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! -Oh drat, that nasty old Shawn Michaels just came out and said that this wasn't an IC title match...Shamrock gets the belt back...no soup for Gunn. He did get to moon Michaels, who made a stinky face....then Shamrock clotheslined him...but he got back up. Michaels slid out of there as if he had the back of a 18 year old body builder. -Hell of a match, you should have saw it. -We see Hawk pacing backstage. -commercials -Hawk comes to the ring. he has a cast on his arm and a banged up mouse under his eye. I took a good look at the cast...I saw this inscription..... "When it comes to the Hershey Highway, I will forever be your Road Warrior! Love P" -I just don't know...nor do I want to find out. -Hawk is in full "Hawk" mode...and has also lost a good chunk of his gut!!! -"WELL, It's time to to let the cat out of the bag! The dark deep little secret of Droz and mine!! You see Droz...he's the PUSHER MAN!!! He's the ENABLER!! I don't have to cover for you anymore Droz, because I'm clean!!! I've been that way for some time and I like it! It was a good little plan! make me...undependable in Animal's eyes, sneak up, and take my job! You were the DOPE PUSHER..and I was the DOPE!!...." -Lawler: "Dope pusher??" "...and nobody regrets it more than me! And when I heal up...OHH....when I heal....LOD stands for Legion of Doom...and Lords of Discipline...and boy....when I heal up...I'M GOING TO DISCIPLINE THE HELL OUT OF YOU!!!" -Lawler, "DOPE PUSHER???" " Hey, let me tell you something....the best way to fuel a fire that's gone wild..is with HAT-RED..and I have plenty of HATE for you..." -By the way...Droz was there by then..and attacked right on cue. Animal ran in and threw him off. Droz left, Animal looked unsure..and Hawk looked better than he has in years...no lie. -Lawler delivered what I would certainly qualify as one of the LINES OF THE YEAR when he said..... "Wait a minute, there are no drugs in the WWF! There's just Rock and Roll....sex maybe, but..but..but no drugs!!!!" -Ladies and gentlemen..when I tell you that line completely drenched my poor doggy in a mouthful of Sprite (no beer this week..saving coin for a Christmas Eve shopping bonanza...I figure it'll take me 4 hours to find two gifts) and sent him scampering deep underneath the bed....you simply must believe me. -Incidentally...so Droz is the one they call Dr. Feelgood? Is he the one who'll make us feel all right? Is he the one we call Dr. Feelgood? Is he going to be our Frankenstein? (BAD 80'S HAIR BAND REFERENCE: PLEASE REMAIN SEATED AND ALLOW THE PILOT TO RIDE IT OUT..THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE!! IF YOU FEEL ILL, PLEASE REFER TO THE WASTE BAGS PLACED CONVIENENTLY UNDER YOUR SEAT!!!!) -Mark Henry and D-Lo are still in front of a door. D-Lo can't believe Mark is going to go threw with this....Henry knocks on the door. Terri Runnels and Jacqueline poke there heads out and tell Sexual Chocolate that they are ready. he goes in and D-Lo looks....umm....disturbed? -Lawler, "OH....MY....GOSH". -commercials -Steve Blackman comes to the ring...Teddy Long was in the ref. He took one look at Blackman and said, "Waaaait a second...you ain't....but your....I thought Black....and..Man was the.........but....oh DAMN"..then stormed off. Another ref took his place in a hurry. -The Blue Blazer charged in. Cole acted like he didn't have the script in front of him..... -Then Owen Hart came out with a mic....he said there was a "little Blue Blazer in all of us"....and that Blackman was a liar. -Owen took a seat at the announcer table and said that his "unmasking" last week as the Blue Blazer was a doctored work of the video tape.....Lawler closed the case... -Cole re-opened it and pointed out that last week's show was NOT taped, it was live...the moment of silence from Owen was priceless....then he told Cole to "take off"..then he called him a Hoser and drank a beer eh. -The Blazer was Jarrett....we found that out after Owen and Goldust interfered.....the ref threw the match out. -Backstage, Jacqueline and Terri were in tank tops and feeling up Henry....Terri promised a 7 course meal tonight from "soup to nuts"...(Patterson is bringing the cheese.....don't even ask). -BUT first, they wanted to take a shower..... -commercials -someone jumped through time and saw that Nitro took the first quarter hour of the head to heads....so they replayed the opening scene of Vince leaving. -In case you didn't know...(Oh..you didn't know?) Road Mutt came out and encouraged us all to reach out and touch somebody.....