And Another Thing: The Bret Hart Interview
Posted by Hyatte on 01.01.2000
Chris Hyatte and Dave Gagnon sit down for an exclusive(ly fake) interview with the Hitman.
You’ve come this far, now you get a couple of treats.
This first is an interview conducted with Bret Hart between myself and Dave Gagnon. It’s pretty funny.
(originally presented Summer, 1999: 411 wrestling)
INTERVIEW WITH BRET HART
DG: Bret, I would like to thank you for this opportunity to interview you. I have been preparing questions for a year now.
HY: Yes Bret..this is quite the thrill for us, after a year of waiting!
BH: No problem.
DG: All right, so my first question is: How is you’re brother Owen Hart doing?
HY.: MY GOD DAVE!!
DG: Oops, I think we'll forget my old questions.
HY: Maybe I should start. Bret, how can you survive the rigors of the road while still keeping a marriage strong?
BH: WHAT??? HOW DARE YOU!!
DG: MY GOD HYATTE!!!
HY: WHAAT? Am I missing something? Did your wife die too?
DG: Mr. Hart and his wife are currently in the midst of divorce proceedings.
HY: Oh. Here Dave..put my old questions in the trash with yours.
BH: Maybe we should end this fiasco right now. I have better things to do.
HY: Such as?
BH: Sitting on my lazy ass, drinking cheap Canadian beer while thinking about my upcoming divorce that you American pig so ignorantly reminded me of.
DG: Please Bret, I’m a Brother of the Tundra with you. Could you please stick around a little longer? For me? Your fellow Countryman?
BH: Okay...but no more funny business!
HY: Yeah Bret...relax. Can I get you anything? A Beer? An Alanis Morrisette Tape? A bottle of shampoo?
DG: Bret, when will you return to the ring?.
BH: You know Dave, great athletes have retired this year and it makes me wonder, how wrestling would be without me? Would it be like football without John Elway? Would it be like hockey without Wayne Gretzky? Would it be like basketball without Michael Jordan? Would it be like...
DG: COULD YOU ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION?
BH: Until I can't milk any more money from WCW for sitting on my lazy ass, drinking cheap Canadian beer while thinking about my upcoming divorce that you American pig so ignorantly reminded me of.
HY: Gee whiz Bret, I apologized for that already. You’re fellow Canuck brought up your Brother Owen and you let it fly!
BH: That is because Dave and myself speak the same language
HY: So do I. We all speak English.
DG: But you don’t speak Canadian.
BH: You American Dog wouldn’t be smart enough to comprehend our language.
HY: Does this have anything to do with how you guys pronounce the word “about”?
DG: No, this isn’t aboot “aboot”.
BH & DG: ABOOT
HY: ABOWT Dammit!
BH: This interview is ABOWT to be over
HY: okay, okay..have it your way
BH: Good. It’s aboot time you smartened up.
DG: As I said, our secret language is nothing aboot “aboot”
HY: Then what is it “aboot”?
BH: Lithy exprute hellowey om direstity kiy
DG: Paloch heff nomle din
BH: Priso tut Bruce Vilanch scofe
Both Bret and Dave laugh hysterically
HY: Could you possibly go back to a language all the readers could understand?
DG: Trust me, millions of Canadians are laughing their butts off.
BH: Yes. I told you. The primitive ears of an American could not decipher the song of our Land.
HY: Fine..whatever. But am I crazy or did you just reference the head writer from Whoppie Goldberg’s “Hollywood Squares”?
DG: You’re crazy
BH: And ignorant. And American
HY: Okay, let’s move on.
BH: Infidel cur.
HY: I’M aboot to leave now
DG: Ignore him. Bret, what's worse? Getting screwed by the WWF and getting misused by WCW?
BH: I don't care much about that, nothing was worst than giving a sponge bath to Stu.
HY: Isn’t it true that your wife wants custody of Stu in the Divorce?
BH: I’ll fight her on that until my youngest Brother’s dying breath!
