Mop-Up RAW (Flashback: 8.28.00)
Hello. I am Chris and this is Mop-Up. I welcome you inside. Inside the two major shows in pro wrestling, but more importantly, I welcome you inside my mind... where shadows are alive... where perversions roam freely... where... where...
We have some opening notes... two of which are plugs of myself. We got a LOT of opening notes, in fact. That's what happens when I take an extra week off.
Off the bat, I'd like to inform you that this week's "And Another Thing" is a sequel to last week's "The Road". This time, as the first part dealt with one wrestler leaving before he was ready, this part deals with a young wrestler's very first wrestling match... and how he starts to realize that the journey to greatness will be a lot harder than he ever dreamed. I tried to capture both the "magic" of the business, and touch upon the seemy underside One note... for some ungodly reason, I referred to the WWF's home base as "Stamford", and not "Stanford". Don't know why. maybe because I was tired. Anyway, read it... it's a fine piece of writing. It's longish, but screw you... I make no apologies for the length of my pieces. If you want a 100 line crapfest titled, "WCW Sucks and Here's Why"... there are a million pieces of shit writers who'll give you all you could ask for. I work to give you ungrateful dickheads something of SUBSTANCE.
Well at least ONE person enjoyed it... Travis Zandi writes: "The sequel to 'The Road' has to be the greatest column I've ever read online. You crafted a brilliant summary of this young man's life and the dialogue near the end with Tony and the Road was sheer genius."
Thank you. This piece is the second part of a planned Trilogy... with the final "Road" column dealing with the Road from a Superstar's POV. It will be QUITE a while before I hit that one, so don't hold your breath.
Second up... next week, I am going to do a closer called "Ask the Prick"... yes, it's EXACTLY what you think. What I'd like from you is to ask "The Prick" something... anything you want. Get it to me before the weekend. I'll use your name, but if you ask me not to.... no prob. 'Nuff said.
Third up... Summerslam was almost the Perfect Pay Per View. It really had EVERYTHING you could ask for. Insane bumps, outstanding ring work, unpredictable finishes, half naked chicks doing soft core porn, and great plotting. For me, the two biggest stand-outs were the Tazz/Lawler/Ross match, which is the type of angle that Russo SHOULD be writing. The shot of Lawler standing on top of the table, arms raised, big smile... as his music played and the fans gave him a standing ovation gave me chills up my spine. The second standout was the Undertaker/Kane match. Everyone said that this feud was played out. I say different. UT works best against a foe who knows how to sell moves, and Kane is HIGHLY underrated in that department. The match was a brawl, but it was a RIVETING brawl.
The only downside I see to the card was the main event eventually turned into another Rock/HHH match. I understand that Angle was knocked out for real on the table bump, but I also understand that he was scheduled to be rolled out on a stretcher anyway. I just would have liked to see more three way dancing instead of two men taking turns against each other.
To date, I have NEVER seen a WCW PPV as good as this. NEVER. That's a shame.
Fourth up... Hogan got a lawyer and filed a lawsuit about how Vince Russo called him names on the PPV... something that I TWICE stated WOULD have happened if this thing was a "shoot".
So, it happened. Does this mean that it really WAS a "shoot" and me screaming that it wasn't make me look like a moron? Nope... because of something I said TWO weeks ago in the Nitro recap:
"the MOST I'm willing to cede is that there is a REMOTE POSSIBILITY this STARTED OUT as a work... but slowly backed itself into a shootish aspect... due to tempers, ego, and the fact that this wasn't very well thought-out. MAYBE... doubtful, but MAYBE."
So I'm covered... eat me.
I still think this is all a work, though.
Finally, when will HBO or Tom Fontana or SOMEBODY realize that it's just not fair to ONLY give us EIGHT F-ING EPISODES of "Oz" a YEAR???? We need MORE... SO MUCH MORE... at LEAST give us 12 episodes. Come on, it's the best damn show on TV... EVER.
Really, usually each year they have at least one sucky storyline... be it Adabese discovering his African roots, or that old guy in solitary who only speaks in "babble" but knew who killed the Nun's Husband... but this year, EVERY storyline is killer... Beecher has gone full blown gay on us (I squirmed when he took off his shirt and started kissing that black guy with cornrolls), Shillenger is the most evil man ever written for the small screen, Ryan O'Reilly is the slickest dude you've ever met, and this new Prison Chief... Quarms... what the F**K IS HE UP TO?
