Raw Mop Up ... by Chris Hyatte

Limping some more...oww..Charley Horse...12/30/98 Mop-Up RAW (cont) -Bossman and Test come out with Shamrock too....Test is simply the goofiest name ever created....well.....right after (NAME OF A CERTAIN SOULESS WEB PERSON WHOM SCOOPS SIMPLY WILL NOT ALLOW TO BE WRITTEN BY HYATTE...DON'T PUSH US BOY). -Did Kole admit to having PMS? Is he a girl? Can he bear children?? Should I start watching Heat? Should I start recapping Heat? WHAT AM I MISSING??? -This is Helmsley's revenge for Shamrock messing him up some back in the day.... -Kole, "Fans, we here in the WWF encourage freedom of expression! We encourage signs of all kinds, but we will confiscate signs that are obscene! So bring all the signs you want, just keep them clean!" -Does that mean I CAN'T bring a sign reading, "PATTERSON LIKES HIS MEAT IN A CAN"? Or can I? -How about "PATTERSON HAS THE SUREFIRE CURE FOR CONSTIPATION" -What about, "FOR GOD'S SAKES PATTERSON..THAT'S AN EXIT!!!! NOT AN ENTRANCE!!!!" -well, if I ever bother to go to a RAW, I'll have to find out....yeah..like I would leave my house....that's a hoot. There's a better chance of seeing Internet "guru" B(EDITED BY SCOOPS...HYATTE...SO HELP US GOD....YOU'D BEST PULL A U TURN AND GET OFF THIS PATH!!!) with a real woman!!! That would be something -Trip H snuck a baseball slide kick into Test when the punk wasn't looking. -Kane was there too.... -Decent match...not good, not bad....standard House show fare I'd say. -How about that groovy sign that read, "I LOVE PORN" I smell my influence there... -Maybe it's time to bring back the Best Porn Star List again? Let me ponder this..... -Shamrock gets in the Ankle Lock.....HHH fights and fights... -and he grabs the ropes...one of the bad things about being a Heel, those finishing holds lose all their power...look at Hogan's legdrop! He NEVER wins with that anymore. -But Shamrock holds on to the Ankle Lock...one of the good things about being a Heel, those finishing holds don't have to be released.....look at Hogan's legdrop! He NEVER stops at just one anymore. -It ends up being a Corporation vs DX brawl....who'da thunk that? Kane didn't want to go in...but out charged Gerald (Mr Magoo) Brisco and Patrick (Mr Lovegoo) Patterson to order him in....only Satan (and mayhaps Dillenger) knows what Pat could threaten a Hell spawn like Kane with....and quite frankly, not even Satan would want to know.... -You know, since the Giant coming to the WWF is basically written in stone...I REALLY hope he does NOT become a member of the Corporation...much like the old NWO...it's already too filled with big men....of course, Kane being IN the Corporation could be a set up for a defection, then Vince could bring in the Giant to take care of Kane.....aha..makes sense to me...pretty good summation in fact....not bad at all. -DX scattered....the show scattered to some... -commercials -Hey Thunder is coming to Providence RI....I would go but.....it's Thunder.....for Chrissakes. Geeze, that's almost worse than going to WCW Sat Night.....you would have to be a total dweeb with great titties and bangs who enjoys blowing off the Internet King to go to WCW Sat Night.....friggin' little.........*&^%%$%#%@@# -What the F**K was that all about? -Kevin Kelly chatted with Billy Gunn. Shamrock showed up.....they argued...Gunn offered to pick up Shamrock's "card" for him...he must have been referring to the cue cards I guess....best I can come up with. -Smooth Rider Mark Henry comes to the ring with D-Lo.....now Lawler has PMS.....what is UP? -Oooooh...PMS=Pretty Mean Sisters....Jacqueline and Terri's little Support Group.....I would have gone for "Penis Manipulating Sluts from hell who enjoy STOMPING OUT MY GUTS AND ROLLING THEM IN THE MUD THEN CRAPPING ON THEM BEFORE INSERTING THEM BACK IN SIDEWAYS AND SEWING ME BACK UP WITH A RUSTY NAIL AND SOME DENTAL FLOSS YOU BITCH HOW DARE YOU BAG ME OUT HOW DARE YOU YOU STUPID LITTLE HUWAAAARRRR YEEEEEEEEEEEEEERGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -But that's just me -Henry has the mic and apologized to Chyna for his little porn act last week that STILL gets more than a few pre-teens snapping their carrots....not me of course...I'm a bit beyond