Mop-Up RAW 7-24-00
“... if I'm Hulk Hogan and the guy just lies down, I'm not going to cover him and get a
one, two, three and walk out with the belt. If he just lies down, I would just leave. I don't
buy it. I don't buy it at all.”
Chris Jericho... basically saying EXACTLY what I said two weeks ago!
Hello. My name is Chris and this is the Mop-Up... and this is my debut column on a NEW WEB SITE... again. Jesus wept.
Hey, how ironic is it that a guy who got in trouble for posting Bob Ryder’s phone number is now on a site called “411”? Pretty cool.
The way I figure it... I have three different types of readers right now. I will address them
each individually right now... won’t take but a paragraph or NINE
Type A: Those Who Know Where I Went After Scoops: Hello. Glad you made it. I feel
compelled to explain myself a little, so this is going to feel like an Introductory Column, just bear with me.
Type B: Those Who Have No Clue What Happened To Me After I Vanished From Scoops: Hello. Miss me? It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I spent seven months at ScoopThis, (www.scoopthis.com) doing all sorts of fun stuff and pissing on all sorts of
web guys. Rather than tell you what happened to me at Scoops, I will simply advise you to go over there and play catch up with something like 20 Mop-Ups. Oh, and F-You for being too lazy to write to me and ask where I FU**ing was. Clueless pricks. Not much has changed on my end. Same old jokes, same crap. I cut back on the Patterson material. I also have a girlfriend again too.
Type 3: Those Who Never Heard Of, Or Read Me Before Right Now: Hello. I am the King of the Internet. Many fear me. Almost all respect me. EVERYONE reads me, but they just refuse to admit it. I used to do this column for SCOOPS, then jumped to ScoopThis. I came here after ScoopThis folded it’s tent last week. I have pissed off
many great people. Turner Security once contacted my Web Employers because I got hold of Tony Schiavone’s Web Address and orchestrated a brief E-mail campaign against him. I also put a Bounty out on his Daughter. I posted Bob Ryder’s phone number on my ICQ profile too. I once fooled everyone into going to www.sabu.com, which was a gay male Porn site. I frequently rage against douchebag web guys and have humiliated many of them into near tears and threats of lawsuits. I have been doing this for 3 years and am awfully popular among the masses, much to the jealousy of almost EVERYBODY. I promise you this, if you don’t like me at first, just stick with me... because you WILL grow to love it. Everyone else does. Oh yes, and not a week goes by when SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE calls me “washed up”, untalented”, “A Howard Stern Rip Off”, and a
“hack”. Try to be creative when you flame me. This column is designed to be an all around entertainment piece. We start with Opening notes, which helps us all ease into things... go into the Recaps of the Monday Night shows... Raw first, then Nitro... then we end things with an awfully popular “Closer” feature, a sometime serious, sometimes humorous aperitif. Many folks check out the column specifically for the openers and closers... and sometimes bypass the recaps. Either way, feedback is very welcomed by me and I try to respond to EVERY letter... good or bad.
Okay... now that we’re all on the same page... and now that I am away from ScoopThis... I have to say... THANK F-ING CHRIST I’M OUT OF THERE!! YOU WON’T BELIEVE THE CRAP THOSE GUYS PUT ME THROUGH!!! WHAT AN F-ING NIGHTMARE.
Sorry, that was the obvious joke. Truthfully, I said my peace about ScoopThis in my “farewell” essay over there. I meant every word. It’s a shame they’re gone. But, I’m at 411... and excited about it, so onward we go... I WILL fill in the rest of the details about how I came here to 411, and toss in some shots at the other place in the closer, just to tidy up so we can move on here in my new home.
Okay, so how about a few more notes about the last two weeks, then move on? I only ASK this to make you feel like part of the column. You don’t really have a choice here, Bitch. This is MY show.
#1 Concerning ECW and XPW. Everyone’s making a stink over XPW raiding the ECW PPV and causing trouble. I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Who Gives a F**K about XPW?” I never saw one match, never saw one show, never heard from a single Internet XPW fan. I have never even seen one single House show or TV show recap posted anywhere. Who cares about them?
#2 Speaking of ECW, I should also point out that I have a second column here at 411 called “And Another Thing”. It’s a straight, serious look at the sport, one small topic at a time. I will get a new one posted every Sunday night/ EARLY Monday morning. This week is a look at ECW, which is a topic I NEVER cover. It’s a positive piece, seeing how most nitwits have already buried the friggin’ company. I promise you this... AAT is
the best straight wrestling column about WRESTLING and not the column’s author... and
I challenge you to read them and disagree.
#3 Because I’m the only one who seems to get off on this, I’d like to point out that in the
space of 5 days, “Mr. Objective” Bob Ryder has 1) Said that the food at the Nitro Grill is
better than the food at WWF New York (but made sure to say that it wasn’t a “shot”) 2) Basically said that the WWF DOES have a glass ceiling because none of the young stars were put over by the established vets at the PPV Sunday, much like WCW USED to do... (the implication being... they don’t do it anymore). Yet seemed to forget that after almost 5 years in WCW, Chris Benoit was only in 2 PPV main events... one being a Wargames Match where he and the rest of the Horsemen were humiliated by the NWO and the other
was a Title win against Sid in a desperate attempt by WCW to keep him from joining the
WWF. It only took him 7 months to get on a WWF main event and into a major WWF angle with the Rock. Bob also forgot to mention that Chris Jericho NEVER worked a WCW PPV main event and that Bischoff cut off his one big push with Goldberg before it even got going. 3) That the Hulk Hogan thing might STILL be a “shoot” and anyone who thinks it’s a work doesn’t know jack shit about the inner workings of the company. 4)
Bragged that Nitro is selling out two Australian shows in record time, knowing full well that nobody will try to check those facts. Oh, and 5) He backed out of an appearance on David Meltzer’s show because he doesn’t think very much of Meltzer and his WWF “bias”. Oh, Bob CLAIMS that he just in another TOWN or something... but come on... the guy obviously was BOOKED to do the show.
