And Another Thing: Welcome To Greatness
Posted by Hyatte on 01.01.1999
An introduction to the greatest columns ever written
*Before you start reading, you should know that this entry contains no worthwhile information at all, and I’m letting my raging ego take over. Hey, it’s either this or I force 411 to go dark and let everyone assume the worst and start kissing my ass in my forums, while I soak up the adoration while jacking off to a picture of my girlfriend who lives a full country away.
Whenever I’m online, someone will always ask, “Where can I get your old Mop-Ups?”
You know what, probably never. You should have been there when they first came out. Your loss, spanky.
Actually, the thing with the Mop-Ups is that as a whole, they are very linear. It’s a very “of the moment” kind of column. In order to fully understand everything you’re looking at, you would need to know what was happening that month--not just in wrestling either, but in my life, or on the Internet. It practically played as a soap opera... with vacations, lots and lots of vacations.
That’s the ego boosting excuse... the REAL reason why I don’t want to post them is if you start reading bulk old Mop-Ups, you’ll start seeing a pattern of the same old jokes used over and over and over. Old readers are used to this, and it doesn’t really bother them, but new readers might read the old ones and realize that the Emperor is actually butt naked.
See, it has dawned on me that there is a new generation of readers out there, people who are just discovering this net thing and the personalities in it (some give me credit for inventing the term “IWC” or worse... the “IWP”. I didn’t, I wouldn’t, and F*ck you for even thinking I would. A sad fellow by the name of Sean Shannon invented it. I ended up chasing him away, by the way). When I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that net readers come in “waves”, one big waves bring a new bunch of readers (we’re talking thousands--tens of thousands--at a clip). Well, from what I can tell, the most recent big wave hit right around the time I started doing the Midnight News for the first time last year. That’s a lot of people who do not know that Doug Dillenger, WCW’s Chief of Security, is actually the AntiChrist. That’s a lot of people who do not know about the Cartel, La Familia, or just how many Villanos are out there and what sort of influence they actually have. Good stuff in those columns, but they are surrounded in boring crap such as net feuds, odd commentary, and generally weak material. I’d rather present them in a better way.... like cutting the fat out and just serving the meat. I’ll work on that for ya’ one day.
By now, you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh Jesus, this asshole is spouting off about this nonsense. He really has no life. He has nothing other than the web. He’s so sad.” Well, I KNOW how silly this thing is sounding so far, just hang on... there is a story here, plot and all.
So, now that I’ve established that I think the Mop-Ups are more or less crap with the occasional pearl lodged somewhere in the loaf, we can look at my “other” column, “And Another Thing”.
Back at Scoops, I was the man. From 1997 to just a week or two into 2000 I was the recapping King. Everyone read me. And why not? I was funny, dirty, aggressive, and honest--pretty much the complete opposite of al those “oh I must be taken SERIOUSLY” writers out there. I hated all of them, still do for the most part. I was an asshole, and had no problems with that. It caught on. Plus, Al Isaacs loved me. I started beefing with a group of mostly bad writers called the NWWWO, mostly Sean Shannon: their “leader” and ironically, the one who truly had no business being in front of a keyboard. So, I was bashing them here and there, having fun and all that, then I decided to take it even further; as well as do something different.
When I surfed around, looking for good stuff to read, I was blown away by the level of piss poor columns and the utter laziness of most writers. These so-called “serious” columns, usually nothing more than a collection of “random thoughts”. The thing is, not even THOSE columns were very thought out. You could tell that the writer just turned on his computer, sat in front of a blank screen, and started typing the first thing that popped into his little head. And that was intelligent net commentary?
So, I decided to show everyone how to do it, with just a little bit of thought and effort. I asked Al for another column, outlined my proposal, and he said no problem.
Voila, “And Another Thing” was born. For me, the key was to NOT give myself a deadline. If it took three weeks, or even a month to do a new one, then that’s what I would do. Quality must overcome quantity. Web guys don’t understand that. They think they HAVE to have a presence every week, or else their lives and the lives of their readers would FALL APART! Give me a break.
It took a while for it to catch on, and it took a while for me to hit a real groove with the “straight” columns, but when they grooved, oh MAN, did I blow minds. Wow, actual THOUGHT was placed in these columns! Man, someone actually put EFFORT into a column? Man, Hyatte is really sort of SMART! The guy who everyone had pegged as just a moron with a Howard Stern hardon and a low brow sense of humor actually had skills! It didn’t take long for the NWWWO writers to decide that they really were outclassed, so they all pretty much stopped.... except for their “leader”, who was too dumb, proud to know when he had no chance to outwrite/outwit me. He was fun.