The big "OZ" storyline is how the "Emerald City" has turned all black thanks to Adebese's manipulation. The joke of the story is that Adabese has gone through all this work, and his so proud of the new world he created... but it's still a prison. It doesn't change his sentence one bit. The beauty of the show is that it shows you how petty all this really is while making it seem so important.
Oh man... this show is so good.. I watch each episode three times during the week... and I TAPE it. Oz rules... give it 4 MORE EPISODES A YEAR... IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK???
Anyway... this week's Closer is about the Online Wrestling Enthusiasts Awards. Never heard of it? Well, it's picking up where ScoopThis' "Best of the Net" left off last year. No one is talking about it much, so I figured I'd run it down for you to see what the deal is. Oh, I rip some asses up and go on a TOTAL Ego trip... it gets sickening... even to ME.
Finally (for real), Murtz Jaffer asked me to remind none of you that HE had Rudy picked as the ultimate "Survivor"... and he had him picked a LOOONG time ago. So there you go. I had either Rudy or Richard picked... while my little 17 year old love slave Amanda had the black guy. We bet on who would win. If she won, I'd have to call her. If I won, she'd have to have her menstrual cycle without any pads and send me her bloody underwear. She lost. I am typing this week's column wearing her messy underwear on my head. Nothing like the clean smell of teenage menses... smells a lot like Spring Lilacs.
*I* would like to announce that I thought it over... and decided that I AM going to try out for the THIRD "Survivor" show... which, presumably, is scheduled for either next Summer of Fall. I can be as manipulative and as crafty as the next person.
So... that's our openers for the week. As usual, I started out with only a few, but as I wrote, NEW stuff kept popping up. Ah well, it's not like you have anything better to do.
I guess we should get going...
RAW IS WAR (or: When will WCW come up with "The People's Fighting Monster"?)
-NOTE: I missed the first few minutes of the show for personal reasons... my Dog was run over in the street and was mashed. My poor dog... who never hurt anyone... the only friend I really have. Now he's gone. He died, whimpering in the street. Alone.
-okay... I'm sorry. I know you don't care. All you want are your crappy little homo jokes and stupid little wise ass remarks. You don't care about me or my pain. Screw you Hyatte, just make us laugh. Fine. I will. PATTERSON IS A FAG!!! HAHAHAH HOHOHO HEE HEE HEE.. like that? Happy now? My F-ing DOG IS DEAD AND ALL YOU WANT IS STUPID BAD JOKES. I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!!! YOU CAN ALL DIE!!! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!
-anyway... I'm LATE... deal with it.
-I come in just as the fireworks go off. It's Vietnam all over again. Ollie Stone has just purchased the rights to this opening theme. Tommy Lee Jones will star as the pyro guy. Expect lots of cross cuts. Oh I'm rolling now.. funny funny funny...
-my poor dog... he was all I had. F-the girlfriend. She never licked my fa.. well, she did.
-Unconditional love... my dog loved me unconditionally. Some A-Hole took my friend away from me... but you want a column... HEAVEN F-ING FORBID I MISS A COLUMN.
-The suckiest part is... the one person who could make me feel better lives 2000 miles away, somewhere in Florida. NO, NOT MICASA... GEEKS!!!
-Where are they? Greensboro, North Carolina... Flair country. Yippee skippy...
-How can those fans be so excited? DON'T THEY KNOW MY DOG JUST DIED????
-WWF New York is LIVE and SMOKING!!! I bet a New Yorker ran over my Dog... F-ing scumsucker
-Chris Jericho came out. He still has the kick assiest entrance going.
-I am allowed to say "assiest"... you callous dildos have no clue as to the pain I am in right now.
-We see that Benoit ended up winning the match last night. GOOD... Jericho is having too good a life right now... he deserves a few losses. I don't, yet God keeps throwing them at me... one after the other. F-God. God sucks.
-The Acolytes came out. It's about to be a 6 man brawl.
-I guess Foley did some pre-show bit that I missed while I was scraping my DOG OFF THE ROAD!!! It should be a law of nature... no pet should have to die without their owner there to comfort them.
-T & A came out. Trish Stratus was with them. JR welcomed us to the late night fiesta... and muttered that a certain judge had better shake his ass on this decision because NO network that delays their NUMBER ONE SHOW ON CABLE for two hours so we can watch a bunch of smelly foreigners hit tennis balls DESERVES to have RAW.
-Yeah, and that DOG Show too... what is USA thinking?
-Of course, the US Open IS the "Dog Show"... have you SEEN some of those chicks?
-Dog Show... Dog... my Dog is dead... damn
-okay, Anna Kournikova is NOT a dog... but she ain't much of a tennis player either.