At this point, Bob’s credibility is so beyond repair, he really shouldn’t even mention the
WWF anymore. It is impossible to read his opinions anymore without looking for that
WCW slant that he hides so poorly.
By the way, #6... he criticized Twix for sponsoring a PPV that used Gambling as it’s
theme... I say if a Child is able to walk into the MGM Grande and lay twenty on Red...
then God bless ‘im.
The truth is, I saw the WWF PPV... and yes, of the three main events, Jericho should have
won (Benoit isn’t ready and the Undertaker just got back onto the scene, so he needs a few wins under his belt to re-establish himself), but Jericho had the match of his LIFE... and Angle really worked to make the Undertaker look GOOD. All three guys are in a better place now than before Sunday. Put it this way, if they were in WCW, Jericho would be fighting Lance Storm, Benoit would be in Shane Douglas’s “Triple Threat”, and Angle would be a Misfit... okay? Oh, and Bradshaw’s line on Sunday about how the
building they were in is where, “Dick Murdoch, Bruiser Brody, The Von Erichs, and the
Freebirds RULED” had me marking so hard I was in an actual good mood for the rest of
the evening. GOD BLESS OLD SCHOOL REFERENCES!!!!!
I’m sure I have more, but I’ll end it here and get going with the recaps. I can’t vouch for
the quality of the material in here... as I’m busy getting adjusted to these new surroundings. I can tell you that there will be NO PAGE BREAKS!!! Instead, both recaps will be broken into two easy halves each. You can handle that, right? You better... Widro put in a lot of time and effort into this. It still might fall apart too... so keep that in mind. We’re all sweating buckets for you losers. You ungrateful,
douchebag, C-Knocking, ball sniffing... IT’S NEVER ENOUGH WITH YOU, IS IT??? YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING TO BITCH ABOUT!!!! WAH WAH WAH!!!!
“Dear Ashish, In you’re newest “recapper’s” column, instead of getting the match results,
I was just called an “ungrateful, douchebag, C-Knocking, ball sniffer”. I don’t know
what rock you found this guy under, but I did not come here to be called those things and
will NOT frequent your site again until this Hyatte is gone. Please don’t allow Hyatte to
ruin your otherwise fine site by bringing it down to the guttural sewers that he revels in.
A former loyal visitor”
RAW IS WAR: (or: Geeze, an actual STABLE? If only Slick could see this now!)
-opens with the ending to “Walker: Texas Ranger” where Chuck Norris helps a cowboy find true love beneath his gruff, caustic exterior. At the end, Chuck and pals watch the lovelorn Cowboy dance with his betrothed. Chuck raised a glass and they all toast the merits of friendship. Everyone clicks glasses and says, “CUMPIE!”... How they can get away with saying “cumpie”? That Chuck is one sick puppy.
-Oh, of course... it’s an Indian slang term. So is “Hiscoxinnermoth”... it’s Aramaic for “Good Wealth and Spirits”. Impress Grandma and Aunt Mildred by saying that at the Dinner table during the next Big Family Chowdown.
-WWF: One Nation... One WORLD... yet Emperor McMahon is curiously absent from those Mid-East peace talks at Camp David? What gives? At least he could have sent over the Iron Sheik as a delegate? He could have at least started juggling those Bowling Pins again and added levity to a tense situation.
-We got us some fans, some fireworks and... COCKROACHES!!! THERE ARE COCKROACHES ON MY TV SCREEN... ARRRGH!! HERE’S A SHOE FOR YA!!!!!
-Oh... wait... it was just an advertisement for the “The Nest” on USA... my God... I almost
got my fat ass out of my chair. Of course, I’m no “Big Unit”... so my shoe missed the TV
screen by a country mile and knocked over my picture of Jesus on the Cross instead... got
Jesus right in the balls.
-We are in Austin, Texas. Where’s “Kremer”? Is he still selling that Chocolate he found in a dumpster? (Go for it, D-bags... you’ll NEVER get that one)
-Jim Ross announces that we are “deep in the heart of Texas”. I can’t see how a state that
executes someone almost every other week regardless of their questioned guilt can really
HAVE a “heart”... but screw it... we can USE a little cold blood in our Government these
days. Why, if I was a registered voter... I’d vote for GWB in November. The Hell with
it... VOTE REPUBLICAN ACROSS THE LINE PEOPLE!!!!!! TIME FOR A LITTLE
CONSERVATISM TO MAKE OUR SYSTEM GROW!!!!!!!
-OR... you can vote for Pat Buchanon... if for anything else, just for the pure fun of
watching millions of gay folks start swimming back to Africa... or wherever they come from.
-We see MILLIO... THOU... HUND... TENS OF SCREA.... SHOUT... YELL... waving fans at WWF New York. Many of whom are starting at the camera, waving a Menu and screaming, “$15.99 for the Patterson Tossed Salad?”
-or “Fruit Salad” as the alternative punchline.
-Thus ends my ONE Patterson joke of the week...
-or “attempt at a humorous refrain” as the alternative punchline.
-Jim Ross introduces himself and his Color Man, Jerry Lawler... just in time before...
