Mop-Up Nitro 7-24-00
Incidentally, and for the record... it took me five days to figure out why I had a mess of
e-mails asking me what was the only other word that had 6 consecutive consonants in a row. The answer is “archtype”. If you choose to argue this point, claiming that the real spelling is “archetype” or “arch type”, please remember that the word “catchphrase” is actually “catch phrase”... with “catch” being the passive adjective to the noun “phrase”... so the foundation on which this thing is based upon is quite suspect. And if you don’t like that one... then try “encrypted”... so long as you accept “Y” as a consonant.
Ah, and as for how MANY e-mails I received regarding this matter... I have to stick by
the old Web Guy credo, “Juice Up the Numbers to Ridiculous Levels” and say I got WELL over 12’000 little buggers... the boy is POPULAR.
NITRO: (or: Vote for ANYBODY... so long as it’s Goldberg)
-WCW logo. Is WCW still “out there”?
-Opening theme, which is a Monday Nitro TNT Graphic with a huge fireball exploding
behind it. It’s the closest WCW has gotten to being “on fire” in a long, long time.
- As the fireworks go off, Tony “Little Pussy” Schiavone welcomes us to Cleveland, Ohio... a State with the famous “Columbus Zoo”, the “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame”, and Ken Griffey Jr. As well as more Wrestling Web Monkeys than anywhere else. Must be because they are only a pond away from being a Canadian Province. YOU CAN HAVE
IT CANADA!!! WE’LL DO JUST FINE WITH 49 STATES!!!
-Tony re-assures us that they are BACK TO THEIR REGULAR TIME SLOT!!! Sadly, few noticed.
-Mark Madden was there with Tony. Adam Kelter was nice enough to send me a tape of Mark Madden on a local Pittsburgh talk show. All it proved was that madden is nothing more than a Jim Rome wannabe. He has yet to make up a useful catchphrase of his own, and in fact ADMITS to stealing other people’s words. He’s nothing. He’s shit. If I ever went head to head with him, I would crush him verbally, physically, AND emotionally.
-In short, look up “fresh” in the dictionary and it’ll say “Anything but Madden”.
-Tubby Bitch brags about all the money he makes. You’d be rich too if you held down 6 jobs. The key is to have ONE job and be so good at it, they pay you handsomely... not several jobs that you are only marginally good at so they throw you scraps.
-Oh, and Adam also included a Janine porn on the tape. I appreciate the effort, but Janine
does NOTHING for me. If YOU have some sick porn, I’ll take a copy. We’ll make a game out of it... see what sort of perverted minds people have.
-and of COURSE Snuff Films exist... don’t be ridiculous. Christ, I’ve SEEN one... a
long, long, time ago. I WILL say no more, so don’t ask.
-Kicking things off, the new US champion, Lance Storm comes out. He has turned the
US belt into the “Canadian Heavyweight Championship” which is not quite as threatening as the time Nikita Koloff vowed to bring the US title back to “Mother Russia” and only defend it there. Thank GOD Magnum worked the “Crippled” gimmick so Nikita could turn Face and stay in America... Thank God indeed.
-Unfortunately, Magnum is STILL working that gimmick.
-Snuff Films exist... SHOOTS DON’T!!!!!!!!!
-Tony refuses to call it the Canuck belt. Madden calls it the Canuck belt. Hudson sits on
the fence and refuses to take a side. He could have a great career as a web guy.
-Storm gets on the mic and says, “Now that I am the CANADIAN Heavyweight Champion...”
-Tony, “NOOoo he’s not!”
-Madden, “YEEES he is!”
-See why he has 6 jobs? This gig, an Internet column (or two... unless he dumped Bob
and Dave like he dumped Samuda), a newspaper column, a WCW magazine column, an hour-long radio show, and a gig as color man for the Penguins radio broadcast.
-Amazingly, all that work, yet he still has time to gorge himself on junk food.
-Storm asked us to all ride for the playing of the National Anthem. Then they played it.
-They also lowered a Canadian Flag for him.
-Hey, this is all well and good... and it’s great for Storm to get this huge push... BUT...
-1) All they are doing is sending a message to WWF workers saying that WCW Pushes guys right out of the box, so sign up today! Which isn’t a bad statement, business-wise.
-2) The Announcers showed TOTAL IGNORANCE by yammering on as they played the Anthem. They wouldn’t do that anywhere else. Next week, Hudson runs into the ring, tears down that hanging Flag, and ejaculates on it.
-Then again... it is Canada... which is more basically America Jr. So I guess it’s all good.
-3) Now the fact that they show signs saying “The Perfect Storm”... which brings up a
movie based on the real life DEATHS of actual people... really is offensive. You’d think
TNT would have something to say about that. Naturally, Bob Ryder has no problem with
this. The WWF basing a PPV on Gambling is morally disgusting... but THIS is A-OK.
-Next week, Marky Mark and George Clooney come out and demand a rematch with Storm... CAN THEY SINK ANY DEEPER??????
-HUGE closeup on Storm’s rigid face. He’s SUPPOSED to look like a Nazi. Canada = Evil.
-Is it any wonder Bret’s working that migraine angle?
-Madden tries to sing the Anthem. Hudson blames him for “sterilizing every Cat on Lake
Erie”. What does that even MEAN?????
-Tony didn’t know either, he chortled and asked, “Every cat on Lake Erie?” Hudson replied, “well... they’re all OVER the place!!” (That almost qualifies as a good cover up)
-I tell you... dump the Loser and you have a solid announce team. Not spectacular, but quite decent.
-The Anthem finished. Storm looked around, then brought the mic up to his lips.
-Storm, “If I can be serious for a minute”... exactly when was he being funny?
-Madden, “I can watch him all night!” (well, I guess he’s a fag too)
-Storm is upset with the utter lack of disrespect the fans have shown him. He continued by saying that since America is currently lacking any real role models... he would think they’d hop all over him.
-Hudson, “WHAT ABOUT TIGER WOODS?? WHAT ABOUT LANCE ARMSTRONG??” Whoa... a GOLFER??? A BIKER!!! Are you nuts???
-Someone chasing a little white ball around is NOT a role model. Someone whose crazy Father literally GLUED a Golf Club to his hands AT THE AGE OF FOUR is NOT a Role Model. Sure, he might very well be the best damn Golfer ever... but his NO role model.
