Nitro Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte
I'm on my last legs people...12/30/98
Mop-Up Nitro (cont)
-Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner came out with their very own Referee. Short speech about being a "hook up" to the "phreaks". I'm just waiting for Master P to pop a cap in his juicy ass......word to your mother.
-Konnan came out....and showed Steiner how to "rock the mic".......where's Vanilla Ice when you need him the most?
-Buff distracted Konnan as Steiner ran into the seats to beat the living snot out of some punk.....for having dared breath his air.
-Scott Dickinson showed up as WCW Security yanked the NWO ref out of the way....Tony applauded Dickinson's balls.
-There goes the match......Tony and Tenay felt it necessary to remind us that we have to cheer for Konnan and boo Steiner.....mostly because Konnan is Mexican and WCW is ALL about world peace.
-Steiner owned it.....for a while...then K-Twat owned it....for a while....
-Then we had the Tequila Sunrise.....to which Buff tried to pull Steiner's foot to the ropes...
-So Luger ran out, wrapped his arms around Buff's waist, and tried to pull him off.....or pull Steiner to the ropes.......millions and millions of fans scream, "IS LUGER WOLFPACK?? OR IS HE NWO?????? WHAT IS THE DEAL.....YO??"
-actually, they really screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS AUSTIN??"
-Steiner won the TV belt with the "Steiner Recliner"......Tony went all out with the speculations...calling it the "Most Historically confusing Television Title match in the History of Televised Television Title matches!!!!"
-commercials
-The Nitro Girls waste time while Tony pushes the 3 hour Nitro retrospective on Tuesday....I think I'd rather clean out my dog's butt with my tongue.
-Hall came out wearing a towel pancho with Goldberg's tattoo on it. Tony reminds us that Nitro IS the program that PUSHED pro wrestling BACK to mainstream media.....only to have that dam fool McMahon embarrass everyone with his X rated tom foolery.
-Hall has the mic as Brian Adams comes to the ring. Hall said that money was the only thing that was important in life, and Nash should be a wee bit more grateful that he handed him the belt Sunday night...so there. The Outsiders won't be reuniting anytime soon......or they will do it next week...I just don't know anymore.
-Hall beat Crush......we both know that you don't need any more info.
-Tony informs the fans worldwide to start getting prepared for Flair/Bischoff.....because it's next.
-commercials
-Oh! How lucky! Buffer is there to introduce the match, even though it was made entirely on the spot barely two hours ago!!!! They must have flown him in by Express.
-Flair comes out....I mentally block out Tony's hype...much like Rambo can ignore the pain and keep on going......"It's a looooong roooooooooooad, when you're all aloooooooone" (bet'cha NOBODY gets that one).
-Buffer's intro is longer than The Allman Brother's "Mountain Jam"
-Bischoff's music played...no Bischoff...
-Then we see Bischoff come out from the backstage.......go right by the entrance way....says that his leg is hurt and he is not fighting tonight...marches into a Limo.....
-Then runs out because Mongo is waiting for him.....Mongo lifts up Bischoff...Malenko and Benoit help carry him to the ring. Tony shrieks, "THERE WILL BE A MATCH.....RIGHT AFTER WE COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!"
-commercials
-They shove Bischoff in the ring....and Flair goes right after him....the jacket comes off and the first low blow of the night.
-WILL YOU PUNCH HIM FOR REAL YOU MISERABLE OLD TOOL!!!!!! JUST ONCE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!! WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO? FIRE YOU??????
-Hell, Flair's GROWTH even got in a low blow....
-NWO ran in..the Horsemen fought them off.
-More NWOers come in...the Horsemen fight on....(must have been Nash's booking...Bischoff would have had them raped by that cattle prod by now).
-The Giant walks out...headbutts Flair....goes for the Chokeslam...
-Arn Anderson is out....Page is out...and...who the Fu**?
-Savage??
-Sweet Jesus....he slicked his hair back...