-Commissioner Mick Foley comes out. Lawler groans, “Not HIM again”, then bitched about how everyone is talking about either Mick Foley or Tiger Woods. “Every time you turn around it’s either Tiger Woods or Mick Foley!!” (OR, now that GWB has picked his running mate... everyone’s talking about these FOUR guys. Jesus, the New York Post’s headline on Tuesday was “MICK DICKS TIGER’S BUSH”!! It’s getting out of hand,
-Micky F entered the ring and procured a microphone. I wonder... if he one day opened
his mouth and said, “Sting, when you finally take off the mask and look at who is underneath, “YOU’LL SEE YOURSELF!!!”... will ANYONE get the reference?
-Mick admitted to being a little nervous before “Fully Loaded”, because it was the first
PPV that he was involved with as Commissioner. (Mick was responsible for keeping the new kids down? MICK???? MY GOD!!! HE’S AS BAD AS HOGAN!!!!)
-Mick thinks that when people lay down their hard earned money (or, in my case, hard inherited money... thanks for dying, Ma!!), they deserve a good show!! (Yeah? Then explain “Battlefield Earth”!)
-Mick talked up the PPV, starting with Rikishi vs Val Venis... especially that Rikishi spot. (that WAS a way cool moment... I was just waiting for ‘Kishi to pay homage to the Superfly and stick his fists up in the air with the Pinkie and Index fingers sticking straight up.
-Mick said that Val will be back, even though they had to scrape him off the mat with a
spatula... (Hey!! I was conceived that way!!)
-Mick said that Kurt Angle learned just why they called the Undertaker the “American Badass”... who are “they”? The only people I see calling UT the AB is the WWF promotional machine.
-Mick said that “King Kurt” has demanded a rematch with the UT. So, we’ll get it tonight... “Right here in Austin, Texas!” (Big smile and a thumbs up... which never fails to amuse me)
-Mick took his hat off to both HHH and Jericho for the effort they put forth. Calling it
“one of the greatest WWF matches of all time!!!” (Well, it was good, but come on... nothing is going to beat Bret Hart and Skinner’s 14 minute headlock-fest at “Tuesday in Texas”... to even COMPARE anything to that borders on blasphemy).
-Mick said, “Let’s hear it for the ROCK!!” Then thanked the crowd for the pop.
-He admitted to getting involved in the match... then admitted to actually missing being a
Wrestler and working the main event (God knows Hunter needs another match with Mick to get him over).
-Mick was about to explain why the ending was somewhat “controverSEEAL”, and NOT“controverSHAL”... like those Inbred, Uneducated Hicks at Websters insist on pronouncing... when SUDDENLY...
-Out comes Chris Benoit and Shane McMahon. After months of research and intense brainstorming... the WWF Brass had decided that the reason Benoit isn’t a main eventer is because of that missing tooth. So they gave him a fake one. I also think they sent him to Monica Lewinski’s Dentist to get them whitened. My God, every time he smiles, I go snowblind.
-HE’S GOT A FULL SET OF TEETH!!!! NEXT STOP... THE MOON!!!!!!!!
-Of course, Benoit will never be allowed to go on national TV with sleeves again either. Gots to show off them biceps and get the ladies and the Homos swooning.
-Benoit picked up the mic. Now we’ll see if that new tooth has a “personality microchip” buried inside.
-If it does, it ain’t working.
-Benoit yelled at Foley about how “I GOT SCREWED, PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!” (HIM... not me... I haven’t been screwed in a long, long time... of all the chicks out there, I had to get the one who’s been on the rag for 3 weeks now).
-What is it with Canadians. Do you ALL whine about getting screwed?
-Benoit lost his cool and screamed, “FOLEY, YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A DAMN FROG!!!” (WHOA WHOA WHOA!!! Why would he call Mick a Frenchman? That’s hitting WAAAY below the belt!! A-hole.)
-And what is “Benoit”? TURKISH???
-Oh... FRAUD!! Still better than being called French. No other country bent over and
spread for Hitler so fast. Even today, when someone knocks on a Frenchman’s door, he
automatically breaks out the Vaseline.
-Shane got on the mic quickly and began HIS rhetoric. He told the crowd to chant “Rocky” all they want... poor Maivia is currently on the side of a highway trying to explain to a Texas “Good Ol’ Boy” Sheriff how his Car is a RENTAL and NOT stolen. Faarooq wasn’t so lucky... he’s set to ride “Old Sparky” on Thursday.
-Shane started in on Mick about how “there were constants” in the WWF... such constants were there since the time Shane’s father was running things, since the time Shane’s grandfather was running things, Since the time Shane’s GREAT grandfather was running things (What?), Hell, since that brief time “Stone Cold” Steve Austin was running things for that brief amount of time. (see, that was a subtle hint that MAYBE
Austin will show up tonight... since they are so close to his home. I bet’cha he was backstage)
-Shane continued about how the BIGGEST constant in the WWF has ALWAYS been how the “Referee’s decision is ALWAYS final.” (What a crock! The REAL WWF constant has always been, “Treat the talent like Mules and WORK THEM UNTIL THEY
BE DEAD!!!!!! Or until the enter WCW... whichisprettymuchthesamething.)
-Shane showed us footage of how the Ref DQed Rocky last night and handed the belt to Benoit.
-Back to live TV, Shane bitched at Mick for questioning the Ref’s decision.
-Mick agreed that the WWF has NEVER reversed a Referee ruling (selective memory... back in the day, this used to ONLY be WCW’s forte)... but Mick said that “Things change”.
-Mick said that he could see Shane “be-bopping in his room to Vanilla Ice’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’ ten or twelve years ago. Has it been that long ago? Geeze... I’m old.
-“If there’s a problem? Yo I’ll solve it. Check out my hook while the DJ revolves it!!” Now THAT’S lyrical poetry. Nowadays, it’s all about how Freddie Durst and Carson Daley joust swords in Christine Aguilara’s mouth. Not that I have a problem with that.