-Someone who beat Cancer and rode a bike around France is NOT a role model. If you removed the seat so every time he sat down he was invaded by a long pipe... okay... MAYBE... but only if he didn’t like it.
-You know who is a Role Model? ME!!!! I once banged a Girl with AIDS! THAT’S Heroic!
-Relax... I wore a rubber AND put a Bible under my Pillow. I also had a special bottle of
Whiskey blessed by a Priest AND a Rabbi, then poured half of it right down there. She was sterilized.
-Camera focuses on some fat douchebag with what appears to be a Viking cap on his head... with a horn sticking out of the front that truly looked like a pecker. Bet’cha it’s Scaia.
-Storm criticized the “moral standards” of our Country... (yeah, but that’s why we ROCK!)
-It’s not Lance’s fault that all great wrestling champions come from Canada. (Hellwig’s a Canuck?)
-Storm ran down Mike Awesome a bit. They have a PPV match at “New Blood Rising”. It’s sad that the New Blood gimmick really didn’t last long enough to actually make it to the PPV that honors it.
-Hudson goofed on Storm saying “oot” instead of “out”. That IS rather amusing.
-Before the Awesome match (which is the ONLY way you can use the word “Awesome” to describe a... oh forget it), Storm would like a “tune-up” match against anyone in the back. So he called out someone to step to and be educated. He made it clear that he was the “Greatest Technical Wrestler ALIVE”... (sigh)
-Who should come out but Big Vito. What retard thought to make an Italian Tough Guy who was the Hardcore Champ wear a Singlet?
-Now THIS was a sweet move. In 99.9% of these “Open Challenge” situations, the guy who makes the challenge will immediately bitch about who steps out from the back. He might even yell, “NO, NO!! I DIDN’T MEAN YOU!!”. Storm, on the other hand, almost smiled when Vito came out... as if to say, “heh... this LIGHTWEIGHT?” That’s
-Vito came out. He demanded that the Sound Guy cut his music a full 3 seconds AFTER the Sound Guy cut off his music. (Must be contagious, because someone did the exact same thing to Road Dogg later tonight)
-Vito said that even though he is Italian, he does NOT run away from open challenges
(heh... that’s a new one!). He said that he has the “biggest Grapefruits in the back” (Still
trying to associate themselves with the WWF, eh?).
-He also said, “Everyone knows, YOU can’t kick MY ass!!” I WANT TO MEET ONE... JUST ONE PERSON WHO “KNEW” THIS!!!!
-Basically, he wants to fight Storm right there, right then because “YOU SUCK” (now THAT’S Italian logic at work!)
-Vito marched to the ring. Storm stuck his hand out and motioned with his fingers to “just bring it”. Then he picked up the mic and said that he “did this for a living” (so... this is a Hobby for everyone else?), and since the US/Canoodle belt is on the line... let’s make it sporty and put the Hardcore belt on the line too?
-Vito agreed, mostly because the US belt “don’t mean ‘gots’. Storm attacked.
-Madden, showing off verbal timing that is as well disciplined as his eating habits, stated
that Vito had virtually NO wrestling skill at all. Vito was a pure brawler.
-Unfortunately, he said this just as Vito gave Storm a beautiful belly to belly armdrag
takedown. Hudson and Tony goofed on Madden for this.
-Madden, doing the worst thing an announcer can possibly do when he screws up, brings even MORE attention to his error by saying, “I didn’t SAY he had no skill... I... I said...”. Then fell silent.
-Shooting fish in a bucket is harder than picking this Douchebag apart.
-After exchanging blows... Vito went outside and came up with a baseball bat and a Traffic cone. He wedged the Cone between Storm’s legs, then whacked it with the bat. Bad spot simply because the camera was at the wrong place.
-Madden, “That may have killed Canada’s National Bird” (oh, he’s a riot)
-Tony said that Vito was “fighting for his Country, the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!” (Umm... how about NO? Vito is not OUR representative.)
-Vito pulled out a table. The Announcers (well, Fatass) acted clueless as to what he could possibly do with a table?
-Storm rebounded and gave Vito a Superplex.
-Storm with a Sunset Bridge. Madden again called him “The Perfect Storm”. Folks... PEOPLE DIED!!! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE BOTHERED BY THIS???
-would an Owen joke be completely douchey of me right now?
-Vito with a Flying Elbow Drop. Meanwhile, I am fascinated with a Security Guard who walked over to a near ringside fan and warned him about doing something.
-Vito with a BIG DDT... he went for a lazy pin. Storm kicked out. Madden called Vito a
“typical, lazy American Wrestler” (ARRRGH... he isn’t even a realistic Heel, because as
soon as this segment is over, he’ll just agree with whatever next heel gimmick they put
out there. Zero consistency.)
-Vito has his Kendo Stick, which suddenly became a “Stickball stick”. Storm Toe dropped him. Vito turned on his back and whacked Storm right on the head.
-Storm with a classic “Superkick”. Tony amazed me by calling it a “Standing Drop Kick”.
-Vito with the exact same move. Tony called it a “Mafia Kick”. (I... I... I’m officially
speechless. I’m sitting here, with my jaw opened... slowly shaking my head... this is an
amazing display of incompetence).
-Storm with his single legged Boston Crab. Called the “Canadian Maple Leaf”.
-Vito tried for the ropes. Storm yanked him away. Vito tapped out. Now THAT’S Italian.
-Storm is now the Hardcore Champ and the Canadian Champion... barely weeks into his WCW run...
-Tony, and I SWEAR ON THE BIBLE AND THE KORAN ON THIS... called him the “WCW World Heavyweight Champion”.
-So... WCW is has now ripped off certain gimmicks of Chris Benoit, Rocky Maivia, AND Kurt Angle and given them to one man. When will they change his name to “Rocky Bangle”?
-They do this with no shame.
-Booker T is in the back. He has arrived.
-spot for “New Blood Rising”. Since when is Nash considered “young”?
-“Are YOU prepared to say you didn’t see it?” Is this a trick question?
-commercials. It’s amazing that within the space of two weeks, Burger King went from a “Save the Chickens and Eat Two Whoppers for Two Dollars” campaign to a “Two Different Chicken Club Sandwiches” Campaign. This world has gone LOCO.
