Mop-Up Nitro (Flashback: 8.28.00) 

By Hyatte

Mop-Up Nitro

You do realize that WCW is suffering from "Penis Envy" right?

You do realize I wrote that above sentence just so I could get the word "penis" in the top of the column, right?

Good, then we can move on...

NITRO: (or: I was more excited when the Monkees got back together)

-NOTE: Funny week, not only did I miss the very first two minutes of RAW, I also missed the first two minutes of Nitro! Why, if I was still at SCOOPS, it would call for another EMERGENCY VACATION!!! SORRY AL, BUT MY SECOND UNCLE IN NEW GUINEA DIED AND I MUST TAKE THE RED EYE TO CLAIM THE BODY!!! TALK TO YOU TOMORROW!!! BOOYAAAA!!!!!

-heh, you should have read some of the excuses I gave him. Almost as bad as that one.


-or maybe a limo pulled up... but I'm sure it was a Limo that RE-DEFINED THE LANDSCAPE OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING!!!

-The Mop-Up joins Nitro, already in progress...

-Dark Carnival comes out... the Inane Clown Posse was with them. Which one of them says, "Word to your Mother" again?

-Muta was there too... he's REALLY in the country to file a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the US Government for that A-Bomb thing. Seems that the residue radiation is what's causing Muta's hair to fall out. (DAMN YOU FDR!!! YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN'S CHILDREN ARE STILL PAYING FOR YOUR TRIGGER HAPPY FINGER!!!!)

-Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden are there. Tony announces that Scott Hudson is sitting at home anxiously awaiting the birth of his first child. I wonder if his wife knows? (booyaa)

-FINALLY... someone in the Hudson household actually BALDER than Scott. Praise Jesus.

-ooo... I hope it's a boy. That way, he can get all bitter and resentful at Daddy once genetics kick in and his hairline starts to go right around 18. Heh heh heh... KNIFE THAT BASTARD IN THE THROAT JUNIOR!!!!! SLICE THAT PRICK UP!!! LOOK WHAT HE GAVE YOU!!!

-Madden was there, I think we have a better chance of seeing Scherer hit on someone his own age and NOT blood related than we do seeing Mark take a week off to attend to a chick pregnant with his seed.

-Madden starts yapping about who held this silly title the Clowns are parading about. Why reference Zbyszko? 

-I have a message to all those "Juggalos": You worship white rappers who dress like Bozo.

-Just in case it didn't sink in.

-Three Count ran in and started fighting Vampiro and the... heh... Clowns. Madden said that he had a "treat" for Tony, and had his "good, close, personal friend" Muta sit in for a spell. (say, exactly who started the phrase, "Good, close, personal friend" anyway... that thing's been around longer than, "Yo' Momma" Hell, it's been around longer than "Hyatte Sucks".

-Muta SCREAMED something in that constipated, Jap way of speaking to compensate for their small peckers. Then he repeated it. Madden swore that he said that it was an honor work with to the best looking big man on TV (kind of like calling Corky from "Life Goes On", the Smartest Retard... he's still retarded... and Madden's still a fat fugly virgin).

-Actually, I KNOW some Japanese... what Muta actually said was, "Ugh, where is McMahon? I want out of this show! Then he said, "F**K WCW" a couple of times.

-You might get this next line, you might not... either way, you probably won't laugh. Just a warning

-THEN he asked where that Gaijin, "Wild Pegasus" is. He hasn't seen the toothless dog since he came back.

-Early into it, Three Count were sort of tossed into each other in the middle of the ring. They looked at each other, smiled and did a dance together... all this while Vampiro and the Clarabells were staring at them. THIS is how they are showcasing the product? THIS is how they will lure in RAW's audience?

-Later on, Three Count cleaned house. Muta screamed, "YAAAAAAAH YAAAAAH YAAAAH" He sounded like Madden thought he had an egg roll in his lap and broke out the chop sticks. (oh God... that might have been the single lamest thing I've ever wrote)

-Violet Jay (purple... what a fag) and Shaggy Isa Dope (ZOINKS) flew through the air. Vampiro did something and scored the win. Forget about all this, what I want to know is... what Douchebag, in the name of Allah, would bring the symbol of MERCEDES BENZ as a SIGN TO A WRESTLING SHOW??

-Muta screamed some for Japanese, I'm pretty sure he said, "I will kill your pets and feed them back to you in your flied lice!"

-Tank Abbott rolled out. I defy you not to look at the fat roll across his stomach and not be thoroughly hypnotised. No WONDER he won so many UFC matches... he had guys like Mark Coleman and those Grace nitwits in a TRANCE!!

-Well, that explains why the UFC ref started clucking like a chicken during one of Tank's last matches.

-Tank started beating the crap out of Three Count. Then ICP and Vampiro jumped in FOR NO REASON!!!!

-Suddenly, everyone was on Tank. Except for Violet J... who started kicking Tank's belly... stopped, paused, grabbed the mic, said, "I am Madonna", then started to sing "Like a Virgin". 

-Then, the Demon ran out. When did he become "good"? Is he even remotely somewhere within pissing distance of being anywhere that could possibly, and with a great deal of generosity, be laughing called in the vicinity of being over?

-The answer, is NO... he is the new Glacier of WCW

-Muta attacked the demon. Madden called him the "toughest color commentator in the business". No, that would be Lawler... the King... you cake frost eating, keeping McDonalds in business, never kissed a girl, loser haircut, jacks off alone in his room every night, wants to be in the WWF, piece of toad wart SHIT!!!! 

-I GAVE MARK MADDEN'S MOTHER A FI... oh, we'll save that for later.

-Then the lights dimmed. Tony screamed, "HOLD THE PHONE!"... I didn't know the phone was in danger of escaping? I didn't even know that the phone had legs?

-Sting ran out with a baseball bat. He cleaned up. Tony, "STING... IS... HERE!!!" (no he ain't. Sting hasn't "been" there in a long, long time.)

-Tony acted like we were the luckiest sonsabitches on Earth. We get these HEART STOPPING THRILLS all night long... then he got cocky and asked, "THERE IS NO OTHER WRESTLING SHOW ON FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS!!! YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!!!! YOU ARE WATCHING NITRO ALL NIGHT LONG!!!

-bastard... rub it in, why don't you.