-Tupac and Biggy? Bah!!! VANILLA VS HAMMER WAS A REAL GANGSTA WAR!!!!
-Dammit... BRING BACK ADAM CURRIE!!!!!
-Mick said that now Vanilla Ice’s “LP” (oof... way to date yourself there Micky) is sitting
in a Garbage Bin in Hackensack, New Jersey. Because THINGS CHANGE!!!
-He told Benoit that maybe 10-15 years ago he might have cracked a smile and told a joke... but THINGS CHANGE.
-Well, Mick continued, things ALMOST change... one thing that never changed was Vince’s hairstyle. (HAW!!)
-Lawler, “Better watch it now, that’s the Genetic Jackhammer”
-Benoit asked Foley if he thought this was a “joke”? Then announced that last night, he
proved that he was the “greatest technical wrestler in the History of the WWF” (What?
So where does that leave Iron Mike SHARPE????)
-Benoit DEMANDS a title “fight” with the Rocky right there tonight. Of course, ANY match with the Rock is a “fight” now because all the sumbitch does is punch people.
-Mick spoke up and promised Chris a rematch in the future, but he ain’t so sure about tonight. Then he tossed down his mic and made a weak lunge at Foley. Shane held him back... with his PINKIE... Benoit is a pussy.
-Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley came out... is her ass expanding or am I crazy?
-Stephanie gets on the mic, camera closes in and checks out her Apple cheeks. Anyone care to wager just how many “apples” she’s stored in them things?
-She talks up her husband’s victory last night... proving once again that he’s “that damn good”.
-THEN... after the show, he proved to her... MULTIPLE times... just how damn good he really is. (well, in all honesty, at one point he got her from behind, then snuck Paul Bearer in there without her knowing... were it not for that trick, I would STILL be a virgin)
-Stuffed was there in support of her Brother’s claim about the rules being constant... so she demanded to Foley that he do what’s right and book the re-match for tonight.
-Foley first said that last year, while he was recovering from a moderate head injury... for
about 2 and a half seconds... he found her “moderately attractive”. Steph got all “girly”
and almost blushed.
-Jesus... this is a long ass segment.
-BUT... Mick has now decided that Jericho’s assessment of young Steph is more accurate.
Steph slapped him across the face. Mick got angry and said he could fine her for that... or
even fire her. Instead, he’ll REALLY get even by booking Shane and Stephanie to work a tag team match against a team of Mick’s choosing. (ooo... “Mystery Tag Team”. Well, you can cross off anyone named, “Sammartino”, “Hellwig”, and “Hart”. IS THIS WHERE SABLE AND MARC MERO RETURN????)
-Oh, and the McMahons can’t have anyone interfere... under threat of termination. (Now
THIS is a SHORK!!!)
-you know... “shork” has enough pizzazz to actually become a part of Wrestling Lingo! Oh, why did it have to be friggin’ SCHERER who thought it up.
-Mick left. The Mackids fumed and acted outraged. Ross and Lawler marveled at the
non-stop action of the last 23 minutes. They must have been watching Nitro.
-The Rock is walking backstage. He has a Band-Aid pasted across his brow. One of those “Flesh Colored” Band-Aids that is supposed to blend in when applied to the skin... alas... there was nothing “blending” about Rocky’s “Flesh Colored” Band-Aid... alas... alas.
-First the Brother is the booted from “Big Brother”... now this.
-commercials. I’ve decided that “Eva Savalot” is just as bad an actress as Alyssa Milano... and neither girl is really aging well.
-Road Dogg came out with X-Pac. He orders the sound guy to “cut the music” 3 seconds after the music turned off. The Boy simply gets NO respect anymore.
-He goes through his routine... “This one’s going out to Nothing Happ’n... Steve Blackman... because he’s gonna gobble him up like Pac-Man.... and leave him lying on his back... MAN... and if he wants to kick it Hard Core... then that’s what the Dogg has... come for.” (Did he just steal that off ICP’s latest CD?)
-Steve Blackman came out... and started fighting RIGHT AT THE ENTRANCE WAY!!! THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, ACTION FANS!!!!!
-Then Blackman realized that Road Dogg never left the ring. He picked up his belt and walked to the ring... quite ashamed.
-Meanwhile, X-Pac joined the Announcers and proceeded to set up the inevitable match
between DX as he ragged on Dogg for being only a marginally successful singles wrestler...
-Early into it, Road Dogg got his Shuck and Jive thing going. Blackman produced a chain and hit him with it. To this DAY, only Dusty is allowed to get away with that move.
-The Announcers talked up another feature match tonight... the Godfather vs Bull Buchanon in a “Pimp Gimmick Leaves Town” Match. Lawler was horrified. X-Pac called it “Ludicrisp”... (See, this is the result of White Guys speaking Ebonics)
-Blackman put a garbage can to use. More dreds flew than at your typical Ziggy Marly concert.
-We see that X-Pac was seated awfully close to Lawler... and it looked as if Jerry had his
arm on Pac’s back. Oh no. No... NO!!!!!
-Blackman produced a garbage can. That reminds me... I have Raccoons raiding my trash
cans every night. Last night, I dumped a glass filled with Bleach on one of them. It was
so F-ed up, it fell off the trash can and landed on it’s side. It stumbled away, stunned. This is why I rule.
-Road Dogg went to work on Blackman. X-Pac claimed to be the true Karate Master...
-Road Dogg produced a Kendo Stick. Blackman produced a pair of enlarged chopsticks.
X-Pac called them “Filipo Fighting Sticks”... Filipo? FILIPO GOODMAN FROM WRESTLING UNCENSORED??? HOW’D HE GET A WEAPON NAMED AFTER
-Oh, I’m just sucking this week... great timing Hyatte.