Then I left Scoops and hooked up ScoopThis. After a while, I asked NoSoul (site owner Erik Ashley) if he would post new AAT’s. He, of course, said no. See, ScoopThis was a PARODY of wrestling sites. It was the ONION of wrestling sites. No room for serious columns here. I pointed out that there was nothing on this site other than the Mop-Ups, as everyone else long since contributing anything and whoever played “Dusty: The Fat, Bitter, Cat” this week was AWOL. He still said no, and then lectured me on how I should never argue with him, and how I would be nothing without him. And he was SERIOUS about it, too; that was the sad thing.
So, I started looking for sites to carry AAT. I had it down to two start up sites. One that Widro was opening up with Murtz Jaffer and another by strangers. I went with Widro and AAT debuted on www.realwrestlingshow.com.
Don’t bother, it’s gone.
What, you never heard of the real wrestling show site? Don’t worry, no one else has either. See, NoSoul, along as not letting AAT on his site, didn’t want me PLUGGING AAT on another site. “You are EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY of ScoopThis, Chris! That’s the way it will be!”
“But NoSoul, I don’t get paid. And seeing how the site is sinking harder than a lead fart, it doesn’t look like I ever will. How can I be exclusive property? Even slave laborers got SOME sort of stipend.”
Oh, the lectures he gave. Oh, they were a trip. Maybe I’ll go digging around and post as many as I can find one day.
Let’s flash forward, because this is longer than I expected and you are probably bored to tears. ScoopThis closed, I joined 411 and here we are. Widro had been working on getting all of Scooter Keith’s “rants” (oh... ick) archived and posted, so he asked me if I would like the Mop-Ups to get the same treatment. I said no, for mostly the reasons I described above, but I DO like the idea of getting my entire AAT line posted. He was down with it. So, here it is.
Now, I’ve made this as easy as possible for Widro to post in an orderly fashion, but in case he does it differently then what I envision, I added some stuff in the text to help you understand what was going on at the time. There are six old Scoops columns that haven’t been seen in a while, (the other Scoops stuff is already in the archives, Hyatte does love re-running old stuff). There are five or six columns from the real wrestling show that I KNOW will be new to you, and the rest are 411 stuff that was previously lost. There is some great stuff here, including the two “Road” columns, the “Last Battle of Atlanta”, and my personal fave, “WWJD in WCW”. There is also some really good commentary that you might remember, and some clunkers too.
But even the clunkers are pretty good, dammit. When I looked over them, some really seemed in need for a re-write (“The Enigma With A Pompadour” is dying for one) and some are very dated, (but in the every changing business of pro wrestling, that can’t be helped). Others are just repeating of the same theme too; it's what happens when I try to make them weekly, but there's nothing really to write about. But they are all here, my entire collection. Guaranteed hours worth of reading.
So, the question is, will I do more? Well, I don’t think so. See, going over them I realized that my mind is in a totally different place these days. I am not in the frame to put forth all the effort needed for a really rocko-socko column--the only type of column I would allow myself to do. Oh, I have ideas... like a story about the one time the NWA really suckered Vince McMahon into buying wrestling’s version of “The Brooklyn Bridge”, and a look at the Von Erichs, and the sad tale of Adorable Adrian... but I just can’t bring myself to do them. If you see a new AAT pop up, it’ll be a pure fiction piece... like the stuff Josh Grut does all the time. After all, I did inspire him.
So, here it is. My body of work. Hopefully, you’ll like most, but you’ll respect them all, I think. If I haven’t beaten you over the head enough, let me once again remind you... it’s how all columns should be, with thought, effort, and NOT one sided. Everyone else is so pissy, so negative, they write like they someone who was rejected by the WWE for a writing gig more than once, and damn are they bitter. You’ll find little to no bitterness here. Just some commentary, with zero random thoughts. That alone is worth your time. Plus, I included two bonus “treats” at the bottom, just as thanks for sticking around this long.
Ah, and no trace of ego in there either. Believe it or not.
So, am I full of shit, or am I really good? I know the answer, but I’ll respect your opinion. Well, not really... but who cares?
It’s just the Internet.
This is Hyatte too.