(insert bad Patterson joke here). Because of him, we were treated to a chant of "SUCK IT" for the third time. -Here comes the Big Boss Man..eyes darting about..always looking out for those nasty NWO people. -Road Dog started to taunt Big Boss Man...in order to get him to put up the Hardcore belt.... -"Now, I happen to be from Cobb County and I have a good looking Cousin who spent time in the facility there..and he said that at night time, you boys got funky with those nightsticks there!! It's just a shame that you are too chickensh*t to put that Hardcore belt up..." -Bossman grabbed the mic and used the word "Hard Time" about 10 times in 15 seconds...he misses this gimmick. -Don't be looking for any sort of commentary about my own personal stay in a Federal pokey....thankfully, I blocked most of it out and simply refuse to try to bring it up for your amusement....my personal pain will NOT be fodder for your entertainment...uh uh....no way....F-YOU I WILL NOT RE-TRAUMATIZE MYSELF JUST SO YOU LEMMINGS CAN HAVE A LAUGH!!!!!!!!!! -That's not to say that you actually laugh at this. -Anywhoo..the Hardcore belt went up and it was on.... -You know, Bossman is wrestling better than he has in YEARS....he's pretty much adjusted to the 90's. -one of them ate a tray... -the other one ate some steps... -then the first one ate a bucket.... -Then the second one ate the tray again.... -Then it went outside...Road Dog took a GREAT hip toss into a Technician table that HAD to be there for that single purpose alone. -Back to the ring, Bossman produced a belt.... -Then he produced some white powder of an unknown origin.....Road Dog kicked it back in his face.... -Back into the seats, the first guy hit the second guy with a fan...a mechanical one, not some loser. -The first guy...oh F-it...Bossman then began to choke Road Dog with a noose. -Road Dog had some blood in his mouth. -Bossman had a trash can jammed on him... -That damn noose was still a problem for Road Dog... -Mankind showed up with a net...he tossed it on the Bossman, then hit him with a retractable stick..a huge chunk of white flew out of Bossman's mouth. Road Dog laid on top of him and won the Hardcore belt. Bossman was so whacked out on whatever that powder was that he took a snort full of (Jesus, talk about grammatically retarded), he started to wobble around trying to catch some sort of white bunny in a red tuxedo that was eluding him...he was SURE the bunny was working for the NWO...GO GET "EM RAY!!!!!!!!!!!! -commercials -back with the kids backstage. Henry's shirt came off....they went for the pants. Terri, "Just thinking about Sexual Chocolate gets me............line?" -someone off camera...possibly Pat Patterson, judging from the jealous bile in his voice..."GOING...dumb tramp" -"...going!" Then they pulled off his pants....showing off some red boxers that could be used as a screen should someone (Patterson) want to see the wide screen version of "Titanic"...because that Leo is SO FIIIINE. -The girls put a studded collar on Henry.... -They brought him to a massage table..and made him lie on his stomach...they rubbed....errr....rubbed... -......ummm....... -...ummm....are you kids old enough to be reading this? While do I feel like a porn dealer? Why do I feel like I'm writing to Penthouse? -They roll Henry over...FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH...DON'T YOU DARE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE HIS RAGING BONER!!!!!!!!!!! -wait a second...where is it? What is he...a FAG???????? -Terri puts a Red Ball around his mouth........ -Terri puts whipped creme on him and...and...and...Oh Sweet Enola Gay..... -she licked him.....oh boy......umm......then she dangles a vibrator in front of him -rewind -rewind -rewind -OOOOOOOOOOHHHH YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS -Oh crap..not again......icky icky icky....right on the "E" key too...God. Jesus Hyatte...get a towel would you...do you want to gunk up the.......it'll NEVER wwork noww......great...it's stuck noww....crap. -D-Lo started doing pushups...just go with it dude.... -commercials -Remember in the early 90's when MTV ran those Dennis Leary spots where he ranted about Cindy Crawford? Well Double J gets the same treatment. He's got a problem with semen stained dresses.....I have a problem with semen stayed computer keyboards...it's a personal cross of mine, but I bear it well. -Pat and Brisco were trying to talk Shane out of fighting Mankind. Brisco was bitching about the Christmas Bonus...Pat screamed, "Ooooh, squinty.....just you wait Mr. eager Beaver....I'll get your chestnuts roasting on the open fire...in a liiiiitle while". -Terri and Jacqueline...mostly Terri...Jacky seemed to be a real drag....blindfolded Henry, then tied his arms and legs to the table. -By the way....Henry had some sort of white matter on his upper torso.......this...this....Oh Lord Almighty...the man could....he....UMM....... -.................................. -...................................... -.........................I...I...I have no idea what to say. Other than I'm sure the 14 year old marks of the world suddenly ran...nay....HAULED ASS to the nearest bathroom......never before have so many kids in unison screamed, "NOT NOW MA...