Mop-Up Nitro 7.31.00
A: I know, the RAW column is a little messed up. THIS column might be messed up too. We'll work on it.
B: The Closer featured HOT TEENANGE SLUTS. That's all you need to know.
Nitro (or: Don't piss off the Homo)
-Opens with a ten bell salute to Godon Solie. That's all well and good but... who will take care of his pet Hamster "Cuddles"? WHO??? YOU???
-Yeah, right... YOU LIE!!!
-Gordon was born in 1929. I hear his first real girlfriend was Bob Ryder's Daughter.
-WCW Symbol: The SHOCK at seeing how long this symbol has lasted is probably what killed Gordo in the first place.
-Video clip reel featuring a voice over guy who usually does straight to video action flicks. "Chris Lemon's Daughter has been kidnapped by a Madman! Only Dolph Lungren and Esai Morales can save her! But, will they kill each other in the process? With Clancy Brown as the President of the United States!"
-We see that Booker T is NOT the People's Champion... oh no... he is the FIGHTING PEOPLE'S CHAMPION!! Oh, well why didn't you tell us this before? I would have NEVER ranted on about the blatant rip-off if I knew THAT.
-Booker has a LONG line of challengers. None of whom are female... Sexist PIGS!!
-"Earlier today"... according to both the graphics AND Tony Schiavone a BMW pulled out. Booker T gets out with his wife Sylvester... I mean LAVESTIA.
-Oh... sure... the MAN gets a Limousine... Booker gets a hunk of worthless German machinery. It never ends... dammit.
-Booker has gotten out of his car very gingerly. Lavestia says, "Baby, you shouldn't be doing this." Booker responds, "Baby, I GOTS to!"
-Tony welcomes us by saying, "Well, the Champion is in the building, and SO ARE YOUUUU" (No, I'm sitting at home... unless this is all an illusion? AM I DREAMING?? IS THIS THE MATRIX??? KEANUUU... HEEEEEELP MEEEEE!!!)
-Figures, Tony is an "Agent"
-Where are they anyway? Maybe they have been reduced to playing the suburbs now? MAYBE NITRO IS BEING HELD AT THE BURT REYNOLD'S DINNER THEATER IN JUPITER, FLORIDA AND THEY ARE TOO DAMNED ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT??
-Oh... they are in Cincinnati, Ohio! Once hailed as the Cleanest City in America. I'd rather play in Burt's place.
-Tony asked the burning question we've all been asking... "How much more can Booker T take?" (Brother withstood "GI Bro"... Brother can take ANYTHING)
-Tony introduces himself, Scott Hudson, and the Slob. Because they HAVE to get him over like Lawler, Tony calls him the "Best Looking Big Man on TV". Is that not the same as calling a Retard "The Smartest Retard on TV"? He can't spell, can't write his own name, and can't handle 2 + 2... but he's so SMART?
-Booker T came out in civilian clothes, shaking hands with the plebes. Oh well F-Maivia... that's a REAL (fighting) People's Champ!!!
-Booker entered the ring. Madden is the first to officially reference "New Blood Rising".
-Meanwhile, Dennis Miller isn't exactly wowing the audience with his ironic take on Professional Football. Al Michaels sounds like he could happily take Miller by the neck and throttle him. "RANT ON THIS, SMARTASS!!!!!"
-What in the HELL is Blue Man Group doing A: In Cincy, and B: at Nitro?
-Oh, they are just two douchebags in navy blue bodypaint. Didn't Ted Danson get in deep trouble doing that at the Friar's 7 years ago?
-Booker gets on the stick and says, "You knowww" (sigh) "a lot of y'all probably sitting there saying, 'This Guy is crazy'" (err... no... not the adjective I was thinking of)
-Booker says that even with the bad knee... which prompted a lot of folks, his Wife included, to declare that his days were NUMBERED... that he wasn't going to LAST... that he wasn't going to SURVIVE!!!. (Funny... the said the same damn thing about ScoopThis 4.0... WELL WHO'S LAUGHING NOW??? WHO???)
-Oh... umm... maybe he should dump the belt at the Announce Table and haul ass?
-Booker promised us ONE thing... if someone wants to take the Title belt from around his waist... they will have to KILL HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS RING!!! (yes, but what if the belt was around his shoulder... like right now? Will he just hand it over? SOMEONE GET RALPHUS!!! THIS IS HIS BIG CHANCE!!!!!!)
-Booker says that a LOT of guys back there might never get a chance to go after the gold, because the guy NEXT to him has his Lips wrapped around the right ASS... (ALL the way around? Them some big ass LIPS). There are guys back there, who will NEVER get a chance. Because the BRASS in WCW has STOPPED listening to the VOICES of the PEOPLE of WCW... (HAA!! When did they EVER??)