-commercials. Keanu Reeves plays a handsome seducer who just happens to kill women after he's done with them. Well, no WONDER David Geffen snatched him right up!

-"The Pretender" is coming to TNT. Not to prolong the theme here, but doesn't the guy who plays the "Pretender" look like the biggest homo on television? Yes, I know he was in that fag flick with Captain Picard a few years ago... it doesn't change the fact that he looks a little TOO butch.

-Vince Russo came out with his "NW-No". Allow me to jump on the bandwagon and ask, "Didn't he say he would stay OFF television?".

-Funny thing about Russo... he goes on Ryder's embarassment, WCW Live. One second he's talking about ratings, ratings, and more ratings. Oh the WWF peaked a year ago, Oh Nitro's ratings at 9:00 stayed remarkably high, oh they are just a few weeks away from REALLY looking like they might start competing... Oh the ratings WANT to go up, all they need to do is budge them a little.

-THEN... the little a-hole... later on in the show... this bitch said that he DOESN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE RATINGS!!!! ALL HE THINKS ABOUT IS WRITING GOOD SHOWS!!!! He just spun around 180 goddam degrees right on the air... RIGHT IN OUR FACES!! 

-The worst thing about this Ryder and Borash... who I PRAY go blind from Diabetes... they LET IT GO!!! THEY DON'T POINT OUT THE UTTER HYPOCRACY!! THEY DIDN'T F-ING SAY A WORD!!! A-HOLES!!!! DOUCHEBAGS!!! I HOPE YOU DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!

-So, the crew is Russo, Nash, Jarrett, and Steiner... who was wearing his "Queen of Sheba" head dress. Too late dude, the Scorpion King has already been casted... guess what bitch, IT AIN'T YOU!!!!!!

-I swear... if WCW starts selling those head dresses to the fans... I won't do anything


-so basically, there'll be no change.

-Oh and the "Natural Born Thrillers" came with them. All trained at the Power Plant. Guess which "Thriller" got an A+ in "Wearing a Wire: 101" How they managed to get G. Gordon Liddy to teach that one is a real coup.

-Madden wondered how Goldberg can handle this? After all, he's only "one man".

-Tony gawped at him and said, "Listen to yourself! How can you sit there and call Goldberg ONE MAN!!" (Right! what about Hymie... his midget brother who lives up his ass?)

-Russo got on the mic and said, "You cheer Scott Steiner. You cheer Kevin Nash. YOU CHEER ME!" (I'm not certain if that was a demand, or a philosophical statement)

-Russo introduced this as "NOT a family", but the most "elite group in Double U See Double U" (Betcha they start arguing by the end of the show)

-When Russo came to this compnay 11 months ago (and he's accomplished so MUCH in that time) he had a plan... and here it is... he got the band BACK together. (Ahh, that explains why Dillenger and friends had to escort a confused Ringo out through a side door. He showed up with the wrong ideas. "I knew that bloody John was shammin' us!")

-Russo told Goldberg that he had his chance to sign a release and leave the company. But he blew it. Now they have to do it the "hard way". (Leave WCW? WHO WOULD WANT TO LEAVE WCW!!!)

-Truth is, if Russo really DID offer the talent their unconditional releases, there would be a line stretching deep backstage and maybe out of the building.

-Russo handed the mic off to Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett said that he indeed WAS the "Chosen One" (a title that gets less and less meaningful as time goes on) and he called everyone a noun that had the adjective "slap" in front of it... even though "slap" is primarily a verb. 

-BIG sign shown that read, "JEFF JEROT IS A SLAP NUT". The cameras lingered too long on this illiterate. The WWF is busy getting their audience to register and help them establish a political foothold in the American Electoral system and WCW is showing signs from fans who can't spell. Oh right, WHICH show looks like a throwback to the 70's again, Mr. Russo?

-Jarrett had a question for each and every one of us... can we name ANYONE in WCW who can stop the three of them? (well, Brad Seigal and a few accountant)

-Jarrett assured us that the answer was "no" (then why even ASK? Dickhead!). Furthermore, he went so far as to claim that it burns each and every one of us that Big Kev was now on their team! (Actually, I am rather non-plussed on the subject.)

-Jarrett accused Mike Awesome of costing him his title, he also called him a "big drop of water" (huh?). He told Awesome that they will fight at Fall Brawl in a "Bunkhouse Brawl".

-It was Scott Steiner's turn. He told Goldberg that the "message was made clear to you, and to those white trash out there" (The man is pretending to be Cleopatra and he's calling US white trash?)

-Steiner said that he could "shave his ass and walk backwards, and still look better than his girlfriend!" (I wonder if he dyed his ass hairs too?)

-Steiner promised to beat up Goldberg every week if needed, right up until Fall Brawl.

-Then Nash had the mic. Now we get the story. No more games... no more scripts... NOW WE WILL HEAR WHY KEVIN HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THE FANS!!! FROM HERE ON OUT... IT'S A SHOOT, FOLKS!

-Nash put the mic to his lips and said, "You knowww", (OH DAMMIT!!! FALSE ALARM! HE'S READING THE DUMMY CARDS!)

-He said that he decided to call himself "Big Sexy" a couple of years ago. He said that he SHOULD have called himself the "Puppet Master".

-See, every couple of months, Nash "sucks us in" and we all buy his merchandise! (yeah, you couldn''t GIVE those NWO shirts away)

-Well, now that everything's been sold, we see the "real" Nash. One who doesn't give a damn about the fans, and never did. (well, he wasn't exactly the People's Champ before, now was he?)

-A: We can't give him title shots. B: We can't give him belts. C: We can't watch his back. (Well A: Without us, he would never be over. B: Without us to get him over, he would never get the title shot and the belt. C: We tell you ALL THE TIME when someone's sneaking up... we ALWAYS scream that someone's coming. You just NEVER LISTEN!!!)

-The only thing that matters to Nash is... 

-Crowd chants Goldberg's name. Tony, "Do you think Goldberg is the reason Vince Russo organized this?" (Is this Tony's first Nitro? Is Tony a COMPLETE idiot?)

-... is that in Buffalo, he will be the new World Champ.

-Russo jumped in, "I'm sorry, but you're wrong!"

-audible gasp from Madden. Tony, "Did you... DIDYOUJUSTHEARWHATRUSSOJUSTSAID?????"