-Chris Benoit comes out. Jericho charges out and starts swinging. They fight their way into the ring. Things get settled.
-Jericho is TUNING on Benoit. Benjy used his head and tagged in Test... with his hand... not his head, I meant he used his SMARTS and tagged in Test. Did you hear that my Dog died?
-Faarooq was tagged in... to a pretty big pop.
-Bradshaw was tagged in.
-Test was tuned up some. I promise, this is the last time I use the word "tune" in ANY tense during this RAW recap.
-Bradshaw was working Test over in the corner (SEE!!!). We hear someone scream loudly.
-GET OUT OF THE WAY BRADSHAW, YOU IDIOT!!!
-Too late, Albert crashed into him. I wonder if that F-Face driver blew his horn before crashing into my Dog? Probably not! I am going to hunt him down and strangle him with his wife's clitoris.
-Albert threw Bradshaw into Test's foot. Now THAT'S a killer move.
-Benoit was in and mauled Bradshaw like a RABID WOLVERINE!!!!! The irony being, that's his nickname!!
-Either the Bass on my TV went haywire or Faarooq started yelling at Bradshaw to get his ass over to their corner.
-Jericho was tagged and gave Albert a Bulldog.
-The Acolytes fought Test and Benoit outside. Albert gave Jericho a TKO (I remember Marc Mero... And I care. No I don't.)
-Trish came up to the apron. Albert hoisted Jericho up in a Gorilla Slam. Bradshaw ran in and flattened Albert RIGHT in the face with his boot. (flattened... god damn it. My poor doggie)
-Albert crashed. Jericho did his springboard Lunar Eclipse... and pinned him. It was a thrilling win. I wish I could have enjoyed it. Dead pets tend to put a damper on everything.
-Backstage, a worrisome HHH is looking for any Limo that might have his wife in it. X-Pac came up to him and asked if Hunter has seen a White Duck wearing a kilt running around looking for a bottle of White Vinegar and a tube of Crest. HHH took one look at X-Pac and said, "Sean, you have GOT to cut back on the Crystal Meth, bro."
-HHH confided that he thinks Stephanie might be mad at him for knocking her out and all. X-Pac said not to worry., the last time he saw Stephanie, she was "in good hands"... then he started to giggle like a fool (geeze, maybe I wasn't joking?). HHH told him to take off.
-commercials. SS encore spot. I tell you, even the video set-up packages for SS were on fire. Almost EVERYTHING about the show worked.
-HOW FREDDIE BLASSIE IS STILL ALIVE YET MY DOG IS GONE IS A FRIGGIN' MYSTERY!!!!!!
-The only thing missing from this Encore spot was that AWESOME shot of Lawler with his arm raised... it was simply a beautiful shot.
-Oh my God... of all the 80's crap flick to show... Cinemax is currently replaying the first "HARDBODIES"... MAN... how funny is that? After I did a little referencing to that movie a few columns ago.
-A Waitress starts banging a fat old guy in the Limo... he keeps chanting, "Climb the mountain, climb the mountain"... folks, that NEVER happens in real life... unless you're filthy rich. Chris Farley would still be alive today if stuff like that happened. He'd have AIDS, but he'd be alive.
-My dog is NOT alive anymore.
-What? AM I TALKING ABOUT IT TOO MUCH??? AM I PUTTING A DAMPER ON YOUR GOOD TIME???? THINK I CARE??? GO AWAY THEN!! LEAVE!!! VAMOOSE!!! readthenitrorecapandthecloserfirstbutthen TAKE A WALK!!!!!
-Road Dogg caught up with HHH and he TOO asked if HHH saw a White Duck wearing a kilt running around looking for a bottle of White Vinegar and a tube of Crest. HHH stared at him and said, "Is this one of those Twilight Zones where everyone goes nuts except me?"
-HHH hears Angles music and starts to jog.
-Kurt Angle comes to the ring. Remember how the WWF took, like almost a YEAR before putting tis guy on camera? That's the type of patience WCW should employ.
-Watch, by this time next year, the Big Show will be bigger than the Rock... and everyone will be in awe of Vince's genius. Mark my words on that! (let's see who out there reads the columns all the way through, and who just blows off the Nitro recap)
-Angle hits the ring and says that at SS, OUR Olympic hero suffered a horrible, horrible concussion (What? Did Greg Louganus' "life mate" bang his head against the headboard too hard?). So even though SS might have been his greatest night ever, he can't remember a single thing about it.