-Last week, WCW fans were PROMISED one thing, yet got something else. Like when you buy a car... and get a full engine warrenty, but when your Head Gasket goes, the company says, "Ooops... Seals and Gaskets were not covered! So you have to pay $700. Then you call the guy who sold you this car and asked God to give AIDS on his Son, but his Son gets Turberculosis instead. You were PROMISED something... but got something else! This is why I worship Satan.
-Booker said he was SUPPOSED to fight Steeng last week, but instead, got Beel Goldberg. So... he asked the fans personally if they wanted to see Booker defend the belt against Sting?
-Before ANYONE could answer, Tony yelled out, "Oh YEAH they do!!!!" (obviously, Tony was worried about the crowd saying nothing and the subsequential awkward silence that would follow).
-Booker said that the fans had "spoken" and they will get their title shot tonight! (REALLY? I'm working on that neck of his!! I want that STRAP!!)
-Booker forgot to remind us to NOT hate the Playa, but to hate the GAME... is it ok if I have a serious PROBLEM with the Playa? Nothing in the Handbook addresses this!
-He DID ask us if we could "dig it"... only if I get time and a half... I'm not opposed to manuel labor. I AM opposed to Manuel Ortiz... Rat Bastard
-Booker T muttered up a storm of curse words as...
-Jeff Jarrett came out. He got right to bitching away, LOUDLY. Then the idiot remembered to put the microphone up to his mouth.
-He says, "Hold on there... SLAPATORY!!" (ugh... what a dick)
-Jarrett, "Or... as YOU would say... let me drop the BOMB on your MOM!" (morbidly, I can't help but wonder how Gordon Solie would have handled that.
-Jarrett said that there will be NO title match between Booker and Sting... because Booker has a date with the Chosen One at NBR (hopefully, for the last time)
-Booker got on his mic and said that it was "plain and simple". If Jeff wanted to dance, he had to "pay the band" ($200 for a night, including 3 breaks). If Jeff wanted to BE the Man... he's going to have to "BEAT the Playa"... (WELL, at least they are FINALLY feeding off their OWN bones... instead of on McMahon's)
-Booker told Jarrett that the CORRECT terminology was "Save the Drama, for your Momma"... then invited Jeff to go at it right there. He jumped out of the ring. Jarrett ran down the ramp. Then Jeff realized that the ramp tilted sharply downwards... and gravity was accelerating him... so put on the brakes and battled Inertia. Alas, EVERYBODY looks like a Loser when they have to stick there arms out in order to slow down.
-They meet up and start to fight. It went back inside. That damn knee of Booker's gave out. (QUICK, ANYONE IN THE BUILDING HAVE A CORTISON SHOT??)
-Jarrett kicked away at the knee, then put Booker in the Figure Four. Booker's legs were crossed at the ankles... didn't look good.
-Oh, and Jarrett used a new variation where Booker was postioned so that the bottom rope was caught between his legs. As you can imagine (onlyafterthreehugeBongbitsandamajorsuspensionofdisbelief), this heightened Booker's pain immeasurably.
-Someone dressed like Sting ran out with his head still "bandaged" up in a Ski mask. This stranger Splashed Jarrett and tossed him out of the ring.
-THAT IS A FRAUD!!!! STING IS TOO DAMN LAZY TO SHOW UP!!!! I REFUSE TO THINK THAT THIS GUY COULD POSSIBLY BE...
-The Ski Mask came off... it was Sting. shit.
-Okay... so I'm wrong. IT WAS A SHOOT THEN!!! OKAY!! A TOTAL SHOOT!!! HOGAN IS STILL REELING FROM THE BACKSTABBING!!!
-Looking NO worse for wear after being burned AND thrown off the top of the NitroTron. I'm sure God healed him... friggin' Born Again Christains... they get ALL the breaks.
-Sting got on the mic and told Vampiro that the head games can WAIT... first things first...
-He helped Booker to his feet and told him that if he was feeling up to it for later that night, they will go at it and it will be "Showtime"... (Showtime? That channel sucks! Why not a COOL channel... like HBO! Or STARZ!!! STARZ has ALL the hit movies now!)
-Fast and dirty... quick one liners... that's what we're all about tonight kids.
-Jarrett got on the mike at ringside and said that if they wanted a "show"... he's got a show for them. Off the "top of his head" (ie: carefully mapped out and planned weeks ago), he named it "Slapnuts TheATEter" Then he grabbed Lavestia's head, spun her over the guard rail, and whacked her with his Guitar as she rolled. It was a good shot.
