Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

We are off and limping...12/30/98 Mop-Up RAW Since you are getting edited by Scoops I would like to express my feelings towards your column. Each of the following items I am offended by. I would also like to see the following changes in the coming weeks: 1. No more making fun of Canadians or any other people 2. No more Patterson/Brisco jokes 3. No more swear words (includes abbreviations) 4. No more saying Nitro sucks(it is family programming) 5. No more making fun of WCW (and Michael Cole) commentators 6. No more abusive language towards (NAME OF RESPECTED WEB MASTER WHOM SCOOPS WILL NOT LET ME MENTION), and other fine reporters 7. No more saying who wins each week 8. No more closer 9. No more opener That pretty much covers it. Thank you rpippus@home.com Sometimes....I wish I could....Lord how nice it would be. Well, I'm Chris..this is the Mop-Up, and everything else in the world just doesn't matter. It's the big year end edition, with an ultra phat (ooo man, I am so COOL wit' da' sheeit) closer that'll bring out all the crap for one last bow, before I flush the toilet and begin anew. It's the last encore...so get those lighters ready ya crazy metalheads. Let's kick this beeotch off with an update of my current deal. I have to thank all of you who were interested enough to ask for a copy of that "edited" Mop-Up two weeks ago. Hopefully, all your PC's happily accepted the copy formatted on WordPad that I sent it on. This past week, I sent out WELL over 100 copies out....now that may not seem much, especially considering the number of people who read this, but it's cool anyway. Of course, I could have done the "time honored tradition" of the Net and multiply the number of requests by a factor of at least 4 (trust me..if someone says they had 400 e-mails in a week, it's really only 100...they HATE to be honest about their numbers), but I didn't. It was over 100..and I thought that was swell. Okay, so the thing of it is...I was edited again last week...BIG time...HUGE....CHOPPED OFF AT THE LEGS!!! HACKED UP TO LITTLE PIECES!!!!!!!!!!! CHEWED UP LIKE A CHRISTIAN THROWN TO A PACK OF HUNGRY LIONS AND SPAT OUT LIKE THE REMAINS OF A FRESHLY SUCKLED HANDFUL OF SUNFLOWER SEEDS!!!!!!! Oh..it was brutal...Oh it was ugly...OH LORD....THE HORROR...THE HORROR.....oooo..was I ticked...my precious words...gloriously crafted......carefully constructed...poorly spelled....WRENCHED from it's womb like an premature child!!!!!! Those sons of BITCHES!!! How DARE THEY!!!! But it turned out all right in the end. I was all ready to launch a very special LET HYATTE BE HYATTE campaign (catchy huh? You can thank Al for that slogan....don't worry, it's an inside joke), but..I had a deep, personal, long chat with Al Isaacs over the phone....and after begging him to let me keep my job for 30 minutes (The words "Hyatte" and "Sucks" came up a LOT), he finally caved and explained why I was edited. I really can't explain it yet, basically because I had no clue what the FU%& he was talking about.....but for the time being, there is an understanding between us....which is broken down into this... I can't say anything about anyone on the Web for a while. No "feuds", no trash talking, nothing. For a while...a few months at least...maybe more, hopefully less. I can do that. Hell, why not? It's not an impossible job, all I have to do is increase the Patterson jokes and rag on women some more..that's all. It's kind of sad...seeing how there are MORE than a few folks who are REALLY opening themselves up for some ball busting as of late . Hell, I can't even mention other SCOOPS columnists....fer cryin' out loud...Anywhoo...we both agreed...I'll mellow out on the other web guys for now....and he won't edit me out..unless I get dead drunk and write something REALLY offensive.....but that won't happen.....much.....this week........yeah. Two more items, then I'll stop. 1)...so, if you want to see the UNCUT Mop-Up from last week..same deal...write to me at my glorydog addy (do NOT ask me on ICQ....I will NOT oblige) and I'll send it to you...this time around..it's WORTH a read..so I expect all of you to ask for it..or at least more than last week. This isn't a work, nor a scam, nor a plan of any kind. It's just me trying to give you what you like to read....if my comments about other web people don't really cream your Calvins, then don't sweat it...you got 95% of the Mop-Up last week right here.....it's kind of like Stephen King's "The Stand".....if you bought the new expanded edition, you got the same story as with the original edited edition.....only with a few more details put in. It's not a whole new Mop-Up...just the same one with a bit more trimming. It's up to you. 2) This does NOT mean that I won't be watching you...yeah, you...I'd name names, but I can't. I am watching...and