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD..NOT NOWWWWWW" -The Acolytes took on the Job Squad...as if anyone cares right now. -Cole mentioned that Terri is pregnant right now....well, if she wasn't before, judging from that Henry....err...discharge...she is now!!! -Be honest, how much would you pay to se the look on Dusty's face when Terri brings home THAT child? -Shane and the troops were jogging towards the ring..... -commercials -Shane came out.....with Patrick and Gerald.....they were still arguing with him about this -Mankind came out. the bell rang. -Brisco distracted Mankind...Shane pops him with a left... -and he gets off another one.... -and some more...followed up with some crosses... -The Corporation came out and stayed at the entranceway...Shawn held the Rock back. -Mankind rebounded and dropped Shane with the Double Armed DDT... -Mankind grabs a chair...Patterson screamed, "SET THAT THING UPSIDE DOWN AND NOW YOU'RE TALKING" -Mankind also had the mic....he heaved up the chair and told Shane that he had a "Christmas Surprise for youuuu" -Then he handed Shane the chair and told him to "grow some balls and lay me out you gutless coward" -Shane whacked him...Mankind pulled a Goldberg and refused to sell it. -Foley corners Shane and proceeds to wail... -Here comes Pat.....there goes Mankind out of the way...there goes Pat GROIN FIRST into Shane...umm.....okaaayyyy -Brisco is in, Brisco is hurled into them.... -Then he is hurled into them again..... -Then Pat is up.....and Mankind gives him the Mandible Claw RIGHT IN THE NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -............................................................................... -..................................................................... -................................................................. -........................you know..........when you do what I do....especially to the degree I do it to....well, a LOT of what I do is stuff I think up y'know? I have to be creative here..... -................................................... -.........yeah.....so when something like this comes up....(and I DO mean "comes up").......there is...well....there's a problem.... -WHERE THE HOLY BLOODY HELL CAN I GO WITH THIS????? -This...this..this is like, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY FURTHER!!!!!! They gave me NOTHING to go with...NOTHING to expand on....BOOM, the Claw to the nuts...WHERE CAN I GO WITH THIS??????????? -Okay...here are some responses....options that I simply cannot use because they are beneath me....since I am the recapper by which everyone else follows....I have to be better...but the lame choices are: 1) Pat damn sure wasn't fighting... 2) Notice Foley didn't have to dig right in..it was almost like he had a handle to grab.... 3) Pat of course was smiling 4) Mankind lost his grip...it suddenly became slippery 5) How Pat could produce it that fast is beyond me (note: This option is usable only if I chose to say that Pat was the one who produced that white matter on Henry's torso..which I didn't, so it has no application here). -See what I mean....I'd like to thank the WWF for this Christmas present to me (Come ON.....it CAN'T be a coincidence)...but you guys have GOT to give me room to groove here. -Mr. Socko came out.....presumably so that Mankind could clean up his hand (again, it works only if I went with options 4 or 5). Shane ate it...the Rock charged....the Corporation charged...DX charged...X-Pac hurled himself into Shane and gave him the Busting Bronco.....a fitting end to this...this....this God. -Freddie Blassie as Santa looking to see if some chippy can bring some life into his 90 year old lap......poor Freddie, now the term "Pencil Neck" doesn't just apply to the neck anymore. -commercials -D-Lo's music comes on...D-Lo is BANGING on the door pleading with henry to get his ass out there...from inside, we hear a voice moan, "I'm coming..I'm commmming" -After some stalling...D-Lo comes out. -In the Love nest, we see Henry being whipped by Marlena with some leather...Terri is...choking him a think. Oh