-Thus, his Grandchildren will NEVER be able to hear about his thrilling Summerslam night, because he doesn't remember it. (Although, he DOES have a vague image of a topless pat Patterson pulling pants back on with a cigarette in his mouth... Ladies and gentlemen, you uncaring, unfeeling, greedy little monsters, that was your ONE Patterson joke of the night!! Thank you and go drive into a tree!)
-What Angle does know is that he showed up in the ring and tried his best to fight for the title.
-He also knows that Hunter hit Stephanie and got his butt kicked by the Rock.
-He ALSO knows that he took Stephanie safely away and took her to a Medical Center. (I'm sure they played "Doctor"... heh heh heh... ho ho ho... hee hee hee.. ha hahaaaoh my poor dog)
-He said that HHH was a "shady character" (yes, that nose sure does block the sun quite nicely)
-He said that HHH hitting Stephanie is not only "beyond deplorable... it's borderline criminal!" (oh PLEASE!!! OJ did much worse than that and he's living the LIFE!)
-Angle says that this kind of action may be acceptable in other countries (damn Canadians), and in backwards states like North Carolina.. (crowd booed... except for one hick who yelled, "YEEEEHAAAAW")
-Angle doesn't think much of HHH the wrestler... he doesn't think much of HHH the person.. but DAMN... HHH makes one LOUSY Husband... and THAT is true... it's true.
-HHH must have taken the scenic route, because he FINALLY showed up.
-HHH entered the ring and stared at HHH. Ross said, "Look at the look Triple H is giving ANGLE??" (please... it's the same damn look he ALWAYS has)
-HHH grabbed the mic and said "MY DOG'S DEAD!!! MY F-ING DOG IS DEAD!!!"
-oh, sorry, that's what I said almost an hour ago
-Yeah, sometimes I actually say "effing" out loud... any problem with that?
-Hunter wanted to get a "few things straight"... (well, fiddle with it a little... the blood will flow and it'll straighten right up)
-HHH said that Kurt did not get a concussion... Hunter "gave his ass a concussion!"
-HHH wanted to know one thing and one thing only... where is his wife? (heh... after a few more years, he'll be adding, "and can you keep her there a few weeks?")
-HHH said that if Angle does NOT tell him where Stephy is... he'll do more borderline criminal activites on his ass.
-Angle got on the mic said that he's clueless as to where she is.
-Am a crazy or is Angle a little crosseyed?
-HHH was on the stick and said that Angle excels at playing the "ignorant jackass". Hunter assured him that NOBODY plays the "ignorant jackass better than Angle"... (WHAT??? excuse me, but let me quote Vincent K. McMahon... "Steroids? Not in the WWF, pal!" Sorry, but Vince is STILL the H.I.J.I.C)
-For those of you who never saw "Lean On Me"... and don't get the reference, I'll sneak it in later in the column...
-HHH doesn't believe Angle... and knows that he isn't that dumb. yes, HHH admits to being a "shady character", in fact... he's the King of the Underhanded!! (so, he's the "Dirtiest Player in the Game"? Heh, we always SUSPECTED that Hunter was positioning himself as the "Flair for the Millennium"... now we are certain)
-HHH wnats to know where his wife is and wants to know NOW... or asses will be beaten.
-Angle said, "Before you beat my... "ass"... he'd like to remind Hunter that his an Olympic Gold Medalist"
-Hunter, "Whoop Dee Doo"... which is what I am SURE you scum buckets said to your computer after reading that my DOG HAS BEEN RUN OVER LIKE AN ANIMAL!!!! Well, okay, he WAS an animal... BUT HE WAS MY ANIMAL DAMMIT!!! MINE!!! HAVE YOU NO HEART??? HAVE YOU NO SOUL???
-Angle assures HHH that he speaks the truth 24/7... that's the way he is.
-Maybe, Stephanie hasn't contacted him because she's SCARED!!! (God Bless the Tube Snake)
-Or maybe she won't contact him because she doesn't trust him?
-Or maybe... juuust maybe... she won';t contact him because... like all girls... she used him like a TAMPON THEN THREW HIM AWAY BLOODY AND BROKEN AND USELESS??? ISN'T THAT THE CHICK CODE??? ISN'T THAT WHAT THEY ALL DO??? EVERY GODDAM LAST GODDAM ONE OF THEM!!!! THINK ANY BITCH WILL CALL ME AND SAY "I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR DOG??? DO YOU??? DO YOU??????
-HHH lost it and shoved him. For the second time in a week, Angle had to RUN across the ring and DIVE out of the ring.