-Booker said "F-the Knee" and ran over to her. Sting helped Booker tended to her. Sting said, "Can we get some paramedics over here? Maybe? (Hey God boy... hows about spreading that healing power and PRAYING?????)
-"Lavestia"... jeeze. Although I once met a Girl named "Shanquelia"... nice Irish lass.
-Moments ago... well tilt your eyes UP.
-Backstage, Sting ORDERED Booker to go to the Hospital with his wife. HE'LL find Jarrett and enact revenge!! He'll send his entire Army of "Never-Been-Explained-Who-They-Were-For-Christ-Sakes" Monks out on the search if need be.
-Face time for the Announcers. Madden is in Sunglasses and Hawaiian shirt. Schiavone HUNCHES over to stress how IMPORTANT this is.
-Madden says that Lavestia took a little stroll down "Slapnuts Boulevard"... that's right... he said it. He RIPPED off another well known phrase. Why? Because he CAN'T COME UP WITH ANYTHING ON HIS OWN!!!!!!
-Fat F-Ing Jim Rome wannabe. I hope he dies, I hope he dies, I hope he dies, I hope he dies.
-He will, no way that fat heart can last any longer.
-Scherer says he's been getting e-mail from people who now say they LIKE Madden. Of course, Dave had posted none. It's like Scaia's "5000 Ask the Rick letters" It's BULLSHIT!!!
-Buff Bagwell comes out. We see that Chris Kanyon put Buff's Mother, Judy in the "Kanyon Cutter" last week... which led to an NBR "Judy Bagwell on a Pole Match" between the two. If they actually hoist her ass up on a pole... I'll pop. (in more ways than one)
-Judy Bagwell comes out. Madden asked why. Hudson said that maybe she's PROUD of her Son, then suggested that maybe Madden should talk to HIS Mom one day. This hit a soft spot in madden, who snapped, "Don't talk about my Mother, Baldy!" (AhHA!! A CHINK IN THE ARMOR!!!! FINALLY!!!! SOMETHING TO EXPLOIT!!)
-Hey Madden!! I F-ED YOUR MOTHER WITH A RUSTED OUT GARDEN WEASEL THEN SOAKED UP HER LOVE JUICE WITH A RAG AND SQUEEZED IT IN YOUR CHILI!!! AND YOU ATE IT!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
-Judy took a seat at the Announce table. Big Vito came out to mess with Buff.
-They might as well have played naked Tiddly Winks as Tony and the Boys made this the Judy Bagwell exclusive interview. This is all fine and dandy, but once Judy started in on her recipe for Rhubarb Pie, I tuned right out.
-Meanwhile, Buff was busy looking around for Kanyon in disguise. The Announcers said that one should not give only half attention to Vito... because he's A FIGHTER!!!
-No... he's Italian... thusly, he's a LOSER!!
-Buff went for the Superplex. Vito kicked out of the pin attempt.
-Buff thought the camera guy was Kanyon. Momma Bags (heh... how fitting) kept yelping, "ARM AWWIGHT!!!"
-Buff tried for the Sunset Flip. Vito pinwheeled his arms... then dropped down and pinned Buff. Vito wins again!! Must be the singlet.
-Backstage, Ernest Miller doesn't hear the music, so he takes a few seconds to tear away from his book, ("The Falconer"?? My God!) to notice...
-That gay guy stanbding in front of him. "Kiwi" asks for a match with the Artist tonight. Miller reminds him that he is the wardrobe guy. Kiwi persists. Miller starts to laugh. Kiwi shoves the stuff on Miller's desk aside and DEMANDS A DAMN MATCH WITH THE ARTIST. Miller relents and gives it to him. Kiwi leaves. Miller does what he ALWAYS does and stares in disbelief. Tyhe kiwi refers to himself in the third person. If the Hyatte did that, the Hyatte's readers would throw a fit. The Hyatte is already expecting a wave of letters about the F-Ed up RAW column already. The Hyatte is not looking forward to this week's batch of e-mail. The Hyatte is gay too.
-Kanyon is still riffing on DDP, and tells paula Pollshock that he fully expects to win his Bagwell match and retain the services of Judy Bagwell. He might even make her a Nitro Girl... because every Page needs a Kimberly. Then Pollshock asks why he hates women so much that he's always Kanyon Cutting them? Kanyon said, "'cause they smell", then remebered his lines and said because that's what he likes to do. He tried to Cut Pollshock, but Okerlund, of all people, stepped in and started to slap at Kanyon. Kanyon gave Gene a Cutter. The camera missed it, obviously so Old man Okerlund could fall to his knees and lay down carefully.