-Madden and Tony spend the next two minutes frantically debating about whether Russo was screwing Nash right before our very eyes.

-Russo said that Nash will NOT become WCW champ in Buffalo. No, Nash will become WCW champ right here in wherever they are tonight... I came in late. I haven't the foggiest.

-Russo booked the match for tonight. He named Jarrett the inside referee for the match and named Steiner as the outside referee. Jarrett looked surprised. Steiner looked like he finally fought his way back into his body, ousted the Egyptian Pharoah that was possessing him, and realized that he's been running around with that ridiculous thing on his head for three weeks now.

-Russo asked Booker if "he could dig that?"

-Booker's music came on... MUCH too soon to pull off the "spontaneous" vibe.

-Booker had a mic. He said that he knew for a FACT that he's speaking for everyone in the building tonight when he say "would you PLEASE shut the hell up!" (He knew for a FACT? Did he take a poll? Did he ask everyone personally?)

-Madden and Tony debated on whether Booker earned the belt, or if Russo made him. Well, since Booker is blacker than Wesley Snipes and Russo's whiter than Jerry Seinfeld... we can definitely rule out the second.

-Booker insisted that nobody in that ring can... can... oy

-Booker told them to "Save the drama for yo' Momma" (I'm amazed no one has grabbed the mic and said, "Boy, you best step off on my MOMMA!!!"... then again, the last thing WCW needs is to have someone call ANY black talent a "boy", right at the moment.)

-The Booker said that he saw four "nuthin happ'nin, play hatas in that ring!" (all right, WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS SHOT BIGGIE???)

-So, if one of them was looking for a beat down tonight, Booker would be happy to oblige. he even told Russo that he could pick the guy who would get said beat down (uhh, Booker... he already did that)

-Then the script was totally forgotten as Russo got on the mic and invited Booker to come to the ring and discuss this.

-Booker made his way down the ring. The sea of Thrillers, all wearing white t-shirts, parted... (ahh, somewhere, Martin Luthor King is smiling... but that might just be because he's banging Marylin Monroe up in Heaven... MLK loved his white babes) 

-Ernest Miller came out with his own White babe. He was wearing a black cowboy hat (in case Mel Brooks plans on re-making "Blazing Saddles", no doubt). He said that HE was the Boss, HE makes the decisions, and HE knows that these people don't want to see Russo's ass in the ring.

-Russo got on the stick and called Miller, "Dolemite"... then he DROPPED THE MIC FROM HIS MOUTH... (obviously, to give the fans a chance to laugh at his stunning wit... the fans passed)

-Miller told his white girl to go get his karate gear in his car. He was going to whup some ass tonight. (He does a lot of talk for a guy who NEVER wins)

-Miller and GI T entered the ring. If the phrase "Let me tell you something" was a stock... and I invested... I'd be worth MILLIONS on paper after tonight.

-Miller and Russo went nose to nose. Miller told Russo to take his three bitches and get the Hell out of the ring.

-Russo tried to sday something. Miller cut him off and said, "I have spoken!"

-Then, like a MORON, he turned his back to Russo and raised his arms in the air.... WHICH show looks like a throwback to the 70's again, Vince?

-Russo, of course, crotched him

-Everyone in the ring who was NOT black attacked everyone in the ring who WAS... the fans exploded with cheers... (ignorant, foolish, BASTARDS!!!!!!!!)

-The Filthy Animals ran out and messed with the Thrillers. Dear God, they found a way for me to root for Sean Stasiak.

-Jarrett gave K-Dog the "Stroke"... I am officially volunteering a Kidney to Jarrett should he ever need it.

-Nash gave Rey Mysterio a big boot. It seems like, every two years or so, someone in WCW gets the idea that it would be fun to see Nash beat the crap out of Rey Mysterio.

-Steiner gorilla slammed Juventud... Juvee had to jump twice in order for Steiner to hoist him up. Juvve ways a buck 160 and Steiner struggled with him. Steiner's a pussy and I'll tell him that to his face.

-Russo told his crew to go, and they left. Not very far though...

-Because Goldberg appeared on the NitroTron, in a taped bit where he's out in the desert digging a hole. He looks at the camera and say that this hole is for Russo... and Russo is "next". well, there was more to it than that, but you don't need to hear it.

-What you DO need to know is that Russo gave one of the hammiest acting performances you'll ever see. Every facial shot was accentuated. He makes that single "gulp" move McMahon does seem as subtle as Olivier doing Hamlet.

-What you ALSO need to know is that after Goldberg finished talking, his shovel clanked something. He bent down, and stood back up holding a skull. He screamed, "YOU SEE!!! YOU SEE!!! WE WERE RIGHT!!! HOW CAN I HAVE THE SKULL OF CHRIST IF THE C***SUCKER WAS RESURRECTED???? STICK THIS IN YOUR CATHOLIC PIPES AND SMOKE IT!!!! WE WERE RIGHT ALL THIS TIME GODDAMMIT!!!! ALL THIS...

-they cut him off and LAUNCHED us into some...


-Spot for 5 Star Notebooks, where a kid chickens out on talking to a girl. I think that kid posts on the Uncensored Board.

-Moments ago, the 15 minutes that Ryder SWORE UP AND DOWN THAT WE DID NOT WANT TO MISS EVEN THOUGH NOW HE SAYS IT WAS NEVER THAT BIG A DEAL AND IT WAS ALL INTERNET HYPE went down. (so, if it was all Internet Hype... who STARTED the hype? Hmmm? What Internet Guy has enough interest in the success of WCW to start hyping stuff? I wonder?)

-Miller was loaded into an Ambulance. The Brothers take NO chances when whitey kicks them in the Jimmies.

-Backstage, Russo ORDERS, DEMANDS, BEGS, AND PLEADS with his crew to NOT leave him alone tonight. To stay with him at all times. So, of course, they all leave within 30 seconds.

-Just as Jarrett leaves. The Phone rings. Russo picks it up. It's Goldberg. "Hey Russo!" Russo knocks the phone away. We STILL clearly hear GB say "You want ratings? I'm on my way!"

-This has been SO done already.


-Internet Interviewer: Vince, what do you say to those people who say you ripped off Austin/McMahon with you and Goldberg tonight?

