Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Did you read the RAW recap yet?...12/30/98 Mop-Up Nitro I'll sum up Starrcade in two words: "fest" and "crap"...only Kidman did anything worth anything.....he's a tough little prick ain't he? Goldberg still doesn't impress me...seems to me he spent most of the match Spearing people....and didn't tazer rods get old around the days of the Mountie? Anywhoo....let's get to it... NITRO (or: Shouldn't this have been on Starrcade?) -opens with stills from Starrcade...the single greatest 2 hours, 44 minutes of the 1990's...according to anyone who has "WCW" stamped somewhere on their paycheck. -opening theme....where it belongs...how odd. -Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, and Larry Zbyszko welcome us to wherever the Hell they are...it's all the same. -Tony breaks it to the smart people who didn't pay for the swill that Eric Bischoff has a win over Ric Flair. -and the Streak is over.....thank Christ. -For some reason, they feel the need to jam the fact that Starrcade was "historic" down our throats. -For some reason, some redneck's head briefly flashes on camera...gotta DUCK boy!!!! -They show the "notorious" 3 MINUTES AND 55 SECONDS life story of Eric Bischoff again.....Eric must of edited it himself..and he is so proud...so proud. -You know..he really HAD TO have edited it himself..can't you just see him sitting there and thinking, "I can't take any of this out..it's all so good!!!" -There is no good reason for this clip either you know...not really. -Oh...GREAT news!!! Tony has FINALLY hunted down Flair's doctor...and TONIGHT...he will discuss Flair's heart attack. Oh thank GOD... -Larry continues the time honored tradition by saying, "Okay, so 1998 wasn't the best year for WCW...but 1999....oh yes.. 1999 will be the year that WCW FINALLY FIGHTS BACK AND PUTS AN END TO THE SINISTER, EVIL, MALICIOUS NEW WORLD ORDER ONCE AND FOR ALL AND BRING ABOUT A NEW PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO THE SPORT OF WRESTLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE OF THIS "WE'RE TAKING OVER" CRAP!!!! 1999 IS WHEN WCW FINALLY FIGHTS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! AND WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -stills from Starrcade......a "foreign" object is too offensive.....from here on out, it must be called an "illegal" object....... -commercials -first hour fireworks go off. Tony gamely announces that this is the "moment we've ALL been waiting for"..... -Then shows us the winner of the last Nitro party pack.......I want his daughter's toenails handed to me and my entire porn library is YOUR'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Nitro party winner....old farts and lots of them....basically a room filled with divorced janitors. -The Nitro Girls remind me to start praying for the end o the world. Larry admits to getting a hard on while watching them (You have GOT to read between the lines people) -Here comes Ernest Miller as Tony reminds us that Sunday was a "historic" night. -Sonny Ono is with him...he stopped taking pictures because that is stereotypical insult to the fine Japanese people that populate this earth and help make it a wonderful melting pot of culture!!!!!!! Bravo WCW!!!! BRAVO!!! -Ono takes his shoes off before entering the ring........sigh.....we are doomed as a species....doomed. -Miller had things to say...Shut Up & Sit Down was first and foremost. Then he remind us that he was the Greatest, and then told us that our momma's was so ugly, when she was born, the Doctor looked at her afterbirth and said, "Oh look...TWINS!" -Miller also had a hankering for some whuppering...then wanted someone to call his Momma. -Then Jericho came out with Ralphus for reasons that I couldn't begin to dream of. Then he pulled out a Japanese guy (It may be Kaz Hayashi....I have no idea..when you barely pay attention to them, they look all the same.....