-Gene is now laid out. Pollshock is checking on him "Are you okay, Gene" (what do YOU think, bimbo?). Kanyon screamed "BANG" into the camera and took off. All in all, pretty cool.
-I weighed the consequences... juggled the pros and cons... calculated exactly how this might effect me and came to the conclusion: YES... I am FULLY prepared to say that I did NOT see "New Blood Rising". I am comfortable with my decision.
-Backstage, Bagwell located Chris Kanyon and TUNED on him.
-Backstage, Sting wasn't so lucky hunting Jarrett. Seems like, all he ever DOES is hunt people.
-The Artist came out in his new attire. Hudson asked if he thought he was in the Village People? Madden accused him of stealing his line. Hey Mark!! I made your Mother eat the underwear I've been wearing for two full weeks straight.
-Kiwi came out... now called "Kwee Wee"... because he AIN'T no fruit. His hairstyle looks like Christopher Lloyd's in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
-After a match which I REFUSE to get into... Kwee Wee won. he got on the mic and said he'll pitch (oh yeah baby!)... he'll receive, but you had better NOT Piss Him Off!!!!! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE HIM WHEN HE'S ANGRY!! (That damn reporter... sticking his nose where it don't belong. JUST LET THE GUY FIND A CURE DAMMIT!!! LET BIXBY FIND A CURE!!)
-Oh man... Glacier, The Artist, The Maestro, the Golfer, The Demon, Kwee Wee... they can sure crank them out, can't they?
-Backstage, Scott Steiner asks a WCW Employee where Miller is "at". The Employee gives him excellent directon. Steiner pays him back back hitting him with his lead pipe. (A GRAY LEAD PIPE!!! WHICH MEANS... SOMETHING RACIST!!!)
-Then Steiner bursts into Miller's dressing room and DEMANDS a title shot tonight. Muiller says that Booker's all set for the night. Streiner saysd that there will be a "Pipe Match" Tonight in the back. Miller tells Steiner to "Pipe his ass out of there" (Lame Ernie... LAME)
-Man, all this talk about pipes makes me wish I had a vial on me.
-Kevin Nash has ARRIVED!!! THE SHOOT IS FORTHCOMING!!!!!! INSTALL SEATBELTS IN YOUR LAZYBOYS KIDS, BECAUSE HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL!!!
-Norman Smiley walks into the building and asks Steiner's inflated Lip Chick if she wants to sit on his face? (read between the lines, people). Steiner nails him with his pipe.
-Paula Pollshock is on hand as General Rection deamnds that Ltn. Loco show him his "war face". Loco screams. Rection orders him to do it again. Loco bellows. (That one moment in "Full Metal Jacket" took 4 months and 200'989 takes... Kubrik was SUCH the perfectionist)
-Rection said that Lance Storm is Canadian... and as luck would have it, the Misfits had declared WAR on Canada that very day
-Lance Storm came out. He entered the ring and announced that he had some updates. First, he won the Hardcore belt last week... second, he is from "Calagary"... pause long enough for Hudson to say "Where?"... "Alberta Canada", he finsished... Hudson said "Oh". I laughed.
-Storm said that the Hardcore belt will now be called the "Sas... sas... that Canadian place. How should I know? I'm the ignorant American?
-The Sasquet... something Hardcore International Title. Madden, of course, HAD to IMMEDIATELY announced that the initials were "S.H.I.T" and this illegal to use. Because Mark is THAT DAMN SMART!!!
-Storm demanded that during HIS matches, WCW should be called, "World Canadian Wrestling"... then told us to blame ourselves for having inferior wrestlers. (Naah, I blame "TJ Hooker's" Adrian Zmed... for some weird reason.)
-Storm demanded that we rise and respect the Canadian National Anthem. The Announcers pissed all over it.
-The Misfits ran out mid anthem and Loco attacked. Hudson announced that Lavestia has been taken to "Good Sammaritan Hospital" and is resting comfortably. Booker T is on his way back (if only those damn Taxis would STOP for a Brother!!!) How come there are never and BAD Sammaritans?
-Oh man, the match was GOOD...
-Storm won with his Maple Leaf. Storm became the Cruiserweight champion. The first time ever 3 title champ... beating Angle's record by 1 belt. Thus, Storm is MUCH better than Angle. This is WCW Logic at work.
-Hey, I don't care. I LIKE Storm.
-Kevin Nash walked out. Because when you SHOOT... you don't wait for proper segments.
-Nash entered the ring and grabbed a mic. He ignored Storm, who stayed there.
-Nash invited Storm to leave. Storm went chest to chest... well, chest to stomach, really.
-Nash asked him again. Storm didn't budge.