-Russo: Let me tell you something. I WROTE that bit with Austin and McMahon!

-Internet Interviewer: Okay, good enough! Hey, can you get me backstage? Can you buy some beer for me and my pals?


-Pasty came to the ring. For a Sister, she really is looking pale.

-Tygress came out. She's not exactly an eggplant either

-Major Gunns came out. Now THIS is a girl who is in a blood feud with Father time... and she ain't winning. 

-This is a 3 way dance. Tygress won.

-Oh... wait... no, this is WCW. The Ref slapped the mat three times. The bell rang. Madden screamed "TYGRESS WINS". David Pinzer announced that Tygress won... so of course Tony told us that our eyes and ears were lying and it was only a TWO count.

-Oh, and Gunns shoulders never LEFT the mat either

-I refuse to recap such STUPIDITY!!!!!

-of course, I wasn't planning on recapping this very much even if it was perfectly done. 

-Rey Mysterio found himself surrounded by the Natural Born Thrillers. He asked which one of these "Cranberries" dropped a dumbell weight. I want to know which one of those Cranberries can do that yodel sound when they sing, "Zombie"? 

-Suddenly, Juvee pops out and maces all of them. Then K-Phuk and DINF join in and beat them all down.

-Konan opens a door and tells Russo that the Thrillers were dealt with. Someone call Immigration on this bald monkey already.


-Nitro has a new Trading card game. Because only Norman Smiley can save YOUR Kingdom from Zorn the Wicked Sorcerer and his partner, Miglar the Ogre Prince!

-Jarrett is outside. He meets a truck, that is backing in. The truck's bed is filled with Guitars. Figure, Jarrett's gone through a million of them over the years, right? So how do you explain Tony as he says, with awe, "Would you look at THIS?"

-Paula Poleuphersnatch talks to Mike Awesome... who is now wearing a 70'S LEISURE SUIT... what the F**K was wrong with the "Career Killer"? What the F**K was wrong with the monster who tossed Kanyon off the three tiered cage?

-WHICH show is a throwback to the 70's, Russo?

-Suddenly, Mike Awesome is WCW's "Sexual Chocolate"

-Awesome challenged Rick Steiner to a Bunkhouse Match for tonight. Which he will lose. 

-Ah... wait... I was wrong! The Career Killer is ALIVE AND WELL! He's busy working on killing his latest career ... HIS OWN.

-Kronic came to the ring.

-Tony said "as you can see, the cage has been lowered"... unfortunately, since the camera was still on Kronic... well, you know. (It's the LITTLE DETAILS that this company needs to work on... badly. The number of small errors seem to grow and grow each week.)

-The Harris Boys come out. It's a "House of Pain" match. The Losers are the ones who find themselves handcuffed to the cage.

-The bell rings. 

-What's the point of this match again? Why are the Harris Boys there again? Have they had ANY storyline to work from? Or is this just another one of those, "We're big, you're big.. thus we hate each other!"

-The match ended non-contest-like after Adams threw one of the Harris kids through the cage wall, which broke off. 

-Harris attacked a ringside fan for no reason. Dillenger and crew eventually charged out and protected the fan... or perhaps to make the fan drink his foul blood? Perhaps... perhaps. 

-Don't bother praying for this poor soul. It's already doomed.

-We had a few more minutes of brawling... mostly so Tony can marvel at the sheer brutality of these two teams... mostly to try to get us to forget that TLC Match at Summerslam. (It's AMAZING how they can be so ballsy with shit like that).

-Backstage, Lance Storm is walking with Flex Elixer... (at least here in America... our Brother's have PROPER names... like Nosmo King, Kareem Inmecoffee, and Guilty Ascharged)

-commercials Spot for "Fall Brawl"... the announcer said, "Alright, so you WERE prepared to say you didn't see New Blood Rising, couldn't you at least TRY this one?"

-Tony presents us with a "sneak preview" (trailer that runs constantly) of the "new hit film" (which hasn't opened yet) the "Way of the Gun".

-Ryan Philippe is an actor who can't act. Watch him mumble his way through "Studio 57". Watch his dead face as he reads cue cards on "Cruel Intentions". Ryan Phillippe re-defines the word "Hollywood Pretty Boy". Ryan Phillippe can go drown in a pool of Clorox with a dead squirrel lodged in a very bad place.

-and Benedicto Del Torio... or whatever his name is... he is one ugly muthaf-er

-The REAL movie called "The Way of the Gun" should be about how the Producer of "Ready to Rumble" shot himself in the face after that film's opening weekend.

-Lance Storm came to the ring. He entered and asked if he could be serious for a moment... then was hit in the face with a pie!

-After cleaning himself off... he challenged someone from "MIA" to a "POW" Match, where the winner gets to take one of the losers teammates "hostage", meaning that whoever the winner takes has to work for the winner... which really, is a GREAT new idea.

-Flex Elixer stood behind Storm and waved a flag. The Brother stood BEHIND the White man and waved a flag as he talked... Hmm... so it goes on in Canada too, eh?

-MIA comes out. Hugh Morrus had a mic and said that from here on out, MIA stands for "Made in America" (Umm... Chavo?)

-AND... Morrus said that this must be a "Tables" match... because the wrestling fans worldwide haven't seen a decent Table match in SO long 

-Morrus said that the "Made in America" member who will be in this match will be none other than... A-Wall!!! (Err, Berlyn's Uberguard?)

-AWOL ran out... with a Mohawk... sweet Jesus.

-Remember that HUGE push they gave the Wall? That SICK, SICK Monster push?

-yeah well, guess what?

-Storm put AWALL through a table, with a little help from the Brother. Storm grabbed Major Gunns and took off. Gunns was screaming for help. They always scream... until you break their nose.

-Pollshock talked to Sting. I may be wrong, I HAVE to be wrong... but I just can NOT remember EVER seeing Nash and Sting go one on one... it's been four years already... LET'S GET IT GOING!!

-Sting sez that chances are, he's going to zip through his Muta match tonight, then run home to watch some "SHOWTIME, FOLKS!!" (ick... that channel, blows!)

-Booker T is lacing his boots. Tony felt that by loudly yelling that Booker was lacing his boots, it would sell him as the "People's Fighting Champ"! Then Tony sniffed that the competion's so-called "People's Champ" used velcro straps to tighten his boots. How DARE he calls himself a champion for the people.