(note..I realize that there is a joke that some...more uncooth.....ruffians would make...something about how "They all look the same to Americans"...or some other barbaric, primitive, lowest common denominator way...but not I...I am sensitive to the feelings of ALL people..and will NOT stoop to such childish, ignorant levels. -Jericho called the Japanese wrestler "Shimaramalamadingdong" which totally cracked me up....even though I found it OFFENSIVE AND BEREFT OF ANY REDEEMING VALUES OR MORALS.....I still giggled like a school girl in heat.... -Jericho led the Japanese fellow to the ring......I still have no clue why he's involved with these low level dweebs...... -for the record..I WANT Jericho in the WWF...but I DON'T want him in DX...I want him doing what he does in WCW....alone, and cracking everyone up...period. Imagine the fun he could have going after X-Pac? Imagine the matches? Imagine Jericho being allowed to run loose in the R rated WWF? What would he say? Ooooh man. -Anywhoo...Jericho led the guy to the ring, and called him, "Shamalamarooby"..... -He also said to Miller, "I know you're a Karate MACHINNNA"....it just stuck to me. -Even with Jericho and Ralphus watching his back, Miller still took out this guy...whom Tony called "Shima Nagaramado" -Larry called him, "Shimadingdong" Tenay corrected him. -I have no clue what his friggin' name is okay....OKAY????? -Miller won....yippee -stills from the Historic night......Nash and O'Gould -commercials -Nash and Konnan hock the last remaining Wolfpac T-shirts before they close the whole thing down. -Footage of Flair's stupid heart attack. -Norman Smiley wanted to know who our Daddy is.......then he hit the ring and started to butthump his imaginary woman (Dear God...I hope it's a chick) and slap her ass. Her fat, fat, ever so fat ass. -Chavo came out playing with his phallic symbol. Tony assures us that the "Chavo is nuts" angle is still going strong. -Why didn't they put this match at Starrcade??? It would have fit perfectly. -After dropkicking Smiley out of the ring...Chavo straddled his staff and ran around with it.....If he does that too much, won't it start to foam? Mine always does? -Smiley took Chavo's shaft and started to manipulate it.........I....I...I....I have no comment...I'm speechless. -Tony laughed at the outrageousness of this program, then wondered how they can ever get this on TV. -Smiley won......more importantly, the FANS won. -Raven's mother pulls up in a driveway. Kanyon (oh crap) gets out. Mother refers to the "disillusioned youth who is really in his 30's" as Scotty. Raven calls Kanyon an idiot. They go inside. -Oh lucky us.....they had a camera inside.....Mother Levy offers to make a Ham sandwich and some chocolate milk...Raven prefers bourbon.....Kanyon denies it...I would happily shoot Kanyon in the face and spend the rest of my life back in C-Block because of that alone. -"Mooom. The TV doesn't work!" -"Scotty, you have to turn it on!" -"I DID YOU INSIPID BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DID BISCHOFF WRITE THIS SCRIPT?" -commercials -Best of Nitro tomorrow.......don't even think about asking if I'm going to recap it. -You simply MUST order the replay of Starrcade...because you didn't catch all the details the first time around. I'll be there...front row center. -Booker T beat Fit Finlay.....Finlay was drunk on Guinness...so it was understandable. -Tony praised the intelligence of the fans in attendance......based on the simple logic that they saw Bischoff's hand raised on the big screen and concluded that he won last night...so they booed....that's Tony's criteria for judging intelligence. -commercials -more stills from Bischoff/Flair...Tony set Global Politics back 50 years by calling it a "Foreign Object". he also called it the most Historically brutal match in the History of this Historic sport. -Mean Gene brought out Ric Flair...... -and out he comes.....carrying his luggage?? I think?? -Tony called anyone who didn't worship Flair a mentally retarded faggot. -Flair kindly thanked the people for the reception...then admitted to getting his ass kicked. He said that he got drunk last night....and told his wife and Arn Anderson that it was over... -then changed his mind and had the plane turn around and take him to Baltimore... -then he got nekkid...Gene started to sweat.... -"Jackass" was used...edited once..let go twice. -Then he started to rip up some hundred dollar bills......and threw his shoes out to the crowd... -Then he attacked