DG: Uhh Bret
BH: QUIET!! I know what I just said.
DG: Do you really think that you're the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be?
BH: Of course! I am so good, the last time I did an interview in WCW, I saw Christopher Reeves giving me a standing ovation.
HY: That was, of course, your “I might just retire from this nonsense” speech on Nitro right?
HY: Didn’t that speech get killed in the ratings by another Debra “puppy” segment?
BH: MINDLESS SEX AND JUVENILE T & A!! EVER SINCE I LEFT, “RAW IS WAR” HAS BECOME “RAW IS PORN”!
BH: You heard me!
HY: Weren’t you thrown out on you’re Canadian tuckus?
BH: NO!! I left Vince and his evil plans on my own accord!
DG: But the movie said....
BH: Oh right..that damn movie. I forgot. I WAS SCREWED!! IT WAS THE SINGLE BIGGEST CONSPIRACY IN HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION!!
HY: The biggest? Oh come now!
BH: In recorded time? Since we descended from the trees? Yes! It’s the biggest conspiracy EVER!
DG: Bigger than JFK?
HY: The Limburg Baby?
BH: Much Bigger.
DG: The continued career of Kanyon?
BH: BI.....well, maybe not THAT big.
DG: Was that screwjob part of the reason why you hate Shawn Michaels?
BH: I hate Shawn because he didn't want to job to me. He is such a prick, such an egomaniac, he is not a man of honor like I am.
HY: What do you think of Buff Bagwell?
BH: I HATE HIM! AND I WILL NEVER JOB TO HIM BECAUSE HE WILL NEVER REACH MY LEVEL OF GREATNESS. I AM THE KING! I AM BEYOND HUMAN! IF YOUR KIDS DON'T LIKE ME, SACRIFICE THEM! THAT'S RIGHT! KILL THEM BECAUSE THE HITMAN IS YOUR LORD.
HY: Bret, Dave briefly touched on you’re movie. Any new projects coming up?
BH: Yes, I will shoot the sequel of "Hitman Hart: Wrestling With Shadows". The movie will talk about my days in WCW. The title will be: "Hitman Hart: Jobbing To Old Farts".
DG: Tell us aboot you shocking the world and fighting Hulk Hogan in San Francisco?
BH: Well, I was in town, getting a rubdown with Pat Patterson in a local Bath Ho....err...Massage Parlor when Eric Bischoff called and asked me if I could help them out at the Cow Palace. Seems that Flair is in a snit over putting over a Foam Goldberg hand and wasn’t showing up.
HY: Plus Savage went on strike too right?
BH: Right, but he was just pissed because they wouldn’t let him set George on fire in the middle of the ring.
DG: Damn them and their conservative ways!
BH: She’s a nice girl.
DG: Who? Patterson?
BH: No, George. She should have talked Randy into setting her ablaze. A little makeup would have covered up and skin grafts.
DG: Do you know her well?
BH: Let’s just say, I’ve had a few “Georgie Days.” Heh heh heh.
HY: I hear it’s now part of the WCW Incentive program.
BH: I’ve had a few “Torrie Days too.” Ho ho ho
DG: Any “A.C. Jazzy Days” Ha Ha Ha?
BH: No, but I had some “Chaey Days”. Hee hee hee
DG: Hah hah hah
BH: Haw haw haw
HY: Bwa ha ha
DG: OH shut up Hyatte
BH: yes, ZIP IT, Hyenia!
HY: I thought Austin was a Hyenia?
DG: All Americans are Hyenias
BH: Yes, Mongrel giggling HOSERS!!! THE LOT OF YOU!
HY: Bret...could we get back to the Hogan match?
BH: Very well....so Eric Bischoff, who is the kindest, sweetest, smartest....
DG: I love you man, but get to the point.
BH: ...roughest, toughest, sagacious, bravest, humanist, benevolentist...
HY: WE GET THE POINT!!
BH: SHUSH!! Every time I compliment him, I get another hundred thou..