-Booker T came out. I will try like a MUTHA not to point out the obvious Rocky comparisons, no matter how hard they try to blur the two workers.
-Thunder footage. That’s still on the air? Has the ratings EVER improved?
-Booker has a mic. Will he thank his Momma again?
-No. Instead, he thanked “each and every one of us for supporting him ever since he won the title” (I didn’t support him at ALL... but you’re welcome anyway!)
-UNLIKE the guys who came before him, Booker T is the ONE guy who knows that the fans made him who he is. Madden was quick to agree that NO OTHER WCW
CHAMPION IN HISTORY CARED ABOUT THE FANS!!!
-Right... Steamboat was a total douchebag.
-WAIT... isn’t Booker T an AMERICAN wrestler? Shouldn’t Madden be RAGGING ON HIM??
-Booker wanted to “get down to bizness.” He produced a briefcase, opened it, and showed off a bunch of Gold Rolexes... ROCKY NEVER DID THAT?!?!?!?!
-He called Jeff Jarrett the “number 1 playa hata” and said that he spends all his time bitching and moaning about how he lays down for more people than a $5 Hooker meeting a $100 nightly quota. (Ah... I miss my Mother).
-He told Jarrett, “Save the Drama, for your Momma!” (THIS is the best Vince Russo came up with?)
-Booker promised to take Jarrett to school at New Blood Rising... (which should be the LAST title shot Jarrett ever gets... seeing how this main event is totally unexciting. Hey, I like Jarrett, but he never lit the world on fire with his Big Time push)
-Booker finished by pausing... then telling Jarrett, “Don’t hate the Playa, hate the Game”
(umm... maybe he SHOULD start lifting Rocky’s catch phrases?)
-Even so... do they plan on giving him something new to say every week until he matches
-Goldberg came out. BIG sign that said, “I NEVER LIKED GOLDBERG FROM THE BEGINNING”... Lying ass MARK!!!
-GB hit the ring. He had a mic. The fans chanted his name.
-He tells “Book” that until last week, he never had a problem with him... then he put his
hands on him. (My God!! HOBBLE HIM!!!)
-GB reminded Booker that two weeks ago, he made a promise to these “glorious fans” (Okay... he’s still a Heel!) that he will treat them to an ACTUAL title match each and every Monday... well, GB just double checked his calendar and called three Rabbis to make sure there wasn’t a Jewish Holiday that he could use for a night off... so Booker has a match tonight with Goldberg!
-Booker accepted it. Hey Now... this is SOMETHING we can sink our teeth into.
-The Cat came out. (ooops... methinks me spoketh too sooneth)
-I’ve decided that I like the Cat more than Russo, more than the Old Bischoff, but less
than the new, more humble Bischoff who moped around the ring for the few weeks he was on camera again like a guy who was thoroughly bitchslapped by King McMahon.
-In other words, so long as he isn’t doing his Kingfish impression, Miller is okay.
-Miller had the mic and said that Goldberg is NOT the Booker... booker... matchmaker (argh)
-BUT... Booker WILL defend the belt tonight! Only, it will be the FANS who decide against whom. (ooh, oooh... I CHOOSE NATHAN LANE!!!!)
-The Announcers have NO clue what Miller is up to. Keep this sentence in mind... both of you.
-So, Miller said that the fans can vote on who Booker will face on WCW.com!! (Now, if *I* was in the building... I would start booing my ass off. How many of these people thought to bring their laptops? AND HOW MANY PHONE JACKS DO YOU THINK ARE IN THE ARENA PROPER????)
-Miller said that there were 9 other names on the list, including Sting.
-I wonder if MY name is on that list? I doubt it... because when MY name is on a list, I tend to WIN!!
-so that’s why my name is never on any list anymore. Including that PWPBS (whatever)
“Survivor” Internet game. The supposed “Cream of the Internet Journalist crop”... yeah, okay... exactly WHO is Fritz Capp and WHAT story has HE ever broken?
-Notice that almost half the names are from their own website? That’s dirty pool. At least ScoopThis was classy enough to exclude themselves from their own net awards in order to be totally objective... (whichIwouldhavewonanyway)
-back to Nitro. I HAVE to wonder... why cater to the Internet after CONSTANTLY saying that we only represent “5% of the audience?”
-Ahh... screw it. It’s a novel approach. Not a bad idea. Of course... anyone with any sense realizes that it’s rigged so that someone specific will be voted in. Prove me wrong
and I’ll buy an Internet Camera and broadcast myself licking my Dog’s anus.
-AND IT’S NOT EVEN A NEW IDEA!!!! 3 letters... 4 words... “MTV Ultimate Video Death Challenge”... thank you.
-Miller told Goldberg that because he’s a general pain in the ass... he will have 5 seconds
to get out of the ring. If he doesn’t... Miller will fine him, or suspend him, or “kick his
-GB attacked Miller. Booker defended Miller and attacked back. I’m confused... who’s the Heel again? Miller or Goldberg?
-WCW Security ran in. Who is the Dork with the gay haircut?
-Miller got backon the mic and told GB to “never put his damn hands on him again”.
-Tony screamed at us to get our asses to WCW.com and find out how to vote. They’ll make it easier for us to peel ourselves away from our TV screens by going to some dumb
-The Nitro Girls are still gainfully employed. Does anyone miss them?
-Moments ago, stuff happened.
-The Announcers get face time. Tony, who had NO clue about this Internet Voting thing
3 minutes ago, now was a total expert. It’s almost hilarious.
-Kyron graphics name all the names... Madden got a bonus line, “TV’s Best Looking Big
Man”. Yeah, okay.
-Billy Kidman had joined them too.
-Tony says that this is “THE MOST HISTORIC NITRO EVER!!!” and that this vote thing only shows how much the Internet is now connected to our culture (Nobody had better make that silly 5% of the audience claim EVER again.)
-Someone held a sign up right behind Hudson that said “Snootchie Bootchies, Tony” You just KNOW it’s a sign written by WCW and handed to a fan. They are so desperate to get Madden over.
-Still... the fan who was lame enough to hold up the sign should have an aneurysm and DIE.
-Hudson said that the rumors were flying that the Internet has been booking WCW matches for over two years now. Which one of you bastards thought Arquette should be world champ?
-Kidman was on the Voting List... Kidman refused to sell himself. He knew the fix was in.