-They face off with their respective weaponry. Blackman gains the upper hand. Meanwhile, I sit here amazed that it’s taken 4 hours for me to recap this show and it’s not even 30 minutes old yet.
-Road Dogg resorts to foul play and gets an advantage. Culminating with a DDT on a
-Blackman responds with a front thrust kick into the chair, which was positioned between the foot and Doggy’s face. Hence, said chair is propelled into said face. The scientific term is “Transferred Haberdashery”
-Road Dogg goes down, and starts a LOOONG winded conversation about some Chooch he quiffed in Dallas last night. Ross tried to cover for the shattered kayfabe by claiming that Doggy’s “talking in his sleep”.
-Blackman got the pin. X-Pac challenged Blackman to a match at Smackdown. I’m amazed that he doesn’t use the word “dude” more often. He looks like the type of guy who should say “Dude” a lot.
-Backstage, Hunter H Helmsley walked in and caught an earful of Stephanie bitching about the first 20 minutes of the show. I SWEAR I saw HHH’s eyes glaze over.
-After sifting through the white noise... (an unsung gift that ALL men have), HHH said
that he’s too worn out from last night to deal with this. Instead, he bitched about all these
flowers on the table... asking if this was Jericho or Angle’s attempt to mess with his head.
Stephanie told him to read the card. HHH trashed the flowers instead. Stephanie got all
teary and told the Moron that the flowers were from Her to Him. She walked away all upset. Hunter stood there looking like a doofus. Well geeze... the only thing Hunter’s last girlfriend, Chyna, sent him was sterilized hypodermic needles. What guy gets Flowers from a Girl?
-commercials. “Hollow Man” asks “What would you do, if no one could see you?” Umm.. write on the Internet?
Mop-Up RAW 7-24-00
-AT&T; apparently paid for Rikishi to jump off the cage, obviously in hopes that he kills himself in the process. Thanks to Discrimination laws and Civil rights... Obese people are the ONLY Race that can still be abused without causing riots. (Tough to riot when ou refuse to get out of your chair and when everyone can outrun you). Do you’re Civil uty people, beat up a Fat Body TODAY!!!
-The good news is... when you hang a fat person from a tree, the branch will always break... so you get to hang him several times! What used to be a five minute deal now turns into an all night lynching!!
-Shane McMahon comes out with his Sister. Or, Stephanie McMahon comes out with her Brother... for you chicks out there.
-The McMahon kids hit the ring and trade fist taps. I highly doubt it is the first time EITHER kid has been “fisted”.
-Lita comes out. Her pants are hitched down so that the crack of her thong was showing. This is what Wendy Richter fought for?
-Shane got on the stick and said that even though they were cajoled into this match, they are in a situation where they are like animals backed into a corner... the animals will turn FEROCIOUS (yeah, but a good leather belt will take care of THAT!!)
-Shane said that he won’t let her Sister do squat tonight... he’ll do all the work here. He ain’t sweating anything.
-Out comes the Big Show. Ross let out a completely inane, “Oh My GOD!!!”
-Hmm... I thought Jim said that during his recovery time, TBS had “addressed his weight
issues”? He looks exactly the same?
-Unless they finally gave the guy his own zip code?
-... maybe it’s time I hang it up. Call it a career early.
-TBS entered the ring. Shane ran. TBS followed. Stephanie was left alone in the ring.
Lita stood behind her, waiting for her to turn around.
-Meanwhile, there was a BIG sign in the first row that read, “I LOVE KRISTIN BUTTS”... that’s GOT to be a Porn star.
-There was ALSO a BIG sign that read “I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS”... come to think of it... THAT’S a hell of a porn name too.
-Stephanie turned around and Lita went to work. This lasted a few minutes. Lita went for the Backwards Moon Flip...
-Trish Stratus ran out and caused Lita to fall off the top rope. She dug into her pants and
pulled out the BIGGEST GODDAM MAXIPAD I’VE EVER SEEN!!! WHAT... DOES SHE FLOW LIKE THE NILE OR SOMETHING?? MY GOD!!
-She and Stephanie use the Maxi-Pad to whip the little Senorita. One would imagine that she was used to such treatment.
-Steph and Trish slap palms and walk away. Plenty of shots of Lita and Trish’s booties.
Not a single shot of Stephanie’s, which is probably the most interesting of the three.
SOMETHING’S brewing under them jeans that thing.
-Now THIS is the one WWF Constant... the Princess will put over NO ONE.
-footage of what just happened.
-The Big Show is stomping around, looking for Shane.
-The Godfather comes out with a fur coat and some women. If he loses this match, he loses his Pimp gimmick... I find it hard to believe the fans have been screaming for the return of Papa Shango?
-Although... maybe... it COULD work? If they pair him up with Jacqueline and she agrees to get a bone put through her nose... maybe.
-Those damn alarms go off... Steven Richards and Bull Buchanon come out. Richards announces that after tonight, this indecent program will become one step closer to acceptable. Ross called him an “idiot”, then said that he obviously doesn’t understand the “First Amendment” of our Country. (What does “Thou Shall Not Kill” have to do with
-GF goes on the attack. He throws Bull over the top rope. Bull pulls himself up and back over. GF throws him over again. Bull tries the up and over stunt again. GF stops him and tries to hang him with his tie.
-Isn’t it odd that both guys are wearing pre-dominantly WHITE outfits in a match that
will decide the future of a gimmick that is usually and stereotypically associated with
Men of Color? Perhaps the Godfather is going for a subtle socio-political make-up of the Racial topography that permeates our sub-culture?
-Meanwhile, Bull has the upper hand and goes to work. GF fights back.
-Crowd starts chanting, “SAVE THE HOES” Lawler agrees, then shoots a little on Nitro by suggesting that they start a poll on WWF.com. (HAW!!!! God Bless Inside Shots!)