-HHH ripped off his shirt. NOW it's a shoot.
-WWF Refs and Sgt. Slaughter ran out. The athletes were broken up.
-Backstage... Chyna and Eddie Guerrero watched all this. Chyna felt bad for HHH. Eddie said, "Don' feel bad for Treble Aitch, Mamasita!! Feel sorry for ME! Tengo un chica with a nueve month periodo NADA!!!" (Yeah? Well who will feel sorry for ME!!!!! My Dog's dead and Casey Kasem isn't dedicating ANY up-tempo song to him!!!!)
-Eddie and Chyna established that she'll be fighting Val Venis for the IC title. Ross established that this match will be NEXT!!
-Chia-yna came out with Uh-die. She had the brightest smile you ever saw... I'm sure the bastard that scrambled my dog all over the road had the same smile on his OR her face... I'd like to meet him OR her one day... then they will know pain... oh yes, they will know.
-Chyna is the IC title holder. she won it the other night. I assume you knew this.
-Val Venis came out. I'm sorry, but without the porn star gimmick, Val is bland. This "Ultra-Serious" Worker is NOT flying...
-We are told that Val was SO STEAMED at Trish Stratus for losing the title for him... he ordered her to stay in the baxk.
-Vak went right ti wirj ib XCgyt... I'm sorry, I have tears in my eye... my Chihuahua is gone... his name is Chico... WAS Chico
-Val went right to work on Chyna. That's what I MEANT to write.
-Trish came out and stayed at the entrance way.
-Ross reminded us that this 11 pm bullcrap will continue into next week too. Then giggled at the fact that without ol' RAW, "Nash Bridges" may not enjoy the syndicated success it currently has.
-This was mostly Val... but he did allow Chyna to hit her Muta-style handspring zoomy... (which I seriously doubt Muta can pull off anymore... Muta looks to be enjoying the saki a bit too much)
-Eddie distracted the ref and Chyna grabbed Val by the Valbowski and bounced him up and down. Lawler, proving once again that he is in NO danger of being overshadowed by Madden, "She had a hand full of... Venis! I did say Venis, didn't I?" (Madden would have said, "CROTCH GRAB, CROTCH GRAB, CROTCH GRAB")
-Val slips outside and gets into it with Eddie. Then he's back on Chyna.
-Val hits a spine buster and goes for the Money Shot... now called something else. My damn dog died... give me a break.
-Instead of hitting his move... he sees Trish and starts walking to her. Eddie is involved again. They fight... Val is rolled back into the ring. Chyna rolls him up and wins. Val is so mad, he stalks after Trish in a rage. Someone should choppee choppee his pee pee, pee pee... he ain't using it anymore.
-Miquel Cole has cornered Kurt Angle and has asked the TOUGH questions!!! "You don't remember ANYTHING about last night? Bitch, PLEASE!!"
-Kurt seems to have remembered something about him, Stephanie, a Hotel Lobby, and Room 814 (Hey, I remember when I ate four teens!!! I had them chicks SQUEALING!!!)
-HAW HAW HAW!! Kinda enjoyed that one myself.
-You see that Priceline.com commercial with Shatner talking to the piano player with the flamboyant candles? Something ain't sitting right with that spot. I think Captain Kirk might have some... issues.
Click Here For Part 2!!!
-Elliot and Hermie Sadler are at ringside. "Hermie"... you think that they would have been nice and called him "Herman" or something... just for tonight.
-The Right to Censor came to the ring. Ross said that Richards was crazy enough to challenge Rikishi to a one on one match tonight. I just want to know how long will it be before they drop this and make him Raven's bitch again?
Stevie got on the mic and said that last night, they won for morality and decency! They FOUGHT the good fight for all of US! Yet, we still boo them. Lawler said, "Yeah!" Ross shouted, "You're damn RIGHT!!! Son of a BITCH!!!"
-Stevie says that our forefathers did NOT intend to have our "Freedom of Expression" taken to such LENGTHS!! (Ross, "Now HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT???" Jimmy, come on... back in those days, Women had nine layers of clothing on in the BATHTUB)
-Might *I* point out that our forefathers also thought that Black People were less then Human
-Stevie said that Rikishi's big ass (column) is UNACCEPTABLE... violence is UNACCEPTABLE... and, most importantly, scantily clad women are UNACCEPTABLE!! To which Lawler piped in, "See, now that's where he's gone too far!!!". Whereas Madden would agree with EVERYTHING eagerly... then ONE COMMERCIAL LATER would be screaming, "Snootchie Bootchies!!!" That is why Madden DESERVES TO BLOW A STARVING TIGER'S PECKER!!!!