that nickle and dime bondage stuff. -Terri and Jacky come on out......D-Lo grabs the mic... -Terri also has a mic and tell Henry to get back on his knees because they weren't done with him......Lawler seems to think she's porking up...I'm too busy obsessing on whether she has any underwear on..... -The broads hit the ring and tell Henry that they have plans...D-Lo gets tough on them and calls them "glorified ring rats".......then tells them to back off...oh yes....and they had best recognize. -Meanwhile, Teddy Long is taking notes...oh yes, he's keeping a journal of ALL this. -CHYNA COMES OUT???? Now things are getting interesting. -Chyna looks at the chicks with a mic and says, "He may be a Gentleman, but I'm not!!" -Terri ducks out of the way while Jacky sizes the big gal up.... -Her Chyness, "I'm telling you for the first and last time..stay away from my man!!" -Jacky isn't impressed......Chyna grabs her by the throat and shoves her down....the PMSers take off, Chyna says that next time she won't be nice...Henry flips out as if it's Christmas and Santa brought him a white woman....oh...wait a second. -Chyna to Henry, "I'll see you later"....she has braces on the bottom of her teeth..... -........................... -okay...I'm not sure how SCOOPS will take this...so I am going to offer two "punchlines"....a dirty one..and a clean one.....if SCOOPS feels the need to edit the dirty one, I totally understand (note...you can also use both if you wish): -Punchline #1 (dirty)...Well, I guess Chyna now officially qualifies as a "Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker" -Punchline #2 (clean)...If Chyna's braces gets to close to Henry's "package" would his thingy become a compass and automatically point North? -Hmmm......I wonder how this will be handled.... - (Al's note: For the holidays Hyatte, why not.) -Backstage, Vince and his boys are conspiring and laughing.....Patterson has a hand buzzer....ONLY IT'S NOT ATTACHED TO HIS HAND!!!!!!!! -commercials -Bossman, Kane, Shamrock, and Test are looking for someone.......either that, or Vince's piece pulled a Spartacus and rebelled. -It's the WWF: Year in Review!! It was 6 minutes long. The Bischoff Retrospective was 3 minutes, 55 seconds long........chew on that fact for a while. -I guess the Toupee found refuge with one of the Godfather's Ho's...where on Earth could it have hid itself....someplace warm....moist...and hairy would be my best guess. -Anywhoo...they beat the snot out of the Godfather before his braids could start to whip around and around and carry him off to safety. -The Ho's did what they did best...screamed and did nothing...useless little........friggin'....yyyyyyEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!!! -commercials -Bad Ass came out, promises to get the IC belt, made everyone say SUCK IT, waited for The Godfather, saw Shane McMahon come out, heard Shane say that the Godfather was replaced by the Corporate Kane, observed the Corporate Kane come out, fought the Corporate Kane, felt Shamrock put his Ankle in a Lock, heard Patterson distract the ref by saying, "Would you disqualify me for laying hands on you?", found himself being rolled into the ring, realized that he was being pinned, noticed that Patterson was pointing to his nether regions and screaming, "MORE, MORE", experienced a chokeslam by Kane, understood that Patterson wanted another one, perceived that he was about to be chokeslammed again, realized that X-Pac saved him with a Missile Dropkick, listened to the bell ring, then walked off to get paid. It only took me one sentence to recap this. -commercials -The Rock came out for some piece of business. I would assume he had something to say.... -Yes he did, he took a seat at the Announcer table...he told Michael Kole to shut his mouth twice in 20 seconds -Road Dog came out and did his thing. Maivia criticized him for saying the same thing over and over and over and over again.....Boy...I HATE that....there is NOTHING that microwaves my oatmeal more than when someone repeats himself over and over again...man!! -Hey!! I thought I saw the UNPREDICTABLE JOHNNY RODZ in the crowd with Patterson sitting on his lap screaming, "MY GOD!!!! THEY RIP OFF EVERYTHING!!!! all