-Goldberg, Sting, Kidman, Storm, Awesome, Kanyon, Bagwell, Douglas, Stevie Ray, and Vampiro were the names. Aww, can’t we write in Ryder’s name? Or maybe that Jason Shaya prick?
-Well, obviously Goldberg’s picked to win... Sting is there to make it seem authentic.
Kidman has no prayer... the Fans aren’t as high on Storm as the company is... Awesome loses too much... Kanyon is a joke... Bagwell is mid-card until the day he dies. Nobody gives a crap about Douglas getting a shot. Stevie Ray is the dark horse... and Vampiro... eh.
-David Flair and His Nitwit comes out. Why is Kidman there anyway?
-Oh... he’s there to announce that he has a porno of him and Torrie... and he’s going to show it later tonight.
-David is dressed in a full suit. The jacket come off when he enters the ring. His UGLY
broad does her dance.
-Chavo Guerrero comes out with Major Guns. We see that Gunns gave David mouth to mouth on Thunder... which pissed off Handjob to no end.
-This is going to be a mixed tag match. Kidman said that “He’s a big fan of Major Gunns, and he likes the Girl too”. (weak Billy, weak)
-Why is David working with a shirt and tie on?
-We are told that Gunns and Handjob will be fighting in a “ROTC Boot Camp Match”.
We are also told that “ROTC” stands for “Rip Off the Camouflage” (Funny, I always wonder exactly... what... that...
-Torrie and Kidman doing it ON VIDEO???????
-NITRO IS PORN??????
-Yeah... but... this is WCW... they ALWAYS pull lame ass stunts like this. I’m going to
take off my pants, but I expect NOTHING
-Still... the thought of it...
-Gunns pinned Handjob as she argued with David about whatever. I care nothing about this chick. Nor do I care about Gunns getting her shirt torn off.
-Miller is in his office... telling “Mr King” that he “loves his music”. (so, it’s either
Rodney King or Ben E King)
-Jeff Jarrett storms into the office and asks Miller what he’s doing with this voting thing!
His exact question was, “Since when the Hell do the fans know what the Hell is going
on?” (the answer, of course, is since the day WCW decided that the fans are a lot like a
Herd of Sheep and decided to treat us accordingly. Since the day WCW decided to jam
each and every GIMMICK, IDEA, ANGLE, AND STORYLINE DOWN OUR THROATS WITH ALL THE FINESSE OF A VIRGIN ON PROM NIGHT!!!!
-Jarrett wants his title shot tonight. Miller told him that the FANS ARE RUNNING
THINGS (nonsense)... and if he doesn’t like it... too bad. Then Miller told Jarrett to take
his Banjo and go pluck himself.
-Jarrett knocked over various things on Miller’s desk. Miller told Jarrett that he can
HAVE a title shot... against Kronic for the tag belts. He again told Jarrett to take his
Banjo and go pick himself a plucking partner.
-Jarrett grabbed Miller by his lapels. Miller yelled at him and threatened to suspend him
for 30 days. Jarrett took off.
-Paula Pollshock had the YETI!!! THE YETI’S BACK!!!
-oh.. it was just Sting. Sting said he hopes the fans vote for him because he wants Booker
T. He also promised that this ridiculous match comes off TONIGHT. He didn’t sound like Sting.
-Still, Pollshock looked like she wanted to lick the sweat off this guy’s body.
-Mike Tenay talks to Goldberg. Goldberg KNOWS that he’s a shoe in tonight (Jeeze... at least PRETEND for once that you aren’t running things backstage with your incessant bitching and moaning.) BUT, if he DOESN’T get voted in... SOMEONE will leave the building tonight in a body bag. (Well, do we get to vote on THAT too?!)
-Brian Adams slightly opens a door and tells Brian Clark that it’s match time. he leaves.
We hear a thud. The Camera guy runs in. We see Clark laid out with a Gueetar lying next to him. What the Hell do the Fans know? Well, we know that Jarrett’s guitar always BREAK INTO A MILLION PIECES AFTER HE USES TO HIT SOMEONE!!!!! EXCEPT THIS TIME, WHERE THE CAN’T SHATTER IT BECAUSE WE
WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED WITHOUT HAVING A PRISTINE GUITAR LAYING NEXT TO CLARK!!! THAT’S WHAT WE KNOW YOU STUPID BUTTHUMPS!!!!
-Jarrett comes out with another guitar... and apparently, he can go intangible and walk
through walls, because he got his ass from the locker room to the entrance way in record time.
-Jarrett enters the ring. Tony says that WCW.com is currently jammed up BIG time. He told us to be patient and keep trying. The obvious joke being, WCW.com is not used to heavy traffic (BA-DUM-DUM)
-Brian Adams come out. Not even God could have realistically booked the tag match into a one on one match for the tag titles so quickly. They must be in a hurry to get to their top of the hour event that will finally kill RAW’s momentum and get Nitro back on top of the ratings mountain where it rightfully belongs. It’s been almost 3 years now, people... ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!
-Jarrett takes a beating until he rolls out of the ring. Adams rolls out and gives him some
more. Then Jarrett uses his VAST RING EXPERIENCE to gain the upper hand. (he pointed towards the seats and said, “What is HE doing here?” Adams whipped his head around and said, “WHO??” Jarrett suckered him.
-Jarrett gave Adams a Piledriver on the floor. You NEVER see that anymore!
-Adams kicked out. He even fought back and gave Jarrett and Full Nelson Slam. Jarrett kicked out.
-Jarrett jammed his Guitar handle into Adam’s throat. Adams STILL kicked out. (Gee, I
wonder what point they are trying to make here?)
-Adams Gorilla Slammed Jarrett. Jarrett kicked out.
-Jarrett tried to use his Guitar. But Brian Clark ran out with the Guitar that knocked him
out... only now, this was only the face part of the Guitar. The Announcers acted like it
was smashed the whole TIME. Umm... nope. I checked... several times. It was an UNMARKED Guitar. More insulting of the viewers. Bastards.
-You know... I... I... I am taking this MUCH too seriously. From here on out, I’m taking
EVERYTHING in stride.
-With Clark in there, Jarrett took a POUNDING. They went for the Double Chokeslam, but Clark stopped his partner and suggested that they put Jarrett through the Announce table.