the mat.....that bastard mat refused to sell a single move...it has no respect for tradition. -Flair promised to hand his house, cars, family, and peroxide supply over to Bischoff and he will retire from the sport if Bischoff has the crank to jam with him one last time. -One little stip.....if he wins, Flair gets to run WCW for 90 days.....with the first order of business being to extract Bischoff's head out of Hogan's ass.........very cool. -Bischoff has the brain of a "pissant" by the way..... -Then Flair handcuffed himself to the ring...Gene hollered for some commercials before things get too crazy and Flair says the word "Hell". -Flair promised that he will be naked when they come back after some.... -commercials -Well, Flair was still there...gene was still sweating...Flair wasn't naked though....Patterson threw his Popcorn away in disgust and went back to making faces at Kane. -Flair was about to call Bischoff a "C-Sucker" (I just KNOW he was) when.... -Oh that music that he has no business having comes on... -Bischoff comes out smiling....Tony calls it, "The most memorable moments in the History of live television"........while extracting his daughters toenails..you get $5 if you feel the need to hit her in the face. -So, Bischoff saunters to the ring.....it takes a loooong time.....probably because RAW just came on and Bischoff wants rating credit. -Flair takes a swing....Bischoff ducks.....Flair says that if it's so "Goddam" funny, then come over here. -Bischoff has his mic and says it wouldn't be a problem taking his money and his dreams....and that Flair is going to have another heart attack. -Flair, "When I have a heart attack, it's gonna be on your girlfriend pal!!"...Kind of defeats the whole "family" thing doesn't it? -Flair is a "fat boy"....Bischoff is a "Cushman Scooter".....I think Roosevelt was president when those terms were relevant. -Flair almost swore..but he didn't...he cursed Turner for these silly rules. -The match was booked...I am completely excited about Nitro for the first time........ummm.........EVER?? It's up to them to ruin it for me...I'm sure they will. -commercials -They do......Nitro Girl Storm gets a dance solo. -Tony, "In the years that Nitro has been on the air! Not even when Goldberg won the world title from Hollywood Hogan, we have NEVER had a match of such IMPORTANCE, as Bischoff and Ric Flair!" -Tenay, "In the HISTORY of wrestling....there has NEVER been such a big EVENT..as Eric Bischoff vs Ric Flair!! Fans!! Bischoff lovers, Bischoff haters!!! Tonight, December 28, 1998, will go down as THE....MOST....IMPORTANT....NITRO.....EVER!!!!!!!!!!" -Tony, " Mike, can you believe that we are barely in the the second hour and already, it's obvious that this is the BEST NITRO EVER?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?" -Tenay, "How sorry do you feel for those poor saps watching our competitors over on USA Tony? They are missing History in the MAKING!!!!!!!" -Umm..what I would like to know is....WHY THE FU** DID I ORDER STARRCADE????? -Windham destroyed Prince I'mapepperyourapepperetcetcetc -stills from Starrcade...focusing on when Hall showed his Anti-Semitic colors by taking a Tazer to Goldberg. HAVEN'T THE JEWS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH HALL?????? -Gene Okerlund talks to a WCW security guard,,,wanna bet he has a deep hick accent? -well of course he does, ya hillbilly.... -The Security Guard, named "Dell" explains why the cattle prod was able to take down even the mighty Goldberg....then he gave Gene's nuts a shock......Gene later ran out and impregnated all the Nitro Girls. Fyre told me that even Gene's pubes are receding. -The gist of the story here was that Goldberg is still our hero....and he is still more powerful than mortal men.....and Nash couldn't beat him in a fair fight...so you kids can still cheer for him, because he is not a loser....he is a GOD!!! Cattle prod + Tony's daughter = an extra $10 in it for you. -commercials -Mean Gene brings out Diamond Dallas Page. Tenay calls Page's Diamond Cutter on the Giant another reason why Starrcade was the "Most Historic Televised event in the History of Historic Pay Per Views" -I am not even kidding you know...nor am I overexagerrating. -Page gave props to himself for beating the Giant.....then said that he wasn't there to talk about his match.... -Page poked his nose where it has no business being stuck by criticizing Nash's win over Goldberg...... -You know...all Page did was suck the ass of Goldberg and Flair....whatta dick. -Backstage, Nash and Konnan yell at Disco Inferno for being a loser. Then Nash said that he'll get him a match for later that night as part of an "initiation" -Tony reminded us...