-Sweet Jesus.....he has tittiies now!!!!!
-No wait....SWEET JESUS!!! HE'S GOT A CHICK WITH HIM!!!! A CHICK WITH MAJOR TITTIES!!!!!!!!
-SWEET JESUS ON A POPSICLE STICK!!!!!!! THAT BROAD LOOKS LIKE PAM ANDERSON LEE!!!!!!
-SWEET JESUS ON A POPSICLE STICK AND WEARING A BLUE BONNET!!! SAVAGE IS TAKING OVER AS LEADER OF THE NWO ...I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!!!!!!
-Savage low blows the Giant, clotheslines him out of the ring....and walks away.....I....err....nevermind.
-Crowd is popping their asses off as Flair gets the Figure Four on Bischoff.....Bischoff fights because he's a tough guy...but gives it up....
-Flair wins....Tony pops tears and says that he's going down there.....everyone celebrates.
-AFTER ALMOST THREE YEARS!!! WCW HAS FINALLY FOUGHT BACK THE NWO AND RECLAIMED THE THRONE AS DOMINANT FORCE IN....UMM......WCW!!!!!!!!!!
-Tony gets in there...I won't spoil the moment by chastising you morons for not attacking him as he walked down the aisle.....Zbyszko is there......Page is there (he has to wash Eric's underwear later, so he figured he could save time and catch him in the ring)...Dusty is in there...
-Flair hugs Dusty....it's an old school moment that really got to me...I loved it.
-One more elbow from Flair..and another swig at the Figure Four...
-Tenay claims to see the Holy Mary in the rafters as the celebration continues and the show ends...Heenan says he's going to hit Flair up for a raise.
Well.....okay.....okay GODDAMMIT......
-F-You......I ain't saying it....
-no...no...no...RAW wins....F-You
-RAW WINS...F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU
-F-You.....F..........YOU
-Ohhhh crap....DAMMIT!!!!
-f-you.....dammit.....dammit all to hell.
-mumble mumble mumble
-nitrorocked
-I SAID NITRO ROCKED!!!!!!!! YOU FU**ING MORONS!!!!!
-F-You...Nitro wins the whole night......HUGE
-I still want Tony and his daughter........oh screw it..leave the brat alone...
-OH F-IT...LEAVE TONY ALONE....I FEEL LIKE A GODDAM MARK!!!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOO
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
GODDAM WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Read the closer...I'm going to go get drunk and sleep this mark ass feeling off
Okay, as promised. It's time to look back on 98 with a nice, long look at my first full year as a columnist. Lordy lord....it only took me a year and a half to become the most ripped off wrestling writer anywhere.....Christ, imagine the web without me.....oooo man...I shudder to think....I shudder.....the horror.....the horror.....douchchills.....oooh.....oy vey..I am SUCH a douchebag. Anyway, then web is chock FULL of 98 recaps of this (barely a) sport....so I won't bore you with that. Instead, I'll just do what I do best and write about what I did this past year...broken down, month by month, all the closers, all the activities...and a few wrestling tidbits to remind you what I was going on at any particular time. Pour the Brandy and relax buttmonkeys, it's time to look back....
THE YEAR THAT WAS MOPPED UP
JAN:
On Nitro: Savage was out of control. Marty Jannety debuted...his finisher is called the Showstopper. A sign reading, "HYATTE FEARS THE VILLANOS" LIVE ON NITRO!!!!! Nitro goes to 3 hours permentantly, Ray Traylor promises to destroy the NWO or die trying,
On RAW: Everyone was gunning for Austin for the Royal Rumble. Don King comes out and says that Tyson can't wait to sign a contract and hand over the loot to him. Tyson shows up on RAW and gets into it with Austin. No Patterson jokes, other than a very brief mention that was more innuendo than anything else.
The Mop-Up: Because I was still young and impressionable, and I foolishly hoped for Web peace, I begin a weekly thing of plugging other sites.....I was so young, so stupid. . I discuss four nice wrestling memories that I had...what a pussy. I discussed how moves would feel in the real world. I discussed Thunder and how bad it will be.