-They moved Jarrett into position. Madden stood up. I SWEAR... he’s wearing a Tent
for a shirt. What possessed Scherer to praise him on his weight loss?
-Jarrett was about to get tabled, but the Referee jumped on his back in order to stop
Kronic (whatever happened to WCW’s new “relaxed rules” that the Announcers claimed
would change wrestling as we know it?)
-Kronic tossed Jarrett away and tabled the Ref. Jarrett took off.
-In his Office... Miller was busy fiddling what appeared to be an elaborate set of Rabbit Ears... I KNEW he was a Brother from Another Planet!! He must want to contact Melmac.
-Suddenly, Vampiro appeared seated across from him. Miller didn’t see him sit down. neither did we, but we had to wait for the camera to.. to.. OH THESE MOR... takeitinstrideinstrideinstride... it’s only a rasslin’ show.
-Vampiro asked to wrestle the Great Muta tonight. Miller said that Muta spit some
“Green onion soup or something” in his face sometime last week. (Oh yeah? When? I didn’t see either show). Miller will kick ass his own damn self.
-Vampiro begged for the match, and even suggested that Miller be his “own personal Ninja” and guest ref the match. (Why “Ninja”... BECAUSE NINJA’S DRESS IN BLACK???? THESE RACIST JOHN JAKES NOVELS!!!!)
-Miller liked the idea. It was set up. Vamp left and Miller made a mental note to get a
friggin’ lock on his door. (Yeah but... with Jarrett being able to walk through walls,
Vampiro mastering the art of teleportation, and Goldberg being Jewish... what would be the point?)
-Torrie Wilson confesses to Shane Douglas that there was ONE time when she and Kidman made use of a video camera and... well... oooh, this better not be a stunt for cheap heat. They already are going to lose all respect once it becomes clear that the Hogan thing was all planned out.
-Sting is beating Goldberg in the poll 35% to 30%. Kanyon has 2% of the vote. Which
AUTOMATICALLY tells us that the fix is in. No way ANYONE voted him in.
-Vampiro has 10%... I’ll buy that
-By the way... add up the percentages and you get only 75%... 25% remain unaccounted for. Looks like SOME people are writing in the name “Haywood Jablomee”
-err... I forgot to carry the 3... it IS 100%. I’ll leave that top line in because I LOVE
getting in “Haywood Jablomee” references
-Ernest Miller comes out with a Ref shirt on.
-Vampiro came out with Insane Clown Posse. When were THEY re-hired?
-The Demon was with them.
-ICP had mics and referenced “Dark Locusts” and “Juggalos”... which are their fans.
-Allow me to send a personal message to any and all “Juggalos”. HEY DOUCHEBAGS!!! YOU ARE CHEERING FOR WHITE RAPPERS IN CLOWN MAKEUP!!! EMINEM LAUGHS AT YOU!!
-The Great Muta comes out. His music sounds like every 80’s soft core sex flick ever made.
-Anyone remember “Hot Dog: The Movie”? I’ll call you GOD in the next column if you
can tell me what were the ingredients to the drink known as the “Leg Spreader”
-remember “Hardbodies”... which was about a cool stud teaching three old men how to be
babe magnets? Then “Hardbodies II” that had completely different actors who looked
NOTHING like the ones in the first one?
-Muta stood patiently as the ICP and Demon sauntered out.
-This was a non-match. Vampiro attacked Miller. Miller fought back because Bischoff’s Son sucks at Karate but wants his Brown Belt.
-Muta stood there... then HE kicked Miller. Then ICP ganged up. Then Demon threw in his 2 cents.
-Muta joined this crew. Can’t Torborg blow out his knee again?
-The ICP stayed in the ring and danced. Miller tuned them. Just when Miller was starting to grow on me... they’re apparently turning him Face.
-Miller’s getting fat too.
-So am I, too be perfectly honest. I can stand to knock off 20. The only problem is... it
takes my legs a week to recover from Leg Day on Sundays (you boys who take your weight lifting seriously know that Leg day is a KILLER.) 6 sets of Squats... 6 sets of Presses... some Thigh Lifts... then Calves and Hams. I’m Goddam crawling out of the Gym afterwards.
-don’t ask what I can do... because I’ll lie.
-Booker T told Paula Pollshock that the FANS are in charge tonight. Yes but, right now... the fans are watching RAW? Pollshock looked like she was starving for some dark meat. Pollshock looks perpetually horny, to be perfectly blunt. Of course, that’s probably why they hired her.
-Booker also said, “BOOYA”... I think. I may be wrong... if I hear him use it again... then
I’ll throw a fit.
-Goldberg was pacing in his Locker room. Up next... the polls are closed and we’ll have
-Booker T came out. RAW is half over, yet they tell us that the second hour just arrived.
-WHO IS THE CHALLENGER??? WHO HAS BEEN VOTED IN BY THE FANS??? WHO??? WHO???? COME ONNNNN SHAYA!!! GET YOUR LILY WHITE, MUMBLING ASS OUT THERE!!!
-It’s Sting. I STILL say it’s bullshit.
-Sting comes out. Goldberg’s right behind him. Goldberg attacks him and lays him out.
Booker sits in the ring and watches. Miller, he’ll defend, but Sting, he won’t. Need a
frickin’ clue as to WHY??
-Booker eventually does show up... long after Sting is out (that ain’t him... no way. Sting
has quietly shown the same sort of egotism that all the other money players have shown...
he doesn’t job out to ANYONE like that.)
-GB walks way. Booker helps load “Sting” up on the stretcher. Why doesn’t he sneak a pin in?
-GB stands in the ring all proud of himself. Madden’s voice... Madden’s PROFESSIONALLY HONED voice goes so high he starts squeaking, “IS BOOKER
NEXT, IS BOOKER NEXT??”
-He also brings up Bret Hart’s name. More than likely because someone back stage just
heard Shane McMahon bring up Steve Austin’s name and they have to counter the WWF in EVERY CONCEIVABLE WAY... EVEN THOUGH IT NEVER WORKS
-I wonder if Bischoff and Russo still want to go directly head to head with RAW? Seeing
how the unopposed hour has yet to make anything more than a minor dent?
-Goldberg calls out Booker. Let’s do it.
-Booker agrees. He runs in.