taking notes....any of you homos think it's open season on my site....heh...go ahead..try.....TRY!! Because I WILL be allowed to go off one day again...and one day SOON.....and there is nobody better at attacking other folks then me..it's my heroin.....my cocaine.....my RUSH...so go on...try it dickheads.....because when I DO bring it back....I'll bring it back with the THUNDER......and I'll jam with EVERYONE....and I'll WIN...and I won't stop!!! Ask that fat bitch that I ragged on for months and months....he's so shaken, he hasn't been heard from for weeks. Watch your asses, bitches...because Hyatte is still watching....oh yes...I am watching...... By the way...I don't know if you noticed....but 1998 marked the year that it became MUCH cooler to be a wrestling fan than it did to be a "Trekkie"....we finally took a step up the coolness ladder and passed those little freaked who put brown mushrooms on their heads and drink Hawaiian Punch and call it "Klingon Blood Whine"......Star Trek "Insurrection" is the first Trek flick that I had absolutely no interest in seeing...(easily..."The Wrath of Khan" is still the greatest piece of Trek that has ever been produced..on film or on tape....and the Spock death scene is one of the very few pieces of work that guys can cry to without being FAGS!!!!!!!!!!!). Congrats folks...you are a bit better than those Trekkie geeks...(Trekkers...my bloomin arse...they are TREKKIES...deal with it jerkos). Remember...the closer will put a lid on "98 in as far as this column goes.....but as usual....that is a long ways from now. I don't know if it's Wednesday or if it's Thursday when this thing gets posted....(I handed it in pretty late Wednesday morning...it all depends if the High Chief Al (How did you get my phone number?) Isaacs has things to do....but what I do know is that it's time to get cracking. The sun is out, the computers are still running...God hasn't struck down his mighty fist upon this Blue Orb and sent shock waves of the Apocalypse rippling across the entire realm of Midgard destroying everything in it's insatiable path (forgive me..I spent the weekend with a double feature of "Armageddon" and "Deep Impact"....I thought one of them was a porn flick...BOY..was I disappointed).....speaking of fisting things violently...let's see what's up with Pat and the boys on this week's exciting edition of... RAW IS WAR (or: What'd I miss?) BIG NOTE: Look, things happen.....mistakes are made...and I fell asleep while watching the first hour of Nitro. Passed right out in the chair. I woke up an hour later, but not soon enough...so I missed the first half hour of RAW. I'm very sorry if you really have no clue what happened Monday night (and you come here for the facts?? HERE??? What are you? STOOPID???). It was only the first 30 MINUTES, so not exactly the whole show. More like the whole set up of the whole show...so I'm just going to pick up where the machine started at. It's the best I can do. -opens (for me at least) with the Big Bossman coming down the ramp to knock a little sense into this slacker Degeneration X/MTV watching/skinny little fagola X-Pac...and let's not forget...X-Pac was a member of the NWO at one time....and Bossman's memory is as looooong as his bowel movements.....oh yes children....oh yes. Time for a little PAYPACK by crackee.....a little TCB.....oh yes...oh yes......yes......yes.....y/n?....y -Little squirt didn't go down easy......Patterson could have told us that... -Bossy screamed that he WAS the Big Bossman......and that Ray Traylor idiot is a fudge packer -Lawler laughed about Shawn Michaels being fired?? Oh drat...I KNEW I missed something important. -Bossman took it to X-Pac, Old School....GO GET THE PUNK TRAYLOR!!!!!!! SHOW THESE YOUNG PUNKS HOW WE DID THINGS BACK IN THE DAY!!!!!!!!!!! -We? What is this "we", white man? "Young punks"? I'm still young dammit! I'm still down!! I can still hang with the groovy cats and pound down the 40's. I KNOW why these kids are buying Philly Blunts nowadays...I know all about it..I'm still hip, I'm still cool......hang on a second..... -....................................... -................................ -.............Okay, I'm back...I had to tell me downstairs neighbor to turn off that Rob Zombie racket......God...why does everything have to be so LOUD? -By the way...Rock is NOT dead...oh no....Axle is coming back.....Axle is coming.......may God have mercy on your souls...Axle will save us all...and save rock..... -damn kids. -Meanwhile...this crowd was JACKED as the Pac made his comeback....then he ate a Bossman boot and the comeback doth endeth verily. -Then Test came out..Kole acted like it was Hogan... -Then Val Venis came out....WHY??? WHAT THE FU..... -Kole said that Venis was there for a little payback from earlier....Ohhhkay....no problem...I squirt says the impotent penis. -It's a regular brohaha as the ref calls for the bell for no other reason other than the script told him to....I can take Venis in DX...if only to see if Chyna shoots a shower scene with him...hee hee...oh yeah baby. -Video footage of Shane training Vince in the weight room....REASON WHY BISCHOFF IS SUCH A LOSER #244: Look at Vince's BUILD baby!! WHOOOO. Vince can hack it in the ring. HE makes sense in there. -Shane on the other hand...looks like the only weight he ever lifted was his wallet.....and his foreskin...in short, jerky reps -Both men looked like they had a ball shooting that stuff.....I especially liked the time when Shane screamed, "COME ON POP!!! YOU EAT LIGHTNING AND CRAP THUNDER!!!".....how great would it have been if he replaced "Lightning" with "Nitro"....heh heh....eh....f-you -commercials -Camera is staring longly at the door....yeah, I miss Austin too. -oh..it's waiting for Michaels.....FAGGY door. -Goldust comes to the ring. I'm confused...is he a heel? Is he a face? Is he hetero? Is he gayer than Harvey Fierstein on Ecstasy? Is he pushed? Is he over? -By the way, I'd like to thank Al for the very generous Christmas Bonus he sent to me...it really helped with the bills and the last minute Christmas shopping Boss...thanks. -Steve Blackman came out as I was busy writing that above line that is more inside than you will ever know..I'm confused about Blackman too...is he Black? Is he a man? Is he a Steve? What happened to those dopey chopsticks he used to have? -Owen came out with a new "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" shirt.....a couple of people are seen wearing it....they must be Canadians....no fashion sense. -Incidentally, exactly what does Owen want to change? And how did he know the time was right for it? -by the way, I always thought programming Owen in against real tough guys (Shamrock, Severn, Blackman) this past year was a GREAT move..it really mad him look good to be going at it with real fighters. -Jarrett came out with Deborah.....Kole pushes the Skydome show going down a month after Nitro's Georgia Dome show...should be a cool comparison. -It's a tag match by the way.....when did Owen "unretire"? -Chants of "NUGGET"...either that or "HYATTE"........ -Kole lied and said that Owen INVENTED the Sharpshooter.......does Kole have any kids? -Suddenly, Dan Severn came back.......he's wearing a neck brace....he must've sprained his mustache. -Owen saw Severn and jumped out of the ring quickly apologizing.....Severn sort of walked/chased him around the ring....lucky for you, I am a trained lip reader and heard what Danny Boy was saying.....with numerous veins popping out of his head, Severn stared Owen down and said, "There's no time for us! There's no place for us! What is this thing that builds our dreams for us, then slips away? Who wants to live forever? Who dares to love forever?? There's no chance for us! It's all decided for us! This world has one sweet moment set aside for us!!" -Just you try, punks.....TRY IT!!! -Then Debbie got in front of Severn and smiled sweetly.....too bad for her, because if Severn is anything like his idol Freddie Mercury..then he isn't exactly (EDITED BY SCOOPS FOR OUR PROTECTION!! WE ARE TRYING TO GET SEVERN FOR AN OUT LOUD SEGMENT AND WE'LL BE DAMNED IF THIS UNRELIABLE HOMOPHOBE WRECKS IT FOR US!!!) plied him with enough Sea Breezes to float San Francisco. -Blackman rolled up Owen for the pin. Seems like you should know that. -Triple H and Chyna are walking. Kole got on the world's nerves by screaming, "THE PARKING LOT??? THE PARKING LOT??? OH MY GOD!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN THE PARKING LO.... -commercials (what a douche) -we see the Acolytes stick Dennis Knight in the trunk of a car and take off.... -we travel in time to see the Acolytes attack Knight before sticking him in said trunk of said car....does Fabian Cortez approve of this? (Heh..how cool am I huh?) -Kole is getting excited over this?? THIS???? -Suddenly, I'm re-thinking my opinion on Tony Schiavone -Triple H comes out with the rest of DX. -Since I have no desire to skirt this issue, or toss in an innuendo...or beat around her...I mean THE bush......I'll just come out and say it......I'd do Chyna even if she had crabs the size of cockroaches. I don't care (maybe even because) she now resembles Michael Jackson ever so slightly. -Triple H did his "Are you ready" thing...reminding the Albany crowd (they are in Albany by the ay...I just found that out) that this was where they started DX a few months ago.....HBK can go hump himself.....oopsie...he can't...he has a bad back. -Ken Shamrock comes out....brooking none of this suck nonsense... -Hour number douche arrives...GOD what a quick show...I guess I should change over to page two now...why not..let's go... Chris Hyatte
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