-Nash threw the squirt out. Of course, the symbolism was SCREAMING IN OUR FACES... so I needn't point out the obvious.
-This will be a SHOOT!! FROM THE HIP, BABY!! UNSCRIPTED, UNREHEARSED!!! NOBODY KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!!! NASH IS PRIMED FOR A LITTLE COWBOY BOOKING WHERE NOBODY KNOWS HOW WILL END
Mop-Up Nitro 7.31.00
-Nash is set... mic to lips. Oh man. WHAT WILL HE SAY???
-"You knowww" (aw CRAP!! It's a work)
-He said that when Wrestlers go off the script, it's referred to as "working a shoot". F**K... and me without my notebook.
-He heard the comments made by Bill Goldberg last week... Tony said, "Boy, did we all!!" (umm... Tony? 2.9 rating for that segment. Most of "we all" were watching anything but)
-Nash has been in the biz for 12 years... and in those 12 years and during those 12 years, there was only one time when he didn't act professional.
-See, there was this "Canadian Guy", when he was in the World Wrestling Federation (*gasp*... he's aiming for between the eyes dammit!!) who didn't think it was Nash's night, because they were fighting in Montreal (Oh Why Nash? Why?). So the next night in Quebec, Nash "beat" his ass, and beat him in the middle!!
-Hudson, "We all remember that!" As did many Internet kids who made sure WE knbew that THEY knew. You know what? F-YOU!!!! I DIDN'T KNOW!!! I THOUGHT IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH BRET HART!!! F-ING SUE ME YOU MARKS!!! I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!! DOUCHEBAGS!!!!!
-Nash played some basketball before getting into the bizness. But UNLIKE Goldberg... he didn't slap asses with his teammates like those Fagola Football players.
-And after his Hoops career... he bounced. (ooh, that's a step down, isn't it?)
-He bounced all over the place... and wherever he bounced, there were sure to be hell raising football players. Well, those football players got a little elsson in ASS WHUPPIN'!! (I used to bounce too... I just used to give those Football players my Mom's address in order to get them to leave.)
-Nash ain't a wrestler (du-uh)... he's a fighter... and he don't LOSE fights.
-He also couldn't promise Goldberg that he'll be a "professional" at NBR. (Tony and Hudson both acted like Kevin just announced that he fathered Stephanie McMahon)
-BUT... he will take one of these rickety knees of his, and when GB charges him, he might just lift his leg up and drive GB's nose into his brain.
-Oh, and to WCW... he said that he isn't finished with his quest to get Scott Hall back. (Yeah, give him a shot or release him)
-Nash had more to say (DAMMIT, DIDN'T HE SHOOT ENOUGH ALREADY??) when he was cut off by Scott Steiner's music. Nash was VERY pissed. I think they really cut him off too soon.
-Steiner marched to the ring with his pipe and his Bimbo. Steiner got his own stick and said that he don't care about any of this... he just wants his title shot. He said more... inckluding calling Nash a "Piece of Shit". They attacked. WCW Security ran in. You can work the rest out for yourselves.
-Jarrett was walking around backstage... Tony sensed that he was coming to the RING??? (Oh, don't play with us Tony!!)
-Mucho Sexy demanded a match with Steiner tonight. Miller gave him a Straight Jacket and said that they can have a Straight Jacket Match.
-Jeff Jarrett came out and said that Sting can come on out any way he wants, so long as he comes out.
-Sting came out. He chose to walk down the ramp. I was sort of hoping he'd spin in like the Tasmanian Devil.
-This suddenly became an impromptu match. Which Sting took early control of.
-It spilled outside and up the ramp. After that whole Nash ordeal, I have officially lost all ability to determine what's real, and what isn't. THIS MIGHT BE A LEGIT FIGHT!!!!
-oh, of course it isn't.
-Jarrett caught Sting in the leg, then used a chair on it. The follow up Figure Four with the ropes seemed to seal Sting's fate. Thank ALLAH the Littler Stingers were in the crowd to cheer him on!!!
-Sting fought back, nailed Jarrett with the Death Drop on a chair... and won. Jarrett needed help getting out. He knows how to sell.
-Booker T has arrived. He left in the Ambulance with his Wife, but arrived in ANOTHER BMW!!! How many Beemers does he have?
-Oh, he didn't JACK the car? Did he? NO!!! NOT THE PEOPLE'S FIGHTING CHAMPION!?!?!?
-Terry Taylor told Booker that Jarrett was rushed to "Bad Sammaritan's Hospital" (well, I'll be damned!). Booker went looking for Sting.
-The Perfect Event came out. Tony eulogized Gordon Solie. Which came first? Ross's eulogy or Tony's? Who beat who to the punch, thus making the second guy look dumb?