-Goldberg knocks him down with a Half Clothesline-Half Spear
-GB with a Gorilla/Powerslam.
-I can’t STAND the way he’s always looking into the camera. I don’t even know why it
-Outside, Booker is propelled into the steps. Then GB struts around. Turning only
slightly to the left of the camera... in an EXTREME close up, he said “F-You” to someone. Yes, that’s a man who cares about the kids.
-This was all GB. It wrapped up with him doing that Arm Lock Submission thing he does once in a while. He holds onto it until Miller runs in and stops the match. Miller has a mic and says that even though the match is over, GB doesn’t get the title because Booker didn’t give up, nor was he pinned. Pretty lame reasoning. If the guy can’t
continue, doesn’t it follow suit that the title changes?
-Tony announced that Booker was “bleeding profusely”. How can you tell?
-Stevie Ray was there to help his Brother. GB didn’t attack him. Instead, WE were attacked by some more...
-Moments ago... Booker was in a lot of pain. Ah... he WAS bleeding! Remember the
days when if someone bled on a WCW show... even a PAY PER VIEW... the camera would pull back into the parking lot?
-we also see that Stevie Ray tried to throw in the towel, but Booker grabbed it and threw
it back at him. The towel was WHITE!!! Which means nothing and EVERYTHING at the exact same time.
-The Announcers have Face Time. Basically, they called the Rock a big pussy and Booker the REAL champ. Oh, and someone threw a spitball that landed in front of Tony.
-Madden has shades on and has refused to take them off. Apparently, he has morphed
into the “whacky” member of the Trio.
-HOLD ON!!!! WE HAVE LATE BREAKING, KAYFABE SHATTERING, BACKSTAGE DRAMA THAT THEY HAVE TO BREAK TO... PEOPLE... YOU WILL NOT SEE THIS SORT OF THRILLS ON ANY OTHER WRESTLING SHOW ON MONDAY NIGHT FROM 9-10... YOU JUST WON’T!!!!!!
-Booker has charged into Miller’s office and has DEMANDED another crack at Whitey.
His exact words were, “I DON’T QUIT, AND THE PEOPLE DON’T QUIT EITHER!!” (HAW!!! Yeah... okay! Dude... I quit doing stuff all the other time. This damn column takes 18 hours because I keep quitting it and taking naps or watching TV. EVERYONE quits shit!! If they didn’t, every single McDonald’s in the Country would be fully staffed 24/7)
-Of course, Miller agreed to re-book, Booker.
-Of course, Tony acted like this was all a shoot.
-actually, that’s wrong. If he DID act like it was a shoot... he and the other two would sit
there like statues and wait for the backstage people to come up with something for them
to say in order to act like this was pre-planned all along.
-Buff Bagwell came out with his “Momma”... Judy was wearing a neckbrace... my Mom wore a neckbrace once too... but she got it after a car rear ended mine. She almost bit my dick off.
-They played Kanyon’s music a few times... he didn’t come out. Judy told him to get his
“(Bleep)ing ass” out there. She also called him a Sonafabitch.
-Kanyon didn’t come out. they were about to leave. Then the camera man attacked Buff.
It was Kanyon is disguise. The tussled briefly... Buff went down. Kanyon walked after
Judy. Judy threw her shoes at him. What followed was possibly the goofiest “chase”
ever seen on TV as Judy slowly walked and Kanyon slowly followed.
-Judy ended up in the trunk of a car. Kanyon drove it away. Ho Hum... still can’t stand
-Buff was smart enough to wait after the commercials before getting into his car and
chasing Kanyon. He loves his Mother... but the fans DESERVE TO SEE HIM MAKE CHASE LIVE... NOT PRE-TAPED!!!!
-Backstage, Kidman tells Pollshock that there WILL be hot, monkey sex on tape tonight...
and if that doesn’t score some ratings heat... they are going to approach Satan about selling off a soul or two... because God is apparently a WWF Lemming.
-The Frenchfries comes out with Torrie Wilson. Of course, they are arguing.
-oh, by the way... Pollshock was looking at Kidman as if she had a very special place for
him to put that honker of his.
-Douglas got on the stick and said that Cleveland does NOT Rock so he plans on bumping Awesome out early and getting the Hell out of there before some Homo from Dayton tries to hand him a CD from his band “Romemergency”... or whatever it’s called.
-Mike Awesome comes out with a pair of fat chicks. he’s a Mullet Head (I can’t deny... it
WORKS) AND he is a “Fat Chick Thriller”. It’s a great gimmick.
-Madden, “Sex tapes, fat women.. this is wrestling!”
-Hudson, “It’s Mark Madden’s recurring dream come true!” (now THAT was funny... Tony damn near lost it)
-It took two tries, but Awesome was able to jump on the top rope, freestyle... stay there a
second... then PROPEL himself across the floor and into Douglas, who was on the ramp.
That is WILD.
-Awesome throws Douglas back into the ring. Torrie jumps on his back. She slides off
and holds onto his ankle. Awesome shakes her away with his foot. Madden says something about how the cameras weren’t rolling. (Every joke falls flat... every single one)
-Douglas pounces on him.
-After a while... (sorry, but it’s that part of the column where I start flying)... Shane has
Awesome ready for the Superplex. Torrie comes up to the ring apron with a Dumbbell... (we’ll ignore the symbolism there).
-Then Kidman appears on the Nitrotron... he is shirtless and fooling with the camera lens.
He then runs into the bed behind him. Torrie is there. This is the tape.
-Sheets. Sheets. Lots and lots of sheets. Not that I was expecting much... but SHEETS????
-Of course... The Announcers act like they were seeing a full Gynecological exam. Madden is expected to behave this way. Because Madden is a 30 something year old virgin.
-Douglas is stunned... as is Torrie. Awesome is NOT... so Awesome shoves Douglas down... sets himself up... somehow gets the Dumbbell out of Torrie’s hand... clobbers Shane with it.. and hits the pin.
-Kidman shows up at the entranceway with a pair of bikini briefs. Torrie runs after him...
-I DO know that lance Storm came out to F-with Awesome. Awesome powerbombed him. I’m starting to really, really dig Awesome. Who cares if he got out of ECW in the sleaziest possible way?
-Backstage, Douglas is beating the crap out of the guy who actually played the tape.