-Bull went for the pin. GF got the shoulder up just in time.
-Meanwhile, Richards added a bit of depth to his character by shoving down one Ho, and Superkicking another in the Face.
-GF went for his “Ho Train”... and ran into a chair supplied by Richards. Bull finished up
with a Top Rope Legdrop and scored the pin. The Pimp is dead... as is pretty much any residual trace of Vince Russo’s influence.
-If Stevie starts puking up black goop next week... guess who’s back.
-In the end... what it all boils down to... White clothes make Kama look FUNKY!!!!
-Backstage/outside, TBS is hunting for Shane in a parking lot. Shane is hiding behind a car. TBS spots him. Shane runs over a car and almost trips. Instead of grabbing him, TBS suddenly becomes fascinated with his shoes. Shane recovers and runs away. TBS makes chase.
-Backstage/Backstage, Kurt Angle is walking. If there is a God, we’ll find out where he ends up after this set of...
-Cameras show us that despite an apparent cockroach infestation (in New York? NO WAY???), the Restaurant is STILL opened for business.
-Kurt Angle comes out.
-Ross pushes a Saturday House Show in Pittsburgh at the Igloo. A Sunday show somewhere... and Monday at the Georgia Dome in ATLANTA!!! (It’s always awesome when they invade WCW’s backyard.)
-Angle enters the ring and gets on the stick. He assumes that the audience is wondering just what the hell he is thinking by challenging the Undertaker to a rematch tonight.
-Angle said that the Undertaker did NOT beat Kurt Angle last night. Oh no... last night, the Undertaker beat a man “living in fear”...
-Of course, the city of Austin knows what it’s like to live in fear. In fear that the next
Welfare check won’t come!! (ahh, the Welfare System... I’ve been trying for YEARS to get in on that... it’s my personal Holy Grail)
-Angle continued... “Fear that... whether or not... and this is a good one (in a move of self
-fellatio usually reserved for washed up recappers)... whether or not the kid is YOURS...
or your Brother’s, or your Neighbor’s, or your Mailman’s... bit I can go on and on.”
-Angle admitted to have been afraid of the Undertaker... but he faced his fear... jobbed out
nicely... and is still alive to tell the tale. So he wasn’t afraid anymore.
-Angle used that old sports phrase... oh screw this... he just called the UT out.
-UT rode out on his Motorcycle. Which is just a larger version of his Urn, with wheels and an engine. Really.
-Sometime during this, the second hour arrived. Hard to believe.
-Ross plugged the Igloo House show AGAIN. Looks like the downfall of this current Wrestling craze is about to begin.
-UT wobbled into the ring, Angle jumped out. UT followed. Angle punched him. UT didn’t sell. Angle punched again. UT caught it and punched him back. Angle sold. I am on a recapping ROLL.
-It gets back into the ring. UT chokeslams Angle.
-Then Shane McMahon runs out from the crowd, hops over the rail, and enters the ring. TBS was hot on his tail, (ah... everyone’s a homo)
-UT knocks down Shane. Then grabs him by the throat.
-TBS hits the ring and begs UT to give him the kid. UT shoves Shane into TBS’s hand.
-UT goes back to Angle. TBS let’s go of Shane. And guess who turns “heel”... AGAIN
-TBS attacks UT. Angle and Shane join in. Ross screams “THIS IS NOTHING BUT A DAMN CONSPIRACY!!!!” (HOGWASH!!! JFK’s Assassination was a conspiracy. John Lennon’s assassination was a conspiracy. The Gulf War was a conspiracy. Hulk Hogan and Vince Russo was a conspiracy. THIS WAS A... A... you know... he’s right. It IS a damn conspiracy!!)
-Of course, you realize that TBS turned Heel just so UT will have someone to fight.
-Hard to believe Wight was a WWF champ, isn’t it?
-The Heels left. UT REFUSED medical assistance. No one thought to turn on his Motorcycles headlight and bath him in the recuperative glow... that’ll come next week, I’m sure.
-footage of what just happened.
-Michael Kole located the Undertaker and asked him to express his current feelings. UT
was hunched over and looking like he chugged a quart of Jack... (God knows I’ve rode that Horse). UT mumbled that payback is going to be a bitch.
-Out charged TBS and company for more assaulting. When did this show start emulating
a wrestling show anyway?
-Out he came. Ross could have sworn he just attended Jericho’s funeral early that morning.
-Jericho entered the ring and said that last night he went through the most violent match he ever went through in his entire life. Oh, it was barbaric... PURE brutality...
-BUT... he confessed, it was also the greatest match he ever had in his LIFE... (Oh?? Damn shame Bobby Duncum Jr. ain’t alive to hear that... because it would have made him drop dead)
-Jericho continued to praise HHH for getting a frickin damn good match out of him.
-BUT... Jericho offered a pervasive argument that although HHH TECHNICALLY won... he didn’t walk out of there LOOKING like a winner... Jericho, however, looked quite like the “Hunter”!
-Truth is... Jericho isn’t finished... not by a long shot. He wants MORE of Hunter... and
he wants more of Hunter... NOWWWWW...
-HHH was backstage... he showed up on the TitanTron and said that he’s not the kind of
guy to toot someone else’s horn (at least, not for free and not without a photographer at
the ready)... but... blah blah blah... mutual respect among enemies... yadda yadda yadda
Jericho’s got what it takes... squakata, squakata, squakata... BUT Jericho’s got a few more
years to go before he can compare with... yeah yeah yeah... nothing worse then when Hunter gets on a verbal diatribe... only Leno’s endless monologues are more boring.