-Stevie had more to say, I'd just like to point out that they have made this character slightly demented... last week, when Foley told them about their SS match, Stevie stood there with SUCH a demented smile... it was actually creepy.
-Rikishi came out, complete with Ho's and Too Cool.
-Richard's friggin monolou... mono... speech lasted longer than this non-match... which turned into a brawl almost before I finished typing this sentence.
-Richards snuck out of there and took off. The Rikishi troop danced... every week, they have to build on last week's performance... I can practically hear Vince McMahon scream, "The WWF... Bigger... Better... BAAADEEEERRRRRRRR"
-Chyna and HHH were talking. I don't know, are they STILL a real life couple? Did they break up as friends? Or atre they doing this through gritted teeth to hide their hatred? I know I am... I can barely think... I am sobbing like a baby. Chico... poor, poor Chico.
-Chyna first talked about her relationship with Eddie, built on love AND support (crock of POOP!!)
-Chyna, "Hunter, did you hide my estrogen? Eddie's getting horny and... well... my thing is peeking out again."
-Hunter says, "Sorry babe, I'm fresh out."
-Hunter, "Frisk me if you want"
-Eddie, "Aye Carumba??? Que Ho de TE????"
-Eddie shoves HHH and yanks Chyna away. HHH, "Has everyone in this place gone CRAZY???"
-footage of what just "pasa-ed"
-Edge and Christian limp out... all banged and bruised. Ross reminds us that their TLC match last night blew everything else he's ever seen in his life away (Umm... Jim? Windham... Dr Death... Starrcade... Western States Heritage title... Williams takes one in the jimmies... spends 20 minutes recovering... Barry takes a header... Williams rolls him up for the win... how DARE you compare.)
-They both have mics. Christian said that normally, they would be doing their little "shtick", but after the sheer brutality of last night... they can't do that tonight.
-Edge spoke up and addressed both teams... saying that they don't normally see eye to eye, but after last night... they have more respect for them then they can possibly imagine!
-So, even though the D-Vons aren't there tonight, the Hardys are... so let's give it up for North Carolina's own... the Hardy Boys!!
-Two Midgets came out... Ross was classic, "Gotta hand it to Edge and Christian for showing a little class and... well class my... that's not Matt... Good God Almighty!"
-They were carrying mini-ladders. Ross said maybe someone put the boys in a dryer?
-a-hem... this is for you WCW Fans out there...
-Didn't they run this EXACT SAME BIT... the week after the SURVIVOR SERIES in MONTREAL??? AND WHO WROTE THAT BIT???? A CERTAIN NEW YAWKER WITH A FLAIR FOR ATTITUDE DRIVEN SCRIPTING???? WHASSAMATTER VINNIE MAC??? STILL NEEDING GHOSTS OF THE PAST FOR A CRUTCH???
-The Midgets entered the ring. Christian said that the greatness of the match had NOTHING to do with either the Dudleys OR the Hardys. E & C could have been in there with the Bushwhackers... or even Techno Team 2000 and would have STILL scored! (Yeah, but could they have made soemthing happen against... say... GREG VALENTINE AND THE HONKEY TONK MAN???? I THINK NOT!!!)
-Christian had more to say, but was cut off by...
-The Dudley's theme music. Ross, "WAIT A SECOND!!! THE DUDLEYS ARE NOT IN WWF NEW YORK!! THE DUDLEYS ARE RIGHT HERE IN..."
-Two MORE midgets came out. Ross screamed, "D'OH!"
-These kids had little tables with them.
-Are you SURE that's a midget playing D-Von? I think it's really Flex Elixer!
-I just called a midget "it"... I am such a dick
-My dog died... I have the RIGHT to be a dick.
-Edge was back on the horn and said that instead of doing the time honored tradition (Why Matt, Jeff, Buh Buh, and D-Von? Why?) of shaking their opponents hand after a grueling match, they will do the OTHER "THT" (WMJBB&DV;?W?) and mock their inferior opponents!
-Mini-Buh Buh said, "WHASSUUUUP"
-Flex said, "TESTIFY"
-Christain asked the Mini-Hardys what THEY thought... the midgets pulled back. Christain said, "Oh, that's right. the Real Hardys don't get to speak, so why should you?" (now THAT'S funny)
-E & C set up their 37 second TLC Victory pose!... then got to it. It was them holding up their belts as the midgets jumped at them.