yeah, his nuts were in a clamp too -The match...oh who gives a FU**????? -Lawler and Cole in unison...."OH MY GOD!" -Lawler, "He...he....it's...it's a C-Clamp...a...a...a C-Clamp.....it's a C-Clamp on his crotch" -Is there ANYONE who cares about Nitro right now?? I mean, even if Austin was on TNT right now calling out that "silly jackass Goldberg"...no one would care. -Lawler demanded that they talk to him on the headsets...he gave the REAL play by play... "Can...can anybody hear me? What's going on back there?" "Still...still a C-Clamp on his Crotch" "There still whipping him back there" "C-Clamp in the Crotch." "Hot wax...they got Hot wax" "Oh my God...they're doing WHAT? Oh my God what a maneuver! A vibrator, they got out a vibrator!!" "Oh my God......Oh my GOD YOUR NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!!!! They're doing WHAT???......................................... Ladies and gentlemen......this next line officially made me rethink this whole recap idea. "......How many gerbils?" "HOW MANY GERBILS?? THAT IS NOT HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!!" Cole, "King, I'm TRYING to call this match!" "Hot wax...v...v..vibrators....and Gerbils" -Henry came out almost immediately after D-Lo lost.....he was really...err....drained. D-Lo yelled at him and took off. -Oh Jeeze, talk about from one extreme to another....Patterson and Brisco were outside waiting for Vince's Limo. Pat told Brisco to keep his "big fat mouth shut".......for a change of course. -Then the Limo pulled up...Brisco rushed to the door, opened it, and said, "Mr MacMahon it was NOT my fault". After some really bad acting...Vince took off growling about how he holds them directly responsible if anything happened to Shane. They jogged off....Brisco asked Patterson if he thought Vince brought the bonus...Pat said "Forget about the bonus!" I'm sure I could do something with that...but I was laughing too hard...it was funny. -commercials -The Undertaker may not be one of People Magazine's "Most Fascinating People", but he sure is the apple in the eye of Tattoo magazine. Just a little F-YOU to Diamond Dallas Page and his wannabe ink. -DX came out in force.....they almost cracked up when they told us to "Suck It" for a record breaking FOURTH TIME" -The Rock and Test came out with the rest of the Corporation in force....HBK told the rest of DX to leave. -Vincent K. came out and said that DX could stay and enjoy the match...it's Christmas after all. -There goes the match...X-Pac and the Rock kick it off. -Then Test came in to fight Triple H -Test is NOT Nash...not as tall or as wide. -Test DID look like he has been fighting for years. His moves were crisp and he had no screw ups. I dare say he fit right in with these pro's.... -Trip H took a little...and gave a little right back at'cha -X-Pac was in...and gave test the Busting Bronco -The Rock dragged X-Pac outside...hurled him Crotch first into the post, then X-Pac dropped on his head. I don't care how controlled that was...it was still a good bump. -The Corporate Elbow for the little Pecker -BAD low blow by the Rock.....assisted by Test...envied by Patterson -After some heavy action...Triple H hit Test with the Pedigree.....the Rock stopped the count. -then the lights dimmed... -Then Kane came out and hit the ring... -He grabbed Triple H and chokeslammed him. -ditto Road Dog -ditto Bad Ass -ditto the Rock...BUT Vince put a quick stop to that by God... -then he chokeslammed X-Pac -Then Chyna snuck into the ring and NAILED HIM WITH A MIGHTY FOREARM.... -no sell of course.....instead Kane grabbed her and lifted her up... -YEAH YEAH KANE!!!! DO IT FOR ALL US GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN SYMBOLICALLY FOREARMED BY THESE WALLET SUCKING CHICKS!!!!!!! DRILL HER STRAIGHT DOWN INTO HELL FOR AHVING DARED DUMP ME FOR THAT LOSER WITH THE FORELOCK AND THE BIG PACKAGE!!!!! I HOPE YOU SUFFER, THEN DIE, DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!! -show ends before we can see it...DAMN!!! Okay, all jokes aside...it was too much. That Henry thing I mean. WAAY too much. Look, I am used to this kind of stuff, a watch it all the time...but to the kids out there.....it's a new experience. This was waaaaaay over the top. Although the hit that sadomasochistic mood almost perfectly....they hit it dead on balls. SOMEONE has been doing their homework....and I bet his initials are "PP". But it was too much....which does NOT mean that Bischoff assaulting Flair's wife and attacking her body is any better.... Christ...I have a Nitro to do...so let's get going..... Chris Hyatte
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