-In the end... HHH said that he will be taking the night off. They’ll fight again some
OTHER time. He told Jericho to go home and practice with his band, “Fuzzy Zoeller”
-Jericho, in a move I haven’t seen since the night Dusty Rhodes came out on the TBS
Saturday Night show, announced that he was in a good mood, walked right into the Heel locker room and attacked Tully Blanchard for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!! I marked so hard my balls dropped.
-So, Jericho took off to get HHH.
-Next thing we know... Jericho charged into the locker room and they tangled up. WWF folks were out. it was busted up. See? HHH won last night... so maybe they are just setting up a Summerslam rematch? STOP LOOKING FOR A GLASS CEILING THAT MAY NOT BE THERE!!!!
-of course... HHH had what... THREE consecutive PPV matches with Mick Foley? And won ALL THREE? Maybe it was two matches?
-Outside, Shane and TBS take off in the Limo, but not before Shane gives Benoit and Angle one last pep talk.
-Footage of how the Undertaker was BEATEN LIKE HE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN BEFORE!!!! Back in the day, UT was BLHHNBBB once every 6 months.
-commercials. You have GOT to applaud the fact the neither Ross or Lawler plugged the WWF replay ONCE tonight. Schiavone was freakin’ BEGGING us to get the BAB Replay barely 30 seconds into following Nitro.
-We are shown proof that this show was sold out. I don’t recall actually wondering.
-Footage of the Jericho/HHH thing.
-Backstage, a shadow walks... this shadow has long, scraggly hair... RAVEN IS HERE!!!!
IT’S RAVEN!!!!! THE WWF NOW HAS A SPOKESMAN FOR DISALLUSIONED 35 YEAR OLDS EVERYWHERE!!!!
-Oh... it’s Kane. Or maybe it’s RAVEN WITH A MASK, RED SPANDEX, AND 70’S PLATFORM SHOES??? JOHNNY POLO IS BACK!!!!
-Oh... Ross says it’s Kane.
-Scotty 2 Hotty took on Tazz. Tazz was gracious enough to let the kid get off the Worm. Then he choked the little prick out... (didn’t he get accused of doing the same thing at a Gym not too long ago?)
-Rikishi came out and tuned up the Walking Fire Hydrant. Tazz rolled out. Come on... bring back the “FTW” belt.
-Backstage, Mick Foley goofed on Edge for breaking Bradshaw’s fist with his head and
goofed on Christian for believing in a Con Man who claimed to be the “Son” and was rightfully Crucified. (Mick’s Jewish? Who knew?)
-E & C remarked that they were still the tag champs and that DQ’s rule. Mick booked
them for a 3 Way Dance with the Dudleys and the Hardy Boyz. He made it official and dismissed them.
-Kane stormed in and growled that he wants Shane, he wants the Big Show, and he wants Kurt Angle TONIGHT!! (When is he going to start demanding that they get that smelly mask off him, finally?)
-Mick promised Kane that he’ll give Kane SOMETHING to do tonight. Kane showed his
gratitude by busting what looked to be a Fax Machine.
-commercials. Apparently, if you buy a Trailer you get to spend time with Country Music
“Legend” Neil McCoy. Something tells me this Boy won’t be challenging Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” anytime soon.
-Something tells me this boy won’t be challenging Brent Spiner’s “Old Yellow Eyes Is Back” anytime soon.
-Backstage, Mick Foley catches Kurt Angle before he can scoot and berates him for so heniously suckering the UT into a banged up knee (this coming from a man who once buried the UT alive?). So, since Angle DEMANDED a match tonight, but didn’t DELIVER a match tonight... Kurt gets to tag with Benoit against The Rock and Kane. He also goofed on Angle’s shorts.
-The Dudleys come out. I wish D-Von would say that cool “You will know our name” line more often.
-The Hardyz came out. I wish I could see them naked more often.
-Edge and Christian came out. I wish... hmm... actually, I’m quite content with them right now.
-It’s a Three Way War! Which quickly settled into Buh Buh vs Edge. Edge tried to use the tag belts early on, but the Ref yanked it away.
-Ross said that the Undertaker was undertaken (HAW) to a “Medical Facility somewhere
in Austin”. Then he said that he never even FATHOMED THE POSSIBILITY that The UT would EVER need Medical help. (So... when Kane lit the Casket on fire with him in it... did that 5 ounce bottle of Bactine in the First Aid kit do the trick?)
-Buh Buh tagged in D-Von. They double team Christian with the top rope Flying Clothesline.
-Then they did the headbutt in the wad move. Buh Buh has seemed to have added “WAZZZUUUP” to this move. That was like... SO 5 minutes ago.
-Here’s a dose of freshness... how’z about we bring back “HELLO”??? Or maybe, “HOW ARE YOU DOING?”
-The Hardyz tried to double clothesline D-Von, but he ducked. Instead, they ran into Buh
Buh.. who double clotheslined them.
-Buh Buh ordered D-Von to get the tables. D-Von hopped to... somewhere, Maya Angelo wept.
-The Doodys had the table almost in the ring, but E & C rejoined the action and drop-kicked the table back into their faces (a more elaborate version of Transferred Haberdashery)
-Christian held up a Hardy for Edge to Spear. The Hardy got away. Christian was Speared.
-The Hardyz got off the “Downward Fatefully Spiralling Moondrop”, followed by a Kip-Down Bomb on Edge. Buh Buh yanked the pinning hardy out of the way.
-The Dudleys got a 3D on Edge. The other Hardy stopped the count with a Flying Legdrop.
-It was Edge who rolled on D-Von and won the match. It’s the kind of action like we just
saw that makes me a fan of this silly ass sport.
-Backstage, Trish Stratus is complaining to the makeup girl about her big Strap Match
coming. She started to talk about sexual harassment. Careful, woman... more talk like
that and you might get a little surprise in your gym bag.