-commercials. "Terminator 2" is coming to DVD... and it's apparently LOADED with cool stuff. If you ever go to Universal Studios in Florida, go through the Terminator 3 show... it is WILD!

-Rick Steiner came out as Tony bragged that WCW will be going to England for a week. I would hope that one of you snotty Brits will think to bring a HYATTE sign, because I AM worldwide, baby!! 

-Rick Steiner got on the mic. He sounds like a kid trapped in a grown up's body.

-Mike Awesome came out. Boy, that "Mullet" gimmick was tossed out quick, wasn't it?

-Awesome dove, hands free, over the top rope and onto Steiner ON THE OUTSIDE!! because he'd look like a damn fool if he did it while Steiner was still in there, watching him.

-Madden said that they shouldn't call the Guard Rail a "Safety Rail". They should call it the "Rail of PAINNN"! Hey Mark, I gave your Mother a FILTHY SANCHEZ!!!!!!!

-What's a "Filthy Sanchez"? Heh heh heh... I'll tell you sometime LATER in this recap.

-Awesome set up a table in the corner. He put Steiner up in a Powerbomb and started to run...

-Jarrett ran out and hit Awesome with a pipe... the pipe bent on impact, then straightened out again. Not even the props will sell anything in this company.

-Awesome lost... just like I said.


-They still use Hogan's face in those "Thunder" commercials... what does THAT tell you?

-Vince Russo came out with Jeff Jarrett in a shirt. Tony announces that Terry Funk will be selling tickets at a Nitro Box Office... the man has this sport in his BLOOD, people!

-I should point out that Jarrett had a REF shirt on... it would be pretty meaningless just to say he came out wearing a plain shirt.

-Kevin Nash came out. Vince Russo joined the Announcers. He announced that this will be a "New York Screwjob"... (so, when do the Cops show up with plungers?)

-Announcing ahead of time that this will end in a screwjob? Hmm... I wonder from which blonde haired tag team he got this idea from?

-Russo said, "Mark... God as my witness, you're gonna see a title change!" (Who is Mark God?)

-Oh, and while I'm thinking of it... if you ever... and I do mean EVER... read some loser Internet Column and at one point, the Author weighs in his all mighty opinion, based on YEARS AND YEARS of sitting at home playing with himself and wondering what it would be like to hang out in the dressing room, and says "mark my words"... you have my permission to write to this doucheface and tell him to go F**K himself. He is an IMBECILE. He doesn't know SHIT!!!

-Steiner came out with a pipe

-Booker T came out. 

-The bell rang and Nash went right after Booker. Jarrett told Steiner to go outside. Tony smelled a miscalculation... but didn't say anything.

-Booker was tossed outside. Jarrett told Steiner to get away from him. Tony wondered what Jarrett was up to.

-Russo left the announce table. Jarrett physically moved him back to his seat. Russo was upset. Madden acted like his Mother just told him he was adopted.

Click Here For Part 2!!!

Mop-Up Nitro (Flashback: 8.28.00) 

By Hyatte

-Is there a wrestling fan alive who thinks that Russo's threat that Jarrett could lose his job at WCW would actually be BAD news for poor Jeff? How can this threat hold any weight when most of the company's big names are simply waiting for their contracts to run out anyway?

-Nash took Booker T's head off with a clothesline. Jarrett helped sew it back on. Russo screamed, "WHAT IS HE DOING?"

-Nash tried to pin Booker. Booker kicked out.

-Nash tried again... Jarrett was busy throwing Steiner out of the arena proper...

-Russo and Jarrett exchange words. Nash gave Jarrett serious "WTF" eyes.

-Russo was screaming that Jarrett was JUDAS!!! Tony and Madden screamed, "THE BAND IS CRUMBLING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!!!"

-Booker rebounds... hits the Scissorkick.

-Booker with what Madden called a "Spinerooni"... (*sigh*... two weeks ago, I said "What Douchebag's (probably lovely and charming) wife inspired this?" Well, I was wrong to say that. Allow me to retract that statement officially. What I SHOULD have said was, "What NON-Douchebag's (probably lovely and charming) wife inspired this?" 

-Booker with the Missile Dropkick.

-Steiner ran in... Booker knocked him out.

-a voice came over the air ways chanting, "check one, check one check one paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead hail satan hail satan", then it was cut out. God Bless this Company... they can't get NOTHING right.

-Booker gave Nash the "Bookend"

-Russo handed Jarrett a guitar. Jarrett hit Booker with it.

-Russo swept the Guitar fragments away. Tony asked why is he bothering?

-Nash woke up and gave Booker a Powerbomb. 

-Nash won it. Madden, "YO SCOTT!! HE DID IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" (fat f**k)

-they hammed up the win.

-One question... exactly WHO were they trying to swerve here? Booker? Us?


-The Announcers get face time. Madden laughed and showed off his yellow teeth. Sign behind him reads, "MARK MADDEN FAN CLUB". I hope the guy holding that sign one day gets Battery Cables attached to his balls.


-I banged your Mom from behind

-I stuck my finger in her "other" place and swirled it around

-I pulled it out and reached forward

-I drew a brown mustache on her face. SHE NEVER EVEN NOTICED!!!!!!!!

-Behold... the Filthy Sanchez!! Like that, Bitch????

-footage of what just happened...

-Backstage, the NW-No were celebrating. 

-Booker T was leaving. Hugh Morrus stopped him. Booker said, "I can't win, it's over".

-Goldberg walked in and said "Nothing is over, nothing. You just don't turn it off. It wasn't my war. You asked me, I didn't ask you!". Then he talked about the time his buddy Johnny stepped on a mine and blew off his legs. 

-Shane Douglas and Torrie Wilson were somewhere in the bleachers. Douglas began lecturing us on how he carried this sport on his back for years and made it what it is... (WOW... he did all that, and STILL managed to be the most boring worker in the sport!)

-He told Billy Kidman that he did a good job at NBR, but he didn't finsish the job. So at Fall Brawl, Douglas challenged Kidman to a "Scaffold Match". 

-Then he said, "That's a fact, that's a fact, that's a fact, Jackasssssssss"... then laughed like a idiot over that barely amusing play on words.