-at the 5 second mark, the Hardys ran out and cleaned up. The took off their shirts... the girls screamed, as did quite a few guys (homos). I wonder if Chico screamed when he was hit? Why... oh why?
-Matt and Jeff grabbed two REAL ladders and climbed them... E & C bailed out. M & J jumped down. Matt appeared to crank out his ankle, again. Kid's gonna hurt himself one day... said the washed up recapper in a pathetic display of stating the obvious.
-Backstage, Kurt Angle found Eddie and said he knew what Eddie was going through... Eddie, "YOU DON' KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING!!!!!" (to paraphrase AJ Benza... "Herpes, ain't it a bitch!")
-Angle encourages Eddie to put over HHH tonight!
-Steve Blackman came out. Ross reminded the fools who thought Crowbar's lame ass fall was wild that Shane McMahon friggin' reached Foley levels last night.
-Tazz came out... both Announcers were like, "Oh jeeze... here we go".
-Tazz had a mic... he said that Ross and Lawler must have had a laugh over almost taking out his eye last night... oh yeah... hardy ha ha... (yeah, and you dickweeds think it's pretty funny that I lost my Dog tonight, don't you?? well you SUCK!!!!)
-Well, Tazz said that tonight, the Mood is definitely about to change... because "tonight, there will be not one, not two, not three... OOPS... BUT three victims" He called each man by name and said, "Just another victim".
-I wonder if at some point, someone thought about having Tazz pop a young fan's balloon like Big Bully Busiek did during the two weeks he actually had a WWF career? I wonder if there will EVER be a point when I forget about Big Bully Busiek?
-He called JR, "Old Leatherface"... you know, Ross DOES look like a Ventriloquist's Dummy... I wonder who's hand is up JR's ass?
-Tazz played up the "Thug Life" gimmick. Not a HUGE change from his ECW persona... just more street than the "Trained fighting machine" that Heyman put together.
-Tazz hit the ring, suplexed Blackman, then jumped out to the announcers. You HAVE to like that.
-He mouthed off to Ross. Blackman tossed him a trashcan. Tazz caught it and said, "Gee, thanks Steve... never got a gift before! Maybe I should try to be nicer to people? maybe I should start making friends? Would you be my fr..."
-Blackman kicked the can and Tazz went flying, I heard him yell, "AH CRAP!!"
-They fought in the seats... Blackman worked him over.
-Back in the ring, Blackman went to work
-Tazz gained control. Threw Blackman out. Took a lid and beaned Lawler in the head. God Bless the King. He can bump with the BEST of them.
-Tazz reached over the table and clawed at Ross. He was too short to reach him and too stupid to simply WALK AROUND THE TABLE!!!!
-Lawler recovered and started to swing
-Ross went behind Tazz and hit him with the lid. Tazz stumbled around and faced him.
-in a BEAUTIFUL shot, Blackman launched out and DRILLED his foot into Tazz's chest. With no announcers to talk over the move, we got to hear the fans pop HUGE... it added to the effect quite nicely.
-Blackman pinned Tazz on the ring floor. Tazz started to crawl to the table. Lawler threw his padded seat in his face. WWF Officials ran out and dragged him away. This just may be the sleeper candidate for "Feud of the Year". The build up is GREAT and Tazz loses NOTHING by getting pinned.
-and... of course... the KING IS SHINING!!!! LAWLER IS GOD!!!
-Lawler raises Ross' hand and they both enjoy the cheers.
-HHH throws Joe KerwhohitmydogIhopeIfindyouandkillyoumuthaf**ker out.
-Eddie runs in and challenges HHH to go tonight... HHH laughs. He can use a smooth ride tonight.
-Hunter was actually pretty funny when he said, "I don't know what you just said, pal, but your mouth just wrote a check that your butt is gonna cash!"
-footage of Eddie's challenge.
-Lugz paid for the TLC match on Sunday. Or those cheap pricks paid for the HIGHLIGHTS..
-Lita pinned Jacqueline after a hard fought match. Talent shmalent... chicks STILL look weird bouncing around the ring like that.
-E & C ran out and backed Lita into Jacky's hands. The Hardyz made a late save.
-Michael Cole talked to Kane. Who said that he WAS a monster... he WAS horrifying... and since the public is so intent on rejecting HIM, he'll give... give... aw screw it...
-HIJIC= Head Ignorant Jackass In Charge.
-Eddie told Chyna to stay in the back and get nice and wet over her MAN defending his PROPERTY!
-HH& that H dude came out.
-Eddie came out.
-They start JAMMING!!!
-God DAMN... Hunter can make ANYONE look good. Not that Eddie sucks or anything.