-I may be nuts but... I don’t think those Boobs are 100% natural.
-Meanwhile, the makeup girl was thoroughly UNimpressed... and looked like she could cheerfully shave Trish’s hair clean off.
-commercials. How many spots did Paramount buy for their new Kim Basinger movie anyway? 12?
-Jacqueline is signing autographs at WWF New York
-Kurt Angle comes up to Chris Benoit and starts fretting... Benoit tells him that he’ll take
care of the Rock, and all Angle has to do is handle Kane. Angle is cool with that... then
the lightbulb went off over his head and he started fretting again.
-Michael Kole had an EXCLUSIVE interview with the Rock. I’m sure you can piece together a pretty accurate description of exactly what he said all by yourselves. Just uuuuuuse your imaginations.
-Although he DID advice Johnson & Johnson to get ready for a Civil Class Action Suit that will make their heads spin.
-Lita is ready.
-commercials. “Godzilla 2000” opens August 18. Put “Godzooki” in it and I’M THERE, DUDE!!!
-Trish Stratus comes out.
-Lita RUNS out.
-Trish tries to duck out.
-Lita lashes out
-Lita flips out.
-Trish sells her heart out.
-Lita with the Moosault, she’s quite good, a doubt with-out.
-The Ref was knocked out.
-On a pin attempt, Lita’s luck was out.
-Stephanie McMahon snuck out.
-With her belt, Steph tried to swing out.
-Lita faced Steph and called her out.
-Lita turned around again and laid Trish out.
-She turned around again and Stephanie knocked HER out.
-Problem is... Stephanie missed by a good two feet out.
-Which didn’t stop Ross from selling his fat heart out.
-Trish got the pin as Lita jobbed out.
-Of the three, which one do you think smells the most like a tr-out?
-I guess Trish, by a nose, she wins out.
-Kane is walking ab-out
-Rocky is too... it’s time for the main b-out
-Thank God... I’m out.
-Jerry Lawler explains that the reason we see these Cockroaches all night is because USA
has a movie called “They Nest” where Cockroaches live in people’s bodies and feed on what people eat. Then on Friday night, they get all dressed up, put on lipstick, adopt a Puerto Rican Accent, head out to the Rhode Island nightclub scene get drunk, and get picked up by drunken, self-loathing Internet Gods.
-Kurt Angle comes out. (oh no... I’m not trying THIS again)
-Ross pushes the Pittsburgh House show AGAIN.
-Chris Benoit comes out. Ross pushes the Georgia Dome next week. HEY!! Benoit, Eddie, Malenko, Saturn, and I think even Jericho get a little homecoming!!
-Oh... think Atlanta is going to pop for Benoit or WHAT?
-The Georgia Dome isn’t sold out yet? Geeze.
-Kane is out. Is he walking fast because he’s HOPPING MAD... or because someone backstage told him that time was wasting so don’t dilly dally?
-The Rock came out. There was some time to soak in his glory... then things got going.
-It was Rocky vs Benoit. They trade advantages.
-Then Angle was tagged in. Sorry Kurt, Rocky will give Benoit a LITTLE rub... but your ass needs to pay some DUES!!
-Rocky tagged in Kane. Have you ever thought about how underrated Kane is?
-You have? HA!!! LOSER!!!!!!!! GET A LIFE, DOUCHEBAG!!! IT’S FRIGGIN’ WRESTLING!!
-Kane works on Angle, including a beautiful Tilt-a-Whirl Powerslam. This boy is so underrated, it’s SICKENING.
-Ross screams, “WHO’S YOUR DADDY, KURT ANGLE?” I didn’t even know he was adopted? And shame on Ross for being so callous.
-Kane with a Top Rope Clothesline.
-Benoit had enough. He went in. Kane knocked him back. Angle clipped him from behind in the leg.
-Angle works on Kane’s leg.
-Benoit was tagged and continued the strategy.
-DAMMIT!!!! IT’S GOOD TO SEE THEM PICK A BODY PART AND WORK ON IT!!! THIS IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF OLD SCHOOL!!!!
-Honestly, we haven’t seen this sort of methodology in YEARS
-They still work on the leg. I found myself chanting “BORING, BORING”. To which, my Girlfriend lifted her head from my lap called me an ungrateful asshole.
-Rocky was tagged in. He cleaned house.
-He tried for the Elbow on Benoit. Angle stopped it.
-Rocky put Benoit in the Crossface. Kane chased Angle up the ramp.
-Kane caught Kurt and went for the Tombstone. Shane McMahon ran out and chaired him. I will dispense with the sarcastic outrage and shock that Shane was still around.
-Kane no souled (out) the chairshot. TBS ran out and clotheslined him.
-TBS hoisted Kane up and tried to throw him into the WWF.com sign. He couldn’t hoist the big guy up and missed by a Country Mile. Of course, Ross acted like Kane was just decapitated.
-TBS did it again, with a LOT of help from Kane. He scored.
-Shane ran out to help Benoit... who spent a good 3 minutes in the Crossface without tapping... (I GUARENTEE that this fact will go ignored by everyone but me)
-Rocky let go of Benoit and chased Shane away. He walked into an Angle, Shane, Benoit
-The show ends with Rocky and Kane laid out and Ross bellowing on about this group
that Shane McMahon has apparently created.
This show was... weird. For all the declarations from Vince and Linda that this is an “Action/Adventure Show” and NOT a Wrestling show... this seemed a HELL of a lot like
a throwback to the early 90’s.
They talked WAAAAY too much though.
It’s all up in the air. A solid Nitro can own the night. So why don’t we head on over
there? Well, YOU go... I’m probably sleeping right now.
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