-Kidman walked into the ring. he said he made copies of the tape. Enough copies for
everyone in the crowd, the entire locker room, and a special cut for Madden. (Wow.. for the ENTIRE BUILDING??? How did he get the money to buy 2’000 TAPES????)
-Then we get a bit where everyone except us get to watch this. You can feel everyone flip
to RAW... probably pissed to all Hell at this lame stunt. (it IS lame... but I’m really not
bothered by it)
-The Jung Dragons were loving it.
-That Homo that has no business being on the show is watching it.
-Douglas is in the control room, helpless.
-Let’s move on...
-A HELL IN THE CELL (F-ING DOUCHEBAG COMPANY!!!!!) is lowered. Tony says that even though we “know” that the New Blood Rising PPV will feature four teams in a Four Corner match for the tag belts. (No... we did NOT know. NOT EVERYONE WATCHES NITRO ANYMORE, TONY!!!! In fact, if you look at the ratings... you’ll
see that the only people who DO watch Nitro are Internet recappers... and Left handed Pedofiles... oddly enough)
-anywhoo... this Cage match will be the Filthy Animals one chance of getting into the
PPV match... because they will face the Perfect Event, The MIA, and Jindrak/O’Hare.
The last man in the ring will have his team eliminated form the PPV match.
-The Filthy Animals come out. Juvee stayed quiet... obviously, there are no Jews in
Cleveland. Don’t all of you start packing your bags just yet.
-Time’s a wasting... so the other teams quickly run in. The bell rang. Konan and the Girl
join the Announcers... oh they just keep on making it so hard to be watchable.
-Only in WCW can a cage match go ignored so Konan can do some schtick... un-f-ing-believable
-Actually, the match was kind of boring. The Perfect Event was eliminated first. They
left, but came back and locked the cage doors.
-OOps... I think Jindrak and O’Hare were out first.
-Konan had some bolt cutters... because he’s really a GENIUS
-There was talk of some sort of “Mexican Strategy”... I’m sure it involved liquor.
-Disco Inferno suddenly showed up on top of the cage. The cameras made it look like he
just appeared out of thin air.
-ahh... the match did suck. There was this LOOOONG segment on the cage roof where
they kept promising us that someone would go flying off... but it never happened. The
Misfit team won. Lousy effort. Slow, plodding... Piper/Hoganish.
-Booker was talking to his Brother. Apparently, Booker uses the same brand of Band-Aid
that Rocky Maivia uses.
-Stevie Ray is suddenly nose to nose with Goldberg. Although I wasn’t paying attention,
I’m sure the word “Sucka” was used at least once.
-GB ended up attacking Stevie and putting him through a plate glass window. Careful
Billy... that’s how the Rockers broke up!
-I don’t even know what that means.
-Oh Man... THIS SHOW IS 54 HOURS LONG!!!!!!!!!!!
-Booker watches his Brother get loaded into an Ambulance. Stevie is a big pussy...
-Goldberg comes out. Time, Shmime... he’s taking his sweet ass time entering.
-It would be nice if GB didn’t YAWN like that.
-Booker knows the value of time limits. He runs out and attacks. He gets some shots in.
GB refuses to sell anything seriously...
-GB takes control. He tosses Booker around.
-GB goes for another round of that Arm Lock... but Jeff Jarrett comes out with a chair.
-Jarrett hits Goldberg with the chair. Goldberg sells briefly. Then Spears Jarrett.
-Miller runs in. He kicks GB in the face. It actually looks stiff. Goldberg goes down.
-GB gets back up. One punch sends Miller flying.
-Booker is up. We got a Scissor Kick.
-We got a ROCK BOTTOM (arrrgh)
-We got a PIN... GOLDBERG IS PINNED!!! BOOKER T IS FOR REAL, PEOPLE!!
-BUT... sadly... Goldberg is such a douche... that he kicked out a tenth of a second after
the three count, then is quickly up and quickly spears Booker. WCW Security runs in, but GB ain’t selling their shit either. he’s swinging at everything.
-the show ends. I think it’s starting to dawn on a LOT of people that Goldberg is an albatross. He does more harm than good for the company.
That said... umm... Nitro wins. RAW was too talky. I actually enjoyed a solid 80% of
Nitro. Except for the last 30 minutes... well, more like 20 minutes.
Look, I’m not all that impressed with this Internet Wrestling scene, and I’m sure most of
you aren’t either. I find it hard to imagine that anyone out there finds this “behind the
scenes” nonsense interesting. It’s really stupid stuff… well, maybe not “stupid”, but it certainly redefines the word “trivial”.
But I believe in closure, and letting you folks in on the story. So, let me cap off this
transition from ScoopThis to 411 by telling you how it came to be. It wasn’t like Widro
of Ashish just came out of the blue one day and offered me the gig. There was a bit of plot involved. Whether you care, or not… here’s the tale. Hang around and I’ll toss in some ball busting on my former employees (the second, not the first).
So, there I was at ScoopThis, busily toiling away week after week… setting PERSONAL RECORD FOR CONSISTENCY!!! REACHING UNTOLD HEIGHTS OF
REGULARITY NEVER BEFORE DREAMED OF BY ANY LONGTIME READER USED TO WEEKS AND WEEKS OF NO COLUMNS!!! BY GOD, I WAS A RECAPPING MACHINE!!!
Oops… sorry… got lost in my own glory… let me get back on track.
So, I was grinding them out week after week, yet I still felt unsatisfied. Stephen King once said that after finishing a big novel, he likes to bang out a short story just to get it all out of his system. “Decompressing” is the term he used. I like that. After each Mop-Up blowout, I wanted to “decompress” with some smaller, serious afterthoughts. I started doing it over at Scoops a few months before I left. The column was called “And Another Thing”. I wanted to bring back “AAT”.
The problem was, what could STc do with a serious column? They were a “parody” site,
and really… not even a “wrestling parody” site anymore. The only reason the Mop-Up was there was because, let’s face it, what bigger parody of a wrestling recap is out there? Oh F-You.
So, I had my column ready, but no place to put it. I made some noise in the Mop-Up,
fishing for any interested parties. I’m not stupid, I know that none of the big sites would
take me on. Not while I expose them for being total douchebags almost every week… and then there’s that habit I have of posting phone numbers.