-Crowbar ran out for no reason and attacked Douglas with a garbage can lid.

-Douglas ended up throwing Crowbar out of the Bleachers and right down to a table set up. Tony and Madden screamed that it was a 20 FOOT DROP!!!! HOW CAN ANYONE SURVIVE A 20 FOOT DROP???

-Shane McMahon... last night... did it harder, better, and from a MUCH higher distance...Steve Blackman followed him with an even CRAZIER drop. Why is Russo so STUPID as to invite these comparisons that he goddam well KNOWS he can't win... WHY GODDAMIT WHY???? 

-Oh, and there was some stuff dealing with Daffney and her new boyfriend which I refuse to discuss.

-Douglas was so happy, he grabbed Torrie and hit the ring. 

-He says that he's serving notice to all. HE is what the people tune into Nitro to see. (really? then shouldn't he be fired?) He's the man... he's the... *sigh*

-He was in such a good mood, he challenged ANYONE to come on out and play. ANYONE.

-Goldberg came out. Douglas did what EVERYBODY does in these circumstances... he shook his head wildly and screamed, "NO, NO, I DIDN'T MEAN YOU!!! (if Ralphus came out, his reaction would be the same)

-Goldberg hit the ring and speared Douglas. Blood erupted from his eyebrow... my God, his big head finally exploded. 

-Jackhammer on Douglas.

-Jackhammer on Torrie... (no, a REAL Jackhammer... chick is so full of herself, she needs it to get off)

-GB picked up the mic and told Douglas that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then said, "Hey Russo, guess who's... in the building?" (Did Ringo sneak back in?)

-Goldberg left. Tony assured us that they weren't done. (aw fudge)


-Booker attacked Nash while he was in the shower. Nash's nether regions were blocked, but we saw glimpses of underwear. Booker knocked him out and told him that he'd better watch his back, sucka... 




-right now... for reasons I don't even want to think about... my pecker has shrunk deep into my pelvis and my ass has clenched up so tight it could hold my spare change... something about a black man in a shower...

-my God... why is my mouth watering?

-Russo saw this and freaked to Steiner... Steiner felt that the best way to protect Russo was to be as far away from him as possible. Then he told Russo never to touch him again. Gee, that never worked for ME? 

-We are offically invited.. well, cordially invited to attend the marriage between David Flair and Assface on Nitro. Lord, I hope they hold it after 9:00. 

-Jeff Jarrett came out

-Big Vito came out.

-Big Vito... talk about a name that harks back to the 70's.

-Jarrett won. Who cares about Big Vito?


-another preview for "The Way of the Gun"... how many gay producers has Ryan Phillippe banged in order to get a few roles? BREAK OUT BOB'S MAGIC CALCULATOR!!!

-Mike Awesome popped out of the bed of that pickup truck and slammed Jarrett into it.

-The Natural Born Thrillers came out. See, I LIKE these guys. I don't know why.

-I should point out that Quentin Tarantino takes NO credit for what they are about to say. He wrote a script, but Russo totally re-worked it.

-They didn't say much, in either case. Basically, the challeged the Filthy Animals to a 5 on 5 elimination challenge (Huh? is it November already)

-The Animals came out. Sean Stasiak joined the announcers. Gee, having the mic in his FACE must be a new experience for him?

-After a pretty good match... 8 of the ten players were counted out in a brawl. Only the lead Thriller (who talks like a white guy who learned to speak black from Vanilla Ice) was left with Tygress.

-Tygress slapped him a few times, then punched him. Then gave him the Bronco Buster.

-then, because she is a girl and all girls are phenomenally stupid (it's true, it's true), she turned her back on him.

-He popped right up and gave her a "Three Point O"... which is a NASTY looking neck breaking thingy... 

-I think his name is Mike Sanders... anyway, he won.

-I have no problems with the Natural Born Thrillers... dammit.

-Backstage, Goldberg knocked out Steiner with a pipe... 


-Vince Russo grabbed Big Vito and begged him for assistance. Vito said that he would, then kissed him right on the mouth... with TONGUE!! WOW... he really IS Italian! 

-Tony and Madden said that Vito gave Russo the "Kiss of Death"... Vito has AIDS TOO?? GEEZE!! HE IS ITALIAN!!

-Russo came out with Vito. He grabbed the mic and called out Goldberg. He said that this was HIS arena, HIS show, and HIS people. (but, the non-ratings are NOT his fault)

-Goldberg came out. Wasn't he a heel?

-GB hits the ring. Russo reminded him that if he lays a single hand on Russo, he'll be fired.

-Russo begged GB to hit him... GB wouldn't. Russo told Vito to take GB out.

-Vito hit Russo with his stick and kicked the crap out of him. GB sat back and watched.

-GB got on the stick and said, "Just like this piece of crap said, Vito, take out the garbage." Then tossed him the kews.

-More F-ing face time for the two ugliest men on television... well, okay, Jim Ross is FUGLY enough for both of them... but Jim Ross RULES!!

-They went right back to the action.

-Muta came out.

-Sting came out.

-it's on before Sting could hit the ring. (Sting doesn't have time for that long walk, dammit!)

-They fight around the ring, up the ramp, down the ramp, up the ramp again... I'm not even sure that the bell rang.

-Vampiro showed up on the NitroTron. Smoke shot up from the sides of the entrance way.

-The smoke cleared... Vampiro was still up there. I guess Russo forgot that Vampiro couldn't see Sting in the smoke either... NUMBNUTS!!!

-Vampiro jumped down and hit Sting with a stick... they did one of those "fight as you climb, but really climb and take just a few token swings" things and got Sting up on the NitroTron.

-Sting was stomped on.

-FINALLY... GB had Russo in the desert. Bret Hart was there. How EVER did Bret Hart know where GB would be?

-Bret told Goldberg that Russo has done more to scrrew with him, his family, and his career than anyone else. he even kicked Russo a few times and brought up the Survivor Series in Montreal (Geeze Bret, every train must come to a stop, you know?)

-Bret asked GB if he could help him. GB said okay and gave him a shovel.

-Bret hit GB with the shovel from behind.

-Bret screamed, "You like to end careers Bill? WELL SO DO I???"


-He was cut off, the show ended.

Well it was a rare thing for Nitro. They had a beginning, middle and end.

How many Bret Hart heels turns in WCW does this make? 5? 6?