(I SWEAR!!!!!!!) about the "History making" Starrcade and showed us stills of the Cruiserweight Triangle match....Tenay called it the "Best Triangle Match in WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!!" -F-It...I'M going to beat the shit out of them when I see them......you pussies won't do it...so I will! -Eddie Guerrero and Juventud Guerrera came to the ring with Eddie's bodyguard "Jose" -Then Rey Mysterio came out... -Then Kidman came out to still the best theme song in all of wrestling...I dare say that it is the greatest, most HISTORIC theme song in the HISTORY of theme songs! -How Tony can sleep at night...I'll never know...he goes on a little rant about how WCW fans make it a point to watch EVERY SINGLE SOLID SECOND OF WCW PROGRAMMING...EVEN WCW WORLDWIDE....I hate his fu*&%ng guts....AND I hate his daughter's guts too.... -Eddie and Juventud argued a little bit before locking up...but the match did get going. -This match simply could NOT be expected to end during one little segment...oh no...it had to go straight on through to some..... -commercials -yeah, it's still going. Tony called it the "Most Historic tag Team match in the History of Tag team matches on Live Televised History" -The LWO faction won... -Footage from 20 minutes ago dealing with that Historic segment....I know, I know...it's all Historic with Nitro.....just use your imagination. -WCW is coming to QVC to sell you their crap that falls apart within two weeks. -WCW Credit Cards...try to buy WWF merchandise with it, and the bomb will go off and destroy everything within 300 feet -commercials -Bobby Heenan hops on board as... -Nash leads the Wolfpac to the ring.....no one is happy...Konnan looks like he just lost his Grandmother in a Drive-by....Luger looked like another steroid induced lump had formed on his favorite vein....Nash looked like Bischoff just agreed to let Hogan book again....all is not well. -Nash grabs the mic and says that he is a FACE now.....so he has to be sad that he won the belt in the way he did. If he was a HEEL, he'd be happier than Hall in a liquor store. -Nashy also said that DINF would fight Bam Bam Bigelow tonight...even though Bam Bam doesn't officially work for WCW...they'll book the match anyway because WCW CARES ABOUT THE RATINGS....err..THE FANS BABY!!!!!! -He also said that Hall has problems.... -Then he said that Goldberg gets his rematch next week in the Georgia Dome.....RAW is taped by the way......I'd explain to you why it would be cool if RAW won the ratings anyway....but why bother. -commercials -Disco Inferno took on Bam Bam Bigelow.....Bam Bam had no theme music because he doesn't WORK FOR THE COMPANY!!!!!!! BUT WCW RECOGNIZES THE FAN'S THIRST....NAY......DESPERATION FOR MAIN EVENT MATCHES EVERY SECOND OF EVER SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!! -Bam Bam killed the loser. DINF should have consulted Spike Dudley...or L.T.... -commercials -I haven't seen the second hour fireworks yet......this is the HISTORICALLY longest first hour in the HISTORY of Nitro!!!!! -Bischoff is beating the hell out of Hennig's hands....Hennig was laughing.....If only that would happen in the ring. -Flair's Doctor. Flair didn't have a Heart Attack....he just had dinner with Patterson the other night and suffered from Bad Meat In The Can...(I know, I know...it's the second time I used that joke this week...go f-yourselves. -Flair was poisoned too.....Tony and Tenay spelled it out for us because we are all dumber than cowsh*t. -Gene was backstage and tried to get into Bischoff's room.....he did.....Bischoff threw a tantrum....he'll never be Vince....I wonder if he realizes this? -commercials Chris Hyatte
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