-Kronic came out.
-Vampiro and Muta came out as the Per/vent took a seat. I have zero time for anything anymore.
-Jindrak and O'Hara came out. It was a 3 Way dance.
-In the "It's the Little Touches that Mean the Most" dept... Muta flipped head over heels off a Adams clothesline. THAT'S a Pro!
-Kronic wwere awarded the belt, but Jindrak and O'Hare had reasons to bitch as THEY had someone pinned too. Muta puked on everyone and the Per/Vent laughed.
-Backstage, Miller applauded Torrie on her videotaped performance last week, and booked Douglas against Kidman in a "Viagra on a Pole" Match. This did not sit well with Douglas.
-Elsewhere, Booker and Sting both decided that they were ready to fight tonight, because the REAL injuries were from all the broken hearts suffered by the fans last week when Goldberg ruined everything.
-Jindrak and O'Hare told Pollshock that Orndorff NEVER trained trained them on how to deal with backstage POLITICS... so they were learning as they went. Then they took off to wash Goldberg's car.
-Douglas and Torrie came out. Douglas got on mic assumed that the Cincy crowd was quite amused with the "Viagra on a Pole" Match. Well, he who laughs last laughs with a hardon!! So there!
-Kidman came out. Tony explained that the rules here were that if you get your hand on the bottle of Viagra, you can use it on your opponent. Viagra takes a full hour to get going, doesn't it? I will NOT stick with this show for a full hour!!!!!
-Oh... wait... I already do.
-Douglas laid Holy Hell on Kidman. Madden let the Viagra jokes fly. A fedw weeks ago, I would have given him credit... but no more. HEY MARK... I GOT YOUR MOM HOOKED ON HEROIN!!!! HOW 'BOUT DEM APPLES????
-It was TONY with the GREAT line, "He's going UP for the Viagra!!! I never thought I'd say that during a wrestling match" (obvious retort being, "I never thought I'd see Tony CALL a wrestling match!")
-Kidman gave Douglas a Reverse Crucifix Backdrop... I'm sure there's a Jap name for it.
-Kidman climbed up and got the Viagra. Now what? Don't tell me he's going to hit Shane with the bottle?
-He dropped down. Shane gave him the "Franchiser"... Viagra was all OVER the ring. Franchise won. Nice premise. Fun match. Lousy denoument.
-Then Torrie rubbed Kidman's face in the Viagra. Hudson feared a potential overdose. "Nothing funny about an overdose, Tony" (well, what about overdosing on LOVE???)
-Backstage, Ms Handcock was getting ready for her nonsense
-Nash was examining the Straight Jacket.
-Steiner was pumping his little rubber bands,
-Gunns and Ms Handcock found each other and this became a Hardcore Match.
-The fought in the showers. No water was running.
-Then they fought at a table filled with pastry. Tony and Hudson screamed, "THAT'S MARK'S CATERING TABLE!!!!" (HAA!!! BOOYAAAAA!!)
-Handcock took a cake right in the face. Gunns stopped and started to laugh. Handcock threw food at her. Someone screamed, "YOU WITCH!!"
-Meanwhile, The Wall and David Flair appeared in the ring and were fighting. We were doing just fine without them.
-Everyone ended up in the ring. Well... everyone with boobs.
-Gunns chopped Handcock in the titties... Handcock threw her into a arranged table leaning against the corner.
-Handcock pinned Gunns after a chokeslam... I think.
-Later, the Wall, now known as AWOL. (add periods between each letter, if you wish) carried Gunns away.
-Fun time is over as we see Booker and Sting preparing. Tony was cut off by some...
-A trio of Nitro Girls were so imprssed with Kidman's Viagra inspired nether regions that they offered to go to his hotel room with him and put that bad boy to good use. More power to you, brother.
-Those were NITRO GIRLS?? Don't recognize any of them? I'm SURE one of them is REALLY a Rocket Scientist who does this on the side.
-What am I saying? They are ALL Rocket Scientists!!
-Tony warns those with heart problems NOT to takeViagra. Losing money by the millions each year tends to make you very leery of potential lawsuits.
-Scott Steiner came out with Jaggerlips. He had something to say on the mic. Most of it was bleeped.
-Nash came out with the Straight jacket. Steiner ducked out. Mouthed off at Madden, then jumped back in.
-The rules are simple. Get your opponent in the Jacket, then beat him stupid until you are too tired.
-As Nash lifts his leg and knees Steiner in the corner, followed by that Elbow smash thing he does... Tony Schiavone announces that Vince Russo will be "shooting" on Thunder Wednesday night. (who out there thinks he'll say the letters "W", W", and "F" in rapid succesion at least ONCE?)