I guess the "surprise thank you" to all the fans was that Russo was beaten... because EVEN THOUGH RUSSO IS NOT A CHARACTER ON AIR... he knows we all want to see him beaten.

RAW wins. I wonder if Russo REALLY knows how bad the WCW product is? I mean, when you hit rock bottom, you can only go up, but it takes a LOOONG time to start climbing. WCW hit rock bottom a LONG time ago, and not really under Russo's guidence. They are just starting to get ready to climb up a little.

MONSTER closer time...

Okay, so one day, Rick Scaia discussed another Net Awards deal, much like the ScoopThis Best of the Net awards from last year. He offered the link to the "Online Wrestling Enthusiasts Awards" site... which is at I checked it out. Basically, they claim that they are a group of about 45 wrestling writers/fans/webmasters who gather around and talk about the Sport... then they one day decided to do an Awards deal.

Now... I'm a little suspect of all this, mainly because I can't see 45 wrestling writers/fans/webmasters getting together on ANYTHING. It all smells of something hinky. Plus, Scaia pushed it.. and Scaia doesn't push ANYTHING unless he has a direct part in it. Filipo Goodman said that this all smells like friends working to get each other "over". He might be right. Still, I'm nominated... and I'm such a whore for myself (an unfortunate side effect from being the one guy no one admits to reading) that I thought I'd let you in on what they are doing and you can decide for yourself on how up and up they are. I ran down most of the nominees, added my own colorful insights, and basically used the whole thing as an excuse to do what I love the most... RIP ON SOME DOUCHEBAGS!!!

So, the OWEN (cute) award nominees are: 


1) ( 

Why don't you give it to Like all those polls? How about those ad banners? Ryder spends half his column bitching about other columnists... shit, so does Scherer. Oh, and you gotta love how Dave shoves all the "other" writers down WAAAAAY at the bottom of the page and even in small print. Just a reminder to all as to just who is the Boss around that site. The funny part is.. they actually used to CHARGE US for entry.

2) Wrestleline (

Oh PLEASE... Why don't you just give it to Rantsylvania? Samuda shows up maybe three times over two weeks IF we are lucky. Nobody goes there to drool over Scaia's wit. You can get Zimmerman's recaps on his OWN site. Bill Apter hasn't been clued in that the net knows that wrestling is fake. Bottom line, NO site that uses the word "frickin" as a curse should get awarded.

3) Lords of Pain (


4) Professional Wrestling Online Museum (

The first site I ever bookmarked. I haven't been there in a while, but they had EVERYTHING. Site links, title histories, real names, schools. It's a HUGE site... LOTS of stuff to do.

5) Pro Wrestling Torch (

Everyone goes there for the news. Unfortunately, these guys also think they are funny. OH... read a few of their parodies or "humorous articles"... you'll gain a newfound respect for the Mop-Up.


HA!! Since I left? No F-ing WAY!!! Let's face it... there is no organization. When I was there, the Written Word Writers had their own spotlight. Now they are all lumped in with news flashes and "exclusive" interviews. You have to do some hard searching to find the writers there... something I would have NEVER allowed. Oh, and Remy sucks. So does Shannon Rose.

7) Pro Wrestling Daily (

I went over there, and my friggin' PC damn near froze up. I'm on a Modem, so it took 5 minutes to upload... then my speakers rumbled with this high bass beat made me dive for the mute button. I HATE music on a site. I guess it's a good site for people with a T1 connection, but alas, it is not in my best interest to have a Cable guy in my house right at the moment (read between the lines, nitwit)

WINNER: The Museum site



GOD BLESS THE RED STRIPE!!! I REMEMBER THE RED STRIPE!! I CARE!!!! Unfortunately, there ain't no red stripe no more.

2) Pro Wrestling Daily

I don't care if the graphics give you acid flashbacks... my Modem connection almost exploded.

3) Wrestleline

Well, the pix they put up sometimes actually go along with what the writer is talking about, a trick Scoops never mastered. Everything's there and easy to get to. The site DOES look good and it's very user friendly. Too bad Scaia's on it.

4) Wrestling Observer (

I don't know, I don't care.

5) The LAW (

Same as above... it's a radio show, right? 

6) Wrestlefan (

I'm much too important to go sniffing around unknown sites like these

7) Wrestling Incorporated (

Just give me the F-ing news and columns... I don't care about these spiffy graphics.

Winner: Up for grabs... just not any site that uses a blue tinged backdrop.


1) iwrestling (

2) Pro Wrestling Daily

3) Lords of Pain

4) Live Wire Wrestling (

5) Internet Wrestling Zone (

6) 411 wrestling (you're on the site, numbnuts)

7) Wrestlling Dot Com (

The problem here is that the only way to really judge this is to rate them on speediness... and on how much Bullshit they post. Plus, there's the fact that I wrote this on Sunday, and not much news broke out. All I can say for sure is that 411's message board posts LITTLE bullshit and CONSTANT news breaks. They have a pretty good system here... and they have me. Give it to 411. If not, give it to IWZ, because they used to have a chat room there where I once passed a lot of time in and verbally berated everyone to near tears. Then I had my audience take it over one afternoon and everyone freaked. I miss that chat room.


I have no F-ing clue... NOR do I care. I hate E-Feds... E-feds are for LOSERS. Get a LIFE, wannabes!

Besides, every time I clicked to it, all I got was a banner. So F*ck the E-fed catagory. Just don't vote for Cyberslam on Scoops... if it's nominated... because it's under Remy's control... and Remy has no clue about ANYTHING.

Winner: There are no winners in the E-Fed game... everyone's a loser.


1) Wrestleline

WHAT? How do you explain THIS?

2) 4wrestling (

Home of every ex-411 writer out there... or every guy who 411 rejected (Ashish and Widro rejected someone? Get OUT!!)

3) Wrestlecrap (

Love the name. But that's about it.

4) Pro Wrestling Torch

They report the news... how original can they be? Unless you want to give it for their comedy attempts... God, please don't.

5) ScoopThis (

The only problem here is that Trey once asked "Since when is this a wrestling site?" Other than that... they had 7 months with ME on the site... and whether you like me or not, NO ONE is as original as I am. It's why I'm so ripped off. But, STc WAS original... they had KILLER stuff there and they knew how to piss off the right people with their ballsy material. It would be a fine send off to give it to them.