DG: Yeah Hyatte...the man HAS to eat. Finish Bret.
BH...gentlest, insightfullest, wisest man I have EVER met.
DG: Just let it go Hyatte, please.
BH: Bischoff called me and said that they were in a jam. So I went over there and gave the fans a treat. Myself vs Hulk Hogan. A Wrestling fan’s Dream Match! two warriors, for the first time! NO HOLD’S BARRED!!! WINNER TAKES ALL!!!! TO FINALLY SEE WHO IS THE DEFINING WRESTLER OF THE SECOND HALF OF THE CENTURY!!!!
DG: And how did it end?
BH: Sid Vicious and Rick Steiner ran in and caused a heart stopping disqualification.
HY: A screwjob?
BH: No...a senses shattering finale that blew the roof off the dump.
HY: No clear winner right?
HY: A screwjob then.
BH: WCW does not do “screwjobs”. That’s Vince’s job.
DG: WCW DOES NOT DO SCREWJOBS???
BH: None that I have seen.
HY: Say Bret...what time do you fall asleep on Monday nights?
BH: 10:55 p.m.....out like a light.
HY: Of course.
DG: One last thing Bret. Davey Boy Smith.
BH: Ungrateful swine! Eric and I would have made him a STAR in WCW!
HY: I thought he was already a star?
BH: We would have made him a BIGGER star. But he betrayed me and went to the man who screwed me and killed my Brother!
HY: I thought they proved that it was an accident?
DG: And I also thought you aren’t legally allowed to talk about that due to your impending lawsuit?
BH: Oh..right...friggin’ American laws. Damn them all to Hell.
HY: Yet you have no problems using it to sue the WWF?
BH: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!!! I’M GONNA SUE THEM DOWN TO THEIR
DG: Let’s get back to you’re Brother in Law
BH: British Bastard!!! To think I allowed my Sister to be soiled by his Limey seed!
HY: Why are you mad at him?
BH: He is returning to the WWF. The company that ruined my life!
DG: Well, Bischoff did fire him!
BH: Nonsense. Eric is too nice to fire anyone. That is all Internet lies and gossip! Al Isaacs must have made the story up.
HY: No, no, no! He WAS fired. While in a body cast after being bodyslammed in a WCW ring...on top of that stupid trapdoor they set up for the Warrior! He was damn near paralyzed.
BH: I am aware of this. I AM his Brother in Law you know.
DG: Right, so why do you say he wasn’t fired?
BH: His contract was temporarily on hiatus while Eric channeled his money into bigger, ratings grabbing products.
HY: Don’t tell me...
DG: Oh no....
BH: That’s right. Eric used Davey Boy’s money to hire MASTER D!!!
BH: No thanks...I already relieved myself 30 minutes ago.
DG: Eric fired the Bulldog so he could hire a RAPPER?
BH: I told you he was the smartest.
HY: So he WAS fired?
BH: No, he was subject to a “re-evaluation of his contract.”
HY: Just like Vince did to you?
BH: yes...NO.....err..yes....NO NO.....umm...is that the phone ringing?
BH: Yes..I have to go answer it. Interview over.
HY: I don’t hear anything Bret. there is no phone ringing.
BH: LYING AMERICAN NAZI!!!! YOU KNOW THERE IS A PHONE RINGING. I HAVE TO GO!!
DG: Quickly Bret. Why did you say that you would run over the Bulldog with your car when you see him?
BH: Oh...because he’s British.
HY: Oh, so it was a poke at the British for always driving on the opposite side of the road?
BH: No..because he’s British. Is there a better reason?
DG: Hell no.
HY: I guess not.
DG: Bret, thank you for your time.
BH: You’re very welcome
HY: yes Bret, thank you
BH: Take off eh?
DG: Groddle fe letop phe eskred.
BH: Spuddik lon paj ruball
HY: Any chance of getting that in English?
DG & BH: NO!!!
HY: Okay, okay.
HY: This is Hyatte too