FEB:
On Nitro: Schiavone declares that March 2 may be the biggest night in the History of the sport. As of this writing, I still have no idea why.
On RAW: HBK says that He didn't sleep with that intern. The New Age Outlaws throw Jack and Funk in a dumpster and pitch it off the ramp. The Dog Show replaces RAW for two weeks, yet Nitro still doesn't win the week in this column.....I simply refused. No Patterson material.
In the Mop-Up: I write that rebuttal piece that chased that guy away for 6 months. I first start to rag on that Mancow idiot. I introduce the idea of posting letters on top of the column...now EVERYBODY DOES IT!!!!!! Wrestling Vibrator Action Figures closer. I ramble on about Television for another closer. And the first ever Interview with Villano I...the first part got a prominent placement on the site...the second half was shoved in some dark corner of the site carelessly...I'm STILL a bit ticked by that. I stop plugging sites because I WOKE UP!! I also took a week off.
MARCH:
On Nitro: Goldberg catches on. Nitro comes from a Night club in Panama City, the Giant chases Hall and Nash into a pool. Sting swoops in from a helicopter. Page cracks up David Grohl when Raven beaned him with a stop sign on MTV...wrestling fans hide their heads in shame. "White Thunder" Scott Steiner debuts. It's the BEST Nitro of the year (Sting vs Page for starters), no lie
On RAW: Not much, it's a month of Wrestlemania promos. X-Pac comes back, Austin wins the belt, and the ratings will never be the same.
In the Mop-Up: The Mop-Up moves from the Written Word to the Arena section...nobody bothered to tell me this. I announce that Al Snow will be the "next big thing". I explain why I tend to root for the WWF, then detail some things about WCW that I really, really DO like..and things I hate worse than Bischoff. I offer up some sign suggestions that so far NOBODY ever used and also list all the personalities who have been seen smoking. I take another week off.
APRIL:
On Nitro: Where is Flair? Nash and Savage form the WolfPac.
On RAW: Austin comes out as a Corporate champ for one of the funniest segments ever. UT and Kane's mom shows up and UT ends up being thrown into her casket.. Dude Love is in full effect, Vince comes back to the announcer booth and screws Steve Blackman out of a win against Dude Love, who was in full effect. DX invades the place where Nitro is being held. X-Pac wants to ask Bischoff why he couldn't fire him to his face.
In the Mop-Up: I predict that Nitro will regain it's strong lead...which is why I DON'T DO PREDICTIONS!!! I state for the first time that Goldberg is of the Jewish persuasion...still haven't said much about Patterson. Mop-Up Rhetorical questions, I run a Dumbest People Alive bit that someone sent me, I also run a Poll for Greatest Icon? Hogan won. I am missing a column from this month.
MAY:
On Nitro: Not much
On RAW: Val Venis makes his ring debut. Jim Ross gets off the QUOTE OF THE YEAR with "Well, Patterson does some part time work over at that Brisco Body Shop there. He.does some rear end work there!"
In the Mop-Up: I'm missing two editions, but this was the month that I got drunk, got into a fight, and spent the night soaking wet, passed out on a beach. Patterson jokes explode on these pages. I have a Brain Teaser about a Lily in a pond that doubles in size every day. I also list qualifications about starting a NEW Rat Pack....(geeze..I forgot about that!)
JUNE:
On Nitro: Rodzilla makes his last Nitro appearance. Both shows have a week where the endings have someone attacking someone else on top of a cage.
On RAW: Not much.. Foley takes the bump of his LIFE...then takes another one...then lays down on a bed of thumbtacks.
In the Mop-Up: I had a car accident and banged my head and fu&%ed up my collarbone. I said farewell to the only libertarian recapper on the web, who retired. Someone informs me of another recapper named Zimmerman who likes to put letters on top of his recaps. Mop-Upinions, the last Top Ten Porno List, and I celebrate my first year anniversary with a whopper of a closer.