6) Solies Vintage Wrestling (

Oh I'm sure it was wonderful.

7) Scoops

Well, Al DID make up the news sometimes.

Winner: Give ScoopThis a thank you for three years (give or take) of working their asses off. 


I have no idea... all I got was a dead link. Screw it. It's a lame category anyway. Like those tech awards Oscar bores us with midway through the show. Hey, if Wrestleline's nominated, give it to THEM!! I'm LOVE to watch Scaia's head swell during his lame acceptance speech for this one douchey award.


1) VC Wrestling (

Arrgh... didn't we take care of the damn VC in 'nam?

2) Wrestling Guide (

3) Rajah WWF (

4) The Great Hisa Puroresu Dojo (

5) Backyard Wrestling Federation (

6) Solies Vintage Wrestling

7) The Millennium Wrestling Deathpool (

The winner... Give it to Solie's site... because he DEFINES the word "underground" now. They don't get much more underground then ol' Gordo, dudes.


1) Dave Scherer (

And if you don't believe that, just ask HIM. Of course, he's at his best when he's "reporting" on how everyone else takes his news and puts it on their site. And how can he be a REAL reporter when he claims to have never read me? Which is a LIE!! Reporters aren't ALLOWED to lie.

2) Zach Arnold (Wrestling Observer)


3) Bruce Mitchell (Pro Wrestling Torch)

He does those comedy bits. If that's a qualification, then Dave Gagnon should be nominated.

4) Wade Keller (Pro Wrestling Torch)

Eh... why not. People in the business seem to HATE him... including Bischoff AND Ryder. Sounds like a winner to me.

5) Bob Ryder (

Are you serious?

6) Dave Meltzer (Wrestling Observer)

He is MUCH too important to be in this silly ass award category. He doesn't deserve it... he doesn't care about the Net.

7) Al Isaacs (SCOOPS)

A true dark horse. You know... Al does what he does withOUT help from any other web idiot. He NEVER goes surfing. He NEVER uses any source other than his own personal people. Sometimes they F-him. Poor Al hasn't really "broken" any news in YEARS... and his reports usually come in the day after everyone else covers it. Plus, who goes to SCOOPS anymore, anyway? I say GIVE IT TO HIM!! Because he is a nice guy.

Winner: Either Isaacs or Keller. Come onnn... vote for Al. It'll piss off EVERYONE. It's always a treat watching these Web pricks get all huffy that they didn't win.

How come Samuda wasn't up for anything? 


1) Wade Keller 

News guy. A Columnist presents a story and a viewpoint in an entertaining light. The goal is to make the reader think. Does Keller qualify? Of course not... stupid.

2) Chris Hyatte

Of course I should win. Not for the Mop-Up. F-the Mop-Up. Give it to me because of "And Another Thing". Hell, based on the WILD 360 degree turn I do between both columns, I should get a F-ing medal. There is NO other column like AAT... best damn column on the net and everyone knows it. They just can't admit it because it KILLS THEM!!! Besides, I'm the only writer with the BALLS to leave the all mighty SCOOPS and score on two "less popular" sites. I represent what the net SHOULD be. Uncensored writing which is also smart.

3) Rick Scaia

WHAT?????? WHAT??? ARE YOU ON HEROIN???? RICK SCAIA REPRESENTS EVERYTHING WRONG ABOUT THE NET!!!! He doesn't report the news, he comments on it... and his attitude is so bloated and stuffy, that even if he doesn't mean to, he acts SO F-ING holier than thou... it's sickening. He's an "insider", and you're not... he knows and you don't. Oh, and the utter EGO that he displays each week with that "Ask the Rick" mess... don't award him... THROW HIM OFF THE NET!!!

4) CRZ

If the category was "Best Recapper"... Hell, I'd chisel his name in the award myself. The sumbitch recaps EVERYTHING... in painful detail. Too bad that this is NOT a Best Recapper column... this is Best Columnist... and except for the occasional diatribe on WCW's stupidity, he doesn't do much opinionating. 

5) Bryan Alverez (Observer)

F-Him. This award belongs to ME

6) Sam Jerry (Rounding the Squared Circle

I'm sure he's wonderful... but F-Him. This award belongs to ME!!

7) Sushi X (Internet Wrestling Zone)

He still around? If this award was for "Best Tagline", then his "Diamonds are Forever and So Is Sushi X" would JUST BARELY lose to "This is Hyatte". Alas, this is NOT "Best Tagline"... this is Best Columnist... and the award belongs to ME!!

That's it. I'm sure I won't win... but it doesn't really matter. The STc Awards had EVERYONE'S attention. THIS one had a talk up by Scaia three weeks ago, Filipo Goodman claiming that it was a big scam, and this little promo from me. STc's awards had a certain coolness to it.

Of course, if I DO win... eh... I'll enjoy it for a while, and use it as a constant reminder to the readers of just how awesome I really am... but that'll be it. I DO promise not to make some ridiculous speech thanking anyone. I'll thank the ONE guy who made this possible... ME GODDAMIT!!!

The winners will be "announced" on Sept. 4th, according to them.

Still. I thank them for giving me a good closer to do. I LOVE crapping on other web guys, and the readers love it too. The fun part was seeing who DIDN'T get nominated. Maybe making constant statements about how you hate wrestling and only do a column because you get paid is NOT the way to present yourself? Maybe?

Now, if the Web Dicks REALLY wanted to get back at me... they'd all band together and totally rag my ass if/when I lose to someone. It's a damn shame that they are all too full of themselves to even CONSIDER joining up. Besides, my will is so strong, I'd stomp them all into the ground.

OOph... even I get tired of my own hyperbole. Ugh, I'm such a cocky a-hole. I'm also an a-holy cock... come to think of it.

Who the Hell is Filipo Goodman?

Next week... lots and lots of the same. Don't forget to send in those "Ask The Prick" questions. 

And if you're VERY VERY good... I might just have another Carnac lined up.

Watch "OZ" goddamyou

Oh, and NEVER call a 17 year old girl "Chunky Ass"... wait until she hits her late 20s and starts getting desperate for a mate. Then you can call her anything you F-ing want. Heh.

You will all spread your cheeks for me.

This is Hyatte

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