I had a few interested parties, several newsletters and guys looking to start up a site. One kid tried to “lure” me by suggesting a column he and I could write named, “Everything
You Wanted To Know About Al Isaacs But Were Afraid To Ask”… I never thought to ask him what HE could contribute in that collaboration. Hell, I even toyed with the idea of contacting Scoops again, but seeing how they have blocked certain business relationships that ScoopThis tried to cultivate, because they do not want me publicized in any way… it was a safe bet that they wouldn’t bite. Besides, I would have a problem looking like the whipped dog coming home with my tail tucked between my legs. F-Them. They’re boring now. Nobody talks about them anymore.
So, here comes Murtz Jaffer. Murtz and I have enjoyed (and still do) an ICQ relationship.
Murtz used to write for TSN (?) and I think he did some work for SLAM too, but I’m not
too sure on that. Murtz also writes for Scoops, and may possibly be the biggest Hulk Hogan supporter on the Internet. Murtz was very interested in starting up a web site that
was 50% audio show and 50% columns. The deal was, he would book the guests, guest commentators (Nitro Girl Fyre and Blake Norton, among them… I thought Norton was dead?), and record them. Widro from right here at 411 was to be the Web Master. I led Murtz around a little, letting him fondle my wad a little, but not letting him near my butt… until finally, I agreed to post AAT there. Truth is, it wasn’t even close. Good
pedigree, good, known writers… and plenty of connections for solid publicity… I wanted
to So, I started posting AAT at www.realwrestlingshow.com and gave them all 6 of my old columns. They’re still there if you want to check them out. My famous “Jesus”
column is there, and “The Road”… two of the best things I’ve ever written, thus far.
The only problem is, ScoopThis wouldn’t let me promote it in the Mop-Up. NoSoul wanted exclusive writers, or at least present the image as such. I could have raised a stink, but you know what… they had let me get away with a LOT over there… I had no business complaining about this one demand of theirs. I’m easy like that.
So, RWS (see? They even had their own nickname) opened up... to little fanfare. Hey, it
happens. These things take time. Unfortunately, time was something Widro did NOT have. As the big webmaster for two sites, Widro was strung out. He wasn’t getting laid, wasn’t partying, wasn’t doing any cool stuff that real playas like me do all the time. He was on the Internet all the time doing... err.. whatever these F-ing webmasters do. He was HTMLing his little ass off. Plus, 411 had collapsed on them, so he had that to clear up.
Meanwhile, STc was going through it’s own little breakdown. I was the only guy posting every week, (my consistency WAS a mind boggling concept, isn’t it?). The one guy who
also contributed, named “Lo Phat” had gone back to his normal duties wherever else he
wrote... exactly WHAT else he did, I haven’t the foggiest. Finally, NS told me that they
were closing up. Me, being the occasional a-hole that I am... went a little “diva” on him
in private e-mails... which almost cost me ANOTHER friendly relationship with my web
“boss”. Thankfully, after NS gave me a much deserved ass chewing, we patched things
up, closed up the site, and parted ways as friends.
All the while, Widro had decided that running one website was all he could take. They were going to shut down RWS and move it to 411. After it was made clear to me that STc had no shot of a comeback, and was indeed closing down, Murtz and I discussed bringing the Mop-Up to 411 with the RWS audio stuff. Negotiations were made.
Pleasantries were exchanged. Chris Williams was fired at my request. And I was offered money. The best part... I get to post this column DIRECTLY to the site. As soon as I send it in, it gets posted. Which is not to say that STc edited me, because other than... maybe 10 sentences in all... everything I wrote in the 20 or so columns for ScoopThis went in.
Of course, I did NOT have Chris Williams fired... t’was a mere jest.
So, there you have it in a nutshell. The tale of how I showed up at my... (sigh)... THIRD
web site. I should also point out that I believe they are also bringing Murtz’s radio show
over here too. You should check that out, he’s slaving hard over it and the bigger it gets.
the bigger names he’ll be able to book. Hell, check EVERYTHING out. Support the site. Among it’s good points, 411 might have the best message board going, especially in terms of up to the minute quickness.
Oh, and if I haven’t put all of you to sleep, let’s wrap this up with something I NEED to
do... because all this niceness and kind words from me is really screwing up my karma. For Chrissakes... what is all this crap? I’m supposed to be MEAN... ORNERY... EVIL...
BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA
Here... let’s get my groove back with this...
GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE DEMISE OF SCOOPTHIS:
-Any dead website run by Canadians is a GOOD dead site run by Canadians
-Now Scaia can start that oft threatened “DEEP PROBE” parody site. Come on Rick, teach us all how to laugh.
-Now Twitmare might get laid... so will Sam Van Dam, Joe Petrow, 7th, and all the other
-Trey can now churn out more of those Harry Potter books.
-Instead of wondering where a damn CAT is, now we can focus on real issues, like where a certain damn French Canadian is.
-Now funny web sites don’t need to feel embarrassed about swearing all the time, like
those cads at the Uncensored board.
-I can goof on all the morons who, after a few months, will STILL think this is an elaborate joke.
-I can bitch at all the lazy idiots who will inevitably ask me why I haven’t posted a
Mop-Up over there for the last two weeks because they can’t scroll down two Goddam inches.
-Oh God... NO MORE “SUPER” CHATS WITH BORING ASS WEB GUYS!!! (myself included)
-It’ll be fun seeing what Triplett will gripe about NOW.
-Scoops can now buy the domain and site name, thus ruining any chance of anyone trying to goof on them again. Ahh, the sheer AUDACITY of it all.
-and gosh darn it... I should be the ONLY wiseass on a site.
-Lastly... there is NO chance of a 2nd annual Web Award... which means I STILL remain
the UNDISPUTED READER’S CHOICE... BAD MOTHER F%$#ER, AND BEST RECAPPER
There you go.
Of course, they are all VERY cool guys. It was a good site. I’ll miss it. They gave me a
home when I couldn’t take it at the other place anymore. Plus, I sort of proved to the naysayers that I CAN hold up a site all by my little lonesome. Stick that up your ass and
bleed all over it.
Well, now that the first column is finished at my NEW site, we’ll see if history repeats itself, I’ll be away for the next 6 weeks. Oo, the irony.
What the Hell! For old time’s sake...
Unleash the Llamas!
This is Hyatte