JULY:
On Nitro: the NWO Nightcap with Eric Bischoff. Goldberg heals his first worshipper.
On RAW: Regal makes his debut, and disappears quickly.
In the Mop-Up: (This was a BIG month) The Mop-Up starts getting posted in German...(I never heard from the Kraut again) I also slap down some low level dickhead web guy who barely registers on the web scale...he stops updating a few weeks later and has never been seen since. I first mention my time in C-Block, but no names...yet. My comments force Al to publicly apologize in his news for my remarks. Everything else gets (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR YOUR PROTECTION). The "Family" Mop-Up debuts...easily the most controversial column ever on SCOOPS or on the whole damned NET (let's face it)...since I let my (ex) girlfriend write the column. When I told Al Isaacs that I was going to run it for another week, he said, "Oh God..please no". I also have a nicely received "Real Men" list.
AUGUST:
On Nitro: Dusty lays a Texas Gag Order on Zbyszko, which goes nowhere. The Ultimate Warrior makes his return...which also goes nowhere. Schiavone spends 3 hours talking about RAW's 10 second main event.
On RAW: Bart Gunn fu&*s up Dr. Death, Jim Ross is heartbroken. Val Venis sprays his love goo all over Kaintai (or however it's spelled)
In the Mop-Up: "Z-Smooth" makes his first appearance. : I ask the question AIM or ICQ...then get both a few months later. I get into a chat room phase and rule it with an iron fist...then I get sick of it and never went back. I analysis the gayness of characters and gimmicks. I ask the burning hypothetical question..."What if"? Things I like to do to bust balls. Double Closer: Chat transcript from AIM and a couple of reasons why it's great to be a guy.
SEPT:
On Nitro: Goldberg touched Mark McGwire's bat and makes it easy for him to hit those home runs. Eddie Guerrero invites Eric to kiss his "You Know What" Scott Hall is drunk. Hart turns on Sting, Hogan tries to get the nickname "Wood" going.
On RAW: They took a week off for one reason or another....nothing much else happened. Other than history repeating itself as Lawler attacks Jim Carrey while making the Andy Kaufman story.
In the Mop-Up: Scherer announces that he has no idea who I am...but he thinks people who try to make themselves part of the show are "detestable. A few months later, he works an angle where Chris Candido threatens to kill him. . Mark Madden comments about Internet wrestling columnists, every two bit Geocity hack assumes he means them. I assume nothing...even though he probably did mean me. I write Al's News..the Net has a conniption. I get into a fight with a Web Site consisting of 8 guys and no girls and chase them away for 2 months and counting. Crappiest Moments in Wrestling.
OCT, NOV, DEC: Jesus..it was only a couple of months ago...why bother, it still should be fresh in your heads. I missed a few weeks, I produced some crap columns....I said farewell to Hogan, which pretty much stopped anyone from putting together some sort of Hogan retrospective. I did a lot of things..some good, some bad..but it kept your asses coming week after week..so HA!
That's the year that was. I missed a few other spots..such as that WCW/MTV "Ultimate Video Challenge" disaster. A few more stuff I guess. Who knows..who cares...it's over....f-you.
I'm leaving now. Next week, it will be 1999....oh man, expect the worst from this year. Lots of frightened people out there thinking that the year 2000 is going to be the final year ever...riots, suicides, cults....and that's only here on SCOOPS...Oh one can only hope huh? One can only hope.
For me? I'm working on a brand new, never before even DREAMED OF idea, for this column...it'll be ANOTHER REVOLUTIONARY WAY TO RECAP MONDAY NIGHTS!!!! It's a beauty of an idea...IF I play it right. It really is a great concept...I should put the first edition out by the end of January.
I hope you have a sucky new year, I hope you get drunk tonight or tomorrow and drive into someone..I honestly don't care...I have my own problems. Eat me.
This is Hyatte
Chris Hyatte
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