-Steiner Belly to Belly's Nash. You don't PIN him in a SJ match, dummy!!!
-Steiner kicked Nash around, and jawed at the fans a little.
-Nash fights back... Big Boot to Steiner's face.
-Nash picks Steiner up. Steiner hangs on. Nash drops him on the top turnbuckle.
-The Bimbo runs out. Nash Jacknifed her. Although his face was buried in her crotch for a moment... Nash didn't play around with it, like pat her ass or something.
-Rick Steiner ran out. The crowd started to bark.
-The Double team was on. They put Steiner in the Jacket.
-Tony sold the fact that once Nash was all wrapped up, they could do WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO HIM!!! NITRO MIGHT GO TO MIDNIGHT BECAUSE THE STEINERS WILL POUND AWAY FOR AN HOUR IF THEY WANT!!! THIS WILL BE A BLOODBATH DAMMIT!!!! A BLOODBATH!!! F-THE WWF, THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE WATCHING!!!
-Oh, they kicked him a few times... but that was it. Oh well.
-Stink came out. Boy, I can smell him from HERE! (heh, I kind of enjoyed that)
-Booker came out. Let's ROLL!!!
-Lockup, Booker with the headlock!!
-Sting muscled out. Tony promised 110% from the workers. Someone call NASA! WCW HAS CRACKED A FUNDAMENTAL LAW OF NATURE!!!!!! CAN WARP DRIVE BE FAR BEHIND???
-Outside, friendship is put aside as Sting worked on the knee. It's for the TITLE!! STUPID!!
-Booker hijacked the energy from the little Stingers and took it for himself. He fought back!
-Booker with his Big Flying Leg. It hurt him.
-Sting was outside... and arm reached out from unbder the ring and pulled Sting under the mat. The Announcers saw uit, but refused to tell the baffled Ref.
-Sting crawled back out, bloody. Booker limped over to him... and ate a reflex elbow.
-Sting fought back. He tried a few pins.
-Booker went for a suplex... Sting roilled out and went for the Death Drop... Booker swished out and hit the ROCK BOTTOM (DAMMIT!!!). Booker hit the pin and retained.
-Turns out, it was the Demon under there. Sting will not put this guy over.
-Muta, Vampiro, and even Jarrett showed up. As Sting and Vamp and Co. went all stupid with spitting fire and burnbing coffins, jarret went the traditional route and old schooled the HELL out of Booker's leg. The show ended.
Geeze... it wasn't bad really. I had to fly because I always have to fly. It's a long story that you don't want to hear. Just go to the closer.
Oh... RAW wins. Why? 69, DUDES!!!!
So, I was fiddling around yesterday, really having no idea what to do about a Closer, when one of my Online Babes showed up. Now, even though she isn’t a wrestling fan and really has no clue what I do... she still realizes that I rock. After chatting for a while, inspiration hit me... and I started steering her into a certain direction. As always, I brilliantly detected the irony of posting this on the week that HHH and Stratus did a little “69” action... so I have Irony covered. Read carefully Boys, you might just learn a thing or two about Women... and God knows you scrubs need it.
Oh, and I changed her name... so you can’t harass her and beg for some Cyber action.
Oh (2), and keep some tissues nearby.
Oh (3), I realize that this has nothing to do with Wrestling... who gives a flying F**K?
Oh (4), Did I mention that she is 17 years old?
HOT TEENAGE SLUTS!!!
HYATTE1COM: Mandy... I have a lot of male readers who are... “awkward” when it comes to women...
EMILY Wrestling fan who are awkward? I don’t see the correlation.
HYATTE1COM: So, I was wondering if you can give them advise, or at least prepare them for something many might get one day.
EMILY Such as?
HYATTE1COM: Mandy, at what point will you blow a guy?
EMILY historically we're talking like a month... it's been longer and shorter but I'd say that's average, once again I know lots of girls that'll do it on the first date or very soon afterwards
HYATTE1COM: ouch...does it have to be voluntary, or can he ask for it?
EMILY oh no, voluntary
HYATTE1COM: wouldn't you be flattered if he begged, though?
EMILY um......no, I'd just think he was desperate. We'll do it when we're ready, also not a good idea to try to barter with oral sex
HYATTE1COM: ah.. okay, with the art of blowing a guy... what's the first move?
EMILY do I really have to go into this?
HYATTE1COM: if you don't, I'll stop loving you
EMILY you suck
HYATTE1COM: you wish
EMILY all right here we go......first of all I do NOT get on my knees
HYATTE1COM: why not?
EMILY I dunno, mental things, makes me feel subservient I suppose
HYATTE1COM: what about in the car? With your head against the steering wheel?