the while watching out for the all seeing eyes of the dark Chyld Dillenger who has joined up with the dreaded Villanos and has bailed out Z-Smooth to hunt down all my ex-girlfriends and bring them to my house so I can spittake all over my poor doggy!!!! -Oh, sorry, I was wrong..it was just a fan with an Austin 3:16 shirt...my bad. -Mankind was taking on Road Dog for the Hardcore title....the Rock was rolling on about having a Lay the Smack Down Hotel on the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabronie Avenue....Kole gave me a laugh by waiting a beat, then saying, "What?" -commercials -The fight was on.....Maivia said the word "Electrifying" 17 times in 10 seconds. -by the way, Shawn Michaels finally arrived to be fired... -Kole was informed that one more wrong word and he will be missing his taste buds and the yellow off his teeth.....Patterson can be SO kinky!!!!! -The match was moving along steadily.....tables were employed...as was a toolbox..... -Road Dog Russian Legswept Mankind onto a chair.....meanwhile, Kole had a second offer to lose his sense of taste. -Piledriver on a metal tray.....on someone by someone..... -"You shut your mouth Michael Kole or the Rock will knock the Toupee off your head!!!!" HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA -The match went into the fans.....then into the Penalty Box.....some poor Jabrony... -"Shawn Michaels is about 10 pounds of Monkey Trash in a 5 pound bag, if you smell what the Rock is cooking!!!" Too funny...too funny. -Mr. Socko came out....Kole, "Rock, you know what that tastes like!!" Rock, "You're gonna taste the Rock's foot in your ass! How "bout that?" -Mankind puts an elbow threw a table with Road Dog jammed in the middle.... -The Rock ran in and gave Mankind the Rock Bottom.....Doggy got the quick pin soon after.. -Aww....what a good sportman....Road Dog didn't want to win like this...he wanted to win CLEANLY......he took off pissed...so pissed that he was later seen putting Tom Brandi in a Dumpster and pitching it off the side of the ramp. Good sportman...heh. -Out comes Vincent K. (revolt one more time and I'll turn you into Patterson's Love Hanky) McMahon to cap off this night. He has a mic and asks Team Corporate to stay backstage because he has a shot to take. He calls out Michaels.... -Shawn comes out. -First off, Vince reminded Shawn of the millions of marketing dollars he pumped into the HBK character.... -Then he showed us a video of Michaels in a pre-Wrestlemania monologue where Michaels says that he doesn't need Vince, but Vince needs HIM.....(backstage, a sulking Pat started wandering the area whispering, "Who needs me? Anyone? I'm a great coooook? I just want to be loved! Is that so wrong?" -Then Vince shows us how Michaels held back the Corporation while Shane was getting tuned on by Mankind. -Michaels is a great competitor..but as a Commissioner..he sucks. -Vince McMahon doesn't lay down for anybody...... -Then he fired Shawn as WWF Commissioner -Soooo....Shawn gave him a Superkick....thus incurring the Wrath of none other than...GLACIER!!!!!!!! -The "BoyToy" music came on...Shawn yanked off his jacket, his tie, and ripped his shirt open..the fans popped...Vince was out cold..... -The cameras YANKED away before we could see it..but I just KNOW that Shawn started to hump Vince's face for a few instants before Team Corporate charged and he scooted away through the seats. The show ended right here. Umm...I missed the first 30 minutes, but the rest of the show as alright. Not the best, not the worst...just decent. Things are moving just fine without Austin and the UT...but they are missing that certain something without them.....especially Austin. hell, they're missing a certain something without Ross too....Kole is okay....at times good, and at times horrible.....he sure mellowed out since he was first doing RAW with Jimbo....he's better at the play by play....but he's still missing some charisma......Lawler can't work it alone...although he tries...dear Lord...he tries. I have to bang out a Nitro recap in like 2 hours....times a wasting, so I'm going to go write it..you sit there and wait.....bitch. Chris Hyatte
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