-Eddie put a little extra bounce in his bumps. Selling Hunter nice.
-Chyna was watching this in the back, pretending not to hear Ross and Lawler muse about where her loyalties lie.
-HHH backs into a corner... chops his crotch, and drops a knee. Think Eddie had a flashback or two off that?
-Eddie with the rollback head scissors
-Eddie with the TORNADO DDT!!!! JUST LIKE TED MALLOY!!! (blatant plug for The Road: New Meat)
-Eddie went for... a top rope... something. Hunter rolled... Eddie rolled too and popped back up.
-HHH had the Pedigree ready... Kurt Angle ran out and chaired HHH. Then he chaired Eddie.
-Chyna was out... Angle took off. After all, Chyna might be contagious! (I don't even know what that means)
-Angle observed his handiwork with approval. Chyna knelt next to both men. She gave no indication as to who she was more concerned over. Nobody is concerned over me. Oh no, I only lost a dog.. a cherished pet. F-me... F-the clown. just keep dancing Hyatte... Keep dancing your little hacked up dance. PERFORM HYATTE!! PERFORM FOR US!!!
-Al Snow and the Kat beat Terri and Saturn. Now switch names and you know who really won. I have to blow off ONE match tonight... might as well be this one.
-actually, I blew off quite a few matches this week... heh.
-Kevin Kelly was waiting at the Rock's door... looking very jacked for another round of being called a Hermaphrodite.
-Ross brags that 40'000 people have registered to vote by way of the WWF. I can just imagine Tom Brokaw saying, "And in a shocking development, 10% of the voters have picked Debra's Puppies as the next President. NBC News has no clue what to make of this!"
-The Dudley's talk to each other at WWF New York. "D-Von, I just kissed a girl with a 5:00 Charlie!"
-Kevin Kelly talked to the Rock... and was humiliated for his troubles. Kane is in deep shit too.
-He said more, and it was amusing... Kelly is a great straight man.
-I am totally convinced that Rocky has yet to apologize or compliment Kevin for his good sportsmanship. I think Rocky has officially moved into his his own little universe. just like that rat jap a-hole who rolled over my dog. Probably stopped, back over Chico again, then rolled forward... again. I WILL SELL MY SOUL TO SATAN FOR A CRACK AT THIS LOSER!!! MY F-ING DOG!!! CHICO!!! I AM NOW ALONE!! SO ALONE!!!
-Melissa? She's turning into a PILL!!! Her head's totally up her own ass. She might need a Filthy Sanchez.
-Kane is out.
-Rocky is out.
-Rocky and Kane go at it.
-Kane with early control.
-Rocky with a side Russian Legsweep.
-Kane kicks out of the pin.
-My dog died tonight.
-I plan on mentioning it all recap.
-Oh, I'll skip it in the Nitro recap
-because I already wrote the Nitro recap.
-oh, and my dog did NOT die.
-I just wanted to see how many of you wrote an e-mail to me before finishing the column
-Chico's alive and well and licking Alpo off my pecker as I type.
-I thought my obvious griping sort of screamed the truth.
-I guess we'll find out.
-This was a great match, by the way
-You should have seen it.
-PPV quality all the way.
-When will Kane get his props?
-I put him almost in the same league as HHH in terms of selling moves
-The ref was knocked out just in time for the People's Elbow
-thus, no win for Rocky.
-Kane with the chokeslam
-Rocky kicks out of that
-Kane kicks out of the Rock Bottom induced pin.
-This crowd was HOT
-It goes outside
-It goes in the seats
-The UT rolls out on his Bike
-Kane leaves Rocky and heads right for his Brother.
-They fight in the ring
-UT chokeslams Kane
-UT steps out.
-Rocky goes for the pin. Kane kicks OUT!
-Rocky with another Rock Bottom.
-Rocky gets the pin.
-UT rolls up the ramp. Stops and looks at Rocky.
-Rocky looks back.
-They stare. UT with a big wad o' chaw.
-GREAT shot of UT looking at the ring as we see Rocky looking back on the TitanTron.
-The show ends.
Looks to me like HHH will mess with Angle for a PPV or two as Rocky ends the year working a program with Kane and the Undertaker... maybe getting Benoit in on a November or December rematch?
Then of course, January rolls in... and, if everyone stays healthy, they start setting up the MONSTER Rock/Austin Wrestlemania Face-Off that, if done right, might end up being one of the biggest matches EVER.
Face it kids, there is NO signs that the WWF is cooling off.
The question is... is WCW starting to heat up?
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