EMILY I don't like car play
HYATTE1COM: why not?
EMILY I dunno, just never been into the whole it makes it better if there's a chance we could get caught thing I like taking my time and being totally stress free
HYATTE1COM: okay, describe the process
EMILY anyway, the first time, don't tell him you're gonna do it, much better if it's a surprise
EMILY all right, laying on bed, me on top
EMILY ya know, making out blah blah blah, I start kissing his neck, work on that for a while... eventually move onto the shoulders, alternating, and then the chest... move down the chest, onto the stomach taking your time, using the tongue occasionally
EMILY go slower as you go farther south cause by that time he's probably figured it out
HYATTE1COM: slow down
HYATTE1COM: keep going whilst I grab a hankie
EMILY k......this is more flustering than I thought it would be
HYATTE1COM: of course... because you love me
EMILY anyway eventually work your way down the happy trail, kissing softly around
HYATTE1COM: what if it's already at full attention?
EMILY well it damn well should be
EMILY so what am I supposed to call it?
EMILY I hate saying that
HYATTE1COM: say... thing
HYATTE1COM: you pick then
EMILY nah, I suppose thing will do
HYATTE1COM: Mandy... quit stalling
EMILY anyway I slowly and softly begin kissing at the base and work my way up the........thing
EMILY not ignoring the balls b/c I think they get jealous
EMILY when I get to the tip I first take a little bit at a time, taking a little more each time
HYATTE1COM: what should the guy be doing at this point?
EMILY I hate this.....
HYATTE1COM: you love it..
EMILY expressing his pleasure vocally is nice....running his fingers across my neck and back is nice......pretty much anything but thrusting
EMILY well I mean you basically know all the in between stuff, increasing speed and eventually taking as much as I can until orgas,
HYATTE1COM: spit or swallow? And should he warn you ahead of time?
EMILY I've only swallowed once......and vomited for about 5 minutes afterwards.........I'm definitely a spitter
HYATTE1COM: what does it taste like?
EMILY almost a thick salt water I suppose....the consistency bothers me more than the taste
HYATTE1COM: what about a final kiss afterwards?
EMILY yeah......I guess it might bother the guy but it's definitely a nice touch
HYATTE1COM: are we expected to kiss a mouth that held our goo?
HYATTE1COM: Are you crazy? Would YOU want to kiss a guy after he went muff diving?
EMILY hey, I'm a hypocrite
HYATTE1COM: how do you give a good blowjob OR... how can a guy get a good blowjob? What does he have to do... how should he act?
EMILY advice for a guy would be to NEVER under any circumstance push our heads down
HYATTE1COM: Okay.. that's good
EMILY we know where it is, if we want to go down there we can find it on our own
HYATTE1COM: go on.
EMILY maybe you should put like a diagram of the female genitalia marking the clitoris
HYATTE1COM: no diagrams.. this is a family column... go on
EMILY I have had to show every guy I have ever been with where it is and what to do with it
EMILY when we offer to pay we're just being nice, even if we insist, we don't really want to pay
HYATTE1COM: I'm sure most of the readers can figure out the first, but explain the second
EMILY anyway.....hmm.......never tell a girl you love her right before or after the first
time you have sex
HYATTE1COM: why not?
EMILY there's no credibility in that
HYATTE1COM: okay... Amanda, what about when the guy thrusts as you are engaged with him orally?
EMILY OH NO
EMILY I go at my own pace, there is an art to this and he's just f**king up the program,
plus I'm doing as much as I can not to gag
HYATTE1COM: okay.. Mandy, you were wonderful. Tell the audience how much you love me?
EMILY enough to explain how I give oral sex in detail
HYATTE1COM: come on baby.. tell them that I'm the King
EMILY I hate you.
EMILY fine fine, I love you Chris Hyatte, you're the King
HYATTE1COM: How badly do you want me on your neck, running my fingers through your hair?
EMILY quit it quit it quit it
That killed it. Can I work the babes or WHAT?
One day, I’ll post a conversation we had about what a guy should do on their first date... all the details. I would have ran in this week, but the entire text took 17 pages on WP. This stuff about giving head only took three... and that’s WITH it single spaced
This closer was dedicated to Gordon Solie... because nothing brings to mind Teenage Girls giving Oral more than the Dean...
This was the most pointless closer EVER! Thank God most of you didn’t have the patience to read it through.
I have to go clean my PC now.. and change my shorts.. damn... I better take a shower too. Jesus... if I get any worse, I’ll be getting real aquainted with “Megan’s Law”
This is Hyatte
Talk about Mop-Up Nitro 7.31.00 in the 411 Fan Forum